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Reviews for Lonely Desire

By : Petya

From ANON - Kaworu on December 26, 2005
PS Try cyrillic encoding to read my previous post ;)
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From ANON - Anon on December 23, 2005
Wow! Things are getting even more heated up! I can't wait for your next update! This fic is well thoguht out and executed, and along with your writing style I don't see how anyone could not like it. Keep up the great work and I look forward to reading more in the, hopefully near, future.
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From ANON - Kaworu on December 21, 2005
Grrrrr, you're a right sadist, you know that? I want the next chapter! Hell, I won't be able to read any other GSEED fics before Aslan and Kira finally get together! (But I'll be able to read Saiyuki as much as I want :P ) And I didn't go to the University because I was reading! (my proffessors will kill me //_^ )

OK, the end of bitching //_^

Actually, I loved your story, and I'm waiting for the next chapter.

And now, I have some praise and some scolding to do //_^

First. I really love your plot (even if there's a little too much sap for my taste //_^ ). Maybe it's because I was planning to write a mpreg fic with this pairing, but I'm certainly not as good as you are. Your plot is very well developed, and I dare guess you've planned all of it carefully. This or you're just extremely talanted. I'll make sure every GSEED fan I know will read this. And most of GWing fans //_^ (I'll even kick Vega-sama in the ass untill she reads it and draws a coulpe of illustrations. Let it be my little revenge for her making me read Weiss Kreuz fics //_^ )

Then there's your language. Even if you have a few mistakes it is still beautiful. I'm a linguist, so believe me, I know what I'm talking about. And don't you dare say it's all your betas //_^ The style is the style. It's easy to read, but at the same time not _too_ easy, and you have some bright visual images to show the characters' feelings. And these are the things I really love.

So, as for now, your fic is my third favourite in all the possible fandoms after "The Fairy Wings" (HP, Snupin)), and "When Worlds Collide" (HP/GW x-over) followed closely by "Beautiful Dawn" (GW, 6x1) and "With Love/With Pride" (Slayers, Xelloss x Zelgadis). Hmm, sorry. I just couldn't help posting my top 5 list //_^

And now... prepare for another round of bitching, 'coz I study Japanese language for more than 3 years //_^ Now...

[chapter 4]
daijobu desu ka?
daijobu desu

It is a bit too formal. "desu" is the polite/neutral form of this verb, and it's a bit... too cold to be used by friends. I would suggest something less formal like skipping "desu". So, it could look like

Daijoubu?
Hai, daijoubu.

Surprisingly enough, I don't mind you using short "o" instead of the long "ou" //_^

[chapter 8]
Daijobu, Kira! Minna daijobu da! Shizuke yo!

Now, I'm a bit confused by this one... It's not that I don't understand it, because I do, and I understand what you wanted to say... but it's one big speech mistake (I hope I didn't confuse the term... I mean �� ). So, Aslan wanted to calm him down... In this situation the most commonly used form is "dakara" or just "kara". It's not logical and it's highly informal, but it serves the purpose perfectly. So, this one could look like this:

Daijoubu dakara, Kira. Minna wa daijoubu dakara. Shizuke yo.

You can also use "ochitsuke" instead of "shizuke" if you want...

Mata� kimi wa� boku no yume no naka ni�

Now, this one is a bit strange... Kira is half asleep, and he uses formal speech in such a state. First. You don't need "wa" in informal speech. You can skip it in most of the cases. Then there's "boku". First person personal pronouns are rarely used in the informal speech. It's not incorrect, but it's just lookes a bit strange in this one... So, I would suggest something like:

Mata kimi... yume no naka ni ka na...

It's more confused and can be interpreted both as "you're in my dream again" and "you again... am I dreaming?" It brings a little of a word play. You can also skip "ni" if you want. But only in this one.

Kimi ga hoshii�

Well, I've used this one myself, but I'm not as sure about it... I've just never heard it being used in anime/manga/Japanese fics...

Hontou wa kimi desu ka?

Now, you don't want to use this one //_^ The difference between "hontou wa" and "hontou ni" is of the same nature as "in the times of" and "in time". You confuse the preposition, and the meaning is all wrong. "Hontou wa" is a parenthesis meaning "in reality" and all the synonyms, and "hountou ni" is an adverb with the similar meaning. Here are some examples for you to understand what I mean. "Boku wa itsumo 'nihongo ga daisuki' to itte... Hontou wa anime ga suki desu" (I always say that I really like Japanese language, but in reality I just like anime) - "Atarashii 6x1 shousetsu ga mitsukareta. Hontou ni ureshii da yo!" (I've found a new 6x1 fanfic. I'm really happy!) So, in your case it would be:

Hontou ni kimi desu ka?

Hontou wa ore da

It's the same... "Hontou _ni_"

Goshinpainai!

And again it's too formal... "Shimpaishinaide" would be _way_ better...

Suki da yo, Kira!

Now, this one doesn't cease to amaze me... "suki" is not "love"! It's "like"!

Ima, omae wa ore no da!

Do you have to be this rude?.. "Omae" is not very sweet... And I also suggest to use "mono" in this sentence. Not "mono/butsu" (thing) but "mono/sha" (as in "profession"). The letter means a person and is commonly used in this exact situation (Remember, for example, Shuichi from Gravitation screaming "Yuki wa ore no mono!" //_^ )

[chapter 11]
Omae ga Nicol�Nicol wo kuroshita!

Now... Fisrt, it's "wa", not "ga" in this one. It's purely grammatic (I don't want to go deep into the details). But then again... "ga" could be used as an emphasis, so it's up to you. Then. You can use either "wo" or "o". The first one is transliteration while the second one is transcription. If you're using "wo" then you are to use "ha" instead of "wa" and "he" instead of "e". So, I highly recomment to use "o". Then there's "kuroshita" which is actually "kOroshita". It's not "kurosu" but "korosu".

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And my personal suggestion...
Please, Please, Pretty PLEEEEASE! Let Kira and Aslan have a healthy pretty little girl! *puppy-eyes* But don't name her Lotos (I'm planning to call my AsuKira baby like this //_^ )

And please... Don't let it turn into some kind of soap opera...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

� �� *�� * �� , �� ? �� , �� : http://www.diary.ru/~yaoicoalition � �� //_^

~~~ Nagisa Kaworu (aka Severus Snape aka Xelloss aka Trowa Barton aka Aslan Zala aka Russell Tringham etc.) ��

��, ��... �� "��". � �� , � �� (�� ) ��... ��. �� , ��, � �� //_^ � �� .
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From ANON - M on December 11, 2005
I loved it. Are you going to kill the baby? ?? You are so cruel. and now Athrun is thinking Kira doesn't like him too. There are too much problem for them to be together. I can't wait to see what happens next. please update soon.
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From ANON - mikyu on December 11, 2005
okay ... now I'm pissed! wtf is going on with program here? can't I just post a review like it is??? do you have to cut a whole sentence out? All my effort to write a review in english???? >.< trying my best to make as less mistakes as possible??? Arg ... this time, it must go or else I'm ...(nonono, I won't go crazy because of this!) So I post only the one sentence which has been cut two times already! "And my little "draw a pregnant Kira" Projekt wasn't that difficult to start as I touhgt... the problem is ... I can't draw in school, my classmates would probably ask weird questions ^^� And now ... a sad Kira? ... for the next few chapters? ... noooooooo! but anyway ... update soon! (I can feel with you, my exam are also around the end of january >.
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From ANON - mikyu on December 11, 2005
okay, somethins was weird with the review (again) I've to repost:
great ... now you're crule to athrun, too! You wrote somewhere that you'll make a happy ending .. right? right right??? you have to! >.< But I acutually can't imagine a happy ending now >.< I mean .. they both lost the belief of their own happiness! Athrun could confess his feelings in front of kira (if he would after this chapter!!! >.
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From ANON - mikyu on December 11, 2005
great ... now you're crule to athrun, too! You wrote somewhere that you'll make a happy ending .. right? right right??? you have to! >.< But I acutually can't imagine a happy ending now >.< I mean .. they both lost the belief of their own happiness! Athrun could confess his feelings in front of kira (if he would after this chapter!!! >.
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From ANON - Corwalch on December 10, 2005
hiya, i a veri great fan of asukira!!! love ya stories lots. i hope tt ur story can continue as it is. shucks i forgot wat i wanted to sae... hmm nevermind i will b back for seconds aniwae
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From ANON - mikyu on November 29, 2005
omg .. you did it! my heart was breaking when Athrun confessed to "cagalli". What have you done to Kira!!!!! this is too cruel!! to kira ... to athrun ...and to me!!!! I always thought it was a joke when you said you're going to make the baby a child of "Ai". My heart won't stand that! My dreams are already filled with melodramas and it will increas with this capter! You only can stop it to suffer with a very soon update XD !!!!
Kira has no boobs? ... thanks goddness. Now ... I have to think about a picture with a pregnant person without boobs ... >.< why is everything so ridiculous??? maybe because it is. But it's sooo sweet! I'll try me best to make a good pregnant kira. But know ... will he make a happy face? or is it the sad monotone face he was carrying in GSD? (hey, he almost never shows emotion in the serie. He doesn't cry anymore, he isn't afraid anymore, he isn't confused anymore ... and still .. he has no fasion sense!)
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From ANON - M on November 29, 2005
Oh, I forgot to add. I am not disappointed. I absolutely love your fic and am waiting for more.
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From ANON - M on November 29, 2005
Noooooo, poor Kira. I think i am going to cry for him. Why did Athrun have to practice all those statements in front of
Cagalli?:(. Hope Kira and his child are allright after the accident. Update soon please.
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From ANON - Yami Jay on November 28, 2005
I have to say that this chapter is really good. I love it ^___^ Also, 10 days for Kira to think how to tell Athrun about this? Way too long (even if it's IC)!
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From ANON - mikyu on November 28, 2005
wtf, does the reviews have a limit??? anyway ... I somehow have problems to draw males with boobs ... (lol, I've no problems to draw a pregnant male but I've problems to draw a pregnant male with boobs? ... >.< there must be a good perspektive where kira doesn't look like a girl ... I mean he's still a male although he's pregnant.)
ah, know cagalli knows ... her reaction is kind of realistic and I feel really sorry for her T.T (I've nothing agains asucaga ... and it's sad that there are rumors which say they have official broke up.
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From ANON - mikyu on November 28, 2005
Thank you for you answer!!! ^-^ no problem with your delay, I just started to dream about your fanfic XD
Kira's pregnancy fits perfect in my sisters pregnancy, so I've a lot of inspiration. The problem is ... I thought (>.< how can I explain that in english) eerhm ... if a woman gets pregnant, an enzyme stimulate the growth of the boobs. soooo does kira's ... you know ... >.
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From ANON - M on November 27, 2005
Wow. Great chapter. I was following your story since now and it is interesting.
Kira is dealing great with pregnancy reading books and thinking about the baby.
Is Kira going to tell Athrun about the pregnancy next chapter?
please make him tell. can't wait to see Athrun's reaction.
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