I am going to be blunt with this review. Please take this criticism as it is intended - to help you improve in the art of writing.

Your introduction to the relationship is weak. The way you dismiss his relationship with Stella completely and his emotional attachment to her in order to explain his tryst with Luna detracts from the "warm-and-fuzzy-feeling" that you have the story tagged with.

This is what you have: He is upset at the loss of his lover, Stella. Your explanation for rushing the relationship with Luna along in this story is that Logos and Chairman Durandal have been "dealt-with".

If you've ever dealt with the loss of a lover, then you know that, in losing them, a part of you is devastated beyond what you feel can be repaired. That loss leaves a gaping wound which aches at the thought of that person. Your flippant dismissal - possibly unintentional - of Shinn's relationship with Stella immediately distracted me from the story altogether.

It may be that there is a passage of time between these events, but the way that you are describing this, I am not seeing that passage. What I am seeing is Stella dying and Shinn moving past his loss with another woman. This is never a good idea if you are trying to establish a relationship.

My immediate response to the relationship you are trying to build is rebound. If that is not what you intend (and since you use the WAFF tag, I assume it isn't), then I would suggest either some type of segue into this relationship that doesn't instantly make me feel sorry for Luna if she really does love him, changing this from a 'love' relationship to a carnal one, or removing the reference to Stella entirely.

Technical note: The proper construction is sexier not 'more sexy'. Yes, it did distract me reading that in the middle of the foreplay.

During their undressing, you have Luna referring to Shinn as her boyfriend, yet earlier in your narrative you have Shinn asking her out on their first date. This is inconsistent.

Side note: Why do you refer to Luna as 'the female' and 'the girl' every time you start describing their intercourse?

You have Luna being confused at him fingering her, at the same time she is fellating him. She is apparently skilled enough at this to almost cause his orgasm; however, when he penetrates her (side note: the hymen is located at the entrance to the vagina. He cannot enter her and feel 'her inner flesh wrapping around his sex' before he has broken her hymen.) we learn that she is a virgin. Fellatio is a learned skill, and though the involved parties will have a great impact on the level of perceived skill, it is not something that a virgin, who is confused at the sensation of being fingered, would know how to do.

Typo: wrapping her black-sheathed legs around his lips lightly - I do believe you meant hips.

To be honest, I started skimming after you had him finding her hymen inside her vagina. Anatomical inconsistencies completely shatter my ability to suspend disbelief, thereby drawing me out of your story.

I do think that you have a workable idea here. I would suggest, however, that you go into more detail describing the relationships, the passage of time, et cetera. I would also encourage you to study more on the exact construction of the human female anatomy; if you are going to be writing about the subject, it is best to be familiar with it.
Report Review