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Reviews for Angel of Darkness

By : LadyEvansPotter
  • From RogueMudblood on October 03, 2012

    First, please don't use the "XYZ point of view" notation. It's distracting, and detracts from the story as a whole.

    There's a discussion about this particular method of writing here:

    http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/topic/25862-flashbacks-in-fiction/

    Honestly, if you've written your characters well enough, this is completely unnecessary. I skimmed through your story when I noticed it and I see you've done this quite a bit, including a "normal" pov notation at the end. I assume by that you mean third-person omniscient, and while that may be the most common form of writing, it is hardly the 'normal' pov, as 'normal' would be from the author's perspective. If the author chooses to see the events unfold as the character would, then that is 'normal' pov for that story.

    Moving on, you have a few issues with punctuation in dialogue as well as some subject-verb agreement disparity. I understand you're from Norway from your profile, so my recommendation to help with this would be to obtain a beta who is fluent in English (not necessarily a native speaker - they often aren't as fluent as many who have learned the language). You can peruse the forums here for those offering their services:

    http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/83-become-a-beta/


    To the story itself, my biggest recommendation is to show rather than to tell me outright. Instead of telling me that Tyson lost his love, use the other phrases you've incorporated in the story to show me that.

    I think you've tried to incorporate everyone into the story the way you're flashing between them, and I think it's actually hurt your tale to do so. The story would be much stronger if you started out with Kai's account of his last moments, then switched to the team leaving the arena and choose one of the other team members (not Tyson) to continue until you've described Tyson's grief.

    It's just a recommendation to help the story flow better, as right now, with all the breaks and constant switches between characters (which may work for Anime, Manga and graphic novels, but is an inadequate tool for prose), the story itself is very choppy.

    Overall, though, I think you've done a nice job of indicating the anguish Tyson feels. Describing the events more, however, would help to develop empathy with the characters. This could be a truly heart-wrenching tale.

    I thank you for sharing. Happy writing!
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