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Reviews for Goku Loses

By : BlackTigerDragon
  • From HollyHK on April 27, 2015
    Hmmm... Since there isn't any other reviews, I will go first. I've never really given constructive criticism before, so bear with me.

    -First off, writing these types of stories do not make you a bad person at all. We all have creative ideas that we would like to bring to life. That's why we write, and that's why adult-fanfiction.org exists :) And besides, I've seen stuff 50 times crazier on this site.
    -I like the concept of your story. I think you have potential. I see your motivation and your drive to be a writer. And that is an awesome thing.

    Onto the 'constructive criticism'..
    -I found the lack of spaces between paragraphs and the minor spelling errors slightly distracting. (That's just me. Don't take it to heart. LOL!)
    -Know that every reader and writer is different when it comes to their own personal style. I personally like to reflect a little. What are they thinking? How are they feeling? What kind of scenario are they in? Paint a picture. Be as descriptive as possible and only write things that would be relevant to your writing. (For example, if your focus is on a blue ball, don't write: The ball is round and blue. It's sitting on the ground on the northwest corner of Main Street. The dairy bar is lined up with dozens of kids. Their parents are talking about football.) See how easy it is to trail off into something completely unrelated? I'm guilty of that myself. LOL.
    -It seems like they jumped right into it, so I would consider this as a PWP (Porn Without Plot) for now. There was plenty of action; you're not lacking in that department at all. :) However, I wouldn't have known just what to see when I'm reading if I hadn't seen the series.
    -I think it's pretty dialogue heavy. I don't personally do too much dialogue unless it's absolutely necessary. I can't speak for others, but I lose focus after a while. (Perhaps it's just my ADHD talking.) Less talk, more action ;)

    Another thing that helped me was reading well-written stories. It helped build up my vocabulary and adapt to the flow of a good story. Also, if you're interested, start reading romance novels. They've helped me out some too. Plus, a thesaurus definitely helps when you feel like you've been using the same word over and over again. My brain is repetitive enough. Things need shaken up. LOL.
    I want you to write, write, write. You WILL get better. I've been writing since I was 12 (& I'm now 26.) You should have seen my first story... ick. LOL. My story of "Her Prince" right now is horrible. "Eternity" is sitting there all flowery. I'm probably going to revise the shit out of it.

    I hope I helped at least a little. Hope I didn't ramble too much. I shouldn't be reviewing at 3am. If you have any more questions or if you would like to talk more, you can get a hold of me on fanfiction.net (H. Harlow) or facebook.com / hollywoodharlow :) (Since you can't send messages on here, I don't think?)
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