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May 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Yay! You are being kind to poor wounded Yammie. I like how scientific and methodical Bulma is about the whole pregnancy things - thinking about specific hormones, tests, etc. But she is almost too calm. Is this because she just hasn\'t freaked out yet? Is she going to? I suspect when Vegeta finds out he will act like he doesn\'t give a damn, leading Yamcha to think but not say \'I told you so\'. Weird, but I feel bad for Vegeta, but I still find it difficult to care about Bulma as much. She still seems too calculating - like she sits and thinks about everything before reacting to it now. (PS - Last sentence has a boo-boo. I\'m not looking at it at the moment, but needed should be need if memory serves.)
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May 19, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Although I have read only the first chapter, I am liking it. You have an interesting view on the situation and it would appear you are coming in with a breath of fresh imagination. And I like that. But, I have a few things to pick at.
First would be the way you have portrayed Bulma, ghastly to say the least. I\'m all for putting characters a little OOC, but this was too much. You make her sound like a child! And I don\'t want to see Vegeta getting with a child Bulma. KILL THE PAPA and MAMA.
Second would be the sentence: \"Oh look,\" came Bulma’s voice over the rolling fog of sleep overtaking Vegeta. \"What long eyelashes he has! Aren’t they lovely, Mama?\". Its just all wrong. I can see where you were trying to go with this, but it just has that \"I\'m three and don\'t know any better\" ring to it. It would be best to make it sound like she was thinking out loud. However, you should consider that due to the circumstance it would be best not to have this in there. Vegeta is in serious trouble, and if Bulma is worried, the last thing on her mind would be the length of his eyelashes. That would be best for later, after he has mostly recovered and she is just looking over his sleeping form.
I do give you some serious props for the sentence following: The oddness of the remark--that anyone would say such a thing about the eyelashes of a murdering Saiyan warrior!--was the second-to-last thought in Vegeta’s mind before he fell asleep. The last was: Earth is stranger than Hell. I laughed, I cried, it became apart of me. Earth stranger than Hell, that I liked very much!
So far it looks like you have kept Vegeta IC, but Bulma is just so Left field! I think with some minor changes this story would be great! But don\'t let this get you down; I\'m still intrigued by your story. Looks unique and like something I would enjoy. I hope to be hooked till the end.
~Tempest
First would be the way you have portrayed Bulma, ghastly to say the least. I\'m all for putting characters a little OOC, but this was too much. You make her sound like a child! And I don\'t want to see Vegeta getting with a child Bulma. KILL THE PAPA and MAMA.
Second would be the sentence: \"Oh look,\" came Bulma’s voice over the rolling fog of sleep overtaking Vegeta. \"What long eyelashes he has! Aren’t they lovely, Mama?\". Its just all wrong. I can see where you were trying to go with this, but it just has that \"I\'m three and don\'t know any better\" ring to it. It would be best to make it sound like she was thinking out loud. However, you should consider that due to the circumstance it would be best not to have this in there. Vegeta is in serious trouble, and if Bulma is worried, the last thing on her mind would be the length of his eyelashes. That would be best for later, after he has mostly recovered and she is just looking over his sleeping form.
I do give you some serious props for the sentence following: The oddness of the remark--that anyone would say such a thing about the eyelashes of a murdering Saiyan warrior!--was the second-to-last thought in Vegeta’s mind before he fell asleep. The last was: Earth is stranger than Hell. I laughed, I cried, it became apart of me. Earth stranger than Hell, that I liked very much!
So far it looks like you have kept Vegeta IC, but Bulma is just so Left field! I think with some minor changes this story would be great! But don\'t let this get you down; I\'m still intrigued by your story. Looks unique and like something I would enjoy. I hope to be hooked till the end.
~Tempest
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May 19, 2005 at 12:00 AM
omg this is great! i cant wait for the next chapter to come!!
*sits and waits for the next chapter*
*sits and waits for the next chapter*
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May 17, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I love you! This story is everything that a good B/V should be. Up-date soon!
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May 17, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Well I think this is the best chapter so far. I loved the Vegeta/Bulma conversation.
The way you are handling this, as far as characterization and writing styles, this is quickly becoming one of my fav B/V get togethers. I always check anxiously to see when you have updated, and I always have to do a little happy dance in my chair when you do.
Very very good. *claps*
The way you are handling this, as far as characterization and writing styles, this is quickly becoming one of my fav B/V get togethers. I always check anxiously to see when you have updated, and I always have to do a little happy dance in my chair when you do.
Very very good. *claps*
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May 17, 2005 at 12:00 AM
it sucks
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May 17, 2005 at 12:00 AM
it sucks
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May 17, 2005 at 12:00 AM
it sucks ASS
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May 16, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Another perfect chap. I can\'t wait for the next one!
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May 14, 2005 at 12:00 AM
very good!!! i cant wait for the next chapter!!!