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December 13, 2011 at 12:00 AM
"He then returned the favour by using one of his special hands to rub and knead her large breasts"
....ummm "special hands"? Is he double-jointed or something? Yeah, this could use some serious editing because the amount of typos really messes up the mood you've been setting. Something as small as forgetting to add the correct pronoun can spoil the climax you've been working up to. I give it 4/5 because the spelling really needs some work. Other than that, it was a pretty good story.
....ummm "special hands"? Is he double-jointed or something? Yeah, this could use some serious editing because the amount of typos really messes up the mood you've been setting. Something as small as forgetting to add the correct pronoun can spoil the climax you've been working up to. I give it 4/5 because the spelling really needs some work. Other than that, it was a pretty good story.
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July 25, 2011 at 12:00 AM
can you please make a foursome fanfic with goku gohan and goten(teen) making love to different dragonballz girls such as android 18, bulma, videl
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July 19, 2011 at 12:00 AM
I have to honestly say you are my favorite author on this site and i love all of your stories even before they were revised. This was a awesome revision of Sun burn by the way. :)
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July 19, 2011 at 12:00 AM
good story, descriptions are vivid and pacing feels organic. You're an exceptional writer.