schedule
August 21, 2003 at 12:00 AM
Excellent, a great start. I certainly hope it\'s not the end!
As you say, Englishnot not your first language, but had you not stated that, I would have not guessed - it is very well written, with an effective descriptive and some interesting turns of phrase and words. \'Ranking his eyes\' is great, and at least to me, makes Vegeta\'s movement more sinister and suggests he is taking his time to further unnerve Goku.
I would not be embarrassed about the lemon, it\'s excellent, especially with the sinister undertone - Goku is enjoying it whilst also not, and didn\'t have a choice in the matter at all. Vegeta is well characterised here, and a spunky Goku is interesting - sparks certainly could fly ^_^
I would also like to see a gradually unfolding explaination of the situation here - it is obviously based on the saiyan characters, on Vegeta-Sei presumably, and a little exploration into the society etc would enrichen the story, give it a solid foundation.
Onelvhing I must comment on also - I\'m not sure about the formatting and updates on this site since I haven\'t posted anything here, but the first word/s of each paragraph were separated by a line from the rest - it didn\'t cause any problems in reading, but I think there may be a slight problem there in the format.
Lastly, as you say you are looking for a beta-reader, I may be willing to fill the post ^_^. Bear in mind I haven\'t done it for anyone else before, but I think I could do a pretty damn good job. :)
Well, \'til whenever then, and feel free to contact me. Good luck with the next chapter - since I am fully expecting one! ^_^
Dirty ~
As you say, Englishnot not your first language, but had you not stated that, I would have not guessed - it is very well written, with an effective descriptive and some interesting turns of phrase and words. \'Ranking his eyes\' is great, and at least to me, makes Vegeta\'s movement more sinister and suggests he is taking his time to further unnerve Goku.
I would not be embarrassed about the lemon, it\'s excellent, especially with the sinister undertone - Goku is enjoying it whilst also not, and didn\'t have a choice in the matter at all. Vegeta is well characterised here, and a spunky Goku is interesting - sparks certainly could fly ^_^
I would also like to see a gradually unfolding explaination of the situation here - it is obviously based on the saiyan characters, on Vegeta-Sei presumably, and a little exploration into the society etc would enrichen the story, give it a solid foundation.
Onelvhing I must comment on also - I\'m not sure about the formatting and updates on this site since I haven\'t posted anything here, but the first word/s of each paragraph were separated by a line from the rest - it didn\'t cause any problems in reading, but I think there may be a slight problem there in the format.
Lastly, as you say you are looking for a beta-reader, I may be willing to fill the post ^_^. Bear in mind I haven\'t done it for anyone else before, but I think I could do a pretty damn good job. :)
Well, \'til whenever then, and feel free to contact me. Good luck with the next chapter - since I am fully expecting one! ^_^
Dirty ~