Furry Madness

Disclaimer: I don\'t own Hagaren and it makes me very sad. I don\'t make money off this either.

Note: This fic can\'t be taken seriously, it\'s just crack somewhat justified by alchemy(yes, an excuse, basically). Yay human-animal chimeras! Take note the fic also features some Roy-openly-lusting-after-Ed and hints at a Roy/Ed/Al kitty threesome toward the end. I\'m a pervert, and proud of it. Care to play with me?

***This was already posted in ff.net (in a toned down version) but I was asked to repost my fics here so I\'ll try to keep up.***

Furry Madness
Part 1

It was barely seven o’clock, yet the whole of Mustang’s crew was gathered at the office for a special meeting. Roy had heard from Hughes that the Fuhrer would come along for a surprise inspection, and he would not tolerate that anything be out of place when the Fuhrer got there. This meant to hurry to clean up and scramble to finish any late paperwork.

Alphonse and Edward were there too, but only to pick up an assignment and leave by the 8 o’clock train. The younger Elric was not officially enrolled in the military – Edward might just have killed him if he’d tried to become a National Alchemist - but nobody ever said a word against him joining his brother’s errands. They all knew it was safer if somebody was present to keep watch over Edward’s temper.

Al - because he was too kind to say no when asked for help - was quickly enrolled in the cleaning crew while his brother crossed into the open office to have his usual snipping match with Mustang. He enjoyed it a lot more now that he was free of any major angst-inducing issue. Instead of worrying about the future, he spent his time musing about ways to get some payback on that bastard of a Colonel.

“Hey, Colonel Bastard. I’m ready for another of your stupid missions.”

“That’ll soon be Brigadier General Bastard, thank you,” coolly replied Roy. Ed knew the man was more pleased than his tone suggested, judging by his current damn-I’m-good smirk.

If Roy said so, it was probably true. But why would Edward leave it there? “Says who?” he demanded with a touch of fake incredulity.

“Hughes always has excellent sources.”

“Somebody doesn’t have a hint of intelligence to give you a promotion,” snarled the blond in answer, casually hauling himself up to sit on the corner of Roy’s desk. “So that’s why you’re getting worked up over this inspection? You don’t want them to know how truly lazy and useless you are. I see.”

Meanwhile, Alphonse was busy empting the garbage cans. Most of it was only paper, but there were a few wrappings that suggested somebody ate chocolate bars at work when Hawkeye wasn’t looking. There were also two or three empty cigarette packs, but he knew where those came from. Al had just finished his chore when he heard something… crackling? He looked up, brushed his messy hair aside and made a face at the dancing arms of blue electricity that filled the corridor at a fast pace, racing toward him.

The boy backed up, identifying the problem immediately. “First Lieutenant! There’s something bad out there! Somebody’s alchemy got out of control, and it’s coming this way!” There was a hint of fear in Alphonse’s voice, which was entirely understandable; out-of-control alchemy wasn’t his friend.

The woman took an instant decision, gesturing the men to her right. “Retreat into the Colonel’s office! It’s the only exit!”

They all scrambled to obey and Alphonse told the bemused Roy and Edward what was happening in a few rushed words. Their faces turned grim; they knew far too well what kind of damage uncontrolled alchemy could deal.

“Fullmetal! An exit!” Roy said, even as he saw a blue spark under the closed door of the office. Ed nodded without question - he’d seen the spark too – jumped off the desk and turned to the wall to transmute a doorway. “Evacuate!”

Nobody had time to leave however. The alchemical arcs filled the room and struck them down at once, the four crewmen the first to fall, soon followed by their superior officers. The boys were the last ones left standing, Edward clinging onto Alphonse desperately and trying to either pull or push his brother outside. He hadn’t spent five years fixing his brother just to get into another mess, damnit!

Despite their stubbornness, the brothers both collapsed two steps from the door.

-

Groans filled the air. Everybody was slowly coming around, and they all felt as though a lightning bolt had hit them. Twice rather than once even. Roy stood up and steadied himself with a hand on his desk. He shook his head, trying to clear the confusion to start analyzing the situation. Instead, he found himself staring at the person right in front of him, which just happened to be Edward. The teenager stared back.

“You have cat ears,” said Edward slowly.

“So do you,” replied Roy, just as carefully.

They both raised a hand to check, and both snatched it away at the touch of something soft and warm that was definitely attached to their heads.

“Okay...what the hell is this?” Ed was still too stunned to get truly angry.

“I would like to know.” Roy jumped as something brushed against his hip. He looked down and stared at a tail that also seemed to be attached to him. “I would really like to know.”

They glanced around, to find everybody else in the office had also sprouted furry ears and tails, to the exception of Hawkeye. It was oddly fitting that she had wings instead. The crew was starting to get frightened, the men realizing they were not dreaming, so Mustang barked, “Quiet! We need to investigate this at once! Havoc, Fury-“ He stopped, eyes fixed on Cain Fury. The young officer had round grey ears, a thin tail and whiskers. While Ed seemed to have the attributes of a cat, Fury looked like a mouse.

“Colonel…” said Edward, twitching at Roy’s side. “I…uh…”

“I know.”

They valiantly resisted. The one to break was Alphonse. He dashed after a squealing Fury while everybody else screamed at him to control himself. Fury went out the transmuted door, and so went a screeching Alphonse.

Edward bolted out, screaming, “Al, come back here!”

“I can’t stop! I think I want to eat him! Niisannnn!”

“Don’t you dare eat any of my staff!” yelled Roy after them. This day was not starting well.