FLAME vs. FULLMETAL REDUX

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FLAME vs. FULLMETAL REDUX

Edward’s eyes snapped open the second his body hit the floor. He looked up and saw he was still in the Jeep just now he was laying on top of Alphonse’s metal feet instead of on the seat.

“What the hell?” He cried as he crawled back onto the seat beside his brother.

“Sorry about the pothole,” the driver apologized and Edward sighed.

It was daylight, which meant they had been driving throughout the night. The scenery had changed for the better. Rolling green pastures where cattle and sheep grazed and greeted Edward’s bleary-eyed gaze.

“Any chance we could stop for a cup of coffee?” Edward asked.

“Aren’t you a little young to be hooked on that stuff?” The Lieutenant at the wheel inquired.

“No. If my ass is old enough to serve my country, then I can drink a goddamn cup of coffee!” Edward stated flatly. “And I like it black.”

“The Colonel was right about you. You are about as pleasant as an enema.”

Edward smacked the back of Mustang’s head saying, “Thanks a lot jerkwad!”

Colonel Mustang was awake in a flash. He rounded on Edward saying, “Sit down and shut up NOW!”

Edward cringed and slumped back in the seat staring blankly out the window. If Edward had been sitting next to him, then the boy would have felt the back of his hand on his smart mouth. He had no idea what brought on this bit of petulant behavior but it was beginning to get tiresome. Edward Elric had been on the rag since they left Central. He had been in the middle of deciphering an old codex he was sure was a significant lead to the Philosopher’s Stone when their unit got called up to deal with bandits harassing villages along the Frontier. Edward didn’t want to go but was ordered to so he had no choice. So he was pissed and taking it out on everyone but Alphonse who he left out of it because his poor brother was just as stuck as he was. Mustang was getting really tired of Edward. The boy was too old to be spanked but there were times when Mustang was seriously tempted to give him one anyway. However, their last mission had ended on a very sour note so the Colonel was inclined to write off Edward’s current case of piss and vinegar to being the result of his part in the battle to reclaim Pallet Town.

“What did you do this time Ed?” Alphonse asked quietly in Edward’s ear.

“I asked for a lousy cup of coffee,” Edward replied still staring blankly out the window.

“We’re probably not going to stop until we get to an outpost or something,” Alphonse ventured. “Which should be pretty soon. This place looks familiar.”

When Edward bothered to look more closely he did see that they had been in this area before. He recalled they had stopped at a small supply depot on their way out to Pallet Town that was in the middle of some very nice farmland. He remembered the area because it looked a lot like where he grew up except it was much more hilly.

“Kind of looks like home,” Edward remarked.

“Yeah,” his brother agreed.

“How much further?” they heard Colonel Mustang ask their driver.

“Another five clicks. We’ll be turning off this main road at the juncture up ahead. I think the boys will be a little less cranky after they’ve had the chance to stretch their legs and eat something that isn’t field rations.”

“Real food?” Edward piped up having only heard the part of the conversation that dealt with eating and moving.

“Yes, Fullmetal. Hot food, running water and maybe even a bed,” the Colonel told him.

“Sweet!” Edward replied slouching in the seat in his usual indolent teenage fashion.

“I wonder how far we are from Resembool?” Alphonse asked.

“A three or four hour drive,” the Lieutenant at the wheel stated then asked, “You have friends there?”

“Yes, it’s where Ed’s mechanic lives.”

“I see, well if he needs his services-”

“Her.” Alphonse corrected.

“Her services I think we could arrange a day trip.”

“I’m fine,” Edward announced. “Everything is operating according to manufacturer’s specifications.”

That statement made Mustang turn to face him. “No need for a tune up?”

“Nah,” Edward said knowing where this conversation was headed. “I’ve got some time before my five-thousand mile maintenance is due.”

“I wouldn’t mind having Winry look under my hood.”

Edward laughed. “And check for leaks!”

“You two are NOT funny!” Alphonse announced.

Edward ignored him and continued, “Hey, maybe I can get myself Hemi-powered.”

“With spinners,” their driver jibed getting in on the fun.

“You’re hopeless!” Alphonse stated sounding really annoyed.

“Oh, relax, Al!” Edward said giving his brother an impish grin. “Pinako thinks its funny when I say stuff like this. It’s the only time I can get that old biddy to laugh.”

“I don’t think it’s very funny,” Alphonse told him.

“Yeah, well, you weren’t there when Winry said I had more charm than a toaster but not by much,” Edward told him.

“Miss Winry is very perceptive,” Mustang remarked.

“Look, Hot Stuff, you aren’t exactly the cover boy for how to win friends and influence people yourself you know!”

“Maybe but I’m not the one wearing something that is an excellent conductor of heat!”

Mustang snapped his fingers and sent a spark of flame out hitting Edward in his auto-mail leg giving him a hot foot. It hurt for only a second and Alphonse had the sense to restrain Edward before he had the chance to put his hands together for a bit of retaliatory Alchemy.

“Let me go Al so I can light his ass on fire!” Edward declared as he tried to wrench free of Alphonse’s strong grip.

“No, Ed. You can act like a child after we get out of the car,” Alphonse admonished.

It had been a long time since Mustang had used his Alchemy for a prank. It felt good to do something mindless and stupid and fun. Watching Edward attempting to wrestle free of Alphonse’s armored grip was amusing. The Colonel started laughing in spite of himself.

“Laugh it up, Flame boy! You won’t be laughing after I get through with you!”Edward challenged.

“The last time we faced off it took a week to clean up the mess,” Mustang reminded him.

“Find someplace that is in need of demolition and we can duke it out there,” Edward suggested.

“You and Fullmetal had a duel Colonel?” the driver asked surprised.

“Not the sort you’re thinking of, Lieutenant,” Mustang endeavored to explain. “Alchemists challenge or practice with each other all the time. It’s how we keep our skills sharp. Usually duels are done in a controlled environment to prevent anyone from getting hurt and to keep property damage to a minimum. Las time the two of us faced off things got a little out of hand.”

“Well that part of town was in need of some urban renewal anyway,” Edward pointed out.

Mustang chuckled. “True, but where we are headed now is NOT. So if you are serious about this there are going to have to be some ground rules.”

“Okay, so no cheap shots, no hitting below the belt-” Edward began.

“No running and hiding behind my men,” Mustang added.

“I wasn’t hiding, I was firing from a covered position!”

“You were hiding.” Alphonse corrected him.

“Hey! Whose side are you on?” Edward said heatedly getting in his brother’s face.

“Calm down, Ed,” Alphonse told him making him sit back on the seat. “I was joking.”

“So you really want to face me again after the spanking you got last time?” the Colonel inquired in a tone that said, “If you want to back out, now is the time”.

“Yeah, I do! I’m going to plant you like a tulip!”

Mustang laughed. “All right, Edward. But let’s make this interesting.”

“Like how?”

“A wager.”

“Okay. So what’s the bet? A hundred woolongs? More?”

“No money,” Mustang said. “That’s against regulations.”

“So is having a duel but that shit goes on all the time!”

“True, but no money passes hands which is why it’s ignored,” Mustang informed him.

“Okay, so we have to put up stuff instead. Like, I don’t know, a few good books on esoteric Alchemy.”

“Hey, you can’t wager my things!” Alphonse broke in.

“Yeah, but I don’t have anything worth a crap!” Edward told him.

“Then bet something else! Like…like you’ll do all the Colonel’s laundry for a week,” Alphonse suggested. “Or you’ll clean his apartment.”

“Great, I’m so looking forward to the opportunity to log his porn collection alphabetically,” Edward quipped sarcastically.

“I do not have a porn collection,” Mustang stated icily.

Edward cast a sideways glance at Alphonse, “Yeah, right,” he commented snidely under his breath so only his brother could hear.

“All right, I think I’ll settle this here and now,” the Colonel stated his hard gaze holding the two brothers transfixed. “The loser does one task one the winner’s choosing without question, complaint, argument or attitude. Got it?”

“Any task?”

“Within reason,” Mustang said. “Nothing illegal or physically endangering. Everyone stays in one piece. Agreed?”

The Colonel held out his hand to Edward to have him shake on the bargain.

“Deal!” Edward agreed using his auto-mail hand to shake on the bargain. He purposely held Mustang’s hand much tighter than he needed just so he could make the older man wince.

“Any chance us ordinary folks can watch you two face off?” the driver asked.

“I think something can be arranged,” the Colonel told him as they finally came to a stop inside the same supply depot they had rested at on their way to Pallet Town.
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more fun to come!