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Save a Havoc, Ride a Mustang	By : happyonna Category: Fullmetal Alchemist > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1276 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Save a Havoc, Ride a Mustang
- 1
Author's Note: This used to be in two parts but since it got lost before (and because I'm lazy) I decided to repost it in just one bigger part.

Disclaimer: If I owned FMA then I'd have Roy tied to my bed. If I was making money from this, I'd have a naked picture of Roy on the ceiling above my bed. As I have neither of these things, it must be concluded that I don't own FMA and I make no money. From anything.

Save a Havoc, Ride a Mustang

Roy swaggered into the office just like he did every Friday morning and started handing out paychecks. Havoc absently glanced down at his and he nearly growled. A hundred?? Just a hundred? What the hell?? Since when? Fury beat him to the punch though.

�Excuse me, colonel, but since when did we get a pay reduction?�

Roy smirked. �Just passing out the obligatory hundred dollar bill. Doesn�t it thrill you to get one from me?�

The office facevaulted and the colonel wandered toward his office, muttering. �I wonder if I can get some cow horns installed on the front of the car.�

Havoc looked at Fury who looked at Hawkeye who sweatdropped. �Why would he� no. Never mind. I don�t really want to know. Let�s just get back to work.�

There was a collective relieved sigh. �Yes, sir, Lieutenant Hawkeye.�

�Damn, I need a drink.� Havoc murmured before turning back to the file that he had been diligently annotating.

~~**~~

At that exact moment the two brothers Elric were reclining comfortably on a train headed for Central. Edward was bored. Al had been unusually quiet on the return trip and didn�t bother trying to keep his brother occupied. Still all the sighing that was going on in the seat across from him was getting on his nerves and kept breaking his train of thought, so he decided to share them.

�Niisan?�

Edward perked immediately up and Al felt vaguely guilty for adding to his brother�s depression. �What�s up, Al?�

�Have you ever thought of learning to ride, niisan?�

Ed�s face screwed up into a disgusted expression. �Hell no! All that bouncing around has to be hard on the ass, and horses are notoriously stubborn animals besides. And it�s not like we can�t just take the train where ever we need to go anyway.�

�But, brother��

A wolf whistle cut through his words. �Woohoo boys! Just look at this pretty little thang we got here! Don�t say you don�t wanna ride, honey!� The man howled with laughter.

Edward, over the course of a second, managed to go from ghost white to apoplectic purple. �Who are you calling such a microscopic chibi that you can�t tell the difference between him and a little girl!!�

Alphonse lunged for him, but his brother was quicker.

Three broken arms, two concussions, and a wrecked train car later the seriously injured train limped into Central Station to undergo some much needed repairs. The two unconscious miners were transported by ambulance to the hospital and the Elrics were carted off (Edward bound hand and foot and tossed across the back of a horse of all things) to an interrogation and a waiting jail cell.

~~**~~

Four and a half hours later an irate Fullmetal stalked through the outer office and nearly threw the Colonel�s door off its hinges. Al trailed sheepishly behind his brother and shrugged apologetically at the other occupants of the room.

Roy looked up from his dreaded paperwork. �Ah, Fullmetal. Do come in and ��

SLAM!

Al winced, and looked sadly at the new crack in the doorframe.

Ten seconds later Hawkeye, Havoc, Fury, Farman, Breda, hell even Hughes (who was passing out beer) had pulled up chairs into a half circle around the colonel�s closed door. Alphonse reclined pensively against the outside wall as he listened to the crashes and enraged shrieking that emanated from behind the cracked but still functional door.

��had to sit there until Winry put her car up as bail, you piece of SHIT!�

Hughes coughed and wiggled a finger in his ear smirking all the while. �I do believe that Fullmetal managed a whole new decibel level there!� He stated proudly and tipped his beer back again.

��HORSE, GODDAMNIT!�

Maes looked over at Al who was hunching down and trying to be as unobtrusive as possible. �What in the world happened on that train, Alphonse?�

The boy sighed. �Some men in the back of the car were walking past us and they called niisan a little girl.�

Havoc whistled and looked vaguely ill. �Are they still alive?�

Al managed a weak chuckle. �Barely. But the train may never recover.�

Hawkeye�s expression turned questioning. �Explain please.�

�Brother and I were talking about learning to ride horses and one of the men overheard. They said something about a little girl like him learning to ride. I really tried to stop him! But you know how he gets, and then after he broke one of them over a couple of train seats then threw another one of them out the window��

�I hope it was an open window.� Fury ventured.

�Ah, no. Anyway the one that went out the window got thrown into the stack somehow and blocked the smoke inside the train and it overheated the engine and now it has to be repaired and we have to pay for it. Anyway, when they arrested us they tied niisan over the back of a horse and Colonel Mustang wouldn�t post our bail since the incident wasn't pertaining to a mission really, and we had to call Winry and she put her car up as insurance on our bail.�

When Edward stormed out of Roy�s office all of the chairs where back where they belonged, and the beer had all been stashed. Hughes and Havoc were still rolling around on the floor and cackling, while the rest of the outer office was suspiciously empty of everyone but his little brother.

�Where did everybody else go?�

Al was very happy that armor couldn�t really have expressions. �Um� I think there was something that had to be moved somewhere.�

Edward glowered. �Well what�s their problem?� He nodded toward the hyenas howling on the floor.

Alphonse just shrugged and followed his brother out of the office. At the door the blond stopped and glanced back.

�Freaks all of you.�

Al made sure the door shut quietly behind them.

~~**~~

Tonight was an 'F' night. Havoc's new girl Felice would do nicely. Grinning Roy reached for the phone and set about ruining Jean's night.

"Hello, Felice? How would you like to accompany me to dinner tonight? Wonderful. How about seven? Ah, yes. I'll see you then. Yes. Dress well, if you please; it's formal dining there. No, thank you�"

click

The ride to the best restaurant in Central was made quickly and Roy thought that this event was partially because his driver for the night was trying to get away from the chatter box in the back as quickly as possible. Still, Felice was as lovely as any lady that graced Roy Mustang's arm in public. That really was what mattered in women who he dated wasn't it?

When they arrived at the restaurant he looked sadly back at the car. Still no cow horns. Pouting, he turned toward the double doors leading into his favorite place to dine.

Broadway was packed at this time of night, and Roy merely smirked at the harried looking maitre d' who was busily trying to find everyone a seat. "Overbooked again, Adam?"

The harried looking man sighed. "Naturally, Colonel. It always seems to work that way whenever some fool forgets what happened last time and lets Drew take reservations. Someday they'll just give up and fire him."

The Colonel's smirk stretched into a sympathetic grin. "Not likely, Adam. He's the best cook in Central, after all."

Adam laughed. "Well it doesn't really matter, because they never give out your table this close to seven. Tonight is an 'F' night right?"

Roy chuckled. "Indeed. Adam, meet Miss Felice Carrington."

Felice, despite looking puzzled, gracefully extended her hand toward Adam and studied him like a bug found floating in her soup.

Adam was every inch the gentleman. He swiftly brushed his lips over her knuckles. "Pleasure, Miss Carrington. If you will step this way, we'll get you seated."

~~**~~

Dinner had been a fiasco. Not only was Felice not a good conversationalist, but she ate like a piglet and managed to get her food everywhere. And she was drunk. Still the Colonel had not managed to reach his rank without having a little perseverance and he doggedly pushed forward with his plans, much to his later dismay.

Somewhere around one am when she was once again screaming, "Oh, Mustang, my pretty pony, my beautiful thorough bred man, ride me! Ride me harder!" Roy had resorted to harsh panting and even louder moaning just in an attempt to drown out that incessant screeching that was distracting him from his own pleasure.

Surely, he should be able to ignore that and have his own big and rich time while going just as far as he wanted to go. (Felice had offered no protest to anything he'd suggested.) It really wasn't going that well though. Finally he had to lower himself to thinking about the last girlfriend he'd had and a series of short, nearly desperate thrusts later he peaked.

That didn't shut her up though. Evidently the crazy female thought the two of them should move to the country, get a house with a pond so they could listen to the frogs croak, and adopt Black Hayate as their love child. He sent up a quick prayer for her to be struck dumb and rolled over to pretend that he was sleeping.

Havoc definitely needed to date a higher class of woman.

~~**~~

Ah. Another mission, another trip to see the asshole extraordinaire. Sometimes Edward wondered why he even bothered going to make his report since the shit colonel already knew everything that happened anyway. Really he should get more research money for having to put up with Mustang's crap. Yeah right. When hell freezes over, he thought snidely.

Headquarters was the same as always. Ed managed to avoid Hughes and his magic picture album (it had to be magic. How else would it just appear out of nowhere?) With the ease of long practice, and he slunk cautiously down the halls in case the man had somehow managed to avoid his mostly accurate Maes-dar.

The door to the outer office was closed. He carefully cracked it open and peaked through the narrow opening. Still no Hughes. He was almost home free!! Edward threw the door open and made a break for Roy's office. A booted foot met with the wood just as Riza glanced up from her own work.

"Ed wait, don't�!"

It was too late. The blond loosed a bloodcurdling scream and slapped a hand over his face. "MY EYES! I've been scared for life! Help! Oh, the trauma!! Soap! Give me soap! Waaaaaahhhhhh!!!"

Roy sighed and lifted his lips from the breast of the nude woman decorating his desk. "Really, Fullmetal, don't you think that's just a bit extreme?"

Edward was still flailing around the office, destroying desks, paperwork, and basically any other object that managed to get in front of his wailing, and temporarily blinded, body. "You utter bastard! You knew I was coming back today! Couldn't you have just kept it in your pants for a few freaking hours until I gave my report?"

The colonel offered up a condescending grin. "But, Edward, today is an 'M' day. Don't you like Maria?"

Ed snarled. "Just keep your sluts away from the office until I get out of it."

The grin morphed into an evil smirk. "Jealous, Fullmetal?" Roy purred.

Edward froze. Maria gave up trying to sneak quietly out of the room and just made a break for the door. The other people in the room scattered like frightened mice, and the only one who was brave enough not to hide under the furniture was Hawkeye, though even she hunched down a bit to make herself a smaller target.

Thunderclouds seemed to gather over the ceiling as the blonde alchemist's face darkened dangerously. "Excuse me?"

Mustang carefully eased a hand into his pocket and palmed his glove. "Oh I think you heard me Edward. I asked if you were jealous."

Edwards's hands clapped together and lightning crackled. Roy yanked his gloved hand out of his pocket and snapped sending a gout of fire directly in front of Edward, hoping to break his concentration. It didn't work. Roy barely managed to evade the lightning that would have fried him and swiftly ducked behind one of the desks, coming eye to eye with Havoc who grinned at him. "That'll teach you to steal people's girlfriends won't it colonel?"

Mustang growled at his subordinate and snapped again.

Ed jerked to face Havoc's desk, alerted to Roy's presence by the rising smoke and Jean's pained yelp.

"Come out of there and face me you chicken shit! I'll turn you into a fish! (1) Or better yet I'll make you the snake you are. Out, bastard, or I'll fry you like a shrimp!"

Roy laughed. "The only shrimp in here is you, Fullmetal."

~~**~~

Later that night, after some repainting, transmuting the files back from piles of ash, and putting the wall back where it belonged, the two miscreants tried to talk themselves out of jail.

"But really, sir, it was an accident! Just an experiment that got out of control."

Detective Fleming pinned Ed with a harsh glare. "Young man. This is the second time in less than a month that you have ended up in my station. I am beginning to think that you're not only a danger to the populace but that someone" Here he glowered at Roy. "is contributing to your delinquency. In order to teach you both a lesson, you'll be spending tonight here."

Roy started to protest, and the Detective frowned fiercely at the colonel. "And if I hear one word of argument, then I'll keep you both here until the judge comes back from vacation!"

Chastened but not subdued, Roy settled back into his chair. "Well, since I suppose there's no way to avoid it�"

"There's not. Get comfortable boys. You'll be here until at least tomorrow evening. Randall, take them to the back cell."

One of the policemen across the room snapped to attention. "Yes, sir!"

One glimpse of the 'back cell' was enough to send Edward right back toward the door. He reached it just as it banged shut behind the guard and he immediately started pounding on it and screaming.

"Don't leave me in here with the pervert! There's only one bed! I'll be molested in my sleep! Raaaaaammph."

"Shut up!" Roy hissed. "I don't want to be here any more than you do, but there's no reason to act like a woman about it."

Ed shook off the restraining hand. "Ha!" he pointed a shaking finger at the colonel. "You wish I was a woman just so you'll have someone in here you can fuck!"

Roy's eyes grew heavy lidded and his mouth stretched into a sensual smile. "Oh, but, Edward� you don't have to be a woman for me to fuck you." He prowled forward, stalking his prey.

Edward gave ground and eyed Roy like a bird looks at a snake. "I-I .."

Roy just kept coming. Ed loosed a terrified squeak and turned to flee. Roy tackled him before he had even taken one step. They rolled across the floor, Ed fighting him with all his strength. Eventually Roy overpowered the smaller boy, though it was a close match there for a moment. He held Ed's wrists to the floor on either side of that golden hair and lowered his head to ghost his lips across Edward's. "Let me, Edward. Let me make you feel good."

Long lashes swept downward over Ed's golden eyes. Shyly the boy tilted his face upward and offered his lips to Roy. "Yes." He breathed.

Roy pressed more firmly against those trembling lips and lightly outlined them with his tongue. "Open for me, Ed."

The blond allowed his lips to part and Roy swept in for a deep soul searching kiss and Ed whimpered.

~~**~~

Roy was exhausted and thoroughly pleased. Sleepily he pulled the warm bundle of Elric closer to him and sighed, burrowing his face into mussed golden hair. The sound caught Edward's attention and he shifted to stare harshly into hazy blue-grey.

"Just one thing, Colonel Shit."

"Mmmh?"

"From now on, every night had better be an 'E' night."

"Jealous, Fullmetal?"

Ed sounded sullen when he answered. "Maybe, and no more stealing Havoc's girlfriends!"

For the first time in a long while, Roy Mustang truly laughed. "Of course not, Fullmetal. Now go to sleep."

Owari~

(1) In whichever of the eps where he meets Psiren he says this before he gets a shot.
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Save a Havoc, Ride a Mustang