Live Without You?

Warnings: NC-17, Not of age? Don’t read further!! 2x1, 3x4, some OOC(mostly on Heero’s part) Lemon & Lime, language (Duo’s potty mouth-big time-very inventive), abuse, angst, gay hating, rape, implied-torture, self-mutilation, slavery, BDSM, thoughts of suicide, some twisting of GW timeline, often & random view point changing(srry), some awful grammar and sentence structure in some places(srry I can’t catch all that the check misses), spelling should be okay thought(I hope). I think that just about covers it. Srry if I missed anything

My very first fanfic ever!!!!!!! Poppin’ my fanfic cherry. LOL. Let me know what you think plz. No matter what your thoughts are. Flames and praise are both welcome, unless you’re going to flame about something in that you were warned about, then it’s not my fault, I warned you.(See above.) Thx much.

echo13moon@hotmail.com

“…….” = Speaking, +…….+=speaking in Japanese, * ……. *= Thinking, ~………~=also thinking, implies arguing with ones’ self, //………//=Flashback

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The mission had not been a success. True they had destroyed the Oz out-post and the genetics laboratory that was built under it. That had been their mission. The building was gone, the data was gone, the technology was gone, Heero was gone, the Oz scientists were gone. Heero. Was. Gone! He’d been captured, crumpled by a blow to the head and taken by the fleeing Oz operatives as they ran from the raging inferno that had been their latest test site for weapons, genetics, you name it. It was now a smoking pile of rubble.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (2 days after Heero’s capture)

“It should have been me Trowa.” Duo stated softly to the green-eyed boy standing in the doorway to his room at the safe house they all shared for the moment. “It should have been me not him.”

“Why do you say that?” Trowa asked.

“Because I’m not supposed to let my partner be captured!! Because he’s my friend!” he yelled loudly. Surprise showed on Trowa’s face at Duo’s outburst. He blinked in shock as Duo looked back at the floor beneath the bed he was sitting on. Duo was trembling. He was supposed to be the happy-go-lucky one, the one who always found the bright side of things. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved or shaken by the realization that his laughing friend’s heart held such deep emotion. Not that Trowa considered Duo to be shallow in any way. He knew the nonstop laughing and joking were his way of dealing with things and a way to get his friends to enjoy themselves.
“I have to get him back, I have to.” He whispered softly.

“Yuy could be dead already.” Trowa said concerned by the tone in his friend's voice. Wanting the shorter boy to realize that Heero Yuy, pilot 01 of the Wing Zero Gundam, could indeed be dead. Duo stopped trembling, he stopped breathing. Blackness clouded the edges of his vision.

A hand grabbed his wrist and unclenched it from Trowa’s throat. Arms wrapped themselves around his waist and physically pulled him away. Trowa slumped to the floor rubbing his bruised throat painfully as he gratefully sucked in air. Wufei and Quatre pinned the struggling Duo against the opposite wall with difficulty. Slowly the darkness retreated and the comprehension of what he’d done sank into his mind. He tried to kill Trowa. He hadn’t wanted to warn Trowa or just make him stop talking. He wanted to kill the thing that would dare utter such foul blackness into the air around them. He slumped against the wall, hanging in Quatre and Wufei’s tight grasp.

“You tried to kill me.” Trowa croaked simply around his sore trachea. [1]

“I’m sorry.” Duo mumbled.

“Sorry?” Wufei said in shock. *Duo never apologizes seriously, he never does anything seriously.*

*Mumble? Duo never mumbles, he’s always loud and boisterous.* thought Quatre. *Something is defiantly wrong here and it doesn’t take a shrink to figure out.* He and Wufei lowered Duo to the floor once it became apparent that he wasn’t going to, or couldn’t, stand on his own.

Wufei crossed his arms across his chest, at five foot seven he got second place for shortest of the Gundam pilots, with Heero being first at five foot five, Quatre was five foot nine. Duo towered over him at six foot and Trowa was a giant at six foot two. Those last two inches really did mean something.

“What exactly was all that about?” he chided as he looked back and forth between Trowa and Duo like they were two naughty children. Trowa leaned back against the wall, pulling one leg up and resting his arm against his bent knee while his other lanky leg lay stretched out in front of him.

“I apparently said something to upset Duo.” Trowa told them.

“Upset?” Wufei questioned, wondering if he heard right.

“What did you say?” Quatre asked.

“He said that Heero could already be dead.” Duo told them softly. He started straight ahead not blinking, as if frozen. Then he closed his eyes against the pain in his heart. Heero. Dead. The two words didn’t belong together unless it was as Heero in Shinigami’s arms, his arms. ‘No!’ his heart and soul rebelled at the thought of his tousle-haired angel gone forever. He felt tears welling up against his eyelids. Threatening to break his joker’s mask forever. *No I will not cry! I will never cry until I have him back!! Heero is not dead and I will find him! *

Quatre shifted uncomfortably. “Duo,” he began. “Heero could be dead.” Duo’s slim eyebrows drew together slightly, as if conferring on the matter. He looked up slowly meeting Quatre’s eyes.

“He’s not.” Duo stated certain. Wufei shifted forward excitedly.

“What? You’ve found something on him already?” Wufei asked incredulously, thinking Duo had some information of the whereabouts of the silent Japanese pilot.

Duo shook his head in a negative response. Wufei looked down at him in confusion. Duo stood smoothly and swiftly to his feet. “Get out of my room.” He demanded quietly.

“Hn.” Wufei shrugged and left quietly. Quatre gave him a strange look as he turned and left. Trowa got silently to his feet. He stopped in the doorway and turned back to Duo.

“Your apology is accepted Duo Maxwell. Rest well.” he said and pulled the down shut after him. It clicked home with a frightening sense of finality.

Duo sank shakily back to the bed he’d been sitting on earlier. He hung his head in his hands feeling pain and loss wash over him in torrents. He pushed it down brutally. He had to find Heero. Heero didn’t need his koibito now he needed a Perfect Solider. He needed an emotionless killing machine that would stop at nothing to achieve his mission. And his mission was to find pilot 01. Dr. J and Dr. G had contacted him the day after he filed his mission report. His primary function now was to regain possession of pilot 01and neutralize any damaging information Oz may have gained. Duo refused to think about how that information could be gotten out of the quiet, small boy. He would still do other small missions on the side, but for now his focus was to find Heero, his koi. That suited him just fine. Duo reached for Heero’s laptop, a sense of calm overcoming him. Duo had sunk deep inside him; he wondered if this was how Heero felt when him embraced the soldier inside him. He hacked database after database, read file after file, report after report. The search was on.
~~~~~~~~Six days later a knock sounded at his door. He ignored it. It was probably Quatre trying to bring him something to eat. He wasn’t hungry. He’d barely touched the food the blond haired boy had brought him earlier in the day. Or was that yesterday? Duo couldn’t remember clearly.

The door opened quietly and Trowa stepped into the door, closing the door after him. Heero didn’t look up or acknowledged the other boy in any way, just kept typing.

“You haven’t sleep yet have you.” Trowa stated.

“No.” Replied Duo curtly, flipping his ragged chestnut bangs out of his eyes with his fingers without realizing it, without pausing his typing. He didn’t have time to talk.

“Even if you were to find out where Heero was being held right now, I wouldn’t let you go save him. I’d stop you from leaving.” Trowa stated. Duo stopped typing he lifted his head slowly from where he sat on his bed with his laptop. His violet eyes held no emotion as he stared across the small room into the slightly taller young man’s green eyes. Trowa knew what he’d said; he knew he just set himself up as an obstacle to completing a mission.
“Your hands are shaking. You haven’t eaten more that a few bites since the last mission ended. You haven’t slept at all. I wouldn’t let you leave to complete a mission I knew you where only going to fail because you didn’t care for your body and it gave out on you. Especially not a mission to save Heero.” Trowa said softly in an even voice.

“Hn.” Duo grunted.

“Dinner’s ready.” Trowa told him and left the room. Duo looked at he back of the retreating boy as he left Duo’s door open. Duo looked down at his hands, which were indeed shaking visibly. He switched the laptop into sleep mode and left his room silently.

A plate of food awaited him at the table they ate dinner at. Duo’s stomach grumbled loudly at the smell of the food, much to his annoyance. A glass of cold water sat on the table next it, condensation beading on the clear glass and reflecting the light. He was suddenly very thirsty. And no wonder, he realized it had been about three days since he last drank anything. He sat at the table and drank the large glass in a few quick gulps. Wufei took the glass from him and refilled it from a pitcher in the fridge silently and then again as Duo gulped the water hurriedly. He ate everything on the plate quickly and silently. He rose to get seconds and stopped still as he turned back to face the scene at the table. Five chairs surrounded the table. Only four where being used tonight. The fifth chair lay empty, a glaring testament to the fact that Duo had failed his precious lover. Hurt flicked across his eyes at he looked at the empty place and was not lost on the three other observant pilots. He sat back down without comment. He finished the food quickly and hurried from the dinning area and back to his room.

Quatre heaved a deep sigh as Duo left the room. “At least he ate.” He said trying to remain upbeat.

“What I don’t understand is why he’s acting like this.” Wufei stated folding his arms across his chest and leaning his chair back on two legs. “Sure we all want to save Heero, if we can, but he’s being so…weird about it. So very unlike himself. I’ve never seen him this serious.”

“He thinks he failed by letting his partner get captured.” Offered Trowa. “He thinks he has a debt to pay to Heero.”

“He wasn’t even in the room when it happened.” Argued Wufei. Trowa shrugged silent once more. They all missed the constant chatter from the American boy. The clumsiness, the loud annoying laugh. Even if some of them wouldn’t admit it out loud.

“Its late.” Quatre stated and stood to his feet. He and the others cleared the table in a melancholy silence. Wufei went to his room after being assured they didn’t mind doing the dishes and wishing the other two good night with a wide yawn.
~~~~~~~~Trowa watched Quatre as he put the newly washed dishes away. He stood on his tiptoes to pile a stack of plates into one of the cabinets above him. His short green T-shirt lifted, flashing the smooth skin of his back and his firm ass encased in tight faded blue jeans. Trowa heaved a small sigh and thanked the gods for the makers of Bongo®. For the millionth time Trowa wondered how Quatre would react if he came onto the aquamarine eyed beauty. And that not knowing kept him from acting on his impulses. Besides he didn’t want to be hurt like the last time he’d admitted his feelings to a crush. He valued Quatre’s friendship too highly to ruin it with something as sordid as mere physical need.
*Just physical? * He asked himself and shook his head. “No not just physical. * He admitted silently that he had feelings for the blond-haired boy. But he didn’t really know what those feelings were; he couldn’t explore them without telling his friend that he was attracted to him. *Attracted? Try more like infatuated, head over heels for, lusting after. Love? * He refused to even ponder that path of thinking. It would hurt too much if he let himself realize he had true feelings for the handsome blond. Knowing that they wouldn’t be returned. He sighed again and wished Quatre a good night and went to the room he shared with Wufei.

The safe house they were in was huge compared to some of the others they’d stayed in. It even came with two cars and a motorcycle that had been ‘barrowed’. Nothing fancy, just a little street rider, a sports car and an SUV. It had four bedrooms, two bathrooms, which was a really big deal to the five pilots. ‘Two bathrooms! I’ve gone to heaven!’ Duo had exclaimed when they arrived. There was a living area, and a kitchen with a dining area, that the house was built around. On one end was the master bedroom and bath, which Wufei and Trowa shared. The other end of the house held three smaller bedrooms and a bathroom for the three other pilots. Quatre let his mind wander aimlessly. Gods he missed Heero! He missed the quiet way he was always there, the way he yelled at Duo, the quiet talks they’d shared some nights when neither could sleep. Quatre knew he was into guys, but hadn’t told any of his friends. He didn’t want make any of them uncomfortable around him. But Heero was just his friend, a very dear friend. He didn’t have any physical feelings for Heero. Well only every now and then. The person who really held his attention was leaving the room. He repressed a sigh as Trowa walked away from him, his broad shoulders rolling under his tight shirt as he moved gracefully. He closed his eyes and let himself imagine for a moment what it would be like to rest his head against those shoulders, to wake up in the morning cradled against them.
“That is no way to get a good night’s sleep.” He admonished himself softly once the other pilot was gone. He finished cleaning and went quietly to his bed. He paused at the door to Duo’s room. He could hear the steady clacka-clacka-clacka as Duo’s fingers flew over the keyboard of the barrowed laptop. Quatre heaved a sigh; at least he’d eaten something finally.

Duo had fully intended to take Trowa’s unasked for advice and go to sleep after he’d eaten something, but seeing Heero’s chair empty at the table had again brought forth the hurt that had been dampened by tiredness and hunger. He had to find Heero. He had to. Nothing else matter, his own physical pain and discomfort were nothing compared to what his soul was feeling. He again pushed down his feelings as he cruised the Oz files he’d downloaded. *It has to be here, you don’t take a prisoner and not tell your superiors.* He thought. *Especially one that had a hand in destroying a huge compound like the one we did.* He shifted to get comfortable on the bed and focused intently on the file in front of him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I don’t care! He needs to sleep!” Quatre argued loudly.

“I’m only saying that you should leave him alone. He’ll do what he wants.” Wufei stated.

“We’ve tried once already and it did us little good.” Trowa agreed with Wufei.

“No, I’m sorry but eleven days without sleep and having eaten only once is too much!” Quatre stated and left the living room hurriedly. He walked into Duo’s room without knocking. Duo didn’t look up but kept reading the file in front of him. Quatre walked to the bed and stood next to it with his arms folded across his chest.

“Duo you have to sleep now.” Quatre told him gently in a tone that brooked no argument.

But he was Duo and he would argue with the devil when he died. “I can’t.” Duo stated.

“Duo…” Quatre started again but Duo cut him off.

“The coffee’s gone.” Duo told him and continued reading as he scrolled down the page committing to memory the details of the report. Wufei and Trowa crowded the doorway watching the exchange between their two friends silently.

Quatre looked at him a moment in disbelief. “That’s a ten cup coffee maker. You just made the pot less than seven minutes ago.” Quatre stated shaking his head. “It must not be working very well, because you still look exhausted.” Quatre told him. Duo began typing again, searching for more information. “Duo you have to sleep.” Quatre told him again and reached to pull the laptop from Duo’s grasp.

Duo whipped around and pulled a pistol out from under his pillow with lightening speed. He leveled it at Quatre’s chest silently. *He really means business.* thought Quatre as he ignored the gun and rested his hand slowly on the edge of the computer’s screen. Trowa’s heart clenched in his chest at the sight of a gun pointed at Quatre. He kept his face impassive though.

“Hear me out.” He asked.

“Let go of the laptop.” He demanded. Quatre kept his hand where it was. “Quatre.” He said warningly. This wasn’t Duo, this was Shinigami and you only got one warning.

“If the situation was reversed and you had been captured instead of Heero and he were treating his body the way you are, you’d scold him for it. Let me search for him while you sleep for a while and take care of yourself. Just stop running yourself ragged. Let me help you, let me guard your back.” He pleaded. The gun wavered slightly in Duo’s hand. “I know I’m not your partner, but trust me awhile and let me help you with your mission.” Quatre said softly. Duo lowered the gun slowly. Trowa found suddenly that he could breath again. Duo nodded his head once and Quatre lifted the wireless laptop from him. “I’ll be in the kitchen or living room.” he stated and turned to go. Duo watched him walk past the other two boys like he was taking his only child from him. Wufei turned away and Trowa followed him.

Duo rose to his feet silently. He realized that he hadn’t taken a shower since the end of his last mission. Dried blood was still caked to his arm where he’d been cut by a piece of debris. He was still wearing dirt-covered clothes, his hair felt gritty. He left his darkened room and was surprised to find that it was the middle of the afternoon still. Although he couldn’t tell you which afternoon. He headed to the bathroom and stripped himself naked. Climbing into the shower he ran the water warm and began to wash. He realized just how tired he was as the warm water ran over his skin. He leaned against the shower wall heavily closing his eyes, intending to take a long shower and an even longer nap. Brooding cobalt eyes flashed in his mind. He flinched in pain. He rinsed the soap from his body hurriedly and climbed shaking out of the shower. He cursed himself silently; he’d forgotten to bring clothes with him. He shrugged. He wrapped the ugly striped towel around his waist tightly, pulled his hair back with a thick hair band and went into the living room. Quatre sat on the couch focused intently on the laptop before him. Duo stood before him and Quatre looked up at him expectantly. Trowa sat reading a book in a chair and Wufei was absent from the room. Duo reached to take the laptop from the blond boy. Quatre stood quickly to his feet and backed away clutching the laptop.

“You haven’t slept yet Duo.” Quatre reproached him. “And you need to eat again.”

“Give me back the laptop.” He demanded his voice still and deadly.

“I can’t believe you’d do that.” Quatre stated hurt. Duo looked at him silently letting his confusion show. “I can’t believe you’d insult me like this.”

“What are you talking about?” Duo asked his tired mind unable to follow the other boy’s line of thinking.

“You agreed to let me help you, you agreed to trust me and now you’re telling me you don’t think I can do it.” Quatre told him affronted.

“I didn’t mean to offend you.” Duo told him blushing slightly. “I need the laptop back.” He repeated.

“What changed your mind? Why am I suddenly not trustworthy?” Quatre asked seriously.

“Its not that Quatre. I need…” Duo stopped short. ‘I need to find him’ he’d been going to say, but realized how desperate he’d sound. *I need to find my koibito, I need to find the man that I love and assure myself that he’s all right. Because I lost him.* Duo thought to himself silently. *Of course I can’t tell them that.*

“You do need to sleep Duo.” Trowa agreed softly. “If he finds anything I’ll come and wake you.” his friend promised. Duo nodded silently and left the room.

“He’s exhausted.” Quatre said softly. Trowa blinked and pulled his eyes away from Duo’s swaying ass as he walked back down the hallway towards his room.

“Yes he is.” Trowa agreed and went back to his book.

*It has to have been my imagination.* Quatre told himself. *There is no way Trowa was checking out Duo’s ass. Right?* Quatre had checked out the fit pilot often enough to know that he was worth watching. In fact he’d been checking out Duo as he walked away also, but told himself he should get back to his mission of helping Duo. He’d had daydreams about most of his friends, but mostly about the sexy and reserved Trowa.
“Trowa…” the name left his lips before he knew it. *Oh shit, oh shit!* Quatre cussed silently as Trowa looked up at him with those big green eyes. *Say something, say anything. Now is not the time to drown in his eyes!* He yelled at himself. *Duo, ask him about Duo * ~No, don’t ask him about Duo! ~ He argued loudly. He floundered for something to say. ~*Oh fuck it *~ he shouted in his mind.

“Trowa…” Quatre’s sexy voice said softly. Trowa looked up silently noticing a panicked look in Quatre’s eyes for a moment before he repressed it. Trowa watched Quatre with growing concern as he stared across the room at his heart’s desire. “Trowa…” Quatre said again as a blush stole over his face. “Were you…checking Duo out?” he asked evenly.

“Wh…What?” Trowa stammered slightly.
*Good going Quatre. You crackhead.* The blond boy blushed at his mistake. *May as well dig a deeper hole.*
“Where you checking out Duo’s ass?” he asked keeping his voice even.

*Oh shit, oh shit!* Trowa thought silently and blushed as well. He swallowed dryly a couple times then thought. *What the hell! Its too late now!*
“Yes I was.” He stated and went back to reading his book silently. Refusing to look at his friend.

After a short time Quatre’s fingers starting ticking on the keyboard again and Trowa slowly let out the breath he’d been holding. He actually began trying to read the book when he realized that Quatre wasn’t going to do anything else. *Like leaving the room in disgust, or shouting at me, or telling Duo and having him kick my ass.* Trowa thought with a small twist of bitter humor. *Maybe I should say something or maybe I should just drop the whole thing.* Trowa repressed a sigh focused on the page before him.

Quatre stopped typing and Trowa held his breath again. *Here it comes, the yelling begins. Just like last time.* Trowa thought to himself and cringed inside.
“So was I.” Quatre said almost inaudibly. Trowa’s head snapped up, his eyes were wide as he stared at the sheepish Arabian looking back at him. Quatre lowered his head and began to type again as he continued talking.

*Please don’t let this end badly.* Quatre prayed silently. “Sometimes I can’t help myself, you know? I know Duo is as straight as a fucking arrow, I mean look at all the girls he flirts with. I’m sure he’s been out with tons of girls.” Quatre was rambling and he knew it. Trowa fought the urge to go hug him. “But all the same sometimes I can’t keep my eyes off that tight little ass. And on the one occasion when he walked around with his hair down I felt like I was going to die.” Quatre smirked at the computer screen. Then his smile fell as he realized he gotten a little too enthusiastic in his ramblings. He swallowed silently.

“Those legs.” Trowa breathed softly. Quatre tossed a praise of thanks to Allah quickly.

“Those shoulders.” Quatre said smiling once more.

“Those eyes.”
“Those eyes.” They both said and looked up at each other. Trowa’s smile slowly faltered and he looked back down.
Quatre became serious as well when a starling thought occurred to him. *What if Trowa really likes Duo? Now he’ll see me as a threat. Damn it!*

*Why me? The one guy I like has the hots for Maxwell.*Trowa thought morosely.

*I have to let him know I’m not after Duo.* The blond thought. “Yes he’s got a hot body, but not really my type.” Quatre said emotionlessly.

“Hn.” Was all Trowa said, but his heart soared.

“I like a taller…people. Usually like taller people.” *Smooth.*Quatre decided not to say the ‘B-word’ [2] even though he was totally gay and he knew it. Just because they were talking about how hot their fellow pilot was didn’t mean Trowa was gay or even bisexual. Maybe he just knew sexy when he saw it.

*I’m tall, I’m tall!!!* Trowa practically shouted. “Hn.” Was all he said again, deciding to take a page from Heero’s book and not talk too much, not that he normally had that problem. He knew he wouldn’t embarrass himself anymore that way. He found himself wanting to ramble for some reason. *What are you doing?!?* He yelled at himself as his mouth began to speak without his consent. “His eyes are nice because they’re bright and laughing, they’re Duo. But I don’t really care for violet myself.” Trowa stated. *Don’t, don’t please don’t! Don’t make him hate me!* He begged as his mouth and heart told his mind what he was going to say. “I think aquamarine is a much better color.”

Quatre’s breath hissed into his lungs quickly as he held his breath. *Did he just hit on me? Is Trowa hitting on me!!?!!* He asked himself in shock. He looked up at Trowa in disbelief. The others boy’s eyes swam with emotions he couldn’t hide so he turned away. Quatre caught a stab of sharp emotion before he turned away and wondered if he wished he’d not said anything. *He wasn’t hitting on you. He was just making a statement and then realized he hadn’t meant to.* Quatre chided himself.
“This whole time we’ve been at the safe house, hell any safe house, I’ve been trying to…” he trailed off suddenly serious.
* Here it comes…* Trowa thought. *He really does like Duo. He said ‘usually likes taller people’ not that he did this time. Way to humiliate yourself Barton.*

Quatre took a deep breath and continued. “Trying to hide the fact that I can’t keep my eyes off of…you,” he said softly with a hopeful note in his voice. Trowa’s face turned red as he absorbed the information.
*Oh no, I’ve just pushed away one of my best friends!* Quatre thought in something akin to panic as Trowa looked at him silently. *I should have left well enough alone.*

Trowa didn’t know what to say, he was speechless. He’d daydreamed of a moment like this for so long that he’d long ago stopped believing that it would come true. He wanted to say something cool or sexy, instead…
“M…me? You’re attracted to me?” he managed to stutter out in a dull monotone past the pounding of his racing heart. He felt he was lucky to have said that.

“Yeah, I’m sorry…ya know…” Quatre jumped to his feet suddenly, face beet-red, and rushed from the room. He went into his room with a banging of the door.

“Way to go Trowa, reeeeal smooth.” He muttered and pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes. He sat for a moment like that trying to gather himself.

~~~~~~~~Quatre pressed his face into his pillow and kicked his legs against the bed furiously. *How could you have been stupid enough to think that he’d have any kind of emotion for you? What were you thinking??* He screamed at himself, even as he uttered a yell into his unfortunate pillow. He felt the familiar depression coming over him as he contemplated being alone for a very, very long time. *Probably the rest of your life.* he told himself sadly. A hesitant knock sounded at his door. *Time to say goodbye to your friendship.* He thought and tears sprang to his eyes. He brushed them away and tried to put on a neutral face, his diplomat face. He lay still a moment more. The knock was a little louder this time. “Quatre?” Trowa said questioningly as he tried the handle. It was locked. “Please don’t make me do this through the door.” He asked. Quatre sighed sadly.

The door opened slowly and Trowa heaved a sigh that started as relief then went to disappointment and then sorrow. *He’s got that diplomatic look on his face.* the taller boy thought sadly. Quatre stood in the doorway looking up at Trowa with a smile plastered on his face. It was neither too big, nor too small and didn’t reach his eyes. One would think he was having a good time, but not too good a time. “I’m sorry, that was very childish of me.” he apologized formally. “I hope that I haven’t made you too uncomfortable and I hope that we can still be friends.” He said sincerely.
*He thinks I’m rejecting him.* Trowa realized.
“I value our friendship greatly and would never do anything to endanger that. And I’m sorry if this makes you feel any different about me, but……………I’m gay Trowa. Completely, totally, and thoroughly gay. And I really do hope that we can still be just be friends, I want nothing more than that.” Quatre continued even though he knew he was rambling excessively. Quatre glanced up with determination and pain in his eyes to judge Trowa’s reaction as the smile stayed frozen on his face.
*How could I have just sat there and not said anything to him about this? Just let him walk away and now he has the completely wrong idea.* Trowa asked himself angrily.
Quatre looked back at the floor as anger flashed in Trowa’s deep green eyes. “I truly do just want to be friends…if that’s alright with you? And I…” Quatre stopped suddenly as Trowa pushed him into the darkening room roughly, the meager evening sunlight trying its best to filter through the thick curtains to no avail. He kicked the door shut with his foot and twisted the lock without looking away from Quatre. He was visibly shaking and trembling. His jaw was clenched tightly.
*Oh shit!* Thought Quatre his smile slipping. He remembered too late that some people really, really hate people who have different sexual tastes. Trowa could be one of those people. He just never thought any of his friends would be like that, he’d always thought better of them. But Trowa looked really scary in the dark room with his bangs covering one of his glinting eyes. *Not again please!* He begged silently with a gasp. Trowa grabbed for him quickly and the Arab boy hurriedly tried to back out of his reach. Trowa lunged forward and wrapped his hand around the back of Quatre’s neck and pushed him against the wall roughly. Trowa latched his other hand tightly onto Quatre’s hip and leaned forward quickly. Quatre gasped in surprise and fear as the taller boy slammed him into the wall. He wanted to cringe in on himself, he wanted to cry. He squeezed his eyes shut against what he knew was coming. Another week in the hospital while he recovered a ‘fag beating’

“You’re shaking.” Trowa’s voice softly broke the stillness of the room. Quatre panted raggedly as the older boy held him pressed against the wall. “Quatre?” he lifted his hand from the back of the shorter boy’s neck and brushed it against his cheek softly. Quatre flinched from him and his eyes opened wide.
*I scared him.* Trowa cursed himself soundly. He pulled the smaller boy against his chest and wrapped his arms around his lithe body gently. Quatre stood against him stiffly a moment, then slowly relaxed into Trowa’s body. His breathing started to even out.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you little one.” Trowa told him softly. “I was mad at myself for letting you leave so suddenly.” He explained. He stroked his fingers along Quatre’s jaw line slowly tilted his face upwards. He leaned down slowly and pressed his lips against Quatre’s trembling mouth softly. That was all, just a light pressure of their lips meeting. The feeling of their bodies pressed against one another. It was a good first kiss. Trowa pulled back slightly and looked down into the beautiful depths of Quatre’s eyes.
“I don’t know if I can be just your friend anymore.” He whispered his voice shaking. Quatre let out a small gasping sob and threw himself forward into a passionate kiss that left them both gasping for air.
“Wait!” Quatre gasped suddenly just as Trowa was starting to run his hands under Quatre’s shirt hungrily. “I have to help Duo.” He stated. The both looked at the laptop, still glowing on Quatre’s desk.

“I’ll help too.” Trowa told him and picked up the machine. Pulling Quatre by the hand they went back into the living room. Trowa sat on the couch and pulled Quatre next to him. He handed the laptop to Quatre and wrapped him arm around the blond boys shoulders as he started searching again. Quatre leaned against his body and focused on the task in front of him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(2 months and 5 days after Heero’s capture)

He woke lying on a small filthy cot. He hurt all over. He thought that he’d never really understood the meaning of the phrase ‘hurt all over’ until just now. He was shackled and chained to the bed face down. His clothes were long gone; his hair was plastered to his nape. He tried to lift his head but groaned loudly and put it back on the rough fabric of the bed beneath him. Stars swam before his eyes.

“Well good evening.” A pleasant male voice said loudly. “If you promise to behave yourself I’ll let you off the bed before the festivities begin.” Boot heels could be heard clicking across a stone floor. Gray eyes swam into view as the owner leaned over his captive. “So what’s it going to be? Are you going to behave this time?” he asked cheerfully.

“Yeah…bastard.” He croaked unsteadily.

“Flattery will get you nowhere with me you know that Angel.” Heero kept himself from physically cringing at the nickname, but only just. Dirk unlocked the manacles holding his sore wrists. He sat up slowly bracing himself against the pain he felt. He looked up at the blond-haired soldier before him. He was tall, well built, in good shape. But his eyes looked a little too crazy for his liking and Heero had been on receiving end for far too long. It seemed like years.

“Where am I?” he asked shakily.

“You’re in the play room. You were just brought a little early.” Gray eyes told him.

“Play room?” He looked around in silence. *No, not again.* he pleaded silently. He wasn’t sure how much more he could take. There were five other young men, still boys almost, in the huge room, the oldest being around nineteen and the youngest being him, he was fifteen. They were all filthy and covered with scratches and bruises. They were all skinny and malnourished. They all had a despondent lack of hope in their eyes. *Do I look like them?* He asked himself silently. There were five other beds as well. The other young men milled aimlessly around the dirty room. Pacing back and forth like caged animals.
“You do know that I’m going to kill you right?” He evenly asked the well-groomed officer before him. The pale eyebrows shot up in genuine surprise. Then plummeted in fury. He turned on his heel and strode from the room angrily, a guard on the outside opening the locked door for him.

“Wings, are you okay?” one of the others named Quinn came up to him worriedly.

“I don’t know. I think I have a few broken ribs, nothing too bad.” he stated. “What happened to me?” The shorthaired boy asked rubbing a temple.

“They just kept kicking you.” Ryo said coming up to join the other two. “I thought for certain they were going to kill you.”

“Wings why do you always provoke them?” Quinn asked.

“Hn.” He replied.

“No I’m serious. You always provoke them, why? And you’re doing it more and more often.” He observed brushing a dark lock from his eyes. *He reminds me so much of Quatre sometimes that it’s almost scary.*
The door opened and a steady stream of soldiers walked in casually, there must have been sixty or seventy in all.

“Play time.” The Quinn said and his whole demeanor changed. He sank in on himself and took Wings’ arm in a death gripped. He pulled Wings against the wall, his breath coming in ragged pants. “I’m going to say the same thing I always tell you. Don’t fight if you can help it, even though I know you probably will.” He hissed into Wings’ ear. “It will be over soon.” Wings found that he was shaking from the note of terror in the other’s voice alone. Two soldiers grabbed each of the boys and pulled them forward until it was just Wings crouched against the wall. The others were pushed roughly onto the beds. There was an excited buzz in the large room. The men around them were hurriedly stripping off their clothes.
Wings eyes grew wide as three men held Quinn down and another crawled overtop of him and shoved his tongue into Quinn’s mouth. He wanted to stop this! He wanted to save himself and his cellmates. He hated feeling powerless. Four soldiers moved cautiously towards where Wings was crouched. He tensed his muscles to spring as they took another step forward. He didn’t think about, it was almost as if his body moved on its own. He sprang forward and kicked one of the approaching men in the side of the head. He dropped like a stone and lay still a moment. The remaining three charged toward him and slammed him against the wall. He struggled against them as best he could but his battered, weakened body could do little to help him. He and his fellow prisoners lived on air and will, as it were. They dragged him kicking and thrashing toward the worn bed he’d occupied not too long ago. Rolling him face down onto the mattress four of them gripped him tightly and held him fast as he fought against them incessantly. He shuddered without meaning to as a fifth set of hands dug painfully into his emaciated hips.
“I’m going to make you pay for kicking me, you little slut!” a harsh voice hissed in his ear. He felt the other man position himself against the opening of his body. He struggled hard as the man leaned over him. “You’re gonna get dry fucked Pretty Angel.” He thrust into Wings brutally and the small boy couldn’t keep in the cry of pain that rose to his lips. He pumped Wings’ hips up and down repeatedly, each thrust ripped the delicate muscle and tissue inside his body. Tears of pain sprang to his eyes as the man ground him against the cot’s hard surface. He wrapped his fingers in the dark locks and pulled Wings’ head back painfully as he finally came inside the boy beneath him. Panting he rolled off his victim and another set of cruel, firm hands grasped his hips as their owner pressed his hard member against Wings’ body. This soldier was wider than the last and stretched his pained, bleeding muscles even further. He heard someone cussing out a loud stream of vile obscenities in Japanese and English and realized it was him. The man plunged in and out of the boy with fast slippery-wet sounds. The hands held him fast as he continued to fight against them. He fought them hard but by the end of the third assault he was crying, by the end of the fifth one he screamed. His ragged yells mixing with the ones from the other abused prisoners. By the end of the seventh one he grew quieter, by the end of the eighth one he stopped fighting, staring straight ahead his eyes blank and unblinking. By the ninth they’d let him go, the tenth rolled him face up unafraid, smiling at the look of pain in those cobalt, thousand-yard stare, eyes as he sank into the bleeding, torn flesh with a sigh. The twelfth and thirteenth took him at the same time, one pounding him from behind, and the other slipping his cock into the boy’s slack mouth. The other prisoners each crawled away to a corner when the last of their abusers left them. They looked on in horror as men who’d just left them and stood around Wings to wait a turn with the now silent boy who’d struggled for so long, the one they’d tried to break ever since he came to them. Most of them bore some kind of mark from the violent prisoner. Soldier after soldier pulled him down onto their hard cocks and finally he just lay there not moving at all, his eyes closed. His face was bloodless. He looked dead and if he was none of them would have cared. Finally the last one pulled away and left the room and no others stepped forward.

The five other prisoners crept forward hesitantly, as if unsure of whether or not the soldiers where really gone even though they were alone in the room. Quinn pressed his fingers lightly against the soft flesh of Wings’ neck. He felt a strong, but fluttery pulse beat back against his fingers. He heaved a small sigh, Wings was still alive. He wrapped his thin arms around the other’s torso and dragged him quickly toward the far wall with the help of the others. They crowded around him, cradling him against their bodies to keep him from the filthy floor. Each trying to get some response out of their friend. The door creaked open a second time and the gray-eyed soldier stepped back into the room. He looked around, his eyes riveting to Wings. He strode forward purposely and stood over the seemingly comatose boy and those that held him.
“Take them back to the cell.” He commanded shortly. His eyes flared in anger as he turned away and left the room. Guards moved forward and hoisted each boy to their feet. One of them tossed Wings over his shoulder roughly. The fragile-looking boy still lay unconscious.
The gray-eyed man stood in the hallway as they left yelling at a subordinate. “I needed the information that faggot had, and now what do I have? A brain-dead, comatose rape victim!” he practically screamed. “You find me the unfortunate soldier who damaged a vital prisoner and bring him to me! Now!” he shouted and strode away angrily. “They were supposed to leave him conscious!!” He yelled loudly as he stromed off.

They were tossed, dumped, and shoved roughly into the tiny prison cell the six of them shared. Ryo made his way to where Wings lay crumpled of the floor. He hadn’t moved since the guard dropped him. Ryo laid a hand against his back gently. He curled into a tight ball with a whimper and didn’t move again.

On the fourth day he still hadn’t slept, and Quinn tried to give him some water again, but he still wouldn’t swallow it. He just lay on the floor his muscles tense eyes squeezed shut too tightly against his pain for him to be asleep. Quinn brushed his hand gently through Wings hair and the younger boy started to cry brokenly.
“Wings?” Quinn said hopefully. His eyes snapped open, his gaze distant. He took a deep shaking breath and started screaming loudly. Almost an hour later Azol, the oldest of the six, grimaced as he punched him in the temple a couple times until he passed out, his screams were cut off and the other five heaved sighs of relief.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wings woke up and looked hurriedly around the room he was in. He shifted his cramped muscles and pushed his legs away from his body; slowly uncurling from the tight ball he’d been in. A dark-eyed face that had once been well tanned peaked into Wings’ vision. Dark hair brushed against the owner’s cheeks as he looked down in concern.
“Quinn my head hurts.” He croaked to the older boy who smiled slightly at his words.

“Azol had to knock you out, we couldn’t get you to stop screaming.” Quinn said apologetically. With his words memories came flooding back to Wings and he shuddered against the other boy. Quinn held him tightly and whispered soothing words to the younger boy. Wings pushed away frantically and backed toward the wall in panic.
“Wings.” A smooth voice whispered in the darkness. He turned toward the source of the sound in the dim room. “ We won’t hurt you.” he assured. His words had an American accent to them and Wings relaxed slightly when he spoke. “We only want to help you,” he said softly. Wings relaxed some more and Quinn pressed a battered tin cup of water into his shaking hands and helped him lift it to his lips. He drank the tepid, briny water greedily and released the cup into Quinn’s grasp.
“Welcome back to the land of the living Wings.” Quinn told him almost jokingly. “We thought you were a goner for awhile.”
“You can’t kill the dead.” He stated simply and sat up slowly.

The door opened and the gray-eyed man stepped into the room while its occupants scattered to the far corners. “Hello my Pretty Angel.” He chimed sweetly. “Time for our lesson.”

“I won’t tell you anything.” He stated softly.

“Then I guess that’s just too bad for you now isn’t it.” the gray-eyed man said and motioned two guards forward. The grabbed him tightly and he just lay against the floor cringing. “What you’re not going to fight?” Dirk asked surprised.

“Why? I can’t afford to be hurt anymore.” He croaked shakily. Dirk looked almost sad and motioned for the guards to bring Wings with them as he turned to leave.

They strapped him to a metal surgical table with metal and leather bindings. “You will tell me what I want to know.” The blond man said assured.

“Go to hell.” He commanded evenly.

“Surely you must want to tell me something. Why do you fight me?” He picked up a scalpel and held it over Wings’ chest suggestively.

“Violet.” Wings managed to whisper harshly, his eyes never leaving the sharp point of the surgical knife. He knew only too well what that knife could do to him.

“What?” Dirk asked eagerly.

“Violet eyes,” he said softly.

“I want details that will help me to capture or kill those who’d keep the Colonies down. Not the color of someone’s eyes.” He pressed the knife firmly against Wings’ chest but didn’t break the skin. “So tell me what you know. There has to be something.”

“I can’t.” he said failing to keep a tremble out of his voice.

“Why?” Dirk asked as his slowly sliced the flesh before him. Wings’ breath hissed into his lungs.

“If I tell you, you’ll hurt them.” He said shaking as his skin was cut. “Aaahh…” he breathed out softly in pain.

“Hurt who?” Dirk asked.

“The person with violet eyes.” Wings’ hissed around his pain.

“That’s just too bad for you.” he stated and cut deeper, a smile playing on his lips as he hurt the young boy before him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(4 months, 3 weeks, and 2 days after Heero’s capture)

It had been four months…no almost five now, since Heero had been captured. Duo still had no solid leads on him. Not. A. God. Damn. Thing! It was as if he never existed other than in Duo’s mind. And in his heart, which broke silently everyday. He knew that Trowa and Quatre thought he was uncomfortable around the new lovers, but he didn’t care. He left a room almost as soon as they entered it. He didn’t want to be reminded of the happiness he was missing. With the lack of fiery retribution from those around him Wufei had also come out to his friends and brought his current boyfriend or girlfriend, whichever one he had at the moment, over to dinner often. He normally had a new lover every two weeks or so. Duo was always awkward at these events but stayed so as not to offend his friends. He even tried to crack a joke or two.

A knock sounded on Duo’s door. Without waiting for him to respond, because everyone in the house knew he wouldn’t say anything, Quatre slipped his head in the door.

“Dinner.” He said and stood waiting expectantly. It had become routine. Quatre would come get him for a meal and the blond Arabian would wait at his door for ten or fifteen minutes while Duo politely ignored him and finished what he was doing on the laptop. “Now.” Quatre stated breaking the routine and Duo’s fingers froze on the keyboard. *Was something wrong? What made the normally composed young man seem upset?* Duo closed the laptop down and plugged in the battery pack to charge.

He made his way to the kitchen silently and took a seat at the table. The other three boys looked at him quietly and he looked back at them. He knew they’d say something before him; he had the patience of a rock, or the stubbornness. Depending on how you looked at it. A few months ago Duo would have been chatting away happily, now he was silent. Quatre grasped Trowa’s hand on top of the table and Duo looked away closing his eyes. *How often had Heero reached for my hand under the table and I brushed him away fearing the others would see. He just kept coming back until I let him twine his fingers in mine and he’d give me that laughing smile with just his eyes as he got what he wanted. A joke only we shared.* He felt the tears he’d held back for four months threaten to spill forth.

“Duo…” Quatre’s soft voice brought him back to reality, a reality without Heero. Heero scowled at the blond silently. “Duo you have got to come to terms with the fact that Trowa and I are in a relationship together. You are making every one else uncomfortable and we feel guilty about showing our affection for each other for fear of hurting your feelings.”

“You even make me nervous.” Wufei admitted as he passed the food around the table. “I never would have thought something like this would bother you so much.”

“It doesn’t bother me,” he stated evenly.

“Then why do you look like you want to pull your eyes out of your skull whenever we look at each other?” Trowa asked he wasn’t angry he just wanted to understand his friend’s thoughts and feelings.

He looked up at his friends; they looked back at him in silence. *The reason we never told anyone is because we were afraid they’d hate us. Well two of them are together and the third is happy for them and is bi himself. I wish Heero were here. I wouldn’t be afraid of what they thought if he were here. I miss you.* He practically wailed inside his mind. *Its not that I’m gay. Funny all of us ended up at least bi.* Duo snorted softly at the irony. *I don’t want the pitying looks; I don’t want to see horror creep over Quatre’s face, as he imagines not having Trowa, just like I don’t have Heero. I don’t want to see Trowa draw into himself or Wufei trying to comfort me.*
“Seeing the two of you together makes me sad.” Duo admitted surprising even himself. “I don’t have what you have.” He said. “You’re happy, and I am happy for both of you. It just brings into sharp relief all…that I don’t have.” He continued then fell silent. He realized that his hands were gripped tightly in his lap and he couldn’t relax them. No one said anything for some very long moments. *You gave too much of yourself away Maxwell. Here comes the pity.*

“You’re…lonely?” Quatre questioned hesitantly.

“Yes damn it! I’m lonely!” he almost shouted even though he hadn’t wanted to and slammed his fist onto the table. “You have Trowa, Wufei has whoever he’s seeing now and I’ve lost…” Heero stopped short of saying ‘I’ve lost Heero’ with a hissing breath. “I’ve lost the ability to pursue any relationship long ago.” He amended.

“What are you talking about? You can have practically any girl you want.” Quatre stated emphatically.

“I don’t want just anyone Quatre. I want someone special. I want…” he trailed off and shook his head. “I want what you and Trowa have.”


“Dear gods Duo!” Wufei exclaimed. “If I’d known you needed someone I would have set you up a long time ago on a date. Or hell I would have beaten down your door myself!” Wufei said stabbing angrily at his pasta. Duo’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “You have a damn fine ass.” He stated looking Duo in the eye. Duo’s face turned red quickly.
*Please don’t let him kill me. He’s been so moody lately.* Wufei pleaded silently and went back to his pasta.
“I know a very sweet girl who’d be able to appreciate a funny guy like yourself.” Wufei told him. Duo made a choked noise in the back of his throat. “No. Okay I know a guy who’s looking for someone, nothing serious, just a fling so to speak. Good enough to eat.” A vein stood out on Duo’s forehead, a muscle ticked in his cheek. “Or we could forget I ever said anything.” Wufei suggested and prepared to flee the room. There was no loss of honor in fleeing the wrath of one of your friends, it kept them from killing you and feeling bad once the rage had subsided. Especially if that friend is Shinigami.
*How dare he!* Duo screamed in rage. *How dare he think I’d leave Heero! For a fling!* ~He doesn’t know you’re with Heero. And it’s your own fault. ~ He admonished himself. He took a deep shaking breath and exhaled slowly.

“No thank you, but the offer was kind.” Duo told him and Wufei’s eyebrows shot up at his lack of violence, threatened or otherwise. He didn’t even try to chase him from the room. He didn’t yell or cuss or anything.

*I’m not going to die! * Wufei thought elated.*I wonder if he’s sick.* He just nodded in response.

“Maybe you should go and met new people though.” Quatre suggested. “How do you know if you’ll get in a good relationship or not if you don’t try?” Quatre told him.

“I’m alright, thanks though.” He said and left the table without eating anything. His friends all sighed.

“So do you think tomorrow would be a good time to start Duo out on the blind dating scene?” Wufei asked without looking at his two friends as he shoveled pasta into his mouth.

“The sooner the better I suppose.” Came Quatre’s response.

“Agreed. And come to think of it he never does bring any girls home.” Trowa said thoughtfully.

~~~~~~~~The next day Trowa burst into Duo’s room suddenly with a bag in his hands.

“Put this on.” He commanded in a no nonsense tone that Duo began to obey instantly.

“What is this?” He asked as he shed his clothing quickly.

“A mission.” Trowa told him as he dumped a bag onto Heero’s bed.

“Why didn’t G contact me?” Heero asked.

“Its not a G mission. It’s a ‘get Duo out of the house and happy again’ type of mission” Trowa told him and grasped his face firmly in his long fingered hands. “Don’t move. Your going clubbing with Mark.” Trowa told him and began applying something to his eyes. Duo didn’t move an inch as Trowa prodded around his eye with something that felt cool and wet. Trowa rubbed lipstick or gloss or something onto Duo’s lips and grabbed a hairbrush from the dresser. He reached for Duo’s hair but stopped short when he saw the look on Duo’s face. It was a look of pure, unadulterated death.
“You’re hair looks good.” Trowa stated and set the brush back with a silent gulp. He stepped back and smiled at his work.

“Happy now.” Duo demanded as the doorbell rang and he thrust his feet into a pair of dark, mid-calf combat boots. Trowa nodded. “Good. Now go and get rid of the idiot ringing our bell I’m busy.” He growled and turned away.

“Oh…no time.” Trowa lamented and pressed forty dollars and a fake I.D. into his hand. He pulled Duo physically out of his room and into the living room as Wufei opened the door. “You’re going on a blind date.” Trowa leaned down to hiss in his ear as he pushed Duo the rest of the way into the room.

“Mark, good to see you.” Wufei exclaimed and pulled the guest into the house and kissed him on one cheek. “This is Duo.” He said turning as the other boy half stumbled into the room. Mark’s eyebrows rose as he gave a low whistle of appreciation.

“Wufei you didn’t do him justice.” The tall-dark-and-handsome young man said. Duo’s slim hips were encased in tight black leather pants. A long sleeved skintight cotton shirt hugged his pecs and abs temptingly. His large violet eyes were rimmed in kohl and black lipstick was smeared artfully on his full lips. His coppery bangs just barely hung over his eyes giving him the impression that he was always peering out past a thin veil. He was gorgeous. “This is for you,” Mark said smiling and handed Duo a single white rose with a lavender ribbon tied to the steam.

Duo took the proffered flower reluctantly, careful not to touch his ‘date’ in anyway. He sent a furious death glare to each of his ‘friends’. “Omae o korosu.” He whispered one of Heero’s favorite phrases, his voice dripped venom as he looked around the room.

“I don’t speak Japanese.” Mark said laughingly apologetically. “Well only ‘Sake’.”

“Good.” Duo hissed in English. And then he started yelling.

+Have all of you lost your minds?+ He practically screamed.

+He’s a nice guy.+ Wufei argued with him.

+I don’t care!+ He hissed and turned away.

+Please give it a chance.+ Trowa practically begged and grabbed his arm.

+Okay here’s my chance. While I stand around playing games with you Heero is out there and I have to find him!+ He yelled. +I don’t want to date anyone!+

“I don’t speak Japanese either.” Quatre said and stood next to Mark apologetically, he stiffened when Heero’s name was said though.

+Duo it’s been four months, and every one has said it was hopeless. You weren’t to blame for his kidnapping.+ Trowa said softly. +Move on. Our friend is gone. You found the autopsy report.+ Trowa’s voice broke. +And I…we don’t want you to beat yourself up over it anymore.+ Duo ignored him and turned to go again.

Wufei stepped forward and took Duo’s face roughly in his hands. He looked into the pilot’s violet eyes with his black ones. +Duo, Heero is dead. Heero is dead. He’s dead and he’s not going to come back. No matter how long you spend in front of his computer, no matter how long you go without sleep or how much you blame yourself. It won’t change. He is dead.+ Wufei said firmly but gently and with compassion. The taller boy’s eyes took on a thousand yard stare and he stumbled backwards from Wufei’s grasp. The rose slipped from his nerveless fingers and slumped to the floor. He turned without another word and went back into his room.

“I’m sorry you came all this way Mark but I don’t think it’s going to happen tonight, maybe some other time.” Quatre said apologetically. Mark nodded and smiled sadly. “His best friend died, we just found out about it not too long ago.” The other gave his consolations.

“Wufei told me he wasn’t really his normal self, so I’m not offended. Were they lovers?” he asked. Quatre would have laughed except he was upset that their plan hadn’t worked. He did smile though.
“No, I don’t think he’s ever been in a relationship like that before.” Quatre told him. Mark looked surprised. “I know it’s almost unthinkable as tempting a morsel he is, but I really think he hasn’t.” Quatre said half joking.
They bid each other good night and Quatre locked the door with a sigh. The three friends looked at each other in silence.

“That didn’t go well.” Trowa stated needlessly a couple hours later as they sat in the living room not watching a movie together. No one asked what he was talking about.
A shot rang out through the night suddenly and the three of them rushed to Duo’s room cursing and drawing weapons. Not bothering with the handle Wufei kicked the door in. Duo lay on the bed in the dark room not moving. The gun in his hand lying out to one side. They stood in silence, none of them wanting to be the one to walk forward and confirm that their friend had shot himself.

“Oh, Duo no.” Quatre sobbed as his voice caught in his throat. He pressed his hand against his mouth to hold back a scream.

Duo raised his arm and fired another bullet into the ceiling. They all jumped and breathed a sigh of relief that he was still alive, although not too happy still.

“Duo…”Wufei began. Duo fired four more shots in quick secession, empting the clip. Bits of plaster and dust floated down slowly. Duo continued to pull the trigger, the gun clicking as it tried to fire more bullets. “Duo…” Wufei said again and took the empty gun from his friend who didn’t resist. “I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have pushed you. We’re just worried is all.” the American pilot didn’t reply. Wufei sighed and left the room sadly. Trowa made a noise of frustration and folded his arms across his chest as he too turned leave.

“We really were just trying to help.” Quatre said as he walked into the room. “We’re really worried about you.” Heero could hear the note of true concern in the blond boy’s voice and it made him feel guilty as hell.
*I will not cry. I will not cry. I haven’t found Heero yet!* He told himself. But gods he was so…lonely?…yes that was the word Quatre had used. He felt lonely. Four months for waking up alone every day, of falling asleep alone every night and knowing it wasn’t going to change anytime soon. Curled up into a tight miserable ball in the middle of his bed, fighting not to go into Heero’s room and wrap himself around one of his pillows, because if he did he’d cry. Heero’s cold lingering scent seeping into his skin would be too much to bear. He was scared; he’d found the autopsy report detailing the brutal death of a young man about sixteen years old matching Heero’s description perfectly. He’d almost cried then, but his heart told him Heero was still alive. And he disregarded the report, knowing his friends would think him crazy for it. Maybe he was. But now his heart told him nothing. Not a thing. He couldn’t feel Heero at all anymore. *Maybe he is gone.* He closed his eyes against his pain. Quatre wrapped his arms around Duo’s stiff shoulders gently.
“We’re your friends Duo and we always will be. But you have to move on. Heero wouldn’t want you to mourn him forever.” He said softly. Duo shook his head slightly.

“I’m not ready yet.” He admitted despite himself.

“Duo,” Quatre knelt down and gripped his shoulders in his hands. “It’s been almost five months and we haven’t heard a whisper about him. You can’t do this to yourself.” Duo pushed the blonde’s hands away roughly. “What? What is it; you act like this was your fault.” Quatre stood to his feet and practically shouted as he began pacing in the small room. “Yes, he was your partner, but he was our friend too. We’ve cried over him too. Duo please, please let it go. Stop acting like…like you lost your lover.” Duo flinched slightly but Quarte didn’t notice, so intent was he on his speech. Duo sat on the bed breathing raggedly. “Duo what can I do to help you?” He asked sincerely.

“Help me find him Quatre. The autopsy was false I know it. Help me find him or leave me alone.” He almost begged.

“I will do anything I can to help you find him, even though I think the autopsy was his, if and only if, you agree to go out with us once a month and at least try to have fun. Okay? Then we won’t worry as much.” Quatre told him.

*They worry about me? *The thought dawned on Duo that they weren’t just saying that. They really cared. “If that’s what it takes, then fine.” Duo growled.

“Go with us tomorrow night.” Quatre implored. Duo sighed but agreed and Quatre left as Duo reached for his lover’s laptop.
*Why did I shoot the ceiling? * He asked himself. He’d sat on his bed and pulled Heero’s gun from under his pillow. It was a habit he’d picked up from Heero, at least since he was captured. For the first time Duo thought he understood why someone would want to sleep with a pistol under their pillow. He looked at it for what seemed like a long time. The gun he hadn’t seen in months, not since…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[1] Means throat. More specifically it applies to the cartilage ridges surrounding the esophagus. Not fun to have bruised or pulled out like Duo was trying to do to poor Trowa.

[2] Boyfriends. Duh!! You thought I meant the other ‘B-word’ didn’t you?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The rest of this is still in the works. Sorry to leave you all hanging like this. The next chapter is a flashback chapter to when Heero and Duo fall for each other and all the mess that surrounds that. It's turning out to be a lot longer than I thought i would.
Be done soon!!!