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Moonlight and Shadows	By : Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 597 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Moonlight and Shadow
- 1
Chapter contributed by : Schwertlilie

I've been trying to come up with a catchy summary to get more people to read this story, cause I love this one!! So if you have a suggestion, please send it to me^.^

Moonlight and Shadows

~Duo P.O.V.~

The moon is bright tonight, spilling thickly through the thrown open windows in my bedroom. The sheets are crumpled somewhere towards the bottom of my feet. Thrown there heartlessly hours ago,

I've yet to find the energy or the need to pull them back over my naked flesh.

The truth is I'm too afraid to move from this spot; lying on my stomach, looking over my shoulder and out those windows. Wishing not for the first time I could fly right out of them and bathe fully in that tender moonlight.

I don't want to stay here.

To eventually have to look around the room. See the reminders that He just left, as He does every time. Leaving behind only the cooled sheets I'll have to change, the impressions on my skin I'll hide in the morning and an ache deep in my chest I never can soothe away.

It's what He takes with Him when He goes that leaves me lying here, lost to a world that cannot see me, save only for this light.

A savior in the night.

A more constant companion than the man I had foolishly let myself fall in love with when I wasn't looking, when I was distracted by His bated words, His hands roughly holding me against Him.

Somehow my heart had let itself be torn open and bled into until it was so full every beat without Him near me now is painful. It rips at everything inside me and keeps me longing for Him even when He's here.

Somewhere along the way I forgot how to live without Him.

Nothing has shown that I'll ever learn that again.

So here He's left me, waiting for Him to return at His leisure. Knowing I'll always be here.

Where else would I go?

There's no reason for me to leave and none for Him to stay. To say otherwise would be bull shit and not worth the words.

Tears rest heavily against the edge of my blurring eyes and yet I know they will not fall. Never have I shed tears for this, for us or for Him and I doubt I could start now even if I wanted to.

The soft chords of the last song on the CD comes on and I muster the strength to reach across the gap between the bed and the side table to turn the volume louder.

It was The Song.

The song that had changed my life.

I turn it louder still. No one is around, no one will care, and if they do they can go fuck themselves.

If I build a wall

A hundred feet tall

Would that keep you in?

If I shackled your feet

So you couldn't leave

Would you try and run?

I let out a breath mixed with bitter laughter. People can be manipulated, people can be tricked, people can be restrained, framed, coaxed and fooled, but never can someone be made to love you.

I know that too well.

I'm not sure if I could fool myself into believing that I didn't start to care about Him from the first time we met, as cliched as that has to sound. But I always knew what He was like. Always knew His heart would never lie still with me in this moonlight. That's not His style nor want.

He would never let me keep Him.

If I promised not to fight

At least not tonight

Would you stay the night?

If I wore that little dress

That you like the best

Would you pass my test?
I remember too clearly what happened tonight.

The power in my building had gone out "mysteriously"

(wouldn't be back on till morning the supervisor had said)

but not before I had put candles in strategic places, made His favorite dinner, bought His favorite wine and set up the CD player run on batteries.

Pretty much cut my balls off for one night of romance.

Tonight I�d been determined that if he couldn't love me in the warm comfort I'd created for us, He never would.

He had come and though He barely seemed to acknowledge the atmosphere in the apartment, neither did he scorn it.

I fed off that tiny hope.

We'd eaten and drank, talked and laughed. I felt like angels had lifted me to cloud nine and I floated there so content with Him. For once I felt like when He took me to bed His hands were just a touch gentler, His words softer, His passion for me greater.

Then, when we were done...that was it.

It was over, spell broken, 12:00 o'clock had struck and I was turned back into the nothing underneath His feet. He left like He has so many times before and I knew then, even if He could never love me neither could I move on from Him; from this. I'd always let him come back despite it...

I hate myself for that.

As I had lain there earlier tonight, watching Him pulling on His perfectly tailored suit, tying His shined leather shoes and neatly pressed tie the breath in my throat had caught and I had hoped to god I'd never have to breathe again.

Because I couldn't cry.

Would you stay?

Would you stay with me?

Would you stay?

Stay with me?

If I poured another drink

What would you think

About staying in?

If I was sincere

And whispered my fears

Would you still be here?
I know why He never stays the night.

Why no matter how drunk, how tired, how comfortable He may be with me, He's
never been in my life long enough to leave His scent on my clothes, on my sheets...something to save my sanity in the night.

(I may be stupid when it comes to Him but I'm not ignorant)

Its because when He leaves here He can forget me.

Like I was only part of His daily routine...

In the end all I've become...all I am is scheduled time. As easily forgotten as what He ate for breakfast that morning. I'm tension relief or whatever you want to call it. I'm not something for Him to hold, to care about...to love.

How do I know this?

Over the time we've been together I, like the idiot I am, have poured everything I ever was, and thought myself to be before him and it means nothing to him. He couldn't even remember my birthday.

Was surprised when I came home late that night from a party the few friends I still had had held for me.

Demanded to know where I had been.

And because I'd drunk far more than I should have before facing Him, proceeded to tell him I was just trying to live a little before slinking back into hell and to Him. The man I loved and who couldn't even be bothered for well wishes on my special day.

He'd blinked.

Then left.

That night was spent staring out the window at the moon.

Much like I'm left to tonight.

The next night He'd come and taken me so forcefully I couldn't walk properly for the next five days and then left afterwards without uttering a single word.

Still no tears had come to me.

Would you stay?

Would you stay with me?

Would you stay ?

Would you stay with me?

With me.

Would you Stay?

Would you stay with me?

Would you stay?

Would you stay with me?

With me.
I finally move to lean over the edge of the mattress to grab a damp bundle when shook out vaguely resembled a pair of boxers. Wrinkling my nose I sigh as I throw yet another pair of ruined underwear towards the trash. They were sexy black silk ones too, the ones I painstakingly picked out to show the curves as they clung to me.

He hadn't noticed...and I hadn't felt sexy at all.

I wince at the gut stabbing pain lancing from the base of my spine to the back of my balls as I sit at the edge of the bed, gathering my thoughts around me, trying to focus.

I'm too tired and hurt too fucking much.

On a whim I ask myself why I go through all of this when the outcome has me so worn down and forgetting why I'm still alive. On the same beat I then I try to picture my life without those few precious stolen moments and the pain in my chest increases.

Damned if I do, just as greatly damned if I don't.

Gingerly I pick myself up to pad crookedly to the joint bathroom and much needed relief. I wince again at the stinging sensation running through, across and around my tender flesh.

He'd made me come too much tonight, He'd been too rough, too demanding.

Still I couldn't imagine it any other way.

I listen for a few moments as The Song comes to an instrumental bridge.
Leaning against the cool tiled wall of my bathroom my eyes move listlessly around the room.

The shower where He pinned down my wrists and fuck me in such a rough rhythm compared to the gentle beating of the water.

The counter top where He balanced me perfectly against his body. The only place He'd
ever cried out my name.

The mirror I try not to look into anymore. The hollowness of my eyes, the smile paled in comparison from the radiance I remember it. Things that make me more depressed than I can handle.

Eventually my sight settles on an innocent razor and beside it a gold chain.

He probably left them in his haste to leave my apartment. I smile as I pick up the chain. Reaching into a slightly open drawer I pull out a battered cross, loop it onto the metal and clasp it around my neck. The cool relic fits perfectly into the place it had lain for so many years. A sick sense of realization hits me that something so small could mean so much to me and obviously so little to Him.

Suddenly, everything settles in my mind with such a rushing finality my breath stills.

This is how it will always be: Him rushing to leave me behind and me caught inside the things He leaves with me. In too deep to ever dig myself out again.

This is my life...that is, until He decides to leave one day and never come back. Never look to see me floundering to survive. Then...then the last thing in my life I pull myself together for will be lost. Each crack, each tear, each hastily thrown together facade will crumble and the tears will eventually consume what I've become, washing me away, leaving nothing behind to mark the spot where I first and last loved and lost.

I pick the razor up between my fingers and watch detached as it easily comes apart in my shocked grasp. It happens so fast the first thick bead of blood doesn't even hit the ground before I finally let go of the blade.

I'd cut deep.

A mockery manifestation of the place He'd cut into my heart. And like that wound, this one will bring as everlasting a scar on my life as He has made.

I walk hazily back to the bed, my head feeling as light and foggy as the first time He had kissed me.

I smile at the memory.

I remember so intensely how He'd tasted of every sweet thing I'd ever consumed. How I'd wanted to devour Him till the planets collided and Armageddon threatened and still I'd have devoured Him until Hell had to pry me from His lips.

I lay myself as gently as I can on my mattress and let the moonlight look it's fill upon me for the last time. I feel it kiss me in such a soothing manner I'm not sure if my eyes close because of it or because I've become so tired. Reaching down to wrap my braid around my blood soaked fingers I pull both hands to my chest. Liquid warmth spills out and covers the skin stretched tight over my racing heart.

I'm too drowsy to be surprised when hot tears leak down, wetting my lashes, soothing against my pounding temples, running wetly into my hair.

I smile.

As I feel the fluttering of my heart beginning to slow I wonder, in what I know to be my last thoughts, if perhaps Heero can love me in Hell.

If I build a wall

A hundred feet tall

Would that keep you in?

~Heero P.O.V.~

The moon reflects a thousand colors in the tears falling from my eyes, a man who feels at the moment only a lost boy running crazily around in the maze of his mind.

I feel myself flying in a million pieces. Every one splintering and falling back down to stick hotly in my skin.

I'd left Duo's bedroom and only made it as far as the sofa where I'd collapsed and proceeded to cry in silent anguish.

Every day is the same.

I wake up cold and alone, go to the monotony of work, be bored to death, only truly feeling when lost in thoughts of Him. I almost run from the building to my car to drive as quickly as I can manage to the only place I've ever felt alive in. Impatiently make my way up and up; descending as if to an Angel and almost smile when I can finally look upon the face of said Angel. Each time I'm aware my heart looses itself a little more into those eyes, a vibrancy that holds such a kind glance I like to believe is meant only for me.

I can barely contain myself before bringing that Angel to bed and loose myself in its beauty, its unmatched grace. To feel it yield to me in a way I know I am unworthy of.

Of course I am unworthy of it, look at how I treated this precious gift given to me by the heavens. I've managed to hurt the only person I care for more than life itself.

Tonight I'd finally understood that...tonight had been different.

Not in any ways telling to the naked eye, but I'd felt it. The man under me had been so distant while still giving, so sad and yet had let me take whatever I wanted.

Afterwards I felt dirty, like I'd had just taken something that while freely given, had not been mine to touch.

I've wanted so much to tell the man how much I care, how deeply I've fallen, how every time I get up to leave His side I have to physically force myself to keep walking.

From the beginning it was this overtaking of self control that scared me the most.

What if I fell into a place alone only to not have the strength to pull myself back out, to be left there to die without Him?

My fear of Duo not able to return my feelings won out in the end. And so I'd put up that protective barrier: never holding for too long, never staying afterwards when I could feel my wall of safety crumble in the afterglow, never letting my side of the conversation become intimate. This was the only way I could see my secrets being kept safely in my heart.

All I could do was listen and in turn learned so much about the other man in the short times we were together, but kept my joy hidden. Only a few times did I let myself show any affection.

Duo's birthday had been one of the last.

I'd argued and talked myself in and out of the idea, but in the end I'd bought Duo a present.

A simple golden chain.

Duo's had broken during the last battles and though he had found the cross in his laundry hamper had never put it back together.

I never got the chance to give him the gift.

I'd been nervous as hell going to Duo's, not sure what the other man would think of the gesture. By the time I'd gotten up the nerve to go into the apartment I was almost in a panic. Then, Duo hadn't been there. The adrenaline racing in my system had quickly turned to anger. I'd yelled at Duo the second he got in, flushed and looking happy and sated. Then...

Then Duo had said he loved me. Had used those precious words I longed to hear falling from those lips...had used them to mock me, to hurt me. Blinking I'd felt tears coming and so I'd run.

After I left that night jealousy and anger...a feeling of helplessness grew inside me all through the next day till I got back to His apartment. I couldn't articulate the storm inside me, not even sure of the words and so I'd let my body speak for me. I'd taken all my feeling and frustration out on that delicate body and still Duo let me come back.

I understood then, the easiest way to save myself the pain was to put the distance between us, but I hadn�t the heart to leave entirely. As long as my Angel wanted my body I�d come back for that small light of heaven and bask in its splendor.

But I could feel it, I�d gotten too close, not looked where I was going and lost my footing.

It was tonight.

Tonight with the candles, the food and wine I couldn�t even remember telling Duo were my favorite. It was then when I�d thought....thought surely as I took my love to bed that I could open my heart just a little and let out the burning inside me.

But when I allowed a little bit of my love to show, more pushed through and even more still to the point I�d become frightened of the overwhelming sensations.

Afterwards I�d been scared enough to try and treat That Night like any other and it had broken me inside. Closing off my heart proved to be a task not able to be accomplished with Duo�s eyes on me.

So I had left, promising to never return, the pain was too great.

Why then, am I here? Why did I leave the gold chain for Duo in the bathroom? Why can�t I just tell the man how I feel? It is these questions that keeps me in the shadowed living room, praying the answers will crawl from the dark and dance in front of me in the moonlight.

�

I watched Duo dancing one time. I�d been so curious I hadn�t let the man notice my presence in the shadows, wishing only to watch while the other thought himself alone out on the back porch.

Duo�s hair had been free, waving like liquid chocolate in the cool night air coming off of the bay outside. There was only a sheet tied in a Toga fashion around his shoulder. He had been swaying reed-like to soft lulling music pouring out of the restaurant next door; beautiful piano chords marinating with the husky voice of a woman. The moonlight and shadows danced with him, casting him in luminous light while showing the depths of his beauty.

I�d been entrapped in the display of pure joy before me and it had led to another night of firsts.

It had been the first time we made love.

Before, it had been hands, mouths and skin between us. But that night the voyeur had wanted a closer connection to the swaying creature and I had been allowed inside paradise.

I suddenly listen to the silence for the first time and hear not only the music of the night outside, but also the soft lilting beginnings of a song.

A song I knew desperately well.

If I build a wall

A hundred feet tall

Would that keep you in?

If I shackled your feet

So you couldn�t leave

Would you try and run?

I stand, a slight smile gracing my still dazed features and red stained eyes. Making my way out of the dark room I shakily walk the length of the hall, stopping at the door I know better than my own, listening with all my being.

If I promised not to fight

At least not tonight

Would you stay for the night?

If I wore that little dress

That you like the best

Would you pass my test?

Would you stay?

Would you stay with me?

Would you stay?

Stay with me?

If I poured another drink

What would you think

About staying in?

If I was sincere

And whispered my fears

Would you still be here?

I lean my head on the door frame as more tears slip down.

A new memory comes to the front of my mind, something I had taken in but not acknowledged until this point.

Tonight along with the dinner, the wine, the candles, had been a song�a song turned so soft I�d passed it off as insignificant. A song I heard for the first time the night I�d given my virginity to Duo as he danced.

Would you stay?

Would you stay with me?

Would you stay ?

Would you stay with me?

With me.

Would you Stay?

Would you stay with me?

Would you stay?

Would you stay with me?

With me.
I squeeze my eyes shut tighter. How could I have been so blind all of this time?

It had lain there, waiting for me to take its offer, an offer that would stand forever and this whole time I�d thought myself the victim. Too scared of my erratic feelings to see there was nothing to be frightened of; I�d been scared of my own shadow.

This realization dazes me to the point I�m left standing for stretching heartbeats, listening to the end of The Song.

If I build a wall

A hundred feet tall

Would that keep you in?

I smile once again, leaning back to stand straight and raise a shaking hand to knock lightly against the soft wood.

� Duo, its me. It�s Heero. Can I come in?� Everything is going to be better now, no more secrets, no more fear and no more regrets. I�m finally going to live my life and Duo is going to be in it, is going to be all of it.

� Duo please, I need to talk to you.�

I�m finally going to be able to do the one thing I�d longed to above all others; wake up to Duo�s gentle heartbeat against my bare flesh.

If Duo lets me in.

�Duo I know you�re upset, but please I need to tell you something.�

Silence.

I knit my eyebrows together. I can finally express my love and Duo is ignoring me! Well, this is too important. I reach down to turn the cool metal knob and an irrational fear sweeps a chill over me. The palm of my hand, suddenly covered in a thin layer of cool sweat makes my hand slip as I push open the door to peer into the deathly stillness of the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A quavering voice reaches out through the thick silence,
"Duo?"

Only the shadows and the moonlight are left to hear it.

If I build a wall

A hundred feet tall

Would that keep you in?

If I shackled your feet

So you couldn�t leave

Would you try and run?

If I promised not to fight

At least not tonight

Would you stay the night?

If I wore that little dress

That you like the best

Would you pass my test?

Would you stay?

Would you stay with me

Would you stay

Would you stay with me?

If I poured another drink

What would you think

About staying in?

If I was sincere

And whispered my fears

Would you still be here?

Would you stay?

Would you stay with me?

Would you stay?

Would you stay with me?

With me.

Would you stay?

Would you stay with me?

Would you stay?

Would you stay with me?

If I built a wall

A hundred feet tall

Would that keep you in?
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Moonlight and Shadows