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Unforseable changes	By : wordsmith Category: Gundam Wing/AC > General Views: 1089 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Unforseable changes
- 1
Title: Unforeseeable Changes
Author: wordsmith
Category: slightly AU
Warnings: OOC, some Duo torture, some emotional Heero and Trowa torture. Anything I can think of basically.
Rating: pg-13 to NC-17, depending which part.
Pairings: Wait and see children, wait and see!
Archives: Lady Firen's Archive Shades of Colour
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the storyline, and even then I'm not too sure about it. All I own is my dog! Please don't sue me!

Prologue

"I have a mission tomorrow." I said to Heero as I logged off of his laptop. I swear, he was waaay to possessive of that thing. After I had lost my own, due to circumstances *entirely* beyond my control, it had taken my hours of begging and pleading to get him to let my use his. And then I could only use it for fifteen minutes at a time, while he was in the room. "You can have your little sex toy back now" I added, getting up and stretching.
I had started calling Heero's laptop his sex toy when it occurred to me that he gained as much pleasure from using it as most people gained when having sex. It annoyed the hell out of him. Or it used to until he started getting some, then it didn't bother him that much at all.
"Good" was the reply I got. Suddenly, I was enfolded in a steel like embrace as Heero pulled me against him. "Come here sex toy." I looked at him, stunned. Had Heero just said what I thought he just said? Even though it had been voiced in his usual monotone, with only a hint of husky lust tainting it, Heero had just made a joke.
"What?" He asked me, slightly nervous.
"You just made a joke, a *dirty* joke!" He looked at me as I stared at him in astonishment. He was nervous as to how I'd react, I could tell, even though to most people he would look exactly the same as he always did. Just as his hands loosened from around my waist, I threw myself at him, clutching him and grinning hugely. Heero's arms tightened around me once again as I showed my approval of this break of perfect soldier mode.
I had been trying to get Heero to lighten up and show more emotion ever since we had become lovers a few months before. Well actually, it had started long before that, but I had intensified my efforts after I had gotten into his bed, and hopefully his heart.
"So what are you going to do about it?" Heero asked me, one eyebrow raised in teasing question. My grin got wider as this new teasing attitude of Heero's came out. I pushed him back on the bad, smiling down at him.
"Well, I think a reward is in order, don't you?" I had to leave for a mission tomorrow, and just in case I didn't come back, I wanted to die with a smile on my face.

_.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

I watched him as he walked across the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. He moved with all the ease and grace of the lions he trained.
Trowa's beauty was mesmerizing.
His perfect face was unblemished, and looked like it would be smooth and silken to the touch. Trowa's eyes were forest green and so deep that you could get lost in them and never want to get out. The long bangs of honey sable hair that cascaded down his face, concealing half of it, gave him an air of mystery. His tall, lean frame housed a stunning array of taught muscles. He was not as ethereal as Duo. His build was slender, but not as slender as Duo's, and he was taller. Trowa's was the body of an acrobat, not of a stealthy thief. Yet Trowa's beauty was still surreal and haunting.
I sighed inaudibly as he made his way over to the table to finish his coffee. Duo and I shared an attraction for the tall, silent boy. Even though I loved the braided pilot, I still felt an undeniably strong pull towards Trowa. I had felt ashamed when I realised I was attracted to someone else while being Duo's lover, but when I had confessed my mixed feelings to Duo, (actually, he dragged it out of me by tying me to the bed and doing very unspeakable things until I confessed) he had told me that he felt the same.
I had felt a sense of elation at that. It meant that the feelings I had finally started to feel were not abnormal. Since that night, Duo and I had discussed our mutual like for Trowa and how we might possibly get him into a situation where we could find out if our feelings were returned. For a while there, it looked like he and Quatre were having a thing, but then Wufei and Quatre had paired up, and that theory went down the drain.
Duo and I had decided to do something about it as soon as Duo got back from his mission. However, I saw no problems with trying to persuade Trowa to admit if he had feelings for me and/or Duo while Duo was not here.
Duo wouldn't mind, right?

_.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

I sat down with my mug of coffee and tried desperately not to stare at Heero. Quatre and Wufei were still out on their respective missions, and wouldn't be back for a while as afterwards they were going to Quatre's home in the desert for some 'rest and recuperation'. Sure, 'rest'. Duo had left a little over an hour ago, and now I was totally alone with Heero for at least a week if everything with Duo's mission went to plan.
Totally alone with a boy who could have walked straight out of my wettest dreams, hand in had with Duo of course. I know it was wrong of me to want what I couldn't have, but Duo and Heero were so beautiful!
Instead of remaining apart when they were together like other couples did, they blended with each other. Each movement and action was done with regard to what the other person was doing. It sometimes looked like an especially well thought out dace. For example, in the mornings: Heero would put the coffee on, then start pouring cereal. Duo would get out the milk and put it on the table by Heero, then pour the coffee for both of them. Heero would pour on the milk and put it back in the fridge while Duo bought the coffee to the table, grabbing some spoons on the way. Then they would sit down and eat, together, at the exact same time! It was amazing! It was also one of the reasons why I had neve made my feelings for them known. I could never break apart that type of balance.
There was no place for me in their relationship, so I silently waited in the background, just in case. It was a foolish hope to maintain, but I couldn't help it. I just wanted them both so badly! I knew that if one of them asked me, I would betray their partner's trust by having an affair with them.
And because I could not say to no to either of them if they asked, I had to keep myself distanced from them. Their life had no place for me in a romantic capacity.

Part 1

I opened my eyes slowly and saw a bright white ceiling. Faces leaned over me, blurring so that I could not determine their features.
A needle swam into my vision, a viscous green substance spurting from the tip. It left my line of sight. I was too dizzy to follow its path. I felt horrendous, excruciating pain rip through me and I passed out.

_.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

I gazed into the deep pools of forest green as I bought our mouths together, savouring the feel of his soft lips against mine. He broke it hurriedly.
"Heero, we can't! Duo-"
"Feels exactly the same about you as I do" I said, cutting of his flow of words, placing my hand on the back of his head and bringing our mouths together once more. Trowa moaned and melted against me. I felt the feel of his hair beneath my fingers, breathed the scent of him, and tasted him as I slipped my tongue inside his warm mouth.

_.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

I woke up a dozen more times after the first. Always I was greeted with dazzling white. Always I was met with the sight of a needle. Always I was sucked into blackness by waves of overwhelming pain.
Then, after what felt like an eternity, (later I would find out it had been a week) I woke up with a clear head.

_.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

Part 1 - Something happens to Duo

I opened my eyes slowly and saw a bright white ceiling. Faces leaned over me, blurring so that I could not determine their features.
A needle swam into my vision, a viscious green substance spurting from the tip. It left my line of sight. I was too dizzy to follow its path. I felt horrendous, excrutiating pain rip through me and I passed out.

_.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

I gazed into the deep pools of forest green as I bought our mouths together, savouring the feel of his soft lips against mine. He broke it hurriedly.
"Heero, we can't! Duo-"
"Feels exactly the same about you as I do" I said, cutting of his flow of words, placing my hand on the back of his head and bringing our mouths together once more. Trowa moaned and melted against me. I felt the feel of his hair beneath my fingers, breathed in the erotic scent of him, and tasted the honeyed warmth of him as I slipped my tongue inside his mouth.

_.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

I watched Heero as he moved above me, feeling sharp sensations of extasy shooting through me as he filled me. He had told me that both he and Duo had long felt an attraction for me, and I had finally let myself believe him.
My belief would be tested soon, as a week had passed and Duo was due back at any time now. I desperately wanted Duo to feel the same as Heero did, and as I felt about the both of them. However, an insiduous little voice inside my head was telling me that I could never be worthy of one, let alone both, of the sexy pilots.

_.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

I woke up a dozen more times after the first. Always I was greeted with dazzling white. Always I was met with the sight of a needle containing the same vile fluid. Always I was sucked into blackness by waves of overwhelming pain.
Then, after what felt like an eternity, (later I would find out it had been a week) I woke up to just a white ceiling. I waited for a while, but nothing else appeared before me, and I deemed it safe to start trying to figure out where the hell I was.

_.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

I was troubled now, and could not conceal it. Two weeks had passed, and Duo was still not home. I had expected him home after one and a half weeks at the most, so what was taking him so long?
I sighed and looked at the front door again. When would he be back? I looked down at where Trowa lay against me on the couch. He had fallen alseep after we had given in to our hormones yet again. This gave me the freedom to worry as I saw fit.
Duo wouldn't mind that we went ahead without him, would he?

_.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

I looked at Heero through my mostly closed eyes, feigning sleep. He was worried about Duo, and needed some thinking time, even if he did want to be with me. Truthfully, I was worried about Duo myself. What if he had been captured, or worse, while we had been...fucking each other stupid, I believe would be the correct terminology.
I close my eyes fully and let my thoughts about Duo's reaction to me and Heero run rampant. Would he really be pleased, like Heero had said? Or would he go ballistic? I hoped for the former, but feared it would be the latter.

_.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

My vision was blurry, and pain raced through my system at every step, but I still could make out several figures behind a large window set into the wall of the otherwise featureless room.
They were staring at me, and looked like they were writing something down on clipboards. I searched the room with my fuzzy vision once again, but could find no way out. I started to get mad. Who did those assholes think they were? They could not contain the great shinigami! Red clouded my vision, and something within me shifted. Something that I had never felt before. That had never been *there* before! This made me even angrier.
How *DARE* they violate my body!
I felt my body convulse and something new and different broke free within me. The feeling of pain doubled as it radiated through me when my body started to break apart and then reform into something else. Something with black fur and long, sharp retractable claws, I noted as I looked down at myself. It was hard to see anything else because I was now on all fours, and my vision was still cloudy. I felt around my mouth with my tongue and noted the presence of many long, sharp teeth.
What had I become? I thought with horror.
I looked towards the figures, who I could now see wore white lab coats, and felt my anger, momentarily wiped out by horror, come back magnified. Suddenly, I wanted to rip out there throats. To shred them completely and rend them limb from limb. With this aim in mind, I launched myself at the glass window.
Later I couldn't exactly remember what happened, the only clear memory being the sight of a giant black panther reflecting in the glass window as I launched myself at it, and the thought that the panther was me. The result of the numerous drugs circulating through my system. Unbeknownst to me, the scientists had given me a many and varied range of injections, and my body wasn't functioning too well. This was coupled by the fact that something strange was happening to my body, something I couldnt control. Plus I was bloody pissed off! All those things mixed together made my escape from the lab a blurred mass of white halls punctuated only by the bodies of the people I killed falling away behind me in large, spreading pools of blood.
I do remember snapping back to some semblance of complete consciousness in the forest that surrounded the compound. I was naked, cold and lying against a tree. It was near dawn, and I guessed most of what I remembered of my escape must have happened at night. I lay underneath the huge, sheltering oak for a few minutes, trying to get my bearings. Then I heard the thupping noise of helicopter blades and shrank back instinctively against the rough trunk. An army-style helicopter flew over head with a very powerfull searchlight attached to it.
They were looking for me.
I knew that as surely as I knew my own name. Soon they would come out with dogs and heat seekers. I heard a snapping twig to my right and knew that a foot search was already underway. I had to get out of there while it was still dark.
I climbed up the tree, knowing that people seldom looked above themselves when searching for things. My plan was to go from tree to tree as silently and as efficiently as possible. This would hopefully throw off any ground people and sniffer dogs they had handy. Also, the cover of the trees would sheild me from the harsh glare of the search light. It wouldn't do much to stop the heat seeking technology from finding me, but hopefully they wouldn't have any.
The last was a desperate hope, but it was all I had left. I ran from banch to branch, scrambling at times when I lost my footing. I would not let those bastards catch me again! If only I had Shinigami here I could blow them all to hell! I hadn't been able to take him on this mission because it was supposed to have been simple. So I had grabbed a motorcycle and rode my way over. Then I rembered something. Something that would hopefully save my ass. The detenator for all the explosives I'd set was still on the bike. If I could find the bike again, that was. I looked up at the night sky, knowing I could use the configuration of the stars to guide me. I then turned slightly to my left and headed in the direction where I hoped my bike was.
I lost myself in the rythm of swinging from branch to branch. Then, just as the light of dawn rose over the horizon, I saw my bike. It was hidden in the bush a couple of hundred metres off the road, but I could still see it from above. I made a mental note to myself to cover the top of the bike in future. I didn't want it to get discovered, just in case.
I dropped to the ground and dove into the bushes, searching frantically for the detenator. I finally found it, and pushed down the button, hard. I heard the explosion at the same time I heard another helicopter approaching my spot. The helicopter seemed to hesitate for a moment before flying back towards base. I smiled to myself.
Everything was back on track.

Part 2 - Learning control

I didn't have much time. The explosion would only keep them busy for a couple of hours. By then, I hoped to be as far away from here as possible. I quickly pulled out a spare set of clothes. They were not my usual priest outfit. Instead, it was a nice leather ensemble that fit with the whole concept of riding. Snug black leather pants, (unfortunately, I'd forgotten to pack a spare pair of boxer shorts) followed by a tight black T-shirt, and topped off by a nice, thick leather jacket. I looked good, felt warm, and was ready to ride. What could be better?
I wheeled the bike over to the road and got on it, then sped off in the direction of our current safe house. I was doing around 130 mph, but I didn't care. The need to get away drove me onwards, towards the house that was two days away if you stopped overnight. After about 3 hours, I saw a motel coming up on my right. I stopped and got myself a room. The clerk didn't even look up as he handed me the keys, and therefore didn't notice my unusual appearance. I took the keys and moved to the room that was mine. There were a few things I had to work out before I got back home.
I took with me the new lap top that I hd bought on the way to the OZ lab. I couldn't go on using Heero's and I had needed to do some checking before I finished the mission. I plugged it in to the wall socket and logged onto it. I had to contact Professor G to find out what the hell had happened to me and what I could do about it. I looked at the date and stopped on shock for a moment. I had been away from the house for 10 days. It had taken me 2 to get to the base and another 1 for monitoring. That meant I had been there for a week.
I accessed the chat room that Prof.G and I most used. It was called the 'leather lounge'. It was the safest chat room we could think of. Now, if only he were there.
Tie-me-up-babe: Hello? Pussy-whipper?
Pussy-whipper: Hello Babe, how's it goin'?
T-M-U-B: Wanna private chat? I gotta little sumthin' for ya!
P-W: Sure thing Babe.
-----Transfer to a private room-----

P-W: So what's up?
T-M-U-B: I went to my b/f's house and his parents caught me fucking him.
P-W: Nasty! So what happened?
T-M-U-B: I was grounded for a week, but I snuck out earlier tonight. It wouldn't have been so bad except that I was dressed in a kind of panther type out-fit that my boyfriend had given me. I can't really work out how to get it on and off yet and it's really, really hot, but it makes him horny.
P-W: Poor you! Maybe you should come over to my place later, and I could cheer you up. Try practising getting into and out of the suit, even if it is hot.
T-M-U-B: Sure thing baby!

Professor G and I had worked out a little code. OZ was my boyfriend, and his perants was luck. If they caught me, it meant I'd had bad luck. If they didn't, I'd had good luck and hadn't been detected. Being grounded meant that I'd been captured and sneaking out meant that I'd gotten out myself. If my boyfriend had snuck in, it meant I'd been interrogated. The suit was a code for my knew mutation, and it being hot meant that it was very painful to do.
We had codes for almost everything. Prof.G, unlike some professors, was pretty okay. We were actually friends. He could be a little unfeeling sometimes, but he was generally a fair person. He had monitored my training very closey, and when those "assistants" had tried to prepare me for other "interrogation techniques", he had come down on them so hard. Even though I'd made a living by being a prostitute as well as theif, I'd had enough of that type of man-handling treatment. And even though I'd *been* a prostitute, Prof.G had stopped them from raping me. That had endeared the old man to me afterwards.
I logged off and unplugged my laptop. I had to get over to where Prof.G was momentarily staying as soon as possible. Sleep was for the weak anyway.
But first, I had to work on getting into and out of my "panther type out-fit". I gathered my laptop and tied it securely to me bike once again. Then I walked back into the sheltering forest that the road had continued to wind through all the way here. It looked to go on for many more miles as well.
A hundren yards into the trees, I deemed it safe enough to try to change into my form, and stripped off all my clothes (This was my last set of clothes and didn't know what a mutation would do to them). I searched for what I had felt before. If I could recreate the sensation of something breaking, of something coming loose inside me, then I could change into the panther.
I tried to remember what I had felt just before that intense feeling. Rage, anger and outrage. I focused within myself, trying to trigger the change by synthesizing the rage again. I started to get angry, not for a reason, just angry. I felt the aimless rage build up within me, and then I felt the "click" of something breaking loose. I stopped myself there, and looked down to see if anything had changed. I now had a layer of black, velvet like fur covering me entire body. My hands were basically the same, except for rough patches of paw-pad like skin on the underneath of them, and sharp, thin retractable claws instead of nails. The bottom of my feet also had paw-pads and claws.
I felt my face. My hair was still there, and my face was smooth, the fur petering out around the neck. I had gained several long whiskers and my ears were now round, panther on-the-top-of-my-head type things. Something strange was attached to my ass. I could feel muscles that I never knew I had flex, and I felt the fallen autumn leaves brush some part of me. Something I'd never had before. I looked behind me and saw that I had a tail! An honest to God tail! It was long and black and had a clubbed end, just like a panther's tail. I swished it around experimentally, delighted with this new developement. It was kinda cute, if I do say so myself.
I stopped and took in my surroundings, noting the enhancement of sound and sight. My sight was now sharper, clearer, but had a tendency to focus on anything that moved quickly. My vision wasn't totally black and white, but a kind of washed out colour. Nothing was vibrant or lustrous like I was used to seeing. It wasn't a bad way of viewing things, just different.
So far, there hadn't been any pain. Just a tingling sensation all over, as if I had pulled on a suit that was slightly static. I concentrated again, and pushed the rage further, concentrating on that broken feeling. Pain assaulted me, but I continued. I felt my bones melt, splinter and reform. My joints twisted and bent in new ways and my insides shifted around. The whole process was done noiselessly, but it still seemed as if there was a crunching, grinding sound happening in the back of my mind. I kept going, kept pushing, until the pain overwhelmed my self induced rage and I had to let go. Once again I was merely a naked man in a forest. Only now, I was lying on my side momentarily winded. The backwards shift had happened so fast that I had not been able to pause in my man-beast shape.
I got up shakily and tried again. Getting to the man-beast part was easier this time. I knew what I was looking for and it was actually quite comfortable. It also gave me senses an unatural boost that I was already getting addicted to. No one would be able to sneak up on me again.
This time, however, I did not get as far into the over all mutation as I had last time. I think I was too emotionally and physically exhausted to successfully overcome the pain. After all, I had been running on adreneline for the last five or so hours. Longer if you took into account the time I spent in panther form.
I decided that enough was enough for the time being. I would spend the rest of the day getting to the professor's hideout.
Part 3 -Revelations

I looked at the professor from where I sat perched upon the bed. After giving him some blood on arrival, I had had a twelve hour sleep with only around 8 of them being spent in a constant state of fear and nightmares, my body racked by an mildly uncomfortable, twisting pain. So I wasn't rested much, but at least I'd gotten something.
Anyway, while I had been asleep, Professor G had been running tests on my blood sample. Apparently those OZ bastards had spliced my DNA with that of a panther, and now my body was dealing with the change. That was why it had been uncomfortable last night. While my body was recuperating from the day and had nothing else to do, it was remaking itself.
"Your body is going to go through a lot of changes in the near future Duo." Professor G explained to me. "The pain at night is going to get more and more intense as the changing progresses. Eventually, it will stop completely, and then you'll know that your body has finished adjusting. In the mean time, you're just going to have to grin and bear it. Also, changing completely into your panther form hurts because your body hasn't remade itself enough to fit into the shape comfortably. The only way you're going to be able to mutate is to feel emotions so intense that it will break through your pain barriers, and then you'll change, regardless of whether you want to or not. And when you do change Duo, it's not going to be pretty. Breaking through the pain barrier doesn't mean that you won't actually *feel* the pain. In your animal form, you'll be completely focused on getting rid of the source of the pain, and that means anything in your near vacinity. Even if it's inanimate, even if it's your soul mate, even if it's your gundam, you'll attack it with the intent to kill. I don't know that for sure of course, but it's a pretty good certainty judging by what you told me of your escape." I stared at G, thinking frantically. No intense emotions? Was it just anger, or was it other things I had to watch out for? All that I could think of at the moment was how intense I felt when Heero was around. How intense my love for him was when I focused on it. Would these things trigger a change? And if they did, what would happen to Heero? It was then that the thought of Heero dying because I loved him too intensely was planted. I couldn't bear it if I killed Heero. If I lost control and hurt him in anyway, I could never forgive myself. This thought persued me all through the conversation, never letting my mind stray from it.
"From what I can tell from this new DNA, the panther you were spliced with, I still have no idea how it was done, was a genetically modified individual already. It would be approximately twice the size, and perhaps three times the muscle mass, of a normal panther. Also, the coat is much more water resistant and the eyesight and hearing ability has been increased. This won't make much of a difference when battling in your Gundam, but during infiltration missions, it should increase your advantage. Especially if you can maintain the half and half-"
"Man-beast" I interrupted absently, still thinking about the emotion intensity thing.
"What?" Asked Professor G, momentarily confused.
"The half and half state." I explained. "I call it 'man-beast' because that's what it feels like." Prof.G nodded and continued where he had left off.
"If you can maintain the man-beast state for long periods of time, it would give you an immense advantage during the mission. Faster, stronger, quicker, more alert." He shook his head wonderingly, "There's no end to what you could do. Missions that had previously been considered suicidal could now be successfully acheived. In order to do this, you'll have to spend as much time in your man-beast form as possible. I'm ordering you not to tell anyone what happened to you as I believe you had been expected. Those scientists knew you were coming Duo, and they had been prepared. I want all your future activities to be as confidential as possible, and nobody is to know what happened. You will only recieve missions from me, and they will all be solo if possible. I want an update of your condition every day. You are now 3 days away from the current safe house, allowing for overnight rests. You'll have to leave straight away to get back as soon as possible. If all goes well on the return trip, you should be home by the end of the week which means you'll have only been gone for two weeks. I shall be concentrating all my efforts on finding out more about your mutation. For instance, is this reversable? If it is would you like to change back? Give me a few weeks to see if I can duplicate what they gave you, we'll see if I can find a cure, and we can gain more knowledge about what exactly OZ was trying to acheive.
"Until we know more, you will do only three things: Tell no-one what happened, practice your man-beast, and complete any missions given to you." With that, he turned and left the room. I pulled on a new priest's outfit (provided so as not to arouse suspicion), and headed towards the door. I had a lot to think about before I reached home.
Mostly, what was I going to do about Heero? I knew I had a problem. If what J said was true, and I had no reason to doubt him, I would destroy anything in range if I broke through my pain barrier and transformed. And he said I would break through it when I felt "intense emotions". I knew what I felt for and around Heero was incredibly intense, but were they intense enough to break through the barrier?
Even if they weren't intense enough, could I risk it? Could I put Heero in that much danger just so I could snatch a few more moments of happiness? Was I really that spoilt and selfish? If I could even contemplate putting him in that type of danger, even if that danger was false, then I didn't really love him. Whatever else happened in my life, whatever else I did, one truth would always remain. I loved Heero with my entire being. I loved him so much that I was not willing to cause him pain. So I had to let him go.
My mind froze momentarily at the conclusion I had come to, rolling the thought around my head in much the same way you roll wine around your mouth before you spit it back out. I decided I didn't like the idea. Not one little bit. Who was I kidding? The very thought of living without Heero ripped my heart from my chest. I needed him, needed him so badly that I could barely breathe when I thought of leaving him. Needed him like I needed water, air, pizza! But the feeling I had thinking bout him being dead was worse. That was just one more reason to end it with Heero.
One problem remained (aside from the fact that I would never feel whole again): How was I going to break up with Heero without him being suspicious? The feelings he caused me to have were so intense that I completely lost control. I couldn't lose control now that my body was changing in such a way that I had only the barest hold over it. I had heard what the Prof had said my state of mind upon breaking the pain barrier and changing would be, and I could not bear to hurt Heero. That left me with only one choice.
I had to leave him. I had to leave Heero forever. It would be the only way to save him.

Part 4a-Saving Lives

I was troubled now, and could not conceal it. Two weeks had passed, and Duo was still not home. I had expected him home after one and a half weeks at the most, so what was taking him so long?
I sighed and looked at the front door again. When would he be back? I looked down at where Trowa lay against me on the couch. He had fallen alseep after we had given in to our hormones yet again. This gave me the freedom to worry as I saw fit.
Duo wouldn't mind that we went ahead without him, would he?
I looked down at my new lover. His eyes were closed, his breathing regular and one side of his face was hidden beneath his long bangs. I pushed aside the mass of sable hair and gazed into his face. His eyelids fluttered slightly and I knew he wasn't asleep, and I loved the way he was letting me grab some thinking time in such a considerate manner. It was getting dark outside, and we should really make a start on dinner.
"Shall we start on dinner?" I asked him, stroking his bare shoulder.
"Hmmmm?" He mumbled sleepily.
"Dinner." I gently prodded, knowing that he had heard me the first time. Sometimes, when I was around either of my lovers, I had no idea how to act. It had only been by observing the way others behaved that I'd learned how to express any of my emotions at all. I used to have a barrier around my emotions, a barrier that sheilded me from feeling, but Duo had broken through that long ago. Now, without that barrier, I was vulnerable, and sometimes that scared me witless. Every other time I had become vulnerable, I had been made to deeply regret it. Nothing ever good had come of being open until I had met Duo. I was suprised not only by how much he gave, but by how much I wanted to give when I was around him. He completed me, pure and simple. But if Duo was a piece of my soul, then Trowa would be the third and last piece. I hadn't realised that I felt so strongly about the banged pilot before these last couple of weeks. Now that I knew how sweet it was to be loved by Trowa, I could never give him up. I couldn't give up Duo either, but I wouldn't have to because Duo would be okay with it. Right?
I sighed as Trowa started to move, pushing his upper torso off mine, and just looking down at me for an endless moment. I gazed back up at him, allowing myself to drown in those green depths. He leaned in closer and our mouths met once more, warmth coursing through my body.
Then the door opened.
We broke the kiss hurriedly, looking up to see Duo in the doorway. Trowa and I both froze with shock. Duo looked at us sprawled on the couch, his face also showing shock. Then he turned his face away, hiding his emotions. When he turned back, his face was completely blank, as if he had borrowed the mask I generally wore. The lack of his broad, trademark grin sent pangs of apprehension shooting through me. He would be ok with this, right?
He looked at us for another moment and then walked silently and swiftly up to his room, closing the door softly behind him. I looked at Trowa, shock and the first stirrings of fear settling over my face.
As one we jumped off the couch and scrambled frantically into our clothes. I had less to put on than he did (not wearing underwear had it's advantages), so I was the one who got up the stairs first. I reached Duo's door and opened it hesitantly, not sure what I would find.
Why wasn't Duo OK with this?

_.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

I got to the safehouse and opened the door, still wondering what I could tell Heero to make him undersatand that I couldn't see him again. Anything to do with the real reason would not do, as Heero would stubbornly insist on helping me through the ordeal. He would not believe that I could hurt him, and so he would try and be near me at night, when the pain came. What if I changed and killed him? I couldn't let that happen. It was better that he be alive and unattainable than dead. I knew that if I broke up with him now, it would have to be permanent, otherwise he might come into my room one night and then discover the *real* reason I had broken up with him. And I've already explained that that would not be good. So, what possible reason could I have for breaking up with Heero permenantly?
That's when I saw Heero and Trowa. They were a naked, sweaty, tangled mass of limbs sprawled over the couch. I stared at them, shocked thoughtless let alone speechless! Then my mind started working again and I turned my face away as thoughts flashed through my head. The first one was: 'This is the most erotic sight I have ever seen. Do you think Trowa would mind if I asked to join in?'. The next thought was: 'Are you a fool? This is the perfect opportunity to break up with Heero.' Then the next thought after that was: 'At least you have a great last memory.'
I didn't know quite how to react to the situation yet. Anger? Bitterness? Regret? Should I throw something at them? Then I thought that to show them I was really upset, I should act as un-like-myself as possible. So I replaced my cheerful mask (oh yes, it was a mask. You try living through what I have and see if you still feel jovial!) with one of carefull non-expression. Living around Heero and Trowa for so long, I had seen a non-expression enough to imitate one.
Then I turned my face back to them so that they could see my carefully placed non-expression, and I walked silently passed them to my room. Silence was another thing I did not normally indulge in, and so i was anticipating it would shock the two new lovers. I softly closed the door behind me and moved over to the window. I stared out it blindly as I steeled myself for the confrontation to come. It would take all my strength to act outraged and angered towards Trowa and Heero, especially when all I wanted to do was jump them. I knew that Heero, and perhaps Trowa as well, would be coming soon, and I hoped that this wouldn't take very long. Last night when I had stopped at the motel for the night I had discovered that the pain inside me did not come when I slept, but when my biological clock said that I should be sleeping, which was approximately between 10pm and 6am. Yesterday the pain had been stronger than the night before, but still only a nuisance. However, Heero had a way of knowing when I was in pain, any type of pain, even if I only cut my finger. It was freaky and I didn't want it happening tonight. I didn't want him to realise why I was really giving him up.
I heard the door open behind me and knew it would be Heero. It had taken him longer than I thought. Obviously I hadn't allowed time for him to get untangled from Trowa. I stared fixedly out the window, not turning around to look at him. He stood in the doorway, then I heard him take a step towards me. "Duo?" He said questioningly. I heard the vulnerability in that single word and hated myself for what I was about to do. No, I hated OZ.
I turned to face him, still maintaining my new mask. "Yes?" I answered icily. He looked at me, confusion and fear in his eyes. I felt an urge to grab him in an embrace and tell him that it was alright, that I was glad about Trowa. I suppressed it sharply, the knowledge of what could happen if I broke into the panther form stopped me going to him. I had to be ruthless. I had to stop him from ever coming back to me, from even *thinking* that we had a chance. Especially after the idea we both had had for going after Trowa.
"What's wrong?" Heero asked me, coming a step closer.
"What's wrong?" I asked him incredulously. "What's wrong? I find you and Trowa naked on the couch and you ask me what's wrong?" I said this in the same icy voice, yet I did not raise it. Normally I was an extemely loud arguer, so I reasoned that it would have more impact on Heero if I was quiet.
"I didn't think you would mind." He said, coming towards me. I couldn't let him touch me. I knew if he did that I would fall apart and tell him everything. I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't be resposible for his death.
"Didn't you? How long did you wait before you jumped him Heero? I bet you couldn't even wait for me to get down the driveway before you hunted him down." That stopped Heero in his tracks, horror dawning on his face.
"It wasn't like that." Heero started to say, his voice pleading. I cut him off there. I couldn't listen to Heero Yuy plead and not give in.
"Really? I find that hard to believe." The hurt in his eyes when I said that was quickly masked, but I saw it anyway. I turned away from him and started to open draws, dragging out my clothes.
"What are you doing?" Asked Heero, shock in his voice.
"Leaving this room." I replied, shoving my stuff uncerimoniously into a duffel bag. "I don't particularly wish to stay here any longer." I looked back up at him and saw that Trowa had joined us. He had his hand on Heero's shoulder, lending him silent support. They looked so good together, and I was glad that even though it wasn't me, Heero would have someone.
"You don't have to go Duo. I won't bother either of you again." Trowa said quietly, his face not showing anything.
"No!" Said Heero adamently. "I'm not letting you go Trowa." He turned to Trowa so that he was side on to us both and placed his hand over the one Trowa had placed on Heero's shoulder."I love you," he said while staring into the deep green eyes, "and you too." He added, turning back to me and trying to connect our gazes. "Why can't you accept it Duo? You told me so many times that you were attracted to Trowa, what the hell has changed now?"
This was a reversal of roles, I thought to myself. Normally I was the one to do all the talking, with Heero contributing almost nothing. Now, what possible reason could I have for changing my mind about Trowa? I though frantically as I continued to pack.
"Well if you don't know, then what's the point in telling you?" I said, stalling for time. Hopefully this would give me a few more minutes for my worn out brain to think of something to tell Heero, to make him get out and leave me the hell alone. I glanced at the clock on the bedside table and felt relief wash over me. It was 6:30 and I had three and a half more hours to convince them both I was sincere. What could I say though? Anger and jealousy would be smoothed over if they told me that they wanted me to join them. So, maybe we should make it a moral decision, but when did I ever have morals? Religion, religion was good. Technically it was a sin to love another man, but when had I ever let that stop me before? Well, disgust for both of them would work, but why would I be disgusted by them?
"Duo." Heero growled warningly. "Tell me why when you left here you could not wait to get Trowa and I both in bed, but now you run from us."
"Because I no longer want you, either of you." I siad, looking first at Heero, then at Trowa, an expression of disgust fixed carefully on my face. God forgive me for the lie I just told, and for the lies I would have to tell to both Heero and Trowa to keep them at bay. But if it came down to lying to protect them, or telling the truth and killing them, I would choose lying every time.
"Were all your proclomations of love false then. Was it all just a lie?" Heero looked at me accusingly, and I could see the hope he was trying to mask. I could practically hear him thinking that if I had loved him then, then I would love him now, that there would be some hope for us. It nearly killed me to shoot that hope down.
"Yes." I said, looking down at my duffel so as not to see the pain in his eyes, the pain that I knew only mirrored what was in his heart. I thrust the last of my clothes harshly into the almost full duffel and tied it up.
"I don't believe you." Heero said, his voice shaking slightly. I knew he was trying to hold onto the hope that everything would be OK. The hope that I could not let him have.
"Then you're stupider than I thought." I said, still maintaining the ice in my voice. "What makes you think that I could ever love you?" I said, sneering at the both of them this time. I stalked over to the door and brushed past them. "I'm not interested in used goods." A hand grabbed my arm, stopping me dead in my tracks.
"What happened Duo?" I turned to look into the forest green eyes of Trowa.
"Exucuse me?" I asked, raising my eyebrow in icy disdain.
"When you went on the mission. What happened? Why are you suddenly like this?"
"Like what Trowa? Are you so used to me being the idiot with the grin that you don't know the truth when you see it? The mission was very dull, and very boring. I went, I saw, I conquered, and then I left. And all that time, I thought. I thought about what was going on in my life, and I didn't like it. Yes, Heero's a great fuck, and yes, you're a very nice piece of eye-candy, but you're both distractions. Distractions from the most important thing there is: The mission." I don't know where this came from. All I knew was that I had finally hit upon something Heero would understand.
"I don't love you, either of you, and the only reason I told Heero I did was because I would never have been able to fuck him else wise. But I've realised that the mission is too important to risk on something I don't need. I don't want to die because I'm obsessed with something I could get using my hands and a vibrator." I pused then and put as much contempt in my voice as possible. "I don't know why you should care, you get some no matter what, don't you?" I wrenched out of Trowa's suprisingly strong grip and headed towards the door of Wufei's old room.

Part 4b-Undeserving

I entered the room and glanced about it's spartan interior for a few moments before plonking my bag in the middle of the double bed that was pushed against one wall. Then I set about stowing all my hastily packed stuff into the only other piece of furniture in the room, a chest of draws. I finished after what seemed like no time at all. I had nothing to do now but dwell on what I had done to the only two people I would ever love.
I thought of all the things I had done, all the things I had said, and then I thought of my vow to never hurt Heero. That night was one of the easiest nights to bear, but it was still the hardest I have ever been through.
The thought of what I had done to both Heero and Trowa stayed in my mind constantly, and I did not get a wink of sleep. I didn't even bother to get changed. I sat in the far corner of the bed, staring out the window, and rocked myself slowly backwards and forwards, holding back the tears that threatened. There was an icy chill within me now. A coldness that would not leave me, and I wondered if I would ever be warm again.
The pain inside me circulated my entire body, reminding me of why I had done what I had done. Thinking of all the time I would spend with this nagging pain, and all the time I wouldn't spend with Heero, almost drove me to suicide. At around 1am, I walked swiftly and silently down to the bathroom. I walked by Heero and Trowa's room and heard muffled noises coming from within. I hurried on, not willing to stay long enough to confirm my suspicion that there were sobs coming from behind that door.
I got to the bathroom and locked the door behind me, the bolt making a loud 'click' as it slid home. I listened carefully, unsure as to whether or not one of my two loves would hear the noise and wonder what I was doing. I waited only minutes before I went over to the medicine cabinet and stared into it's mirrored front. I looked at my reflection for an endless moment. I didn't look any different. I didn't look like the type of person who could destroy somebody elses hope. I didn't look like someone who had broken somebody's heart. I didn't look like a worthless piece of street trash. But I was. I was all those things that I had tried to deny for so very long. I had tried to get past the training my life had given me, determined that nobody would ever be hurt by me. That nobody would ever suffer because of something I had done, like I had suffered because of what others had done to me. I had been adament that I would overcome the treatment I had gotten on the streets of L2. That I would never treat anyone callously, without regard for there feelings. I had promised myself long ago, when I was holding the dying form of sister Helen, that I would always try to bring joy and laughter. Never hurt or pain. That I would smile, and joke and laugh, and I would keep people from thinking about their problems for a while.
And I had failed.
I had tried so hard to be the light in everybody else's darkness, but I had caused a darkness in somebody elses life. I could never forgive myself.
I opened the cabinet and stared at its contents. I went over every shelf in that thing, mentally cataloging all the things that were potentially deadly. Finally, I took out a razor and stared at it. The flourescent white light shone down upon the small sliver of steel, making it gleam and giving it an almost holy aura of light. I looked down at the razor like a drowning man would look at a safety jacket.
I placed the naked blade gently, almost reverently, against my skin and felt it's cold kiss against my sensitive yet oddly numb flesh. My entire body was numb, yet tingles of sensation ran through me, and of course there was the ever present pain. I believe that the pain was the only thing binding me to that frail state we refer to as sanity.
I held that blade to my wrist and I thought once more about all the things I had done, all the vows I had broken. I felt incredibly dirty, like all those filthy lies and deeds were sticking to my body. I knew then that I could not take my life now. I could not let myself have the solace of death when I did not deserve that peace, when I had just destroyed the hope of the person I most cherished.
I placed the razor back where I had found it, careful to make sure that it did not look as if it had been moved. It would not do for Heero to know what I had been contemplating. I still felt dirty though, and as I closed the mirrored cabinet door, I was suprised to find there was no layer of blackened slime blanketing my features.
I stripped off all my clothes and dropped them carelessly on the floor. Then I turned on the shower and stepped underneath it. I kept making the water hotter and hotter, and scrubbing at my body until my flesh was almost raw.
Still I felt dirty.
The hot water ran out eventually and the cold water startled me out of the trance I had been in where nothing mattered except to try and scrub off the non-existant dirt. I collapsed on the cold floor of the shower stall, the icy water raining down upon my like thousands of tiny needles. It bit into my skin, and sitting there, alone and bereft of everything I held dear, I finally allowed my tears to fall.
I stopped feeling dirty.

_.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

All I remember about that night is the gaping hole in my chest that Trowa tried desperately to heal. And Tears. There were lots of tears. Tears from both Trowa and myself as we realised what we had lost.
Duo had loved me. Trowa assured me he loved me. The looks he used to (used to!) give me, the touches, the smiles, he had loved me. But now he showed only contempt for both of us. All that night I wondered what had happened. Over and over I thought about what I had done to make my Duo turn away from me. Trowa felt the loss as well, even though he had never known Duo the way I had known him. Even though he had never known the way Duo could take you out of your world, and transport you somewhere else. Somewhere magical where it was just you and him, surrounded by the love you shared. And all your problems, and the war, and the killings, and the deaths would just...be forgotten. And you could live again. Live on the air that Duo made fragrant and the food that Duo made delicious. Drinking in the water that Duo made tast like champagne and basking in the sunlight that Duo made shine brighter and feel warmer.
Trowa and I sobbed on each others shoulders until we fell asleep cradled in each others arms. That night Trowa was the only thing linking me to my sanity.

Part 5-asking for help

I spent most of the next morning in my room on my laptop. I had to report to Professor G sometime this week, and so it might as well be now. My temperature, reaction time, last nights pain intensity, all those things had been recorded and sent to him. I had decided that even if there was a cure, I would not take it. Heero and Trowa were both lost to me now, and the mutaion would only make me a better warrior. It would make me more able to complete the mission, and the mission was all I had left. I found it ironic that I had helped Heero push aside his dependance on the mission only to take it up myself.
When I went downstair to get some food to feed my rapidly changing body, I saw Heero and Trowa both camped out on Heero's laptop. They were talking in a low murmur, their bodies pressed together, and I walked past the door as silently as possible on my way to the kitchen.
Jealousy shot through me, even as I had my thoughts that I had done the right thing were confirmed. Heero had never let me share his laptop like that, and I now knew that Trowa was much better for him than I would or could ever be. All along, I had thought Heero needed some laughter to help lighten his load, when he really needed silence.
I raided the fridge, looking for things loaded with sugar, which meant junk food. There was hardly anything in there, which meant I would have to go on a buying trip sooner rather than later. It was probably best that way anyhow. I didn't want Heero to see any changes in my behaviour. It might alert him to the fact that something other than my new-found love of the mission was going on. That would never do.
I went back upstairs and grabbed my wallet. Should I go out the window? If I went out the door I would have to go past Heero and Trowa, and they might ask me where I was going. Also, if I went out via the door, I would have to come back via the door, and then I would have to explain the groceries. I could always go at night when they were asleep, but I wanted to practice my man-beast for the rest of the day, and I needed energy for that.
The window it was.

_.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

Trowa and I spent all the next morning on my laptop with Professor J, trying to find out about Duo's mission. Trowa had convinced me that something had happened to Duo on the mission for him to come back like that. I wanted to believe Trowa, so I had let him talk me into contacting J and find out what had happened. I knew I was grasping at straws, but I couldn't help myself. I needed the love and support that Duo had given me, even though I now had Trowa, it wasn't the same. I was afraid that without Duo's laughter I wouldn't be able to keep my perfect soldier training at bay.
I was afraid that I would once again lose my ability to feel. So I talked to proffessor J, who professed no knowledge about the mission other than it had gone according to plan. He did say that G had asked for some machinery that specialised in anylysing substances, but aprt from that, not a word had been said. J had said that the amount of time Duo had been away seemed suspicious, and he thought G had Duo take several things from the lab before he blew it up. I wheedled out a promise from J to find out anything he could about the mission, then moved to other things. Mainly, hacking into Duo's computer.
It took me and Trowa combined four hours to get into Duo's computer. When we eventually got in, I had no idea why he had it so protected. There was hardly anything in there apart from a bat man desk top. However I did not do all that hacking just to take a brief look araound for five minutes. So for the next half our, Trowa and I looked around Duo's comp, hoping to find something useful. It was only when the idea of checking Duo's sent e-mail hit that my luck got better. Duo had sent an e-mail that day to professor J. I opened it up and stared in confusion. It was all about Duo. But it wasn't the normal, I'm-a-gemini-who-likes-long-walks-in-the-rain type thing, it was stuff like temperature, reaction times, how hot he felt last night.
What the hell was going on? This was definitely not a normal thing for Professor G to ask Duo. I should know, Duo shared -used to share- everything with me. I saved the sent copy to my computer and switched it off, deciding I had had enough for one day.
"dinner time?" Trowa asked me, getting up from his seat and stretching. I ran my hand down his ribcage lightly, then got up, wrapping my arms around him and giving him a passionate kiss. I broke it moments later and headed towards the kitchen.
"What do you think happened on the mission?" I asked Trowa in my normal monotone.
"I don't know, but it had to be something so devestating that Duo felt he had break up with you."
"Are you sure he didn't mean what he said Trowa? He never lies, and what he said about the mission..."
"Heero!" Trowa sighed in frustration. I looked down at the carrots I was cutting, ashamed for having these doubts. I don't know why, but I needed this reassurance. Actually, I did know why. I had opened my heart, left myself vulnerable, and been hurt.
Again. I was always hurt when I left myself open. That fact was what had made me shut off my emotions for so long. Now that Duo had helped me rediscover them, I didn't want to go back to the isolation I had been in before. It was so cold, so lonely, being the 'perfect soldier', allowing the mission to always come first before people did. I had had to keep myself aloof so as to become as efficient as possible. It had nearly killed me to watch others laughing, crying, yelling, loving...living. I had wanted to join them for so long, wanted to be a part of the people who enjoyed life to the fullest.
I just wanted to enjoy life full stop. Duo had helped me start to do that. He had shown me that I could be a strong soldier and learn to feel as well by being open and honest, yet deadly at the same time. I admired the way he could be so human while still having to kill. He had shown me how to do that as well, and now that he was gone, I was afraid I would lose my place amoung the living again.
Duo was hiding something from me. Something so drastic it had caused his entire attitude towards life to change, and that was not good at all. "Trowa," I said, looking at him as he moved around the kitchen. "I think we should get Quatre ove here." Trowa stopped and looked at me, one eyebrow raised in question. I didn't realise I had wanted Quatre here before I opened my mouth. It had just come out, but now I realised how much sense it made to have the small blond near. Even though it shamed me to admit I needed help when I should be able to give my love all the support he could ask for.
"Quatre and Duo are good friends, and Quatre is somewhat of an empath. He should be able to find out what's going on. Even if Duo won't talk to him, and his empathic abilities don't pick up anything, we could use the extra pair of eyes to monitor Duo."
Trowa considered this for a moment before nodding his head. I went to call Quatre.
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