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Giving up the Fight	By : NLDCat Category: Dragon Ball Z > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 765 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is purely a work of fanfiction and I claim no ownership of Dragon Ball Z and no profit is made from this...

Chapter List
- 1-Giving up the Fight
- 1
Disclaimer: I own the plot and the few Saiyans you DON'T recognize...and I am sure you want neither them NOR this story...
Author's note: I cannot express enough warning about this fic at the get-go; it is by far the darkest, cruelest, and hardest story to date. This comes from months of emotional issues that found an outlet in THIS story. Know before hand that I would HOPE that no one's life gets this dark and empty that you chose the same fate Raditz does. Warnings include: Angst, LOTS of angst, cutting, attempted and managed suicide. If you read this...please have tissues...and if it gets to be too much...hit the back button. I wouldn't blame you. This fic takes place in an AU universe in which the Saiyans managed to defeat Frieza before he killed them all...Please heed the warnings...
Giving Up the Fight
There was a steady beeping sound when he rouses from the hazy fog of sleep. Slowly, obsidian eyes open to find the white-washed walls of a room in the medical hall. Slowly, he struggles to a sitting position before he notices the bandages on his abdomen. "I know you lower classes are intent on pushing yourselves to get stronger to prove that you're worthy of recognition but this is a little extreme, son of Bardock."
He turns his head to stare at the medic uncomprehendingly. "Wh-what are you talking about? What is going on?" He was confused and disoriented and didn't like the sight of the bandages. The last he remembered he was in a training room alone...then everything went blank.
"Your anesthesia is making you a little confused but it's to be expected. You'll be in some pain until your body adjusts to the changes. It was why removing your reproductive organs is highly risky and why you are warned not to do it unless absolutely necessary."
It takes him a few minutes to even follow the medic. "M-my...reproductive organs...REMOVED?" He was praying that he heard the medic WRONG.
"Uh huh...like I said, you lower classed Saiyans do some weird things to increase your power."
The news hits him hard, fast, and with a violence that sends his emotions reeling. Someone...had ordered his reproductive organs removed...without his consent. Tears fill his eyes as he slowly reaches down to touch his bandaged stomach. "N-no...no...NO!!!!"The anguished cry echoes the room before the tears spill and he finds himself drawing his knees close to him. He didn't care WHO saw him like this. All he could think about, all he could focus on was that someone had been heartless enough to take from him the chance he had to have a family. His tears lead to exhaustion and he finds himself curling up tightly before drifting off to sleep.
"...you're WRONG!" His father's angry tone is what slowly drags him to awareness.
"All the forms were filled out and signed, Bardock!"
"I would like to know who was heartless enough to not only forge my signature but to make it look like I wanted this," Raditz says quietly, tonelessly.
"Raditz..." Bardock says coming to his side.
"If there was a mistake..."
"If? IF!" Raditz snaps gazing around his father at the medic, "There WAS a mistake!" Unfortunately, there was no fixing THIS. He feels his father stroke his hair and feels his emotions unravel further.
"I would like to take my son home," the spiky-haired Saiyan says curtly feeling him start to tremble, "Is THAT okay with you?"
"Y-yes, of course."
"Good...but know this; whoever did this to my son is going to pay, that is a PROMISE."
There was something to be said for his emotions going numb enough that he couldn't react to what was going on at the moment. Bardock immediately tucks him into bed. "You just rest, 'Ditz," he says softly kissing the top of his head. Honestly, there was nothing else he COULD do at this point but rest and let his body heal. He curls up in the blankets that wrapped him in the familiar scent of home, of family, of safety.
The recovery period finally ends allowing Raditz to return to his position as palace guard. However, as much as his body has healed, his emotions have not nor has the hollow, empty ache in him. Telling himself that he had no other choice, that he had to make something of himself, he enters the throne room. Honestly, he didn't want to be out in public but he hated to be alone with his thoughts even more. It was just a no win situation all around.
The morning is uneventful what with petitions and such going on but Raditz didn't expect things to be all that messy in the midst of the throne room. It was when lunch rolls around that he was sure things were about to get seriously south. He slips in trying to be as unnoticable as possible wanting to just be alone. "Well, well, well, I am surprised you managed to keep your job." Jerich's smug tone makes him wonder what he'd done to deserve this sort of punishment.
"I'm not in the mood for listening to you wag your tongue about things that you know NOTHING about, Jerich," he warns the Elite, "So please, just do the palace a favor and keep your acidic tongue in your mouth."
"Such spite, 'Ditz."
"My friends and family are the only ones allowed to speak so informally to me...as you well know so don't call me that because you're neither a friend or a member of my family." He was NOT in the mood to deal with the other Saiyan over this. Deciding that continuing this was just a bad idea altogether, he goes to just sit down not in the mood really to eat. He doesn't get more than twenty feet away from the other before he hears him start talking again.
"Almost managed it, didn't you? You almost managed to be his mate. Pity that's no longer an option, huh?" The words, as true as they were, cut his already aching heart to ribbons as he'd been trying NOT to think about everything that he lost thanks to this. Unfortunately, Jerich was quite GOOD at hurting him.
Unwilling to handle large groups of Saiyans with how raw he suddenly feels, Raditz exits the dinning hall and heads back to the throne room. "You should have listened to your father."
"You should be eating, highness," he answers the prince.
"I sort of figured Jerich wouldn't miss an opportunity to be his smug, condescending self."
"I don't require coddling, highness, I am fine."
"Really? Considering the whole situation, I can't imagine 'fine' being any sort of way to describe how you would feel about things."
"What do you want me to say, Prince?"
"I want you to rant, rave, have a fit...because I can sense that you need to...and it's only you and me and I assure you that I'm not about to have you arrested."
Raditz feels his fingers tighten into fists. "How...was this managed? I just...I want to know how someone DID this to me!"
"I don't know...but know that I am going to find out."
"H-has...your father been informed?"
"No, not as of yet. He's been too busy to get in touch with. However, he will be returning in a couple of days...and will no doubt find out then."
Raditz's eyes lower at that. "Of course..."
"You are still being too controlled."
"What do you want me to say?" he asks harshly looking at the other, "There is NOTHING to be done at this point! Whoever it was saw to it when they took away my ability to have a FAMILY!"
"I know this," the prince answers softly, "Raditz, you and I have been through a lot together and I do NOT like seeing such things happen to you."
"Unfortunately, our laws are there for a good reason," he says hollowly, "I'm Third Class...the only way I would be a suitable mate for your father is if I was capable of bearing him children...I know the mandate, prince. I was there when it was given."
"Father isn't concerned about children, Raditz. He just wanted to settle down with a queen he could trust to lead the people right...someone he could trust with HIM. You BOTH lose this way."
The day finally ends and Raditz slips from the throne room to a familiar pair of suites. Reaching under his spandex, he draws a necklace from his neck before gazing at it with a sadness and regret that goes soul-deep. He slides it into an envelope and places it on a specific pillow on the bed knowing that having been gone so long, the king would retire to his chambers FIRST. He'd become very good at knowing the others habits in the passed months. He gazes around the room one more time and feels that clenching pain again before he lets the doors slide shut not only on the room but on a chapter of his life that he wasn't sure he would heal from. He makes his way to his quarters in the palace feeling like his heart had been removed and sliced up for dinner. "You should have stayed home before you faced this."
He slowly turns to face Nappa. "And? I would eventually have been reminded that I was no longer qualified to be his mate. Better before I have to face him in the throne room. Better that I NOT hear it from him FIRST."
"Raditz..."
"Nappa, it's not going to be alright, I know that. I will just have to find a way to deal with the repercussions. I will rise above this. My line is good at that if nothing else."
"You sure you'll be able to handle HIS reaction when he comes back and finds all this out?"
"He'll find it out from ME, first."
"You left him a note?"
"And the pendant he gave me. I have no rights to it anymore." It made him feel naked to not feel the symbol against his skin. It just made him ache MORE. The Elite reaches out and gently brushes a few errant strands out of his face.
"For what it's worth; those who have always been on YOUR side feel awful about this, 'Ditz."
"I know," he answers quietly, "and I appreciate the support...but there is nothing that will make this right. As always, I end up the loser."
"It's hardly fair."
"Perhaps not...but fate doesn't seem to want to play fair where I am concerned."
Being alone in his quarters gives Raditz all the time in the world to think about the way things were...and the way things had been up until then. The King had proposed to him a week before his "surgery"citing that when he returned from dealing with construction and problems a few days away from the palace the ceremony would take place. This had come after months of courting that had Raditz feeling better than he ever had. Having the King's attention had been a gift that he'd cherished. Unfortunately, that couldn't continue thanks to whoever had committed this crime. Tears fill his eyes again and he pulls his pillow tightly to him before pressing his face into it muffling the heart-wrenching sobs.
It's in the middle of lunch four days later that they are given notice that the King had returned and was in his suites. Raditz sees Nappa flash him a look across the table which Raditz ignores as he struggles to keep his appetite up, struggles to keep his spirits from plummeting further even though he was pretty sure that there was no help for it. However, he finds that there might be MORE to worry about when a familiar KI spikes hot. "Fuck, what is he so PISSED at NOW?" a Saiyan demands from the three tables over.
Raditz closes his eyes feeling the male's KI builiding to an alarming degree. Oh, he could just imagine what had the male infuriated. He feels any sort of appetite dissipate almost immediately and hopes that the King remained in his chambers and didn't come THERE. It's not really surprising that no one else eats anymore either as there were few Saiyans on the planet who were terrifying in a fit of rage. Their king definitely topped that list.
The tension in the palace continues to a point where the Prince finally dismisses everyone. Raditz wastes no time in getting OUT of the palace before he had to spend a night feeling the others rage. Retreating to his small residence, part of him wonders if he hadn't been better off just letting the other find out via someone else.
He ends up getting no sleep and faces the morning feeling like he'd been struck with the damn palace. He showers and dresses before deciding that he might as well get this over with while wondering just how badly it was going to go. Arriving at the stairs he senses an eerie sort of calm that makes him wonder if walking inside was a good idea. Regardless of how much he was pretty sure this made him a moron, he slowly walks up and pushes the doors open before heading for the throne room. It was the last place on the planet he wanted to be and the place he HAD to come to. His courage stops at the throne room doors as he gazes at them. That eerie calm was unsettling as it was the feeling that came only minutes before something went horribly wrong. He was pretty sure turning around and leaving would be the BEST decision he could make at the moment. However, he wasn't about to skirt his duties so instead, he pushes them open and walks inside. The King's throne is empty which tells Raditz that the calm might be due to the fact that the elder royal wasn't there. "Raditz..."
"Should I just leave?" he asks feeling strangely drained.
"No, but...I have to tell you that my father...is on the warpath right now. Zorn finally got him out of the room but..."
"But if he comes back I'm in some trouble right?"
"More than likely."
Of course...because that was how his life was going at the moment. "Then I'll just handle it then."
"How did he find out?"
"I left him a note...along with the pendant he gave me," Raditz says quietly, "I wasn't...letting someone else tell him, prince. I couldn't."
"For what it is worth...I am sorry about this, Raditz."
"Well, sorry isn't going to help me very much now is it?"
"No, you're right about that."
He lets that end the conversation and takes his place by Nappa. He really DIDN'T feel like being here at the moment but he didn't want to be alone with his thoughts, either. Hopefully, Zorn convinced the elder Vegeta to just stay out of the throne room before Raditz had to face him TOO. It wasn't something he wanted to think about at the moment. Actually, he didn't want to think about it at ALL. Unfortunately that wasn't possible.
Lunch rolls around and Raditz slowly makes his way in really not up to dealing with being around others but not seeing a way around it. The moment he enters, however, most conversation stops. It wasn't a good sign all things considered. Struggling not to let it bother him, he crosses to an empty table uninterested in eating. "Well, here I was thinking you would do the smart thing and NOT come back here," Jerich comments.
"Why is it when I feel the WORST I've ever felt does it mean I STILL have to listen to YOU?" he demands looking at the other, "Do you NOT understand to LEAVE someone alone when they've managed to lose EVERYTHING they've worked for?!"
"When I think it's damn hilarious? Sorry, but no, low class."
Really, the elite needed to find some other way of amusing themselves that didn't involve mocking someone else's pain and misery. Unfortunately, that was the normal way they acted and it wasn't going to change just because Raditz willed it. It just hurt that it was mostly HIS gaping wounds that were picked at but then again, he had been seeing the King so...maybe he shouldn't be so surprised when they made a big deal out of it.
He's glad to get out of there though the prince meeting him by the throne room tells him that things were about to probably go south. "It's nothing personal...but I need you to go home for the rest of the day...please. He's in there...he's calm."
"Say no more, prince," Raditz says quietly, "I understand." It just hurt like nothing else that the only thing he could do was avoid the other. It makes him very brittle to have to walk out of the palace, to be sent home like this. It rubbed already raw emotions that much more. Stepping into the empty residence, he lets the door close with an echoing sound that just filled him with a deeper despair. Maybe he should just get transferred out of the palace if it was going to be such a hardship. If the king couldn't tolerate his presence in the palace, and part of him wondered why he WOULD, then he needed to solve the problem himself.
He sinks down onto the couch before cupping his face in his hands and taking a few deep breaths. That empty feeling nearly consumes him and he wonders what the point of going on like this was. The more he sits there, the more the darkness closes in and the more he wonders what he had left after all of this thanks to whoever had thought it funny to have THIS done to him. He was beginning not to like the answer he was being given.
The oppressive silence takes its toll and Raditz finally stands up incapable of dealing with things as they were. He walks into the kitchen before pulling open a drawer and gazing at the contents. This was the biggest show of weakness to date, he realizes but the darkness in him consumes him and he's pulled the blade out and sliced open his wrist before he really realizes that he'd actually been serious about this. Soon, the darkness swallows him whole.
Beep. Beep. Beep. The constant steady beeping was beginning to grate on his last nerve as he slowly returns to consciousness. "Well, if anyone had a question as to how you felt about the whole situation, it's been answered in spectacular fashion."
Raditz gazes at the medic a moment before his fuzzy mind wraps around things. Someone had found him in his home and brought him here. Of course. "I don't want to hear it," he intones quietly.
"Oh, I am sure you don't. The PROBLEM with that...is that you get to hear it from...several very UPSET Saiyans."
"I'm not discussing it. Not with anyone. I don't care anymore." He was just tired of all of this. He just...he wanted to not have to deal with this anymore. That would be nice considering he felt like his heart had bled out along with his wrist. Deciding that he'd had enough of the conversation, he turns his head which means his gaze lands on the table by the bed with cards. Slowly, he reaches over and picks up the stack flipping through them idly. He was pretty sure he knew what they all said when it came down to it. He struggles at the disappointment that fills him when he doesn't find the one he wanted to see. He immediately inwardly chastises himself for being that stupid. The twisting feeling returns and he finds himself grabbing a bedpan before his stomach revolts violently. Squeezing his eyes shut, he could only wonder why he was doing this to himself. 'Look at you...you're such a useless, WEAK creature! What did the King see in you in the FIRST place? You're such a disappointment.'
*~*~Time Lapse*~*~*
He finally gets released. Slowly, he walks to the throne room hoping that the king wasn't in...so he could resign his post to the prince and get out without having to see him. The prince rising seeing the look on his face. "Raditz..."
"I'm resigning," he says immediately, "I can't...I can't do this, prince. I just...I CAN'T."
"I was afraid it would come down to this."
"I'm sorry..."
"You have nothing to apologize for, Raditz. This whole damn situation has been excruciating on you. I had hoped better for you than this. We've been friends too long for me to want this for you."
"Well, fate apparently seems to enjoy my suffering...so..."
"Just...promise me this; Promise me that you won't harm yourself again."
"I won't," he says quietly meeting his gaze, "It's why I have to leave."
"Then let me know where you want to be and I'll get you there. I owe you at least that much."
"I think...for the time being...I'm just going home. I'll help out at the quarter. There is no shortage of things to do to keep busy." He sees the other nod and bows deeply to him. "It's...been a pleasure to serve you and your father, prince."
He pauses at the steps and looks back at the palace before swallowing hard. He'd made a promise to the prince and he planned to uphold it...which is why he was going to see his parents. He needed something to ground him if nothing more for a little bit.
Somehow, he's not surprised when he doesn't make it to the door before both his parents are outside and Toma pulls him tightly to him. "I'm sorry to intrude," he whispers.
"It's not an intrusion," the older male answers, "You know you have a room here when you need it, 'Ditz."
Working in his home quarter helps ground him. These were Saiyans he'd grown up with, who knew him. There was something to be said for how fast they rallied when one of their own was in such emotional pain. He just wasn't sure that even time would help heal these wounds. Frieza had been awful of that there was no doubt but that situation had never had anything to do with his heart. Losing the chance to be with the elder Vegeta was threatening to tear his emotions in an irreparable sort of way.
*~*~*POV Change~*~*~*
"Almost a month and he's no better," Fasha says quietly.
"You expect it to be that easy?" Bardock demands.
"No, I don't because it shows more and more how much he's hurting over this. He was almost MATED to the king. That...that can't be an easy thing to lose."
"It isn't that he was almost queen that's tearing my child apart," Bardock says quietly, "It's that he loses the male he's in LOVE with...which considering all that Raditz has been through was a miracle in and of itself."
"I didn't think he'd let anyone close enough to touch him, let alone fall for them," Toma agrees, "And...personally, it is a fucked up hand that life has dealt him."
"He almost didn't heal from Frieza," Bardock says quietly, "He WON'T heal from this. Mark my words. He'll do everything he can to uphold his promise to the prince but when he woke up from that surgery...when he finally understood what had happened...he was as good as dead right then. And that...THAT is unforgivable."
*~*~Time Lapse*~*~*
He closes his eyes a moment leaning against the building he was repairing trying to pull his emotions from rock-bottom but it was almost impossible to do so. He knew his parents were probably worried. Hell, Kakarot was sure he wasn't going to last the rest of the week. Running a shaking hand through his hair, he tries to remind himself that he made a promise to Vegeta and that he had YET to break any oath he'd EVER made. Everything just hurt too much to want to get out of bed in the morning. He was alone, miserable, and had no idea how to get himself out of the way he felt. He did his best even though he felt like a zombie; even though he wondered what the point of it was. He just wasn't sure how long he could keep on going, how long he could push himself like this.
Nappa makes an appearance at the quarter and Raditz is sure that there is nothing good that was going to be said but he goes to the Elite anyway. "Is everything alright?" he asks quietly.
"Ariaste was arrested," the older male replies.
"Of course it would be her," Raditz comments snidely, "Gee, why am I just NOT surprised that the bitch has the last laugh?"
"She's getting executed."
"What's the point? It doesn't matter anymore. I still end up the loser. Tell him not to waste the energy."
"Raditz..."
He shakes his head. "There will be no justice for me...and quite frankly, I'm just tired, Nappa. I don't want to do this anymore. I CAN'T do this anymore."
"I know...your parents update me. I hate to see you like this."
"I hate seeing me like this, too...but..." He shakes his head. "I can't heal from this...I barely healed from Frieza...and it had nothing to do with how I felt about things. I just...I PROMISED the prince that I wouldn't hurt myself. I PROMISED him...and I think, in the end, I'm going to end up breaking my own vow. And it kills me."
Nappa gently brushes his hair out of his face. "This was never something YOU deserved, Raditz."
"It doesn't matter what I deserve or not now does it? I can't have the family I want...and I can't have the mate I want EITHER. It hurts more and more each day to know that."
"I know...and I'm sorry."
He didn't want to do this, he didn't...but the words are out before he can help himself. "How is he, our king?"
"Cold. Unrecognizable. I've never seen him like this, Raditz. He...scares the rest of us with how he's changed. You left...and it was like he went ice-cold inside. No one dares make ONE mistake for fear of receiving his wrath."
"I'm sorry, Nappa."
"So are we. Zorn...is a mess trying to handle him and it's obvious how little it's working. The prince doesn't know how to handle his father. NONE of us know what to do. It makes us relieved to get through a day without him going into a fit of rage."
Guilt fills him at the realization that the others were suffering, too because of this. "I never...meant for things to go like this."
"I know you didn't," Nappa says softly, "Don't blame yourself, Raditz."
But he did blame himself. He should never have accepted the others advances in the beginning and then maybe this wouldn't be happening NOW. He'd been such a fool for even attempting it after all the damage Frieza had caused to his emotions. Now, now he felt like he was dying inside and that there was no fix to it.
Closing his eyes, he leans against the wall of the building he was working on as tears fall. He couldn't see himself doing this much longer. "Raditz..." Kakarot's voice makes him flinch.
"G-go away," he whispers harshly.
"Big brother, you can't keep doing this to yourself."
"GO AWAY!"
The younger male goes immediately for their parents feeling that same crippling fear he'd felt when he'd gone to his brother's house that night and found him on the ground. "He's falling apart again," he says urgently to their mother. Bardock closes his eyes a moment before nodding and heading out. Toma reaches out and pulls him close. "We're LOSING him!" he whimpers.
"Hang tough, Kakarot," the older male whispers, "We are doing our best to get him through this. It's just...it's just too much pain to expect him to get through it so easily."
"It's not fair!"
"Oh, I know that, son. I KNOW."
Raditz feels arms slide around him and the familiar scent of his mother has him pressing closer to Bardock. "I can't do this! I CAN'T."
"Shh," Bardock whispers stroking his hair, "I know that this hurts, 'Ditz, but you have to hold on." It was breaking his heart to watch his eldest go through this. It hurt more that he was pretty sure he was going to lose the other to the misery eating away at him. Watching him break down against him has Bardock scared that at some point, he was going to be called because his son was found too late to help him. 'Please...please don't do this to him...please, fate, don't be this cruel to my eldest son. He's been through enough. PLEASE.'
A week after his breakdown, he feels the hollow emptiness taking root and knows it was only a matter of time before he finally surrendered permanently to the misery filling him. "You officially look like a wraith."
"I feel like one, too," he agrees quietly as he continues what he was doing. His actions were nearly mechanical now and more as a way to pass the time than anything. What did he have to live for anyway?
That night while they sat at the nearby tavern as they did every night to unwind, there is an announcement. "The King is getting married."
Raditz feels his body go taut. "Please tell me you're joking," Bardock says his eyes flickering to his eldest.
"I wish I was. It was announced in the courtyard today. He'll be married next week."
Raditz feels his appetite vanish immediately and slowly rises. "Raditz," his father says softly.
"Don't," he whispers bitterly, "please, father, just DON'T." It was the last piece of bad news that he could POSSIBLY have. He'd been denied that right thanks to Ariaste. What more could the universe DO to him? They'd taken away everything that mattered already. He was done. He could not go on thinking about someone else being in that bed, being the male's mate. It was more than his shredded emotions could deal with. He stops by the door and slowly turns to gaze at his family. "I'm sorry..." he whispers, "I have no right to ask this...but...please forgive me."
"NO!" Kakarot says immediately coming to him, "Don't you DARE!"
"Little brother..."
"NO!" he says harshly, "You can't...NO, 'DITZ!"
"Don't...don't ask this of me."
The younger male grits his teeth. "You CAN'T give up, big brother! PLEASE!"
"There comes a point...where there is no strength to be found to want to do this...I've TRIED, Kakarot...Do you think I LIKE what I'm becoming?!"
"No..." the other whispers, "but...please, big brother, don't do this...please. I know...I know it's awful...but please..."
He reaches out and gently brushes his fingers through the others spiky hair feeling his heart shatter. "I'm sorry, little brother," he whispers. The other hugs him tightly trembling and Raditz wished it was enough...that it was enough to keep him here. Unfortunately, it wasn't and he couldn't find the will in him to continue any longer. The thought of him marrying just pushed his limit of coping. "Forgive me someday, Kakarot...please." He was sure it was too much to ask of the other considering the whole situation as a whole. He feels his sibling clutch him tighter at his words.
Finally, he gently untangles the male kissing his forehead gently. "I never meant to hurt you, Kakarot."
"YOU are the one hurting...you're always hurting...and it's not fair," the younger male whispers tears spilling down his face.
"I know," he answers quietly, "And I can't do this anymore...I CAN'T Kakarot...I've tried...god knows, I've tried."
"I know," he whispers, "I KNOW, 'Ditz..." He looks up at him before struggling with a smile. "We love you, so much, big brother..."
And he wished with all he was that it was enough. He looks over at his parents who were standing there both looking devastated. "I love you...don't ever doubt that," he says quietly, "And I'm sorry...that it's come down to this."
Bardock crosses to him and hugs him tightly, much like Kakarot. He doesn't argue, doesn't demand anything. He merely looks up at him and whispers, "I love you, 'Ditz, remember that. And I am proud of you."
Somehow, he's not surprised that Toma won't come to him. He gazes at his father from across the room. "For all you've done and seen me through...thank you, father. I love you." He watches the other look away and notes the tears spilling before he slides from the building. He'd caused his family ENOUGH pain...and yet, he had one more place to stop in at.
He slowly walks up the palace steps feeling his spirits plummet. This was not going to be an easy conversation and he was sure the other was going to have a fit but he deserved to hear it from him. He finds the prince alone in the throne room though the sight of Nappa and Turles makes him inwardly wince. "Raditz?" the prince asks.
"I have no right to ask this of you," he says quietly, "but I am doing it anyway and asking you to forgive the weakness of one of your own."
"Forgive..." He watches realization fill those dark orbs, "Raditz..."
He puts his hand up. "Please...don't. It won't change things and I can't...I can't do it anymore, prince. I CAN'T."
"They know?" he asks.
"They know...they're devastated...but they know. I figured...you had a right to hear it from ME...that if my oath was to break that I would admit it to you beforehand. I owe you that much."
"You're asking for the people who love you most to just turn a blind eye to suicide...that's...cruel of you."
"I know," he says quietly, "I am well aware of what I am asking...however, as I'm sure you know; I am already dead, prince. Why make me wait until it finishes?"
"That would be crueler," the prince agrees softly gazing at him, "You heard the announcement then?"
"I did," he answers quietly.
The prince nods his head. "I can't...say that this comes as much of a surprise. I just...I was hoping that fate would finally even the scales for you. You've...had to endure entirely too much in your life and for it to end like this isn't..." the royal's shoulders slump, "I'm beginning to see that there is no justice to be had in some things and that hurts, 'Ditz."
"Vegeta, is there a reason you are still..."
The sound of the King's voice tenses Raditz. "I will be done in a moment, father," the prince says quietly, "Just...finishing up some last minute business."
Raditz feels his body starting to tremble and struggles to keep his emotions from spiraling out of control. 'Please,' he thinks, 'Please just LEAVE!' he thinks helplessly, 'Please, dear GODS, make him leave.' To his growing distress, the booted footsteps come CLOSER. Raditz squeezes his eyes shut. "I...I believe I've taken up enough of your time, highness," he manages forcing his eyes open, "I apologize...for such a late appearance."
"It was no trouble, Raditz," the other says quietly, "You've...never been any trouble."
He crosses his arm over his chest clenching his fist over his heart. "Take care, Prince Vegeta." He is struggling to ignore the presence of the other male as he turns.
"Raditz..."
He turns to look at Turles whose dark eyes hold everything he was struggling not to say. "Protect him," he says quietly.
"Radi..."
"Do your duty, 'Les." Without waiting a moment more, he walks out of the throne room struggling to swallow at the realization that the king never inquired as to what was going on. He steps out into the cool night breeze and closes his eyes. It was a beautiful night if nothing else and he decides for one more activity before taking off into the air and letting the air flow around him twirling his hair around his body. There was a simple pleasure to be had in flying and if he was going to finish what had been started, he might as well enjoy himself beforehand.
Finally, he touches down at his own residence and gazes at the building a moment. It was as good a tomb as anything, he decides even though he was appalled that it had come to this, that it was so bad that this was the only way to fix it. Slowly, he reaches up and presses a button on his scouter. "This...message is for those closest to me...Forgive me for this weakness, forgive me for being incapable of continuing on like this. I did my best, I tried my hardest but I can no longer handle this situation anymore. I cannot handle the realization that after all I have suffered, after all I endured that I am denied even the ability to make something meaningful of myself or have that which I wanted most even though I knew it was a bad idea from the start.
Mother...You've seen me through so much in these past years and I am proud to have known you. You taught me to serve fully and completely to never give anything less than all I was to anything I felt worthwhile. You raised a great son...and I know that Kakarot will be just as great. My regret is that I put you through this pain...that I didn't have your indomitable spirit or your unbreakable strength. I love you...and I wish that things were not as they are.
Father...Forgive me for not being half the male you are...for not having have the courage that you have. You make me proud to be your son but I know that I have never measured up to you...but then I had enormous boots to fill at the get-go. Kakarot and I are blessed with such a sire. I count myself honored to have been a part of your family. I love you, father...know that above all else.
Kakarot...Little brother, I know that this is beyond cruel to do especially when you're so young and full of hope for the future...However, don't let THIS change that. You're future is as bright as it has ever been. There just...are some wounds that don't heal, some darkness that can't be beaten. My story...is not something that is the norm and I know it. Stay strong, stand tall and take care of our parents okay? They're going to need you...as much as you are going to need their support. Know that I love you and that I am proud of you. Show them...show them all what our line is made of.
Turles...You've been my best friend and I have never felt more like I failed than right now. You've stood by me through so much, put up with so much from me and given me immeasurable happiness. I know that you don't understand, that you can't understand how I got to such a deep, dark UGLY place but know that there was nothing that could be done once Ariaste made her move...that she'd already killed me right then...because in losing my chance at the family that I wanted...she took what was left of me that I had to give. She took the one male that made my pain WORTH it. Know that this comes with the bitter knowledge that I am failing...that I lose in the end. It's a hard pill to swallow...But...I am asking for you to look after my family and the royals that you serve...as a last request. I know that I have no business in asking this of you...but I trust few with the lives of those I held dear. Chin up, you rogue pirate. You'll be fine. Cry a little and get on with your life. Honestly.
Nappa...thank you...for putting up with me. It was an honor to work beside you. Take care of the prince and Turles since neither of them can do it themselves. Know that this decision makes everything spat about my rank probably true...but then we can't avoid fate forever can we? I am...just glad that our race has a future...protect it like you've always done and fate willing, be happy, Nappa. You've earned that right.
Prince Vegeta...Remember who you are...remember what will one day be yours and do right by them. Care for them ALL. Be compassionate in your firmness and fair in all dealings and your people will serve you well and willingly. Know that it has been a pleasure to serve you and that every choice I have ever made in regards to your protection was made because I believe in you. Know that I've never been one to go back on my oaths...and that this breaks what is left of me...but I...finally found where my strength ends, where even I can't bounce back from. Take to heart the lessons you've learned and what you feel deep down is right. You will make a great king one day. I am proud to have gotten the chance to serve you.
King Vegeta...sire..." His voice falters before he squeezes tightly tears forming and spilling, "'Geta...Forgive me. Please. I just...I could not live with the way things were...the way things HAVE to be. Our laws...suck sometimes, I won't lie. Above all else...I would have you happy. I...love you so much it hurts...so much that I just can't handle this. I wish I could. I wish to every deity I know and then some that I could. So...with my blessing, may you live long and rule well. Your people love you...and so do I." He turns the scouter off shaking and crying softly before he sets it on the dresser. So many were going to get hurt by this and yet...and yet it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. He wipes his face before walking to the kitchen and opening the drawer again. He gently lifts the blade up and returns to his room before sitting on the edge of his bed and he gazes at the sharp metallic object before bringing it down to his wrist. "So...you win after all, Frieza," he whispers, "Congratulations...maybe they'll put me in hell with you. I'll probably deserve it." That being said, he presses the blade in and pulls. He watches the crimson spill over his skin onto the floor, watching his life fading with the red flow until his eyes flutter and the darkness swallows him down into the deep abyss.
*~*POV Change~*~*
The door opens and a figure gazes down at the sight in the room heart filling with indescribable pain. Slowly, he walks to the bed gazing at the still form reaching for his neck and knowing there would be no pulse. A choked sound escapes him before he slides onto the bed drawing the cold form to him. "You...shouldn't have had to go through this," he whispers fiercely, "I am SO sorry, son." Toma holds his first born tightly wishing to the depths of his soul that this hadn't gone so wrong. Finally, he gently lays the still form back against the bed and recrosses before seeing the scouter and gently lifting it up. Pressing the button, he listens and squeezes his eyes shut. "It was never your place to apologize," he whispers, "We all failed you, 'Ditz."
He slips outside where he is met by his mate and son. Kakarot takes ONE look at him and a choked wail escapes him as he crumples but it is nothing to the strangled sob that escapes Bardock and twists Toma's heart further. He gathers his mate and son to him feeling helpless, hurt, and angry at the whole damned situation. "Come on," he whispers, "I...will handle this."
He gets Kakarot and Bardock home and in bed before he returns to the house. Closing his eyes, he touches his scouter. "Prince Vegeta?"
"Toma?" The tone reveals that the prince was crying.
"I am sorry, prince."
A low choked sound escapes before the others scouter goes offline. Toma couldn't blame him and repeats himself twice more to Turles and Nappa who take it with just as little grace before slowly re-entering the home and gathering Raditz up. He walks into the medical wing stonily having finally gotten to the emotional lethargy that allowed him to show NOTHING. "T-TOMA!" the medic gasps seeing Raditz.
"If there were any questions about whether or not this is what he wanted for himself...I should think they've been suitably answered," he says gently laying him out.
"Gods above...Toma, the king...is going to be devastated."
"My family is devastated," he retorts caustically, "My ELDEST finally succumbed to his goddamn PAIN incapable of handing things as they were!"
The medic nods. "I will...handle the report right away. You all just...let me know when you want the ceremony, alright?"
"We will," Toma says heavily. Watching the medic draw the sheet over his son's prone form threatens to snap his emotions further as tears refill his dark orbs and spill. 'Oh, 'DITZ!' He heads out into the darkness but can't bring himself to go home. He hurt too damn much for that. Taking off, he heads to a secluded glade he and Bardock had met one another at one warm summer's night which would in nine months gift them a long-haired infant that stole their hearts with his first loud wail. He crumbles to his knees in that glade and lets out his anger and pain in a loud howling scream holding unfathomable pain and anger.
*~*Time Lapse~*~*
He didn't want to do it...the day was agonizing enough without him adding to their emotional burdens but he knew Raditz had meant for it to be heard...so he presses the button setting it on the table letting the sound of his son's voice carry and with it all the emotions that went into his words for each of them. Toma watches Bardock cover his mouth as his eyes fill with grief, his own tears forming listening to his son beg for their forgiveness for not measuring up, while Kakarot hides his face in Bardock's shoulder shaking from the force of his agony. He hears Turles's choked sound before watching Nappa squeeze his eyes tightly shut listening to his words and Prince Vegeta who curls into the others side shaking himself. Toma stares at the King who goes completely still whose grief was too palpable for words as he listens to Raditz's voice falter, as he listens to the grief and misery that had consumed the other. He watches that proud male cover his face as he sinks to the ground. "My son...never got the chance to know...that the weakness was NEVER his," he manages, "That there was NEVER anything WEAK about him. He fought with all he had...he TRIED to stop this. He just...had no more strength left when she dealt him that blow. He'd already lost everything else; his pride, his sense of safety, his sense of fairness in the world. And then...so close to regaining that...to have it stripped away out of his control was more than he could deal with. But for OUR sake, he tried to overcome it...he TRIED to face it down but his demons...got the better of him. Frieza broke his body...Ariaste crushed and killed his heart and soul. It...was only a matter of time before he gave up the struggle. It was only a matter of time that we would have been here ANYWAY. No matter...how much I would will it otherwise."
It is hard, watching that casket lower, knowing that this was what the end result would be. Toma feels his heart break more and wonders if his family would EVER heal from this. "T-Toma..." He turns hearing the Prince before the others clinging to him. He holds the smaller Royal to him.
"I'm so sorry, prince," he whispers softly, "I am so sorry that this got so bad."
"No one...ever apologized to HIM!" the other says hoarsely, "No one...ever told HIM that he...was the best of our people...that he epitomized the BEST of our race! Me least of all..."
"He knew how you felt, prince," Toma says quietly, gently, "He was proud to serve you."
"I was honored to have known him...and this...this was NO way for him to go."
Toma was sure that it went without saying that ALL of them agreed. He silently holds the prince stroking the others hair feeling his own emotions coming unraveled again. "He...couldn't go through with it." The words make Toma look at him. "The wedding...He couldn't...not after that. His advisers are furious. I doubt...he'll ever remarry."
"It was what put the last nail in his coffin," Toma says quietly, "I won't lie...even though without that there was little to no hope. His expression though...hearing that your father was remarrying...I knew before he walked for that door...that it was over, that his fight was over. I just...I wish so much was different."
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Giving up the Fight