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Tourniquet	By : DementedGosip Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 975 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 9
- 10
- 11
~*~Tourniquet~*~

The more I
laugh, the more it seems to hurt. I've got this terrible
feeling flowing all through my body now. It doesn't really affect me
from
doing anything; it's an icky throbbing pain that never ends, emotional
yes, but slightly physical. Like the emotional pain is starting to
control
and take over my physical.

I know Wufei
knows I'm not okay now. I've started crying as I laugh,
my arms wrapped around my stomach are now there to hold my body up.
Maybe
this is what Quatre felt like when he snapped? Too bad we don't have
our
gundams anymore; the ZERO system might clear some things up for me.....
But then again who knows how many people I would take down in my
journey
of self-discovery.

There's no use
trying, I'd only fail in the end anyway, I always do.

My laughter is
slowly but surely turning into sobs. It hurts, to breathe,
to move, fuck, even the tears on my face sting! Do we only know that
we're
alive by the pain we feel? Is that any way to live? Does everyone feel
like this, and I'm just weak, decided I just couldn't take it one day?
Maybe that's what it means to wake up on the wrong side of the bed....

"Heero? Heero,
are you alright?" What the hell kind of question is that?
Do I look alright?! Maybe if I just shut up and stop crying he'll go
away.
Come on now, just bite your tongue and stop the sobs! Right, now if I
could
just get my body to stop shaking..... "Heero?.... Heero, please say
something...
Are you hurt?"

But I don't want
to say anything. If I talk I'll start crying.... I'm
not strong enough.... Just let me be. I'm not worth the effort of
talking
to; I'm not worth it so go AWAY! Save yourself the pain Wufei, just....
Just leave.... If you keep asking me questions, my new mask might
break,
it's still so fragile.... If you stay here I might try more, just let
me
pretend, won't you? Just let me believe I'm strong, and that nothing’s
wrong, alright?

"C'mon, Heero,
let's go downstairs, I'm sure the others are wondering
where you are..." Wufei grabbed me by my wrists, pulling me, but I
didn't
bother to help. He realized I wasn't going to get up on my own so he
wrapped
his arms up around my upper torso, underneath my arms. He pulled me up
to my feet and then went to walk out, holding my wrist. But I didn't
want
to go, so I just stood there, like I had just sat there and let him do
the work. He turned and glared at me, but it didn't matter much. He
said
something, but I didn't hear him. I realized there was an intense
ringing
in my ears only when he spoke, I could see his lips moving, but heard
no
sound. I felt dizzy, and my throat was clogging up from crying, I
realized
then that I was going to pass out.

I hope when I
hit the floor, it hurts, because I feel hallow....

~oO@Oo~

When I had woken
up I felt strangely detached from everything. Like
I was living in a world through a glass box. I always felt like I was
on
the outside of everything, but now I felt strangely trapped on the
outside.
If I had to describe this feeling in depth I don't think I could, it's
just too far off from everything and anything.

I was lying in
my new bed, in my new room in Quatre's house. I couldn't
remember anything that had happened recently, just an uncomfortable
ache
that was all too common. A bout of self-loathing, anguish, physical and
metal pain all rolled up into a huge ball trapped inside me, being
eaten
at by the little sperms of guilt. You never know which one will go the
deepest and make the whole process snap. One day it all seems the same,
and the next I'm carrying a baby of guilt about something or another
that
will someday pop out of me violently and painfully. That must’ve been
what
happened before. I thought that it must have been something like that,
but perhaps I would have had to have been carrying twins, or more.

But I was just
laying here on my bed, thinking about what all had happened-what
got me where I was today. I remembered nearly falling to my death,
laughing
so hard it hurt and I couldn't take it anymore. It was then that I
realized
why I felt this way.

Looking down at
my arm I saw a medium sized hello kitty band-aid over
my inner elbow, a stark contrast to the rest of my skin. I felt
strangely
sick to my stomach at the sight, knowing that it had happened while I
was
asleep, totally incapable of protesting. That that was the reason I
felt
this way. And yet, as suddenly as the feeling had come, the drugs in my
system flushed it away; except it left the ball in my stomach. If I
have
to take any drugs at all, I'd like to take 'guilt-away' because then I
wouldn’t give a flying fuck. I could go put a bullet through my head
and
have no worries. J stopped me before with the oncoming threat of the
war.
Duo stopped me, no idea there. But next time-

*knock knock*

Shit. Oh well,
I'll just act like I'm sleeping.....

"Heero? Heero,
are you awake yet?" It's Quatre....

"Hai...." What
the fuck? I didn't want to say anything thing! I wasn't
even thinking about saying anything.... what the hell?! Is this stupid
fucking drug some kind of truth serum as well?! Fucking hell...... I'm
so.....dead........

"Great! We're
almost done with dinner, would you like to come down with
me now?"

"Fuck
no."..................... Alright, maybe this isn't so bad. What
the fuck am I saying?! Of course it is! I have no control, what so
ever!!!!!
I might as well walk over to the window and jump, but the damned drug
probably
prevents that too.

I couldn't see
his reaction, considering I really wasn't looking at
anything other than my hands which were only a few inches away from my
face. But I hope he was shocked as hell, I really do. "It's ok, Heero.
The anti-depressant in your medication probably just hasn't kicked in
just
yet. Don't worry, you'll be all better in no time, smiling and laughing
like I know you really want to."

"Fuck. You."
Smiling and laughing like I always wanted?! Who the fuck
do you think you are to tell me what I always wanted?! Fuck you and
fuck
everyone else in this god-damned house, there's no WAY in fucking hell
I'm getting up out of this bed. I'm so tired of this shit! I let myself
believe that just maybe I was going to be able to get over this on my
own,
that I could be that strong with a little help from Duo. But no, that's
been blown clear through the window. You and your god-damned sister
have
fucked everything up! Why can't you just let me be? Why?! I just want
to
do things on my own, my own way, in my own time. Is that really so
wrong?
Well?!

"Now Heero-"

"Go away,
Quatre. I hate you, so just go away." I'm not sure it really
hit him that I was completely serious considering everything I said was
even more monotone than it ever was before these damn drugs. Maybe I'll
get lucky and they'll have some strange side-effect on me and I can get
out of taking them.

Fuck, look at
me! I've only consciously been on the damn thing for *minutes*
and already I'm acting like it's been forever. What kind of fuck up
thinks
like this? Maybe I do need them; maybe I can't do anything on my own
and
my only hope in a needle.

"Heero, I'm not
going anywhere, and you'll just have to get used to
that. Now get up, we're going downstairs to eat dinner and in the
morning
you'll be going to your first therapy meeting."

My body wants to
get up, I can feel that, but I won't let it, I won’t!
Mind over body, right? I just want to lay here, I want to memorize ever
little speckle on these damned white walls. I won't let anyone order me
around anymore. I won't. I won't. I can't.

"Heero! Get UP!"

"No"

"Heero!"

"Quatre! Leave
him alone! Haven't you done enough?! Just let him be
damn it! If he doesn't want to go downstairs for dinner I'll bring
something
up for him. It's not so bad! Why can't you just let him try and be
happy
on his own, damn it?!!"

"Duo! He's never
going to get any better if you just let him do what
he wants to do! He's like a baby. You have to do everything for him,
even
if he doesn't want to do it!"

"Oh, is that so?
We have to do everything for him, huh? Well, then why
don't you stick one of those damned syringes in your arm and see how
you
feel! Why don't you take Trowa to weekly therapy?"

"You know what I
meant!"

"Jesus fucking
Christ, Quatre! What the fuck has gotten into you?! What
the hell did he do to you to make you act like this? All he needs is
someone
to stand next to him and hold his hand so he doesn't fall, he doesn't
need
to be doped up on all these drugs and ordered around like some
ingrate!"
I looked up at them, to see what all was going on instead of just
listening.
Why are they fighting over me like this? I can't actually mean that
much
to them, right? It's not possible that some stupid shit like me might
actually
have an impact on them....

"Yes, he does
Duo! How can you not see that? He's too deep for us to
help any other way! He needs the drugs and professional help! I'd put
him
in a hospital for a while if I knew you wouldn't throw a royal fit
about
it! This is a serious problem that needs to be fixed as soon as
possible!
What if he tries to hurt himself again?!"

"He's more
likely to hurt himself with the damned drugs going through
his system just so he can feel something other than a damned drugged up
numbness!"

"That's a lie!"
Because I can't feel....... I'm dead, the dead don't
have feelings.

"No, Quatre! The
only person lying here is you! You're lying to yourself!
Now get the fuck out of here and let him be for once will you?! Did you
EVER think that maybe he had reasons for feeling this way? That maybe
it
takes more than one person? No, I don't suppose you would." Duo pushed
Quatre out into the hallway and slammed the door shut behind him,
leaning
his forehead onto the wood for a moment.

"Duo?...." He
didn't say anything. He didn't even move, just stood there,
silent. I could hear him breathing and the slowly fading footsteps from
the hallway, but he never made a move, or a sound.

As little as I
talked, as little patience as I had for people who wouldn't
stop talking, I didn't like people not talking. I wanted Duo to say
something,
anything, as long as it filled up the silent void. It was okay for
everything
to be silent here, when it was just me. But when I was with someone, in
a situation like this, silence just didn't feel right. So I have to
think
of something to say, something to get him to talk. "Thank you."

Was that bad?
Should I have kept my mouth shut? He collapsed on the
floor as soon as I said it, it must have been wrong. "Oh
Heero...........
I'm so sorry... I don't know what's wrong with them all! Why would they
do this? What did you ever do?!"

"I.... I don't
know. I'm sorry Duo..."

"Stop
apologizing to me, damn it! You didn't do anything wrong!" He
snapped his head up and locked his eyes with mine. I suddenly became
very
conscious of my body, of my breathing, nothing was in sync now, just
from
one little look. Why is suddenly mad now? Did I do something again?
"Damn
it, Heero! Stand up for yourself and tell them not to give you any
drugs.
Go to the damned therapist and tell her that they fuck you up! How are
you supposed to 'get better' if your too drugged up to tell up from
down?!"

"Duo....... Why
are so interested in my life? If I'm being drugged up,
you should just be happy your not me, right?" I truly didn't understand
any of this. I thought he wanted to hurt me at first. Then I thought
that
just maybe he really cared about me...... But now.......

Jesus, I mean,
it hasn't even been a month yet right? How can so much
be happening so fast?! Shouldn't all this stuff have a week or so
in-between
at least? Shouldn't this take a long ass time?!! Why then, why is it
all
flying by faster than I can grasp?! It's making me wish I was back in
the
wars. At least I was in control slightly; at least I knew what was
going
on....... I was thrown for a loop at every turn or going the wrong way
down a one way street. Why is everything so fucked up now? Is this my
punishment
for killing so many in the war? If so, then I should have died when I
blew
up that chunk of Lebra..... None of this pain would have happened then.
I'm sure the others could have managed Mariemaia without me, right?

I'm being
selfish, aren't I? I can't even have self-pity and whatnot
right, can I? Such a fucking screw up......... Stupid fucking
idiot!......
"I'm such... a moron..."

"Heero?"

"I'm so
sorry.... I just can't do anything right, can I? I can't.....
I'm sorry... I just.... I'm so... sorry..."

"Heero, what are
you saying? You don't need to cry, you didn't do anything
wrong. I shouldn't have snapped like that...." Crying? Why is it I
never
realize I'm crying.... It's not like it's hard to know, and yet I never
know... I'm always crying and I never know... Just one more thing to
add
to the list I suppose.

"You didn't do
anything Duo. You're fucking perfect! I'm the screw up;
I'm always fucking it all up! Can't you see that? I'm not worth it, I'm
not worth anything! Just go on, just leave me and let me be drugged up
and get on with your life, I'm sure you'll find someone better. Go live
with Hilde. I'm sure she still loves you or something...."

I heard him
stomp closer, stopping right up next to the bed. He grabbed
my face and just glared at me for a moment. I must say, I was scared. I
wanted to back away into the wall of my bed. I just wanted to get away
from the touch. "Heero. Heero, you need to understand this. I. Love.
YOU.
And no one is going to stop me. Even you, there's no way in hell I'm
leaving
you alone to fight this war! You're stuck with me buddy, whether you
like
it or not." He's lying, he has to be, right? Why would anyone love
someone
like me? He probably wants to get out of this room as soon as possible;
he just won't now because I pegged it.

I turned my head
away, out of his grasp, "No, you don't."

He leaned down
towards me then, turning my head back towards him gently,
and surprisingly enough, he kissed me. Again. His lips were dry but
still
soft, it felt weird, really, but somehow I liked it. He wasn't asking
anything
of me or anything like that. It was just like he wanted you to be there
with me, for me. Maybe it's not him that doesn't love. Maybe my walls
are
so thick that I can’t tell him I love him back... I can't trust him
like
that, right?

I'm such a fuck
up. No, really, I am. I really am......... I find that
strangely funny for some reason...... I can't stop laughing, but it's
not
like before...

"Heero? Heero,
what the hell is so funny?"

"Nothing,
absolutely nothing....... I just..... I can't stop laughing...."
I feel kind of dizzy now, and my chest feels strangely empty, but it's
all so funny. This can't be normal.... Do you suppose the drug is
kicking
in more now? Is this how my days from now on will be spent? Laughing
when
I want to cry, eating when I want to vomit.... This is not what I want
at all… how can this help me? "Duo... Duo, hold me?" I'm so weak… this
is the second time I've done this...... But, I can't do this... It's
too
much, I should be laughing! I shouldn’t feel so insecure and yet I do!
I can't control anything, even my own fucking words are control by this
damned drug now, how fucked is that?!

He didn't say
anything, just crawled up onto the bed and wrapped his
arms around me. It felt nice, having a nice warm body to lean back
into.
It's not that I felt safe, but I felt..... warm? I don't normally feel
cold, or maybe it's that I don't normally realize that I do. But when
you're
put into a different environment you see the differences, you know?
Like
that saying, you don't know what you have until it's gone, except the
other
way around.

I still can't
stop laughing. Actually, it’s more like giggling right
now which is more than annoying. I just want to sit here and cry or
something,
and yet I'm giggling. I now have a strange urge to reach out and tap
Duo's
nose. How weird is that?

"Heero, you want
to get something to eat? I can run downstairs and get
us something. You really do need to eat, I don’t want you wasting away
on me after all."

"Alright... But
not too much, *giggle* I don't know what I can handle..."
This really sucks, I can't even say a sentence without giggling... I'm
going to beat the shit out of Quatre and his stupid sister as soon as I
can..

"Ok, I'll be
right back Heero. Right back." He went to get up and suddenly
I realized he had to leave to go and get food. I reached out and
grabbed
his wrists, pulling him back up into my back. Laughing still, but it
sounded
tight. "Heero, I have to get up to go get the food... That means you
have
to let go."

"I don't want
the damned food then...."

"Heero......."

"No!"

"Heero, what if
I want food?" What? Oh my god I never thought of that,
how fucking selfish! So of course as I started to feel VERY guilty and
all I laughed even harder. I pushed him away from me and looked down at
my hands. How could I....... I should have thought of that.

"I'm sorry..."

"No, it's fine
Heero really...... I'll.... I'll be right back, I promise."
I watched as he walked out into the hallway, closing the door only
slightly
behind him. As his footsteps faded down the hallway the door creaked
back
open slightly on its own, showing me just how alone I really was now,
without
him with me. I pushed myself back up into the corner of the wall and
still
on the bed and brought my knees up, resting my arms and head on them,
still
giggling. Well, if I never felt that I needed to be locked up, I do
now.
I'm about to fall and shatter into tiny little pieces again and I'm
laughing.
I do feel numb, like Duo said, but strangely enough it amplifies
everything.
And then it's like there's a second skin, a mask on the outside causing
me to laugh and smile when I want to scream and cry.

This can't be
what I need to make me 'better', right? This can't be
what I've been waiting for, wanting. Is that what you were trying to
tell
me, Duo? Is that why you always stand up for me?

God damn it, why
can't I stop giggling? This isn't me! It's not me!
I need it to stop, it feels like I'm itching all over and I'm going to
explode if I can't get this feeling to stop..... I need something....
Anything......

Grabbing a
pillow I shoved it onto my knees where my head had been and
then wrapped it around my head as much has possible. My breath was hot
in the cushioning of it, but that was okay. It soon got harder to
breathe,
which decreased the laughter..... And that was good. I don't want to
laugh,
not when I feel like screaming...

Come back,
Duo.... I can't do this by myself...

"Heero! Heero,
stop it!"

The pillow was
thrown away from me and luckily the giggling seemed to
have subsided mostly... I hate feeling so fake....

"Trowa.."

"Heero, what the
hell were you doing?"

"Couldn't...
stop the laughter.." I'm sure that sounded different than
it was supposed to.. Maybe he thinks I'm crazy now, hearing voices or
something.
But it doesn't matter, *he* doesn't matter to me. Only Duo does. Only
Duo.

"Heero, we're
only trying to help you, can't you see that? Just let
the drugs do what they need to, stop fighting them!" Fighting them? I
haven't
been, have I? How could I fight them, I've been sitting here laughing
my
ass off when really, I want to cry... That's giving in, isn't it? Isn't
it?! Why does everything have to be so damned confusing?!

"Heero, you
should come down to dinner with the rest of us. We're not
going to force you, but you're not going to get over this sickness if
you
hide away up here with Duo."

"What sickness,
Trowa? I'm not sick. I'm not."

"Yes, you are,
Heero. This is a serious disease!"

"Disease? No,
I'm not sick. I'm not sick at all. You are. You and you're
little boyfriend. You just can't let me be happy can you?! All I ever
wanted
was to be with Duo, openly, and when I finally start to be able to get
near that point, you fuck it all up!"

"You’re
delusional, Heero."

"No... no-"

"You can talk
about this with your therapist, because I don't care.
Don't talk to me until you can admit and realize that you're sick and
need
some serious help." What's going on here? Why do they all hate me so
much?
Sure, I tried to kill myself, but aren't people supposed to be nice and
try and HELP you get over things? Not push you down every time you try
and get p and ask why you're on your ass again?

I don't
understand any of this, not a single thing....

"Trowa, leave
him alone. He's gone through enough and he doesn't need
this crap from you too."

I listened as
Trowa walked out of the room, but Wufei never walked in.
After a moment I looked up. There was no one there. They were both
gone.
Perhaps they walked down to dinner together, but I never heard Wufei
leave.....
How odd.

"I don't
understand. Why are Quatre and Trowa acting like this?"

Why?

TBC
- 9
- 10
- 11
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Tourniquet