Live Without You?

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***Heero pried his eyes open blearily as he rubbed the sleep away. The room was dim; the only light the moon and stars. He tried to place what had awoken him. He’d been sleeping since earlier in the afternoon and wondered vaguely why no one woke him up to eat. He felt warm, not hot just warm, which was different from the normal frigid feeling he had all the time. He wondered through his haze of sleep if he were sick again. He didn’t think so, he felt pretty good actually. He was sore all over and still felt bruised along his ribs, most likely from walking across the room by himself earlier. He lay still against the mattress.
*Speaking of walking across the room…* he thought to himself as he realized he needed to use the bathroom. He rolled to the side to reach for the crutches that always lay next to his bed now, but his searching hands met only with warm flesh. He recoiled quickly, his mind racing. He tentatively reached out his hand again after a moment as if to confirm that he hadn’t dreamed that brief touch of warmth and living heat. He jerked back again as if burned, his breath quickening in his lungs, tremors shaking through his frame. A choked gasp tore from his throat as he slowly inched to his side of the bed. He shakily set on foot onto the floor as arms shot out to wrap around him tightly.
“Oh no my pet, you’re not getting away from me. My pretty little Angel Wings.” An all too familiar voice rasped in his ear.***

Heero couldn’t stop the scream of terror that tore from his throat as he sat upright. He clutched the blankets to his chest tightly as he broke out in soul-wrenching sobs.

“Heero?” Wufei said evenly from beside him, not touching the other boy for fear of upsetting him more. Heero’s head snapped around to look at him with wide, horror-filled eyes. He saw that Wufei sat next to him and quickly tried to contain his sobs. Wufei wrapped his arms around Heero’s shaking frame and pulled him close as he laid them back onto the bed slowly. Heero winced in pain from sitting up so suddenly, but otherwise was okay. “It’s alright Heero. You’re safe now, you don’t have to worry.” Wufei assured him. Heero looked around the room. It was later than usual and he still hadn’t eaten since earlier, but it wasn’t yet dark. Dim sunlight still filtered through the mostly closed curtains. Heero pressed his face against Wufei’s bare chest as his friend held him close. He cried brokenly and clutched at Wufei’s shoulders as the other boy slowly rubbed his back in long comforting strokes and nuzzled against the top of his head. He slowly relaxed and finally fell back to sleep as Wufei held him in the growing darkness.

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Heero woke up and yawned widely before he even opened his eyes. He blinked his eyes open after the fourth try and stared at the well-muscled chest before him. Heero realized that Wufei, who was still asleep, was holding him. He also realized that Wufei had his shirt off and that there was a black and purple tribal dragon staring back at him from across the short, sunlit space separating them. He traced the spiraled pattern lightly with his index finger as Wufei stirred.

“I didn’t know you had a tattoo.” Heero commented simply.

“I’ve had it for as long as I can remember.” Wufei told him yawning as well.

“It’s nice.” He complimented.

“Thanks. Duo says it’s him.” Wufei said laughingly.

“No, you’re the dragon, not him.” Heero said as he sat up slowly against the pain that still lingered in his hips and lower back. “He’s Shinigami.” He told the other as he repressed a slight moan.

“Did you always know that?” Wufei asked him and Heero gave him a puzzled look. “Did you always know that he was Shinigami?”

“Yes, he’s Duo. He says it all the time……you mean did I actually know he wasn’t bullshitting and he really was the God of Death?” Heero clarified and Wufei nodded in silence. “Not at first.” Heero told him.

“When did you realize…I mean we’re all Gundam pilots so it would stand to reason that he’d be able to do the mission, but really until you get to know him, he just seems so…so…” Wufei trailed off.

“Careless, hasty, irresponsible, reckless, odd, funny in the head, undependable.” Heero supplied smirking and Wufei chuckled. “We were on a mission together. Undercover school ops., hiding out and trying to gather info, you know what those are like.”

“Ah yes, joyful.” Wufei commented dryly, as they were normally very boring, very long missions and it was Heero turn to chuckle as he continued.

“Well I fucked up. Big time.” Heero told him realizing that at any point in his past he wouldn’t be having this conversation. Would never have admitted to having something go wrong on a mission without a very good reason, and small talk, was not a good reason. However now it just didn’t seem that important. He’d never do anything to give his friends away, but if they knew he wasn’t perfect…he didn’t care. He realized that they already knew. Perfect Soldiers don’t get caught, Perfect Soldiers don’t cry and he’d cried, a lot. Yet they all stayed with him. They’d looked for him, tried to save him even though he wasn’t the Perfect Soldier he’d always pretended, always wanted to be. They were his friends.
“We’re Gundam pilots. We’re stronger, faster, smarter, better than the average person.” He stated, he wasn’t being egotistical, he was merely stating a fact. “Well I drew attention to myself without even realizing it. I was good in math, I was good in science, I was good at sports. I was too good at just about everything, I was Perfect and it tipped Oz off. I was coming back from off-site recon and they ambushed me. They had three blindfolded hostages, innocents; there was no way I’d get to all of them in time, at least two of them would die. They had surrounded me, had their weapons trained on me. Thirteen of them total. They didn’t even want information they just wanted some violence. I took two down, but…it was pretty much a losing battle on my part. Next thing I know, I’m curled up on the ground, don’t remember getting there and I’m getting my ass handed to me. Duo comes literally out of now where as the two guys in my line of vision holding the hostages drop to the ground. I’m a soldier; I have been my entire life. I don’t know how to be anything else. I fight, I kill, its what I was made for…… But Duo…have you ever seen him fight? I mean really fight with the intent to kill the enemy, not just get information, not just rough someone up, but put an end to their life?” Heero asked and Wufei shook his head.

“He killed the soldiers blocking our escape route when we rescued you, but we couldn’t get a clear view, he was around a corner and it was over by the time Trowa ran a few steps down the hall.

“He’s like poetry, like liquid made flesh. He dances with Death. I’ve never in all my life seen someone move the way he does. There are very few people who can best me in a fistfight but I’d sooner face a legion of Oz troops in Virgo suits while on foot and wielding a butter knife, than have to fight Duo Maxwell.” Heero said appreciatively lost in thought as he remembered the past. “That’s why I went to him when I was hurt. You were closer to me, hell Trowa was on the moon at the time and he was closer, but I went to Duo. Because I knew that I’d be safe. I knew that no one would hurt me while I was with him.” Heero said softly.

“When were you hurt?” Quatre’s voice asked softly from the doorway and Wufei jumped in surprise.

“Winner! Don’t sneak around like that!” Wufei exclaimed. Heero merely tried not to grin at the Chinese boy. He’d heard and identified Quatre about 5 meters before he got to the door and had heard it open.

“Duo’s solo mission at Wesley Grands. I was there, but…I didn’t really do much. You and Wufei got the missions I was supposed to do.” Heero told him despondently as he looked at the sunlight coming through the half opened curtains.

“If you were hurt that badly why didn’t Duo take you to the hospital?” Quatre asked aghast.

“I wasn’t that injured.” He stated softly hoping Duo, whom he could hear walking up behind Quatre, wouldn’t hear him.

“That’s bullshit ‘Ro.” Duo stated tiredly and Quatre jumped in surprise, Wufei started as well. “And you know it.” He said walking past Quatre slowly and easing himself wearily into a comfy chair. “You could barely move, and walking from one end of the dorm to the other left you gasping for air.” Duo said disapprovingly. “I didn’t take him to a hospital because I didn’t want to.” Duo told Quatre crossly.

“Do you need anything?” Quatre asked recognizing his bad temper for what it was and he wasn’t offended. The mission had been harder than he’d thought and he was sore, tired, cranky and physically and emotionally drained.

“Shower, food, sleep. In that order please.” Duo asked politely, realizing his remark had been uncalled for. Quatre nodded smiling his gentle smile and Duo answered with one of his own tired smirks as the Arab boy turned away. “Shower.” He stated to the room at large, climbed wearily to his feet, and headed toward Heero’s bathroom.

Heero lay back in the bed tiredly and Wufei pulled him towards his chest gently, enfolding the shorter boy in his arms. Heero nuzzled toward his warmth with a contented sigh and promptly fell back asleep.

*He isn't really much different than when we first got him back. He won't be who he was, but...he should have shown some more improvement than he has. He's talking today and eating, but tomorrow he won't talk and won't eat unless we make him...* Wufei sighed softly as he tried to wrap his mind around the way his friend's mind must work. It wasn't a very comforting thing to do, it involved a lot of imagining what he must have been through, since he wouldn't talk about it.

Heero woke a short time later as the shower turned off and Duo, freshly washed and wet haired rebraided, exited accompanied by a billow of steam. Heero lay with his eyes closed, not wanting to move, content to just be held by someone he trusted. He gave a wide yawn, groaned, and forced himself to sit up as he heard Quatre and Trowa’s steps in the hall. Wufei looked at him, his gaze flicked to the other two pilots entering the room, then looked back at Heero.

“You can hear us coming can’t you?” He asked and Heero nodded. “That’s amazing.” Wufei told him shaking his head.

“Oooo oatmeal!” Duo exclaimed excitedly. “Quatre is a god-send!” he declared back to his old self. They all perched about the bed or on chairs pulled close by and started to eat.

“Ya know…Heero…I just realized that we always make whatever we feel like and never ask you what it is you want.” Quatre declared.

“I’ll eat anything.” Heero told him scooping out another bite of oatmeal.

“But what do you like to eat?” Quatre prompted.

“Mint-chocolate-chip ice cream.” He stated.

“What kind of real food do you like?” He asked.

“Hey, hey, hey! Ice cream is a real food.” Duo declared in defense of the sweet treat.

“No it’s not.” Quatre argued.

“Neither is oatmeal.” Wufei stated and they all looked at him.

“Yes it is.” Trowa joined the conversation.

“Not the way Quatre makes it.” Wufei told them. “This oatmeal would sink there’s so much brown sugar in it.”

“I like Quatre’s oatmeal!” Duo declared once more on the defense.

“I do too.” Trowa agreed.

“Yes well the two of you are sugar addicts.” Wufei argued.

“This from the man who goes into withdrawal seizures if he doesn’t have his Little Debbie®.” Duo chuckled.

Heero sat with Wufei on his left, Duo lounged next to his legs and the end of the bed, Quatre perched on the arm of the chair that Trowa was sprawled across. He listened to the sounds of their voices, the rise and fall of speech. Their laughs and good-natured jibes and he realized that this truly was heaven. Here with the four people he cared for, if he were honest with himself, the four people he loved most in all the universe.

“Oatmeal Good! Duo Like!” the braided boy grunted in a caveman voice as Quatre stuck his tongue out at Wufei.

He let the moment wash over him in a rising tide and he wanted it to go on forever. *This is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. Even if…even if one of us dies…I’ll always have these memories…this is my life, my…family. And I love it.* Heero felt himself over come with emotion and he couldn’t hold back his tears any longer. They rolled down his face silently, one after another. Suddenly the room grew quiet and Heero opened his eyes to see his friend looking at him in worry. He shook his head to say that nothing was wrong, but none of them got it. Duo looked stricken, frantically searching the conversation for what had upset him.

“This…this is just…” Heero choked out. “I’ve never…I…I’m very… Thank you. All of you.” Heero continued brokenly. Realization dawned on their faces suddenly and Duo moved to wrap his arms around Heero gently. “I…I don’t really know…” Heero gasped around his tears as Duo pulled him close and tucked Heero’s head under his chin stroking the other’s short hair. “I don’t mean to cry, I mean, I’m not upset, I just…”

“Don’t worry we understand.” Duo soothed and cut off his ramblings. “It’s okay to cry.” Heero slowly got himself under control and wiped away his tears.

“I like turkey and stuffing and gravy. And I like pimento spread sandwiches, with pickles. And I like cantaloupe.” He answered Quatre shyly, his voice barely above a whisper. “And I like soup.”

“That’s good because you’ve sure eaten a lot of it.” Quatre stated laughingly. They started a conversation again and the carefree, joyous mood returned.

~~~~~~~~~~There will be more~~~~~~~~~~~~