The SQUICK Files

Archive? You'd better.

A/U - Burn the negatives. Please...

POPO goes Hollywood

Everyone gathered at the Capsule Corporation conference room at the request of Goku. King Kai sent him a videotape outlining future enemies of earth, outlining their strengths and weaknesses. Bulma popped the tape into the machine and dimmed the lights.

Trunks nudged Goten. "Mom must think this is a movie theater."

Goten nodded, grinning. "Yeah. Too bad there's no popcorn..."

Vegeta shushed them. "Silly children. This isn't about entertainment!"

"Oh lighten up" Bulma waved her hand and took a seat.

"Let's see what our future projects are" Yamcha grinned. "I could use a good fight!"

Goku nodded, slamming his fists together. "Yeah...maybe we'll get another workout with someone like Cell!"

Piccolo stared at him. "Workout? Are you crazy?! He destroyed the world's militia and nearly blew up the earth!!"

"Yeah, but we could do that too. I'm talking about an opponent-"

"Will you guys quit talking?" Tien complained. "For Pete's sake-"

"QUIET!!" Vegeta bellowed.

Krillen pointed. "Yeah, this time I gotta agree with Vegeta. The tape's winding up..."

Master Roshi nodded. "Who knows, I may even be able to help-"

Gohan stared at him. "But Master Roshi aren't you a little...well, old?"

"I'm not too old to whip some punk butt, boy!!"

Everyone fell silent at the title on the screen...POPO'S PLEASURES. Weird guitar music sounded across a neon green background with pink letters.

"What the hell?" Tien gawked.

Goten glanced at his father. "Uh..dad? Are you sure this is the right tape?"

Goku made a face. "Ah..."

The scene played out in front of everyone. Kami putting on leather boots and a dog collar. Kami applying makeup...

"Gahh!!" Krillen gagged. "No way!"

Gohan looked at a flushed Piccolo. "Hey, I didn't know Nameks-"

Piccolo stared blankly at the screen. "Shut up, Gohan!!"

Bulma clicked her tongue. "Purple eyeshadow? That's ridiculous! He should try something more subtle, like green, with orange highlights."

Trunks dropped his jaw. "This is crazy!"

"Wow!" Goten pointed. "Look at those jeans Mr. Popo is wearing..."

Yamcha was hysterical with laughter. "Check out that ass. It looks like a balloon!"

"I'd rather not" Tien squinted in pain.

"Pathetic" Vegeta jeered.

****

The circus continued, with Goku getting angry glares from his friends.

Kami was whipping Popo and strapping him on a table. Goku leaned over and covered Goten's eyes.

"Goten, I want you to leave!"

"But dad, it's just getting really wild!"

"I don't care...you aren't looking at this!"

"For that matter, why the hell are WE looking at it?!" Krillen wanted to know.

Piccolo grimaced. "This can't be the right tape!"

Master Roshi slobbered. "Looks okay to ME!"

"Old freak" Gohan murmured.

Goku scooted Goten out and returned to his seat just in time to see the 'water fountain' maneuver.

"Cripes!" Tien covered his eyes in pain.

"Duhh...he's got THREE heads?!" Bulma stammered. "Damn, neat deal..."

Trunks grunted in disgust. "Yeah, and dragging on the floor...yuk!"

Goten peeped in the back door. "Dad, can I just-"

Goku jumped up and pointed. "OUT! IF ANYONE'S GONNA LOOK AT THESE PERVERTS, IT'S ME" he paused, realizing how his words sounded.

Trunks lifted an eyebrow.

"Uh, Popo's licking his nose...I thought only cows did that" Krillen gulped, his face pale.

"Yeah...that's almost as gross as Kami in spike heels" Yamcha gritted his teeth.

"Hn! At least he HAS a nose!" Vegeta smirked.

Piccolo pulled his turban over his eyes. "Let me know when this madness is OVER."

Krillen peered at Vegeta. "I hear Saiyans are pretty freaky. So tell me, why aren't you in this picture?"

"There's a market for bald guys in porn" Vegeta retorted. "Trolls are always in short supply-"

Krillen jumped up. "HEY-"

Master Roshi waved them to silence. "Now be sweet, boys. Can't you act more like Popo and Kami?" he pointed at the screen.

"Hell no, you old whack job!" Krillen made a slashing gesture.

The movie progressed to the part where Kami was pumping Popo from behind. Gohan sat in silence, his face white with shock.

Goku noticed, waving a hand in his face. "You okay, son?"

A pause. "I need asprin. Make it a whole bottle."

Popo exploded into pieces and Kami lighted up a roach. Tien laughed so hard he fell from his chair.

Yamcha leaned back, jaws slack in wonder. "Damn strange...I know people say they explode but not literally!"

Vegeta glared at his fellow saiyan. "Kakarot!!"

Goku shrugged innocently. "Don't look at me. I didn't make the movie-"

"You brought this abomination here in the first place!"

"Come on, Vegeta. It's got to be a comedy!"

"It's a joke, alright" Trunks winced in pain.

Tien was sore from laughter. "Kami's gonna bust a gut when he finds out we've seen this..."

"I've already busted a gut just LOOKING at it" Krillen complained.

Yamcha snickered slyly. "Yeah...Mr. Popo, prim and proper. Freak of the week is more like it!"

"Bah! If this is the guardian of earth this planet has no hope" Vegeta added.

Bulma winked at Goku. "Who's idea was this? Really?"

"Not mine!"

The blue haired beauty eyed him. "I didn't know you liked those types of flicks."

The saiyan glared at her. "Bulma, I'm telling you-"

"Has it stopped yet?" Piccolo opened an eye.

"Yeah, someone's taken mercy on us at last" Yamcha sighed in relief.

Krillen pointed at the screen. "Hey, they're smoking marijuana. Isn't that illegal?!"

Everyone stared at him.

"THE END" flashed in huge letters across the screen. More weird "head" music played, and then a picture of Kami seated at a huge desk appeared. He was smiling.

"YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHY I'VE GATHERED YOU ALL HERE TODAY. MANY ARE THE THREATS AND DANGERS THAT LOOM FOR EARTH IN THE NEAR FUTURE. HOPEFULLY AFTER REVIEWING THIS TAPE YOU WILL BE BETTER PREPARED-"

"Asshole!" Vegeta shouted.

"I HAVE FAITH AND CONFIDENCE IN ALL OF YOU. COME TO ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE TO HONE YOUR ABILITIES FURTHER. IF YOU NEED ANY FURTHER ASSISTANCE, CONTACT POPO OR KAMI. THE HYPERBOLIC CHAMBER IS AVAILABLE FOR THE NEXT THREE MONTHS."

"What the hell is he talking about?" Tien couldn't believe his ears. "He doesn't even know what tape he's on!"

"POPO HAS PREPARED THE CHAMBER SO THAT SEVERAL OF YOU CAN TRAIN AT ONCE-"

"This is ridiculous" Trunks glanced at Gohan.

"KAMI HAS INFORMED ME THAT ONE OF EARTH'S FUTURE ENEMIES IS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE BY APPROXIMATELY ONE YEAR..."

"We are not on the same channel, people" Krillen commented.

"...AND BECAUSE OF THIS, INITIAL PREPARATIONS HAVE ALREADY BEGUN-"

"Somebody cut that crap off already!" Piccolo yelled. "This stupidity is giving me a headache!"

Goku frowned."King Kai always had a bizarre sense of humor."

"So what happened to the real tape I wonder?" Trunks asked.

Piccolo folded his arms. "Knowing King Kai's jokes, there probably isn't one...this was planned from the beginning!"

Bulma turned off the machine. "What a shame...those two old guys tried really hard to entertain us."

Tien glared at her. _Airheaded ass._

"A truly disgusting display" Vegeta commented, frowning. "Crinklecooty?!"

"Lovechunk. Cuddlewunks?" Krillen shivered.

Tien made a face. "Poopy."

Goku scratched his head. "Snucklepoo? What the hell is that?!"

Yamcha held his nose. "Purple mound of plumpness."

Gohan stuck out his tongue. "Studmuffins?"

Bulma rolled her eyes. "Lovely Pile of Fat?"

Trunks shuddered. "Bloated ass. How romantic."

"Who does their dialogue, anyway?" Krillen wanted to know. "Talk about a total grossout!"

Vegeta stood to leave. "Thank you all for a wretched afternoon!"

"What a waste of good food" Goku commented.

Gohan gawked at him. "Dad, what are you talking about?"

"Popo's an eggplant. When he exploded you'd think Kami would make a salad or goulash out of him or something. Besides, it wouldn't hurt. Popo always grows another body."

There was a resounding crash as everyone fainted...

(High above, King Kai slipped on his spandex g-string and leather hood. Popo and Kami had invited him to booty call...)

THE END???