Furry Madness

Part 11


Eventually, Armstrong finished the pack of carrots and the cats were able to flee from Hughes and his magical appearing-out-of-nowhere pictures. The brothers discussed their conclusions with the Strong Arm Alchemist who nodded and sparkled proudly at them.

“I knew we could count on you, Elric Brothers! Your work is admirable!” He attempted to drop his hands on the boys’ shoulders but they evaded.

“Er, thank you, Major,” murmured Al.

“So,” Edward resumed, squinting against the onslaught of sparkles, “We figure we just need to have a word or two with her and she’ll be able to start changing us back. We’re catching a ride back with you Major to go settle this.” Al nodded to his brother’s words. “Everybody else can wait here for a little while. We’ll call if everything goes as planned.”

“We’re all going,” declared Roy, using his argue-and-I’ll-charcoal-you tone. “In less than twenty-four hours, my floors were scratched all over, catnip was crushed into an expensive carpet, a mirror was broken, things were gnawed on, fur was spread all over my house, along with a few feathers, and my electricity is out. I want everybody out of here, now.” He called - “First Lieutenant Hawkeye!” - and wasn’t surprised when she walked in almost immediately. “I believe you heard me. We’re leaving.”

Hawkeye tried to salute, which was a little difficult with her wings draped around her shoulders. “Sir.”

Hawkeye gathered the troops, waking up Breda and Farman and pushing them outside along with Fury. She found Havoc hiding behind the trashcan – well, half in it – and steered him out with the other. The woman ushered the four soldiers in a car and sat at the wheel, waiting for the others to lead the way. Breda took the front seat, the three others the back. The hamsters just went back to sleep, not really caring where they were or what was going on, but Havoc had to restrain Fury in his lap because the mouse wouldn’t stay still on his own.

“You can let go, I’m calm!” the youngest officer complained.

“You’re still gnawing on my uniform,” countered Havoc. “No munching on the hair either! Hey, hey, those are my ears!”

“Uh, sorry. My teeth hurt when I don’t bite things.” Fury tried to calm down but just couldn’t. Mice didn’t like being in a confined space with large, scary birds.

“Stop wiggling! And gnawing! I’m not a chew toy!” Exasperated, Havoc clamped a hand over Fury’s mouth. If asked, he’d reply his red face was due to anger and exasperation. It had nothing to do with the damn mouse boy wiggling in his lap and nipping at the side of his hand. Nothing at all.

The cats left with Armstrong, the three of them preferring to squeeze on the back seat rather than have to decide who had to sit in front beside the rabbit man. Alphonse was in the middle because, for some reason, Edward didn’t want to stand or sit anywhere too close to the Colonel. Al didn’t protest when Roy threw an arm around his shoulders, since there wasn’t enough space for the man to be comfortable otherwise, but it did irk Edward. With an irritated gold glare to Roy, Ed latched onto his younger brother possessively, his tail curling around Al’s. It wasn’t that Alphonse wanted to complain, but it probably would have been a much more enjoyable situation if his brother wasn’t so difficult about sharing.

As for Hughes, he had his own mean of transportation and was very glad for it. He also needed to drop his precious girl home before joining the rest of the zoo at headquarters.

The ride seemed longer for some than for others but everybody was glad to step out of the vehicles. Even Armstrong, because he really didn’t like to have his delicate ears bent by the cat’s low ceiling.

Since it was a Saturday, there weren’t many people around headquarters and they went undetected, which was a relief. They didn’t need mockeries. Roy might have lost his temper and burned anybody daring to say a word on their condition, assuming Edward wouldn’t have gotten to them first.

Hawkeye deserved her name. She knew Roy perfectly, and it included knowledge on his flirting moves. She was also familiar with the moves he pulled after he scored. He played with the secretaries often enough for her to have observed and noted every detail about his little games. It took Hawkeye a moment to accept it, but the way Roy’s hands lingered on Edward’s shoulder and the way he smirked to whisper something that made the boy huff moodily and blush were clear telltales. They were gestures of victory and she had issues with that.

“Sir,” the woman said when they reached their work area. “While the boys take care of their business with the Darkness Alchemist and we wait for Lieutenant-Colonel Hughes to join us, I would like to have a word with you.”

The blonde woman’s face was as expressionless as usual, but Mustang had a bad feeling about it. He snuck a glance around but couldn’t find an excuse to escape her. He sighed, “Very well First Lieutenant. Alphonse, Edward, go down there and speak to Darkness. Make sure she understands what you’re saying. If something goes wrong this time, I’ll have your tails.” Edward grumbled something about ungrateful jerks but Roy ignored him superbly, addressing his staff. “Everybody else, wait here and anybody who makes a mess with regret it. Don’t wander off either. Understood?”

“Yes, sir.” Breda was the only one who didn’t answer, already asleep on a desk.

The panther man turned and entered his office with the bird woman. The door closed with a click that reminded Roy of the sound Hawkeye’s gun made when she armed it. He tried to smoothen away any hints of nervousness that would encourage her before turning to her and politely inquiring about what she wanted to tell him.

“You slept with Edward,” she said, matter-of-factly.

O-kay. She knew. Roy judged that denying it would be bad for him so he had no choice but to admit. “I fail to see how that concerns you, First Lieutenant.”

Hawkeye narrowed her eyes at him and said, on that cold tone that frightened anybody into submission, “Sit, Colonel.”

Roy would usually obey to that tone - as would anybody who valued their genitalia - but not like this. Not by dropping to the floor to sit like a well-trained dog, almost sitting on his heels and arms stretched to have his curled fingers touching the ground between his bent legs. For a second, he even had his ears turned to Hawkeye, waiting for any other orders.

Mustang was the first puzzled. What the hell? He found the explanation and managed to give it out with a minimum of dignity as he picked himself up from the floor. “Darkness did inform me her panther was well-trained…”

Roy went to his desk and sat in his chair, feeling safer. He wouldn’t give Hawkeye the chance to make him do that again! Her panther was well trained, Darkness said. Did that mean he would roll on the floor if ordered too? Mustang did not want to find out. He tried to cross his fingers but couldn’t due to their paw-like shape. Instead, he just brought his paws close enough to make his claws click together and got ready for a painful lecture.

“You were saying, First Lieutenant?”

After shaking away her stupor and stifling whatever emotion – dismay or amusement – the sight of the Colonel sitting on the floor might have roused in her, Hawkeye firmly planted a hand on the desk and leaned toward her superior. “Edward has yet to reach seventeen, Colonel. I would have thought you knew better than to seduce a minor.”

Roy fought to keep his ears from lowering contritely under her frightening gaze. “You
assume I made the first move.”

“You had that book.”

Mustang cleared his throat, clearly embarrassed on that one. “But I did nothing about it. I truly did believe he had made an advance on me with it, but preferred to wait. I did notice he was only a child. I have more morals than you give me credit for.”

“Then, last night?” demanded Riza. A thought crossed her mind. “Alphonse will not be pleased.”

Again, the Colonel did not feel very at ease. To admit or to withhold? Unfortunately, Edward would have no qualms about telling everything should Hawkeye press him for details. Lies did not sit well with Hawkeye. Why were all the options so dreadful? mourned Roy to himself.

The Colonel braced himself, “Oh, Alphonse won’t kill me. He knows.”

“He does?” Hawkeye was surprised. She would have expected Al to be fiercely jealous of his brother the same way Ed was of him.

“He…was there,” explained the man. He quickly added, as her expression shifted, “They started it.”

The woman was obviously making efforts to keep her cool and not wipe her gun out immediately. “You are telling me, Colonel, that Edward and Alphonse seduced you?”

In his nervousness, Roy just spilled everything. “I happened to stumble on them. Alphonse invited me.” The mere idea of such a situation struck Riza speechless long enough for Roy to add, “We were a little affected by the catnip I believe.”

Hwkeye regained her footing, demanding, “You were drugged too?”

There was a weak whimper. \"You can\'t expect a man to say no to a pair of blond siblings.\" Roy knew he was just sinking the ship faster at this point but he couldn’t help it. Hawkeye was scary. \"They\'re not kids! They very mature and experienced and -\"

\"Colonel.”

Roy fell quiet and shrank in his seat. He didn’t think he was going to make it out of the situation in one healthy piece. Right at this moment, he wouldn’t have been above hiding behind Alphonse. Hawkeye never tried to kill Alphonse – or not on purpose. Life was unfair.