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Lonely Desire	By : Petya Category: Gundam (all others) > General Views: 12076 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Gundam series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 10
- 11
- 12
Pairings: Athrun x Kira, Dearka x Yzak

Disclaimer: I don't own anything of Gundam
SEED. : ( I am just borrowing the
characters and the universe.

Warnings: NC-17. This fanfic contains
male/male relationship(s).

Comments: OK, I know I take long time
but it will probably continue like this, because university drains me out and I
can hardly find time to type. But I will try to post a chapter every week. Ok,
read and please share your opinions. It is so good to see a proof that someone
reads my drabbles. If there is something that you don�t like or don�t agree
with, let me know too.

Chapter
ELEVEN

A Look
Inside Yourself

�Kira! KI~RAAA~~!�

Those words
shook the warm welcoming world Kira was in.

It was a nice
place. White and warm, but not white the way a hospital is � intimidating,
hostile and cold. No, it was a place where one would be willing to stay
forever. It was a place where love was everywhere, the calm unconditional love
of a mother towards her child, and there was snow constantly falling from the
sky, but the snow was not cold, no, it was soft and nice and it felt so right.
And most of the time he had company. His friends would come to him to talk.
They told him how much they loved him and how important he was for them. But
then they all went on how he should be coming back to them, when it was them
who would leave. That was strange, but he didn�t mind a lot, since they would
come back, they always came back.

And Athrun
was with him almost all the time. And he would talk about how much he loved
him, how he wanted to share his life with Kira. That was the best of all. Kira
knew that here they could be together if they wanted to�

�Kira! KI~RAAA~~!�

But those
words shattered that peaceful world. The snowflakes that used to caress only
moments ago would now sting. Only now did Kira notice he was naked. And his
feet started to freeze. His hands embraced him to keep the warmth from going
away, but to no avail.

�It is
your fault!�

Kira
recognized the voice. He would always recognize it. Athrun� But why was his
friend telling him something was his fault. Had he wronged?

�It is all
your fault!�

He wanted to
ask what he had done wrong but the words wouldn�t come out of his mouth. All of
a sudden he couldn�t talk. He was freezing and he couldn�t move at all. What
was going on�?

�Give him
back.�

Kira wondered
what had happened. Had someone died�? The desperation in the words could only
be due to some dire situation� He had to help Athrun, he needed to move, but
his soul was trapped in his unmoving body. He willed himself to move straining
all his might, putting all his being into the effort to just make one single
movement, yet nothing came of it�

� You killed
him!�

The words
hurt Kira but not as much as the tone itself. Only once had Athurn used it
before. It stirred his memory�

* flashback *

�Omae
ga Nicol�Nicol wo kuroshita!� [You� You killed Nicol!]

�

�Ore ga� omae wo utsu!� [I� will kill you!] The Aegis came flying towards him
the beam-sword cutting his shield hand then ripping through the cockpit.

�ATHRUUUN!�

�KIRAAA!�

The MS
changed into MA-mode and trapped him then tried to fire its Scylla energy
cannon but the power was not enough and the PS went down.

Seconds
later Kira saw Athrun leave the suit and it dawned to him� it would
self-destruct�and it did� everything went off focus� the light was unbearable�
then it was gone and his mind left him�

* end of
flashback *

Was Athrun
still blaming him for Nicol�s death. Maybe he was� He had not forgiven himself
for killing the boy. But he had thought at least Athrun had forgiven him. He
had never thought his friend would forget. Neither did he ask him too. Kira
didn�t forget Tolle either, yet he had stopped accusing the blue-haired
Coordinator long ago. Obviously it was not the same with Athrun�

Athrun stood
staring in the curtained window to the room where Kira might be fighting for
his life that very moment. And all because of him� He had put him in danger.

�The fact
is that if there are no physiological reasons for his condition, then the
reasons might be psychological.�

Psychological�

�But if
you notice him reacting to something you say or do, try to remember what it
was, since it is possible that the cause of his discomfort is shock or stress.�

Shock or stress�

The words echoed
in Athrun�s mind. Shock� Stress� It had been five days of waiting, of pleading,
of hoping that Kira would open his eyes. That the lids covering the perfect
transparent amethysts would lift and reveal the sparks he had seen the last
time he had stared in those eyes. They had glowed with love, passion and
pleasure. Now they were not even moving. He remembered that Erica-san had
mentioned that Kira�s sleep � they had agreed to call it sleep � was of
non-REM[1] type. He was not dreaming, or if he dreamt it was so deep that his
eye-reflexes were not involved.

The sweet
memory of that night five days ago replayed in his mind.

* series of
flashbacks *

�Mata�
kimi wa� boku no yume no naka ni�� [Again� you� in my dream�]

�Anata ga
hoshii�� [I want you�]

�Hontou wa
kimi desu ka?�

�Chigau
yo! [It�s not that!] I� I am not sure what should I do, to give as much
pleasure as you give me��

�I want to
see you.�

�No, I
can�t take� It�s so hot� Such heat� your lips� I want��

�Are you
ready, Kira?�

�H-hai. I
am.�

�One day
I�ll make you feel as good as you made me. I want to feel you too��

�Suki da
yo, Kira! Ima, kimi wa ore no da!� [I love you, Kira. Now you are mine.]

�Ai� Zutto
ni�Ai��

* end of
flashbacks *

Only now did
Athrun notice the one thing he had missed so far. Not even once had Kira said
his name during that night� Not even when he reached his peak� The only name
that he ushered was Ai�s�

Had Kira
really been aware what had they shared? Did he realize it was him � Athrun �
that was making love to him�?

�No, I
can�t take� It�s so hot� Such heat��

Were those
words of passion or were they words born from the fever? And if it was the
latter would Kira remember what had happened that fateful night? And if he
didn�t should he tell him or should he start anew pretending that it was all a
dream?

�It�s so
hot� Such heat��

Those words
ripped him apart. Their meaning could signify the difference between a mutual
enjoyment of the act of love they shared that night and a rape. Because if Kira
was unaware of what he had been doing, if he had been feverish, there was no other
word to describe what he had done to him�

Athrun�s
hands shuffled his hair and then clenched into fist pulling the strands. He had
to know, yet he feared the truth� What if�?

Cagalli,
Lacus, Yzak and Dearka watched Athrun as he walked around the corridor his fist
clenching and unclenching, his face strained. They saw him pull his hair in
desperation.

�What
happened with Kira? Why� I mean how� did this happen?� Lacus was curious what
had caused the change in Kira�s condition. This was the question they all
wanted to know the answer to, yet Yzak kept silent. It was not him who had to
answer to that one, so he ignored it as he did with all the other variations of
it during the last � he checked his watch � had it only been 15 minutes since
the machines went wild beeping and flashing scaring him out of his mind. He had
no idea what was Athrun going through. He had to be blaming himself, afraid
that he had hurt his beloved. The platinum-haired Coordinator looked at the
person that was the center of his universe and wondered how he would feel if he
lost Dearka. He would die inside. He knew it. He would continue to live, but he
would be nothing but an empty shell� And that was what Athrun feared would
happen to him.

Yzak was not
one to show the depth of his feelings openly but now he wanted to touch Dearka,
to feel his warmth, his presence� He went to him and without a word embraced
him strongly and whispered in his ear. �I love you, Dearka, I love you! You
know that, don�t you?�

His lover and
friend returned the embrace. He didn�t need to ask why his had usually reserved
lover suddenly acted so out of character. He was afraid too. That what was now
happening to Athurn might somehow come to strike them. So he held him tight and
whispered back �I know. And I love you too. Never doubt that. Never!�

They stood
like that for a second before they separated and acted as if that intimate
moment had never occurred.

Lacus and
Cagalli didn�t comment. The pain was something that was tearing all of them
apart.

Cagalli was
tired of being strong. She needed to relax a bit. No one cared how she felt.
Unlike the others she had to run all her usual errands as ORB�s Representative,
even if she had taken the week off. But since she was in the city she had to
resume her duties. She had to make sure no one noticed her personal problems,
her concerns, her fear. She loved Kira. It didn�t matter that she had only
known him for 2 years, she had grown to love him even before she had found out
he was her twin-brother. And now he was there, in that room, probably fighting
for his life� And neither her being the most influential person in the country,
nor his Coordinatorship were of any help. What if he died�?

And no one
seemed to remember that they had an appointment they could not avoid and it was
only a week from now�

Lacus watched
everyone and wondered how Kira�s �sleep� had affected them all.

Yzak, who
only joked about his feelings towards Dearka in the presence of other people,
was now holding on to him as if afraid that he might disappear and so did the
blonde.

Athrun who
had been strong after the tragic losses of his mother, Nicol and even the
betrayal and consequent murder of his father, had now almost fallen apart at
the mere prospect of losing his beloved. She wondered why she had never seen
how deep Athrun felt for Kira. Was she blind or was he really good at hiding
his feelings. Did the brunet love him back? He had been so cold and indifferent
after he had heard the blue-haired boy�s message that fateful eve, yet she knew
something must have happened later in the night, Athrun�s actions indicated it.
But what?

Cagalli � she
was trying her best to juggle with her personal problems, ORB�s management and
looking as the calm and smiling princess that the press adored. They had all
kept Kira�s condition secret from the press, or things would have turned even
worse. But it was actually Cagalli who met them every day and had to keep face.
And Lacus didn�t doubt for a second that Cagalli remembered about that damn
ball the six of them were supposed to attend in 7 days.

She herself
had forgotten but the boutique she usually bought her clothes from had sent her
the dress she had chosen for the event with the corrections needed.

It was
strange, but it was as if she was the only person who was sure Kira would be
all right. She didn�t know how or why she knew it, yet she did. But when she
had tried to tell the others they had only assumed she was giving them and
herself hope.

But she was
sure of it. This was the thing that had made her and Kira think they loved each
other, until they realized it was something deeper. They could feel the other,
even if the word �feel� was not entirely correct. This was not a connection and
it was not constant, but sometimes it just came as awareness of the other. Like
for example now. She knew Kira had been fine till only a few minutes ago, but
something had happened � something only Athrun and Yzak knew � and that had
changed the brunet�s condition. But she couldn�t say how. The moment his state
altered she lost �awareness�, so she had to wait for Erica Simmons or till it came
back.

Erica Simmons
watched the monitors as she worked. The EEG had finally shown cortex activity
but it was as frantic as if the boy in front of her was working on a hard
problem. The basic metabolic rate had slowly started to return to its normal
stats, but she now faced another problem. The sudden shock that had caused the
�awakening� of the brain cortex now obviously alarmed the body of its
temperature and Kira-kun was freezing and shivering. They had already started
to infuse warm liquids and had used special blankets that prevented the body
from losing warmth, but they had to tie the boy to the bed to ensure that he would
not get the needles out of his veins. It had been a nightmare till they caught
a vein with all the shivering and the constriction of the peripheral
blood-vessels.

She was still
unaware of what was going on with the brunet. He was in SEED-mode even after
all that time. It was amazing yet its meaning eluded her. And not only its�
Everything about the boy had been a mystery from the very beginning� And it
made her feel helpless and ignorant.

She looked at
the boy again � tied, freezing, still sleeping. And there was nothing more she
could do to help him. She left a nurse to keep an eye on him and went out to
inform the five youths in the corridor about the development of their friend�s
condition and to ask what led to it.

�Sir, did you
get the report from today?� the blonde asked when he entered in the apartment
they used as headquarters.

�Yes, I did.�
was the curt reply. Then he added in a low voice, �I guess they still have not
found out�� He smiled to himself.

�Sir, there�s
change in his condition, he is going to wake up soon, or so did that Simmons
woman tell those five.� The blonde reported.

�OK,� the man
thought a little and added �then I want you to get me a blood-sample from him.�

�But sir, why
now, we could have done it more easily when he was in deeper hibernation� The
black-haired boy tried to question the order, but his partner stopped him.

�Learn
respect, Shinn!� hissed the blonde.

�Let him
talk, Rey.� said their superior. �Shinn, I know you are right, but what I need
was not there three or four days ago. It might still not be there, for different
reasons, but I can�t afford to wait any more.�

�Get me that
blood-sample. And don�t get noticed�

A/N: [1] REM = rapid eye
movement � usually occurs when the person sleeping is dreaming. The sleep has a
REM and non-REM phases.

I included Shinn and Rey as you
have found out. I suppose you got that even before when I described their hair
colours some chapters ago. But I am definitely not including any Destiny plot in this fic. I might use some characters, just to get my revenge on them. It's not that I hate Shinn or Rey that much, but I am a bit unsatisfied with the way they were developed.

@AsuKira: Seems that it is
easier for me to write angst, or I simply like them to suffer. I am so cruel to
Kira, even more than I am to Athrun as you will soon find out.

@Yami Jay: Well, he gets guiltier
here. But he is so sweet when he angsts.
- 10
- 11
- 12
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