Live Without You?

“Heero go ahead down this hallway and take the second door on your left.” Wufei instructed as he saw Duo coming quietly from another direction.

“Okay.” Heero said hesitantly slipped his shoes off now that he was inside again and limped away, not noticing Duo.

“So this is your great plan. Tell him what to do and order him around like a slave!” Duo stated crossly. “Its great that you’re getting him to do things but you can’t treat him like some….some…”

“Like a soldier?” Wufei said evenly. “He’s been trained as a pilot since he was like seven. Heero’s always had someone telling him what to do. Whether he knows it or not, he needs the comfort, the security of being told what to do and doing a damn good job at it. J told him what to do, then Valin. He traded one bastard for another! Then we get him back and he’s not sure what he wants to do or what he should do. And it throws him off; he can’t make his own choices Duo. He’s been trained not to. He’s been trained how to make the right choice in a combat situation, but it’s all things he’s been taught. I’ll tell him what to do and let him make his own choices as he gets comfortable with doing so.” Wufei told his lover before he could continue further. Duo blinked at him.

“Wow, Fei. That’s really smart. It’s astute and…now that I think about it, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, so to speak.” Duo told him. “I hadn’t realized that…well I mean…” he trailed off. “I know you wouldn’t ever hurt Heero, I just didn’t want you to…you know what I mean?”

“Of course I know what you mean.” Wufei said and pulled him into a tight embrace. “Sometimes I can be a very forceful person. And I can get carried away in my single mindedness once I get set on something.” He stated as Duo hugged him back. “Now let’s go eat breakfast.” Wufei said as they walked. “I want you and the others to talk to him and don’t take a head bob as the answer, if he nods just ask the question again.”

“Okay.” Duo agreed. “But…do you think this will work?” he asked hesitantly. “I mean…He’s been through a lot of shit we can’t even begin to understand…” Duo murmured sadly to his love.

“Well…I know that he thinks he’s not worth anything. I know he feels ashamed and disgusted at himself, like he doesn’t deserve to be loved. He feels like he’s the one to blame for what that Valin bastard did to him. Like he’s been bad and it was his punishment. We need to show him that he’s not going to be punished for those things and make him feel safe and loved.” Wufei explained as they walked.

“How do you know that?” Duo asked surprised. “I mean, yes we want to make him feel better, but how do you know how he’s feeling? He won’t talk about it.”

“He told me he didn’t deserve to be loved.” Wufei responded.

“And from that you figured all the rest out?” he asked to clarify.

“Well that and the way he acts on a bad day.” Wufei stated.

“I don’t get it…” Duo shook his head.

“He won’t look at anyone or talk. If he does he gets this panicked look in his eyes and cringes away from physical contact like he’s going to be hit. Like he’s going to be punished. The rest is just normally how someone who’s been sexually abused will feel.” Wufei explained softly as they drew closer to the breakfast room. Duo stopped short.

“How do you know what someone feels like after they’re raped?” He hissed and Wufei turned to look at him in surprise. The braided boy’s stance was tense, his eyes dark, his jaw and fists clenched tightly in anger. At first Wufei thought he was mad at him, but realized that, that wasn’t the case. He wrapped his arms gently around Duo’s waist and leaned his head against the other’s shoulder.

“Because I’ve been reading up on the subject ever since we got him back and psychology is the only class I’ve ever paid attention in.” Wufei told him in reassurance. Duo let out a ragged sigh of relief and hugged Wufei tightly.

“Wufei…” he whispered against the dark hair and held him as if he’d disappear if he let go. “I love you.” he stated softly, his voice breaking.

“I love you too.” He whispered and hugged back. They held each other a moment longer, then went to eat with the rest of their family.

~~~~~~~~(Three days later)~~~~~~~~

**When Heero woke up he was laying on a filthy, tattered mattress on the floor of a concrete room. He tried to pull himself against the wall but found himself suddenly pinned down by strong hands. He screamed aloud as a man thrust into him roughly, sending pain shooting through his stomach and lower back. He whispered a single word as he climaxed inside Heero’s bleeding body.
‘Slut’
Then another plunged deep inside him and whispered into the shell of his ear as the disgusting warmth of the man’s seed coated his insides.
‘Tainted’
‘Whore’
‘Bad’
‘Bitch’
‘Worthless’ Over and over again they came inside him and told him his worth, until he could take no more.**

His strangled gasp hardly broke the stillness of the room as he sat trembling in fear and self-loathing. The ghost like memory of pain ached within his bones. Dirty, gods he felt dirty. He climbed to his feet unsteadily and staggered the short distance to the bathroom. He left the light off, hating the harsh glare of it. He always felt safer in the darkness now; lights meant people were around him. If it was dark then the soldiers were gone. If it was dark then his Master wasn’t with him. He was locked in his tiny, filthy cell and no one was there to hurt him. He reached for the porcelain sink to steady himself and jumped in shock as a tinkling crash met his ear. He stood frozen a moment, swallowing around the lump in his throat.
*The glass…* he thought to himself remembering the glass that sat on his sink waiting to be filled with water. He heaved a sigh and shuffled toward the light switch to clean up the broken shards from the tile floor. He squinted against the too brilliant glare a moment as he swept the glass shards into the small trashcan with a wad of tissue paper. He stood to place the trashcan back where it belonged and caught his reflection in the large mirror over the sink. He let the trashcan thump loudly back to the floor. His shaking fingers brushed the polish surface of the reflective glass as his gaze traveled unwilling over his face. Pale cheeks too gaunt, eyes sunken and ringed in black. He leaned closer to his image. A scar bisected his right eyebrow and down his temple, another travel along his jawline. His fingers traced the path of the scars over his reflection, down his neck to a thicker, wider scar along his jutting collarbone. Here his vision was stopped by his nightclothes and shaking hands rose to pull the clothing off without any conscious thought. The body warmed fabric pooled on the cool tiles by his feet. His ribs could still be seen as a series of plateaus and valleys along his sides, his arms looked thin and bony, his wrists almost unbearably narrow and fragile looking. His long-fingered hands splayed against his chest to brush along the multitude of scars that littered his frame. His eyes trailed back to the scar over his eye. A man had backhanded him and a wedding ring he’d worn had gouged his face. The scar along his jawline was from his Master threatening to cut his face off. He shuddered violently at that memory and others as he went over the list of injuries that had scarred his flesh. Whip, fire, knife, open fracture, broken bottle, lead pipe, gun shot, baseball bat, teeth marks. He hated it! Hated how he looked now. He looked like someone’s used up little whore.
*Fitting really,* he thought bitterly. *I feel like a used up whore too.*
He spun around in a panic suddenly, searching wildly as the high-pitched grating laughter of his Master filled the room around him.

~*~*~*~
Coherent thought suddenly came back to him as icy cold water splashed down on him from above. He gasped aloud as the stinging cold bit into him and looked around himself in the now darkened room. He was in the shower and the water was on full-blast cold. He was freezing and his hands shook violently and slipped on the cold-water knob as he reached to shut it off, only the cold wasn’t on, the hot water was turned on all the way. At some point he’d taken off his pants and he climbed now naked out of the tub to land in a heap in the puddle that covered the floor. He tottered to his hands and knees, struggling for breath around the ache of pain that settled in his hip from the cold. He felt something was wrong with him but he just couldn’t figure out what it was. His shoulder bumped into the wall and he braced his hands against it to help him stand to his feet. His knees buckled under his weight as he scrabbled uselessly against the smooth wall for purchase. He felt himself start to fall and tucked himself into a half roll by impulse alone. He landed with a crunching sound and felt pain all along his shoulder where he landed. It was his right shoulder and he feared for few brief sickening moments that he’d dislocated it again. The thought of how much it hurt to have it forced back in made him feel mildly nauseous and he shifted carefully to see how badly he was damaged. Something gritted against his flesh, pressed between him and the floor. He pressed a hand against the floor to push himself up and winced as he realized that there was broken glass all over the floor around him. He struggled to his hands and knees again and crawled carefully across the floor and he began to realize that his head ached immensely and feared he may have hit head in the shower. He wanted to just curl up lay on the cold tile floor and wait for someone to come but the rational side of him side he needed to be certain that he didn’t have a concussion first. Then came the passing thought that if he really wanted to sleep on the bathroom floor he might not be so well off and had better find someone fast. He made it out of the bathroom without shredding his hands or knees too badly and staggered to his feet, carefully using the dresser to pull himself up with. He swayed a moment but then, remarkably, stabilized and staggered toward the door. He made his way down the hallway with one simple thought in mind, an instinct really. He was hurt, Duo would protect him. He made it to the end of the hallway and around the corner to his ex-lover’s room. For him, it was a long walk on a good day, about 100 meters away. His hands fumbled with the knob to the room a moment before he could get a good enough grip through the blood soaking his hands to turn it. He practically fell into the room once he got it to swing open.

“Duo!” He croaked out loudly from the carpeted floor. “Duo!” He demanded with a bit more force.

“Heero?” he heard a concerned voice break over him and reached an unsteady hand toward the voice. A light clicked on and irrational panic seized him. He curled himself into a tight ball against the brightness. “Heero!” Duo almost shrieked. “What in the hell happened?!” Duo exclaimed as he rushed over.

“I think I hit my head.” Heero mumbled as warmth spread through his body from Duo hands against his bare skin.

“You’re freezing!” Duo exclaimed worriedly.

“Let’s dry him off and get him into bed.” He heard Wufei say as a soft towel ran over his skin.

“Master…” Heero murmured and tried to rise to his knees. “I’m sorry.” he apologized fearful.

“It’s just us Heero, its okay.” Wufei assured him. They dried him off, picked pieces of mirror glass from his hands and knees, and slipped him under the covers propped against the headboard, as Duo lay down next to him to get him warm.

“Tell us what happened.” Duo prompted gently in concern.

“Shower…” He stated simply and trailed off.

“Heero what happened?” Wufei asked again in a serious voice as he moved back from the bathroom with a med kit.

“Nightmare.” Heero’s words slurred and he shuddered at the memory. “In the shower…”

“You had a nightmare in the shower?” Wufei asked as he got out some bandages and gauze and antibiotic ointment. Heero shook his head and took a few deep breaths to steady himself and clear his head.

“No, I had a nightmare and wanted to get in the shower, but I knocked the glass off the sink and then I…” He trailed off.

“Then what?” Wufei asked gently recognizing his unsure, hurt tone of voice.

“I saw myself in the mirror.” He whispered softly, lowering his head to let his hair hide his face, hide his shame. “I saw my body.” Heero forced out between clenched teeth as his hands fisted in the sheets. But for all that he had to force the words out, he couldn’t have held them back either. “I heard him laughing at me…I…I broke the mirror…” He told them as he began to piece together what had happened as his disorientation cleared. Wufei grasped his left hand gently and turned it palm up. Heero looked at his forearm a moment as realization sank in.
“I cut myself…” he told them his voice distant. “It hurts. I just wanted it to stop hurting…I just…I want it to stop.” He whispered desperately as Wufei began tightly bandaging his wrist. “I don’t…” he trailed off as he struggled to find a way to explain what he felt. “It’s hurts.” Was the only desperate explanation he could give.

“It aches inside.” Duo’s voice broke softly over him. “It aches in your heart and you don’t know how to make it better, but if you’re body is in pain it dims the ache in your soul a little.” Duo said quietly and Heero nodded his agreement. “Heero sweetie that’s not a good way to fix it though. You can’t hurt yourself okay? You need to talk about it if it hurts too bad. Talk to one of us, understand? All of us, we’ll all listen to you.”

“They hurt me.” he whispered hoarsely as tears began to flow down his cheeks. “I tried, I really did try not to be afraid, but I…if I’d know Valin was going to capture me again I would have shot myself.” Heero hissed and felt Duo’s body stiffen behind him at these words.

“He’s dead now.” Duo assured as he nuzzled the back of Heero’s neck gently. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. No one will ever hurt you again.” He vowed.

“Don’t!” Heero barked out. “Don’t promise something you know you can’t give! I know that you’ll protect me as much as you can but you can’t be with me all the time. Don’t feel bad about the rain Duo.” Heero told him softly not wanting to be a burden more than he already was. Duo nodded silently.

“Lets try to catch some more sleep.” Wufei suggested now certain that Heero’s head was fine and he’d stop bleeding, he’d have a knot and another scar, but that was all. They all climbed into the bed together, Heero sandwiched between the warmth of his two friends’ bodies. Duo pressed along his back, Wufei curled up facing him. He laid awake, part of him shivering in fear at having people so close to him and part of him sucking up as much of their heat as he could. More than just the physical heat though, the feel of someone next to him, living breathing, hot. He knew they wouldn’t hurt him, he knew it like he knew the sun would rise, but he still couldn’t shake the irrational fear that he was going to be abused. He began to shiver violently.

Duo shifted suddenly and sat propped up on one elbow. “Heero we’re not going to hurt you.” Duo whispered to him and laid a hand onto his shoulder.

“I know.” Heero whispered as he tried to calm himself.

“Its okay. You’re safe.” Wufei told him and pressed a kiss against his forehead.

“Why do you do that?” Heero asked almost without meaning to. “Why do you kiss me on the forehead or my shoulder? Why don’t you kiss me on the lips?” his heart sped up in his chest. *What the hell is wrong with me!!!!*

“Do you want me to kiss you?” Wufei asked calmly.

“Want?” He barked out bitterly soft. “Its not about what I want!” Heero exclaimed, angry suddenly but not knowing why.

“What is it about?” Wufei asked still calm.

“You…you’re supposed to kiss me!” He sputtered in confused outrage sitting up suddenly.

“Am I.” he stated dryly. “Anything else?” he prodded.

“You’re not doing anything you should!” he accused hotly. Duo rolled away from Heero and slinked to the floor quietly.

“Like what?” Wufei let a small trickle of anger he didn’t feel leak into his voice as he sat up, just a little emotion to keep Heero talking, to get some of what he felt out into the open.

“You let me walk around wherever I want! You tell me to stand up and look at people! You feed me everyday! You don’t hurt me! You…you just…” he trailed off unsure how to continue.

“Just what…just treat you like a human being.” Wufei said softly, feeling true anger bubble up within him as he realized what Heero meant. “Treat you like you have some worth, I’ve seen dogs treated better than you were! How the hell you survived is beyond me! I’m nice to you?! Of course I want you to talk to people! And let you go where you want!” Wufei ranted as he stood to his feet to look down at Heero. Unnoticed by either of them Duo sighed softly. Once Wufei got going on a rant, there was no turning back.
“I wish that bastard were still alive so I could kill him slowly like he deserves! It was wrong, what they did to you! Wrong! It was sick and twisted and you shouldn’t have had to live through that! You shouldn’t have been raised the way you were either and if there were an ounce of real, true justice in this world people like J and Valin would never be born, they’d die at birth or their mothers would smother them!!” he yelled. Wufei sputtered a moment still wanting to yell about something but not entirely sure what it was anymore. “I feed you?! What the hell Heero! What do you expect me to do!! Put you down! Starve you to the point of death! Beat you until you can’t move! Rape you so that you fear everyone who tries to touch you!” Wufei shouted and grabbed Heero’s forearm firmly. He was well and truly pissed off now, Duo knew that he was mad about how Heero had been treated, he knew that his anger was for his friend who’d suffered so much. But he wondered what Heero thought and he felt himself want to edge forward to remind Wufei that Heero was still fragile, but he held himself back. He trusted his lover to realize that his former love was still delicate.

“Yes.” Heero whispered softly at Wufei. All of Wufei’s anger left him with that one small word and he was struck dumb for moment.

“W…what?” he stuttered as he stared at Heero. He noted the tremors that racked Heero’s thin frame, the grip he had on the other’s wrist. *Oh gods, he actually thinks I’d hurt him….Oh no…* He thought in horror as he mentally looked back over every encounter they’d had, looking for some reason why Heero would be afraid of him, he couldn’t find any. Wufei felt like he’d been hit in the chest with a hammer. “What?” he asked again when Heero didn’t answer.

“You’re my master…its what you’re supposed to do…” Heero said in broken voice. “Its your right…” he whispered as tears began to fall from his eyes. “I’m not good I deserve to be punished. I’m bad!” He sobbed. “I’m bad! I’m bad!”

The word ‘master’ flitted back and forth in Wufei’s mind and he shook his head a little to clear it. “Oh Heero…I…” he wanted to run away; he had never run from anything in his life. Even as a child he’d had too much damn stubborn pride to run, even when it was the smart thing to do. But he wanted to run now; he didn’t want to face those broken blue eyes looking at him with pain and sorrow in their depths. He didn’t want Heero to flinch from him in fear and he felt sick at the very thought of it. “Heero I’m not going to hurt you. I’m not going to treat you badly.” Wufei finally whispered as he let go of Heero’s arm. “I don’t want to hurt you. I want you to be happy.” He said softly.

“But I’m bad! I don’t deserve it! I…I…” he stuttered out as Wufei held up a hand to silence him.

“I never wanted you to think of me as your master.” Wufei told him evenly. “I just…” he fumbled at a loss for how to explain the abstract concept of what he knew of the way Heero’s mind worked. At least he thought he knew. He felt a gut-wrenching fear suddenly. *Oh sweet Nataku! What if I’ve been wrong!! What if…Oh no!*
“Heero I…wanted to help you, I thought…I thought that you’d need someone to tell you what to do.” He told the other boy. *That’s not the way I wanted that to come out…*
“I thought that you would be more comfortable if you didn’t have to make a lot of choices at first.” He said in a whisper, not sure if he could make his voice any louder.

That statement confused Heero. “I’m not supposed to make any choices and someone has to be my Master.” He said softly. “That’s you. I…you make sure I get food and you make sure I get bathed…but you…you don’t punish me. I…I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be bad, but I…don’t know what to do.” He stated helplessly. “My Master…he punishes me when I’m bad, that’s how I know I’m bad!” he just didn’t know any other way to explain it. “I don’t want to be bad.” He whispered in fear and fought the urge to sink from the bed to his knees on the floor.

“Heero…” Wufei murmured softly and raised his hand to cup the side of Heero’s face. The other boy flinched and readied himself for the blow, his eyes flickering open in surprise when a gentle touch was what he got instead.

“I…I don’t understand! I don’t understand!” he started to sob as Wufei enfolded him in his arms gently. “I’m bad! All the time I’m bad! I never do good, not ever! And I don’t understand why you don’t punish me!! Why don’t you punish me?!” he sobbed.

“Its okay…” Wufei told him softly. *We’ve completely cut the word ‘good’ out of our vocabulary when talking to Heero about himself…* he realized with a start. *Without even meaning to, we cut it out because of what we thought it meant to him. That he was property, a thing. We didn’t even think about it actually meaning that someone was happy with him.* Wufei climbed onto the bed and Heero started to scramble backwards, eyes closed tightly. “Hey, hey…” He soothed gently. “Come here. Come here Heero. Its alright.” Wufei assured and pulled the other boy against his body and into his lap. “Look at me Heero. Look at me.” Wufei instructed. “Its good.” he said looking directly into those broken blue depths and he saw something flicker behind them as the other boy swallowed dryly. “You’re good.” he said still cupping the other’s face and the blue eyes slid shut. He inhaled a deep, shaking breath as if absorbing the words through his lungs. “Good boy.” Wufei whispered while he petted back the ragged hair and Heero curled up into his warmth tightly, trying to fit all of his body in Wufei’s lap. Wufei shifted so that Heero sat between his thighs and hugged him tighter. “You’re a good boy Heero.” He whispered firmly against the other’s tousled hair. Heero’s fingers curled tightly in Wufei’s shirt at the shoulder and he nuzzled under the other’s chin with a small squeak. “We’re all so very proud of you Heero. Very proud and very happy at how good you’re doing!” Wufei told him and rocked the two of them back and forth gently. “You’re very, very good Heero.” He stated emphatically as he rubbed the other’s back. “That’s why we treat you good, because you are good. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. You’re very, very good!” Heero began to cry lightly as he clung to Wufei. Wufei carefully laid them back and Duo snuggled into bed beside them.

“Good Heero.” Duo whispered once he was certain he wouldn’t sob if he opened his mouth. “Very good.” Duo murmured softly into his ear as he pressed lightly against the other’s back. Heero leaned back into the warmth with a small sigh as he wound his arm around Wufei tightly. He closed his eyes and drifted to sleep.