The Road to Kindness | By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 7934 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1 |
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. |
The Road to Kindness
Chapter 7
Part 6
The shower in their room was a bit smaller than the one in
his own bathroom at home, but Duo had never been one to complain about
something like that and had just been glad that they had hot water. Getting the
chlorine out of his long hair took longer than he had thought, but Heero had gone
in before him and the others had showered while they had been swimming, so he
didn’t need to rush, even if ancient instincts told him that this shower wasn’t
really his. Even far away from home,
Duo fell into his usual night time ritual. He washed his hair, combed it as
soon as he got out of the shower, braiding it to keep it from snarling, took
his medicine, and dressed in his pajamas.
Walking out of the bathroom and taking in their hotel room,
the others already in bed and probably asleep in preparation for the early day
they would be having tomorrow. Duo was suddenly hit with the realization of how
far from home he was. His heart
clenched painfully in his chest as fear threatened to sweep him up. He flicked
the bathroom light off and walked slowly to the bed he and Quatre were sharing.
The curtains to the window were closed, but some of the city lights, always on
he supposed, bled through, allowing him to see where he was going in the dark
room. He slipped into bed with his friend, though it made him feel very weird
doing so. Quatre, like him, slept on his side and the picture of his friend’s
face, so completely relaxed in sleep that he reminded Duo of a child, made him
smile. He wondered what it was like to sleep like that, without worry, stress,
or nightmares, to be able to let everything go and not be on edge. He wondered
if he would ever know what that felt
like. But, even now, in a place where Wes couldn’t touch him, he was scared to
fall asleep, afraid of what he would find when he woke, of who he would find. He tried to let that fear wash over him, but it
refused to release him and his heart pounded in the dark, listening to the
familiar breathing of his friends, unable to use them to calm himself.
Though their backs weren’t quite touching, Duo could feel
Quatre’s heat very close to him. It, oddly, made him feel both comforted and
lonely at the same time. In that moment, for a reason he couldn’t quite voice
or describe, Duo wanted to roll over and wrap his arms around the little
blonde, to revel in the presence of another living, breathing creature.
Instead, he hugged his pillow tightly and buried his face in it, trying to use
his tiredness to drown out how lonely he felt in a strange place, in the dark,
listening to the sounds of the city outside the window and his friends sleeping
nearby. He was safe… he told himself this over and over, but he suddenly missed
his own bed, a feeling that he scoffed at because he certainly didn’t miss the
room he had had in Wes’ apartment. He realized that, though he had lived there
most of his life, his old bedroom had never really felt like his, just another place, another strange
bed. He missed Name, too, another thing that he had to scoff at, considering he
had seen her jut that morning and would see her at the end of the week. Still,
it felt too familiar to him, lying in the dark, listening to breathing, not
really knowing where he was and missing people that he loved, but, though the
situation was similar when he thought of it like that, they were also very
different. The room was not completely dark like Wes’ had been.
Duo looked at the window and wondered if Quatre had chosen
this bed because it was closer to the light, or if it had just been pure luck.
He chastised himself for equating this moment to that nightmarish part of his
life. Yes, he was in a strange place, but the breathing he was hearing was not
Wes, or a stranger’s, they were his friends. He wasn’t pining for something,
and someone, he could never have. Though Name was far away, she loved him, he
knew that now, and she knew where he was, and Heero was only a few feet away…
With hundreds of thoughts whirling around in his brain, Duo
wanted to slam his head against something solid, just so he could sleep. He was
tired, but he couldn’t stop thinking. He wondered how he had gotten here, how
he had gotten from chained up to a bed in the dark, hurt and slowly becoming
insane, to lying in a soft bed, with his friends. Honestly, he couldn’t figure
it out. He almost felt like he was in shock, though he guessed he had felt that
way his entire life, unable to truly understand what was happening in his life.
He couldn’t quite recall how he had gone from being a cheap whore and punching
bag to being friends with some of the kindest people he had ever met, working,
not for a pimp, but for an actual retail store, not missing his freedom or his
health, but his stand-in mother and his home, something he had been sure he
would never find, let alone have. He wondered about that, too. Why did he feel
so comfortable and at peace in Heero’s house? Oh, it wasn’t such a mystery now,
he had been living there for months now and some of the best memories he had
were there. But he had felt that way even before Name had moved him in straight
out of the hospital.
Duo blinked at the dark wall as his mind came up with the
answer to his question easily. Beyond the comfort and love he had found in
Heero and his mother, as out of place he still felt there, he didn’t feel
awkward and uncomfortable like he did in some places. He realized it was
because there had been so little history in the house when he had first walked
into the door that first weekend. Usually, when he rarely went to a john’s house
or apartment, he could literally sense the history of the place and would feel
oddly… alienated and displaced. He had never felt that way in Heero’s house. He
felt alienated for a completely other reason, but never because he felt like a
stranger in someone else’s home. He realized that Heero and Name didn’t have a
history so completely separate from him. He didn’t wonder about all the things
they had done in that house before he had met them. He had slept over the very
first week that they had moved there and, in a very strange way, he felt like
the house was every bit his as
Heero’s, even if he did feel out-classed by it. He had just as much history in
that house as Heero did, and even more emotions tied to it.
Every muscle in Duo’s body stiffened like hard rock as he
felt a thin arm wrap around his waist and a small, warm body snuggle against his
back. His thoughts froze along with the rest of him and his skin gave a small,
awkward shudder. He didn’t cry out, however, nor did he try to shove the person
off of him. When his brain finally re-engaged, he managed to see it as a good
thing. Not too long ago, he would have shoved Quatre off the bed and hidden in
the corner.
“Trowa,” Quatre murmured and Duo felt himself slowly start
to relax. There wasn’t anything erotic about the way Quatre was touching him,
or the way he had said his lover’s name, which was what finally made his baser
instincts realize that the person holding him wasn’t a threat. Logically, he
knew that it was Quatre, but his fear had clouded his brain and now that it was
finally retreating, he felt this silly, giddy sort of glee at his reaction to
his fear, or rather, his lack of one. He hadn’t had a panic attack at another
person’s touch, a person that wasn’t Heero or Name, he had been afraid, but he
hadn’t actually panicked. Considering all of his other problems, it seemed so
small, but at this point, he was grabbing at whatever he could. Ironically, it
was the feeling of Quatre’s safe, comfortable warmth that made him settle in a
half-sleep. He suddenly felt a stab of guilt when he realized what Quatre’s
calling out for his boyfriend meant. He didn’t know why Quatre had insisted on
sharing a bed with him, but he wasn’t the one that his blonde friend wanted. If
he hadn’t been there, Quatre would have slept with Trowa, but he hadn’t exactly
pushed Quatre into it, either. He had no idea how to fix something that he
didn’t even know how it had come to be. That feeling of Quatre’s warmth made
him think, fleetingly, of Shei and the rest of his brood. He felt another pang
of guilt at making Name take up his responsibilities towards the felines. He
had never experienced something like that. He had always seen his cats as
solely his and when Name had told him that, if he wanted to keep his cats, he
would have to be the one to take care of them. He hadn’t wanted to leave Shei.
It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Name, she was the kindest, most responsible
adult he had ever met, but he wasn’t used to taking care of something that was
relying solely on him. All of his
other cats had been feral and used to fending for themselves. Thinking about
Shei and the care she needed made him feel anxious. He had been sleeping with
his cats and he drifted off thinking about what a poor substitute the cool
pillow was in comparison to the warm, living creature pressed against his back.
*****
It was pitch dark,
but he didn’t need any light to tell him where he was. He could smell the blood
and semen in the air, could feel the heavy manacles around his wrists and
ankles. The darkness pressed against him like an oppressive force and he could
feel it filling himself every time he breathed. His heart tightened in his
chest and beat wildly like a trapped, useless butterfly. The bed underneath his
naked body was cold and damp, telling him that Wes wasn’t sleeping next to him
like he usually did. That fact should have made him feel good, but instead, it
made him feel horribly sick inside, it made him want to rip off his hands and
feet, just so he could stumble off the bed and find someone, so he wouldn’t be alone anymore in this dark, hellish
place. He had been stuck here for so long… Why couldn’t he get out? He just
wanted out of this darkness! Duo squeezed his eyes shut, but even he realized
how useless that was, either way, he was blind.
“Duo,
get up,” a deep, familiar voice ordered. Duo opened his eyes, blinking in the dark
and realizing that he could see something.
There was a pair of crimson eyes, like a jackal or devil, piercing through the
dark at him. Duo blinked until his vision cleared and he, inexplicably, saw Shi
sitting on the edge of the bed, watching him with a strange expression, the dog
tags he always wore shining as brightly as his friend’s eyes. It had been a
very, very long time since he had seen the impressive, long haired man and his
heart seemed to constrict even more seeing him so close. He very badly wanted
to hug him and tell him how utterly terrified he was. The chains took on an
even greater hatred and depression for him, knowing he couldn’t even reach out
and touch Shi.
“I
can’t,” he choked out, shocking himself at how raw his unused voice was. Shi
cocked his head, his eyes burning into Duo’s.
“Who
says?” the blonde man asked with a toothy grin. Duo stared at him
incredulously. Shi had always had this way of making him believe things that
had previously filled him with doubt. He would never say it out loud, but it
had been Shi who had, inadvertently, talked him into trying to go to school.
“I
can’t!” Duo protested, too afraid of what he would find if he pulled on his
bonds, either that he really was trapped and the hope Shi had made bloom inside
of him would die stillborn, or he would discover that Shi was right, like he
always was, and he had spent all those horrible hours and days and weeks in the
dark, by his own choice, “Wes-,”
“You’re
going to believe that fucker over me?” Shi questioned with a hurt tone that
made Duo want to cry and apologize. Suddenly, horribly, Shi got off the bed and
started to walk away.
“No!
Don’t leave me!” Duo sobbed, panicking with the thought of him leaving. It went
beyond his fear of being abandoned. He had already lost one of his friends and
he didn’t want to lose another, for any reason. To his utter relief, Shi turned
to look back at him with a devastated expression.
“I’m
not leaving you, Duo,” he said softly, “We’ll never leave you and you never
left us, you never will. Lying in the dark is hard, but walking through it is
even worse. The two of us know this better than most,” he smiled at Duo, “But
when you’re ready, we’ll be waiting.”
*****
Duo awoke, not to the dark wall near his side of the bed,
or the shut window, or even the creamy colored ceiling, but to a pair of wide,
deep aqua eyes staring at him. He gave out a sharp sound, almost a cry, and
would have crawled back if he wasn’t so afraid of falling off the bed and
cracking his head on the wall.
“Quatre! I told you to wake
him, not scare him half to death!” he heard Heero snarl. He looked away
from Quatre’s gaze and saw Heero and Trowa standing near them, Heero glaring at
Quatre and Trowa looking amused. He could faintly hear Wufei doing something in
the bathroom and Duo realized that he was the only one that was still dressed
in his pajamas. Both Heero and Trowa had their packs made for the day, lying at
their feet. Both Quatre and Duo blushed in unison.
“I didn’t want to wake him because he looked so peaceful!”
Quatre blurted out in protest. Duo had the urge to bury his face in his pillow
and pretend the last three minutes hadn’t happened, preferably fall back to
sleep, but he realized why everyone was already dressed and tried to mask his
embarrassment by rolling out of bed.
“I’m awake already,” he grumbled, his shame at having
people stare at him in his sleep, while he was only dressed in his night
clothes, making him feel defensive.
“Can I get dressed without all of you gawking at me?” he asked
dryly.
“Are you sure?” Trowa chuckled, grinning at Duo, “I bet
you’re just as adorable and interesting dressing as sleeping.”
Duo mocked glared at him while Quatre gave his lover a
dirty look as he realized he was being made fun of.
“Duo, I’m done,” Wufei announced as he finally stepped out
of the bathroom, looking confused at Duo and Quatre’s annoyed looks. Duo felt a
bit of his annoyance at his own embarrassment ebb away as excitement filled
him.
“Thanks, ‘Fei,” he said happily, not noticing how his
Chinese friend blushed darkly at the pet name, grabbing some clothes and
retreating to the bathroom to get ready for the day and discard his remaining
shock and embarrassment at having his friends watching him sleep.
*****
Duo met his own eyes in the bathroom mirror and rubbed at
them with the back of his hand. He didn’t make a habit of looking at his
reflection. He had always been afraid of what would be looking at him, had
always been worried about the disgust he would feel at himself. The last time
he had looked in a mirror and had truly seen
himself had been during the storm and the black out and he had scared
himself in the flashes of lightning. He had been so pale, so thin and sick back
then, he had actually thought he was half dead. Looking in the mirror now, he
remembered Name telling him how much better he looked.
He did look better. Despite the tossing and turning he had
done last night, he didn’t have dark circles under his eyes and he didn’t look
haggard at all. He supposed he would always be pale and thin, too many years of
staying indoors instead of going outside, too many years of skipping meals and
going hungry for days on end. But, he didn’t look half-dead anymore. He
couldn’t count his ribs and he had muscle tone for the first time in his life.
Emotionally, he was the happiest he had ever
been and that counted for something, right?
He changed into clean clothes and combed and re-braided his
hair, trying to keep his thoughts on the mindless tasks, but it was impossible.
He kept going around in circles from the insults he had heard yesterday, the
swim with Heero that had seemed so close to something he didn’t dare reach for,
to the dream that somehow still lingered in perfect clarity. His other group of
friends… how long had it been since the day Wes had released him from his
chains and he had shakily told them about the man’s confessions of love? How
long had it been since Shi and Solo had hugged him? He realized how selfish he
was being, not wanting to see them, simply because they reminded him of his
other life, of a life filled with pain and loneliness. It hadn’t been all bad,
though. For all of the horrible things that Wes had put him through, the
friendship he had had with his fellow prostitutes had been so solid, so
tangible, that he now felt so strange not having that safety net. He had a
different safety net now, a different set of friends, but he had been unaware
of the trade. He wondered if they were ok, wondered if they thought he was
dead.
At the very least, the only ones around to worry about his
absence were Shi, Solo, and Hi. He wondered if they had kept in touch with
Alex, Aluxiel, and Amaaya, but didn’t see how they could. He wished Shi or Solo
had known where they had gone, but he wondered if he would have the courage to
see them even if he knew. Yuki… oh, God, Yuki… he had tried very hard not to
think about him, but that was just so… disrespectful. Why should he put Yuki
out of his mind? He had been such a good friend and Duo couldn’t help but
wonder what had happened, if he could have done anything to stop it. Duo had to
bite down hard on his tongue to keep tears from forming. How old had he been?
He couldn’t remember, no older than his late twenties. Fuck, but that seemed so
young. The irony that he, himself, had never expected to see his twenties did
not escape him, but this seemed different somehow. He wondered if Yuki had
suffered or if his death had been quick. He hadn’t known very much about Yuki,
none of them had, but they had accepted him. He had been quiet, but whenever
Duo had just needed someone to listen to him, he had known he could depend on
the black haired boy. He wondered if there had been a funeral. He wondered
where he was buried, if he had been buried. He hoped not. It wouldn’t have been
Yuki’s style, for rituals and fussing, he would have wanted something simple
and clean, not that deep… rotting in the earth. He would have wanted to be
cremated, his ashes spread over the ocean. Yuki had liked the ocean and Duo
could see the resemblance between them, both quiet, but unfathomably deep. It
seemed so… sad… that, even in death, his friend hadn’t gotten what he wanted. A
tear finally escaped, but Duo didn’t notice its existence. He missed him. It
was strange, to miss something that you knew so little about, and hadn’t seen
very often, so deeply, but, seen or not, Yuki had always been there, for all of
them. Then, suddenly, he was just… gone. It seemed so impossible… Yuki of all people… And just to add
insult to injury, he could have had two more weeks of memories with the man if
Wes hadn’t chained him up. That fact would always tear and gnaw at him, until
the day he died. He wondered who he blamed more, Wes, the nameless man that had
killed his friend, or himself.
That dream last night had scared him, and maybe that was
why he couldn’t let it go. He had had similar dreams of that dark, terrible
place that had become his own, personal little hell, but never before had one
of his old friends intruded in them. It was so… odd. It seemed important, if he
could only pinpoint why, but he had
never been adept at psychoanalyzing himself. Shi… damn, but he was a horse of a
different color from Yuki, from the rest of them, really. Everyone knew Shi’s
story, the tall blonde had, unlike the rest of them, never shied away from his
past. Unlike Solo and Duo, Shi had had a damn near perfect life, had known his
last name and age. He had had parents, even a little brother, but then his
family had died in a car crash and he had gone to live with his mother’s
father, who had, in turn, raped and abused him until Shi had run away. He had
tried to live on his own, but in the end had realized how hard that was and had
fallen into prostitution. However, Shi, to Duo’s knowledge, had never become
cowed by his abuse, though he had become extremely over protective of his loved
ones because of it. Unlike himself, Shi had shoved his fear aside and had
simply become angry. Preferring to beat the holy hell out of whatever got in
his way, instead of running from it. He wasn’t exactly a rage-aholic, but Duo
had known him to use anger like a shield against the world, even if he had
never turned that anger against any of them, even if, with the people he loved,
he was one of the kindest, gentlest people Duo had ever met and he couldn’t
help but wonder if that was Shi’s natural protectiveness showing through, or if
what he had suffered in his short life had created that kindness in him. If
Solo was their group’s leader, their iron will, then Shi was their protective,
driving force, the thing that kept them safe, kept them from falling completely
into darkness. Their vicious, guiding lion… Was that why he had dreamed him?
Because he thought that Shi could keep him safe? But Shi wasn’t around now and
he felt the same way about Heero and Name.
The dream had started the same way, it always did, the
darkness, the panic, being tied to the bed, the only major difference was Wes’
absence, something that he couldn’t understand. His ‘guardian’ had overwhelmed
his dreams and his sudden disappearance was startling. But, through the
darkness, it hadn’t been Wes that had come for him, but Shi. He couldn’t deny
that the two men had similarities. They were both stubborn, powerful, and
impressive, but beyond that, they were like light and dark, both were similar
measurements, but so utterly different, it was hard to compare them at all. Wes
had always been a silent, terrible force in his dreams, but Shi had actually spoken to him. Shi and Solo had always
had this strange… confidence in him, like he was better than them, could go
further and do things that they couldn’t even dream of. He had never known how
to react to that, and even though it had had only been a dream, Shi’s
confidence that he could free himself from the chains baffled him. Bound to a
bed, weak and sick and vulnerable, how could he? That Shi, dream or not, had
acted hurt over him believing Wes made Duo feel uncomfortable, like he had
betrayed his friend. When had he started to feel like Wes had more influence in
his life than his friends? Probably always. It wasn’t something he was proud
of, and he realized that Shi was right. That was why he still felt trapped. Wes
was still out there, he, though some reason Duo still couldn’t understand, had
let him go. What had been the point? He wasn’t really free, how could he be
when he had been unable to help himself? Was that what his brain was trying to
tell himself? That Wes was still in control, that he could take him back
whenever he wanted. How could that possibly be called freedom? Or maybe his
self-conscious was telling him just how pointless running from his past was. It
was always going to be there, no matter what he did, yet the thought of Shi and
Solo being there for him, or being unable to discard them, was more of a
comfort than an anxiety.
Duo sighed deeply, glaring at his reflection. He didn’t
want to think of those things. He just wanted to enjoy his day. Why couldn’t he
do that? He splashed water in his face, to both wake himself up and to hide the
few tears he had shed. Feeling oddly, heavily burdened, he left the bathroom,
but forced himself to be immersed in his excitement for the day.
*****
Boston at night and Boston during the day were
like two completely different cities. Breakfast had been easy and quick. The
hotel seemed to have a standard buffet breakfast for everyone in the hotel and
their school had taken blatant advantage of it. To Duo, it felt a lot like
eating at the school cafeteria, avoiding his fellow classmates and picking and
choosing what he wanted visually, instead of from a menu. The idea of being
able to have pancakes, waffles, and bagels, all at once at no extra charge, was
pretty incredible to Duo. His instinct to eat everything in front of him when
he could combined with his new found joy in comfort foods like waffles and fresh
fruit that Name supplied for him all the time and he ended up eating more than
he would have normally. Usually, his stomach, so used to not eating very much,
would keep him from doing it, but there was some sort of carefree feeling in
the air as their classmates chatted loudly and excitedly around them that had
made Duo indulge. He knew that Heero was watching and making sure he didn’t
make himself sick, so he let himself relax about it. He was surprised, leaving
the hotel and getting on the bus for the museum, that they were the only ones
from their school on it. There were a few elderly couples and one family with
two little kids, but that was all. It made Duo want to roll his eyes, even
though it also relieved him to know he wouldn’t have to deal with his
classmates. He didn’t think his anxiety towards them was sad, he had just spent
too many years being ignored and bullied by them to think any differently.
Besides, compared to the friends he had now, he really didn’t want to know any of them.
Despite the fact that the sun was shinning brightly and Duo
knew what a pleasant day it was going to be, Boston during the day seemed so dull and gray
after seeing the brilliant colored lights of last night, but during the day, he
could see the structures of the buildings better. He really did feel like a
‘country bumpkin’, noting with surprise at how tall everything was. Just looking at all the traffic and streets
gave him a headache and seeing the massive, ancient-looking building that was
the art museum made it even worse. It was huge, mostly white with banners
advertising exhibits and stone pillars everywhere.
“Damn,” he muttered to himself, “it’ll take all day just to
walk from one end to another!”
Heero chuckled at him.
“Some of the exhibits are pretty hands on, so there’s a lot
of space for it, and there’s a theater, too,” he explained, “it’s really not
too bad, and if you get tired, we can leave.”
Duo gave his best friend a look that clearly said that
wasn’t going to happen. He didn’t care how tired he got, he wanted to see every
inch of the museum. He mused that Solo would love to go to a place like this.
It was something that Solo didn’t like other people to know, that he liked art.
He was the only person Duo knew that could tell the difference between ‘egg
shell’ white and ‘snow’ white. He remembered one night when he was twelve, he
had shown up on Solo’s corner with a broken arm and a bad cough and the older
boy had sat down, right in the midst of big busted whores and horny johns and
had filled the entire sidewalk with very realistic-looking butterflies using
some chalk they had pilfered from a dumpster, just to make him smile. It was
just little things like that that made him wish he could love Solo more than a
very good friend and made him feel so guilty about avoiding him.
*****
Sometimes, when they both got off at the same time, Duo and
Solo had walked by St. Peter’s one and only art gallery, Brushings, a corny
name, Duo had always thought. They could never see much in the dark, but the
few painting they had seen through the windows had filled Solo’s eyes with an
odd expression of both wistfulness and excitement. .Standing in front of a huge
painting with his four friends while a tour guide leading a small group of
families droned on next to them, Duo could understand that look now. It was a
simply painting of a puddle on a sidewalk after a rainstorm, not very exciting,
but it was the colors that made it absolutely beautiful. It made him ache to
want to have that ability, to make people see the beauty in the smallest
things.
“Are you enjoying yourself?” Heero whispered as they
followed the larger group towards the door leading to the next room. Duo nodded
vigorously.
“I’m glad we came,” he said with a rare, bright smile, “Everything
here is beautiful, even the dark stuff. It makes me wish I had that sort of
talent.”
“You’re better than the rest of our art class,” Heero pointed
out. Duo snorted as softly as he could, which he found was pretty hard.
“But nothing like this stuff,” he replied. Heero gave him a
strange, affectionate smile.
“You’ve never had a problem getting people’s attention and
showing them your worth,” he said softly and walked ahead of him. Duo paused,
looking at him with wide, shocked eyes. He felt that his brain would implode trying
to figure out what Heero had meant. It wasn’t true, most of his life he had
been ignored by the people around him, but hadn’t Wes noticed him? Hadn’t Heero
and Zechs noticed him? He still couldn’t figure out why they had ‘seen’ him,
when so many hadn’t wanted to. And he certainly didn’t think he had ever shown anyone his worth, if there was such a
thing. Before he could move to follow his group, something in the previous room
caught his eye. On the far wall was a large, dark colored painting of two children
playing in the mud. It was an odd, but powerful piece of art, the two children
horribly thin and sick looking, but they both wore brilliant, enthralled smiles
as they played. When Duo had first seen it, he had been drawn to it, thinking
of his own childhood, but now, it wasn’t the painting that made him walk back
into the room and towards the far wall. Standing in front of the painting was a
woman who was giving it the same intense perusal as he had. She was tall, with
long legs clothed in jeans, her long, ebony hair falling down her sleeveless
denim jacket. What made his heart stop in his chest was the tattoo he could see
on her tan, right arm. In white ink was a large, powerful tiger, in red, a
beautiful phoenix, its tail wrapped around the tiger and its wings spread in a
fiery spectacle, and a serpentine dragon in black. All three creatures were
laced with a deep, breath-taking blue, and even though he couldn’t see her
face, he knew the girl’s eyes would be that exact, incredible blue.
“Amaaya!” he called and even he could hear the utter shock
in his voice. The girl whirled and, though he had somehow known it was her, he
felt startled to realize it really was her.
Suddenly, painfully, wonderfully, he felt drawn into the past, a past filled
with long, lonely nights, a past filled with him and the best friends he had
had huddled together at a familiar street corner, a past filled with sex and
violence, a past filled with tears and sidewalks filled with beautiful
butterflies made of stolen, crumbly chalk.
“Oh, God… Duo…” he heard her say so softly, so
breathlessly, that she was almost impossible to understand, but then they were
hugging each other and little things like words didn’t matter anymore. Their
embrace was strong, and a bit awkward since Amaaya was much taller than Duo,
but it didn’t bother either of them. Amaaya was holding him so tightly, Duo
could feel her nails digging into his skin, but he didn’t care anymore than she
cared that his cheek was pressed against her breasts covered by her tight,
black tank top, both because she was so overwhelmed by seeing him again and
because he was one of the few men who truly didn’t care about her figure.
“I never thought that I’d see you again,” she said in a
small voice when they finally let go of each other, seeing the same thought
echoes in Duo’s eyes.
“I know,” Duo said breathlessly, his eyes brimming with
unfettered joy, “One day, you and Alex and Aluxiel were just… gone and Solo and
Shi told me you guys had left town. I can’t believe you’re here!”
“But what are you doing here?” Amaaya questioned in
confusion. Duo paused, realizing that she didn’t know what had happened, that
the last time they had seen each other had been when he had run away from
school and had been so distraught over Heero. It was in him, at that moment, to
lie and gloss over the whole thing, but he had never lied to them, knowing that
they were the very few people he didn’t have
to lie to and found himself actually wanting to tell her the horrible
story. The worried glint in Amaaya’s eyes just made his decision easier. He
realized that she probably thought he had run away from Wes and was trying to
hide from him. That ideal made him want to snort. Before Heero, he never would
have tried running away and after, he wouldn’t have run far. Besides, been there, done that, he had the scars and mental
demons to prove it. He nearly blurted out asking if she knew Yuki was dead, but
realized that that was what had scared the three of them into running.
“It’s not a very long story,” he assured her, “Eventually,
I ran away from home. I couldn’t handle being with Wes and thinking about how
much Heero hated me. I had to get away, even if it was just for a little while,
just so I might be able to see Heero again, even if I could never face him,” Duo
stuttered over the word ‘home’, but continued to bull through the tale. He was
so used to ‘home’ meaning ‘with Heero’, but Amaaya certainly didn’t know that,
“I didn’t get very far. Wes found me and kept me under lock and key for two
weeks,” by the sickened, furious look in his friend’s eyes, Duo knew that he
didn’t have to elaborate that bit for her, thankfully. He wasn’t sure that he
could tell that part of the story again, but Amaaya and the others had been
aware of Wes’ threat, even if they probably hadn’t believed he would go through
with it.
“He didn’t keep me locked up forever, though,” he tried to
reassure her and felt stupid doing it since, if he was walking around Boston, what had happened
was pretty obvious, “I begged him to let me ok, though I never thought he
actually would. He did, though, and told me that he loved me,” Duo nearly
stumbled over his words again, but refused to let the story get to him, telling
himself that months had passed and he had to start moving on, even if it was a
complete lie, “When he let me go, I found Solo and shi and they told me what
had happened with… Yuki… and you three,” despite his best efforts, Duo did
stumble over his words that time, “Heero found me after that. He had been
looking for me, can you believe that?!” Duo gave out an almost laugh, he still
couldn’t believe that after all the things he had done to his best friend, that
he had still cared for him, “I told him what I was and we argued a bit. By that
point, being locked up and all, I was pretty ill and said and did things that
were pretty stupid. I tried to run away from Heero, but I was in too much pain
and he ended up finding me again,” Duo almost laughed again at the thought that
he did more than his fair share of running in his life, was still doing it,
really, “He took me to the hospital. He… forgave me, for everything, even when
I told him everything, including my past. Eventually, I got better and when I
was released, I went to live with him and his mother. I’m back at school now,
too. That’s why I’m in Boston,
we’re all on a field trip, so I guess it’s ‘happily ever after,’ huh?” Duo
finished and couldn’t help a slight spark of bitterness from entering his tone
at what a lie ‘happily ever after’ was. Was he happy? Yeah, he was, but his
life was far from perfect, even if he was living in the ivory tower with the
prince of his dreams. He was a far cry from a buxom, golden princess and his
prince seemed to despise that princess a lot. But content was a start, right?
He wondered what Heero’s ‘happily ever after’ was, but was damn sure that it
didn’t include him and he had to struggle so that Amaaya couldn’t see the
sudden dark thought in his eyes. He knew that she wouldn’t bring up how painful
the aftermath was, trying to live with your past trailing behind you like an
ugly, slathering beast and just how utterly terrifying the dark was, even
without the monsters lurking in it.
As Duo talked, Amaaya’s expression went from fury, to
devastation, to depressed, to relief, then finally settled on the unfettered
joy Duo had had earlier.
“Oh, sweetie,” she murmured in the maternal way that always
left Duo’s heart bleeding for something he couldn’t ever manage to put to
words. She gave him another hug, softer and briefer than the first one and Duo
was suddenly struck with how tall Amaaya was, or how short he was, he couldn’t
tell.
“Are you happy, Duo?” she asked in concern, “The last time
I saw you…” she shook her head, her long hair swirling around her like a dark
could, “I never want to see you like that again. Do these people take good care
of you?”
Duo nodded enthusiastically.
“They’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I owe
them so much, but they don’t care about that. They treat me like… like I’m part
of the family,” he confessed.
Amaaya felt something tight that had been squeezing her
heart release a little. Ever since the night that Shi had brought Duo out of
the rain, freezing and wet and on the verge of tears, and Solo had introduced
him, she had felt a strange protectiveness towards him. It had been strange
because it wasn’t really in her nature to be motherly towards anyone, but there
was something about Duo that made her want to wrap him up in a blanket and
protect him from all the bad things. No one deserved what he had gone through in
his life and she was glad that he had finally found someone to treat him right,
to give him the things to make him happy. She knew first hand that a lot of
people didn’t mind doing things for others, but only at a cost, only with the
belief that their debt would be repaid. She was relieved that this Heero’s
family wasn’t like that. She didn’t really know what to think about Duo’s
feelings for the boy he was living with, didn’t know how painful it was for him
because she had never been in love herself, so she could find no words to
comfort, or explore, what he might be feeling.
“Good,” she smiled gently at him, “That’s exactly how you
deserve to feel. I didn’t want you, any of us, to end up like Yuki. I’m glad
you got out in time.”
Duo couldn’t help but shudder at thinking of Amaaya dying
like Yuki had. He watched in confusion as the girl untied a blue ribbon that
had been wrapped around her wrist and held it out to him like something sacred.
“It’s Yuki’s,” she explained in a somber tone.
Duo stared at the deep blue tie and realized that it was something sacred. He found that he
couldn’t reach for it, feeling like he had so long ago when Helen had presented
him with her cross. Yuki hadn’t been like her, but at the same time, he had. He had been his friend and he never
should have died like that. He didn’t feel like he could take anything of his,
even if it was something little like a hair tie, because in reality, nothing
that his dead friend had owned could be called ‘little’. Looking at the satiny
piece of ribbon, Duo was struck violently by the realization that he would
never see Yuki again. Logically, his head had known that he was dead, but his
heart had refused to let it really sink in.
“I… I can’t,” he stammered, feeling strange about being
offered one of Yuki’s possessions like he was a family member. He realized that
he sort of was. If Yuki had any
family out there, they probably hadn’t been notified or just didn’t care. The
group of whores that Yuki had hung out with was the closest to family he had
had. He couldn’t help but pick at the thought of his own mystery family and if
Solo and the others would have ever known if Wes had ended up killing him, or
if they would have always wondered what had happened to him. He almost
shuddered at the thought of what would have happened to his body, if the cops
would have found him and given him a pauper’s burial or if Wes would have
disposed of him… somehow. Chopped him up and fed him to dogs or something. It
wasn’t a thought that usually bothered him, but today he found it disturbing,
right after thinking of Yuki.
Amaaya gave him a hard, pissed look when he refused to take
the hair tie.
“It’s all we have of him,” she said in a clipped tone, “We all have some and you’re going to take
one, too. You were his friend, he would have wanted you to have this.”
Duo doubted that, Yuki would have been embarrassed at
having so much attention drawn to him, but he wanted to have something to
remember Yuki by, even if he knew he would never need such a reminder, the
black haired boy had already become a personal lesson to him, what happened to
people like him, no matter how careful they were, their fates were always the
same, and how terrible it was to lose a friend, but even worse to not even know
you had lost them until some time. He felt that terrible stab of guilt at not
staying in touch with Solo and Shi again. As he took the ribbon from Amaaya, he
felt as though a torch of sorts was being passed, though he had no idea what
that torch meant for him. Amaaya watched in surprise as Duo undid the simple
black elastic holding the end of his brain and switched it with the blue
ribbon. She gave him a smile of approval, even as she felt a stab of hurt at
how alike Yuki and Duo were. Before Yuki’s death, she would have pegged Duo as
the first of their little group to die. He seemed so vulnerable at times and
had lived a much harder life at the hands of Wes than they did on their own, but
he also had this intense, inner strength that kept him pushing forward, always
pushing. She cupped his cheek with one hand, making the longhaired boy blush.
“If you’re ever in trouble, I want you to promise to call
me,” she insisted, her hand dropping from Duo’s cheek to search her pockets.
She managed to find a fine-point marker and wrote her cell phone number on
Duo’s wrist, which, inexplicably, made him blush even more.
“Ok,” he said softly, wondering what Name would think when
she got the phone bill and saw his friend’s number on it, but mused that it
would be just one more much-needed safety net for him. To show how serious he
was, and to get that depressed look out of Amaaya’s eyes, he dug his cell phone
out of his book bag and added her number. It was an odd, stupid little shock to
realize she would always be the first name he would see on his contact list.
The list wasn’t all that big, just emergency numbers and cell phones and, in
Name’s case, work numbers, for Heero, Name, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, and now
Amaaya. It seemed intensely strange to see her name right above Heero’s, like
two worlds meeting for the first time and somehow merging in harmony. In turn,
he gave Amaaya his number as well.
“You never told me why you’re here,” he suddenly blurted
out, in realization, “I mean, I knew you were in Boston, but what are you doing in the museum?
Are you meeting someone?” he asked, hoping he wasn’t keeping her from some
task. She just grinned at him, settling his concerns.
“Nope. It’s my day off and I had some extra cash, so I
figured I’d give myself a tiny vacation. I only live seven blocks from here,”
she explained. Duo caught the ‘day off’ part and jumped on it.
“You have a job?” he asked cautiously. He hoped that, by
leaving Maine,
she had also left her old life behind and found something safer than
prostitution. He wanted her to find some hope, to be safe and prove to everyone
that people like them could be more. He wanted, needed, that example, living
proof that he could do the same, he just needed to try harder.
“I’m a waitress,” the tall girl said almost haughtily,
brimming with pride. Duo had always wondered why he had never reached out to
any of his classmates when it had been so easy to get along with Solo and the
others. He had told himself that it was because of all the things the people he
went to school with had done to him, ignoring him and bullying him just because
he was poor and quiet, and that was true, but mostly, it was because of moments
like this. At school, if someone had admitted to having a job waiting tables,
they would have been laughed at and looked down on with disdain. However,
Amaaya looked so proud of her job, not ashamed that it was small and not very
glamorous and Duo was genuinely proud of her. It was something that his
classmates would never understand. They would never understand how hard it was
to get your feet under you when you had been lying on your back for so long,
would never understand just how far you could fall and how pulling yourself up,
even just an inch or two, was truly a huge accomplishment. He had had the help
of his best friend and his rich mother to get him back on his feet, to help him
get a little cleaner, to the point where he could look at himself in the mirror
for an entire minute without hating himself. Amaaya, on the other hand, had
only had herself and, somehow, she had managed, and he had no idea how, he
could only be amazed at her strength and conviction. Compared to getting paid
to having sex with complete strangers who didn’t give a shit about you beyond
getting some sort of sexual satisfaction out of your body, waiting on tables, even
if it didn’t pay as much, seemed like the bloody holy grail.
“That’s great!” he exclaimed and he knew that he didn’t
have to tell her how proud he was of her or how glad he was that she had gotten
away, she could read it all over his face. She grinned back at him.
“It was hard getting started,” she admitted, “For awhile, I
was afraid I would have to get back into old patterns, just to feed myself,”
her expression turned somber and Duo nodded in understanding. That was
something the world didn’t seem to get. His whole life, he had heard people say
things like ‘just get a job’ or ‘you can do anything if you just set your mind
to it’. They were such meaningless platitudes that simply filled him with a
dull rage. What did they know of it? What did they know of having to beg for
food, just to survive? It wasn’t that damn simple. Sure, if you had a family,
people who could support you, or some talent you could market, it was easy, you
just had to work hard at it. But, what if you were alone and poor and hungry?
What if the only thing you had, was something that was illegal? To survive,
wouldn’t you do something terrible? He didn’t know what had happened in the
lives of Amaaya or Yuki, but he knew what had happened to the rest of them.
Even without Wes, he wouldn’t have lasted long on the streets. He had had no
education, no family, no records to prove that he even existed. Sure, he could
have gone to the police or someone for help, but even the people ‘in charge’
weren’t always the good guys, even if they were, he would get shoved into an
orphanage, never get adopted, and just return to the same damn situation once
he turned 18, if the home even kept him for that long. What should Shi have
done when his grandfather had raped him? The man hadn’t been rich, but with how
Shi had described him, he had been respected. Even if the police had believed
the kid that Shi had been at the time and his grandfather had been arrested,
there were few family members that would have been willing to take him in and
treat him well. What should Alex, Aluxiel, and Solo have done? True, Alex and
Aluxiel had made their own choices, but he certainly didn’t point a finger at
them and say it was their fault for turning to prostitution. They had been
thirteen when they had run away from home, because neither of them could deal
with a family that would be disgusted in their love for each other, and even if
they had stayed under the promise they would stay away from each other, how
could they have lived, knowing that their parents and siblings were secretly
disgusted with them? Solo had been in the same spot Duo had had, no education
and no family, but at least he had had his gang. Solo had told him more than
once that that gang was what had saved him as a child, but now they were long
gone. What should they have done?
So, he understood alright, he understood how hard it was
just to get to the point where you could seriously look for a ‘real job’ and
wouldn’t have looked down on her if she had never gotten to that point.
“But, I told myself when I left that I would rather die
than do it,” she shook her head, “I didn’t want to be that person anymore.
Waiting on tables was one of the few jobs I could get where I didn’t need any
experience. I’m sharing an apartment with two other people, and it’s not that
great of a place, but at least I have a roof over my head,” she said brightly,
“Besides, at the end of the day, I can look at myself in the mirror without
hating myself.”
Duo shivered as Amaaya’s words echoed his own thoughts. It
had been awhile since he had spoken with anyone who understood him so
completely, who thought like him, because they knew what he was going through.
He loved Heero and his friends, more than anything else, and though they were
more understanding than his other classmates, they would never truly understand
what his past meant for him. Trowa came damn close, but only Amaaya and the
others would get the sort of degradation selling himself had caused him. Trowa
understood his feelings and darkness about his rape, but never his
prostitution, which he was glad. He was glad that so few of his friends
understood him because he didn’t want them to know that sort of pain, even if
it made him feel lonely not having someone to talk to. He felt bad enough
knowing what had happened to Trowa, even if he was glad he could talk to him
about Wes in ways that he couldn’t talk to Quatre or Wufei. He could only talk
to Heero about it because he felt so… connected to him, and even then, he felt
weird and shy about it.
“I see Alex and Aluxiel sometimes,” Amaaya continued
softly, “We try to meet for lunch every weekend, just to keep in touch.”
“How are they doing?” Duo asked eagerly. He wondered if
they were doing as well as Amaaya was. He hoped so. Maybe it was his own
strange upbringing, or rather, what little comforts he had had in his
childhood, but he had never been disgusted in the twins for their relationship.
When he had looked at them, he hadn’t seen ‘incest’ or ‘perversion’, he saw two
people who had found each other and had found something in each other, so strong and complete and utterly beautiful, that
they had risked their health and lifestyle, just to be together. Looking at
them, he had realized that ‘true love’ really did exist. It wasn’t perfect,
like in movies and greeting cards, sometimes it was strange and broken and
mangled, but it was still incredible and more beautiful than any of the
paintings surrounding the two of them now. He had felt jealous, not
uncomfortable, with their love. He had thought, when he had first met them,
that if he could find someone to love him like that, he wouldn’t care who it
was, he would hold onto it tightly, for as long as he could, the rest of the
world be damned.
“They’re living in Cambridge now,” Amaaya told him,
“They’re doing modeling for some clothing store, small time, mostly,” she
smiled affectionately, thinking of the two boys, “You know them, they’re so in
sync, not to mention beautiful, it was easy for them to get the job.”
Duo found himself nearly grinning at the thought of the,
definitely, gorgeous boys posing for some store. It seemed to suit them and he
knew that, as long as they could stay together, they didn’t really care what
they did for a living. He suspected that the only reason they had gotten out of
prostitution was their over-protective feelings for each other, and the threat
that Yuki’s death had brought to the surface.
“Duo, what’s going on?” he suddenly heard Heero’s voice
behind him and saw Amaaya look over his head with a strange expression that he
couldn’t place. He turned and saw that Heero was, indeed, approaching the two
of them from the other room. He wondered how long they had been standing there,
chatting and he also wondered, a deep blushing spreading over his pale skin,
how long Heero had been watching them. He wondered how much his friend had
heard and he could definitely see curiosity burning in those deep blue eyes. It
seemed so incredibly odd, having Amaaya and Heero in his view at the same time,
he almost wanted to do a double take or rub at his eyes or something. He also
wondered at what Heero might have said or done since he was the only one
investigating his disappearance. He felt a small bit of guilt at thinking that
he might have scared Heero, but it was fleeting since he had only been one room
over and Heero had probably heard the sound of his voice echoing in the large
room. To his shock, Amaaya stepped around him and stood in front of Heero, a
few inches taller than him, but Heero still managed to look as intimidating as
her. He didn’t know who was more shocked when she smiled disarmingly at his
best friend.
“You must be the infamous Heero Yuy,” she said cheerfully.
Duo snorted when Heero looked at her with wide eyes, unsure of what to make of
her. He knew that his best friend still had trouble with how some people dealt
with him and his notoriety. He had lived most of his life with people bowing
and scraping to please him and in total awe of his mere presence, so when he
met people that couldn’t care less, or were at least not falling all over themselves
in fear of what he could do to them, he didn’t quite know how to act. However,
when Amaaya reached her tan hand out to him, Heero took it, even as he was
looking at her as though he stumbled onto some large animal he had never seen
before and was caught between curiosity and wariness. Duo realized that Heero
hadn’t really heard what they had been talking about, which was a relief since
it would have meant a lot of explaining on his part, and didn’t know if Amaaya
was a threat or not. He would have laughed at it, but after meeting Relena and
Noventa, he understood that feeling of not knowing where you stood and,
considering Duo’s past, Heero had reason not to trust strangers in Duo’s life.
“Heero, this is Amaaya. She’s an old friend of mine.
Amaaya, this is Heero,” he introduced them.
“A new friend,” Amaaya mused with a strange grin, studying
Heero intently in a way that made Heero blush, as though she was sizing him up
and, for some reason, found him worthy of something. He wasn’t an idiot, he
could put two and two together. This girl… Amaaya… was too friendly with Duo to
be just a mere acquaintance, she looked at his friend like a lost brother. She
was too old to be a classmate, too young to be a teacher. She was beautiful,
and held herself in way that stated that she knew exactly how beautiful she was
and didn’t give a shit. That sort of posture seemed so mature for someone in
their twenties and the old pain in her eyes seemed to attest to that. There was
that same pain mirrored in Duo’s eyes as well and, at a glance, Heero realized
what, or who, he was looking at and what circle in Duo’s life this girl fell
into. It was in him to be defensive at Duo’s old life invading and he had to
look over at the longhaired boy to see how it was affecting him, but he quickly
saw that Duo was not only comfortable with Amaaya’s presence, but seemed
actually excited about it. He felt that guilt again, of realizing that he
should have thought of something so obvious, but had missed it so completely.
As painful as Duo’s past was, here was proof that there were some things that
he hadn’t wanted to leave behind and Heero felt better at knowing that he had
had someone in his life that hadn’t simply caused him pain.
The three shared an odd sort of look, simultaneously realizing
that they all knew exactly what was going on and couldn’t find any words that
wouldn’t make the situation more uncomfortable. Duo felt like he was in between
a pair of alpha wolves and he, the mutual cave in their interlinked territory
that they might fight over. He was the crossing over point between his two
friends and he had no idea what to do about it. How could he possibly explain
to Heero who Amaaya was without mentioning the others and his sordid past,
something that he was trying very hard to keep under lock and key, especially
on this trip, especially around his friends? Amaaya, at least, seemed to
understand the odd feeling of… tearing… that was going through him and put a
hand on his shoulder.
“I should probably get going,” she said softly, her eyes
meeting Heero’s instead of Duo’s, dark blue clashing with dark blue, “I hope
you enjoy the rest of your trip and, like I said, if you need anything, you
have my number,” Amaaya said sweetly, pressing her lips to Duo’s cheek in a
gentle kiss. Heero felt an odd sort of pain clutch at his heart. It was stupid,
he told himself, it was a chaste kiss, something that a big sister would do, or
perhaps even a mother, but it made him yearn to do his own kissing, something
not so chaste and innocent. Suddenly, he caught Amaaya looking at him with an
arrogant expression, challenging his jealousy, as though to say ‘don’t like it?
Do something about it.’ However, Heero refused to rise to the bait, even when
her lips left Duo’s skin and she smirked at him in triumph. Heero realized that
she wasn’t exactly fighting for Duo’s affections, more like she was smugly
pointing out how easy it was to do something he simply didn’t dare to do. When
Duo hugged the girl tightly, Heero found that it didn’t hurt as much. Oh, it
hurt, all right, but it was a sweeter kind of pain, mostly because he could see
Duo didn’t really want to leave her. He wasn’t jealous, he was mourning his
friend’s feelings, as well as noticing how cute the boy was wrapped around his
taller friend like a child begging a parent not to leave.
“I’ll call,” he promised. Heero nodded at Amaaya, grateful
that she was cutting their meeting short. He didn’t really understand her
presence, or what had happened between them in the few minutes Duo had strayed
from their group, but he didn’t like the pensive, sad look that Duo was
wearing.
“Quatre’s worried about you, he thought you got lost,”
Heero said and felt immediately bad for the prod when Duo looked guilty about
it. He told himself that he wasn’t really being manipulative, since Quatre
really had been worried.
“Bye, Amaaya,” Duo said mournfully, but the black haired
girl just smiled and waved back at him.
“Go back with your friends and have a good time,” she
urged, watching with relief as the shorter boy turned and walked back to the room
that Heero had come from. Heero watched him go, feeling incredibly strange at
what had just happened. He hated not knowing for sure, even if he thought he
was right, but he knew that Duo deserved some privacy and anything he wanted to
say about Amaaya, he would. He started to head after his friend when he felt
the girl grab his arm and pull him back. He glared at her, but the steely look
in her eyes froze him to the spot. That look reminded him of the stories of
ancient, fierce dragons his father had told him as a child.
“I love him,” she hissed in his ear, “Like the brother I
never had. He’s found something good with you and I will not let you, or anyone else on this planet, take that away. For the
first time since I met him, he’s smiling like he means it. If you hurt him, if
you make him cry, I will kill you.”
Amaaya’s voice was icy without the slightest hint of
exaggeration. Heero shivered and knew, without a doubt, that if this girl found
that he had hurt her friend, she really would kill him with no remorse. He
realized right away that he had underestimated her, she was just like him,
driven and stubborn. Instead of flinching away from her, he leaned in and
hissed his own answer.
“If I hurt him, I’ll let you,” he whispered, but his voice
was just as fierce as hers. When he pulled back, he found with a great deal of
surprise, that she was smiling at him with warm approval. She patted his
shoulder.
“Good,” she said in a normal, friendly tone, “Take care of
our little brother, Heero.”
With that, she turned and walked away from him. Heero
watched her with an intense, warm feeling in his chest.
“I will,” he promised to the empty room.
End Part 6
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