He goes running

Duo's POV

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When the phone rang that night, I jumped about six foot off the ground; I was wound tighter than a fucking spring. Then I fumbled the phone as I tried to pick it up. Jeeze, Duo, clutz much? I finally got a hold on the damn thing, took a deep breath, and answered the phone.

“Maxwell speaking.” Yeah, Duo, play it cool.

“Please don’t hang up, Duo.” Heero sounded borderline desperate.

“Okay.” Reassurance that I would listen, but I said nothing else. I didn’t like how fast my heart was beating, didn’t like the way my hands trembled as I held the phone. I decided silence was my best option.

“Really? Oh, umm…” There was silence, like he didn’t expect to be granted his request and was now at a total loss of what to do or say.

Apparently Trowa didn’t warn Heero at all, just encouraged him to try again. A flicker of amusement settled around me and then was gone as soon Heero started talking again.

”Look, Duo, I’m really sorry. Ok, I just…I needed time to think, that’s why I didn’t call. I know that’s not really a good reason, but it’s the truth.” He sounded rushed, like he had just been out running.

“Think about what, Heero?”

“You, me, us. I couldn’t be sure why I wanted you, and I…”

“Thanks.” I cut him off with sarcasm. I was completely thrilled to hear he wasn’t sure why he wanted me.

“No! That’s not what I meant. I mean, shit. I can’t even talk right.” He sounded almost defeated. It was strange to hear that tone coming from him. “Just don’t hang up, Duo. Please.”

“I won’t. I told you I wouldn’t.” My voice was soft, encouraging. Because I wanted to know what was going on in his head. Trowa was right, Heero sounded completely tormented.

“Alright.” He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. And everything slowed down then. “I can start from the beginning then. I was afraid you’d hang up before I could explain.”

“I won’t.” Jeeze, he sounded genuinely scared; I feel like I have to use kid gloves right now. This isn’t right. This isn’t Heero; this is so screwed up. I guess hearing me hang up so many times over the past two weeks left a bit of a stain in his mind.

“I know; you never lie, right?” There was a smile in his voice, but it was strained. He was trying to convince himself more than tell a joke.

“Yeah.”

“Duo, I’m really sorry. Its just…I’d wanted Zechs for so long. There was nothing and no one I wanted except him. And then you inserted yourself into the situation. It was really confusing to me.” He paused, and I had a mental image of him running his hand through his hair the same way he did that night in the beach house. “You said it yourself; you and Milliardo are nothing alike. Your looks, your manner, your sense of humor, but I found myself opening up to you, whether I liked it or not.”

He laughed then. “You’re not someone who takes ‘no’ for an answer, Duo. I meant what I said in the hotel room; I had fun with you. That’s not something to which I was accustomed. I had spent so much time feeling like I was not even worth seeing, unattractive, undesirable. Then you changed that, but you weren’t what I wanted, so I just…I don’t know, tolerated you, I guess.”

Ouch. There was a physical pain in my chest, like someone gripped my heart and squeezed.

“I wanted Zechs, and you looked nothing like him, so you weren’t attractive to me. Until we were at the club. Yeah, I wanted you to teach me at first, wanted to learn something that might make him look at me. But you changed that, too because then it wasn’t me learning for Zechs, it was me watching you. Feeling you pressed against me, the scent of you, how you laughed and smiled, your interactions with the girls. Everything changed, and I lost my footing. What I wanted changed, and I needed to know why. I needed to step back and think. I didn’t know if I could be attracted to two such different people, and I knew I was attracted to Zechs, so I was afraid I was confusing what I felt towards you.” He was being so very expressive.

It felt odd, but I did understand a bit better. “That’s why you wanted to wait, why you wanted to slow down that night.”

“Yeah, but I don’t regret it. God, it was so good. You were so good.” His voice was completely sinful when he said that, and it went straight to my cock.

“But then you ran away.” I tried to be understanding, but it still came out bitter.

“Because the sex just made everything so much more confusing. It was really good, Duo, but I needed it to be more than just physical. I couldn’t get past the lust I felt for you for several weeks afterwards. I needed to make sure I wasn’t using you; you’re too good of a person for that.” Frustration tinged his voice.

“Then you should have called and told me that, or asked me for the space you needed. But you didn’t, you avoided me. You made me feel the exact same way that Zechs made you feel.” His frustration was leaking over into me.

“I know. I didn’t realize that until I saw you yesterday. I didn’t understand how badly I hurt you. I thought it would be easier for you if I didn’t draw it out, if I cut it off cleanly.” Heero sounded genuinely remorseful, too bad, really.

“Bullshit. You were too chickenshit to talk to me about it. You didn’t do it for me; you took the easy way out.” I wanted above all things to be able to forgive him. I wanted to be with him so badly; hearing his voice and feeling my body react to it only proved this more and more to me.

But I wasn’t going to pull any punches. He hurt me, deeply, and he had to find some way to make it better. If he couldn’t, we wouldn’t work.

He sighed. “You’re right. It was just an excuse for me to take the coward’s way out. I found ways to justify to myself that it was in your benefit not mine, but you’re right. I was chickenshit, and I’m sorry.”

He was very apologetic, but what did that mean to me? “Ok, so you’re sorry. What now?”

Heero was silent for a moment. “I took the time I needed and came to a decision. I want you, Duo. I haven’t felt this way in…I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so strongly for someone. I need you to forgive me, and I want so badly to be with you.”

My heart was pounding, but my head was shaking back and forth. “But I don’t trust you, Heero. I can’t trust that you won’t run away again.” My voice trembled as I spoke.

“I won’t, Duo; just give me the chance to prove that to you.” There was a plea in his voice.

“Trust is a huge issue for me, Heero. I can’t just give it back after I’ve been burned.” Something inside of me wanted to so badly, but I couldn’t.

“Then let me earn it. I don’t care if it takes years, Duo. Just…lets just start simple. Have dinner with me.” Passionate now, his voice was fevered.

No. No, no, no, no, no. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. Fear sat heavy in my chest, and I felt like a small child.

“Please, Duo.” His voice cracked, and so did I.

“Yeah, ok, maybe.” Shit.

I heard his breath leave him in a rush. “Thank you, Duo.”

“Don’t be too grateful; that wasn’t a yes.” I was being stubborn and a bit childish, but his hurtful actions were still fresh in my mind.

“What?”

“The way I see it, you’ve got two weeks of waiting for us to be even. If in those two weeks, you make it up to me, we’ll go out. If not…if not, well, we’ll figure it out then.” It was basically a cop out. Yeah, I know. I was postponing my decision, putting it off for as long as I could.

And I called Heero chickenshit.

But I was completely at war with myself. I wanted him to be my everything; those feelings had not subsided any. I had just disguised them, twisted them into something very close to hatred. Trowa was right about that. I had this tortured little fantasy in my head about him being my soulmate, and I didn’t want to lose that.

However, he had hurt me very badly; it was hard to just forget that like nothing happened.

“Ok. I deserve that. What do I need to do?” Heero’s voice was hesitant.

“If I knew, I would tell you, but I don’t. So I can’t.” This time it was my voice that sounded defeated.

I guess Heero sensed that. “Duo…do you want anything to happen between us?” His hesitance warred with hope.

I couldn’t help it. I laughed a little. Now he asks that question. “Yeah, I did. You wouldn’t have been able to hurt me as badly as you did if I didn’t.”

At least I fell for a guy that knows what he wants and is willing to fight for it. Now I’ve just got to make sure he wants what I want. That’s the only way a relationship with him will ever work unless he learns to yield to what others want, and that will take some time. Well, maybe not too much time if he’s already learned to ask what I want.

“I’m so sorry, Duo. I’ll make it up to you; I’ll find a way.” Heero’s confidence was coming back, and that statement showed the force of his determination.

“You do that, Heero.” And, ya know, I kinda believed him.
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Reviews pretty please? I've got some ideas bubbling in my head, but I'd really like to hear some ideas about what you think Heero would do.

As always, review responses will be posted on my author's page then I'm off to work on Trinity.

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