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Atavism	By : ctsama Category: Dragon Ball Z > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 9192 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 3
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball, Dragonball Z, Dragonball Super, Resurrection 'F', or Battle of Gods or the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 11
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- 13
Fusion I

Vegeta woke slowly, his head still aching. He was still disoriented as well but he was surprised to find himself in his own bed. The robe was gone and he was in one of the giant t-shirts and drawstring sweatpants he wore when he was too heavily pregnant to wear anything else. He was clean again. He winced. That couldn’t have been an easy task, but he was grateful for it. He felt fingers in his and looked down to see Goku asleep next to him, only touching his hand. He stirred and came awake quickly, feeling Vegeta finally awake. “Vegeta, thank goodness! You’ve been out for a long time, I was starting to get worried.”

Vegeta pushed himself upright, ignoring the pain in his backside and brushing off Goku’s concerns. “I’m fine Kakarot. Have you heard from Piccolo? Are the girls all right? Trunks?”

“Yes, they’re all safe. I went to check on them as soon as you were settled, I didn’t leave for long. It’s neat, I’ve never seen Piccolo so content. It was a good idea to ask him to care for them. They’re so beautiful.”

A wave of intense longing washed over him, he saw Vegeta crying alone, curled up in his bed and Goku put a hand to his head to steady it. Vegeta noticed and cursed, blocking himself off more than he normally did. “We’re too close, I forgot to shield.”

“What the hell was that?” Goku asked, taken aback by the power of the emotion.

“The children.” Vegeta looked away. “I... miss them. I miss them all. It is better this way but it has not been easy.”

Goku couldn’t imagine what it had been like, doing all that alone without any idea of what to expect. It touched the nerve that had been flaring since he’d found out he had four children he’d never met, and had been given no say in their conception. “And going it alone was better than telling me what you were doing exactly why? You couldn’t have thought I’d object to fostering them out as long as we’re still involved, and you knew I had no problem with a male partner, so what was it, Vegeta?”

As unprepared as he was to deal with Goku’s wrath, he knew that the sooner they had this out the better. The thought of losing Goku now, especially after having saved him from Gohan, filled him with a sick feeling deep inside. All he really wanted to do was curl up in Goku’s lap until he felt stronger but he knew he wasn’t entitled to any more of Goku’s kindness after what he’d done.

“You were at your wife’s side all through her first pregnancy and you would have been there for the second as well had you not been so inconveniently dead at the time. If you had felt that obligation with me it would have gone over so very well with the harpy, don’t you think?” Vegeta said, voice dripping with sarcasm. “You’ve always been too noble for your own good, Kakarot!”

Goku felt like throttling him but took a deep breath instead. It was bad enough he was pushing this now, but he never could handle distance between them very well and he needed it gone. The least he could do was to not completely lose his temper. “It should have been my choice to make. Whether you like my decisions or not I am entitled to make them, Vegeta.”

Vegeta growled back, equally frustrated. “Fucking a man and getting a child on one are two totally different things. The odds of you or anyone reacting well to that were low. How was that conversation supposed to go? Something about me being an ancient genetic aberration and needing you to fuck me when I go into heat like some mindless animal?”

“Surprise, Vegeta, I would have agreed no matter how the conversation went! I happen to think what you’ve done is amazing, and incredibly brave. It wouldn’t have been a difficult decision.” Vegeta looked like he’d swallowed a bug. “And I’m not buying it. You’ve given me reasons, but you haven’t told me why. There’s something else, I can feel it. I want all of it, you owe me that.”

Vegeta was suddenly very tired. There had been too many people in his mind lately. For someone who rarely liked to tell anyone the whole truth it was disconcerting to have someone pick the truth out of his mind like fruit from a tree. But he did owe Goku that truth. What was more, he needed to make it right. It meant something to him. “If I had asked you… you could have said no. If you had, I would have had to either let our race die, or proceed anyway knowing for sure you didn’t want any part in it. Live with the guilt of the secret, let the Saiyan race go extinct, or risk truly becoming one of the monsters from my past? I chose the lesser sin. Certainly not the bravest decision I’ve ever made, but the only one I could live with.”

He rose and even though he made no outward sign Goku knew it hurt. He stopped exactly an arm’s length away from where Goku sat on the edge of the bed. “While I can’t say I am sorry for what I did, I do… greatly regret the pain I’ve caused you Kakarot. I acknowledge that you are stronger than me,” he conceded, folding his arms behind his back while Goku watched, confused for a moment. “And I have gone against you. Only a King is exempt from discipline, and technically I never gained the title. I yield.”

Goku was at a loss for words but ever since Vegeta’s change he was beginning to understand and recognize certain things from their shared heritage, as if his blood was teaching him a language he’d forgotten, maybe even when he’d cracked his head as a child. This fit into that, something in him seemed to know what to do so he went with it. He raised his hand toward Vegeta’s unprotected chest.

He didn’t want to kill Vegeta, didn’t even want to hurt him, what he’d been through had been so unbelievably shattering he didn’t want to add to it.

But he was also angry. So angry. He should have been there to protect his mate, to protect his children. Should have understood the significance of the mind-blowing acts that had conceived them.

That anger began to manifest and build in his hand, hot and swirling ki that sucked in his frustration as well. Vegeta shut his eyes, drew in a deep breath waiting for the impact which - unguarded as he was - could easily kill him.

Goku frowned as he realized Vegeta had every intention of taking the hit, even knowing the likely fatal consequence. He reached out, felt Vegeta strangely calm about the prospect. Both that and the show of repentance soaked into him, mollifying his temper. The ki dispersed as quickly as it had formed.

His hand pressed instead to Vegeta’s stomach and he jumped, eyes flashing open, expecting a more volatile impact. “How often do you see the children?”

“At least once a week. I don’t interact with them that often though. Most of the time I just… watch. I don’t just check on them. I can feel it when they get upset, and once they’ve gotten a little older and have learned how they’ll be able to call to me if anything goes wrong. Their safety is paramount.”

“I want to see our children.”

Vegeta had expected that. “I’ll take you to them whenever you want.”

“Show me now.”

That hand circled around his waist and pulled him closer. Goku rested his forehead against Vegeta’s stomach and waited. His breath was warm against him even through his shirt and Vegeta was confused. He tried to read Goku without being obvious but he wouldn’t look up. Nevertheless he opened himself up to all the experiences he’d had with the first two sets of twins, the brash confidence of their firstborn son and the calm, sure strength of his sister. The sweet-natured serenity of their twin sons. The look of them, the feel of them, their scent, the fears, frustrations, and joys they’d brought… Vegeta shared it all until Goku knew them as he did.

When the contact wound down he found he’d returned Goku’s embrace, and he felt the warmth of tears seeping into his shirt. “They’re beautiful.” Thank you, Vegeta.

He didn’t have to ask ‘for what?’ He could feel the answer.

Goku shifted, face nuzzling gently into him. “How many more children?”

Vegeta swallowed hard, nervous because he still wasn’t able to get a read on Goku. “Six was the minimum. I thought it would take longer, but between throwing twins every time and their accelerated growth it’s gone quickly. Considering everything that’s happened I’d say we leave things the way they are. I won’t trouble you further.”

“No.” The almost dangerous tone was enough to make Vegeta tense up. “You wanted six from me. And you denied me the right to be there when four of our children were born, both for you and for them. You owe me.”

Vegeta snorted, but his amusement tapered off as Goku’s hard gaze finally met and bored into his eyes. “You can’t be serious,” he said softly, but Goku’s expression said he was. “You have no right to demand that of me!” he breathed in shock.

“Not until you’re healed, and not until you finally trust me fully and without question. But we’re going to do this my way at least once. I have every right to demand that of you and you know it.”

The bond, that gods-damned bond.

Vegeta cursed silently, backed away from Goku and those warm arms around him. “No. Kakarot, you don’t understand. We need to shut this bond down. I think you can stop the contact. If you pull it out from my end it won’t hurt you. It would still be there but at least it would be disconnected, you wouldn’t have to feel me through it. I can show you how.”

Goku felt like he’d been punched in the gut. “Break our bond? Why?”

“Don’t be stupid, Kakarot. I don’t think your harpy is going to take kindly to you being bonded to me for life, and there’s no way you’re going to be able to hide it over time. You need to be back home before any of this shit hits the fan.”

“And what happens to you? If you’re cut off from me again-”

“That’s not your concern,” Vegeta interrupted harshly.

Normally it was damn near impossible to figure out when Vegeta was telling the whole truth, part of the truth or just trying to mask the truth, but it was getting easier. He could feel the difference now.

Something was off, and Goku’s brow furrowed when he figured out what it was. “You don’t know.” Goku said quietly. “It’s been a long time. You got used to me, didn’t you? And when you couldn’t feel me anymore… That’s what went wrong, somehow that’s what was killing you.” Vegeta’s expression of surprise mixed with shame told Goku he hadn’t considered this before, but it was most likely true. That brittle feeling about him was still there. Diminished, but still present. “You’re still not totally healed, either. No, no way.”

Vegeta’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean, ‘no?’ Worry about your own life! I appreciate you getting Go- your… returning my mind to me, but now you’re stuck with me unless we can untangle this. I won’t have you bound to me because you mistakenly think I’m too weak to survive without you.”

“Is that really why you think I strengthened our bond, out of pity? Just to free you?”

Vegeta stopped, a wry smile twisted his lips. “Your obsessive need to try to save everyone has been well documented, Kakarot. Why else?”

Goku had begun to get angry again, but the anger left him, leaving sadness in its wake. “Vegeta, look.” He closed his eyes, opened his mind. He waited, knew Vegeta would be hesitant, but finally he felt a gentle touch, Vegeta searching.

Vegeta pulled back in horror. “What have you done? You and Chi-Chi are-”

“Splitsville,” Goku smiled. “Months ago, after you came to me. She was pretty pissed at first but we were able to talk it out. Even she couldn’t argue with the fact that I wasn’t ready for a family by the time I had one. It took a couple of months to get on the same page but we did. I just had to make her face the fact that I’m never going to be able to be what she wants. We both knew it, we just didn’t want to think about what that meant.”

“But… She doesn’t know about…”

“About the children? No. About us? Yes. She deserved that truth. She even thanked me at the end, for trying so hard. I didn’t see that coming.”

“What about Goten? Isn’t it some kind of awful thing to separate with children on this planet?”

Goku laughed. “Maybe if he was fully human, but Goten is more like me than Chi-Chi. Actually we were afraid to tell him. We planned it out, everything he might say and what we should say back, but he just wanted to know when dinner was. He knows we love him, knows Chi-Chi is still there to cook for him and I’m still there to teach him new ways to pound on your son. There’s less stress in Chi-Chi and me now and he feels it. If anything I’d say he’s happier.”

Vegeta kept trying to wrap his head around what Goku was telling him, but he was failing. “And you did all this... because you think you… care for me?”

As frustrating as this was a part of Goku felt like chuckling. ‘Now I know how Piccolo felt.’ “No, I did it because it was the right thing to do for all three of us. Because I meant everything I said, I’m not leaving you ever again. I don’t ‘think I care for you.’ I love you Vegeta. I have for a long time. And you love me too. Even though I reached back, the bond we share started with you.”

Vegeta buried his head in his hands for a minute. This wasn’t going well. He was going to have to be enough of a heartless bastard to drive Goku away, to make him believe it was best. “Look, I didn’t know what I was doing, and neither did you, Kakarot. It happened by accident, this is all just one big accident! You just don’t understand, you’re mistaking the pity and kindness you feel for love. And me? Love you?” he scoffed. “I don’t love you, I can’t love anyone. Don’t you get it? I don’t even know what that means. I needed you for my plans so I used you, that’s all there is to it. I got what I needed from you and now we’re done, Kakarot. Now get out of here, go back to your life.”

Goku stared at him for a moment and Vegeta inwardly steeled himself to bear the weight of his anger. But to his surprise Goku only snorted. “Bullshit, Vegeta. You’re going to have to do better than that. If it had been Nappa? My brother? Anyone but me? Would you have done this?”

Vegeta opened his mouth, closed it after a moment, looked away. “I don’t know,” he finally answered honestly.

“Well I do, and the answer is no. It had to be me. Using me? I didn’t forget everything, Vegeta. I remember having to drag the pleasure out of you because you felt so guilty about what you were doing. I’m not going anywhere.”

Goku wasn’t running a monopoly on frustration and Vegeta was about ready to just try smacking his head right off his shoulders. “Stop being so stubborn! I’ve told you before, I cannot have a… I can’t care for you! I don’t have anything to give except pain. It’s all I have, it’s all I know.” Vegeta began to pace angrily. He struggled for the words and the end of his tail began flicking around in response to his frustration. “I’m not… good. Inside me there is only... It will hurt you.”

“Show me, Vegeta. Open up. Let me judge.”

Goku wasn’t about to back down and Vegeta knew it. He motioned for Goku to stand, touched his shoulder and brought them both to an empty desert. Goku was puzzled but didn’t object. Vegeta took his hands and closed his eyes.

“A demonstration seems to be in order. Just remember to breathe, Kakarot.”

“Vegeta, what-”

And he was falling.

Soul-killing, murderous rage welled up in Goku, and he roared in fury as it engulfed him. Sadness, grief, all-consuming loneliness followed, swirled and threatened to drown him. Goku’s head snapped up as a cry of pure misery escaped him. Pain, such terrible pain…

He was lost in it, buffeted and he knew it would consume him no matter how hard he fought.

//Find the light. Fight your way to it. It’s the only way.//

It took Goku what seemed like hours to find what Vegeta wanted him to. As he tried to lift free of the twisted morass it clung to him, tried to pull him back under. Escape seemed impossible. He was suffocating in it…

//Breathe, Kakarot! Stay in control. The second you let go you’ll be lost to it.//

Emboldened, he fought his way free. He climbed with fingers and limbs that seemed both frozen and on fire from cold, painfully managed to get to the safety of that light.

He floated up into it and was stunned to find warmth. It bathed him, and faded as Vegeta slowly broke off contact. He found himself in his second form gathered close to Vegeta’s chest, a crater splayed outward from their position on the ground. Clearly his body had been trying to fight what his mind had been going through. He took a deep breath and powered down. “You knew that would happen?”

“I knew you weren’t going to react well,” Vegeta snorted. “I wasn’t about to let you destroy my house.”

“How often does it get that bad?”

“Kakarot, that’s just how I wake up most mornings. No one survives what I have and gets to walk away clean. It gets better, it gets worse, but it’s always there waiting.”

Goku shivered and Vegeta brought him closer. For a long moment neither spoke. All the conflict and pain between them since Vegeta had awoken was so quickly and easily forgotten in each other’s arms. Vegeta spoke again with great reluctance. “Now you understand. This bond has to be destroyed. I’m strong but even I can’t stay shielded forever. When I falter, that is what you will face. I won’t put you through that, it is my burden alone.”

“No, there’s something… What was that light?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Vegeta growled before pushing Goku away and bringing them back to his home. He didn’t bother taking them inside, he just needed Goku to leave. He had planned on Goku understanding how impossible it was, but it didn’t seem to be working. “Go home Kakarot. I won’t pretend to be upset that you and the harpy are no longer together, but even alone you are better off than you would be with me.”

‘This is it,’ Goku thought. “No! I can be just as pigheaded as you, Vegeta. Tell me what I want to know.”

Vegeta knew damned well he’d never truly dealt with any of the rapes he’d endured through his life, nor any of the abuse. Why should he have bothered coming to emotional terms with something so heinous when it would just be repeated? He learned how to push it away, to bury the encounters while still holding on to all the rage they inspired to lend him strength when he needed it.

It wasn’t usually a problem. But now was a different story. In feeding off his pain Gohan had brought all of it to the surface. His nerves were live wires and Goku was pushing on them too hard. Everything Vegeta had been burying began boiling to the surface. His hand clenched into a fist and out again of its own accord.

He took several breaths before speaking. His voice sounded foreign to him, the low, forced calm in it entirely at odds with what he was holding in. “Kakarot, I am warning you. Leave. Now.”

Goku knew. He saw, felt it. But he kept backing Vegeta into a corner because deep down Vegeta needed him to. He remembered everything Gohan had told him about Vegeta’s nature, reached out, wrapped an arm around Vegeta’s waist, felt him startle at the contact. “You wanted this before, I could feel it when we were together. Now that you know I’m not afraid of what’s inside of you, and you aren’t taking me away from my family there’s nothing left to fear. What’s changed?”

“Everything. I thought I knew what this bond was. But after… What he wanted from me was… He was feeding off me, and I could feel him draining me, using me to make himself stronger. I think the bond works differently because of what I am and he knew it. I can’t. Even if it’s you, I can’t live like that.”

“You’re right. He told me some of that after you passed out,” Goku confirmed. Vegeta stiffened and tried to pull away but Goku only held him tighter. “But I’m not him. And I won’t dance around this anymore Vegeta. You are my mate. You chose to belong to me a long time ago and it’s time to accept that.”

Goku’s carefully chosen words had the desired effect and he shuddered half in longing and half in fear. No matter how benign the dictator he wouldn’t be enslaved, not ever again and after Gohan’s treatment he didn’t didn’t know if a bond could be forged with him any other way. He wouldn’t be alone anymore if he let this happen, but his freedom was too high a price.

Goku smelled so good, felt so good and Vegeta rested his forehead against his chest almost against his will. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, maybe he could do it. Goku was the only person whose touch he’d truly enjoyed. And had the entirety of their race been alive there was no one else he would have chosen. If he had to give up his will to someone else it would have to be Goku.

His eyes drifted shut, fingers curled into the fabric of his gi. He didn’t think Goku would demand as much from him as his son had, but he’d been wrong about people he thought he knew well before. And if he was wrong this time the imbalance of power between them was too great right now to end in anything but to be completely dominated.

He knew what a mating bond was supposed to be, but had experienced how wrong it could go. Goku’s other arm wrapped around him. He felt safe again. He shivered. He’d felt safe when Zarbon had touched him as a child. He’d even felt safe for a brief moment in that gods-forsaken meadow when he thought he’d gotten through to Gohan. Safety could be the most dangerous lie of all.

He wanted it.

His hands clenched too tightly. “Gods…” he hissed through gritted teeth.

Was terrified of it.

His fingers went slack and a word left his lips in a barely audible moan.

“No…”

Vegeta’s frustration reached the breaking point and the speed of it caught him off guard. Between one breath and the next Vegeta burst into his Super Saiyan form with a strangled cry, the astonishing power of which was fed by all the pain Vegeta had kept inside for almost his entire life. Goku flew backward, barely regaining his footing without tumbling away.

“You left me alone for years,” he roared. “Believed me willing to accept someone else’s seed and now you come to claim me? Now?! After everything he… You’ll do to me what he did, you won’t have a choice and I can’t, I can’t take the chance! Stop pushing me and leave me the fuck alone!”

Vegeta’s body was completely shot. Transmitting earlier had used up what little power he’d accumulated and he was in considerable pain. What faced Goku was pure rage converted into power by their Saiyan blood.

He nodded to himself, satisfied. It was now what it needed to be between them. He didn’t want Vegeta reluctant, seduced into this by thousands of years of programming and tradition because he had no choice. Vegeta was too strong for that, he could never accept it.

He wanted to win him. Had to win him.

Goku crossed his arms and powered up as well. “Make me leave, if you can.”

Vegeta exploded toward him fueled solely by fury and pain. He slammed into Goku, punching and kicking him so hard it knocked him off his feet. Goku was finally able to kick him off and began a counterattack, but Vegeta just met it and kept pushing forward. His power level was far higher than anything Goku had expected and he had to push himself up to level two in order to keep up.

Vegeta took to the sky and Goku followed. He’d fought Vegeta before to prove he was strong enough to sire his children. Now he was fighting to prove he could be a worthy mate as well, someone Vegeta could trust with body, mind and soul. Losing this fight meant losing him and that was unacceptable.

Vegeta’s movements were near instantaneous and completely unpredictable. In all his time spent in seclusion, ki containment seemed to have become second nature. As a result none of this incredible rage energy was being wasted; Vegeta could probably keep fighting for hours. Goku’s hits on him were numbingly painful, he knew, but Vegeta barely seemed to notice them. He finally managed to get Vegeta back on the ground with a solid blow. The smaller Saiyan twisted under him, delivering a kick to his chin that sent him flying into the air again, but as he flew backward he got a good look at Vegeta’s face.

The rage energy had bleached his eyes completely white, but even so tears were streaming down his cheeks, probably unnoticed. Goku’s heart clenched and a small, choked sound escaped his lips.

Anyone who had ever touched Vegeta without permission had been long gone. He’d thought that indignity in his past, let himself move on as much as he was able. But it had happened again and far, far worse, this time at the hands of the son of the man he loved. Goku remembered everything Gohan had said to him in that brutal, sickening rape of his mind, using all his fears and uncertainties against him.

Vegeta was fighting him because he was afraid. Afraid that Gohan had been right about everything. Afraid Goku would leave him again, turn away from him again. Afraid of trusting only to be betrayed and hurt yet again.

“Why Kakarot?” he roared, muscles tensing in preparation to launch after him again. “Why can I never defeat you?”

Goku didn’t know where the words came from. But it didn’t matter because they were the truth. “Because when you beat me it’s over, and you’ve never wanted an end to us!”

The answer caught Vegeta off guard. He hesitated and Goku took advantage. He flashed out, reappeared too close for Vegeta to block and kneed him in the gut. Before he could react Goku drew on everything he could and hit him so hard it knocked him through one tree and slammed him into another.

While he was still dazed Goku followed after him, pulled him up and trapped Vegeta’s hands behind him, bringing them both to the ground in a hold. Vegeta’s eyes went wide when his knees hit the ground on either side of Goku’s thighs. “What the fuck are you doing Kakarot? This isn’t over!”

Vegeta’s rage only intensified. As he tried to struggle free the ground beneath them fractured and roiled, rocks rising all around them. All that energy buffeted Goku, crackled and shocked his skin and nerves but still he held on.

Goku ignored it all, focused on the tortured creature twisting wildly in his arms. He risked his hold by freeing a hand to touch his face, raised it slowly as Vegeta watched him warily. “I left you, for a long time.” Vegeta’s struggles slowed as he thumbed away some of the tears and confessed his wrongdoings. “I was too blind to protect you when you really needed me. I’ve made mistakes and I’ll probably make more, but I’ll always be here to fix them. I swear to you I will never leave you again. You do know me, Vegeta, better than anyone. Don’t doubt that.”

Vegeta lowered his gaze, the fury sustaining him running out of him like water. He was fighting though he didn’t even know if he even wanted to win. He lost the transformation and the earth returned to itself. It was over. “Damn you, Kakarot,” Vegeta said softly without any heat. “Is this the part where you claim your prize?” he asked bitterly.

“No,” Goku responded, dropping out of his transformation as well. He released Vegeta’s wrists and kept up that gentle touch. “This is the part where you tell me what that light was,” he said again softly.

“It was you,” Vegeta admitted in defeat. “It was you, it is you, it always has been you, and always will be you.”

Goku thought back to that awful warped pain that had dragged him down. Those times they had been separated by death or interference, that light had gone. Vegeta had had no respite from the pain and the constant struggle against reverting to the brutal, vicious ways of old that had served him so well under Freeza’s rule.

Vegeta followed his thoughts, surprised. “Maybe so,” he finally agreed.

“We need each other, Vegeta. I want you, all of you as you are. But I’m not going to force you into anything. This has to be your choice. I’ll abide by whatever you want, but you cannot decide based on your fears.”

Vegeta could feel his heart beginning to thud heavily in his chest, as if it were straining for recognition. Goku’s words were soft and so tempting. But too dangerous for both of them.

He had to be strong. They were just words. He could say them. He didn’t have to mean them. Repetition spun falsehoods into truths all the time. Vegeta started to speak but Goku interrupted him.

No. I want truth, I mean it. Tell me this way.

“I… don’t… Kakarot, what I want doesn’t matter. It never has.”

“You’re wrong. What you want is all that matters to me.”

Vegeta closed his eyes. He and his heart hadn’t been on speaking terms since it had - in all its eight years of wisdom - called out for Zarbon’s false gentleness. He had never forgiven it that betrayal. But he found that now of all times, it was the only part of him that had any idea of what to say and it was insistent.

//I like doing things for you because you smile and when you smile it gets easier to keep going. I love fighting against you because then you’re with me and I’m with you and it’s just… us. When you aren’t with me I miss you and I want to be where you are. I thought I knew what emptiness was until you died and I was without you. I never want to be apart from you again, not ever.//

It was halting, uncertain, more than a little ashamed and far more beautiful than anything Goku had ever seen in those movies Chi-Chi had liked to make him watch. Everything Vegeta wanted he could make happen, all of it, he could feel it.

Vegeta, that is love. You’ve gone through so much trying to protect me from what’s inside you. It’s my turn now.

//What if… you’re wrong?//

“Remind me to tell you what my human name means sometime,” Goku said with a small smile. “I’m not wrong. But you have to let me in. If I have to force you open I’ll always have control over you.”

//...That’s not… what you want.//

It wasn’t really a statement, not even a question. It was a plea. He wrapped an arm around Vegeta’s waist.

No Vegeta. I swear to you I don’t want what he did. I don’t want to use you or control you, I never have. I want to free you.

Vegeta shuddered in his arms at that. Something inside him was trying to come out, Goku could feel it. Something awful. He held on tighter, stroked Vegeta’s back and whispered to him, trying to let him know he wasn’t alone. At first only choking sounds escaped him. After a few aborted tries Vegeta drew in a long ragged breath and gave life to it.

It violently ripped free from deep inside, jarring them both in its escape. It snapped his body into a tight arch in its force, Vegeta’s eyes tightly closed as well.

It was the sound of a child screaming out for help and receiving no answer. It was the sound of terror and rage and loneliness so profound they had devoured parts of him whole, warping who he was. And it was the sound of a long-dead hope being revived, of someone being given something needed that they had long ago despaired of ever even finding. Goku’s eyes clenched shut against the unbearable pain of it all.

When it finally ended Vegeta all but collapsed on him. Goku almost wept at the feeling of Vegeta trying for him, struggling to open himself up as he had never done before. But he just didn’t know how to do it on his own. Goku waited. Finally, it came.

//I don’t… know how. Help me.//

Vegeta let his head fall back and Goku eagerly latched onto his throat with his lips. He bit down with no preamble, eager to feel the completion they’d been building toward for so long. A sharp, indrawn breath later the bond flared open from Vegeta’s side and Goku fell into it.

He could feel what was supposed to happen, what he was supposed to do, taking over the bond between them. Not violently and with permission, but dominating in all aspects. Though the idea was thrilling he had spoken the truth. He had no interest in a subservient mate, content to feed their own power off to someone else who would fight their battles for them. He needed Vegeta fighting at his side, needed his fiery temper, his brash stubbornness and love of the fight, needed those things like he needed air and couldn’t live without them.

He felt the roaring of his blood telling him what to do and he fought it as he felt Vegeta doing the same. It took everything he had not to give in to the urge to crush Vegeta’s will underneath his own. They would go their own way, as they always had.

Instead of one taking and one giving, they reached for one another with a balancing hand. All that remained was to cement the connection with their will. Goku felt something slide and shift from Vegeta before it happened, but it didn’t seem that anything was different. There was an almost electric sizzle as the bond, finally complete after so many years, snapped into place.

They took several slow breaths together once it was done, feeling the changes intensely.

Vegeta had been afraid his darkness would consume Goku. So when Goku’s pure soul flooded him with that brilliant light he’d only had in small doses Vegeta moaned. He felt his body and mind going limp with the calm that filled him as it freed him from the pain and anger that dragged at him daily, that had crippled him for so long.

That grounding presence filled him again for the first time since Gohan’s first assault, and it filled him more fully than it ever had before. And now that his anchor had returned he reached for it desperately, latched onto it once again and Vegeta’s strength of mind and soul, lost for a dangerously long time snapped back into place around it, both fully restored and fully healed of the damage done by Gohan’s attacks.

Goku trembled as their minds met and melded. Vegeta’s presence was almost overwhelming in its strength, even now. He had always admired Vegeta’s aptitude for learning and determination, always been more than a little envious of his intelligence and how quickly he was able to pick up and master new techniques. Now he found that what he knew had been just the tip of the iceberg. What filled him now was a tenacity and strength of will that could only have come from thriving in the face of a lifetime of abuse. There were so many mistakes he’d made in the past that he knew he’d never make again because of what Vegeta had just given him.

“We’re both better off,” Vegeta whispered incredulously. “How is that possible?”

“My Vegeta,” Goku sighed. “We’ve always been stronger together.” He nuzzled closer to Vegeta, enjoying the feel of the other’s arms around his neck. His cheek rested on Goku’s head and his tail curled around his waist. Goku pulled Vegeta’s legs over his arm and lifted them both off the ground like that, flying them both back into the bedroom.

He laid them both down together, not willing to separate even for a moment. They explored the bond, each other, and finally slept. Linked in mind, they even dreamed together.

____________________________________________________________________________
“Oh-ho! That was unexpected!”

“Wait, did they just…”

“I believe so!”

She turned away from the projection, her already round eyes bulging further. “This is terrible! Jeez, talk about a troublesome race. Saiyans haven’t been permitted to bond this way for thousands of years! You’re going to be in deep trouble when he wakes up!”

“Oh, how was I supposed to know what they were going to do? It’s not my fault. Besides, it’s too late now. It’s done.”

“I still say this is getting ridiculous. You need to stop watching them and get to work. If he wakes up and you haven’t even started training them it’s going to mean trouble!”

“I know. But this is so interesting!” he lamented. “Just a little while longer. I’m gathering information after all,” he said, settling down with his tea once more. “Being surprised is such a rare thing for me. Let me enjoy it.”

____________________________________________________________________________
Vegeta woke first. Goku snored lightly away, one arm hooked around his waist and a leg thrown across him. He smiled, stroked Goku’s hair and smiled a little wider. ‘It is fluffy.’

Goku sighed and pushed into his hand in his sleep. ‘Hedonist.’ Goku’s erection swelled against his hip as he petted, and Vegeta looked into his mind, curious as to what he was dreaming about now. His eyes widened. Goku was holding him by the hips, thrusting up into him as he rode him.

Vegeta pulled away from the contact, frozen for a moment. Goku moaned and pressed his head into his neck, breathing in deeply. Shallow thrusts against his hip followed and his need seeped into Vegeta’s mind over the newly completed bond.

As much as he’d feared it making the decision was surprisingly easy. He pushed lightly against Goku’s shoulder. Used to sleeping with the comparatively fragile Chi-Chi, Goku responded quickly, rolling over onto his back. Vegeta straddled him, taking his cock in hand behind him. Goku shivered as he stroked but Vegeta realized he didn’t trust himself to be able to do this without the effects of his heat cycle shielding him from the worst of his anxiety. Curious, he reached into their bond and let his mate’s need fill him and it had much the same effect, giving him the buffer he needed to continue.

He knew it was going to hurt worse than usual and bit his lip to stifle any unwanted sound. He lifted himself over Goku’s erection, swished his tail out of the way and took a deep breath and held it. His mate was thick and long, and going slowly would only draw out the pain. He released the breath, lowering himself in one smooth motion and not stopping until he had taken all of Goku inside him.

A small sound of pain escaped him but Goku’s cry of pleasure drowned it and was music to Vegeta’s ears. His hands flew to Vegeta’s hips, still partially immersed in the dream. When Goku didn’t immediately attack him, Vegeta began to ride him slowly, trying to get used to the stabbing burn of his still-damaged passage. Goku was moaning his name, arching into him and it was worth the pain.

Goku’s hands began to wander and the touch was almost hypnotic. It distracted from the pain and he pulled his shirt off to get more of it and was almost immediately rewarded. As Goku began to wake he started pulling Vegeta down into each thrust. He flinched at the increase in pace but kept up, focusing on Goku’s reactions to his movements. If he rolled his hips here, squeezed there then...

He closed his eyes in satisfaction as he was rewarded with Goku’s shouts. Vegeta couldn’t help a small smile as the first Super Saiyan in a thousand years turned into a wound-up mass of need underneath him. He ran his hands over as much skin as he could reach and Goku shuddered and gasped at the contact, beginning to lose control. He let Goku take over as he approached his climax. Goku gripped Vegeta’s hips tightly and bucked his own up hard into that tight channel a few more times and came as Vegeta’s name left his lips.

He let Goku pull him down into a kiss and Vegeta could feel his contentment thrumming through him. As he caught his breath he mused that it was the first time he had given pleasure to another man for no other reason than he wanted to. It was gratifying. Goku caught the thought and Vegeta smiled at his dumbfounded expression. He stroked the side of Vegeta’s face, smiling gently back. Goku slipped out of him and he hissed at the sharp pain. Goku’s reaction was confusing to him.

The hazy contentment fogging his thoughts cleared quickly. “Vegeta? What…” He frowned. One of his hands left his hips and slid around to his backside, touching lightly. Vegeta managed not to flinch but Goku brought his hand back and stared at the cloudy red liquid on his fingers. Gohan had torn into him just yesterday, and he hadn’t even used anything to ease the way.

“You didn’t have to do anything, you could have done anything else… Why that? Why let me fuck you?” He asked, bewildered.

Vegeta frowned at him as though he were being dense. “That’s what you were dreaming. You wanted it, I could feel it.”

‘I like doing things for you...’

Being indulgent with his wants had always been one of the few ways Vegeta had been able to show he cared. Goku closed his eyes and took a slow breath. He needed to calm himself. Vegeta didn’t even know why he was upset, he had sensed a need and had met it. “I don’t want it to be this way.”

Vegeta shrugged, lifting an eyebrow. Incredibly dense. “What way? Are you upset that it hurt? You’d better get used to it. It always hurts, it always bleeds, it’s normal. I didn’t mind it, it’s not like you made me do it. Why are you…” he frowned. “Angry?”

“I’m not… Okay, I’m a little angry. But not with you.”

“Then what?” Vegeta asked, genuinely curious.

It was part of what Vegeta had been afraid of, infecting Goku with his ‘normal,’ maybe even hurting him with it. Taking him this way had hurt and drawn blood because it had always hurt, had always made him bleed, every single time.

Normal.

By the time most boys were getting interested in sex Vegeta had already had all he could stomach of what he knew of the act. Goku thought back and couldn’t remember a single good, old-fashioned locker room sexcapade conversation between himself and his friends over the years that Vegeta hadn’t rolled his eyes and walked away from before it got very far. He couldn’t picture Vegeta as being particularly interested in porn either, so sex education between males had begun and ended as an exercise in dominance and punishment. As far as he knew it was only pleasurable for whoever was strong enough to be the one on top. Since it was going to hurt anyway the only thing that really mattered was whether or not he had a choice in the matter. Having that was more than enough for him.

If Goku didn’t want Vegeta to associate him with that kind of pain he was going to have to set some ground rules for a while. Even now Goku could feel Vegeta’s confusion and self-consciousness over the bond at his extended silence.

“Sorry. I guess I’m just angry with everything that shaped your ‘normal.’”

“You didn’t seem to dislike it,” he said uncertainly.

“It’s not that, oh my god is it ever not that,” Goku added with a shiver. “You are amazing. That thing you did with your hips should be illegal. And I still can’t feel my toes. But…” Goku shook himself. “I can’t hurt you. You need things to feel good right now, you’re not ready for more than that yet.”

“I’m no blushing bride, Kakarot.”

“Actually, you kind of are. That’s the problem,” Goku said sadly. “Everything you know is wrong. This shouldn’t hurt, Vegeta.”

Vegeta snorted. “We’re Saiyan. Everything hurts.”

“Okay, you have a point,” Goku conceded. They were who they were, at some point their spars were going to end in violence, blood and pleasure. “But if there’s no pleasure in the pain, there’s something wrong, and the only pleasure you took just now was from my enjoyment.”

“I don’t understand you,” Vegeta growled.

“And that’s why you’re not ready. So trust me, we’re just going to slow down for a while, okay?”

Goku rolled them over, propping Vegeta up against the pillows while he made himself quite comfortable between Vegeta’s parted thighs.

Vegeta arched an eyebrow at him. “You call this slowing down?”

“I do, actually. Now just relax and enjoy.” He dipped his head before Vegeta could respond, taking a long, loving taste of his cock from root to tip. Vegeta swelled against his tongue and Goku moved to the tip, flicking his tongue against it as Vegeta gasped and trembled.

He frowned when he felt Vegeta’s hands against his shoulders. “Stop, Kakarot!” Goku stopped immediately and Vegeta was surprised. Goku realized no one had ever stopped when he told them to before.

“You say stop, I stop. That’s how this works, at least until we mend some things. Now what’s wrong?”

“That hurts. A lot. Don’t.” Goku frowned, not understanding. Oral sex was one of the greatest things in the universe as far as he was concerned.

‘What on Earth is he so worried about…’ He pushed a little to see what Vegeta was thinking about. All the times he’d been forced into oral sex, hands holding him down too long, too far, gagging him near to unconsciousness beginning with Zarbon breaking his jaw when he was a child played out before him.

Goku shook his head, at a loss for words and unable to respond for a moment. Vegeta didn’t want to hurt him, didn’t want to feel pleasure at the expense of his pain. “No Vegeta. This is different. It’s not supposed to hurt either one of us, trust me. I want this. You taste really, really good.”

Goku waited, smiling as Vegeta wrestled with his words. Finally Vegeta responded to his certainty, taking his hands off his shoulders and letting him go. Goku smiled brightly at him and went back to business. “Now, where was I?”

He circled the head of Vegeta’s cock with his tongue and Vegeta gasped, eyes drifting shut. A hand flew to his mouth, biting his finger to stop himself from making any noise. Goku slid down his length slowly, savoring Vegeta’s pleasure. Breathing through his nose Vegeta’s scent filled him and he moaned. God, the man was walking, talking addiction and he wasn’t even in heat.

Vegeta continued to gasp, choking back sounds that Goku wanted to hear. His other hand clenched spasmodically in the sheets and this wasn’t what Goku had in mind.

He pulled himself off Vegeta’s cock, leaving just the tip in his mouth. He sent a picture of what he wanted to Vegeta’s mind and held very still, making it clear he had no intention of moving until he got what he was after.

He could feel Vegeta struggling with what he wanted. Finally he released the finger he’d been biting. Then he felt fingertips touching his head so lightly. He could feel that hand trembling as Vegeta remembered grasping, wrenching fingers in his own hair.

This isn’t abuse, Vegeta. Let me make you feel good.

It seemed to be what he needed. His hand sank into Goku’s hair and that was all Goku was waiting on.

He sank down, swallowing Vegeta’s cock in one smooth motion and Vegeta cried out in pleasure and surprise. The sound had been well worth the wait. He sucked as he retreated once more and he started a slow rhythm as Vegeta moaned above him. He felt Vegeta’s hips flex and moved a hand to lightly cup his ass, pulling a little to encourage him to fuck his mouth. After a few abortive strokes he did begin to move, very gently, shallow strokes and Goku wanted more than that. On the next push in he increased the suction, making Vegeta’s hips jerk forward as a shout escaped him. He would have apologized but Goku flooded him with his lust at what he had done.

His head fell back and he finally let go at that. What followed was amazing, Goku couldn’t take his eyes away. Vegeta rolled his hips as he thrust in and out of Goku’s eager mouth, fingers gripping his hair. A sheen of sweat covered his chest and Goku’s erection throbbed at the sight. He stole a hand to wrap around it, groaning at the feeling as he started to work himself.

It played out like a dirty movie before him, his own private show and he was more than happy to play director. Touch yourself, Vegeta.

He was too far gone to think about it, he just obeyed. He moved his left hand to tease across the taut skin of his abs, moving slowly up to his nipple, pinching lightly. Heat flushed his cheeks and he thrust erratically.

“Kakarot,” he gasped. “I’m-”

Gods Vegeta, yes!

Vegeta broke off in a cry, arching as Goku swallowed around him. Goku moaned, came hard at the sight of Vegeta coming utterly undone under his ministrations.

Tremors rocked his body as Goku pulled off him, licking all the way up and moaning at the taste. Goku crawled up his body, licking and kissing every bit of skin he could touch on the way up. He looked into Vegeta’s dazed eyes, stroked his cheek. “That was... the fucking hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Vegeta blushed. He actually blushed and looked away. Goku grinned. Vegeta’s hand rose, stroking his face as well. Goku leaned into it, answering the unspoken question. “I’m fine, didn’t hurt a bit. See? Pleasure, no pain. It can happen.”

Goku knew he was heavy, started to roll off his smaller mate but Vegeta stopped him with encircling arms, pulling Goku back down to lay on top of him. He felt Vegeta’s tail wrap around his thigh and he couldn’t remember ever feeling so content.

“Only with you,” Vegeta said quietly.

*************************************************************************************************************
A/N: Son Gokū/Sūn Wùkōng (from Journey to the West): generally translated to ‘awakened to emptiness’ or, more appropriately to this story, ‘one who perceives the void.’
It’s a longer chapter than usual but I didn’t think y’all would mind. Also, sorry for the pronoun game but a little mystery is good for the soul. :)
Next chapter: Some sexy time, an uninvited guest and the beginnings of a potentially messy family reunion.

Becky: Thank you! Will do. And I must say, I kind of have a love/hate relationship with the new material. So many plot holes, so many unexplained things. But I absolutely adore Whis. And, I can’t lie. It feeds my Vegeta addiction. :)

TristaML: Thanks, I’m thinking that’s the way to go as well, especially since I’m going to try to keep the tone at DragonBall Z levels and not launch it into the delightful yet somewhat confusing sillyshere of that is Super.

I honestly think Goku’s pretty intelligent, he makes some pretty impressive logic leaps sometimes, I just feel like he’s not motivated to do so very often. But since he and Mr. Genius Intellect are all up in each other’s brains now that’ll probably change. And I do love that they look so human but just aren’t. That’s fun to play with.

I most def appreciate constructive criticism, as much as I’ve got a story that’s begging to be told, I want to tell it as well as I can, so thank you very much and I’m glad you’re enjoying the story!

b-chan: So much babies, wow, good luck! I’m definitely not done with Gohan, he’s going to have to face the music, so to speak, and he still has some damage to undo along the way, assuming he doesn’t revert to his old ways of running from his problems. Man, he’s (understandably) on Goku’s shit list for the moment, if Piccolo turns his back on him too he’ll be royally screwed. I usually write a few chapters ahead and I’ve been doing some major rewrites lately, so even I’ll just have to see how that turns out.

Cara9001: Thank you! I’m glad you know the new stuff, you’ll understand how eager I am to get to Whis and his training; knowing that he and Beerus had history with the Saiyan race is something I can’t keep my hands off of. Now that the guys have got things worked out between them the next battle will be to see if they can adapt to each other. Vegeta’s tendency to be an island unto himself and Goku’s tendency to take things too casually sometimes are going to be at odds, I’m sure. This ought to be interesting!

Ulrike: I think for me Vegeta comes down to a moment during the Kid Buu fight where Buu literally puts him in the ground. Vegeta crawls out looking half dead and basically says “F*** you, I’m Vegeta!” Dude just does not give up. I guess I’m just evil. I want to see what it’ll take for him to ask for help, or at least accept it. Yep, definitely evil. :) Crafty Whis and Sinister Beerus are definitely incoming. I can’t wait!
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