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Lonely Desire	By : Petya Category: Gundam (all others) > General Views: 12076 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Gundam series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 12
- 13
- 14
Pairings: Athrun x
Kira, Dearka x Yzak

Disclaimer: I don�t own Gundam SEED or Destiny. :( I am using the
characters and the universe for this fic and I seek
no profit.

Warnings: NC-17. This is a fanfic about
males that love each other. If you don�t like such things I can only wonder why
are you at chapter 13 already ^_^. This chapter contains severe spoilers for the
end of Gundam SEED.

Comment: I made a small change in the last line of the
previous chapter. I had Kira undergo CAT and ultrasound, thinking of explaining
that the CAT is harmless because it is adapted in accordance with the Minovsky physics, but then I remembered that the MRI
[Magnetic Resonant Imaging] is absolutely safe, gives better image and is
actually preferred for examination of the reproductive system, so I changed the
CAT to MRI. Sorry for any possible inconvenience.

Special
thanks to: Mat and Chiaki, who
both edited this chapter.

Chapter
Thirteen

Startling
News

Kira took the dishes and set them on table.
Everything was almost ready, but he had too much time at hand and he just
needed to do something to keep his mind occupied and away from the thoughts
that had plagued him for almost the entire day. Or rather the last ten days. Though
today they had grown grimmer and more disturbing.

Ten days had passed since he had gone to Erica
Simmons to tell her about his strange fatigue. She had taken a sample of his
blood for analysis and had told him that it would take more time, since she had
to run some more complex tests. He had accepted that and waited. The sickness
he had each morning continued and he was sleepy and tired most of the time so
he had been doing practically nothing, but he had thought that he had just
caught some virus or something like that. But then this morning she had called
to ask him to visit the hospital for some additional examinations. She was
alone when running them and told him nothing after they had ended.

Kira grew worried. He might not be a doctor,
but even he knew that the MRI and the ultrasound results came immediately
onscreen. Yet all he got was �Kira-kun,
do you mind if we have a dinner together, at your place for example?� He
had agreed. That had been more of a demand than a request. Besides he needed to
know what was wrong with him. And he was sure something was wrong. If things
had been fine, Erica Simmons would have told him so immediately. The fact that
she wanted to talk to him in private meant that something was not as it should
have been, and most probably that something was far too serious or sensitive to
discuss at a public place.

The doorbell rang and he went to open the door
expecting to see the doctor, but instead it was the delivery from the
restaurant. He had decided to order food for a few reasons. Firstly, he was not
in the mood to cook, secondly, his cooking skills left room for improvement and
were likely to upset his stomach which seemed to have become quite picky lately
and thirdly, it was just easier.

He thanked the delivery boy, gave him a tip and
brought the meals to the serving table behind the dining one.

He threw a last look around. Everything seemed
fine. He rearranged the flowers just to occupy his hands and ended up ruining
the fine composition that the florists from the nearby shop had created. He
sighed and sat in expectation.

Erica Simmons stood at the door and thought for
the millionth time about how she should present the news. She had gone through
a few hundred different scenarios, but it was just impossible to predict how
Kira-kun would react to her announcement. And for some reason she was
suspecting that his reaction might not even be amongst those she had imagined.

She looked at the file folder and the disks she
had with her. She gritted them tighter and pressed the button of the doorbell.

Kira greeted his guest and led her to the
living room. He walked to the small bar with alcohol and offered �Would you
like a cocktail before the meal?�

Erica Simmons shook her head. �No, thank you,
but I�d accept tea if you have it. I would suggest you refrain from drinking as
well.�

�I was not going to. I doubt my stomach would
approve of it.� Kira went to the kitchen and prepared tea, then served it to
his guest. He motioned to the woman to take a seat and sat across her. He
opened his mouth to start asking questions but she interrupted him.

�Kira-kun, I realize this is a weird question,
but do you have information about you birth. I mean, was there something
different or unusual about it?�

The brunet stared at her with emotionless face.
Raw le Creuset�s words came back to him

* flashback *

�Kira-kun
this is your birthplace� You should know this place� The adults you call
�Mother� and �Father� are not your real parents� I always thought that they
died. Those twins, especially you. Along with your creator, Dr. Hibiki; after all, he was the biggest threat to the Blue
Cosmos at that time. Yet you survived, grew and continued to live amidst the
flames of war�

�Wh�what are you saying I am? What are you trying to say?�

�You
are the dream of humanity. The Ultimate Coordinator. Dr Hibiki�s
artificial womb was built because of that dream. You are the only child that
was successfully created by it. You are his son and exist thanks to the
countless sacrifices of your siblings.�

* end of flashback *

Those words hurt him as much now as they did
the first time he heard them. He shook his head both to clear his mind from the
memories and to answer the question he was asked. He had lied so many times
lately, that this lie just wouldn�t make any difference. �No, I don�t know
anything to have been strange or different about my birth. Why?�

�Because that would explain the discoveries I
made about you.� She looked at him with a serious face and placed a file and
two disks on the small coffee table beside her. �Kira-kun, may I use your
computer, please. I brought some materials I wanted to show you. That would
make it easier for you to understand what I am about to tell you.�

Kira went to bring his laptop while wondering
what had disturbed the doctor so much. Had she somehow found about the Ultimate
Coordinator thing? No, that couldn�t be! Maybe there was something else? Was he
dying of some rare disease?

He placed the computer beside her and she inserted
one of the data disks in the slot. �Can you connect the computer to the big vidphone
screen on the wall, please?� Kira did what he was asked and stared at the
graphics that appeared.

�Kira-kun, you remember that I told you that we
could not explain what had happened with you, don�t you?�

He nodded absentmindedly staring at the screen.
�Un~.� There were chemical formulae, that he vaguely remembered by his courses
in biochemistry. He had taken those after Athrun had left for PLANT, just to
take his mind off the loss of his best friend. Yet there beside the ones he
though he recognized were others that were slightly different. There were some
marks on the comparative differences of the compounds.

�When Athrun-kun found out that something was
wrong with you, you were having fever. And Lacus-san noticed that you had gone
SEED. They contacted me and I told them to bring you here. But by the time you
were transported to Onogoro, you were already in hibernation. We ran many tests
in attempts to determine what was going on, but most of them showed no
indications that would explain your condition. The one lead we thought that we
had was the weird hormone levels we registered in the first blood-sample we took
from you. However, in the next 8 hours we followed the changes in the levels of
all hormones and saw them returning to normal. That left us completely
clueless. You were still in SEED-mode and remained so for the next five days.
We could do nothing but infuse solutions and nutrients and wait. You woke up
and it was as if nothing had happened. I continued to assess your state even
after you were discharged from the hospital but you seemed to be fine. Then you
came to me with those weird symptoms, that didn�t make any sense in your case��

�In my case�? What do you mean that in somebody
else�s case they would�ve made sense?� Kira didn�t understand where this was
heading.

�Well, you can say so. I will explain.� She
nodded towards the screen. �Here is why I asked about your birth. This time, I
decided to do something that is not normally done, but since in your case there
was nothing normal anymore, so I went for it. I ran your blood through a
machine that determines the exact chemical structure of each compound in a
liquid or a hard object. It takes a lot of time of course. The results I
received left me speechless. There were all those �elements� that were very
much like hormones, yet not exactly the same. You can see on the screen. On the
left are the normal hormones � the ones everyone has; you, I, Coordinators and
Naturals alike � on the right side are the �elements� that were additionally
discovered in your blood. As you see, the differences are ever so slight. A
methyl group here, a sulfonic one there. But that changes everything. I made
experiments to find out if they would act like hormones, but they didn�t show
any activity in vitro or in vivo. They were all harmless, and they didn�t
induce any reaction in the body of the test animals.�

She paused and took a sip from her tea before
she continued. �I assumed that they should have something to do with some
specific changes in you organism, and as far as I could suppose, those changes
were highly unlikely to have mutated spontaneously out of nowhere, which lead
me to the suspicion � I am sorry if it offends or hurts you � that you were
experimented on. Probably even before you were implanted in your mother�s body
as a zygote.�

Kira sighed. So it had come out! He didn�t
interrupt the explanation, but he felt that he would probably be forced to
admit some facts about his creation as things went on.

�The things I was most curious about, though,
were two� Erica Simmons continued to explain. �First, you seem to have a double
endocrine system, because you have both the �normal� and the �altered�
hormones. Which means, that whoever created you, had done enormous work to
synchronize both systems and yet prevent them from contradicting or competing
with each other. It is a miracle that it actually worked. Not only because of
the enormity of the task, but also because as you know the mother�s body affects
the development of the fetus and might lead to changes. And in this particular
case each change could have meant miscarriage.�

�You
are the dream of humanity. The Ultimate Coordinator. Dr Hibiki�s
artificial womb was built because of
that dream. You are the only child that was successfully created by it. You are
his son and exist thanks to the countless sacrifices
of your siblings.�

Kira had never believed that this would come
back to haunt him in such a way. What had his father been? What kind of a
monster would do such experiments to his own children? Was this the reason why
so many of his siblings had not been born? He slumped under the weight of his
guilt and pain and buried his face in his palms. What was he?

�You
are the dream of humanity. The Ultimate Coordinator. The voice of Creuset answered his silent
question. He didn�t want to listen to that voice.

�Kira-kun, daijoubu desu ka?� [Kira-kun, are you all right?] Erica Simmons
reached and touched his hands. �I am sorry. I can only suppose how hard this
must be for you. But I just don�t know how to make it easier.�

�Iie, goshinpainai. Daijoubu da.� [No, don�t worry. I�m fine.] He chased away the ghost
that threatened his composure. �Please,
continue. I need to know. I have to!�

The woman looked at the boy in front of her.
What was going on in his soul? She could only guess. She just continued her explanation.
�The second thing that really surprised me was the highly excessive presence of
a hormone, its name is hCG [*] � human Choriongonadotropin � that is rather
rarely found and only in very specific situations.� hCG? Kira remembered that one well. They had
all discussed it a lot when they had been studying it. That hormone was the one
that was used to identify pregnancy and men had it if there was some cancerous
formation in their testicles. Did he, a Coordinator, have cancer? He tried to
concentrate and listen to Erica-sensei�s explanations. �That was the reason why
I asked you to come in the morning to examine you further. The MRI and the
ultrasound just confirmed the weird suspicion I had after the results from the
blood test and the symptoms you described.� Erica Simmons paused searching for
words. How exactly do you present such news to a boy? �I thought for hours, how
I should tell you this and yet I couldn�t find a way to make it easier��

�What is it?� Kira couldn�t wait more to know
the truth. It didn�t matter how hard it was. It didn�t matter if he was told he
was dying. He just needed to know. �Tell me. I have to know! I need to!�

She sighed and looked at her interlaced hands.
Then she lifted her gaze and stared straight at the boy in front of her as she
said the words that he wanted to hear.

�Kira-kun, you are pregnant.� She didn�t say
more. What more could she say�?

The brunet stared at her in utter shock. He
understood the meaning of each word, yet the sentence just didn�t make any
sense to him. Women got pregnant. Women! He was a guy!

�Erica-sensei, I am a boy, you know.� He felt
stupid for stating the obvious. He would have laughed at the weird statement,
had it not been for the serious face the doctor had. She just didn�t look as if
she was joking. �Boys don�t get pregnant!� His voice lost its confidence with
every word.

The woman just watched him and quietly repeated
�Kira-kun, you are pregnant.� Then she just sat there and waited for the fact
to settle in his mind.

Kira couldn�t move. Even thinking presented a
problem. The word �pregnant� stirred his mind. He looked at the doctor. Her
calm face told him she was not lying. She did believe her words. And if she, a
doctor, someone who was perfectly aware that men didn�t give birth to children,
believed it, there had to be a reason. But how come�? He remembered about the
presence of the hCG�, was it possible�?

�Explain, please.� He heard the begging and
desperation in his own voice. �I don�t understand. I am a boy! Boys don�t get
pregnant!� He knew he sounded pathetic but he didn�t care. He just wanted to be
told that what he had heard was a joke, a jest� anything but the truth. It
would have been easier if he was told that he was dying. At least that was
something that happened to both men and women alike.

Erica Simmons changed the disk and a new image
shone on the screen. It was an anatomic picture of the insides of the abdominal
and pelvic cavities. They were shown in frontal and side cuts.

�The pictures you see are how the organs are
situated in the abdomen and pelvic. This�� she gestured towards the screen ��is
what they look like in men.� She changed the image �this is what they look like
in women. In your case however�� the image changed once again ��this is what
the ultrasound and the MRI show.� The difference was marked in red and he
couldn�t miss it. Where other men had only bladder and intestines, he had what
looked a lot like� a uterus. He reached for the keyboard and returned the
previous image. Then he moved to his own organs once again. He couldn�t deny
that it did look like a uterus.

Erica Simmons took some papers and handed them
to him silently. Kira took them and saw that his hands were trembling. He
looked at the pictures. He didn�t really understand most of them, but they
looked like the ultrasound pictures pregnant women received on the TV shows. He
stared at them and his mind continued to fight with the idea of him being
pregnant. Yet he had been presented enough evidences. He couldn�t hide from the
truth. He was a freak. An experiment of the sick mind of his own biological
father.

His hands reached for his abdomen. It didn�t
feel any different than it did yesterday or a month ago, or a year ago. Yet now
he knew it was different in a way. There was a little life there. A baby.

And then the realization hit him. If he was
pregnant, then� that dream� had not been a dream. He had made love with Athrun.
All those wonderful things that he had considered a beautiful dream had been
real� A smile formed on his lips as his hands caressed his abdomen. There was a
life that was part of both of them� their baby. A connection that no one could
ruin�

Kira was torn. On one side was the fact that he
was a freak, an experiment, but on the other� that same experiment had given
him something he had never considered possible. He would have a baby, a child
that was his and his beloved�s. A little bond that would create a connection
between them that no one could ruin.

Erica Simmons watched the series of expressions
that crossed Kira�s face. She knew the moment when he accepted the news and was
happy to see the smile that enlightened his features. The worst part was over.

He felt the stupid smile on his face and tried
to calm down. It was not the time to think of such things. He was not alone and
besides there were a lot of things that he needed to ask and find the answers
to.

�Erica-sensei, but how is it possible that I
never knew about it? How is it possible for my body to act as a normal male
body would if I have female organs? And how am I going to give birth?� the
questions started popping in his head one after another, not following any
logic or pattern.

�I have suspicions about the answer to your
first question. You see it is all because of the double endocrine system. The
�normal� part of it takes care for everything that is connected to the male
part of you, and I would assume that the �altered� part controls the female
one. That also explains the weird hormonal levels which appeared right after
you conceived. The �male� part of your endocrine system also reacted, but when the
�female� one took over the process later on, it stepped out and that is why the
�normal� hormones, which were the only ones our system could register, returned
to normal. And I guess that the hibernation was needed in order for your
organism to adapt to the imminent changes that it was going through. By slowing
all processes it had more time to get used to being pregnant. However I would
dare predict that practically every cell in your body has been altered so that
it would be able to recognize the �altered� hormones. You see, some hormones
don�t affect the cell directly, they use receptors on the cell membrane.� She
changed the disks once again and projected the image that illustrated her
words.

Kira remembered the things he had studied not
that long ago, though now it felt as if ages had passed since then. �Yes, I
remember that from school.�

�So I guess you have extra receptors on you
cell membranes and even other sub cellular changes. I can�t be sure unless I
take some tissue samples from you, but I am not sure I want to go that deep,
unless it is really necessary.� She looked at the brunet. Once he had accepted
the stunning news he had returned to his usual shy and reserved self. He was
listening and absorbing everything, yet he didn�t let his thoughts show.
�Kira-kun, that reminds me, have you ever had some kind of rectal bleeding that
you would now describe as menstrual bleeding?�

Kira didn�t need to think about it. That was
hardly something one could miss about oneself. �No, I understand the idea of your
question, and even though I don�t actually know what the menstrual bleeding
exactly is like, I am confident I�ve never had it.� He considered it. If he had
a uterus and he was able to conceive, how come he had never had cycles? �How is
that possible?�

�I don�t know, Kira-kun. There are a lot of
things I don�t really know about you as it turns out. I will try to find out
though. About your other question, I�d say will have to give birth via
caesarian section. But there is a lot of time before it comes to that. What is
important at the moment is for you to decide whether or not you want to bear
the pregnancy or to interrupt it.�

Kira jumped at the suggestion of aborting his
baby. He didn�t even consider the possibility. It was a miracle and he would never
kill his own flesh and blood. �Of course I am keeping the baby! How could you
even presume I�ll abort it?�

�I didn�t presume anything Kira-kun. I was just
stating the two possibilities in front of you. After all, considering that male
pregnancies are not a common occurrence you�ll have to either hide the fact
that you are going to become a parent in such an unusual way or be ready for a
lot of strange questions and unwanted publicity. And that would definitely stir
the Blue Cosmos as well, so you�ll need to be very careful. You�ll have to find
a way to tell you friends, your sister, the father, or should I say �the other
father�, of the baby.� Erica Simmons knew that the boy has had too much for one
day and she got up to leave. He needed to think about a lot of things now. �I
think that it would be better if you think about everything carefully before
you make any decisions or take actions. I�ll leave you the information I
brought, you can learn something more about your condition. Well talk again
after you have considered everything.� With that the woman left.

Kira was lying on his back in his bed, staring in the dark. He
couldn�t fall asleep. The thought of his pregnancy kept nagging him. He
remembered the last things Erica Simmons had told him. That he would need to
tell his friends and especially Athrun. But how would they react? They were
neither doctors as Erica-sensei nor did they know about the Ultimate
Coordinator project. And he had never meant to tell them.

And the Blue Cosmos� He knew what they were
capable of. The lights of the nuclear explosions after he and Athrun had
destroyed all those missiles in order to prevent the destruction of the PLANTs still blinded him. They had struck again only a few
days back, which was the reason why his sister and beloved had extended their
visit. What if they killed his unborn child? His hands rested on his abdomen
and the thought made him clench them in fists. He would never let anything
happen to his baby. He had no desire to take human life but he wouldn�t hesitate
to do so if his baby was in danger.

And would Athrun accept him with all those
weird manipulations that were likely to repel even a Coordinator?

And what about his Natural sister?

And wouldn�t Dearka and Yzak feel jealous that
he and Athrun would have a child while they were denied that wonder?

He needed to think. He needed time. The other
five were coming back on the following day, but he couldn�t face them. Not now
with so many things going on in his mind. He wouldn�t be able to hide that he
was troubled. And he was not ready to explain what the reason for that was. He
just needed a few days to think. To clear his mind and decide what he should
do. But if he remained where he was they would come to him even if he didn�t go
to them. He needed a place where he could be alone and think. And he remembered
that there was such place� But he would need to consult Erica-sensei first. He
wouldn�t risk doing something that might hurt his baby. That was right he would
go to her early in the morning and if she said that he could go, he would leave
and visit Malchio-san�s cottage on the island�

A/N: [*] hCG � all pregnancy tests are based on
registering the presence of that hormone.

Ok, here was the promised earlier explanation
about Kira�s ability to have children. I might have gotten a little carried
away with the specific differences about his biochemistry and anatomy. If
there�s something that I didn�t explain well just ask and I�ll try to make it
better. If you are interested what Kira�s anatomy looks like, I made a small
picture and uploaded it to imageshack.us. Here�s the
address.

http://img195.imageshack.us/img195/6448/sanatomy9gm.jpg

Some further information: Kira has only one ovary
and later in the story I�ll include the reason why it is like that and why he
had never had menstruation.

@AsuKira:
Kira is up and things around him are hectic. But the baby is still some
chapters away. At least two or three more till then. The good news is that
chapter 15 (it�s called White Lily) is practically ready, it needs just some
polishing, I�ll have to type down 14 though. ^_^

@Kimi: Now
here�s what happens next. Hope it was worth the waiting.

Here�s a small teaser-line from Ch 15

��Marry
me, share with me all the joys and sorrows this world has to offer. I want us
to be together forever��

Can you guess who says that to whom?
- 12
- 13
- 14
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Lonely Desire