Live Without You?

Beta? I need no Beta! I don't write fast enough for it. Sorry for any mistakes. Should be more to come, I feel a lot like its not done yet. Too many loose ends, so never fear. There will be more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heero woke slowly feeling totally warm and safe. He inhaled deeply the scents of lavender, sage, and a clean fresh scent that reminded him vaguely of a forest after it rains. He breathed deep again trying to identify it. The sweetness of lavender and the spice of sage brought immediately to mind clear violet eyes and it made him feel protected. In his mind’s eye he saw swaying green limbs and the tall, slender trunks of a bamboo forest. He opened his eyes slowly and in the dim barely-there morning sunlight he stared out at a small violet and black dragon. He inhaled again, it wasn’t really like a forest, it didn’t have the same earthy scent to it. Trowa had that earthy, rolled-in-fresh-dirt smell. This wasn’t like that it was something more. The boy whose chest he was cradled against stirred and rubbed one eye absently as he awoke.

“You smell like water.” Heero whispered softly. The other boy looked at him surprise a moment as if trying to figure out what he was doing snuggled in his bed at such an early hour. Heero gave a passing thought of panic that Wufei might kick him out, but it was dashed away when the other tucked Heero’s head under his chin. Heero felt himself relax and he inhaled deeply of the other’s scent.
“It’s like a deep, bright lake but like there are fresh leaves floating in the water. A hint of forest in the coolness.” Heero said softly. He heard Duo snort behind him.

“Don’t let him fool you Fei, Heero is very poetic at times.” Duo muttered softly and snuggled against him tighter. “I always told him he should write that stuff down.” he commented and Heero growled.

“Duo baka, why would I do that?” he grumbled.

“So that people could read it. Writing is a great way to communicate.” Duo told him and propped his head on his hand.

“Who’d want to read anything that I wrote? And what would I write?” Heero asked in his ‘this is logic’ voice.

“I’d read it. I don’t know what you’d write, but I’d read it. If you’d let me.” Wufei told him evenly. Oh it'd been a while since Heero's voice had held that tone. He was hopeful at it reappearance.

“Awwww! Heero you’re blushing!!” Duo taunted happily and Heero blushed harder. “I’d read it too Hee-chan. You know I’m always interested in what you have to say.” He said seriously. Heero blushed even harder, he wasn’t used to being complimented. He grumbled at them in return and tried to ignore them while the chuckled good-naturedly at him and he didn’t begrudge them the laughter. If they were happy, then he was happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(6 months, 3 weeks, and 5 days after Heero’s return.)

“Okay Heero today is the big day!” Duo told him excitedly. Heero fidgeted nervously as he sat in bed and waited to be told what to do. “What do you want to wear toady?” Duo asked rummaging in the closet.

“Omae o korosu.” He stated softly.

“Okay.” Came Duo’s muffled reply as he pulled out Heero’s favorite-non-green-tanktop shirt. He’d kept it even after he’d thought the other was dead. “How about these pants?” He asked emerging with a pair of heavy black bondage pants. Heero nodded to him silently.
“How about these pants?” he asked again.

“Yes.” Heero whispered and Duo walked over to him carrying the clothes.

“Are you nervous?” Duo asked kindly as he sat at the edge of the bed.

*Scared shitless!* Heero shouted in his mind, but simply nodded to Duo in response.

“Everything will be alright love, you’ll see.” Duo said warmly and tousled Heero’s hair vigorously as Quatre walked into the room.

“Duo Maxwell!” He shouted in an accusing tone and Duo jumped guiltily. Heero was glad to have the distraction, he wasn’t so sure he was ready for ‘the big day’ but everyone else seemed confident in him. He just wanted to do well; he didn’t want to let them down or do a bad job.

*What did I do?* Duo wondered with a mental gulp.

“I just brushed Heero’s hair!” he told the other boy severely. Duo snickered.

“Quatre you’re fired from the position of hair-brusher.” Duo declared and Heero smirked internally.

“No Wufei’s fired!” the blond shot back good-naturedly.

“Fired from what?” the afore mentioned boy walked into the room followed by Trowa.

“From cutting hair!” Quatre ranted. “I brushed Heero’s hair and it still looked…questionable…then Duo messed it up even more!” Heero caught the pause and guessed that Quatre didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Heero didn’t care what his hair looked like, he never had. He was glad that it was clean, glad that he was clean and not covered in dirt and blood anymore. He shivered internally at the memories that were still so fresh in his mind even months later.

“It’s not as easy as you’d think.” Wufei defended himself as he tucked strands of his, still loose, hair behind his ear. Quatre snorted.

“It can’t be that hard…” he stated and trailed off thoughtfully as he looked at Heero. Heero’s eyes got round at the look.

“Okay then give Trowa a hair cut.” Wufei suggested and all eyes turned to the taller boy.

“Oh no! You’re not cutting my hair!” Trowa said waving his hands in front of himself as if the fend off the very idea. “I like it just the way it is.” Trowa saw a pouting, angry look making it’s way to his boyfriend’s face and nipped it in the bud before it could blossom into a thorn in his side. “How about you give me a kiss instead.” He suggested and Quatre smiled happily as he threw his arms around Trowa’s neck tightly. Heero knew that they were a couple; he knew Duo and Wufei were a couple. He felt himself go very still as he watched them together. He’d forgotten somehow what being a couple really meant.
Quatre standing on his tiptoes to reach Trowa’s lips. Trowa leaning down in anticipation, lips already parted slightly. They kissed each other gently, yet eager at the same time. Their bodies pressed flush against one another as Trowa linked his arms around Quatre’s waist and pulled him as close as possible. One of Trowa’s hands moved tenderly up Quatre’s back under his shirt and Quatre seemed to melt into him. As if they were so complete in each other that they were a single being.
And he sat there, deep blue eyes wide open, jaw dropped in surprise, as his breath caught in his throat, staring at something he’d long ago forgotten. That someone could enjoy a hug and a kiss. Tears welled up in his eyes and he bit his lip trying to keep them back. He felt his heart clench painfully as something broke inside him.
*No one…* He realized with a sudden dawning realization that froze his breath in his lungs. *…No one will ever want to be with a worthless tainted whore like me…no one…I’m always going to be alone…* He felt dizzy as he realized that he would never have someone the way they had each other, the way he’d once had Duo. He’d never have the love and caring they’d shared. He wrapped his arms around his waist and failed to stop his tears from coursing down his cheeks. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the kissing couple. He felt like he should leave. He felt like being in the same room with him would taint them and somehow sully their love for each other. He barely noticed when an unknown set of hands brushed against the fabric on his shoulders. He just waited for them to bring pain, as they always did. Waited for fear and terror and hurt to sink over him as he was used, because that was all he was good for, a violent fuck, instant gratification, and a good laugh. Nobody wants to love a whore.

~Wufei said he loves me. So did Duo…like a fellow soldier.~
*They feel guilty because they’re good people and I got caught, I failed. They feel like they have to tell me that they like me…* Heero thought miserably. *But they don’t really love me…no one’s going to love someone like me. A used up little slut.* he pulled his knees up and laid his head against them as he let his tears flow as quietly as possible, hoping no one would see. The bed shifted as whoever was touching his shoulders moved to sit behind him, pulling him close to their warmth as they placed their legs to either side of his small frame. Lavender and sage filled Heero’s mind as Duo twined his arms around his narrow waist. A gentle hand cupped his cheek, the rough pad of the thumb brushing away his tears as he felt a second form sliding toward him. He didn’t have to open his eyes to know that it was Wufei. He recognized his breathing, the way he moved, the touch of his skin. He’d spent the last month memorizing all there was to the dark-haired boy. Nothing mattered beyond his Master, the one who ruled his life and Wufei now filled that spot.
*My Master…* He thought. *Why would they take such good care of a dirty little whore like me…why do they feel so bad? It’s not their fault I failed, it’s not their fault I’m just an Oz whore now.* he cried bitterly to himself.

Wufei lifted Heero’s face gently to look into his eyes. The swirl of emotion he saw there broke his heart. Pain, fear, loathing, hatred all played across his cobalt eyes. Wufei was tired of it, he was tired of Heero looking hurt all the time, he knew Duo was tired of it, he knew Heero was tired of it. He didn’t want any of his friends to suffer; he wanted them to be happy. Heero’s eyes flicked to Quatre and Trowa still kissing in happy oblivion and pain seemed to shoot through him.
Wufei could almost hear his thoughts they were so plain on his face.
‘I’ll never have that…it’s not for me.’
Wufei wanted to never see that look of resigned loss on any of his loved ones faces ever again. He tilted Heero’s face towards him and leaned in slowly to lock his mouth against lips that parted in a gasp of surprise.

Heero sat stiff-backed as a warm tongue gently slid past his lips to slowly caress his own. Careful hands cupped his face, stroking his cheek lightly. He parted from Heero slowly and leaned forward, his kiss-moistened lips brushing against Heero’s ear. A gentle sigh of contentment was breathed out just before, “Heero.” Was whispered softly with a nuzzle of affection against his face. It took Heero a few moments to feel something other than shock as Wufei leaned back to gaze down at him. He finally made himself focus on the dark eyes above him. He stared into them searching their depths for what he knew must be there, waiting to find a glimmer of the emotions lurking like a monster under the bed. Only he couldn’t find it. He didn’t see any lust or maliciousness or smug anger. Instead he saw only gentle compassion and warmth and caring. His dark head leaned in and caught Heero’s lips once more, teasing them. Hands petted gently over his chest as Duo’s warmth seeped along his spine. The kiss deepened slowly and Heero tilted his head to grant better access. His fingers twitched slightly, wanting unexpectedly to tangle themselves in the dark hair that fluttered about him. To press back against the warmth he felt around him. Instead he held himself very still and clenched his fists in the blankets that covered him. However he couldn’t stop the quiet, breathy moan in the back of his throat or his lips from trailing after Wufei’s when the dark-haired boy pulled back to let him catch his breathe. His eyes were closed and he didn’t even realize it until he opened them.
“Oh…” he breathed out softly in surprise and Duo began to place nipping kisses behind his ears. His eyes closed again and he shuddered. Wufei’s hand ran softly over his ribs and down to his hips. Heero felt the gentle pressure of Wufei pressing against his knees and he struggled with the feeling of it. He wasn’t sure if he wanted it, but Wufei fulfilled the role of Master now, even if he didn’t truly understand that the shorter haired boy didn't think of him like that. He didn’t want to disobey, so he let his knees be parted by the weight of the other boy and he came to rest against Heero’s body gently. Wufei’s strong hands slid slowly under the oversized nightshirt he wore and up over his back. The heat of the other's body pressed heavily against the now thin seeming marterial of his boxers. And that was it. Nothing more. Wufei simply pressed against him, Duo held them both. Some of the tightness in his chest eased and he let himself relax.

"I love you 'Ro." Duo whispered softly into his ear. "I still love you like I did before. Just as much." his voice cracked. "Even if we never get back to the way we were, I love you." he kissed Heero's neck again.

"No!" he protested firmly, leaning away. "You're with Wufei now." he stated softly.

"Didn't he just finish kissing you?" Duo asked propping his chin on Heero's shoulder.

"But he...he's my Master." he explained softly. He could do whatever the hell he felt like.

"Heero. Listen to me. I don't ever want you to call me that again." he instructed. "Please. I'm not your master. I'm your friend. I love you. I love you like I love Duo. And like Duo if nothing physical ever came from a relationship, I'd be fine." he paused to let that sink in. "But know that I do love you. I love Duo too." His thumbs brushed lightly over Heero's face.

He...what!?! Blind-sided was a good term for what he felt. Shocked disbelief worked too. Duo still loved him! Something in his heart unclenched. He didn't have to be without Duo for the rest of his life.
But Wufei didn't want to be his master? He wasn't sure he could wrap his mind around that, so he didn't try. But.....love. Wufei love? Him? Some many different things rolled within him.

"I still love Duo." he whispered out brokenly, as if worried one of them might take back the words they'd said. "But I won't come between you two." he vowed.

"You won't." Wufei assured him. "I can share. With you, I can do that." he said placing a kiss to Heero's forehead. He pulled back, going to hands and knees and peered at Heero.

"I don't know." he said looking at Wufei. He shook his head.

"We're not asking to you know what you want to do right now, Heero." Wufei said brushing the backs of his fingers against Heero's cheek.

"Or hell, anytime in the next year." Duo added with a snort. "Whether you realize it or not. You're *just now* starting to heal. You've just now begun." He nuzzled Heero's hair.

"And whatever YOU want to do will be fine." Wufei continued.

Heero simply nodded. This was way, way too much for him to take in all at once.

"Let's get you ready okay." Duo prompted.