Drabbles from a warped mind.

Title: Angel Delight and the seven short people – really crap title, if you have a better one let me know please.
Pairing/Characters: Havoc, Roy, Ed etc Pretty much all of them.
Rating: PG 13 for language
Warning: Crack, slight swearing, really bad attempt to rewrite a fairy tale.
Words: 4745 – it may have gotten away from me a tad there ^^;
A.N: This is the fault of a meme I wrote. It had a question about Havoc telling a story and this is what happens when an idea like that gets into my head. It took 2 nights to write because I had to force myself to actually stop when I could barely keep my eyes open and get some sleep. I really enjoyed writing this, there are parts that I consider cringe worthy but that could be because I wrote all of this when half asleep :P I really hope you enjoy it as much as I do and please forgive my insanity XD

Amethyst - Of course it counts for something :D I was pretty sure people would guess Roy, he is just so easy to write angsting it up but I'm glad I managed to keep Havoc a secret to the end :) He doesn't get enough love in my opinion, he needs more :P Thanks for the review XD


Havoc stood before the room wondering how in Amestris he had been talked into doing this. Oh, yeah, now I remembered, it was that damn meme that gave Angel ideas and that was never good. You could never be certain to come through one of Angel’s ideas with your sanity intact let alone your dignity. Although, even with all the weird shit Angel had come up with, this was by far one of her crackiest ideas yet. A fairy tale of all things and a parody of snow white?? Hadn’t that been done already? No, what do you mean no? Oh that was a parody of Cinderella, never mind then.

Let’s get this over with. If I have to stand here and watch Al and that Alfons kid make fuck me eyes at each other much longer I’m gonna have to cum all over their faces. Roy and Ed are really not doing a very good job of hiding their activities either. The least said about the Bleach boys the better, that Kenpachi is just completely insane it’s unreal. And yet that still isn’t freaking me out the most. No, that would be the man sat right in front of me, sparkling away like there’s no tomorrow.

I’m actually afraid to move in case one of the sparkles goes in my eye or something. I mean, where in the Hell do they come from? Does he even realise he’s doing it? Oh dear Lord here comes that urge to throw either Al down and fuck them senseless. Would it really matter which one it was? They are almost like twins after a fashion. Would that be like Al fucking himself? And what if Ed were to leave the Colonel and go off with Alfons? Is that like incest?

“Havoc, what are you doing?”

“Oh, hi Angel. Nothing, I’m not doing anything. My mind was just wandering that’s all.”

“Well, if you’re finished thinking about the Elric’s and their sexual preferences, could you please get on with the story.”

“How did you…Fine.” How in the Hell had she known? Ok, so on with the show as they say. It is time to hear Angel’s version of Snow White and the seven dwarfs.

“Hey, who are you calling so short he should be carrying a pick axe and mining a tunnel?”

“Nobody said that Edward” The things I go through for my fans.

“Once upon a time…”

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

…in a galaxy far, far away…hang on…wrong story sorry. Let’s start again. Once upon a time in a kingdom called Amestris, there lived a king and queen. They had everything, except a daughter, which king Maes thought was quite a good thing because he had been a boy once. No girl had been safe from him that was how he had gotten Gracia after all, how in the Hell would he protect a daughter from all the horny princes out there? He didn’t think he had enough bullets for that.

Queen Gracia really wanted a child though and had read in one of her many books about conception a story that said if you pricked your finger and placed a drop of blood on the snow and made a wish, it would come true. So skipping all the fairy tale crap, she just preformed the alchemy and finally conceived a child.

Nine months later, after a lot of swearing and promising that if the king’s dick ever came near her again she would rip it off and make him eat it; she finally gave birth to a healthy baby girl. She had raven hair; blood red lips and a very pale complexion ‘I wonder if there is any Xingian in our ancestry’ thought the king. They named her Angel, because Snow White was taken and Hell, it’s my story, I’m allowed to shamelessly add myself to the plot. Mary Sue anyone??

Unfortunately, though not for the plot obviously, Angel’s mother died soon after childbirth and after a shameless tug on the heart strings by having a child actress cry at her graveside and ask the universe why repeatedly, the story moved on.

Not long after this, mostly because he really needed sex and somebody new to show all Angel’s baby pictures to, the king remarried. His new wife was beautiful, proud and cruel, not to mention a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Her name was Solaris, Lust to all those that don’t read the manga and she wasn’t just insane, she was a genius too. She had created her own form of alchemy that had given a mirror life. A sort of Homunculus trapped behind glass that spoke in rhyme and told only the truth. Only, it was really bad at talking in rhyme, sometimes it down right sucked at it, but you get what you pay for right, and the mirror had been free so it was her own fault for using something she had found in a skip. Everyday she would ask the same damn repetitive question.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the hottest babe of all?”

And everyday would be the same reply, “You are you egotistical bitch. You know that already, you ask everyday. Is it too much to ask that you will just go the fuck away?”

“One of these days I’m going to figure out how to cause you pain mirror.”

“Bring it on bitch, it’ll never happen. That’s like saying one day you’ll catch me fappin.” Needless to say, the mirror was an aspiring rapper; it really sucked at it too.

Even though the mirror was hostile and just plain rude, it gave the answer she wanted and she was happy, safe in the knowledge that she was better than everyone else. That was, until the mirror decided it was time to burst her bubble. Boy was she pissed.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the hottest babe of all?”

“I know you think I’m gonna say you
And yesterday that might have been true.
But today’s another day you bitch
And I’ll let in on the new sitch
Angel’s a babe and it’s true to say
We all rather fuck her any day.”

Solaris may have gone a tiny bit nuts after that, I mean; the mirror could have softened the blow a little but never mind. She actually ordered her huntsman, Alex Louis Armstrong, to kill Angel and bring back her heart as proof. Then she could feed it to her pet named Gluttony. Which is just so wrong by the way.

The poor huntsman took Angel off to the woods. Angel wasn’t stupid and knew something was up; the way Alex was crying was never a good sign. They made it to a nice secluded spot and just as Alex was about to round on her she used her only weapon against him, she began to cry.

“Please…don’t…kill…me.” It was a long shot and she knew it, although Alex did have a soft spot, he was a nice huntsman.

“Please don’t cry young miss, you’ll only start me going again.” Angel hated crying but it was helping her stay alive so she would cry all bloody night if she had to. Finally he cracked; he just couldn’t take the large eyes that shone with tears and the sad face that all women use against men to get what they want. After bursting in to tears, having his shirt rip open and sparkles fly around everywhere, he let her go and walked off to find a pig to slaughter. Solaris had wanted the heart after all. Angel balked and ran; she so did not need to see that.

Angel was now all alone, in the forest, at night, how in the Hell was this better than being killed again? She could have sworn the trees were whispering behind her back but all she caught were single words like ‘slut’ and ‘whore’. Nice, now even the trees were against her. She would have walked over stones and through thorn bushes but instead just sat down, after all, if the story is to continue she has to make it to the dwarf’s house and if she just sits still long enough, it will be taken to her. Bloody actresses.

As soon as the house was placed in front of her she wandered in, breaking the law be damned. She found everything she could ever need, only in miniature. Obviously the home of really little people, seven really little people if the beds were anything to go by. She wondered briefly which one she would have to sleep with, ‘let’s hope he’s cute’.

She ate some of the food, just adding to her list of misdemeanours and then went to one of the beds and lay down falling asleep because if she hadn’t, then the next part of the story would suck.

Well after dark because the house had moved and they’d had to search for the damn thing, the occupants arrived home severely pissed off and looking to hurt someone, namely the writer of this nice little fic who happens to be fast asleep on one of the beds. They stormed up to her and shook her awake, one of the shorter members grousing that a girl was taller than him and wasn’t that so damn unfair.

She lifted her head up slowly and opened her eyes, when she noticed who was before her she feigned shock but secretly she was quite happy with the outcome, most of these guys were cute.

“What the fuck are you doing in our house? I’m gonna go phone the police. Did you move the damn thing too?” The mouthy dwarf seemed to be in a perpetual bad mood if the scowl was anything to go by. He frowned up at her before turning to walk away.

“If you phone the police the story will end and I’ll write you in lots of compromising positions.” The mouth didn’t stop his walk to the phone. “I’ll make you the pratfall of every joke.” Still not dissuading him. “I’ll let Roy win every argument.” That one did it; he turned around and walked back, attempting to smile but failing miserably.

“If I put up with this story do I get to win occasionally?” Angel nodded which appeared to be enough to stop the police being phoned and for the story to now continue.

“Don’t mind him; he’s a little short tempered.” It took four of the other dwarves to restrain him as this new dwarf took her hand and kissed it before continuing. “We are the seven dwarves.”

“Angel.”

“What a beautiful name, and so appropriate too.”

“Oh be quiet you horny bastard.” Mouth was back.

“Allow me to introduce us all.” Another new one stepped forward; he wore glasses without lenses which made him look a little strange. When he noticed her looking at them he blushed and rushed to explain, “I don’t actually need them but the character calls for them.”

“Ok” Angel was a little worried but it was her story so she was bound to be fine.

“I am Vato Falman, also known as Doc.”

“Why are you called Doc?”

“Well…erm…you see…it’s because…”

“You have no clue do you?”

“Nope. The story calls for it so that’s what I’m called. I think it sounds good and the glasses make me look smart.” Mouth fell to the floor in fits of laughter at that one.

“That one is Edward Elric but we all call him Grumpy. It’s not exactly hard to see why.” Angel jumped when Grumpy suddenly launched himself across the room towards Doc looking to maim, kill or just plain destroy, whichever was easiest. Thankfully he stopped his mad pursuit when the one he’d called Roy walked in front of him and seemed to whisper something in his ear, or he could have been licking it, it was hard to tell. Doc looked relieved either way.

“Don’t mind brother, he can be a little high strung sometimes.” A warm smile, a sweet voice, how in the Hell was this dwarf related to that one. “I’m Alphonse Elric and I’m pleased to make your acquaintance.” Angel shook his hand and couldn’t help but smile at the boy; he was just so damn nice.

“We call him Dopey because he’s always being silly and bringing home the local wildlife as pets.” Doc smiled when he said it, it was obvious to Angel that they all liked the kid.

“The one that managed to calm down my brother is the colonel.”

“The colonel?”

“Roy Mustang, I have no idea why Dopey insists on calling him that. The rest of us call him Sleepy because whenever you need him he’s always asleep. Lazy bastard.” Sleepy spared a smirk for Doc before going back to whatever he was doing with Grumpy. That could make for some good entertainment. There was a sudden sneeze from behind Angel followed by another, and then another.

“Ok Dopey, where is it?” The sneezer was obviously annoyed at something.

“Where’s what? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” And Dopey was really bad at hiding things.

“Where’s the animal? You know I’m allergic.” Dopey’s face fell as he walked over to his bag and pick axe and removed a small blue squirrel.

“Why is that squirrel blue?”

“Disney ran out of red?? I don’t know.” Dopey walked to the window and let the squirrel jump from his hands and out to the ground below. He waved sadly as it hopped off into the darkness, the sudden screech and the beating of wings as an owl rose into the air was a completely separate issue he was sure.

“That’s Heymans Breda and if you couldn’t already tell, he’s playing Sneezy. You always know when he’s about. That one hiding behind him is Bashful, or Kain Fuery, whichever name works for you. He can be a little shy sometimes.” Angel waved and watched amused as a bright red blush crept up Bashful’s cheeks. The sound of a gun being cocked is not something that you will ever forget and Angel whipped round to look into the eyes of the only female dwarf there, one that happened to carry a rather large 9mm too.

“H…Hi” Angel waved nervously as the gun was lowered, the dwarf offering a slight raise of the lips before going back to polishing the already really shiny weapon.

“That’s Riza Hawkeye; she really likes guns as I’m pretty sure you now know. Unfortunately there is no dwarf in the story called Gun Happy so we just shortened it to Happy. She doesn’t seem to mind too much, at least we think she doesn’t mind, she hasn’t shot any of us so…”

“Now that the introductions are over, what brings such a beautiful lady here?” Sleepy had managed to drag himself away from Grumpy long enough to ask the question.

“My step-mother is trying to kill me.”

“Why, did you break into her house too?” Grumpy was heading for a kick in the nuts at this rate.

“No you smarmy little sod. I’m prettier than her.” While Sleepy and Dopey held back Grumpy after the short joke Angel had shamelessly used, the others all looked at her in shock.

“She’s trying to kill you for being prettier than her?”

“Yep, she’s a little on the vain side.”

“That’s a little vain?” Angel just shrugged and waited for the next questions to come.

…………

Solaris was quite happy at this point, to her mind Angel was dead so she was the hottest chick around again. Until she asked the mirror that damn question again. It might be time to teach the mirror how to lie.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the hottest babe of all?”

“Oh for cryin’ out loud. Haven’t you gotten past this yet?”

“No! Now answer the bloody question.”

“Fine! You my queen are very hot,
But the hottest? Definitely not,
For dear sweet Angel across the hills
Still lives and breathes and gives us the chills.”

To say she was annoyed would be a mild description of Solaris at that moment. The huntsman could hear her screaming and decided to sleep in the woods for a while, all the animals vacated the area in fear for their eardrums and every glass in the castle shattered. She may have been a tad jealous.

She wracked her brain for a new way to kill Angel herself. Now for someone as much of a genius as Solaris you’d expect a bomb or a really fancy weapon of some description right? Wrong! What does old Mrs Vanity decide will kill Angel once and for all? An apple. Poisoned yes, but still, an apple. How big budget is that? Of all the amazing things you could come up with to do with alchemy, it’s a poisoned apple.

And as if that wasn’t bad enough, she borrowed some of her friend’s clothes. His name was Envy and he was one of the most famous drag acts in Amestris so it wasn’t hard for her to find an outfit that suited. So off she went to the house of the dwarfs, sat-nav leading the way, which of course meant that she got lost twice before finally asking for directions.

When she reached the little dwelling in the woods that the sat-nav didn’t have the new coordinates for, she knocked on the door and waited. There was no answer so she knocked again. Still nobody came to the door. Just as she was beginning to believe that that damn wolf had given her the wrong directions she heard a noise inside and saw the movement of curtains at the window by the door.

“I’m sorry but I was told not to open the door.”

“I’m just a little old lady selling apples; surely you could always use apples.”

“Grumpy told me not to, he said if I opened the door to anyone he wouldn’t let me watch him and Sleepy later. Sorry.” Annoyed and a little curious as to what that statement actually meant, Solaris tried again.

“Just one taste my dear and I’m sure you will be wanting more for your friends. I’ll even cut it in half and we can share it.” A few agonising minutes later Solaris heard the catch on the door being drawn back and the door opened before her to reveal Angel in an apron.

“Ok, but just one taste and only because I was always taught to respect my elders.” Angel reached out and took the apple half she was being offered. It was big and red and shone in the sunlight. She took a bite and tasted the sweet juice as it ran down her throat. Suddenly she registered that something was wrong and right before she fell to the floor she realise that she recognised those boots, she’d bought them for Envy. That fucking bastard drag act had let her evil witch of a step mother borrow his best shoes. And she was wearing them in the forest. Then everything was black as she kinda died.

Solaris looked at her with an evil smirk and cackled, well all villains need an evil cackle don’t they. “I win.” Was all she said before she wandered off into the forest to get lost a few more times before making it home. When she got there she went straight to the mirror and asked again that most annoying of questions.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest one of all? If you don’t say me, I swear you’ll regret it.”

“Chill bitch, your evil scheme worked, you finally got your way. You’re the hottest one of all and that’s all I’m gonna say.”

“What no nasty remark this time?”

“I wouldn’t waste my non-existent breath on someone as totally un-cool and bitchy as you.” The mirror then huffed and the face disappeared as Solaris stared in ambiguous annoyance at the retreating form.

What did she care anyway? She was the hottest, she had won, Angel was dead. A good days work if she did say so herself. She wandered off to find someone to fuck and then feed to Gluttony whistling as she went.

…………

When the dwarves came home that evening the first thing that they saw was Angel laying on the ground looking even paler than she was usually. They checked her over and realised that she wasn’t breathing and was in fact dead.

“Right, well let’s get burying her out of the way then.” Grumpy grabbed his pick axe and started to walk off to find a good spot to bury the little cow.

“Brother we can’t.”

“Yes we can, she’s dead what does she care?” He genuinely looked confused about being stopped.

“Grumpy, have you ever read Snow White?”

“Quit calling me that, I’ve asked you repeatedly to not call me that.” Steam came from his ears and he looked rather menacing as he glared at Sleepy.

“Fine Ed, have you ever read Snow White?”

“No, can’t say that I have. It’s a girly book.” The other six dwarves just shook their heads, none of them actually surprised by this. If it wasn’t an alchemy book or Cock‘s monthly Grumpy just wasn’t interested.

“That’s not how the story goes brother. First we’re supposed to put her on a bed of straw for three days and mourn her, then we bury her. Only we’re supposed to notice that she hasn’t decayed and instead place her in a glass coffin with Princess Angel on it in gold lettering.”

“Isn’t that a bit froufrou for someone that was kinda disowned by her step mother?” He did have a point but it’s in the story, can’t fight the story.

“I think we can skip the three days of mourning, the story is getting to be too long as it is.” They all looked at Doc, quite amazed he had been the one to say it even if they had all been thinking it.

Once she was in the coffin and they had all said their goodbyes, the animals of the forest came to say goodbye too in true Disney fashion. Only in Disney movies you never see the clean up after all the animals are gone. The dwarves made Dopey go out and clear up all the shit since he was the one who loved animals so much.

Now wouldn’t you know it, but a prince was actually riding through the woods at that precise moment, big shock there then. He happened upon the scene, Angel in her coffin and Dopey looking like, smelling like and picking up shit. He saw how beautiful she was and stopped to read the golden lettering. Now it just so happened that he was looking for a princess owing to one of his guards constantly stealing all of his dates. The guard that looked remarkably like that one dwarf that was peaking from behind a tree over there.

He instantly fell in love with Angel even though she was dead and wanted to take the coffin back to his kingdom so that he could have her cloned. The dwarves though, all apart from Grumpy, wouldn’t let him. They told him exactly what he could do with himself and if it had been physically possible for him to do it he may have tried.

He leaned against the coffin as his imagination tried to work out a way for him to try what the dwarves had suggested and managed to push the thing over. Sneezy looked a little apologetic at having not secured the thing properly as they all watched it fall to the ground throwing Angel out and when she hit the floor a piece of apple fell from her mouth.

She coughed, she sputtered and she swore like a trooper as she sucked air into her lungs.

“What the fucking Hell was that?” All the dwarves stood gawping at her as she pushed herself to her feet and swayed slightly trying to get her balance. “Nobody help then. Where did she go? I’m gonna bitchslap her into next fucking week. Kill me would she, bloody whore.”

“You…you’re alive.”

“Well duh. Did none of you read the ending of Snow White?”

“Well…erm…”

“…I got…”

“…busy…”

“…forgot.”

“Yeah, figures. So where’s my handsome prince?”

“H…here, I’m here.” The prince looked at her in awe as she turned to him and smiled.

“Well, what’s your name then?”

“Oh…sorry. Havoc, Jean Havoc and it is a pleasure to meet you.” She held out her hand for him to kiss and decided right then that he was the one for her. Definitely worth the Mary Sue ficcage. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her deeply. When she pulled away breathing heavily, she had but one request.

“Can the dwarves come with us? I’d miss my nightly nose bleeds if I left them behind.” He didn’t quite understand what she had said but agreed anyway and off they went to his land to be married.

…………

Angel’s step mother had received an invitation to the feast and thought nothing more of it than a neighbouring kingdom celebrating a wedding. Imagine her shock and horror when she spoke to the mirror later that night.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the hottest babe of all?”

“Oh, please tell me we are not back to this.”

“Oh do shut up and just tell me what I want to hear already.”

“Can’t.”

“What do you mean ‘can’t’?

“Can’t tell you what isn’t true.”

“What was that?” Solaris looked utterly confused which delighted the abused mirror to no end.

“You may be hot, you may be fine
But this new queen is so divine
She blows you right out of the water
And so she should, she is your daughter.” The mirror took way too much pleasure in telling her that. She didn’t want to believe and rushed to the carriage and made it speed to the feast to find out if it was true.

When she got there the first person she saw was Angel and her face fell. What did she have to do to kill that little bitch? As soon as she was noticed she was promptly arrested and taken before her daughter and her new husband.

“Hi mommy dearest, I bet you’re surprised to see me.” The look on Angel’s face was one borrowed from the resident grump. It was sort of a mix between pure loathing, scorn and smugness that not many people could pull off.

“This is your step mother my love?”

“Oh yes, this is her.”

“What shall we do with her?”

“I was going to say banishment but I’m more inclined to say throw her in a room with no mirrors or make-up for the rest of her life.” Solaris could think of nothing more evil than having no make-up or mirrors and kicked and screamed as she was dragged away. When she was gone the party restarted and everybody had fun, especially when Sleepy began sticking his tongue down Grumpy’s throat in the middle of the dance floor.

And they lived happily ever after, that is until somebody called Ed Grumpy the next day.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Havoc looked up from reading the story to see Al and Alfons going at it in the middle of the floor, the ginger kid being molested by the insane Kenpachi and that really freaky guy and Ed’s features switching between pure bliss as Roy worked him over and hatred directed at Havoc for calling him Grumpy and short so many times. The cat guy was curled up fast asleep but it was where he was asleep that was the most disturbing part. He was curled up in Armstrong’s lap and the big guy hadn’t even moved. He was still sat staring at Havoc, tears filling his eyes at the happy ending.

This is what I meant by getting out with your sanity intact, how in the Hell am I ever supposed to be able to dream again with that image burnt into my retinas? He put down the book as he realised that the best thank you he was going to get was to be not killed by Ed for all the short jokes and walked away, leaving all the lust crazed people behind him and one very freaky Armstrong too. He muttered quietly to himself as he went.

“I seriously do not get paid enough for this shit.”

The End.