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Lonely Desire	By : Petya Category: Gundam (all others) > General Views: 12076 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Gundam series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 13
- 14
- 15
Pairings: Athrun x Kira, minor Dearka x Yzak

Disclaimer: I don�t own Gundam SEED/Destiny I am just
borrowing the characters for this fic. I seek no profit.

Warnings:
NC-17, but this one is pretty
safe.

Comment: I am really sorry I took so long to update. Gomen nasai *bows*, minna-san. But since chapter 15 is
ready, I promise to upload it in two days. And I will start working on chapter
16.

Special
thanks to: Mat and Chiaki for
editing my mistakes.

Chapter
FOURTEEN

Crossroads

�Here, sir. These are the results of the latest
blood-test of Kira Yamato. They do seem rather strange, if you wouldn�t mind my
comment.� The blonde boy � Rey � placed a file on the desk behind which sat his
superior � a tall raven-haired man with piercing orange eyes. The man took the
folder and opened it to examine its content. �The woman � Erica Simmons � did
some other examinations on the object,� continued the other boy, the one with
black hair and red eyes � Shinn � �but unfortunately, we were unable to obtain
them, since she was the only person present when those examinations took place,
aside from the patient, of course, and as it turned out later, she had deleted
all data from the hospital database, meaning that she has the only copies of
the results. So far we had no success in our attempts to copy the information.
We will do our best to��

His commander lifted his hand to stop the
explanation and the boy stopped in mid-sentence and stood to attention. The
older man started to read carefully what was in the folder and a small smile
curved his features. Someone who didn�t know him might consider that smile one
of joy or contentment, but if one knew him well or looked carefully at his
eyes, which remained as cold and indifferent as ever, that one would recognize
it as a smile of triumph.

So, they had found out, and much earlier than
he had thought they would. That woman was indeed smart, a true Coordinator. He
wished he had been there when she had realized what was going on with the boy.
He stared at the results in front of him and wondered whether the two boys had
understood what those formulae meant. He doubted it. They were soldiers, not
biochemists. He would have to tell them though, but not just yet.

�Rey, Shinn, I want to repeat my order that you
should guard the object � Kira Yamato � and make sure that nothing happens to
him. And if this means that you�ll have to take a bullet fired at him, so be
it. He is extremely important, and I want you to be fully aware of that.�

�Sir, yes, sir!� answered the boys in unison
and saluted.

�You are dismissed, resume your duties.� With
that he stopped noticing their presence and the two youngsters exited the room.

�Do you understand what is so special about
that Kira Yamato, Rey?� Asked Shinn once they were out of the room.

�No, Shinn, and that is none of our business.
We have to follow the orders of our superior officers,
we are not supposed to question them.� The tone of the boy left no room for
further discussion.

Kira and Erica Simmons were in his car. Early that morning he had called her and had requested that they
meet to talk as soon as possible in a place where there wouldn�t be danger of
being overheard, so they had decided that he would give her a ride to the
hospital and they would talk on the way. That was what they had been doing.

Erica Simmons had expected anything but what
the beginning of the conversation had actually turned out to be. He had been
born in an artificial womb. And been designed to be the
Ultimate Coordinator by his own biological father. He had admitted that
no one other than her knew of his secret. She could understand why. She could
also understand now, why he was so special, why his abilities exceeded those of
any other Coordinators and why he could get pregnant. Yet as a scientist, a
mother and a human, she couldn�t understand how one could do such a thing to
another human being, especially if that is one�s own flesh and blood. She could
only imagine how difficult it had been for the boy to accept his origin and
move on with his life. She had not inquired on the topic realizing how
traumatizing it should be for the young Coordinator to tell her of his origin.
She moved on to the other subject that interested the boy.

�Kira-kun, there shouldn�t be any problem for
you to travel, but I don�t want for you to be alone. Your case is just far to unique and I have no idea how might things turn out. May
I ask where are you thinking of going to and will
there be someone who would be able to call if, God forbid, something happens?�

�I want to visit Malchio-san, and stay there
for some time. I need to think about everything you told me yesterday. There
are a lot of questions inside me. Questions that I need to find the answers to.
And I have to think of a way to tell Athrun, as he is the father. I suppose you
have to know. Malchio-san will be there and I�ll tell him that I have been ill
and I�ll tell him to call you, should something happens to me. Is that
alright?� Kira cast a glance at her and quickly turned his attention back to
the road.

Erica Simmons felt surge of admiration for the
boy beside her. He had gone through so much during the war and he had faced and
overcome so many obstacles and still remained good-hearted, open and trusting,
when many others in his place would have either broken down or would have turned
bitter and resentful towards the rest of the humanity, or even would have grown
a feeling of superiority over all Naturals and Coordinator who are not as
intelligent or capable as them.

�OK, and how do you
plan to go there? There are no regular flights or transport-ships that travel
to that destination.�

�Well I though of asking for a plane, but I am
afraid that later it would be easily located and knowing Athrun and my sister
they would come up with this idea the moment they find out I am away. So I meant
to ask you if you could help me with that one�� He had an apologizing
expression as if he felt sorry for giving her so much trouble. She reached and
patted him on the shoulder as she spoke.

�Ok, that won�t be a problem. My husband works
at Morgenroete and I�ll ask him to borrow a plane and get you to the island. I
would also ask you that you don�t fly or operate a MS even in training or
teaching practice because it might threaten your pregnancy.�

Kira nodded obviously storing every bit of
information. He took the last turn and parked the car in front of the hospital.
�Thank you, for everything� he looked her in the eyes to make sure that he
meant not only the help she had promised through her husband, but everything
she had been doing for him and for keeping his secret. He took a letter that
had been lying on the back seat and handed it to her. �Can I ask you one last
thing? Would you give this to my sister? I suppose you�ll go to meet everyone
at the shuttle-port�� she nodded in confirmation ��and I want to tell her and
Athrun that I am leaving for some time.�

�I�ll
give it to her.� She took the letter and put it in her handbag. �I�ll call you
as soon as I settle the things with my husband. Take care� she turned and
headed for the big glass doors that led into the hospital.

Cagalli watched as the blue sphere called Earth
grew bigger and bigger in front of her. She was glad that she was returning to
her home after all the time she had been away. It had not been planned for all
of them to stay on PLANT for so long, but they couldn�t possibly leave right
after the terrorist attack of the Blue Cosmos. It could have been interpreted
as a silent approval of their actions and that would have ruined the peace that
they had attained at such a high prize. She drank in the green and luscious
beauty of the islands of ORB as they came into vision and enjoyed the sight.

She cast a side glance to Yzak and Dearka, who
seemed to be unaware of anything around them. They had been deprived of time
for each other since they had to take part in a lot of public and private
events that wouldn�t leave them any moment of much needed privacy. They were
obviously eager to go home and make up for what they had missed. She smiled at
the sight they presented � two boys in their late teens sitting in two
neighbouring seats talking and arguing � one wouldn�t guess how deep in love
they were if one only judged by their public behaviour or the constant
provocative remarks they exchanged. She moved her gaze to the pink-haired girl
that occupied a seat in front of the boys. Lacus was as composed and joyful on
the outside as ever, but she had had to put a lot of effort to calm down the
voices of those who had cried revenge after the attacks. She had appeared on
countless TV programs and had sung till her throat went husky and painful just
to make sure that the flames of war would not spark again. A then there was
Athrun� He was getting more and more distant with every passing day and his
eyes would lose their gleam often. Every now and then he would drift into
another world and only then did his eyes show some spark, but she couldn�t read
its meaning well enough to be sure what it meant. She strongly suspected
though, that his state had something to do with her brother. Yet she didn�t
know what exactly�

Next to her Athrun could only think of one
single thing � Kira. He was finally going to see him. He missed him terribly.
The time they had been separated had been a torture for him and he just
couldn�t wait to lay eyes on the small and beautiful body of his beloved. He
wanted to get a welcome-home embrace from him. Kira usually greeted them at the
shuttleport or the airport whenever they returned from a far away journey. That
was why the blue-haired boy was extremely disappointed that his friend was not
among the people who had come to welcome them. There were only a few close
friends like Kisaka, Erica Simmons and some others, plus the emirs that had
ruled ORB during the absence of the Head Representative, but not the lithe boy
with mesmerizing amethyst eyes and unruly brown hair. The green-eyed
Coordinator was hurt and wondered what the reason for Kira�s absence was.

Cagalli saw the pain that flashed in the
emerald eyes of her friend and understood the reason. Her brother was not
present. She couldn�t understand why. This was happening for the first time.
But probably there was some excuse that would explain everything. She went
though the ritual greetings as required by the etiquette while her mind was
occupied with Kira�s case. When she reached Erica Simmons, the woman greeted
her officially and silently added.

�There�s a letter from your brother that he
left with me to give you, but now is not the right time.�

Cagalli nodded slightly and muttered in the
same silent voice �Join me and Athrun in the car, we�ll be able to talk there.�
The she had to move to the next person. She continued to shake hands and mutter
the necessary words but now almost all of her thoughts lingered towards the
letter. She hoped that any mistake would be excused by her friends or be
explained with her exhaustion.

Once they departed Cagalli turned to Erica
Simmons and asked. �So, what is going on? Why didn�t my brother come? And what
letter has he given you?�

Athrun, who so far had had no idea why the
woman had joined them in the car, now concentrated his whole attention on her. Letter? What letter?

�This is it.� said Erica Simmons and handed
Cagalli a plain envelope with hers and Athrun�s names on it. �But I can�t tell
you what the reason for his decision not to come here is. All I know is that
this morning he came to me and asked me to make sure you receive his message.
Oh, and he asked that you read it only when you and Athrun-kun are in a place
where you can be alone.� She hastened to add as she saw that the blond girl
reaching to tear the paper to see what was inside.

Cagalli stopped her actions and stared at the
white envelope that was now partially torn. She was annoyed at her brother�s
behaviour. It was not like him to act so mysteriously. She just couldn�t wait
to arrive at the residence and finally find out what was going on. What was
going on with him? He had called rather rarely, but that she explained with his
withdrawal lately, and even when they would talk there was some air of
distance, as if he was not feeling comfortable to talk to her or Athrun for
that matter, since they usually called together. What the hell was going on
with him? Maybe he had been spending all his time with his girlfriend and that
was the reason why he acted so strangely. She cast a look at the envelope that
burned her hands. What was its content? For some weird reason she felt that it
was important, yet on the other hand if it was important why was Kira using a
letter instead of talking to them in person. He was not one to avoid facing the
truth as terrible as it might be�

Athrun just stared at the small piece of paper
that would answer his questions about Kira. His mind raced in a thousand
different directions as he contemplated the reasons for Kira�s strange
behaviour. After Kira had awaken he had been as joyful and talkative as he had
been before Ai, but that had changed after their first phone talk after they
had gone to PLANT. Something ought to have happened during their absence and
maybe the letter that was in Cagalli�s hand held the explanation what exactly.
He had waited to meet Kira, he had envisioned their reunion, he had even
imagined how his beloved would meet him with a warm embrace and mutter in his
ear sweet words of love and reminder of that special moment they had shared� He
knew he had been unreasonable and had left his imagination take the better of
him, but he was a human being and he too had dreams� And all his dreams revolved around one single
person � Kira. Almost every night over there on PLANT he had been seeing and
feeling his lover in his arms, only to wake up and realize he had been
embracing the pillow. He had spent countless night-hours replaying in his mind
the one time when his dreams had turned into reality. His aching body had
craved the warmth and the tightness of Kira�s� his hand reached to caress the
soft and silky skin� his lips longed to press to those of his beloved� he
wanted to taste him, to breathe in his scent, to see the ecstatic gleam in his
eyes as he reached his peak� Athrun�s body started to throb as those thoughts
and images plagued his mind. He tried to get a hold of himself. That was hardly
the right time and place to let his fantasies on the loose.

The car stopped in front of the Residence and
Cagalli jumped out of it almost hitting with the door the unlucky young servant
that had been ready to open it for his Princess. The poor boy could only blink
in confusion as his head of state rushed ahead, not caring what she would knock
on her way. The not very respectful thought that she might desperately need the
rest room crossed his mind, but before he could continue along this line of
reasoning he was pushed away by the Princess� bodyguard who seemed just as
determined to reach his aim as she had been a second earlier.

Athrun caught up with Cagalli and both of them
almost ran down the corridors until they made it to her apartment. As soon as
the Coordinator closed the door behind them she took out the letter and finally
opened it to read its content. She scanned the text, but knowing full well that
the green-eyed boy was as interested to know what Kira had written as she was,
she started to read aloud.

�Cagalli, Athrun,

I am really sorry that I didn�t come to meet
you at the shuttle port, but right now I am facing some pretty strange and
disturbing things about myself. For that reason I decided that I need to be
alone for some time. I don�t know how long I will be away, but I will inform
you as soon as I return. Please don�t search for me. I need some time to come
to peace with myself.

Till soon

Kira�

Cagalli lifted her gaze off the small message
that said nothing and looked at the equally perplexed boy in front of her. �Do
you have any idea what is the reason for this?� she waved the sheet of paper to
indicate what she was referring to as if he couldn�t understand it. �What is
going on with my brother? What is happening in that head of his? If I get my
hands on him I am capable of strangling him, boy or no boy, Coordinator or not,
stronger than me or whatever. I will kill him�� She cut off her tirade as she
ran out of breath. Her amber eyes gleamed with irritation and she paced back
and forth to get rid of the tension that overwhelmed her.

Athrun stared blankly as he thought what had
led to Kira�s sudden decision to leave. If he had been here only that same
morning, why hadn�t he postponed his departure by a few hours and met them. He
could have told them all that in person and they would
have been able to understand him better. Unless� Unless he
hadn�t wanted to meet them� Or maybe there was a particular person he
had been unwilling to meet�

�It�s
your fault� he heard a nasty
little voice tell him. �He probably hates
you for what you did to him. It was you that caused him to fall in hibernation,
wasn�t it?� Athrun couldn�t deny that there was probably some truth in what
the voice was saying. Even Erica-sensei had stated that since they had not
found any physiological reasons for Kira�s disease, then the reasons should be
psychological� �Yeah, and maybe he is
disgusted at what you did to him too. And he can bear the sight of you, so he
chose to run away��

The blue-haired boy tried to refute to that
statement but he wasn�t completely sure in his words. After all Kira hadn�t
shown any signs of disgust or repulsion before they had set off for PLANT.

�That
is probably because he was trying to fight his feelings or because he was too
weak, or maybe his memories were still blurred, but as soon as he could think
clearly he probably realized that he couldn�t stand being around you any more,
that you had taken advantage of his temporary incapacity.� Athrun was crushed. Was it possible that Kira
thought so? That he was disgusted by what they had shared or that he considered
himself violated? He didn�t want to believe it. That was not possible. Kira was
not like that. �But he was not like that before you took his body without his
consent��

�So
it is my fault, is that what you mean? That because we made love he decided to
leave?� He didn�t realize he
shouted the words aloud and not in his mind.

Cagalli was shocked by what she heard. She had
seen that something was bothering her friend, but she had thought it was just
confusion at Kira�s departure. The phrase that Athrun shouted however left her
speechless and she was almost literally standing gaping with her mouth wide open
and unable to make a sound. The letter silently flew from her hand towards the
floor as her hands reached for her mouth. She shook her head to clear her mind
as she stepped towards the boy.

Athrun was still shocked by the accusations his
own mind had thrown at him and continued to be unaware that the twin-sister of
his lover was staring at him in shock. A
sudden grab of his shirt snapped him out of his reverie as Cagalli shouted at
him.

�What do you mean by �we made love�?� Her hands
gripped his clothes as she watched him intently in the eyes.

Only now did he realize that he had spoken
aloud. He didn�t know what to say. How did one say to his ex-girlfriend, even
if they had shared nothing but few kisses, that one
had gone much further with her brother? He looked at the amber eyes that were
locked to his emerald ones as he searched for words that would make it easier
for her to understand.

�Cagalli,�� her name
was all he could say. He just couldn�t find the words.

She grabbed him tighter and started to shake
him. He didn�t resist or take any actions against her. Maybe if she acted on
her anger, she would calm down a little and be more willing to listen to him.
If he managed to find any words that would get his point across,
that was.

�Tell me, Athrun, tell me!� Her voice sounded desperate
and it had gone at least an octave higher, so she now sounded as a screaming
girl, which she actually was. Somewhere in the back of his mind Athrun found
that amusing, but he was not able to enjoy it completely.

�Cagalli, I�� once again he couldn�t continue.

�You what?� She started to hit him. Her fists beat at his
chest helplessly. She didn�t really want to hurt him or she would have been
more aggressive, but she just needed to do something. Her voice turned even
more aggressive and high-pitched �You what, Athrun?�

�I made love to your brother�� She gasped at
his words, which confirmed what she had heard just moments earlier, but now
that he had started he just couldn�t stop. He needed to speak it up. He had to
tell Cagalli of his feelings. She was the only one that didn�t know. Well, he
had not told Lacus too, but somehow, he felt that the songstress had caught
what he felt for Kira even without being told. �I love him, Cagalli, I love
him. So that night, the night before he fell sick, I� we� we made love.�

The Natural girl stopped hitting him and
withdrew from him as if he was contaminating. �K-Kira and you� You and m-my
br-rother�� She stammered and then paused as she fought with the images that
popped in her mind. Images of her brother and Athrun making love� She tried to
suppress her imagination and to concentrate on the most important and essential
thing at the moment � the fact itself. The fact that her
little brother and her friend � her former boyfriend � had made love. That they were in love. Or at least Athrun was in love. Her
head started to throb. She had difficulties to accept it. It was one thing to
know that your friends were homosexual as were Yzak and Dearka. To know that
your brother was one too, was a completely different
matter. It didn�t fit in her mind.

Athrun watched as Cagalli�s expression turned
from one of pure shock and confusion into one of horror and denial. It hurt him
that she had reacted like that. He had expected that she might have troubles
accepting his and Kira�s relationship, but he had never imagined she would be
so terrified. He tried to explain to make her understand �Cagalli, I realize it
might be difficult for you to find out that Kira and I have that kind to
relationship, but please don�t reject it. I love him! It was you in fact who
helped me realize it, back when I thought I had killed Kira. I tried to
suppress it for some time and I tried to hide it till he recovered from the
traumas that the war had inflicted upon him, but I couldn�t wait more. It hurt
to know he had a girlfriend, it hurt to be apart from him, it hurt when he
started to become alienated. And that night� it was not planned� it just
happened. And only then I allowed myself to hope that Kira also loves me.�
Athrun paused hoping for a reaction that would indicate that the Natural girl
listened and understood; that she might accept what she had found out so
suddenly, but there was none. She was there but her posture spoke of denial and
rejection. Her eyes were closed and she seemed to fight something inside her
soul. He sighed� Maybe she needed some time. �Please, Cagalli, please think
about it��

The girl opened her troubled amber eyes that
shone with confusion and looked straight into his emerald ones that pleaded for
acceptance. Her mind was unable to process what she had just heard. She had
never thought of herself as homophobe and she had never found homosexuality
disgusting or sick. It was normal. Yet it had never been � part of her life. Except for Yzak and Dearka
of course, but theirs had been so obvious that she had expected it. But now it
was about her brother and her one-time boyfriend. Ah, she needed time! She had
to think. And it had been a day filled with too many surprises. First her
brother�s sudden departure to only God knew where and his letter that said and
explained nothing, and then came Athrun�s outburst that had made things even
more complicated. She needed time to be alone and think.

�Athrun, I� I can�t talk to you now. I need
some time to think about everything. I am sorry, but please give me that time.
If we continue now, I might say something that I will regret later.�

The blue-haired Coordinator nodded. At least
she had not exploded and hadn�t called him a pervert. He calmly wished her good
day and headed for his apartment that was situated next to hers.

Back at her lodgings Cagalli collapsed in a
sofa, peeled off her slippers, lifted her feet on the arm-rest and tried not to
think of what she had just found out. It didn�t work. That was hardly something
one could put aside that easily. She jumped up and decided to take a shower,
which was something that usually helped her relax. She took off her clothes and
threw them on the floor then she stepped in her spacious bathroom. She
considered lying in the tube, but it would most likely lead to thinking about
the issue she didn�t want to think about, so she chose the shower.

The hot streams of water massaged her body and
she enjoyed the feeling. But Athrun�s words continued to ring in her head.

�I
made love to your brother��

�I
love him, Cagalli, I love him. So that night, the night before he fell sick, I�
we� we made love.�

�And
that night� it was not planned� it just happened. And only then I allowed myself
to hope that Kira also loves me.�

She lifted her face so that the water fell
directly on it then she applied some shampoo on her hair and started to rub it
in fiercely as if the foam could wash away the thoughts and the memories. There
was no effect and she extended her hands towards the steam-covered wall to
support her body. It was pointless. She just couldn�t pretend she was unphased
by what she was told. She quickly finished her shower and lied on her huge bed
staring at the canopy above it.

Why did she react so emotionally? She had never
deemed homosexuality any differently than heterosexuality. She had been fine
with Dearka and Yzak�s relationship. Why did it bother her that Athrun was in
love with her brother and that Kira most probably felt something for him too?
Was she still in love with Athrun and hiding it even from herself? Was this
jealousy caused by the fact that it was Kira that had won Athrun�s love?

Cagalli dug in her heart for the answers of
those questions and was not really happy to admit to herself what they were.
She did not love the blue-haired Coordinator as a man and she didn�t
particularly mind he loved her brother. And besides she had been given enough
clues to that, so that was hardly a big surprise itself. Was it because she knew
they had had intimate relationship? She thought about it, even if it was a bit
disturbing to think about her brother�s sexual life. Yet she needed to consider
all aspects of the situation. She needed to be absolutely sure what was her
position and how would she act. To find out what was the thing that made her
resist the idea of Kira and Athrun as something more than friends, when she had
been aware that the blue-haired boy cared for her brother on a more personal
level. She remembered the message Athrun had written to Kira, how he hadn�t
wanted to leave his sickbed and even had refused to eat or sleep until his
friend was out of danger.

The thing
that made all the difference, the thing
that actually made her react so strongly to Athrun�s confession was something
else�

Envy�

She rolled on the bed and covered herself with
the sheets as if to hide her sinful thoughts.

She was envious�

After some thought she realized that what she
actually envied was the way he had talked about his love for Kira. The way his eyes had glowed while he was declaring his love for her
brother. All of it meant that he was sure that he had found the other
half of his soul. And she was still alone. And what was more, once Athrun and
Kira became a couple (if they did) she would become even lonelier, because if
they were beside her now, then they would most probably be entirely dedicated
to each other and she would end up feeling redundant.

She hated herself for being jealous yet she
couldn�t stop the feeling from overwhelming her. She buried her face in one of
the pillows on her bed and cried. Cried for being so jealous and pathetic and
unable to accept the happiness of her friend and her brother�

Athrun walked silently the few meters from the
door to Cagalli�s apartment to that of his own and once the door was closed
behind him and there was a wall that hid him from any curious eyes he allowed
himself to lean at the solid oak for support. He turned and desperately banged
his forehead into the wood before his hands flew to his face. Then he clenched
them in fists and hit the door hoping that the pain will clear his mind. It
didn�t, so he figured out it would be better if he stopped acting in such a
childish manner and regained some composure.

What was going on with him? How had it come to
all of this? Kira gone� Him talking to himself� Telling Cagalli about his love
for Kira and about them having sex before he had been ready and before she had
been ready either, without preparing her for what was coming at her� Was that
going to end up in ruins and tears?

He went to the large balcony of his apartment
which overlooked the private beach that was reserved for the residential
occupants. He had missed that view up on PLANT. It was strange how in the short
time he had spent in ORB this beautiful country had started to represent his
home much more that the place he had grown up at and which he had tried to
protect by enlisting in the army. Athrun knew that this place was his home
because this was where Kira was. That was why it had been so important to him
that his beloved had not come to meet him at the shuttleport.

He stood on the balcony and watched as the sun
was setting. The colours that changed started from orange and went trough red
and finally just before the sun dived in the ocean he saw the one he had been
waiting for � the shining beautiful amethyst of Kira�s eyes. When the colour
disappeared Athrun went back inside and the accusations that his own mind had
thrown at him when he had heard the content of the letter came to pester him
once again. Was it really that way? Was Kira running away from him? Or was he
assuming things and letting his imagination and inner insecurities overcome his
judgment. He tried to think reasonably.

Was it his fault that Kira had fallen into
hibernation? He had asked himself many times how much of what happened with
Kira was his fault. Whether everything had started with the message he had
written to Kira, or it had been the night of passion that they shared that
started that nightmare of insecurities, selfaccusations and fear for Kira�s
life. He couldn�t be sure he was guilty as charged by his unconscious, but he
had no evidence to completely overrule it either. It was a gray area. Yet the
shades in that area hid the answers to questions that had great importance for
his life and peace of mind.

He went to his bedroom and took one of the
photos that decorated his nightstand � it was a large photo of Kira, one that
he had taken secretly soon after they had come to live in ORB. The company of
six had gone to the seaside and Athrun had managed to take a shot of Kira with
the drops of salty water sparkling on his slender tanned chest refracting the
light and his eyes shining and smiling at some trick that Dearka had played on
Yzak. Athrun caressed the tender features and carefully placed the picture in
its place.

His eyes remained fixed on the two-dimensional
image of his beloved as he was tortured by the one big question that would not
let him sleep normally, the one that always made him sweat in horror � the possibility
that Kira had been feverish and unaware of the act he and Athrun had been
engaged in.

His mind was constantly reminding him of that
one and he was getting more and more troubled, he was having problems
concentrating and he even considered taking some time off, because he had
started to doubt his efficiency as a Cagalli�s personal bodyguard. The only
reason he had not done it was that he was afraid of the questions that might
arise if he did.

But now with Kira gone, he needed to work or he
would go insane with all the questions that would not stop torturing him. He
wondered how long his would beloved stay away.

For the next few days Cagalli avoided Athrun.
Not physically, he was her personal bodyguard after all, but emotionally. She
erected a wall that had the message �I
don�t want to talk about that�
all over it and the boy abided her wishes albeit reluctantly. She could see his
need to talk, to know what was she thinking and was she planning on sabotaging
his possible relationship with Kira or was she going to use her every ounce of
influence and support to help him in his quest for her brother�s heart.

She started to feel even worse for acting like
that, but she couldn�t help herself. It was hard for her too. Inside her heart
she had a hard time accepting her own situation. She was to be left alone and
she was afraid. Afraid that she wouldn�t find the love that
seemed to bless everyone but her� Well Lacus was alone too, but her case
was different, though if someone asked her how exactly it was different she
would have been unable to answer.

And she kept asking herself why she was so
egoistic and why did she act so cruelly towards Athrun. And what made her even
more confused was her that she didn�t know if Kira was in love with the
blue-haired boy. He had slept with him, but sex was not a proof of love. It
could have been just a moment of desire or even simple curiousity. The fact the Kira had chosen to run away �
for her his act was exactly running away � didn�t help her make her mind. She
was totally confused. On one side were the inner conflicts she had and on the
other was Kira�s inexplicable behaviour. Yet she couldn�t take forever in
making her mind. But she just needed one more day� Or two�

Three days had passed since Kira arrived at
Malchio�s house but he hadn�t yet made any decision. The truth was he had not
though seriously about how he should present the news to Athrun and whether he
would he anyone else about his pregnancy. He constantly found something to do
or thought about things that were not really important at the moment. Such as
would the child be a boy or a girl. He didn�t mind whichever turned out to be
as long as he/she was healthy. Would he or she have his amethyst eyes or the
brilliant emeralds of Athrun? And what would his/her hair colour be � brown or
midnight-blue, or maybe he/she will be born with some unique combination of
eyes and hair that mixed the features of both parents without taking after any
of them? He kept throwing up every morning but now that he knew its meaning he
almost welcomed it, not completely though, no one would be happy to spend a
daily morning session in the toilet vomiting, but he kind of accepted it as a
part of the miracle he was bestowed with. He would spend hours walking around
the island or sitting at the beach and doing nothing but talking to the small
life growing inside him. He understood he was putting off important things, but
it seemed that his priorities had changed dramatically over the few days since
he found out he was pregnant.

If someone had told him that he would accept
something as weird as him being pregnant and pitting the small baby on the very
top of his priority list he would have laughed at him silly. But now he simply
couldn�t imagine going back and giving up the small and precious life that made
him so immensely happy.

And he kept remembering the way the baby was
created. It was something that would always make him smile and feel loved. He
was almost sure that Athrun loved him and that made his life even more complete
and perfect.

He often imagined the life his beloved and he
would share. They would spend the nights doing all those naughty and pleasant
things and then they would be together supporting each other during the day. In
the evening they would sit on the sofa close to each other, embracing or
touching and they would share how their day had passed and what had happened to
both of them while they had been separated. And later they would be going
through names for their baby. That was something Kira didn�t think about. He felt
that the name of their child should be something they would have to decide on
together. They created him/her together after all.

The days passed and although Kira craved to be
with Athrun he somehow couldn�t find the inner strength to tell him about what
a freak he was. He believed or at least strongly wanted to believe that Athrun
would love him no matter what and that they can make it through any obstacle
that fate might throw at them but deep inside he was still unsure.

He was afraid that Athrun might feel pressured
and cornered by the news of his lover�s pregnancy. What if he was not ready to
move on to the level of commitment that a child required? They were young most
people at their age were still children. They had been forced to mature early since
the war had not been a game, but still they were barely 18 and actually knew
nothing about kids. They were only now learning how to live in a peaceful world
and they were still unprepared for life. And now he and Athrun would have to
learn how to take care for their child � a small creature that would be
completely helpless and dependable on them. Kira had bought some disks with
books � both popular and aimed for medics and biochemists � about pregnancy
(even if he was not a woman, a pregnancy should be a pregnancy anyway) and care
for the newborn and he spent hours almost fully memorizing them. He wanted to
learn as much as possible in theory and then what he lacked he would learn on
the fly.

And as frightening as it was the possibility
that Athrun would think that Kira was a freak beyond anything ever created and
would want to have nothing to do with him was also real. He could just be
repulsed by the news that Kira was a human-experiment that had been so weird to
be able to get pregnant.

Kira stared at the sea his feet knee-deep in
the water. He loved to watch the waves as they gently washed the beach. The
colour of the tropical sea was almost the same shade as that of Athrun�s eyes.
And the liquid caresses of the warm water over his skin reminded him of his
lover�s touch as it had been that night. Their first night together� He smiled
and his face glowed at the nice memory. His hand was on his abdomen and he
rubbed it gently as to show his love for his unborn child. It was still too
early for him to show.

He went out of the water and sat on the warm
sand. It was past time he came up with a decision. He had been on the island
for 10 days already and he was still to decide when and how to tell Athrun. He
had made his mind that he wouldn�t tell the others before he talked to his
beloved. He should state his opinion about the issue.

But how do you present such news? Only now did
he understand how hard it should have been for Erica Simmons to tell him. Yet,
Athrun had the right to know he was going to become a father. And Kira needed
to share that wonderful event with him.

The brunet wondered if Athrun would be mad for
leaving him the way he did, but he hoped that once his beloved heard the reason
for his departure, he would understand. It was Friday he remembered. So in two
days was Sunday � Athrun�s day off. That should be the most appropriate day.
But how should he start on the topic? He couldn�t just drop it on his lover out
of the blue. If he just said �Hi, Athrun,
you know, I am kind of pregnant� the other boy would most likely drag him
to the nearest shrink for a mental check up.

He could of course start from afar with the
night they spent together, but that was hardly helpful. The fact was men didn�t
get pregnant � well usually. Or maybe he should just start with what he had
been told by Raw le Creuset � about his father making him the Ultimate
Coordinator. And something more than just that� making
him the first man to be able to give birth. Only now did it come to him that
Creuset had not mentioned that part� Well, maybe he hadn�t known, or he hadn�t
wanted to tell him. Or he hadn�t minded. He himself had been a victim of
experiment that had turned out unsuccessfully after all.

Yes. That was the best way. He should start by
explaining that he had been experimented on and that way it would be easier for
Athrun to accept that there was more than just the Ultimate Coordinatorship
that made him different from the others. And he would bring all those pictures
and tables that Erica Simmons had showed him, to show them to Athrun. He would
go back to Onogoro the following day. He took out his mobile phone and called
Erica Simmons to tell her that he would need a ride home�

@
AsuKira: Sorry that I took so long, but ch 14 is
finally up. Thanks for your compliments. Ch 15 comes soon. I promise.

@ mikyu: I am
honored you wrote your first review for LD. And don�t worry, most of us are not
native in English, yet we post here. So glad that you like my
fic. And if you draw a pic of pregnant Kira I�ll be happy if you�d upload
it somewhere and give the link for us to see him.

@
Yami Jay: Kira wants to tell
Athrun, but I think that the shock is something that can�t be overcome so
easily. So I wanted him to act more normally. I tend to look at a problem from
all aspects and then would I go and share it with my closest friends of my
mother, so I made Kira a bit like that. And in the series he was usually the
one to think a lot before acting, so I thought this is the thing he would have
done.

@
Kimi: I am glad you
understand. It means that I did my job well *proud mode*. And about Athrun�s
reaction when he finds out, read and find out (or RAFO, man I hate Robert
Jordan for that phrase)

@ no name yet:
Well, maternity shopping will wait for now. But he will need some clothes with
wider waistband, ne ; )?

@
Yumi: thanks. I am glad you
decided to review earlier. I love reviews. And I am so happy that you like it.
And about physics � I hate it. That was the one subject at school that I
couldn�t stand.
- 13
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Lonely Desire