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Lonely Desire	By : Petya Category: Gundam (all others) > General Views: 12076 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Gundam series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 14
- 15
- 16
Pairings: Athrun x Kira, minor Dearka x Yzak

Disclaimer: Don�t own Gundam SEED/Destiny, its
characters or the universe.

Warning: NC-17, but this chapter is pretty
safe.

Comment: Ok, I promised I would update shortly
and here is my favourite chapter. I really loved writing it and it went so
fluently. I hope you�ll like it.

Special thanks to: Mat and Chiaki for editing
the chapter.

Chapter FIFTEEN

White Lily

The morning sun was shining through the tree by
her window and lovely patterns shadowed the table as Cagalli enjoyed her tea
and newspaper. It was Sunday, so she had the day off and could sleep till noon
if she desired so, but the habit and the rays of the rising sun had kicked her
out of her bed quite early. She was just reading the latest gossip about her
life that were mostly as far from the truth as possible, when someone knocked
on the door of the apartment she occupied in the Residential Palace.
She looked at the big clock that hanged on the wall and wondered who would come
to seek her that early on her one day off.

One of the guards that were on duty went to
open the door and she heard Athrun�s voice in the foyer. She jumped to meet
him, a smile lightening her features but the serious face that greeted her
cooled her enthusiasm. He had been closing more and more in himself ever since
they came back from PLANT two weeks ago to find out that Kira had left the day
prior to their return. He had only left a note that he needed some time alone
to think and that they were not to look for him as he would come back as soon
as he solved the matter that bothered him.

�Good morning, Athrun. What brings you here so
early? Is there a problem or is this a visit of a friend?�

The blue-haired Coordinator came closer to her,
kissed her on both her cheeks and returned the greetings. �Morning, Princess.�
He then looked meaningfully at the two guards, standing a few steps away trying
to blend in the background and be invisible, and asked in a low voice. �Do you
think we can talk in private for a little?�

The Natural studied his face. The boy in front
of her obviously had something important he wanted to discuss so she nodded and
turned to the guards. �Guys, I have an urgent matter I need to sort out with
your superior here, so I�d ask you to leave us alone. He would take care of my
security in your absence, I�ll inform you before his departure and you�ll
resume your duty.�

The two men bowed and left the room. Cagalli
and Athrun remained in private, so she turned to him and asked �What is the
matter, Athrun? I know something�s been bothering you lately, but I�ve been
waiting for you to bring it up.�

Athrun took one of her elbows and led her to a
chair at the table she had just left. There were a few flowers and other
non-blooming plants that separated the table from the living-room and formed a
lovely corner for a calm relaxation, reading or dining. Then he moved one of
the other chairs, sat at the perpendicular side and turned his body and neck to
face her. They were one opposing the other and so close that their knees almost
touched. He shifted in his seat and started out of nowhere.

�Did you think about it?� He didn�t need to say
what he meant. He was sure the girl would know.

Cagalli bent her head and rested her chin on
her hands using the table to support her elbows. She thought a little and tried
to organize her sentences, knowing how important this was for her friend. He
waited patiently for her reply. When she was ready she lifted her head and
looked him straight in the eyes.

�I did. And I am sorry if I reacted a bit
inadequate the last time, but you took me by surprise. I never expected that
you and my brother�� She blushed slightly. It was still awkward to think of her
ex-boyfriend and her twin-brother as lovers, but she braced herself and
continued ��would become so�close.� She paused carefully choosing her words
�But if being together is what will make both of you happy, then by all means, I�ll
support you with all my heart��

Athrun reached for her hand and squeezed it to
show his gratitude. �Thank you, Cagalli.� She interrupted him.

�Wait, listen me up, I haven�t finished!� She
returned the squeeze. �I�ll support you, but so far I am not sure Kira loves
you back. You told me of your feelings and what is more, I witnessed the depth
of them myself during that horrible week when my brother was lying in the
hospital and we feared that he might�� Her voice cracked as she remembered all
the terror and fear that had plagued her during each second of that period.
Thank God, it was over. She hoped she would never have to go through something
like that again. It had been different during the war. Everyone had been given
choice and one knew the risks, but that had been worse and more unexpected. The
feeling of Athrun�s hands on her own snapped her back from the memories. �I am
not sure if this is good for you, Athrun. You know that you might end hurt
pretty badly if it turns out that Kira sees you as only a friend and that night
had been due to his fever, or a one-night stand��

�I know.� The emerald-eyed boy nodded absently
�but I have made my mind. I have to take the risk. This is my chance. You don�t
know how long I have been keeping this in my soul. How the feelings burnt under
the surface and threatened to explode. So now that you are aware of everything
I want you to know that I think of courting your brother. Openly! So if you
think this might present a problem� I don�t know with the media, or with your
image� I want to give you the opportunity to release me from my duties as your
personal bodyguard and an officer responsible for the security of the Palace.�

She kept looking at him as he talked and
admired the inner determination that streamed from him. He had really set his
mind on doing whatever necessary to win her brother�s heart and was absolutely
aware of the possible risks, yet he would try. She knew that Kira had a
girlfriend, even if no one knew the girl. Yet he was close to Athrun and cared
deeply for him. The possibility that somewhere deep inside Kira might love the
boy in front of her existed. But it was only a possibility�

�That is hardly a problem, Athrun. No one cares
for the gender of the person you love as far as you do your job fine and you
know it. If you refer to you being a former member of the ZAFT military forces
that is also unlikely to cause trouble, since here in ORB people are granted
the opportunity to start anew, no matter Coordinators or Naturals, as long as
they respect the rules and principles of the country. So I am behind you 100
%.� She looked at him and her eyes shone with determination. No one has the
right to mess personal life and national security or ruling of the country.
Besides her brother had nothing to do with the Council of the Emirs, so she
couldn�t see a problem if he and Athrun ended together. There would of course
be some rumours and insinuations but they were doomed to die as soon as the
next scandalous news hit the newscolumns.

But there were other things that she needed to
make sure the blue-haired boy understood. �You do realize that you might end
ruining the relationship between the two of you. What little of Kira you have
now might be gone forever if he turns you down or is unable to accept your feelings.�
The shadows in the emerald eyes replied to her question even before she heard
the words.

Athrun�s face was grim. �I do, Cagalli. Trust
me, I do.� The boy closed his eyes and buried a hand in his midnight-blue
locks. That was his greatest fear. That he might end up losing more than he
could afford� losing everything�, because Kira was the center of his universe.
His heart and soul. Without him, the Athrun that would exist would be nothing
more than an empty shell, void of soul or a will to live. But now, after he had
experienced the heavenly pleasure of loving Kira, holding him, feeling him
closer that anything else in his entire life, and not only in the physical
sense, because what they had shared went far beyond the physical, now he just
couldn�t go back. He ached inside for more. He woke up in the nights feeling
cold and alone in his bed. He craved the warm presence of Kira by his side. He
had screamed through nightmares of losing him.

Many times he had awaken covered in cold sweat
and with racing heart after seeing Kira dead in that hospital bed. Or torn into
countless pieces by a bomb planted by the Blue Cosmos, just like the one that
had killed those people on PLANT a few days back� He had relived again and
again that fateful battle when he had almost killed the one person that
represented life itself� ever since he had left for PLANT he had been restless,
missing Kira, but since he had returned his dreams had grown even more
troubled�

�But I need to do it. I have to try to win his
love.�

Cagalli was shocked to see how expressive
Athrun�s face had been a moment ago. He was usually good at controlling his
emotions but it seemed that when it came to his feelings for her brother he
lost his self-control. She remembered that one of the few times she had
witnessed him letting his feelings show, had been when he believed to having
killed Kira.

She had made up her mind. She would help him as
far as Kira didn�t end up hurt. It was a hard thing to choose between her close
friend and her brother, but the latter was just the tiniest bit more important
to her.

�I told you, you have my support. But tell me,
what do you plan? What are your objectives?�

He looked at her with gratitude and said �I�ll
start courting Kira openly and I�ll tell him I have discovered that my feeling
for him do deeper than friendship. I won�t shock him right away, telling him I
love him, but I�ll make sure he understands that I am interested in him as a
partner in a romantic relationship. I�ll try to end his relationship with that
Ai girl. You know, I think she is not good for him.� He remembered the phone
call he had overheard. It was true, the girl was beautiful but her character
didn�t seem to be the type for Kira.

�You don�t know her.� Cagalli tried to be
reasonable. She looked at him accusingly for talking like that. �You shouldn�t
judge her and what is more, you don�t how she and Kira behave in each other�s
presence. It might be painful for you, but consider the possibility that my
brother might be happy with her.� She didn�t really believe her own words
herself, but she felt she had to be honest.

�Whatever, I don�t want to talk about her.�
Athrun waved his hand in the air as if to chase away a bothersome fly. �So, the
way I am planning it, my ultimate goal is to marry your brother. I want to have
him for myself, in good and in bad, in health and in sickness� for as long as
we both breathe. I want to look in those crystal clear amethyst eyes of his and
say: �Marry me, share with me all the joys and sorrows this world has to
offer.� I want us to be together forever, Cagalli.� His voice rang with passion
and his hands held the blonde girl�s strongly. His whole face glowed as he said
the words he wanted to say to his beloved.

She was almost frightened by the strength and
depth of his feelings. But marriage�? At their age�? They were only 18 for
God�s sake. Wasn�t that a bit too early for such a grand step.

�Marriage�?� she didn�t realize she said the
word aloud. �This is too much! Are you sure, Athrun?�

�Of course I am sure, Cagalli! Especially now,
after the night we shared. We made love and that means a lot to me.� He paused
as pictures from that prefect morning flashed through his mind. He reached in
his pocket and retrieved a small box. As he opened it, the Natural girl gasped
in awe. Inside two matching wedding rings reflected the rays of light that were
coming through the window. They were simple and plain � no gemstones, nothing
frivolous, just three interweaving threads of white, yellow and red gold.

�You bought rings!� Cagalli couldn�t resist and
reached to take the rings to examine them. As the light played on the shining
surface of the matching golden items she noticed that one of them had something
engraved on its inside. She lifted it closer to her eyes to read the words.
They said �To Kira � friend, lover, soulmate.� Tears formed in her eyes. She
hadn�t realized Athrun�s feelings went that deep. She silently pleaded the gods
to let her meet someone who would love her as much as the Coordinator in front
of her loved her brother. Without a word she placed the rings in their velvet
bed and handed the box to the blue-haired boy. �They are beautiful, Athrun. I
hope that you�ll be able to use them soon.�

She sat in her place holding Athrun�s hands and
looking through the window at the wonderful weather outside. The boy was dreamy
probably seeing the moment when he would be able to ask Kira to marry him.
Cagalli saw some children, probably of the personnel that attended to the Residential Palace. They were chasing each other,
happily playing, their life untarnished by wars or everyday troubles. It dawned
to the girl that there was one more problem that Athrun probably never thought
of.

�Athrun, when you were engaged to Lacus, did
you talk about having kids?� He looked at her surprised at the sudden question.
He replied distractedly not giving it much thought.

�Well, yes. We were discussing it, but we had
agreed that we would wait. We both love kids but we wanted to mature a little
before we made that step.� His mind was still away and he didn�t realize what
she was trying to suggest.

�Athrun, you understand that kids are something
you�ll have to give up. Kira can�t give you children. And you should think
carefully this might be a small issue now, just a small crack on the surface,
but it might grow and create a rift that could end ruining your relationship.�
He looked at her as the realization slowly struck him.

�I don�t want kids.� He said determinedly.

Cagalli looked at him doubtfully. She didn�t
believe him completely.

�I don�t need kids.� He said more calmly. He
paused as he got used to the idea of never becoming a father. �Kira is more
than enough for me. Your and Lacus� kids will be ours too. Kira and I will give
them all the love and care we would have given ours. You�ll see how we will
spoil them.� He smiled at the idea of small feet tapping around him and
children shouting at him �Uncle Athrun�.

�OK, Athrun. You do want this and I am sure you
can make it happen. As I said a few times already you have my support. I am
sorry if I was a bit harsh, presenting all the possible problems that might
appear in front of you, but it is better if you know what you are going into.�
She smiled relieved and looked at the bright sun that promised a perfect day.
How long had it been since she hadn�t enjoyed some time to go out and stroll?
Her last peaceful day had been on that island. She crooked her head and
proposed to Athrun �Do you care for a small walk in the city?�

Kira entered the Palace. He smelled the single
white lily in his hands. He had bought it impulsively for he knew Athrun loved
it. It was still early in the morning on Sunday, so there weren�t a lot of
people around and he could walk without having to stop every now and then to
greet somebody. He turned down different corridors heading for Athrun�s rooms.
He had almost reached his destination when an excited voice echoed behind him.

�Ah, Kira-sama,� He recognized Mana�s voice and
turned to greet her. �You are back. Cagalli-sama and Athrun-sama have been so
worried about you.�

Kira smiled. �Yes, they had probably been, but
there were some matters that required my immediate attention. Now when I
managed to sort through them, I am here to see them and explain my absence.� He
turned to knock on Athrun�s door, but Mana stopped him.

�He is not here. Some time ago he went to
Cagalli-sama. You�ll be able to meet both of them. They are in her apartments.�

Kira mutely cursed. He wanted to see Athrun
first and talk to him in private, and only later after he had heard the news,
to go to his sister. Now he would have to do it in reversed order. �Thank you,
Mana� Well, so be it. He turned and headed in another direction leaving Mana
behind.

Kira knocked on the door and saw surprised that
nobody answered. He knocked again a bit stronger but still got nothing. Maybe
they are discussing something loudly� Knowing his sister�s behaviour that saw
not impossible, she did start yelling for nothing. He smiled at the image of
Cagalli shouting and attacking Athrun this early in the morning. He would have
to be careful not to get in between and end up with something thrown at his
head. It would be best if he surprised them. That way he might even save his
beloved�s ear-drums. He opened the door silently and walked in.

He could hear voices from the dining-room but
was still unable to make out words. He moved closer careful to be out of sight,
so that he could jump at them and startle them. He thought it again. What if
Athrun thought that was an attack and bolted at him. He decided to announce his
presence when he heard Athun�s words.

��Marry
me, share with me all the joys and sorrows this world has to offer.� I want us
to be together forever, Cagalli.�

Kira stood dead in his tracks. The flower in
his hands flew towards the floor and fell with a muted �thump�. That was impossible.
He must be hearing wrong. In no way on the Earth�s face would Athrun propose to
Cagalli. He had stated he didn�t love her so many times. �She is just a friend, a very close and important friend� those
were his words. How come he was proposing to her? There had to be some mistake.

�Marriage�?� He could hear the amusement in his sister�s
voice. So she never expected this. If she and Athrun were together that would
surprise her that much, would it? He is probably retelling some movie, or a
situation about other people. He made a step closer to see what they were
doing. Between the plants that separated the dining-room and the living-room he
saw them sitting at the table, holding their hands. His heart stopped beating,
at the view, but he kept telling himself that it was all a coincidence. �This is too much! Are you sure, Athrun?�

He waited holding his breath for the answer.
Then the next words hit him straight at the solar plexus leaving him
breathless�

�Of
course I am sure, Cagalli! Especially now, after the night we shared. We made
love and that means a lot to me.�

�� I am sure, Cagalli! Especially now, after
the night we shared. We made love and that means a lot to me.�

No! Kira�s heart exploded in his chest. His
mind went blank and the word echoed inside again and again, going stronger. He
froze. His guts clenched. His hands flew
to his mouth to keep his moans from erupting. It was impossible. This couldn�t
be. Yet he was witnessing it. What had happened that last month they had been
away? Had Athrun fallen for Cagalli again? Had he forgotten that night he had
shared with him � Kira? The amethyst eyes filled with tears that stated to
stream silently don his cheeks. He shook uncontrollably. Be bit his palm hoping
that the pain would help him recover. It didn�t. He finally succeeded to move
and stumbled back towards the door, his eyesight blurry from the tears, but he
didn�t care. All he cared for was to get out of that room as soon as possible.
And as silent as possible� He didn�t want anyone to witness his pain.
Especially not the couple that had just shattered his world�

�You
bought rings!�

Those words saw him off as he moved towards the
door and his doom.

He felt dizzy and sick and he leaned on the
wall beside the door he had just closed. He was away from those voices and the
words they carried. A wave of nausea sent him towards the staff-only rest room
that was nearby. He bent over the toilet and threw up all he had eaten in the
morning. He went to rinse his mouth and the face he saw in the mirror on the
wall behind the sinks terrified him. That was the face of a person who had lost
everything. And he had not! He still had his baby. Athrun�s baby. The life they
had created.

�Yes,
but now he will live with Cagalli and the two of you have no place there.� A voice in his head hissed.

�You have to fight, Kira! Will you lose a
battle that you have not even fought?� Came another voice. He held his head with both hands not sure which of
the voices was right. �Your baby needs his or her father.�

�Ha,
do you think he would believe you are pregnant, Kira! You are a guy. Guys don�t
get pregnant. You yourself had hard time believing it and you had all the
results from the examinations in front of you and you knew about the Ultimate
Coordinator project too.�

�Yet you have to try. For your sake and that of
the baby!�

�Yeah,
and if he believes you, would he want to have anything to do with a freak like
you?�

The voices were driving him crazy. He tried to
mute them and think. He loved Athrun and Athrun should have felt something too,
or he wouldn�t have written that message and wouldn�t have made love to him, or
cared for him at the hospital.

It was probably his � Kira�s � fault Athrun had
gone back to Cagalli. He had invented a girlfriend to keep his beloved away,
then he had run away after hearing that note. He had not said a word what they
had shared, thinking it had been a dream. And he had been gone when Athrun
returned from PLANT. Maybe Athrun had considered all that a rejection and
decided to move on.

Kira shook his head. He had lost a lot already.
What more could he lose if he went back and faced Athrun.

Only his dignity.

But did he need dignity if it kept him away
from his one true love?

No he didn�t. What he needed was his beloved by
his side.

The brunet splashed some water on his face and
headed back.

He opened the door and entered not bothering to
keep quiet, but not shouting too. Athrun and Cagalli were still in the dining
corner talking. Kira opened his mouth to make his presence known when Athrun
struck once more, this time breaking every ounce of reason and peace in Kira�s
soul�

�I
don�t want kids.�

No,� those words couldn�t be true. He didn�t
say them! �Tell me he didn�t�! His
hands went to his abdomen as if to protect the innocent life there from the
impact.

�I
don�t need kids.�

Kira felt he would collapse. The world around
him was falling to pieces. Just as his heart was� His head was spinning and his
eyesight was blurry from tears. His whole body was stiff and rigid. He didn�t
know how he found to strength to move but he felt his feet moving. Something
softly cracked under his feet and he blindly looked at the floor. There under
his feet was the now crushed white lily. His mind distantly registered the
sight and he remembered how carefully he had picked the flower among the
hundreds the shop offered. It didn�t matter now. He needed to get out of there.

The next thing he knew he was flying down the
corridors for the exit. He had to be away� as far as possible� Tears blurred
his vision and fell around him but he didn�t care. He was lucky not to meet a
lot of people on his way, and even those he passed didn�t dare interrupt him.

�I don�t want kids.�

�I don�t need kids.�

Those words rang in his mind. He stumbled but
regained his balance and continued to run. The sun blinded him as he went
outside. He continued to run, not caring where his feet were leading him. All
that mattered was to put as much distance as possible between himself and
Athrun and Cagalli.

Athrun was no longer his. He had lost everything.
No, not everything� There was one thing that gave him strength and courage. The
precious gift Athrun had presented him unintentionally. His baby. That was only
his baby now. The man he loved had defied the fragile life and it was up to
Kira now to take care of it. To protect him or her from everything, even from
the cruel father that had thrown it away.

He didn�t see or hear anything around him.

He didn�t hear the horn or see the car until it
was too late. He stood in the middle of the street frozen and unable to move as
the blue car moved closer. It was all in slow motion. The ever nearing car� The
loud ringing of the horn� the screams of the onlookers� the horror in the eyes
of the driver as he realized he wouldn�t be able to stop in time� The world turned
black and white� Kira closed his eyes�

He couldn�t move. He just stood there frozen
and waited for the impact as Athrun�s words echoed in his mind.

��Marry me, share with me all the joys and
sorrows this world has to offer.� I want us to be together forever, Cagalli.�

�Of course I am sure, Cagalli! Especially now,
after the night we shared. We made love and that means a lot to me.�

�I don�t want kids.�

�I don�t need kids.�

Kira felt something throwing him in the air and
then he hit the ground. Everything went blank and his mind left him�

A/N: Ok, I sincerely hope no one would hunt me
to kill me in my sleep for what I wrote and the huge cliffhanger I left at the
end of the chapter. But I am working on the next chapter and I�ll do my best to
update as soon as possible.

You see that I went for melodrama here. I don�t know if you find it a
bit (or even a lot) over the edge. I used to read a lot of romance novels and
to watch soap operas as well. This is probably the result. I am sorry, but I�ll
do my best not to get too deep in cheep drama.

Here I add a special info � a timeline of Kira�s pregnancy till the
accident.

Point 0 Day 14[*] � Kira gets pregnant
(chapter 8)

Day 15 � Kira falls in hibernation (3^rd
week, chapter 9)

Day 20 � Athrun has a nightmare and shakes
Kira (4^th week, chapter 10)

Day 21 � Kira wakes up (4^th week,
chapter 12)

Day 22 � Kira gets discharged from the
hospital (4^th week, chapter 12)

Day 25 � The gang (minus Kira) goes to
the PLANT (4^th week, chapter 12)

Day 40 � Kira calls Erica Simmons about his
fatigue (6^th week, chapter 12)

Day 50 � Kira finds out he�s pregnant (8^th
week, chapter 13)

Day 51 � Kira leaves for Malchio�s cottage and
the gang returns from PLANT (8^th week, chapter 14)

Day 63 � Kira overhears the conversation
between Cagalli and Athrun (9^th week, chapter 15)

[*] I make it Day 14, because the
pregnancy time is counted since the first day of the last menstruation (I know
Kira had none, but the main principle still applies), and since normally the
conception happens during the ovulation which is around day 14, that�s the day
I chose. A normal pregnancy lasts 10 lunar months, 280 days or 40 weeks.

@ M: Ok, did this disappoint you? Kira really
wanted to tell Athrun, to believe him but it was not meant to be.

@ Green Moonlight: Thank you. The chapter is
here.

@ mikyu: You dream about my fanfic, I am
flattered. And, no, no boobs for Kira! I�ll have it explained later in the
story, but so far there�s no one who can tell Kira more about his complex
organism.

@ Yami Jay: I know that 10 days were a lot,
but I wanted Kira to act normally. People don�t usually accept such shocking
news easily and Kira is the thinking type, so I gave him some time. Besides I
needed his pregnancy to advance to a certain point because of the chapter you
just read.

@ AsuKira: Cagalli did take a hard blow. I
wanted to develop her character a little, and I plan to develop Lacus� as well
in further chapters. And have not decided yet whether Kira should be called a
mother or a father. I wish there was a word for his case *sigh*.
- 14
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Lonely Desire