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All of My Hate	By : TristaML Category: Dragon Ball Z > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 7494 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball Z or any of it's characters and I do not make any money from writing this piece of fan fiction.

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Thank you Kit-Kit!
Woo,This chapter is exciting to me, I hope you guys like it- things are definitely moving along faster now, I hope I surprise you guys! I haven't had too much time to read Everyone's stories recently since so many people updated all at once- So happy about that- but now I should have some time after posting this! I thank you all for reading and I look forward to doing some reading of my own!
Enjoy
Chapter IIIII IIIII IIIII
::: Decade :::

Before Goku came back and Vegeta and his father became a “thing,” Gohan found time in his schedule almost every week for Vegeta, whether the other man found time for him or not. Sometimes Vegeta welcomed the company, and other times Gohan would annoy him as long as it took for him to give in and let him stay a while. Gohan would ask Vegeta all sorts of questions about his past and about his plans. Vegeta was careful about what he answered with, but sometimes he would slip up and, over time, reveal more than he might have wanted. Still, there was little innocence in these visits seeing as how Gohan took every opportunity he could to kiss Vegeta. Vegeta allowed such advances, but when Gohan tried taking it further, he never let him.

Gohan looked forward to his time with him, even if they weren’t alone. Sometimes Bulma would be there, insisting she spend her time with the Prince and he saw the connection between the Saiyan Prince and the rich woman unlike he’d ever see while around others. Vegeta admired her in body, soul, and mind and Gohan could tell their intimacy was genuine, even if it isn’t confined only to one another. Bulma knew she couldn’t tame him completely, and Gohan saw that she was okay with that. It made him happy, at the time, to know that they were so honest with one another. It made him want that same honesty in a relationship and from Vegeta, specifically.

Sometimes Trunks and Goten were there, too, and although Vegeta was tough on them, and too witty for their young minds, Gohan could see that he intended to be so, wanting the young men to grow up strong and knowledgeable. He called it “the hardening,” and Gohan realized that Piccolo and Goku both treated him in a similar way, although he never quite thought of it like that before, and certainly it wasn’t as serious as one of Vegeta’s “chats”. He learned through the boys more about Vegeta’s mannerisms as time went by, and some of what he really meant by the cruelty in his words, which weren’t half as harsh to bear anymore, as long as they weren’t directed at him.

Sometimes Gohan thought that Goku was there, like he was looking down on them. Then again, he often got that feeling when he was alone so maybe it was just his imagination. Still, the feeling was there sometimes, and Gohan would bring up his father, just to see what Vegeta would say.

The world stopped for him, then. He loved it when Vegeta talked about “Kakarot.” Those were the only times Vegeta ever showed any intimate emotion, aside from his cordial encounters with himself and Bulma, and, of course, whenever he felt like reciting a battle. It was the only time Gohan ever heard his voice quiver or watched as his lips seemed to purse like he had so much more to say about him. They were the only times he ever saw a warmth in his eyes and a smoothness in his handsome face.

One night they’d had a few drinks, and Gohan will never forget the speech that followed, seemingly unprovoked. Vegeta opened up out of nowhere and said, “Once you asked me if I ever thought about Kakarot,” he looked over at Gohan, “I think about him coming back every day, but I told you that whether or not he comes back will not depend on you. I should have said that it won’t depend on me, either.”

Gohan asked him, “Is that why you’re still here? To wait for him?”

“He’s why I came here,” he shrugged a little, and then added in a whisper, “but things changed so fast.”

“What do you mean?” Gohan asked, desperate for more.

Vegeta hesitated but answered, “I had a purpose once and it was taken from me. I took that tragedy and redirected myself. I used my pain. I focused all of my hate and it drove me towards the only thing I wished to accomplish. Killing Frieza. I wanted to kill him more than anything for so long, for many reasons of my own. I thought that bringing Kakarot into the picture would ensure that I would win the fight, but, to my shock, I was defeated. When I heard about the dragonballs, everything morphed and I had a new hope; immortality, which would ensure Frieza’s death, but I had a newly growing passion, too; your father. And then Kakarot was the one who killed Frieza!” Vegeta’s fist went into the air and he growled as his eyes lit up as though enflamed. For a moment Gohan held his breath, until Vegeta put his fist down and continued; “Now he’s not even here... I want to fight him yes, but, I want more than that. I want to talk to him. I want him to tell me about that fight with Frieza. I want him to tell me about the Earth and why he stayed here for so long. I want him to explain himself and just answer everything,” Vegeta swallowed hard and he shook his head. “I just want him to…”

“Be around?” Gohan added quietly and he hung his head as he whispered, “I want all of those things, too.” When Vegeta’s eyes turned towards him Gohan looked up into them and knew, that instant, that Vegeta loves Goku.

Vegeta looked away and replied, “I could never run out of things to say to him. If only he were here. But I know it will be just like before, and whenever he comes around, everything I thought of to say will just seem unnecessary and insignificant. All he does is smile and it makes me angry and confused…”

“And hurt…” Gohan added and felt then that he understands the true gravity of Vegeta’s love for his father. He burst into tears, unable to help himself. Vegeta understands! Vegeta knows how he hurts having his father gone, and for such selfish reasons. Vegeta knows how he longs to see him and that no matter the pain Goku’s caused him he’ll just keep on loving him anyways. Vegeta understands. He’s the only one who could ever understand. That’s when Gohan decided that his chasing after Vegeta was over. He’d found a friend in him, a true friend, but nothing more. Vegeta was right; he didn’t want to change their relationship in any way. Why had it taken him so long to understand?

Vegeta dried Gohan’s tears after the sobbing had died down to a manageable whimper with the gentle touch of his hand sweeping over both reddened cheeks. When Gohan looked up he saw the smallest smile on Vegeta lips, and he realized that Vegeta knew he’d finally figured out his secret.

It wasn’t until Goku’s return that Gohan realized Vegeta’s agony, the very reason he kept so much to himself: Goku would tease him and say he was interested and then eventually those feelings which came unto him so quickly would change back, and Vegeta would be left emptier than before from having had and then lost the best thing in his life. Gohan understood, Vegeta considered Kakarot to be “special,” but his pride would never allow him to admit it to Kakarot. He loves and hates him, both artificially and genuinely. He would rather have never had him at all than suffer not being able to keep him. So, with this belief he held on to so tightly, that Kakarot would only ever see him as he shows himself, and never really love him, he planned to ruin their chances of survival from the beginning, and blame simple matter-of-fact for their failed relationship.

Gohan understood. He felt that his father would never get the complexity of Vegeta’s passionate ways, and therefore never be the wiser to the situation, which is so similar to his own, where Goku doesn’t know just how he’s missed.

::: Monkey Business :::

The transformation they’d begun is now complete for both men, and they roared and stomped and growled and destroyed. Beams of bright light and power flew from their mouths. Pounding of chests and slashing of tails, taking out trees, frightening away any remaining wildlife.

Vegeta let the rush fill his being but ignorance would not reside in him. He turned to Kakarot after regaining control and spoke slowly in a deep and giant, booming voice, “Kakarot! Listen to me!”

The creature seemed to turn and glare with its back to Vegeta, but it said nothing, it only sniffed and growled.

“Come with me!” he roared, exuding his royal dominance, even in such a form, and he turned to lead the way.

Kakarot, however, uprooted a tree and threw it at him.

Battle ensued, the whole while Vegeta cried out Kakarot’s name in an attempt to get him to listen. Hills flattened and mountains crumbled and fell as the two giant monkeys rumbled. Vegeta smacked the other mammal, and shook him, until he heard a voice speaking and noticed he wasn’t being fought any longer.

“Ve-ge-ta,” it said slowly and the prince managed a primal smile on his animal face.

“Kakarot,” Vegeta said, the very wind around them vibrating from the immense sound of their voices.

Together they stood for a moment, until primal instincts took over and both Vegeta and Kakarot gave into unforgiving and uncontrollable lust and their actions became the very definition of animal sex.

In the morning they awoke with no clothes and little to no memory of what had happened the night before, though the smell and look of sex on their normal bodies was pretty obvious.

Goku held his head as he sat up groggily and asked, “What happened?”

“We transformed,” Vegeta grumbled, a little achy but over-all satisfied.

“Oh no! Jeremel!”

Vegeta growled with such ferocity that Goku immediately “eeped” and waited for him to say what was on his mind. He began, “You lied to me about being able to sense Jeremel!”

“Wait!” Goku threw his hands up, “Before we do this, what happened yesterday?”

“The same thing that happened the day before, except for once we didn’t need you!”

Goku looked shocked for a moment and then he asked, “What’s Jeremel trying to do? Distract us? He’s just… playing games! Vegeta, what are we gonna do?”

Vegeta couldn’t hide his concern as he answered, “First, tell me what you know! Everything! What happened to you last night?”

“I- I had a vision,” Goku replied, but he couldn’t tell Vegeta what he saw, he couldn’t. So he lied, “Jeremel was fighting and, I’m not sure what planet we were on, it looked like Earth, but-”

“Is that all?!” Vegeta asked angrily, dusting himself off as he stood up. “Why do you keep passing out?”

“I don’t know!” Goku grunted as he stood up himself, feeling a little wobbly. “Sometimes I try to read someone’s mind and it doesn’t work, and then I feel dizzy or angry.”

“Well maybe you should stop trying! You don’t know what you’re going to find out so there’s no use in attempting to find the information, you need to let it come to you,” Vegeta growled as he ran his hand through his hair.

“That’s a good idea, Vegeta,” Goku smiled, having never thought of it that way.

“Whatever,” Vegeta snorted as he turned his back to him. “Explain yourself,” he demanded, surveying the damaged land around them.

“Well, Vegeta, I think we could use a bath and I’m getting pretty hungry. We could find some water around here and-”

“No!” Vegeta refused and suddenly he turned around to Goku, and pointing his finger he said, “Why didn’t you tell me you could sense Jeremel? You put us all on and I actually believed you!”

“Because I don’t know how to defeat him yet, and I thought you’d rush into the fight if you knew.”

“You’re damn right!”

“Vegeta! Fusion may be the only way!”

“No! We could fight him in Oozaru form!”

Goku thought for a moment, he didn’t like that idea and he said, hoping to end it, “We need the moon.”

“No we don’t, remember,” Vegeta replied, “I can make the blutz waves whenever necessary and you need to learn to control that form regardless.”

Goku frowned, “That may be true, but it’s too risky right now, Vegeta, and we don’t have the time.”

“Oh,” Vegeta raised an eyebrow as he asked, “Is this information coming from another one of your visions? How much time do we have? What’s going to happen, Kakarot?”

Goku sighed. Vegeta was asking out of mockery, he didn’t really expect an answer.

Finally the older Saiyan spoke again after eyeing Goku closely and said, “What else have you kept from me?”

Goku answered, “What have you kept from me? Can you answer me that?”

The seriousness in Vegeta’s face as he thought on what to say was not lost on Goku, but all he answered with was, “I thought that this fight was over? You said you were done. I’m trying to focus on the real battle.”

Goku’s mouth went dry. All he could think of was a nervous reply and so he said, “I assumed that’s how you felt. I don’t want to waste your time or mine. I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“You assume a lot,” Vegeta answered, but did not give a positive or negative reply.

“Can’t you just talk to me? Tell me…”

“Tell you what?! Damn!” Vegeta swore, unable to open up to him in any way without a catalyst. What do these men want from him?

Goku snapped. Completely done with holding back he let it all out like an over-flowing damn as he began with, “About you and Raditz for starters! You dated my brother and you didn’t tell me about that! I killed him, is that why you were so mad at me?!” Vegeta began to speak but Kakarot went on louder, “You’re not being forward about Renji, either. Every time I turn around you’re alone with him and I know when you kiss because you smell like him. Why shouldn’t I have broken up with you? He’s obviously not willing to just let you go and you admitted you still care about him!” Vegeta tried to speak but Goku was still hollering, “And what about Gohan?! Were you ever going to tell me that you two kissed?! Why would you do that? Am I always going to be left out of your past and forced to learn things from someone else?”

“You don’t care what I have to say you just want to hear your own fears confirmed!” Vegeta growled, and his heart pounded as he came out with, “You were so quick to say it was over before! Now you want- what? Justification?! Well, Kakarot, things aren’t always what they seem! You never gave me a chance to tell my side and frankly I don’t give a damn about what you think!”

“I’ve asked you about your past a millions times.”

“Yes, but you never gave a second thought to it. In fact, you even told me I care too much about it and I let it get in my way. Now that you’ve had to deal with some of my demons, and met Amori, you suddenly want to know everything about me. Now my every mistake is being quantified so that you feel better about your decision not to be with me?! As though suddenly I’m not the same man I was two weeks ago. And this is the same man who wants me to fuse with him?!?!”

Goku’s heart might have stopped if he could be any more embarrassed and angry.

Vegeta went on to say, choking a little on his words, “Here we are, again, having a conversation I would have rather not had. There was a reason for my refusal to talk when you did ask me, at least, you should know that I certainly never intended to tell you any of it, and I never would have had you not somehow got the ability to read minds. Now, I feel like I have to tell you my secrets, since you want to learn them so badly anyways, once you figure out how to control this technique you would have found out on your own. I know you’re not as child-minded as everyone says you are; you have your own dark thoughts and quickness.”

What is the point in keeping it all in anymore, anyways? Vegeta thought. It will feel better to his mind and freewill, to know that he told Kakarot everything on his own. The end result will be the same as it already is. They’re not together, what does he have to lose? Amori was right, Vegeta knows he must learn to be honest with himself, and find some honor in his struggle, instead of resentment and self-pity.

Goku began to talk but Vegeta cut him off without delay and to his own surprise. He began in a disdainful voice, “Does it please you to know that Raditz and I never dated, that’s just what I let Renjiamori believe back then because I didn’t want him to know the truth.” Vegeta knew it was finally coming forth- an accuracy of his reality unlike he’s ever admitted before- and he couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t believe his own ears as he heard himself talking, but the words just kept pouring out, “The truth is your brother took advantage of me, Kakarot, and if you don’t know what that means then I suggest you look elsewhere for answers like you’ve been doing. I hated your brother but I was still close with him,” as he took a deep breath he saw horror cross Goku’s face and he despised having put it there. He didn’t know it was because Goku suddenly got visions he’d never be able to conjure on his own, and he understood Vegeta’s words far deeper than Vegeta thought he ever could.

Still Vegeta spoke to him, “As far as Renjiamori goes, you ought to have realized by now that if I wanted to be with him I could be, and could have always been. Yes, I care for him, and I’m grateful for him, and even glad to see him, but he knows that it’s over. He knew it before he even brought me to Nartal, he just didn’t want to believe it. He brought me there to see if he was wrong. Don’t you see that? He wished to finally settle our affairs between one another, because I never could. It was never going to work between us otherwise I could have never left in the first place. I could have gone back to him after Frieza was killed and you were gone for seven years, but I didn’t want to. And he knew that. I stayed and I waited. For what? I don’t know.

“And Gohan,” Vegeta chuckled, “Yes we kissed. So what? Gohan was confused and lustful and he didn’t know who to turn to. If you don’t like the idea of me having kissed your son, there’s nothing I can do about that, now, but it’s more innocent than you think. His father wasn’t around to talk to, and like myself with Raditz, he went to the next best thing he could while he had no one else. Unlike Raditz, though, I didn’t take advantage of him. I helped him get some experience while letting him keep his virtue. He’s better off for it. He realized on his own that he wasn’t really in love with me and that I never could have feelings like that for him.”

Goku felt light-headed and heavy-minded. He shouldn’t have read Goten and Trunks’ memories about having seen Gohan and Vegeta together intimately. He should have never been so-

“You honesty couldn’t just trust me, Kakarot, and give me the benefit of the doubt, and you expect me, now, to trust you and your judgement, when you’ve already lied to me once before? It was over before it had even begun, wasn’t it? You insisted, though, insisted that we change what little, confusing of a relationship we already had. I gave in. I gave you a chance, Kakarot. I always wanted it to work, even when I knew it wouldn’t. I must have thought for a fleeting moment that something might change, that somehow we’d understand one another, but we are just as different now as we were the day we met. We are the only two left with Saiyan blood, yet it’s like we come from two different worlds and I never really understood how that could be possible. I must have hoped you’d prove me wrong...” Vegeta blasted into the sky and was out of sight in an instant.

Goku fell to his hands and knees and roared but he could not weep.

::: Handful :::

Goten and Trunks fell fast asleep at Caspule Corp. after waiting up for their fathers to return. Their keen senses left them feeling the world shaking half-way across the globe and they wondered at the immense power the Saiyan race once had that they’d never even known about.

Gohan asked Renjiamori and Piccolo to stay with him and talk for a while, but they were interrupted by Bulma, who said that another call had come in, and that Huntre was closer than he thought, and would be arriving the next day.

Renjiamori frowned and said as Bulma left the room, “Not to sound like Goku or anything but I can’t imagine the difference he’ll make in being here.”

“Isn’t he the man who brought Vegeta the news about Nartal?” Piccolo asked, “How do we know we can trust him if Jeremel’s the one who sent him?”

“I sent him,” Amori replied. “I don’t think he would have apologized to Vegeta like that if he didn’t mean it sincerely. They have a history.”

“Oh,” Gohan answered, “That makes sense. You sent him out here because it would seem more real to Vegeta than just any old servant.”

“Yes,” Amori smiled. He became more and more enamored with his intelligence every time they spoke.

Piccolo pointed out, rather seriously, not liking the scene before him, “I don’t see it making a difference, either. Which brings me to ask you something, Renji: What’s your deal in this? You don’t have to be here.”

Amori smiled, still, and answered, “I’ve watched one tyrant take over too many peaceful planets, and I’ve stood on both sides of the fight. I like this side better. There will be no peace if good men do nothing. My only hope is that Huntre comes bearing good news in his research since we last spoke.”

Gohan nodded, but his thoughts wouldn’t slow down, speaking to Amori gave him hope. He added, “What we need to do is figure out what Jeremel’s plan is. There has to be a reason he’s been sparing us.”

“Maybe he’s just bluffing,” Piccolo shrugged, “and every time he lets out that giant blast he’s losing more energy than he wants us to know.”

Renjiamori thought on it but replied negatively, “I’m afraid it takes less power than what he’s displayed to destroy a planet, even one of this size. Maybe it’s a distraction.”

“From what, though?” Gohan wondered, “If he’s taking his aggression out on Vegeta by destroying the things that he loves, well,” he laughed, “there aren’t many things to destroy.”

Amori smirked, but added solemnly, “Maybe his design is to give us a sense of false hope, to make the loss that much greater if we fail.”

“Hmm,” Piccolo interrupted, again, “So you think this is all targeted towards Vegeta?”

“Jeremel gave a speech back on Nartal before this all started and it was pretty clear in it that his anger is directed towards the Prince and his father, but I do not pretend to know the depths or direction of his true desires.”

Piccolo thought for a moment but before he could speak, Amori added, “I already told Goku that I thought taking Vegeta out of the fight might help the situation, or hinder it, I’m not sure. If we can get Jeremel to focus on Goku than maybe we can scatter his thoughts and keep whatever plan he does have from happening.”

“Maybe,” Piccolo replied, “Or maybe taking Vegeta out of the equation will only cause Jeremel to focus on him alone, and if he does defeat Vegeta… I don’t want to think about what might happen. Goku’s powerful, yes, but…”

“You don’t think he can do it, Piccolo?” Gohan asked, surprised.

“It’s not that.”

Amori chimed in, “You think it would have an ill-effect on Goku?”

Piccolo nodded and said, “I think that Goku can defeat Jeremel, but he needs to focus, and if anything happened to Vegeta he’ll lose whatever concentration he has left. I don’t even understand why those two are fighting so much anyways.”

Amori didn’t respond but Gohan did, and he said, laughing a little “Piccolo, you act like this is something new. They fight all the time. They always have. Just because they have feelings for each other doesn’t mean that their personalities are going to change.”

Amori thought very hard on Gohan’s words and Piccolo contemplated them, as well. Finally, Amori asked, “Why do they fight?”

Piccolo watched Amori’s face as he listened to Gohan’s answer. Gohan smiled and said, “I think they fight because they don’t know how else to communicate. My dad is so care free, even when there’s trouble, and Vegeta is so stubborn and absorbed, even when there’s no reason to be. So when they come together neither of them can find common ground, especially around us, and they fight because of it. I think that it’s all a game, a game they play because they’re afraid of being serious. I think my dad really cares more than he lets on and that Vegeta wants nothing more than to just spend time with him, but you never hear either of them admitting that. They haven’t even come out that they’re together.”

Amori replied, “I see. I think I understand.”

“What do you understand?” Piccolo asked, again, not trying to sound too interested. Honestly he couldn’t help his shock at how in depth Gohan’s depiction of their relationship was. It made sense! When did he come up with that conclusion? Piccolo began to feel like he missed Gohan coming into full maturity.

“Well, I may not know Goku very well, but I know Vegeta,” Amori interrupted Piccolo’s thoughts, and he said, “Vegeta’s doesn’t want to say he’s in a relationship because he doesn’t want to explain why it ended. Not even to himself. If he didn’t care about Goku, it wouldn’t matter so much, but since he does, losing him would only hurt more with everyone asking why it didn’t work. Trust me, if Vegeta didn’t want to be with him, he would have just ended it long ago. Why? Because it didn’t mean anything. Obviously it does. As far as how Goku feels, from my understanding, he takes Vegeta for the surface meaning of what he says and not what he does. He’s taking him too seriously. He listens to every word and hangs on to it, instead of trying to understand why he’s saying it.”

Piccolo began to become nervous with all this talk about emotion stuff. He just didn’t get it, at least, not completely. He said, on a lighter note, “Well, if you two can understand it, then why can’t they?”

Amori looked Piccolo dead in the eyes as he answered, “The certainty we may find in our hearts about such things may take a little time to reside in the hearts of others, though that does not make our certainties less true.”

Gohan felt so inspired by his words. He spoke in the most beautiful paradigms. Suddenly Gohan added, speaking from his own lightened heart, “They’ll figure it out. I know they will,” and he was staring at Amori in what Piccolo thought was a strange way.

The Namekian quickly spoke again, “What do we do in the mean time?” he asked desperately as he looked into the high moon. Neither man around him responded. They were both lost in their own worlds, so close, yet so far.
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All of My Hate