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Lonely Desire	By : Petya Category: Gundam (all others) > General Views: 12083 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Gundam series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 16
- 17
- 18
Pairings: Athrun
x Kira, some minor Dearka x Yzak

Disclaimer: Don�t
own Gundam SEED / Destiny, only borrowing the characters and the universe for
this fic.

Warning: NC-17,
but this chapter is safe. Some
Kira and Athrun torture on my side.

Comments: Here it
is, the next chapter. I am sorry, but it is likely I�ll continue to take a lot
of time to update, at least until Jan 26th, when is my last
exam.

Special thanks to: Mat for the editing. You know who�s guilty for any mistakes found,
don�t you ;-)

And not to forget: 新年明けまして
おめでとうございます or Happy New Year!

I was hoping to
post this chapter as a New Year�s present for all of you who read, but I didn�t
finish it on time. Anyway, I hope the New Year would be everything you what it
to be and even better.

Chapter SEVENTEEN

New Hopes

Cagalli stared at the
door that Athrun had closed behind himself. The enormity of what had been
presented to her was such that she just couldn�t accept it. She had managed to
remain calm and composed for only one reason. She had detached herself and it
had felt as if she had been a silent observer from the outside. But now that
observer was back inside her and the painful comprehension was sinking in.

Her legs trembled and
she unsteadily walked to the chair in front of the computer and sat on it. Her
eyes looked at the screen but in reality saw nothing.

As if on their own
accord her hands reached for the mouse and she replayed the simultaneous
records that had remained on the hard drive even though Athrun had taken away
the originals. She stared at Kira�s actions and tries to find any clue to what
had happened, what had made him run away without making his presence known. It
was much more painful to watch now that the comfortable detachment was no
longer protecting her from the pain.

She registered every
expression on Kira�s face, every gesture and shift of his body, but as she
evaluated what she saw, she could only make one conclusion. And she was afraid
it was the same Athrun had probably made the first time he had seen her brother�s
reactions. Kira had rejected him, what was more, he
seemed to be either terrified or disgusted at the very idea that Athrun loved
him. Her heart was splitting.

On the one hand her
brother was more than just her flesh and blood, he had been a friend and she
didn�t want him to suffer, on the other she cared deeply for Athrun and his
pain also hurt her. And she was in the middle, unable to decide which one she
should support. Where should her loyalty lie? Which one needed her the most?
And most importantly, what should be done to ease the aftereffects of the
event.

And deep there in her
heart she couldn�t shake away the feeling that both she and Athrun had somehow
hurt Kira. She paused the player and stared at her brother�s face just before
he left her room for the second and final time � there was that expression of
betrayal that made her flinch with the distant feeling that there was something
that she was missing, something of great importance� The very something that had made Kira�s face that
of a person, who had just been backstabbed by the one he had trusted the most.

It was not time to
think about herself now, and as much as is pained her to admit, it was not even
time to think of Kira, who had chosen to run away and about whom she could do
nothing at the moment, it was Athrun that was there and that needed support.
She had never seen him so broken and fragile, not even after his father�s last
words that had shattered his world leaving him floating in the nothing. Maybe
that time the fact that he had somehow expected the pain and rejection had
preserved him, but today he had been so enthusiastic about his feelings for her
brother and the blow had been too sudden and painful to bear. He needed help
and it was her obligation as his friend to give him all the support she could
provide. She would deal with her mixed emotions later.

She reached for the
phone and dialed�

Kira
couldn�t think of anything but one thing. His baby� something was wrong with
his baby�

Rey watched the boy
next to him wincing in pain and wondered what he should do. On the one hand
Kira Yamato had vehemently refused medical treatment and on the other his
orders were quite clear � he had to make sure not a hair fell from the boy�s
head. He had no idea what was wrong with the brunet, but if he had to make a
guess he would go for some intraabdominal rupture or
bleeding. And if that was the case urgent medical care was the only option.

Kira pressed his
hands to his midriff and concentrated his whole being as if his will could
reduce the pains or make the source of them disappear. And in a few moments it
seemed to work. His insides eased and he could breathe once again. Hoping
against hope that everything was just an accidental occurrence that wouldn�t
repeat itself Kira smiled at Rey, though he couldn�t see just how crooked and
unnatural the smile turned out to be.

�I am fine, Rey-kun,
don�t worry. Please take me to my home. I am really sorry, that I am giving you
such troubles.� He smiled again and pretended that nothing had happened.

Rey couldn�t do
anything but nod and drive ahead.

Kira sat in the seat
and wished that everything would turn out to be fine. Once he got home he would
call Erica-sensei and ask her to come over and see what was wrong with him.
With each passing minute he calmed down a bit more confident that the cramps in
his abdomen had indeed been some accidental occurrence, but no sooner the
thought passed his mind and the pains started all over. And if possible they
became even stronger and more distressing. He tried to reach into his pocket
for his mobile phone in order to call Erica Simmons � he didn�t care if Rey
overheard anything, his baby was in danger and that was all that mattered at
the moment � but his fingers couldn�t get a decent hold of the object and it
ended falling on the floor of the car.

As soon as Rey heard
and saw Kira folding into two again he pulled the car out of the road and
stopped. Then his attention undivided was all transferred to the suffering male
in the seat beside him.

�Kira-san, please let me call for an ambulance. You are obviously
in an urgent need of medical attention.� The long-haired blond boy extended his
arm to touch the other youth�s shoulder but the latter flinched and started to
shake his head vigorously. It was clear his teeth were clenched and he couldn�t
utter a single word.

Yet he was proven
wrong. Kira spoke, though his words came painfully and in intervals as he
panted. �The phone�� a moan escaped his lips and he jerked
his head, indicating the small object that lay on the floor in front of him. �The
numbers in the memory�� he wetted his lips and his hands gripped his stomach
even tighter �Erica Simmons� tell her� where� here��
he couldn�t utter a whole sentence and he just tried to get his point across
with as few words as possible.

Another painful
tightening in his abdomen sent jolts of pain throughout his nerves and he
couldn�t sustain his moan. And then Kira felt something sticky and wet oozing
down his rectum and his eyes popped out of their orbits. His skin paled and he
started to shiver in horror. It couldn�t be. It just couldn�t happen to him.
The Gods couldn�t be that cruel. They had taken Athrun away from him, why did
they want to leave him with nothing?

�Iie.� [No!] He didn�t realize he
had cried it out loud. But he wouldn�t have cared even if he did. He didn�t
need to see what was dripping from his backside to know that it was blood. The
same blood with which the life of his unborn child slowly trickled away� His
mind tried to come up with something to do. Every bit of distressing
information concerning pregnancies and miscarriages that had ever reached him
now surfaced and the horrifying pictures that played in front of his inner eye
made him even more panicked.

Rey watched the boy
tremble and shiver and the terror that filled the beautiful amethyst orbs made
him fear that the boy was dying. �Kira-san!� He
shouted, but got no reply. He shook the boy and shouted his name again and
again until the eyes cleared a little. �You need help. Urgently!�

Kira�s mind cleared
enough to organize the only thought of importance at the moment. �The phone��
he muttered again through gritted teeth �Erica Simmons�� a sharp intake of
breath interrupted him but he clenched his fists as they gripped his sides, if
he had nails they would have been piercing through the skin of his palms, and
continued. �Tell her� bleeding� losing it� need her� here�� His consciousness
couldn�t stand the torture he was undergoing and mercifully slipped away.

Rey stood still for
what seemed like an eon though it was really no more than a few seconds. So
Kira Yamato wanted � no insisted � that he be examined only by the doctor that
had treated him some time ago. Rey was confused. How was he to act? He cast a
long and curious glance at the collapsed boy beside him and reached for the
mobile phone in his feet. He held the small silver-coloured
device and placed it aside grabbing his own from his pocket instead. He dialed
the number of his boss and waited for him to pick up.

�What is it, Rey?�
came from the other side of the line as soon as the phone was picked up.

�Sir,� he paused
unsure how exactly to explain what had happened for the last hour or so of his
shift. �The object, sir! He was almost hit by a car��

�What?� Rey removed
the mobile from his ear and stared at it as if it would bite him. It was the
first time his commander lost his nerves like that � at least in his presence.
He carefully put the phone back to his ear and hastily added.

�I saved him,
Commander, but now he is in my car � there�s no time for explanation how he
ended here � and he passed out. First he had some spasms in the abdominal area
and then he passed out.� Rey paused for a second waiting for questions but
heard nothing but the rather nervous and uneven breathing of the person on the
other side of the line, so he continued. �He refused any medical treatment I
offered � and I did so on several occasions � insisting everything was fine.
But then before he passed out he asked me to call Erica Simmons. I allowed
myself the liberty of calling you first to hear your opinion.�

Gilbert Dullindal � the person that Rey was talking to � pondered
on the idea of ordering the boy being delivered to him the very instant, but he
feared that the possible abortion that was probably threatening his plans might
be even more probable if the boy got stressed by the abduction. And he couldn�t
risk the baby�s health by putting his male mother under anesthetics. It was
still too soon. He had waited for years, he could wait
for a few more months.

All these thoughts
flashed through his mind so fast that there was almost no pause before he
ordered �Follow his instructions. If necessary drive him to any point that
Erica Simmons tells you. Make everything within your powers to get him to her
as soon as possible.� And with that he cut the connection.

Rey didn�t hesitate
further, If Commander Dullindal said to do something
he did it, it was as simple as that. He opened the silver mobile phone and
checked the memorized contacts until he found the one he needed. He pressed the
dial button and waited for the woman to pick up.

�Kira-kun, what is
it?� came her voice that sounded very nice and welcoming through the receiver.

�I am sorry, this is
not Kira Yamato. I am Rey � a friend of Kira�s. He asked me to call you. He
almost got run over by a car and later he got some abdominal pains, which
caused him to lose consciousness. But just before that he told me to call you
and to tell you � the following are his exact words � �bleeding� losing it� need her� here���

The woman on the
other side gasped in shock, though he couldn�t understand why both she and his
commander had reacted so strongly. If
anyone asked him, he could have told him or her that the boy obviously had some
internal injury. But those were overreacting a bit. However the doctor composed
herself and quickly asked �Where are you?�

�In
my car. I parked by the road, we are currently at�� Rey started to explain their
location.

�OK, describe your
car!� She was now giving orders with the same type of voice as that of his
commander and the blonde unconsciously straightened and replied curtly. �Then
you start driving down Eternal
Avenue and turn into Memorial Lane. I�ll get an ambulance and
will head towards you. If you see an ambulance that flashes at you stop
immediately and wait for us. Don�t move Kira-kun and don�t let him move if he
wakes up. Is that clear?�

�Yes,
madam!� He would have probably saluted if he didn�t have the mobile in his right
hand. The signal that she had cut the line snapped him back and he started the
engine of the car, then headed as fast as he could in the direction he was
ordered.

Erica Simmons was
used to making decisions under stress and pressured by timelines both as a
doctor and as a military officer, so she didn�t lose priceless seconds
wondering what needed to be done. Her mind instantly organized all tasks in
order of importance and succession. She had feared that something of the kind
might occur so she had long since taken measures that now eased her task and
saved time. There was only one thing that she needed and that she had not dared
act upon in advance.

She needed assistance
and she couldn�t trust that the hospital workers would be able to keep their
mouths shut, not when it came to someone as close to the Princess, even if they
didn�t really know how close exactly. Yet the fact was, she couldn�t help on
her own, she needed at least another pair of hands to aid her.

She called the one
person she considered deserving of the honour to be
entrusted with a secret of such magnitude.

�Hello, Okina Raniya speaking!� came from
the other side of the line.

�Raniya-san,
it is Erica Simmons, I need your assistance urgently and what is more �
discretely! Can you get ready in less than five minutes?�

The woman on the
other side hesitated for less than a second, knowing that her friend would not
ask her such questions if it was not important. �I can!� She didn�t need to say
more. In the years before she had retired from her job as a doctor, she had
been both a mentor and a friend to the young and still inexperienced at that
time woman.

�Fine, thank you!
I�ll pick you up in five minutes! I�ll give you a brief explanation on the way!
Till soon!�

Erica Simmons hung up
the phone and went to a side hangar to the hospital that was built for military
purposes and was restricted for access by civilians. Almost no one came here
now, and even if someone did, there was always an ambulance ready in cases of
emergency, so no one would have deemed anything was amiss. There she had hidden
what she had prepared in case this tragic occurrence presented itself. There
was an ambulance with all the necessary medicines and installations that could
give maximum chance of survival to both Kira and his unborn child. The problem
was that she couldn�t evaluate just how much this maximum was in percentage.

Athrun entered his
apartment and slammed shut the door with his foot, not caring about the noise.
Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing�

He stood still, his
back facing the door and his hands holding the evidence of his shattered
dreams. How had this day begun and how was it bound to end?

He had been insecure
of what Cagalli�s decision would be, then he had been ecstatic that he could at
long last speak openly and confess his love to Kira and then had come Lacus�
call, Yukiko�s question and finally the records. And it was not even noon yet�
He dreaded what more nightmares could befall him. Not that they could break him
further than he had already been. He had received such a blow when he saw Kira
throw up at the discovery that Athrun was in love with him and had made love to
him.

Was he that
disgusting or was it that Kira just couldn�t stand the sheer idea of being
intimate with a man. Or was it that he couldn�t stand the idea of being
intimate with Athrun?

Did it really matter
anyway? In the end the result was all the same. He had lost. He had lost before
he even had the chance to tell Kira in the eyes that he loved him, adored the
ground he walked on and got intoxicated by the air he breathed.

He locked the door
shutting the outside world away, stepped into his bedroom and crawled on the
bed still holding the disks in his hands. He dropped them on the cover and sat
drawing his knees up close and embracing them resting his chin on them. He
started to rock back and forth unaware that he looked like someone on the verge
of breaking apart � pale, his eyes shut with tears forming in the corners and
his body trembling uncontrollably.

In his mind�s eye he
saw Kira�s happy face turn to a mask of horror. His eyes
watering and the tears streaming down the tender cheeks, then him running
towards the restroom to throw up. And his comeback that was cut short by
whatever shocked him even further and his stumbled run towards safety or away
from the terror he � Athrun � presented.

The blue-haired boy
didn�t feel the silent tears that streaked down his face and fell on his now
damp trousers. He didn�t feel the pain from his short nails being dug in his
palms. Time flew by but he was completely unaware of it. In his catatonic state
time was an irrelevant variable. It was there for the others, but for him it
just slipped around leaving him out.

It was of no
importance. Everything was unimportant. He was dead. Dead inside, dead where it
mattered the most � in his heart. And dead people
didn�t get affected by time or pain or tears. They were dead. Just like he was.

That was what his
friends encountered when they broke into his apartment an hour after he had
left Cagalli filled with worries for him and her brother.

Okina Raniya
� a petite woman with dark brown hair and hazel green eyes � was at her
doorstep ready to be picked up. It had taken her less than five minutes, and
now she stood and stared at the large hospital that was clearly visible a few
blocks away. When she had found out that she would never be able to have
children, she had been devastated. What kind of a woman would she be if she
couldn�t bear children, she was useless that were the words her former husband
had used when he dumped her after it was confirmed that she would never become
a mother. She had been depressed and broken for a long time until she decided
that if she couldn�t have children, she would make sure those who could, would
be able to enjoy healthy and normal children. With that dedication she gave all
her love and conviction to medicine. Now thirty-seven years later, at the age
of sixty-six, even though she had retired two years back, she still loved her
profession and worked at the hospital if they needed a temporary fill-in for
someone who for some reason couldn�t come to work.

She was happy with
her life, she had adopted a Coordinator boy, whose parents had been killed in a
Blue Cosmos attack, but now that he had grown up and had his own life, she
lived mostly alone, but not lonely in her small house.

An ambulance turned
in her street and she readied herself. She jumped in and Erica Simmons hit the
gas.

�So fill me in,
Erica!� Were the first words Raniya said as she
fastened the seatbelt and made herself comfortable in the vehicle.

Not taking her eyes
off the road and driving at maximum speed, Erica started to lay briefly out the
big picture.

�First, I need your
word that whatever you hear or witness will never be commented by you with
anyone beside me and the patient. Trust me, I know you are discreet, but this
is important.�

�If you need my word,
you have it.� was the curt reply. The dark-hired woman stared to worry. It was
not typical for her younger friend to be so secretive and to see her driving
the ambulance instead of having a driver, which would allow her to concentrate
on the patient, that clearly pointed to a strange, if not even a unique,
situation. �Now tell me about the patient! I guess that it is about a
high-status woman, who is threatened to have an abortion or?�

Erica Simmons sighed
and started. �You are partially right, the person is of high-status and is
probably threatened by an abortion, but the mother, if I can use this word at
all, is male.� Sharp intake of breath was all the answer she got. The older
woman didn�t interrupt her. �The patient is 18-year-old male Coordinator, in the
end of the 9^th week of his pregnancy. I don�t know what his current
condition is, but I got a call that he is bleeding. Otherwise he is absolutely
healthy, as could be expected by a Coordinator. From what I�ve been told he is
a product of experiments, which explains to some extent his ability to have
children.� The other woman just nodded at the additional information. �I would
request I place him under your care and if possible in your house. I have all
the installations that might be needed but the fact is that I just can�t hide
him in the hospital and with a husband and two children I can�t take him home
either. So, would you take him?�

�To tell you the
truth this is a case that is far too interesting to refuse, and besides there�s
a baby�s life that is in danger. I will take him in and I�ll do my best for him
and his baby.�

All the while the
Coordinator woman didn�t stop to look for the car that Kira should be in. And
then she noticed a car that matched the description that she had. She flashed
the lights and honked just in case. The car stopped immediately, which
confirmed her suspicion that it was indeed the one she was looking for.

�One last thing,�
added Erica Simmons as she halted the car, �he is a SEED!� Raniya
hummed, acknowledging the last piece of information and the two women exited
the ambulance and headed for the car where their patient awaited their help.

Rey drove down the
roads with maximum speed, yet trying his best not to shake the car too much
when he needed to change direction. The boy next to him had been unconscious
for five minutes already. He didn�t dare judge whether that was a bad sign or
meant nothing. As he watched the peaceful expression that adorned the
femininely beautiful features, he felt a jolt of pity fill him. The boy was not
a friend to him, not even a close enough acquaintance to make it explainable,
yet somehow he found that he cared for his well-being. That was just the human
inside him feeling bad at the sight of another person suffering. He hoped the
boy would be alright and for the first time he wished him to be alright not
because that was what his Commander wanted and not because that would make his
job easier, but just because that would mean the brunet would not be ffeling pain anymore.

Then the boy stirred
and a moan escaped his lips as the cloud of haziness started to lift from his
confused mind. His eyes fluttered open and the pain in his midriff immediately
reminded him that his baby�s life was in danger. This chased away the fog in
his mind in no time. He diverted his worried gaze to the boy behind the wheel
and asked:

�Did you call Erica
Simmons?� Him hands were clenched in fists as he fought both the pain that
clenched his insides and the terror that threatened to drive him insane. He
kept telling himself that he needed to remain calm and think positively, but it
proved rather impossible under the circumstances.

�Yes. She is heading
towards us as we speak.� Rey hastily replied and extended his arm to prevent
Kira from moving. �She asked that you remained immobile, Kira-san. Please don�t
move.�

The amethyst-eyed
Coordinator nodded tiredly and just leaned back in the seat. Not that he had
any desire on strength to move anyway. His forces were all concentrated on the
small life inside him that was fighting the most important battle � that for
his life. The pain was now constant and on the verge of being bearable, but not
its intensity, but rather the simple fact that he felt it, as well as the
oozing of blood through his rectum, spoke more than enough � he was facing the
painful, yet real, possibility of losing his baby and the only thread that
connected him to life and sanity.

Kira stared through
the windshield not really aware where he was being driven to and suddenly his
mind concentrated on this information in a desperate attempt to distract
himself from the terrible thoughts that otherwise filled him.

�Rey-kun, where are we
heading to?� Just as those words exited his mouth an ambulance that flew
towards them flashed its lights and honked at which the blond boy suddenly
decelerated and halted at the bank.

�Here she is, hold
on, Kira-san! This should be Erica Simmons-san! I hope she would be able to
help you.�

Kira sighed in
relief. This was good, Erica-sensei should be able to
save his baby. He relaxed and a weak smile almost formed on his face as he
heard her voice calling his name.

�What is it,
Cagalli?�

That was the first
question, that the Princess heard as the three Coordinators she had called to
help her with Athrun�s case entered her apartment. They didn�t even bother with
greetings. Her voice and face on the vid-phone had
been expressive enough and they had guessed something was wrong even before she
had asked them to come over to her place as soon as they could. Neither Lacus,
nor Dearka or Yzak questioned her summoning. They could recognize an emergency
at a glance. And it had taken them less then a half of an hour to come to her.
It was a pure coincidence that they had happened to come at the same time.

The question was
asked by Lacus. Her usually calm features now bore the expression of a person
who knew things were bad and could turn to worse. Her instinct told her so. She
had felt this strange pang in her soul ever since the very moment she had
realized something was amiss with Kira.

Dearka and Yzak
silently turned their attentions to the blond girl and waited for her answer.

�Something happened
between Kira and Athrun!� came the rather hesitant
reply. �I am not sure how am I supposed to explain to you something I myself
can�t understand completely, but I�ll try to mention at least the highlights.�

She extended her arm
and gestured to her friends to take a seat. Lacus sat gracefully in one of the
armchairs, while Yzak and Dearka took seats on the sofa but they were barely
sitting on the very edge, tense and ready to jump at the smallest sign, �Kira
is back.� Cagalli decided that this would be a good beginning and it was just
easier if she started on the story chronologically. �Or more, he should be
back, because he had come to the Palace with the intention to talk to Athrun,
but as it turned out he didn�t.� She paused to gather her thoughts and
interlaced her hands in her lap to stop her fingers from trembling. She fixed
her gaze on her pale hands not looking at the people she was talking to. �He, I
mean Athrun, was here at that moment, we had a few issues to clear out. As I
found out from Mana some minutes ago, she had
directed my brother towards this place, but even though we � that�s Athrun and
me � know he came here, he never announced his presence. And this is where the
real problems begin.�

Cagalli lifted her
eyes and watched the three Coordinators that faced her and patiently in Lacus�
and Dearka�s cases and not so patiently in Yzak�s, waited for her to make her
point.

�Kira had been here,
heard or seen something that he didn�t like and had left the Palace without any
attempt to talk to any of us. We found out thanks to a servant girl and the
security cameras. So in short, Athrun is now devastated by Kira�s reaction and
I think he might need our support.� She stopped and looked expectantly at the
others.

Lacus seemed
perplexed, while Yzak and Dearka exchanged meaningful glances. They wondered
did the Princess realize how incomplete and confusing her explanation had
sounded.

�Let�s go see
Athrun!� said the platinum-haired Coordinator, bolted from the sofa and headed
for the door, his impatience and not very well concealed concern taking the
better of him. Dearka didn�t bulge, quite used to his partner�s antics and just
snapped his hand and held the boy�s wrist stopping him from acting impulsively.

�Think reasonably,
Yzak! We need to know more!� He said calmly and his lover made an angry face
ready to argue, but the blonde Coordinator ignored him and turned to Cagalli
instead. �Do you have the camera records now? Can you show them to us?�

The girl looked at
him and nodded. �They are on the hard-drive of my computer.� The three
Coordinators moved closer to the computer ready to see what had been the cause
of Kira�s aggravation. The Natural browsed the folders and selected the files
playing them simultaneously the way she and Athrun had watched them earlier.

�This is where Kira
came in� she put in as they came to the moment when Kira entered her apartment.
�We were just��

�Don�t!� came Dearka�s sudden interruption. �Let us see for
ourselves!�

Cagalli opened her
mouth to ask why she had been cut off so suddenly when she only wanted to make
things clearer, but decided against it and just kept silence. Lacus� face
sported a painful expression as she saw Kira running away to throw up and later
returning only to run away again.

When the record ended
the blonde Coordinator turned to Cagalli and explained. �I am sorry I cut you
short so rudely, but we needed to see this from aside, just the way Kira saw
it. While you and Athrun can tell us your side of the story, he is not here and
the only way to get some idea of his perspective was to watch without any
additional information.�

As Cagalli expressed
her understanding and made it clear she didn�t get offended by the
interruption, Yzak played the records again this time setting the playback at a
slower pace. He touched Dearka�s shoulder to draw his attention to the screen
and started it again.

Lacus sat behind
watching the video-wall silently and thinking that if Kira had seen the things
as she had now, he was probably deeply hurt. And the pang of awareness that
something had been and most probably still was wrong with the brunet continued
to resonate within her.

Everyone saw the
short record two more times, the last one with Cagalli�s explanation of what
she and Athrun had been doing and talking about until finally Dearka stood and
said that they should go and see what was going on with Athrun.

But when they reached
his apartment he didn�t open at their knocking. They tried to open the door but
it turned out to be locked. Yzak wanted to break the key code, but Cagalli drew
out her ID card, passed it through the slot and typed a code. The door
unlocked. The two male Coordinators looked at her rather stunned and she cocked
her head aside and explained. �I have a special access to any area in the
Palace by a unique code. I have never used it till now.� She said the latter
sentence guiltily as if she was ashamed she had broken her habit. �But I
assumed it would be faster this way. I had no doubt you would�ve eventually
broken the system Athrun and Kira developed, but knowing my brother�s software
products it would have taken too much precious time.�

While the three of
them commented on the lock, Lacus silently entered the apartment. The foyer and
the living room were empty, so she moved deeper into the living area. She saw
the door to Athrun�s bedroom was slightly ajar and pushed it open to find the
boy she had been looking for sitting on the bed, embracing his knees and swaying
back and forth. Her heart screamed at the pain he emanated. It was hurting her
to see him in such a state. That was not the Athrun she knew. The person she
now faced, was a stranger that seemed lost and lonely.

She went in the room
and stood in front of her friend, but he gave no indications that he had
noticed her presence. She tried to call his name but he was like a statue, no
reaction of any kind. The she delicately touched his pale face to draw his
attention to her presence and he finally lifted his head and fixed his eyes on
her. What she saw in then broke her heart. They were empty. They looked through
her and beyond at something she couldn�t see. No sign of recognition indicated
Athrun knew who she was, yet his next words proved he had recognized her. But
their meaning made her flinch and embrace him, tears running down her cheeks,
sharing his pain.

�It�s gone, Lacus!
The light is gone!� His expression didn�t alter, his
voice was flat and devoid of any intonation and that frightened her even more.
�The rainbow is gone! He took them away!� Such romantic words by a person who
usually was so clumsy in expressing his emotions and that made their impact
even stronger.

Lacus held him tight
and tried to pour some of her warmth and compassion in him, to assure him that
no matter what he would not be alone, that he had people that loved and
supported him. Yet somehow she didn�t think she had achieved any of those.

By that time the
others had already come in and they heard those devastated words. And saw just
how much Athrun had sunk in desperation.

Yzak caught Athrun by
the shoulders and shook him as it often happened with him, not really able to
suppress his impulsive nature. �So you are going to give up?� He shouted, not
achieving any reaction from his blue-haired friend. He was like a puppet in his
hands, not showing any resistance at the harsh treatment or words.

�React, God damn it!�
Yzak emotions poured through his aggressive stance and his inability to evoke
any reaction made him shout even louder. Lacus sat by Athrun on the bed looked
at the blue-eyed Coordinator with teary eyes.

�Let go Yzak� Came
Dearka�s calm voice, �you won�t do any good this way!� He came and stood by the
bed so that he would be right in front of Athrun�s eyes.

�So, you are giving up! Won�t you fight for
your love?� His voice was leveled and composed but he looked his friend
straight in the eyes, even if they remained lifeless.

�I lost!� The same
expressionless face and flat tone as before accompanied the words. �For the
first time I really feel, that I�ve lost!� He just stared at Dearka but his
eyes didn�t show any emotion, the only sign that indicated he was alive
somewhere deep inside, were the tears that never stopped streaming down his
face, but the blonde doubted his friend was aware of them. �He was disgusted��
The voice fell to a barely audible whisper as he went on. �He was so disgusted,
that he threw up. He couldn�t stomach the very idea that I loved him, that we
made love�� He didn�t continue. Just rested his head on his knees and stared in
the nothing.

Lacus reached and
caressed his hair trying to ease his pain, as she pondered on the new
revelation. So, they had been together physically. It was not like Kira to do
something of the kind if he didn�t desire it. While they had been together he
had never so much as kissed her really as a boyfriend would, no matter what the
others thought. Yet he had slept with Athrun even before they had any real
relationship established. That spoke volumes to someone who paid attention to
the inner universe of Kira�s soul. Didn�t the other realize? Didn�t Athrun
realize?

A
quick glance around made her realize, that she was probably the last one to find
out. Yet the others didn�t understand how important this was. How was it
possible? But before she could say anything Dearka continued.

�You know I don�t
pretend to know what exactly is going on in Kira�s head, but I saw the records,
and to tell you the truth from a side point of view it looks as if you are
proposing to Cagalli.� The girl in question looked at him in shock. Athrun�s
head snapped up and for the first time an emotion livened his features.

�What do you mean?�
His voice was also showing that he was paying attention now.

�He saw you take out
a ring and Cagalli take it.� was the short explanation.
The blue-haired boy�s face turned into a mask of animated horror. But his
blonde friend continued. �I have no idea whether Kira heard any talk between
the two of you, but I know that if he thought you proposed to Cagalli and she
accepted � and that after you have slept with him � he would back out. He would
never try to come between you and his sister. And the two of you have a history,
so it is even more natural for him to assume that some old coals caught new
fire and you got together again.�

Athrun�s hands
started to search through the disks that lay scattered on his bed looking for
the ones that he needed. His clumsy fingers had trouble getting a hold of them.
Cagalli watched him struggle with the disks as her mind processed the
information that Kira could have possibly come to such a conclusion. She left
the room and headed for her apartment, coming back shortly with her laptop,
handing it to Athrun.

�Here, you know where
the files are.� He took it and placed it on the bed, his fingers flying over
the keyboard. He played the files again slowly, so that he would be able to see
everything carefully and Yzak stepped in with a commentary.

�Didn�t you pay
attention to the flower? From what I understand he was looking for you, not his
sister, so we could safely assume that the flower was for you. I don�t think
someone disgusted would bring you flowers, and even a simple friend is unlikely
to do that. I don�t recall seeing him giving you flowers, whatever the
occasion.� Athrun looked at the white lily, his mother�s favourite
flower. And Kira knew about it. He was just the kind of person to remember such
things.

�Look� this time it
was the blonde boy speaking, �he drops the flower as he sees you and he goes
out when you take out the ring and Cagalli �accepts� it.� The blue-haired
Coordinator followed every movement and change of expression of his beloved.
Now that Yzak and Dearka had pointed it out it seemed possible. He needed to
find Kira and talk to him, explain him that it was him and him only that he
loved and desired.

�Is it possible?� He
looked at Lacus, who was probably the person who understood Kira the best.

She placed her hand
on one of his and looked at him. �It is.� She confirmed. �But I am sure he has
some feelings for you if he made love to you. Kira is not someone who would
share such an intimacy lightly and then dismiss it. Find him, talk to him. You
know, even if things turn out for the worst, at least you would have tried.�

Athrun nodded and
squeezed her hand in gratitude for her support. He saw the file to the end and
looked around at his friends. They had given him hope. Even if their
assumptions were wrong, they were still rather logical. He shouldn�t give up
that easily. He smiled, his tears now gone and thanked
them. He was indeed lucky to have such friends.

�Do you think that he
would understand if I explained it to him? That he would
forgive me for unintentionally hurting him?�

�I don�t know� came Yzak�s mock reply. �If I ever saw Dearka propose to
another person, I��

�You would skin me
alive and claw my liver out!� His boyfriend laughed. �But the fact is that this
is Kira, and he would never do anything like that.� He looked at Athrun and
said �I think he would forgive you anything and he would understand. Just go to
him and talk.�

Just then Lacus�
phone rang ruining the atmosphere. She smiled apologetically and moved aside to
answer her phone. It took her a few short silent phrases and then she returned
to the others.

�I am sorry to leave
you now Athrun, but I think you�ll be fine.�

With that she left
her friend behind and walked to her car wondering what Erica Simmons could need
her so urgently and secretly for.

�/N: I do take more and
more time between each update lately, but I promise to update more frequently
once my last exam on Jan 26^th, is through and over with. Hope you
don�t think I made Athrun and Cagalli realize their mistake in interpreting
Kira�s reaction too soon, but I don�t mean for this fic
to be a comedy of errors. And I didn�t want to make them wonder around blindly
as it often happens in soaps. I mean even if they are biased towards the
situation, the other Coordinators are smart and have a sober view on the
situation, so I deem it natural, that they would notice the other possible
interpretation of the situation. And trust Yzak to shout his opinion to
everyone ;-).

@ mikyu: I am cruel to them
all � Athrun, Kira, the baby. It is just the kind of person I am towards my
characters (even if they are just borrowed). I can�t wait to see the pic you are drawing of pregnant Kira, but take your time, I
won�t be rushing you.

@ M: Wow, hope you are happy that at least Athrun
saw some light in the end of the dark tunnel, not that it would be of much help
to him in the near future. And whether I am going to kill the baby� That is
soon to be revealed. I can�t believe it took me so much writing to get to where
I am now, I thought it would happen faster. But I guess
in the next chapter or the one after it, things with the baby will finally be
cleared.

@ Green Moonlight: Now the next chapter
is here, but please don�t take time off your sleep. Every girl needs to sleep,
because this makes her look even younger and preserves her beauty. But it does
boost my ego to know you are obsessed.

@ AsuKira: Chiaki-chan, don�t worry. I am so happy you approve of what I am
doing with our lovely bishounen. But I am at shock
that your fics are gone. What happened?

@ Kaworu: I am really honoured that I made it so high on your favourites
list. Thank you so much for your compliments. And you can�t even imagine how
grateful I am for your comments and redactions on my Japanese, which as you see
leaves a lot to work on. I will edit it.

Sorry if the sap is a
bit over the edge for you, but that is mostly as I initially envisioned the
story. I will do my best though to avoid to much soapy foam bubbling for no
particular reason. Yet, feel free to point to anything that you think needs
revision or doesn�t meet with your approval. I will
consider it, it is up to me to decide whether to
change anything or not.

About the child that
Athrun and Kira might have, if it is born and if it is a girl, you can be
confident, she wouldn�t be named Lotus. (But I�d love to see another mpreg written on this couple, so I�ll be waiting for your fic).

And the post is
viewed just fine in Japanese encoding. :-)

@ Anon: I am happy that you like my writing stile and
consider the story well though of and executed. I try to do my best and I rely
on all of you who read to tell me if I deviate in a bad direction.

@ Icarium: It is really a great
compliment to read, that someone who is not fond of same gender pairings likes
my fic. And by the way, it is Athrun x Kira, and not
the other way around ;-). That is enough to show you are not much of a BL fan.
But thanks for reading.
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Lonely Desire