Pull the Trigger and the Nightmare Stops�

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the Gundam boys, I just like to imagine them in my own little world (which is totally of my making). No profits are made from this story, just gratuitous pleasure.

Summary: They were thrust together at the age of 14, members of an assassins guild, then rudely ripped apart at the age of 21. Now, three years later, Duo walks back into Heero's life. The rollercoaster ride has just begun as they must learn to live together once more and to love each other again. Life isn’t always easy, living with Duo, and Heero has to fight hard to remember that.

Rating: NC-17

Warning Codes: Anal,Angst,AR,H/C,Lang,M/M,OC,Oral,Violence,WAFF,WIP,Yaoi

Pairings: 1x2


Feedback is appreciated. I enjoy hearing from all of my readers. That you take the time to read is great, that you take the time to write is awesome. You are what makes writing worth while. I hope that you enjoy reading it and I look forward to your comments.

My sincere thanks to the following:


Diane Rainwater: Sorry to leave you hanging, but I had to stop somewhere otherwise it would have become an unmanageable monster of a chapter. And now, the drama continues. It’s going to get a little rough, but there will be lighter moments to break up the pain. And a little more understanding of what makes Duo do what he does. Hang in there, we still have quite a long way to go before this ride is over. Thanks for the continued support.

~*~

Pull the Trigger and the Nightmare Stops…

“dear my friends in the time we've spent forever after beyond this when will our nightmare ever end?
pull the trigger and the nightmare stops...”

Part 17

Duo tiredly pulled the sheet up over his naked body and closed his eyes as the tears began to roll down his face. Damn, why did he have to keep provoking Heero? Why did he seem to have this deep seated death wish? Did he want Heero to kill him? Or did he think that if Heero hurt him enough physically it would ease the pain he felt in his heart and the confusion in his mind? He never asked to be a sex slave. He’d never asked to be the lover of another man. He’d never asked for any of this. It had all been forced on him at an early age, and so he had made the best of it that he could.

Yes, he had come to love Heero Yuy, but given a choice, would he have chosen to go to Heero on his own? If he hadn’t been a slave, if they’d have met as just two ordinary boys, would it have been the same? He just didn’t have an answer for that, and so constantly felt at odds with himself over it.

Thanks to his mother and his birth into poverty, all of his choices had been stripped from him. The only real choice he had ever made for himself was the one to come back to Heero. To find him at all cost after the shambles that were made of their lives that last night together. That had been the driving force in his life for three years. It was all he could think of, getting back to Heero, but even that drive had been something that had been trained into him, not something that came naturally to him. Still, he had to admit to himself that he loved Heero more that anyone or anything in the world. Heero Yuy was his world.

So, why did he feel the need to keep pissing off the only person in the world that he loved, and that loved him in return? Or was he just trying to get Heero to reaffirm their love? Was he seeking reassurance for a life that hinged on one man’s whim? Not that Heero would let him go. Hadn’t he told Duo that often enough?

So what was it Duo was looking for? What did he really want from Heero Yuy? He finally fell into a fitful doze, sleeping restlessly.

~*~

What the fuck? What did Duo want from him? He loved him to distraction, but Duo Maxwell drove him crazy at times, trying to figure out what the fuck he wanted.

He tried to give Duo everything he possibly could, do anything he could to make Duo happy. He knew that this wasn’t Duo's chosen lifestyle, it was one that had been forced upon him by circumstances. But Heero really loved him and tried to make it as good as he could. But sometimes Duo just confused the hell out of him. He was normally a rational thinking, practical man, but when it came to Duo, he lost it. He couldn’t think straight, and it made him so angry, so irrational.

He was normally a good driver, too, but today he was too angry, too distracted and didn’t see the car pulling out in front of him until it was too late.

~*~

The phone rang and Duo awoke, feeling groggy, hearing Quatre talking briefly, then he heard his footsteps that stopped outside of the bedroom door.

“Duo?” came Quatre's voice. “Duo, I need to talk to you. I’m coming in. You’d better be decent.” Quatre walked in, a cold look on his face.

“Why did Heero go tearing out of here earlier?” he asked, his voice as cold as his eyes.

“We had a fight,” Duo mumbled, twisting the sheet with his fingers, avoiding Quatre's eyes.

“That was Simon on the phone. He just called to tell me that he was at the emergency room with Heero. It seems that Heero wrapped his car around a tree,” Quatre informed him.

“What?” cried Duo, sitting up, the fuzziness suddenly gone from his brain. “Is he alright? Where is he? I have to go to him.”

Duo jumped out of the bed, careless of the fact that he was naked and that Quatre was in the room with him. He started searching frantically for his clothes, wanting only to get to Heero as fast as he could. That overpowering need to get to Heero once again kicked in and it was all Duo could think of.

“Duo, stop. You can’t go anywhere,” Quatre told him.

“Are you crazy? I have to get to Heero. Where is he?” Duo demanded. “You can’t stop me!”

“Yes, I can,” stated Quatre, “and I have Trowa to back me up.”

Duo had pulled on his pants and was about to put on a tee-shirt, but at Quatre's words, he screamed, dropped the shirt and dove for the bed, hand reaching for the pillows and the gun that lay beneath them. Quatre launched himself, landing on Duo's back, screaming Trowa's name. Trowa came running in to find the two wrestling on the bed, both hissing and spitting like cats.

Trowa waded into the fight and finally pinned Duo to the bed, kneeling in the middle of his back, his arms pinned under his body. Quatre took the guns and knives and put them on the dresser, then stood looking at the panting, crying Duo.

“If Trowa lets you up, will you behave?” he asked.

Duo sobbed and hiccupped, nodding tearfully.

“Let him sit up, Trowa, but don’t let go of him,” said Quatre, sternly. “Where Heero is concerned, I don’t trust him one bit.”

Trowa got off of Duo's back and let him sit up, but sat close beside him, ready to grab him again if necessary.

“Simon is with Heero right now. He’s alright, just a little scratched and shaken. Simon is going to bring him home as soon as the doctor’s finish with him. He wants to talk to the two of you,” Quatre told him. “What were you two fighting about, anyway?”

“Same thing we always fight about,” replied Duo sullenly, refusing to elaborate.

“If we leave you alone, will you promise to behave and stay here in the house until they get here, or will you make us treat you like a child and lock you in your room?” Quatre asked him.

“I’ll stay here and wait,” Duo mumbled, throwing himself back down on the rumpled bed.

Trowa got up to accompany Quatre out, stopping to collect Duo's weapons on the way out. They shut the door behind them and heard Duo start to cry softly. They exchanged a sad look, but refrained from saying anything. They were a confusing couple, to say the least, and often had Quatre and Trowa shaking their heads. Duo could be so delightful and charming, and at the same time so hard to cope with, but that was Heero's problem and he needed to be the one to sort things out. The two just hoped that the others could come to grips with themselves before they killed each other, literally.

~*~

Heero lay back on the bed in the emergency room, wondering what to do next. His head hurt and there was a dull ache in his ribs, but according to the x-rays and cat scan, nothing was broken and he was only suffering a mild concussion. He was quite lucky to have escaped with just scratches and a few bruises, considering what the car looked like. It was totaled. But it had been a choice of the tree or the other car with the woman and kids. Heero took the tree without even thinking.

Both had been at fault, Heero for driving too fast and the woman for not looking before pulling out. But that was all water under the bridge now.

Heero waited, thinking about Duo. He drove him so crazy. They couldn’t go on like this. He knew that something was going to have to change, and soon, or the two of them were going to end up killing each other. Then he heard footsteps and a low tenor voice. Simon. Heero braced himself for the worst. He had chosen to call Simon rather then Duo, not ready for Duo's hysterics, but he knew Simon was probably going to chew his ass, and he deserved it. Simon walked into the room, crossed to the bed and looked at Heero, shaking his head. But Simon was a very understanding man, and right now he desperately wanted to understand what made these two tick. He wanted to know how to defuse the timebomb that was Heero Yuy/Duo Maxwell before it went off and took out any innocent bystanders that happen to be near.

“You’re lucky to have survived that crash, you know that don’t you? What brought this on? Was it Duo?” Simon asked gently.

“We had a fight,” said Heero with a sigh.

“What about, if I may ask?” said Simon.

“The same shit as always. Me being jealous of someone else being near him, him crying about things never changing no matter what I say or do,” Heero sighed bitterly. “And it’s all true. I see him as something that belongs to me, he’s mine and I’m very possessive of him. No matter what I say, I can’t even stand the thought of him near anyone else. I try. God knows, I try, but he’s right. I say ‘wife’, but it’s still ‘dog’. I give him a ring, but it’s still a collar. He’s still a possession, something that belongs to me.”

“You know, we can’t work with you two like this,” said Simon, softly. “When you two are on, you’re fantastic, no one is better, but when you start to come apart at the seams, you’re a danger to all of us. We have to do something to fix this problem. We don’t want to lose either one of you.”

“The problem is Duo, what he does to my head, and there’s no fixing that, Simon,” said Heero, sadly. “He’s so much a part of me, he’s in me so deep, I can’t let go of him. He is all that matters to me, no matter how crazy he drives me. I have to learn how to live with him, to not let him get to me. I need to teach him how to stop seeing himself as my dog, and I’m at a loss for that, because until he’s ready to let it go, it’s always going to be hanging over us, ready to drop. And I need to learn to be more trusting of him, less possessive and jealous.

“I know that this job is of the utmost importance and I don’t want to screw it up, but I don’t know what to do about it right now. I don’t know if I can let him do what he needs to do. And that’s what’s driving me so crazy.”

“If you and Duo can’t reconcile these problems, we’re going to have to take steps to do it for you,” said Simon. “We don’t want to lose either one of you, but right now Duo is making you both liabilities. If it comes down to it, we may have to dispense with Duo's services. Wait… that’s not saying we want Duo out of your life, far from it. It may just be easier if you two don’t work together. You can take care of him without him having to work, and if it comes down to him needing something to do, I’m sure we could arrange something suitable. But this is a last ditch effort. We’d really like to see you two together and working as the team that we know that you are capable of being.”

“But right now,” Simon continued, “Master Quatre's life hangs in the balance and we can’t take chances with it. Let’s take you home and you can talk with Duo. Then the three of us will work something out. Alright?”

“Sure,” agreed Heero. “Sounds better that I deserve, right now.”

“You deserve the best,” said Simon, “but you have to make the best of what you’ve got. And you and Duo have something really good together. Neither of you had a lot of choice in the matter, so let’s see what we can make of the situation as it is.”

Simon left to go get Heero discharged, and Heero slowly began to dress. He didn’t look forward to seeing Duo just yet, but knew that it had to be faced sooner or later, and better sooner than to give Duo too much time to dwell on it. God, he loved Duo so much, and Duo drove him so fucking crazy. Maybe they should just die together and go to hell. At least there they wouldn’t be driving their friends crazy along with each other. Heero laughed a bit at the thought, which made his ribs hurt, and shook his head. The devil himself would probably run away from Duo screaming after a week.

“Heero? Ready to go? I took care of everything,” said Simon, sticking his head in the cubicle where Heero was. The drive home was quiet as Heero tried to get his thoughts together and gather the strength to face Duo.

Ah, Duo. His eyes closed and his mind called up his favorite image. Duo was just past seventeen, they had finally become a true couple and they were so happy together. They had gone for a walk one evening, and as the sun was setting in a blaze of red and gold, Duo had unplaited his hair and shaken it loose. He had been laughing and Heero had grabbed his hands, swinging him around in a circle, his hair flying out behind him, his indigo eyes glowing. The warm, lovely laughter spilled from his mouth. Then Heero pulled him in close and as their lips met, Duo had said it for the first time.

“I love you, Heero Yuy, more than anything.” Those words were etched on Heero's heart.

Their mouths had come together in a soft kiss and Heero had whispered those words back, loving Duo with every ounce of his being and believing truly in the return of Duo's love for him.

His beautiful Duo, his at last, giving to Heero his heart and soul, belonging only to Heero.

His beautiful Duo…

Then Simon was shaking him and the last vestige of the dream slipped away. Now to face the true Duo, who he still love more that anything.

~*~

It seemed like forever before Duo heard Heero's footsteps in the hallway. The door opened, Heero entered and closed the door behind himself, but Duo couldn’t look at him.

“Duo,” said Heero, softly, crossing to the bed and sitting down. “Please look at me, babe.”

Duo shook his head, refusing to turn.

“Babe, please?” asked Heero. “We need to talk about this problem we have. Please, Duo?”

Duo rolled over and opened his tear swollen indigo eyes, his bottom lip quivering. Heero held his arms open and Duo crawled into them. Heero closed his arms gently around his trembling lover.

“I’m so sorry, 'Ro. I always seem to fuck things up. I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” said Duo, hiding his face in Heero's shoulder. “You’re so good to me, and I just… just… I don’t know.”

“Shhh… it’s not your fault, babe,” said Heero, gently stroking his back. “I’m insanely jealous and very possessive and you drive me crazy. But I love you so much it hurts. We’re both pretty good at hurting each other. We need to stop it.”

“How? How do we stop acting like insane idiots?” asked Duo. “Everything you do, you do to try to help me forget what I was, where I came from, what other people made me. I know you must really love me, because no one who doesn’t really love someone would let a person drive them as crazy as I drive you.

“And I love you. I do love you. In spite of everything, I love you. For three long years, the only thing that kept me going was thinking of you, wanting you, needing you.

“And then, when I finally found you, it all came crashing down on me again, and I was afraid. I was afraid you didn’t want me. Every day of my life I have lived with the fear that you wouldn’t want me anymore.”

“Oh, babe, how could I not want you? I love you. You’re my wife,” said Heero, simply.

“We didn’t marry for love, Heero. We were married to each other as the means to justify the end. For the convenience of our guild master,” said Duo quietly. “If we had met under different circumstances, as just two normal boys, would you have still loved me, wanted me as a lover, taken me as your wife? If it was of your free choice?”

“Of course. I fell in love with you the first time that I saw you. From that moment on, I wanted no one else but you. You were everything to me,” Heero told him sincerely.

“I wish I could say that I felt the same, but I’m afraid, if we’d have met as normal boys, I would never have succumbed to you,” Duo told him honestly.

“But I would have pursued you. I would have wooed you and worn you down. I would have made you love me, just like I did,” Heero answered him. “I would have made you mine anyways. It wouldn’t have mattered.”

“I believe you would have,” replied Duo with a small smile for his lover.

“Simon wants to talk to us,” said Heero, kissing Duo on the forehead. “You might want to finish getting dressed, otherwise I might get side tracked.”

Duo laughed softly and Heero hugged him tightly to his chest, caressing his back through his long, silky hair. They kissed and Heero gazed into the indigo eyes that had held him captive for so long, feeling himself drowning in their depths once again. He sighed, closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Duo's. He was so in love with this volatile personality, this beautiful boy, this devilish angel. Reluctantly he released him, allowing Duo to finish dressing, then he brushed and plaited Duo's hair for him. Finally, they were ready to face Simon.

Hand in hand, they left the security of their bedroom and headed for the kitchen where Simon was talking quietly with Quatre and Trowa, trying to gain some insight into the couple’s lives through the impressions of the other two.

They stopped in the doorway and Duo slid under Heero's arm, holding close to him, while Heero's arm slid protectively across Duo's shoulders. When Simon turned to look at them, they looked like anything but quarreling lovers. From what he had gleaned from Quatre and Trowa, Heero and Duo's fights would happen and be over in a flash. The couple could be lovable one minute, wanting to kill each other the next, then act as if it had never happened. Simon was sure there were some very deep psychological problems embedded within the two of them, but he didn’t have the time or the training to try to ferret them out. Nor did he think sending them to a professional would yield any results. They could never trust a stranger enough to talk about what they were feeling and how it was affecting them. It seemed that they could only try to weather the storms as best as they could and to hope for a lot of sunny days.

“Quatre, I need to go see about getting some groceries. Would you like to come with me?” Trowa asked the blonde, knowing Simon would get more out of the couple if they were gone.

“Sure. I have a list of things I need. Let me get my coat. Do you guys have anything special that you want from the store?” he asked Heero and Duo when he returned with his coat and list.

“No. What ever you get is fine by me,” Heero answered. He had never been picky about what he ate, as long as it was healthy.

“Cokes,” responded Duo quickly, shooting a glance at Heero. He knew Heero frowned on him having too much sugar, but decided to go for broke. “And pixie-stix. I love pixie-stix.”

Heero just snorted, so Quatre wrote the requested items down on his list and made ready to leave.

“Sure thing,” he told Duo, and trailed out the kitchen door after Trowa. Heero and Duo took seats opposite Simon at the table.

“So, gentlemen, what do we do about this situation?” Simon asked, looking from one to the other.

“It’s… it’s all my fault,” started Duo, looking down at the table.

“No, Duo…” Heero broke in.

“Yes, Heero. It is. It’s always my fault. I push you until you snap. I don’t know when to stop. I guess I feel that if you are punishing me for it, what I’m doing doesn’t hurt so bad. The physical hurt takes away the fear and makes everything alright. What I’m doing with you can’t be all bad, can’t be all of my own doing if you’re making me do it.” Duo looked at him with pleading eyes. “Does that make sense to you? I’m not gay. All of my up bringing, right up until the day my bitch of a mother sold me into sexual slavery was one long rant about how wrong it was for one man to desire another man. For a man to have a physical relationship with another man was something to be abhorred, a sin so dreadful it could never be forgiven. For one man to go to another in a marriage bed was to forsake all that was good and dedicate oneself to hell and damnation for all eternity. My mind screams this at me constantly.

“But my heart, my heart cries out for you, Heero Yuy. My heart yearns for your touch, your kiss, to feel your body inside of mine, possessing me to my very core.

“You were the first person to ever be kind to me. You didn’t try to use me against my will. In fact, if not for the ultimatum from Treize, you would most likely have waited a lot longer for me to come to you.

“And you did let me come to you. After that first time, you left it to me to chose to come to your bed. I know, there were all of those other boys, but they only showed me how desirable you could be. That last boy showed me how you could be in love, and that was what won my heart. That was the Heero Yuy that I wanted. I finally opened my eyes to see what was right in front of me, and it was you. And I gave my heart to you that night.

“But it’s never been easy for me. As much as I love you, my mind still screams out at me sometimes that it’s wrong, this is wrong and our love can’t be real.

“I guess I’m just wanting you to still that voice and tell me that what I feel in my heart is what is real. That it’s okay to love you. I want to love you so badly.

“No. I do love you. I came back to you. You were all that I could think of. I was ready to die if I couldn’t find you. I would have rather been dead then face a lifetime with you, I love you so much.

“I just have a hard time handling the conflict between my head and my heart. I… I guess that’s all I have to say.” Duo stopped abruptly, tears running down his face, looking just a bit scared as he gazed at Heero, waiting.

“Babe, I don’t know what to say to all of that,” Heero confessed. “I know, you’ve told me most of this at different times, but not like this, not in one whole piece. I… I never gave a lot of thought to loving someone or having a relationship with anyone, let alone another boy. There wasn’t a lot of room for things like that in my early training. All I know is that when I saw you, my heart didn’t care that you were another boy. All I saw was the most beautiful, most desirable creature that I had ever laid eyes on, and I fell in love with you. I only ever wanted you to love me as much as I loved you. I just didn’t know how to make you love me in return.

“I admit, I used some pretty sneaky, underhanded ways to get you, but if you hadn’t loved me, you never would have loved me no matter how many other boys I slept with. But it was only you I ever wanted.

“All I want to know right now, babe, is what can I do to make you happy? What can I do to help you overcome this need to have me punish you? What do I have to do to make you realize that it’s your heart that you should listen to? That our love is real, and that it’s alright for us to love each other?”

“I don’t know,” whispered Duo. “Just keep loving me? Never let me go.”

“I already do that babe, and I will never let you go,” replied Heero, softly, reaching out to brush the tears from Duo's face. “I’ll try not to be so jealous or possessive. I know that you’re not going to run off into some other guy’s arms. I’ll try to have more trust and faith in you. Maybe if I can keep from getting so angry, we can quit fighting so much. Okay?”

“Okay. And I’ll try not to listen to the voice in my head, but to the one in my heart that tells me that it’s alright to love you,” said Duo softly, leaning into Heero's touch.

“Well, that sounds like a good start, boys,” said Simon, smiling. “Now I think I can understand just a little better what is going on between you two and I can put you in less stressful situations for awhile. Between us, maybe we can get the two of you patched up and reasonably whole once more.”

“Thanks, Simon. You’ve been a great help,” said Heero.

“Hey, all I did was sit here,” protested Simon.

“No,” Duo disagreed. “You got us to talk like civilized people, not screaming banshees, which is what we usually end up sounding like. Maybe, this time, we’ll get it right.”

“So, gentlemen, are we good to go on this job?” Simon asked, looking first at Duo, then to Heero. “I think it’s going to be about a week to a week and a half. You know that there is no real fixed time on this. I’d like to send you out on a couple of jobs, Heero. One that is two days and another that is just an overnighter, so they can get used to seeing you leave Duo here alone.”

Heero looked at him sharply.

“Of course, I will instruct Trowa to never leave Quatre alone here with Duo while you are gone,” he said soothingly, and Heero backed down immediately. “We don’t want them to act prematurely while you are away. I need you here to take care of Duo when it all goes down. But I do need Duo to keep working on Quatre.”

“From a distance,” said Heero.

“From a distance,” agreed Duo.

“Also, when you are home,” Simon continued, “I am going to have Trowa leave Quatre to you a couple of time for the same reason. I think this will work, if the two of you can hold it together. What do say, boys? Can we do this?”

“Yeah, we can, Simon,” said Duo at once.

“Agreed,” confirmed Heero.

Duo leaned into Heero with a deep sigh and Heero closed his arms protectively around his lover. He kissed him gently on the top of the head as Duo closed his eyes and relaxed.

They had to be the saddest couple, Simon thought to himself, fighting each other and themselves just to love each other, making things a whole lot harder that they had to be. But, considering all that they had gone through all of their lives, it was easy to see how they had the problems that they were trying to cope with. He wished them all the best, and hoped that they didn’t end up killing each other one day.

“Alright, then. It’s late and I have a lot of work to catch up on. I’ll leave you two to work things out between yourselves. Please, try to go easy on each other, alright?” he asked them as he prepared to leave.

They only smiled grimly at him, both knowing they had a long way to go before they had any chance of laying the ghosts of their respective pasts to rest, if that was even possible.

~*~

When Simon had gone, Heero took Duo's hand and led him off to the lounge where they settled down to watch the television together. Heero sat with his feet propped up on the coffee table and Duo cuddled up next to him, feeling tired and emotionally worn out. It wasn’t long before he was asleep and Heero shifted him gently so that Duo's head was lying in his lap, and he stroked his hand thought Duo’s silky bangs as he absently looked at what ever was on the screen in front of him, the words that Duo had said running through his mind once more.

Poor, confused boy, how hard it must have been, his head and his heart constantly at war with each other. Even though Duo had told him everything, it had only ever been in bits and pieces, here and there, never as one continuous story from beginning to end. Now, Heero thought, he could understand a little better what went on in the silly head of his flighty lover, and he could start to make heads and tails of the incredible mood swings that Duo was prone to. It didn’t stop him from feeling jealous or possessive, but maybe it might help him on his anger issues with Duo.

Ah, Duo.

Soon Heero relaxed and once more that seventeen year old, laughing, playful Duo was spinning around him in his dreams again.

~*~

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