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Disclosure
By : TristaML
Category: Missing Data > Missing Data
Views: 167 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
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Chapter List
- 16
- 17
- 18
Chapter 17 (VP) Motives:
What’s happened?
This darkness… its encompassing.
Did we… die? No, I can’t die. Then where am I? How long have I been here?
Time is such a mystery. It seems to go by fast and slow, “normal” and sometimes even not at all.
What is time to a man who will never run out of it? What is eternity? What is an instant?
So much happens in time, but then again, the moments don’t mean much until you add them all up, and sometimes a singular moment can mean more than all of them combined. And what is it all other than a memory or an uncertainty? What is a past and a future? What is the present to a man who can never die?
I reflect, although perhaps not so humbly as I should, on the things that have passed and the things that may yet still be.
More-so, though, on the things that once were, but are no more…
Kakarot… I did that to him. I turned him into a maniacal creature of my past. I let him wreak havoc and even applauded him for it, all due to my own demented ideas. It is my fault. Because I was so impulsive. Because I was so evil. And because I was so willing to see it through until the end. And I was going to see it through. I was going to give up everything for him, even though he gave me little choice in the matter. There’s always a choice.
“‘Can I still trust you?’” That’s what Piccolo asked me that day, not so long ago…
This suffocating black that surrounds me is suddenly so wholly welcome. Not that I care what the Namek thinks. It’s simply that I have to admit to myself at least that I am still completely capable of dirty deeds, and I would do them all for no price at all, only out of my own indignation.
But… I didn’t enjoy the torment of our families, as much as I was willing to sacrifice them in the moment, I wasn’t happy about it. My heritage is in them. The blood of my people screams out beneath their utterly disappointingly human lives. They will never know it, but I can sense it with every satirical glance I can’t help but take, and uncomfortable personal distancing is not something I ever had to practice.
I allowed this for him. I allowed it for us. Because he is the only other of my kind who even remotely resonates with me and I was willing to see what he could do, what he would do, unleashed.
But. Saiyan or not, I am… still a mortal. Immortal or not, my mind is not above carnality. And carnal bodies are forced to question their questionable actions.
So.
If I have to be honest. I was so, so, very, very wrong for letting it get out of hand the way it did. I could have approached the situation differently to begin with. I could have been more of a man about it and just put it all out there.
Maybe if I had been more upfront on my feelings of interest in him, and less on my anger towards his lack of… What does it even matter?
Where am I? Why am I thinking about this?
Because he finally came around and admitted that he… I don’t even know what to call that.
Because he turned out to be everything, everything I imagined myself to be at one point in time, but more. More terrifying than Frieza, because he truly didn’t give a fuck.
I can hardly wrap my head around any of this.
I haven’t even opened my eyes, or else I have, but darkness still surrounds me. I feel as though I am floating. I can’t be dead, but maybe… Maybe the planet was destroyed, and this is space. This is the void I must drift along in until I find a new place to set my feet. No, that can’t be so, it’s too dark. There are things in space. Stars, dust…
What does it matter? Whatever this is… I will endure. And it’s too late to change any of it.
I’m exhausted, or else I’m simply… worn thin. Immortality in a “mortal” body is gruesome. Why didn’t I, I don’t know, become something else after making such a wish? Flesh and blood aren’t meant to live forever. I never thought I’d regret such a magnificent promise. I guess I grew out of it, too little too late.
How much time has passed like this? I felt cold at first, but now I’m feeling a warm. Cozy even, but I can’t focus.
What happened?
One minute I was on Namek… Let me think. After Kakarot’s speech… after that…
The last thing I remember; the Dragon spoke, and I turned to Kakarot to see his reaction. But, then everything sort of slipped away. He was, and then he wasn’t. Not anymore…
What happened?!
Wait… Do I hear… Birds…?
I am groggy, and I let out a grunt, barely audible by my own ears, yet I feel the grumbling of it coming out of me. I feel like I’ve been training too hard, but I know that I haven’t trained recently…
Suddenly I am aware of my body, the heaviness of it, and I’m… lying down?! -Like waking up from a solid sleep. My eyes are closed. I force myself to open them and as I do I bring myself to sit up on my forearms.
“Good morning, Vegeta. Gosh, you look rough,” says the sweet voice I’ve grown so accustomed to over these long years.
“Bulma?!” I jump up, staring at her, alert but so fucking lost. My body is sore.
‘Why?’ I think as I stare into her blue eyes, ‘How?’ I wonder as my eyes travel around her face and to her hair, ‘…What… happened?’ my mind barely speaks as I take in the rest of her fresh appearance, and it all washed over me so quickly that none of it settled in.
I stare at her closer, and she smiles lovingly, laughing a little bit at me, but I can’t understand her cheerfulness.
She taunts, untainted, “I’m having that party tomorrow, so you have the whole day to relax, then, even though I know you won’t. But would you at least try to look presentable by then, please? It’s not like you work or anything,” she winks at me and pats me on the shoulder before she leaves, sipping her coffee as she heads out the door of our bedroom.
It can’t be.
It simply… can’t be…?
I stare unfocused for a moment before I jump out of bed and head to the vanity to look at myself in the mirror. I look like shit. I feel like shit, which is nothing out of the ordinary since I usually train so hard… but I haven’t done that in a week…
“Tomorrow… is the party?” I say to myself.
What time is it? What day is it?
Just as things are starting to stop shocking me and start hitting me, I sense him. Yes, it’s him-he’s here! Kakarot is here!
Just like that day… that seemed so long ago… I jump into the shower and quickly rinse off. My mind is whirring at this strange turn of events. I still don’t quite get it. But I think…
I think the Namek had a stroke of genius… And he’s given us all a second chance.
But if that’s so, does Kakarot remember? Do any of them remember? Why would I remember, yet they do not? But Bulma… she was… untouched…
I exit the shower, dry off, and change in no time, heading in Kakarot’s direction quickly. So many thoughts hitting me. Is he the same? Is he himself? Does he remember? Trunks? Gohan!? Is he…?
Piccolo…?
There’s no time… wait, am I still immortal?!
My heart pounds as I rush to see my rival-lover-frie-stupid-fucking-GAH- whatever the fuck he is! I slink around the corner and find him. “Kakarot!” I can’t help but exclaim, too enthusiastically.
He turns to me, “Heyyy, Vegetaa…” he smiles and waves.
‘Did your annoying wife tell you to come here, today?’ That’s what I said to him that day. That day I had so much on my mind, so much to do with him and my own base desires. But this day… I simply ask, on guard, as I study him, “What are you doing here?”
“I know, the party’s not until tomorrow…” he laughs and grins wider, “But… I wanted to catch up with you, Vegeta. It’s been a while, and I figured you’d be free today.”
“Today?!” I ask, in slight shock. ‘It’s been a while…’ he says, and my mind replays it, knowing that indeed, it has been a while since I’ve talked to him.
“Yeah,” he rubs the back of his head, clearly a little anxious.
My jaw is lax and my mind is in a whir. The replay is not lost on me. Then, that day, I thought that it was me that was making him feel that way, but now, this day, the same or not, now I know that he’s nervous to tell me that he plans to leave!
“What… for?” I ask, as though I don’t know, and I can’t hide the emotion on my face, though I hardly think he’s noticed.
“Well, there are lots of things we can do, and…” he replies, misunderstanding my question, and he approaches me slowly. “I actually thought that today you and I could take it easy for once. How about we just go for a swim, or lay out in the sun and talk?” He closes in and reaches out to touch my shoulder, and I know exactly where he intends to take me.
I look into his eyes as he approaches, trying to gauge him for the real him, or any indication that he… isn’t himself…
In the blink of an eye we’re back. Back where it all began.
“What a beautiful day! Don’t you think so, Vegeta?” he smiles, “Let’s jump in! Swimming is good exercise, too, if you’re worried about losing a day and all…”
The echo replays in my mind as it’s displayed right before my eyes. Shock threatens to envelope me. I would be thanking the Namekian if I had a moment to spare.
He’s already taking off his shirt and his shoes and jumping into the lake.
I can’t follow. I just can’t.
I’ve been dying to know why! Why he’s planned to leave! That’s what started this in the first place! My own impetuous actions responding to his poorly explained withdrawal!
My heart won’t stop pounding.
He’s himself again, isn’t he? Am I fucking dreaming? I’d literally cut myself to know if I’ll bleed or kiss him on a whim to know if it’s true—is he back? Is this real?
“Come on, the water’s great!” he shouts as he breaks the wave his dive created.
“No,” I reply, numb, and yet I’m feeling more than I ever have before.
“Don’t be shy!” he laughs, splashing water at me, knowing that, under normal circumstances, it would be enough to make me jump in after him, if only to get him back.
But I am so much more thoughtful now than I was… before. I argue, gentle but firm, skipping forward without the foreplay, “Tell me… You’re not just here to get me out of the house for a little while. You’re just trying to get me in a good mood first before you tell me something, something that I don’t want to hear…” I see mild shock on his perfectly mirthful face, and I demand, with no venom in my voice, “Tell me what you came to say.”
He looks nervous and he replies, “Wow, Vegeta, am I that transparent?” and he laughs a little bit before swimming towards me. He sighs and rests his chin over his hands as he crosses his arms on the bank of the lake. “Okay, well, I…”
My heart reverberates in my ears as I listen;
“I wanted to tell you that… Tomorrow, at Bulma’s party, I was gonna tell everybody that I’ve decided I’m leaving, but I wanted to tell you, first.”
I didn’t know I was holding my breath until I realized it was my turn to speak. Then I was afraid to admit that I was… upset. Now, I still can’t bring myself to say it. So I don’t say anything.
Kakarot looks away for a minute, after realizing that I wasn’t going to respond, and he says, just like before, “I… I’m not the same man I used to be when we first met, Vegeta. Things are… different now. Let’s be honest; I’m bored… and I thought you might understand...”
Many questions begin to arise within me, unasked, and as always, unanswered. I mumble, taking the safe route as I am replaying the scene in my mind, and mimicking it to a degree, “So, you’re going to go out looking for trouble?” I ask him, not so vehemently as before.
He laughs and says, “Something like that…”
My mind screams in my inner turmoil. I see the distance in his eyes, the thought in them.
But this time it’s different, this time… I walk closer to the bank and sit down right beside him, refusing to look at him.
“Vegeta…?”
A tremor runs through me, but I embrace it, and ask, against my nature, but in my better judgement, “Why do you want to leave?” and as I ask such a simple question, I turn to him and watch his face closely.
His eyes widen, and he answers, “I…”
I interrupt, stupidly, “I don’t… I mean…”
He interjects, awkwardly, “I didn’t think… anyone would mind.”
I am quiet. So is he. He treads the water gently. I watch the ripples of it, echoing so closely the own rippling in my very soul. Emotion. Unsurety. I hate it.
The anger and dejection are still there, swelling inside of me, like it’s brand new, but it’s so old and familiar. I don’t want to go through my own woe anymore. I can’t lie to him anymore. Or to myself. All I wanted was a chance, an opportunity for something to spark between us. But… not like it did. Not like that. I got the Kakarot… Maybe this whole time all I’ve ever really wanted was Goku.
“Vegeta…” he begins, but I know he doesn’t have anything to follow it up with, and I still don’t know what he means by any of this, but I must let him know, once and for all, what I think of him. What he means to me.
I lean forward and grab a strong hold of his chin, tilting his face towards mine, and closing my eyes, I force our lips together and kiss him with fervency, and ardency, but not lust. And as I pull away from that simple gesture, before I allow myself to gauge his response, I commit myself to admit, “I don’t want you to leave.”
He says nothing. He does nothing.
It’s too much to bear and so I add, quickly, and foolishly, “But if you must… take me with you.”
There. I said it. It’s done. For my part. And I’ve handled this far better than I could have, for fuck’s sake I at least know that much is certain. So what if he laughs in my face or leaves in spite of me. At least the universe will be better off for it.
I notice a blush come across his cheeks and he’s clearly… something. Perhaps I could decipher his emotions better if I could quell mine, but there’s no potion that can take away my concrete character which consists of uncertainty and pride.
Finally he asks, “Why…?”
I blush in return and sit up straight, turning my chin away from him and pouting towards the sky, refusing to entertain an answer to such an impossible question.
Asking me why I would want to go with him is like asking me why I would want him to stay!
After another moment he asks, “You kissed me. Why?!”
I turn to him and smirk, happy that he didn’t ask me why I didn’t want him to go. Why? Because it’s easier to explain without saying a word than to admit what even I don’t fully understand. I slide into the lake beside him, boots and clothing and all, splashing water between us, and he smiles back at me, his face declaring his surprise and confusion, but not expressing dislike.
I kiss him again and he kisses me back. It’s the first time, for both of us, really, because this time it’s Goku that I’m kissing, and it’s Goku’s that I’ve wanted for so long, not Kakarot. And Goku kisses me back, unsure, and timid, but sensual, and curious.
I don’t want this to ever end. I don’t want to explain it. I don’t want to be rejected. I refuse to stop, especially now that I’ve started. My left hand graces his cheek before gripping his neck, and my right arm wraps around his shoulder, grasping his muscles there and pulling him close.
“Vegetah,” he breathes, but I only smirk into our kiss and deepen it further, pushing our passion to its limits.
I want to kiss down his neck so badly, and make this go further, but I don’t want to free up his tongue if this is going to be the last time. I don’t want to allow him to voice any objection.
We continue, and I feel his hands get ballsy as one of them pulls me closer by my waist, and the other comes to grip the back of my head, clenching my hair as we take quick breaths when allowed.
“Wait…” he finally gasps.
I move my mouth to his neck, now, knowing that it’s my chance, and refusing to stop while he’ll allow it. We’re both too caught up the moment to risk it ending so soon. He moans as he exposes more of his soft flesh there to me, and I can feel his hand tightening and loosening as it travels up and down my back.
Suddenly he brings his face down towards mine, and I’m forced to stop my onslaught and face the repercussions of my actions. But, regardless of how bad the response might be, I know it could be so much worse, so I brace myself and prepare to answer whatever question he may ask me.
His eyes are on mine like they never have been before, and I wish I could focus more on his, but I can’t help but study every detail of his handsome face from a distance I’m not used to, as I wait for him to speak.
“I…” he says, still holding me close, with an undeniable clenching and squeezing of his fingertips, so hard, but so gentle for such strong hands. “I don’t understand, Vegeta…”
I smirk, prepared for rejection, but not rehearsed, I explain, “If you’re going to leave tomorrow… and I can’t change your mind… I at least wanted to show you what you’d be missing when you go.”
His mouth is agape, and if I didn’t want so badly to understand why he needs to leave, I would have kissed him all over again, but instead, I add, “Why do you want to go? Why...(do you want to) leave?”
The confusion is taking over him and his embrace on my body is lessening by the second. Insecurity takes a hold, and he’s pulling away, so I do, too, and I begin to slowly tread water, moving backwards.
Well, it was worth a shot. No harm, no foul, not this time anyway.
“I don’t know what to say…” he admits, looking at me, and then not, before glancing at me again.
I lick my lips, but I don’t waste my time explaining. I know that I’m incapable of giving him any sort of truth anyways, so I turn to the edge of the lake and begin to pull myself out of it.
He just watches.
I square my shoulders as I stand up straight, my back to him. The silence is so loud and I argue with myself before I simply answer, “Hn. I figured.”
Was that so hard? It didn’t kill me, but I was immortal once, maybe I retained some prowess from it.
His silence is expected, and I don’t dare turn to see his face. I wouldn’t know what to make of it even if I could see it.
So I finish by saying the only thing I can think of to say, “Goodbye, Kakarot,” and with that I take to the sky, heading anywhere but there. Anywhere, but where he is. That’s where I want to be.
- 16
- 17
- 18
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Disclosure	By : TristaML Category: Missing Data > Missing Data Views: 167 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
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