Wizard of Oz

The Wizard of Oz: Gundam Wing.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, The wizard of Oz or the song "All Star" by Smashmouth.
Author: Koneko Shido

The Wizard of Oz: Part Two.

"Heeero..." Came the slightly whined voice of Duo as the trio of himself, Heero and Wufei trudged along the sickeningly cheerful Yellowbrick road. Heero scowled and halted, turning aroun fac face the braided boy with a raised eyebrow.
"What? I told you, I don't have any food!" The stressed perfect soldier growled, glaring at Duo.
"Apples!" Duo chirped happily, pointing towards the twisted trees at the side of the road. Heered ted them dubiously.
"Hn," He said, leaning back against a less threatening tree on the other side of the road to watch as Duo picked some of the red apples. Duo shrugged at Heero then skipped over to the trees, reaching up to pluck one of the shiny fruits when the tree moved, the bark twisting into a face that glared down at the braided boy, who had frozen mid-pluck.
"Um, hi?" Duo squeaked at the angry-looking face, wondering why a tree needed such sharp teeth.
"Did you want soing?ing?" The tree growled, grinning horribly. Duo gulped.
"Ehh... Nope, I'm just, uh, stretching. I'll just be going now, nice to meet you-erk!" Duo gasped as the tree swung a branch down and picked him up in one huge, leafy hand.
"I don't think so. You were going to eat one of my apples, weren't you?" Duo shook his head but it ignored him. "I think I'll show you what it feels like to be eaten! You look just about bitesize to me," the tree laughed and began to slowly raise Duo to its mouth.
"Heee-eee-eeero! Help me!" Duo wailed, struggling in the tree's grasp.
"You got yourself into the mess, get yourself out of it." Heero muttered, watching with interest to see how a tree would eat someone. Duo kicked at the bark, his feet jamming tree'ree's mouth open to stop it eating him.
"How was I supposed to know the stupid tree had issues? C'mon, help me, pleeeeease? This is really messed up!" He begged, yelping again as Heero drew out his gun and fired a shot at the tree, causing it to drop Duo.
"Oww." The tree muttered, rubbing the bullet hole between its eyes. Heero gave Wufei a "what the hell is g wig with this place?" look and marched over to Duo, dragging him out of reach of the man-eating tree by his braid. He sat on the ground in the middle of the yellowbrick road and pouted.
"My butt is bruised, I almost got eaten and I'm still hungry." He complained, bouncing to his feet, ignoring Heero's glare and stepping a little closer to the psychotic tree.
"Hey ugly, you didn't have to try and eat me! You're lucky I don't make a chair out of you, you overgrown twig! Your mother was a weed!" He yelled, ducking as the irate tree picked one of its own apples and threw it at him.
"Eat that, mammal! At least my mother wasn't a primate!" It roared. Duo noticed the apple lying on the ground and picked it up, wondering if he could goad the tree into "giving" him a few more.
"Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be a coffee table," Duo called in a babyish voice, sucking his thumb. The tree gave a snarl of rage and began hurling apples at Duo, who caught all but one of them. The one he missed rolled off into the bushes on the other side of the road and Wufei stiffened as he watched it disappear, having the sudden, uncontrollable urge to chase it. In the end he gave in and ran off into the bushes after it, followed by Heero. Duo noticed that they'd both gone and turned back to the tree, smirking.
"Think I'll make like a tree and "leave," dude. Later!" Duo sniggered, ignoring the apples raining down around as has he ran off after Heero and Wufei, munching on one of the apples cradled in his arms. When he reached them they were standing around a boy who had the lost apple in his hand, staring at it. He seemed oblivious to his audience and Duo joined in watching, growing bored after a while and poking Heero in the ribs.
"Hey," he hissed, "What's going on?"
Heero blinked at him then scowled.
"I have no idea." He said in his usual monotone. Duo shrugged and stepped forward, still munching on his pile of apples.
"Hey, man, what's up?" He asked the boy, who looked up through his long bangs which covered one green eye.
"Up?" The boy murmured quietly, standing and handing the apple to Duo in an absent way. "Nothing. Who are you?" He asked in an "I will talk to you until I find something better to do" voice. Duo didn't seem to notice and he grinned happily, throwing an apple core over his shoulder and narrowly missing Wufei, who growled but, as usual, was ignored.
"Duo, Heero and Wuffie. We're going to get me a VCR from some wizard guy, you wanna come?" The cheerful braided boy asked.
The quiet boy shrugged in a way that indicated that he didn't really care. Duo took that as a yes and laughed happily, dragging the boy along with them as they began on their journey again. Heero looked at Wufei, who shrugged as they followed the chattering god of death.
"So, you have a name?" He asked the newest addition to their group. The uni-banged boy looked at him in a disinterested way.
"Yes." He offered. Duo looked a little puzzled for a moment but soon got over it.
"Uh, what is it?" He asked.
"Trowa." Trowa said in a bored voice.
"Oh. Well, hi Trowa!" Duo chirped, continuing to chatter to the quiet boy as the group carried on their trek along the road.
"Hey," Wufei asked Heero as they walked, "Why are all the weirdoes flocking to us? Is there anyone normal in this stupid country? Do I have a sign on my back saying: "Come join the freak parade?" This place is even more screwed up than France!" The Chinese boy commented.
"Hn," Heero agreed, watching Duo's ass sway while he walked.

A little later, as night was falling, Duo, Trowa, Wufei and Heero found themselves entering a scary, twisted-looking wood.
"Hey, what're we gonna do if there're lions, or tigers, or even BEARS in there?" Duo asked, chewing on his nails.
"I'll shoot them." Heero said flatly, halting in his ks wks when he noticed something pink zipping through the sky towards them.
"Shit! Hide me!" He gasped as he watched it come closer, then he dived behind a tree.
"What the hell was that all about?" Duo asked Wufei, who shrugged and stood back to watch the pink dot grow bigger. On cue, Trowa, Wufei and Duo all stepped back as Relena slammed into the ground where they'd been standing with a cry of "Heeeeeero!!!"
"That had to hurt," Wufei muttered, watching Relena pick herself up and brush her pink dress off. She looked down at the scorched crater that used to be her second broomstick and sighed.
"I really should get one with brakes," she murmured, then noticed Duo staring at her. She ignored the other two boys and scowled at him.
"Where's my Heero? What have you done with him!?" She demanded. Duo looked at her like she was crazy and raised an eyebrow.
"What have *I* done with him? I haven't done anything with him! Yet," he added as an afterthought. "He's cowering behind that tree to get away from you!" The braided Shinigami told her, pointing at the tree where Heero was hiding, trying not to breathe in case Relena heard him. She looked at the tree and then back at Duo, a ball of fire appearing in her pink-nailed hand.
"I don't see him! And besides, why would my Heero be hiding from me?" She asked, bouncing the fireball up and down in her palm, daring Duo to make a smart comment. He couldn't resist it.
"First oyou you can't see him because he's *behind* the tree, genius, and second, he's hiding from you because you're an insane, pink-obsessed stalker, not to mention an evil psycho witch!" He yelled. "And you nail people to stakes for no reason! It isn't my fault the Munchkins hate your guts!" He paused for breath. "Besides," he continued, smirking, "Heero's mine! You can't have him, so keep your hands off!" He finished, hands on hips. Then he noticed the scary look in Relena's eyes.
"I saw him first!" She yelled, throwing the fireball at him. He yelped and dived for cover as it exploded just where he'd been standing, and Relena laughed.
"I'll find out what you've done with my Heero, Maxwell!" She said, turning to leave, but finally noticing Trowa and Wufei standing and watching, making no effort whatsoever to help put out Duo, who was on fire.
"Oh, hello." She said politely, then created another pink broomstick out of thin air and hitched her skirt up, climbing daintily onto it. Then, just as she was sitting down, the broomstick took off like a bullet and shot off into the distance, accompanied by Relena's screams.
"Is she gone?" Came a voice from behind a tree. Wufei sighed, wondering why Heero didn't just shoot the annoying witch.
"Yes, the big, scary witch is gone now," he said sarcastically, watching a blushing Heero slink out from behind his tree.
"Hey!!! A little help here, I am on fire, you know!!" Duo yelled at them, from where he was patting frantically at his burning sleeve. Heero walked over, taking his time, and gave the flames licking their way up Duo's arm a thorough inspection. This led to him wondering what it would be like to lick his way up Duo, and he only snapped out of his hentai fantasies when Duo screamed right next to him.
"Don't let it touch the hair! Do you know how long it took to grow that?" He cried in despair, trying to put out the fire and hold his braid out of the way at the same time. Heero, having snapped back into reality, considered telling Duo to drop and roll for a moment then got a better idea from the hentai half of his brain.
"Stand still, baka," he grunted. Then, when Duo was still enough, he grabbed the braided baka's shirt and ripped it off, leaving Duo naked from the waist up and no longer on fire. Heero put out the fire on his shirt and handed it back to him.
"Oh, thank you, Hee-chan! You saved my life, but, more importantly, you saved my hair!" He gasped, tears in his eyes. Then the hentai part of his brain, which was working in sync with Heero's, gave him a suggestion. He smirked evilly for a moment then threw himself into Heero's arms, hugging him tightly.
Heero was in heaven, having a half-naked and very happy Duo hugging him, but he still tried to look annoyed. His perfect soldier half was telling him to shoot the baka for touching him, while his other, very hentai half was saying "Rip his clothes off and ravish him right here in the middle of the Yellowbrick road." What Heero actually did was stand there drooling, trying to decide. Just when the Wing pilot's happy hentai half was winning the battle, a sickeningly cute voice interrupted him.
"Awww, that's so romantic!" Quatre the cat giggled, smiling.
Duo and Heero jumped apart, realizing how long they'd been stood there, and turned to look at the owner of the voice. Wufei and Trowa, who'd gotten bored and sat down, stood up with a jerk and looked behind them. After a moment a figure stepped out of the bushes and smiled at them, blinking big, blue eyes. It was blonde, very, very cute, and had cat ears and a tail, much like Wufei (except he was a dog. Can you see what's coming?).
"Hello! I'm Quatre! Are you off to see the wizard? I've been waiting for someone who was going to see him, may I join you?" He asked, smiling charmingly. Trowa's one visible eye fol following his every move and he licked his lips, giving an almost invisible smirk. Wufei's eyes were also following him, but they were wide and slightly deranged-looking. If you looked closer, you might also see his lips moving in a silent chant of "IwillnotkillIwillnotkillIwillnotkill..."
Heero looked at the cat-creature and frowned, annoyed at being interrupted just when he was about to jump Duo. Duo was also slightly annoyed that Heero hadn't jumped him yet, but he soon got over it and grinned at Quatre.
"Sure, man! Uh, I mean...cat... Why are you going to see the wizard guy, then? I want a VCR," the braided boy explained, leading the way as they all began to walk again, following the road through the creepy forest.
"I have trouble sleeping, I need to get some Nytol, or something. I think it comes from living in these creepy woods," Quatre told Duo, who nodded sympathetically.
Trowa smirked, thinking of ways he could help tire Quatre out so he'd sleep better. Wufei was trying to concentrate on anything except cats, his eyes looking very bloodshot. He wished that Relena girl'd attack them again; he could really do with ripping something to shreds about now...
"I see what you mean," Duo said, looking around him, "This place in kinda creepy. Know any good songs to sing?"
"If you say "the lions and tigers and bears song" I will shoot you," Heero added, cocking his gun. Duo gulped and grinned nervously.
"Um, how about "All Star?" I love that song." (I had to put it in at least one of my fics; it's my favourite song!) He said, grinning as Quatre clapped his paws together in a happy way.
"Oh, me too!" He said, linking arms with Duo as they both began to sing. Trowa and Heero growled. Wufei was watching Quatre's long, blonde tail swishing back and forth merrily as he sang, the Chinese boy's heart beating faster and faster and his ears twitching.

"Somebody once told me
The world is gonna roll me,
I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed,
She was looking kinda dumb
With her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an L on her forehead..."


Since night was falling, Duo suggested they make a camp up for the night and they all stopped in a nice-looking clearing. Pretty soon there was a crackling fire with logs around it for seats and the boys all sat down, listening to Duo's brainless chattering. Wufei had managed to calm himself down a bit, but he still couldn't look straight at Quatre without getting the urge to tear him to pieces.
After a while, Wufei decided that he needed to sleep and excused himself with a grunt, stalking off into the shadows to find a good place to rest for the night. Trowa watched him go and his hentai half gave him a prod.
"I think he has the right idea," He said quietly, catching Quatre's eye. Quatre blushed, but left the fire at the same time as Trowa did. Duo smirked.
"Bet he'll be having another sleepless night tonight," the braided Shinigami commented.
That left just Duo and Heero.
After about 0.2 seconds of staring at each other in silence, Heero snapped and leapt up, diving on Duo and knocking him off his seat.
Duo had no complaints.

That night the creepy, twisted-looking woods echoed witrantrange sounds like:
*Rustle*
"Oww, Heero, there's a twig-*Snap!* Oh, that's better."
*Rustle*
"Oh! I know *that* isn't a twig! You really ARE the perfect soldier!"

Or:
"Trowa, that's not my tail!"
"I know."

Or even:
"Ahhhh!!"
"Mmmmhhh!"
"Harder!"
"Faster!"
"Yes!!!"
"Hey! Some of us are trying to SLEEP here!"
"Screw you, Wuffie!"
"No, screw me."
"I am!"
"Good, keep going!"
"My name is not WUFFIE!"
"Hey Wuffie, keep it down!"
"Hey Trowa, keep it up!"
"No problem."
"Purrrrr...."


Relena listened to the strange sounds coming through her crystal ball (Ohhh... Yes! Harder, Heero!), wishing she could see what was going on in the darkness. It sounded as though they were being attacked out there (In Relena's mind, that is. The word "Delusional" comes nowhere close.). She hoped Duo got eaten, or at least horribly mauled. She was slightly worried by the screams and cries coming from Heero, but she reasoned that a strong boy like him should be able to take care of himself.


Relena watched in her crystal as the five boys trudged out of the woods and into a huge field of flowers, looking very tired and dishevelled. She smiled and waved her hands over her magic crystal, sending a sleeping spell to the boys. She would have her Heero no matter what it took! She would save him from that horrid demon Maxwell and they would live happily ever after, just like fairy tales were SUPPOSED to be.


Wufeilowelowed the others through the flowery field, stomping on as many butterflies as he could. Why was it that everyone was getting some action except him? He sneezed and twitched his ears miserably. And hay fever to boot, how nice. He watched the four boys ahead of him walking along, tired but happy, and looked disgusted at the way Quatre and Duo were putting flowers in each other's hair.
"Hey, is anyone else suddenly really tired?" Duo asked, yawning. Wufei rolled his eyes.
"No," Quatre answered, "Maybe it's the flowers?"
Heero yawned; looking annoyed at his weakness, then collapsed, snoring, in the middle of the field.
"Hey Heero, this isn't a good place to sleep!" Duo murmured, then collapsed on top of him. Quatre blinked as Wufei muttered "Injustice..." and collapsed as well. He looked at Trowa.
"Um, what's going on?" He asked. Trowa looked at each of the sleeping boys and smirked.
"Spell." He said, then dived on Quatre, knocking him to the floor and looking evil.
"Everyone else is asleep, I don't think they'll mind if we..." He trailed off, reaching down to kiss Quatre. The cat yelped in surprise, blushing, and looked up at Trowa once he'd paused for breath.
"Here? Now? But-but- Ohh!" He was cut off by Trowa's lips again.
"Yes." Trowa smirked.

In her home on some cloud somewhere not important; Sally the good witch watched the scene in the field of flowers.
"Jeez, and I thought MUNCHKINS were horny. I guessad bad better help the others, wake them up. Shame to ruin Trowa and Quatre's fun, though!" She laughed to herself, waving her hand over her crystal dish.

Just as Trowa and Quatre were getting to the good parts, the bits that are so X-rated they're illegal, the heavens opened and it suddenly began to pour with rain. Quatre yelped and scrambled up, pulling his clothes on as Trowa did the same and they both stood, trying to look innocent as Heero, Duo and Wufei all woke up, swearing.
"What the hell just happened?" Heero demanded. Quatre blushed violently and Trowa smirked.
"You fell asleep, then it rained, and now you're awake." He supplied, stalking off towards the green blob on the horizon that was the Emerald city. Duo, Heero, Quatre and Wufei all shrugged and followed him, and Wufei began to strongly suspect that he was the only sane person left in the world. Or wherever the hell they were, anyway.

Relena watched in her crystal ball as the boys got up and walked towards the Emerald city.
"Damnit." She muttered, deciding she needed a better plan.
She grabbed yet another pink broomstick and leapt out of the window on it, screaming all the way to the ground.
She climbed out of the crater, dusted herself off again and created another broomstick, this time actually managing to make it fly as she zipped up into the air and off towards the Emerald city.

TBC

Don't we all feel sorry for poor Wufei? Awww, I'll be nicer to him next time, don't worry!
Please review, and I may just manage to finish this fic if I get enough caffeine! Coffee, Tea, Coke, Sugar, Chocolate, Sleep! Here is a list of things I need.
Ja ne!