FLAME vs. FULLMETAL REDUX

Edward climbed out and stretched every limb like a cat on a sunny ledge. Alphonse looked at Edward a little worried when he heard sounds of all of Edward’s bones snapping and popping as the elder Elric stretched.

“Are you all right?” he asked.

“I’m fine. I just had to get everything back into place. I was turning into a pretzel on that seat,” Edward said. Then, changing the subject, he continued, “What should I make Mustang do as penance for losing? Clean the latrines with a toothbrush? Sing our national anthem in his underwear at reveille? Come on, Al, help me think of something sufficiently humiliating!”

“We can worry about this later. I’m just wondering what he will ask you to do if HE wins.”

“Probably all the shit I refuse to do now,” Edward said. “Like just last week he calls me into his office, hands me this receipt and orders me to pick up his uniforms at the cleaners! I tell him I’m an Alchemist not his fucking valet and then he turns around and gives me his food order from Wu Fei’s down the street. I look him dead in the eye and tell him I’m an Alchemist not a fucking delivery boy. But he doesn’t get the clue! He hands me a pile of folders telling me to type up his reports for him. I tell him I’m an Alchemist not your fucking secretary! He keeps trying to send me out on all these bullshit errands and I keep reminding him what my primary function is and he STILL doesn’t get it! I think its FUCKING OBVIOUS what is going to become of me if I lose to that guy!”

“Could be worse. He could put you in the kitchen scrubbing pots for a month!”

“True,” Edward agreed. “He could have me in there in dishwater until my auto-mail rusts out!”

“I think Winry coated it with something so it wouldn’t-

“AL!” Edward interrupted eyes flashing. “I know I can’t rust!” He sighed adding, “Sometimes you can be such a kill-joy! I was having FUN pondering my possible future misery. Why did you have go and spoil it?”

When Alphonse realized how hard his leg had just been pulled he shoved Edward hard making his laughing brother land on his back. He loomed over his elder brother saying, “I hate it when I fall for your bad jokes!”

“You fall for them because you are always so damn serious! I wish you would lighten up a little! I miss the sound of your laugh.”

Alphonse saw the love in his brother’s eyes and sighed. Edward always tried so hard to be strong for both of them. He tried his best to make things bearable until they could find a way to be normal again. Edward had a warm heart that he hid behind a sharp tongue. Anyone who bothered to get to know him figured out right away all that attitude was just a shield he used to hide behind. Only a handful of people knew the real Edward Elric. And Alphonse knew it was probably going to stay that way for a long time…

“Well, I would laugh if you actually said something funny!” Alphonse told him.

Now it was Edward’s turn to get teased. He got to his feet saying as he leaped into their martial arts exercise, “Okay, Tin Head. Time for you to loosen those joints!”

Sparring with the limber Edward was always fun. Even though Alphonse knew he had to restrain himself in order to keep from accidentally hurting his brother, he still managed to enjoy himself. He liked watching Edward bound around like a jackrabbit as he attempted to land well placed kicks and punches. Every time they practiced Alphonse was convinced Edward’s hand-to-hand skills improved. He felt their Sensei would be proud of how much they have progressed in the years since they left the dojo.

By the time he had had enough Edward’s chest was shiny with perspiration and his hair looked like it had been caught in a rainstorm. His jacket and shirt had been stripped off early on so they were still dry and sweet smelling. Their practice session had drawn quite a few onlookers and Edward blushed when he caught Major Hawkeye eying his half-naked form appreciatively. On their last mission she had gotten to see him in a whole lot less and it was because of that Edward was so embarrassed. She was Colonel Mustang’s right hand man, so to speak, and as such was in command when the Colonel wasn’t around.

“You fight good,” she commented when he walked past her.

“Thanks.”

“The showers are that way,” she pointed out the location and he nodded. “And sleeping quarters are there,” she finished indicating a long building that backed up to a fence. He nodded that he understood and she took a step closer to him to make sure only he would hear her and added with a saucy wink, “I’m in room three.”

Edward took a step back quickly saying, “Thank you, Major. If you don’t mind, I’m hitting the showers.”

She smiled at him, “Dismissed.”

Edward gave her a quick jaunty salute before heading off double time to the shower. His brother followed him to the building but didn’t go inside. Edward grabbed a towel and soap from the dispensing area and looked for an empty stall. The place was steamy from all the people who had used it before and were using it now. The first unoccupied one he found he ducked into and stood under the hot water for a long time. It felt good to be clean and the hot water washed away all the tenseness in his muscles. Now all he needed was a good meal and he would be able to sleep like the dead tonight.

As he was drying off some familiar voice caught his attention. It was Lieutenant Havoc and he was going on about some camp followers who were in the bunkhouse entertaining the troops with native dancing, music and more if you had the money to pay for it. Edward rolled his eyes. He was not in the mood to hear about how to get himself a fifty-woolong a night hooker. Other people might be dumb enough to take the risk but he wasn’t. A few minutes of fun were not worth the chance of getting a fatal disease. If he were going to sleep with someone it would be because he cared for them not because he paid them to do it.

“Hey, Ed, how’s it going?” he heard Havoc greet him from the other side of his door.

How did he….Oh. Edward looked down and realized he was easy to pick out even if only his feet were showing. That auto-mail leg of his was a dead giveaway. “I’m fine.” Edward replied. “But I’m starving!”

“Oh, there’s food and some really nice entertainment in the bunkhouse. You should check it out!”

“Maybe after I eat,” Edward lied.

“Okay, catch you later!”

“Right.”

Well no way he was going to the bunkhouse. He wanted to sleep and he had a feeling he wouldn’t get any if he went in there. There was a barn in the complex. Maybe he could crawl into a mountain of hay and crash there. Wouldn’t be the first time he’d done that. He quickly got dressed, fixed his hair, and left the bathhouse. Alphonse was where he left him right by the front door.

“Feel better?” his brother asked.

“Yeah, much,” Edward replied smiling up at him.

“There is a party of some kind going on in the bunkhouse. You can hear it all the way from out here.”

“I know, Al. Havoc told me about it.”

“Are you going to go?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I’m tired and hungry and just not in the mood to spend a night with a bunch of drunken debauched army guys.”

“Even if the Colonel was there wearing a lampshade on his head?” Alphonse jested.

“Only if I had a camera so I could blackmail him later!” Edward cracked back.

The two brothers had a laugh at Mustang’s expense as they headed over to the mess hall. The duo were surprised to find the Colonel was at mess having dinner with Major Hawkeye and a couple of other officers Edward didn’t know all that well.

“Guess it’s an enlisted-only party,” Edward observed.

“Or maybe he was afraid of you and your camera,” Alphonse offered.

Edward snickered.

They got a table to themselves and Edward left his brother alone while he went to get his food. Alphonse sensed he was being watched and, when he looked over his shoulder, his gaze met Colonel Mustang’s. He gave the Colonel a nervous hello wave before turning around and facing straight ahead. I hope he doesn’t ask us to go over there and join him, Alphonse thought to himself. Edward is actually acting like a human being right now. I don’t want that to stop.

Edward saw his brother staring blankly at the wall in front of him and asked, “Al, what are looking at?”

“Anything but them,” he responded subtly indicating the table where Mustang was.

“Okaaaaaaay,” Edward said not getting it but going along with it anyway.

“Fullmetal, why don’t you join us?” the brothers heard Major Armstrong’s booming voice invite from two tables away.

“Say no Ed,” Alphonse said.

“Why?”

“Because every time you and the Colonel get together you both go from human beings to a pair of monkeys throwing poo at each other!”

Edward burst out laughing. “Yeah, we do have a tendency to reverse Darwin’s theories when we’re in the same space.” He sensed Alphonse was not in the mood to listen to him and the Colonel exchange barbs so he called back to Armstrong, “Thanks but we wanted to have some brother time tonight.”

Armstrong let it go and when Edward sat down Alphonse said quietly, “Thanks.”

“Sure. I can understand you not being in the mood to be the shovel and bucket guy stuck cleaning up after the apes.”

“A night off from that job would be nice for a change.”

Edward grinned. “I can live without my daily dose of Mustang’s sarcasm.”

“You are no slouch in the verbal assault department yourself brother.”

“Oh? Does this mean you actually find some of our exchanges amusing?”

“Occasionally,” Alphonse admitted. “When the two of you don’t dissolve into a couple of two year olds fighting over a single shovel in the sandbox.”

Edward smiled at that. He was the first to admit there were times when he and Mustang did squabble like a couple of brats but usually their disagreements didn’t dissolve into name calling and spell-casting. At least at all their public spats they managed to keep it professional. It was when they were alone in Mustang’s office that things often degenerated into Mustang attempting to bully Edward into doing something and Edward telling him where to shove it. Had he been anyone else he doubted he would get away with the level of crap he often unloads on his commanding officer. He probably would have been court-martialed or shot or both ages ago.

“You know, Al, the only reason I think I still have a pulse is that the Old Man actually LIKES me,” Edward observed.

“The Colonel does like you,” Alphonse said. “He likes you better when you aren’t acting like a jerk.”

“I only act like a jerk when he starts being an asshole!” Edward defended. “I’m sorry, Al, but I was never cut out to be in the military. This all just kind of happened.”

“But you know what’s expected of you. You’re a State Alchemist and I have heard you quoting regulations whenever it was to you advantage to do so.”

Edward’s face broke into a devilish grin. “Of course, you have to know the rules in order to bend them.”

“Bend them? Brother, you turn the rules into corkscrews.”

Edward laughed, not so much at what his brother said but that deadpan delivery of his was killer. “Yeah, I know,” he admitted. “I think Mustang is secretly sorry he took me on. I think he wishes it were YOU who were the Fullmetal Alchemist! I think I’m the reason he drinks so much!”

Alphonse shook his head. “There are days I’m sure he thinks you are more trouble than you’re worth. But he just endures because he knows there is more to you than what you let the world see.”

Edward raised an eyebrow. “You really think an old warhorse like Mustang is that perceptive?”

“Yes.”

“Guess he shows he’s got a few brain cells whenever he’s around you,” Edward remarked. “Somehow he always manages to spare me that.”

Changing the subject Alphonse asked, “Do you really think you’re ready to challenge Mustang again?”

“Oh, hell yeah!”

Alphonse glanced over his shoulder at the Colonel’s table and noticed Mustang was looking in their direction. However, his attention was focused on Edward. He looked like a hawk that had just caught site of a lone rabbit on an open field. Having his brother being studied like he was prey was making Alphonse nervous.

“This could be a mistake.”

“Nah,” Edward said cocky as always. “It’ll be fun.”

“It won’t be fun if you lose.”

Edward shrugged. “Oh, well, so I’ll be stuck being an overeducated errand boy for a while. As long as I’m not playing step-and-fetch-it in my boxers I’ll be fine.”

The image of Edward carrying dry cleaning, books and a bag of Chinese take-out while clad only in his underwear flashed through Alphonse’s brain and he twitched. “I think the Colonel isn’t going to do anything that childish. Making someone run errands in their underpants is more your speed.”

Edward grinned and made no effort to deny it. He did have those rare moments when he would play the odd sophomoric prank but, for the most part, Edward was more mature than many of the people in his unit. There were times when soldiers he served with would forget he was only sixteen. The he would open his mouth and make an observation that was a combination of profound and crude and everyone’s memories would be instantly jogged. It was acknowledged Edward was a prodigy – actually both of them were considered gifted in the brains department – but Edward was attracted more attention because he was the more vocal of the pair.

Getting Edward to shut up could at times be a challenge.

Alphonse looked back at Mustang again. The Colonel noticed him looking gave him a sly smile. Alphonse turned back quickly saying, “He’s plotting something.”

“Of course he is!” Edward responded like he wasn’t at all surprised. “So am I! You think we’re going into this without a plan?”

“What is your plan?”

“I can sum it up in three words: Useless when wet.”

Alphonse was stunned. “That’s cheating,” he whispered.

“No its not. It’s using an opponent’s weakness against them. Soak Mustang and he can’t use his flame.”

“Bind your hands apart and you are equally useless.”

“True,” Edward admitted. “So we each have an Achilles heel that can be exploited. The stratagem is not to get into a position where your opponent can take advantage of your short comings.”

“I still think this has the potential to go wrong.”

Edward resumed eating not thinking his brother’s observation required a comment. As he was about to dive into a rather large slice of apple pie a hand giving his shoulder a paternal squeeze distracted him. Edward looked at the gloved hand and recognized the Alchemy circle painted on it was the pattern of the Flame Alchemist. Edward looked up at Roy Mustang, who smiled slightly at him.

“Will tomorrow at noon work into your busy schedule Mr. Elric?” Mustang inquired with a tinge of humor coloring his voice.

“I think I might be able to squeeze you in,” Edward replied in an equally amused tone.

“One question, what size are you?”

“That measuring tape you’re holding won’t be long enough.”

Mustang slapped the back of Edward’s head sharply. “I was talking about your jacket!”

Edward was laughing in spite of the pain. “I’m a thirty-two. Why?
”
“Just making sure the uniform will fit.”

“What uniform?”

“The one you’ll be wearing when you’re my personal servant for the next week.”

Edward grinned finding Mustang’s attempt at a psyche out funny. “Nice try, Colonel. But after I win everyone in the company is going to find out the answer to this burning question: Roy Mustang, boxers or briefs!”

“Cute,” Mustang said not amused.

“Hey, loser does what the winner wants so long as it isn’t harmful or illegal. I believe those were the terms of the wager,” Edward reminded him his gold eyes glinting evilly.

“You really are a little boy.”

“WHO ARE YOU CALLING LITTLE?” Edward demanded on his feet and as in his face as he could get while being a full head shorter than Mustang.

Alphonse hung his head. “Here we go again.”

Mustang grabbed Edward by his arms and picked him straight up so they were face to face. Edward glared at him as he hung there with his feet off the floor. “You do realize you are completely defenseless right now,” Mustang pointed out.

“If you ever want to reproduce you’ll put me down,” Edward threatened.

Mustang glanced down and noticed Edward was in a great position to kick his Auto-mail foot into a spot that would be excruciating painful. “You wouldn’t dare.”

Edward looked him dead in the eye. “Oh?”

Mustang put him down quickly.

Once he was free Edward quipped, “Psyche!”

The look on Edward’s face told him the boy would never have dared to kick him THERE. Edward got him good this time. “You turd.”

Edward snickered. “See you tomorrow. Don’t forget your matches!”

Mustang made a step towards Edward like he intended to bop him but Edward quickly made his escape with his brother struggling to keep up. His superiors and those in his unit often wondered why he put up with Edward’s insubordination and, at times, outright disrespect for authority. They didn’t know how incredibly brilliant and talented Edward was or that he could do Alchemy many practitioners twice his age couldn’t do. He was barely twelve when he performed a Soul Binding. That was a working Mustang himself wouldn’t dream of attempting. When he first came to Central it was because he was such a prodigy that his poor behavior was tolerated. Now Mustang put up with t because, unlike the rest of his men, Edward Elric was a challenge. Unlike the others, the only way he would ever get Edward Elric to respect him would be to do something to earn it. Outranking him was not enough.

High noon tomorrow was going to be interesting…..
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The NEXT chapter will be more interesting (and fun) too!!!