Stargazer

Author’s note: It’s me again! I had more free time and a certain review filed me with such inspiration, I just had to write some more! My cat has been hovering around my legs the whole time meowing for me to go to bed. Heehee.

Disclaimer: I do not own any aspect of DBZ in any way, shape or form. Don’t we all wish we did though. Heh.


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Chapter two


“Well, what?” the smaller saiyajin pressed when the other stopped. For a moment Goku simply held eye contact, then slowly a wistful smile graced his lips. He shook his head and the light in his eyes softened. He had decided before facing the difficult man that he would be as patient as he could. He could wait forever, so long as this ordeal came to a reasonable solution that didn’t involve someone being torn apart, physically or otherwise. Although, compared to some of the things he might be feeling later on, physical pain wasn’t really much of a worry.

“I still don’t understand why you feel ashamed of the intimacy we shared.” he stated, watching carefully for the prince’s reaction. As he has expected, Vegeta averted his stare out into the night darkened trees and shifted slightly, signaling that he was uncomfortable. And when Vegeta felt uncomfortable, things tended to get real nasty, real fast.

“I am not. Baka.” he snapped, but the tip of his tail twitched nervously and he knew that it was sort of pointless to try to lie to the other saiyajin. He glanced at the taller man’s face and saw his smile sadden somewhat. That look tugged at his heart and for a moment guilt welled up in his chest. If you loved someone, shouldn’t you make them happy instead of causing them pain? As soon as the thought came unbidden, however, the elder of the two cut its train abruptly. Love? He mentally growled at himself. Love?!

‘Yes... love’ it was as if a small, timid voice were trying to reach him. ‘It is not so hard a concept to understand.’

‘I do not feel love...’ he countered, feeling a little odd that he was arguing with himself. It didn’t really surprise him, though. He supposed a lifetime without companionship had finally begun to take its toll on him. ‘I cannot feel love.’ he answered levelly.

‘But you are in love, and you are not alone.’

‘No. He and I are not meant for one another.’

‘But in this you are wrong,’ the fragile, meek voice was growing stronger, bolder in its statements. ‘Though you may deny it, you know that somewhere deep down your soul is screaming, and the name of the one that it so craves sits at your side.’

‘You know that I cannot do that to him. I cannot let him in. I cannot share myself with him and he is so willing to give all of himself to me.’

‘You could give yourself completely, if you would only learn that not everyone is out to hurt you...’

‘But there are many other things that I am not willing to share... I could not bear the shame if anyone knew... he would turn from me. Mock me. Call me weak.’

‘But that is not his way, is it? That is yours. You strike at that which you feel threatened by by attacking it in the same manner that you yourself fear you will be. He is kind and he is in love with you. Let yourself take the fall. Make that leap of faith.’

‘I cannot to that to him. The unfairness of it even makes me feel ill. It is not right.’

‘Then make it right.’

‘...’

‘Try. Not everything in this life has to be a struggle. Not everything has to be about hurt and betrayal. You can feel safe. You will be protected and sheltered.’

‘I can take care of myself! I do not need a mate to hide behind! Im the Saiyajin no Ouji, and I am no coward.’

‘Yes, you are, prince...’ the voice seemed to take on a sad note. ‘And when you know the difference between taking care of yourself and allowing others to take care of you, not because you are helpless or need it but because both of you want it, then you will know. Until you understand yourself fully, you will never be able to have a relationship with anyone. How very sad for you.’

‘You dare to pity me?!’ he mentally snarled, his ki flickering for an instant before he suppressed it. He caught Goku staring at him with a knowing look. Gritting his teeth, he turned his focus back to the conversation at hand.

‘No, I do not pity you. I am disappointed in you. You think the word ‘mate’ and it thrills you down to your toes, because that word to you still means everything that it should. And yet... you shy away from it as if it will bite.’

The Ouji blinked and his frown deepened, the lines in his brow becoming more pronounced. He was speaking to himself, was he not? How could he be so opposed to himself? He looked out into the trees and tried to think through what had been said.

“Vegeta?” the other’s gentle tone brought him out of his musings and he grunted to show that he was listening. “So... why are you ashamed?”

“Kakarotto...” he began. He chewed his bottom lip in thought. An old habit. “I am honestly not ashamed. Making love is... It’s...” a bass growl rumbled up from his chest and spilled out his mouth. The sleek black whip of his tail flared out behind him with renewed frustration, the soft, shining fur glinting a deep, rich blue occasionally whenever it hit a stray patch of moonlight. “I am a monster, Kakarotto. I murder. It is in my blood. Love has never fit in anywhere in my life.”

That strange little smile was back again. “But you said you did, and you know that I certainly feel that way for you. It’s not possible for two people to make love if there isn’t at least a little shared between the partners.” he pointed out, sweeping a hand through his unruly midnight spikes. His gaze was captivated by the frenzied, hypnotic dance of the other’s furred appendage.

Vegeta shook his head and pressed the flat of his palm to his throbbing temple, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to block out the flood of mental images and the emotions attached to them that as hard and as often as he denied it, he had felt. That he had always felt on some level.

The earth saiyajin silently studied the other. He was clearly battling with himself, as he always did. “You know, vegeta. You make things so much more complicated than they have to be.” He stated.

“... I don’t know any other way to be...” came the prince’s soft spoken reply. A lifetime of weariness and hardship poured out into that simple sentence, and the moment he heard himself speak, he regretted it. What the hell was wrong with him?! Why was he being so damned weak! Even as he talked himself down, however, a ghost of that little voice was telling him that he was not being weak, just honest. There was nothing wrong with being honest. After all, the other had always told him the truth, had he not? Vegeta despised liars. He was certainly not one. Honesty... he could do that. But another whisper in the darkest corners of his mind was saying, yeah right. And what are you going to tell him? That you’re afraid? Afraid of closeness, of being completed by another’s love? Of giving your own love for fear of being hurt? Rejected for the blood that stains your hands and the things that you have done and the crimes that you have committed? I think not. Secretly, he agreed with that voice.

Goku laughed inwardly to himself. He even turned plain, matter of fact statements into things with underlying meanings and complexities.

“...are you afraid of something?” He saw the prince’s eyes flinch and for a moment his deep obsidian orbs revealed the triumph that he felt. A-hah. So, Vegeta was afraid. He thought it made perfect sense. The other might not have been aware, but he did know a number of things about him that he assumed he didn’t. Or maybe he wasn’t feigning ignorance... maybe, he truly believe that no one cared enough about him to find out anything. Goku cared. Why couldn’t he see that?

‘I do care for him.’ the stubborn man admitted to himself, but a new voice was there to steer him in the other direction.

‘Then you must let him go. He would be your toy. Your play thing. Do you want to do that to him, hmm? Is it your wish to humiliate him as you have been humiliated?’

‘No! Of course I don’t!’ he denied fiercely, annoyed within himself for even daring to think of such a possibility. ‘I would never do that to him.’

‘You love him.’

The Ouji was growing tired of having this argument, with himself no less. His mind picked out a strange representation of his predicament; one of the ningen cartoons that his son watched where a black and white cat had an angel version of itself on one shoulder and a demonic version on the other, both whispering in its ear. A small smirk tugged at the corners of his mouth, but he suppressed it and remained stony faced and agitated. ‘I cannot love.’

‘Then you have used him.’ the voice that spoke and at the same time was never there reasoned. ‘You lied to him and then you toyed with him and after that you left him. Now he has followed you because your deceit has led him to believe that you have tender feelings for him as he does for you. You break his heart and if what you say is true, it should not be yours to break, even if he gives it freely to you.’

‘That’s not true! I did not use him!’ he protested, his level of distress peaking. Dimly, he was aware of the earth saiyajin’s attentions on him, but his eyes were averted elsewhere so as to give him the illusion of privacy while he dealt with his inner demons.

‘If you say you do not love him, then you used him.’

‘No.’

‘If you say you do not love him, then how was it possible for you to make love with him? You know that it was different. You know that it meant something to you, the both of you. Or are you saying that your encounter was nothing more than a tryst? A one night stand with no meaning at all? You know that it was not a simple case of slaking your lust. You have never lusted after him before. You, the cold, hard prince, so self sufficient and proud, allowed yourself to be held in another’s arms. If you deny this, then you have lied to him and all he was was a good lay.’

‘I would not do that to him...I... ’

‘Love him?’

‘...’

‘When you can answer these questions honestly to yourself, and to him, give me a call.’

Vegeta’s head was pounding quite steadily by this time and he groaned as light spots danced just on the edge of his vision. His confusion continued to build and his thoughts became more muddled, but no matter how badly jumbled his thoughts were, there were still those that were much more clearer than he’d have liked to recall. Eyes. His eyes, they looked at him with such an intensity, with such hope and compassion, with.... love. The other’s eyes spoke without sound, but they penetrated his defenses, the years of walls and shields and intricate little traps that he’d woven about himself to protect his very core. He could remember something within him that wanted it, craved it... he had needed it, to see that look. He had needed it his entire life. Falling... he fell into those eyes and wanted only to hold his heart against the warmth within their depths and melt the ice that encased his soul.

“Kakarotto.... I...” he started, unsure of why he was speaking or what exactly he was planing on saying. His head was drumming painfully like one of those instruments ningen were so fond of and he thought that the world was just a little bit fuzzy around the edges. What was happening to him? “I think...”

At the mention of his name, the other immediately gave the prince all of his attention. “Yes?”


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Oh no! The end of chapter 2! ^_^ It drives me absolutely nuts when really excellent stories do that to me, and here I am, dishing out the same horror. Of course, I would never even think to pretend that my writing is that good.


pixelgoddess- My first reviewer! *huggles* I don’t think I could ever tell you enough times how much I love and admire your work. At least, not without writing a novel about it. Heehee. I am very flattered that you would take the time to read and review my story. It’s really a confidence booster for me. Thank you very much. It is true that the two at this point in time are not friends, and there is a major issue that they need to work out that’s got Goku very distracted.

Schwarzwald- thank you for the review! It made me happy. I’m glad that you’re enthusiastic about my fic. I will try very hard not to disappoint you. ^__^