Lonely Desire

Pairings: Athrun x Kira, less Dearka x Yzak

Disclaimer: I don\'t own anything of Gundam SEED. :( Pitty!

Warnings: This fanfic contains male/male relationship(s). Masturbation. It is going to get even more sexualy explicit in the chapters to come. If you don\'t like such things you\'d better avoid reading it for your own good.
I forgot to write it in the warning of the first chapter, but there are spoilers up to the end of Gundam SEED, and even if I don’t plan to include the GSDestiny development in my plot (for now) I might slip at some moment.

Comment: This is mostly Athrun’s POV and it turned out a lot more difficult than Kira’s. Sorry that there is still no progress in the storyline, but I do need to create some background in order to explain their feelings for each other. I intend to move with actual plot at some moment. I have the next 3 chapters already willing to jump from my mind into the computer, so I might actually update this very soon (as in 2-3 days). Than you for your reviews, I hope you’ll like this chapter and don’t hesitate to share your opinion or ideas as to how I should this move ahead. Well there’s some spoiler for what comes in the third next chapter. Athrun is in for a cold shower. Kira has prepared a very nasty surprise and Athrun is the one to get hurt because of it.
EDIT: 22.10.2005 Edited by Mat


Chapter TWO


Confused Desire

It was time he started acting. What was enough, was enough. He had given Kira years to grow up and to notice that right beside him was the one person that would gladly die for him. And what did he get?

First there had been Fllay. That he understood, even if jealousy had been eating him alive at that time. But since he – Athrun – had been away and fighting Kira, he could somehow accept the brunet’s flirt with that Natural girl. What he couldn’t accept though, was the way she had treated his Kira. That was unforgivable.

And the other thing he hated her so much for, was the fact that it had been her and not him who introduced Kira to the pleasure of the physical love. This was something that should have been reserved for him. Besides Kira deserved that his first time was with someone that truly loved him and cared for his wellbeing and that… woman…, was nothing of the likes.

It was a good thing she was no longer a part of Kira’s life. No one deserved death, not even her, but somewhere deep in his heart Athrun was happy that she would never, ever, again come between Kira and him.

But when he was thinking of making the risky step of revealing his feelings he got another slap across his face. Kira started pulling away from him.

Was he aware of Athrun’s feelings? Was he disgusted? Was this the reason why he avoided meeting him? And he somehow felt it was HIM Kira was avoiding and not the others.


* flashback *

“Kira.” Kira’s face remained soft and dreamy, his eyes looking somewhere, but with a look that clearly stated his mind had drifted away in his own universe.

“Kira!” Athrun’s hand landed on the other boy’s shoulder. Kira jumped startled and backed away from Athrun’s touch. The green-eyed boy’s guts froze at this unconscious rejection. Recently Kira avoided his touch, nothing like the time when they would sleep in the same bed or embrace for no reason. Harsher than he initially intended Athrun asked “Where were you?”

Kira looked at him his eyes still hazy. “Ah, it’s nothing, really. Were you saying something, Athrun?”

“No, Cagalli asked you three times if you approve of the movie we chose to see tomorrow?”

Kira hesitantly looked around the room and saw that everyone’s gaze was on him. He couldn’t stay in the cinema, close to Athrun, watching some romantic drama, since that was what Cagalli and Lacus usually wanted to see and since no one really desired to watch stupid war actions or dramas after what they’ve been trough, there wasn’t much of a choice anyway. “Uh, I can’t. I’m sorry.” His face was apologetic. “I have already made plans for tomorrow and I can’t change them.”

“What plans? What is more important than your friends and your twin-sister?” Came the slightly irritated and strongly curious voice of Cagalli. Kira bowed his head to hide the slight pink shade his cheeks had suddenly attained. He hated when his sister would turn like this. Her eyes started glowing with dangerous light. “There’s a girl, right!” She stated this triumphantly.

Kira was speechless for a moment. He just stared at her as the idea settled in his mind. That was the answer he needed. He kept his voice firmly in control, because he couldn’t risk alarming the others that something was wrong and carefully admitted “Yes! As a matter of fact, there is!”

Those words bore a hole in Athrun’s heart and he could feel blood dripping from the raw wound. Kira couldn’t be in love. Not again. Why wouldn’t Kira notice him? Why would he keep going to people who didn’t know him and ended hurt?
“…she like, what’s her name?” Cagalli’s words snapped him back to attention.

“Ai” came Kira’s answer after a soft mimic of his face. That was what made Athrun hurt even more. That face was once reserved for him only, and if the brunet had it now around the other 4 of their company, that he could accept, but some strange girl. And by the name of “Ai”… (A/N: “ai” in Japanese means “love”)

* end of flashback *


Ever since that time Kira would spend a lot of time with Ai and in result they had met only 5 times in the last 11 weeks, each time for a short period. But today they were leaving for somewhere and that Ai girl was NOT coming. This was his possibility and he was not taking any chances. Kira will have to hear what he had to say! Somehow…


Athrun grabbed his bag and went out. He had enough time to go to Kira’s place and have a little talk with him before the others came. He sat in the car and started the engine. He had at least 20 minutes drive till he got to his destination, so he could organize his thoughts one last time, but first he had to call Cagalli and tell her that he’ll be as Kira’s.

After Athrun put down the phone he started to think what to do in the next few days in order to get Kira back closer. And eventually find the way to his bed and his heart.

Kira was everything to him. His first kiss was with Kira. Not that the latter knew. It was in the last night they spent together before he moved back to PLANT.


* flashback *

As it happened quite often with them they went to sleep in separate beds only to have one of them sneak in the other’s bed some time during the night.

Athrun awoke first. Kira was in his bed and his soft warm body was tightly pressed towards Athrun’s, his back against the younger boy\'s chest and his rear right at Athrun’s lap. Athrun felt his morning arousal get even firmer cradled between their bodies. He couldn’t resist and bent forward to plant a soft kiss on Kira’s sweet lips and later on his shoulder. He licked the skin and the taste of Kira made him drunk. The other boy sighed lightly and snuggled closer in Athrun who had hard time suppressing his moans as his friend’s backside rubbed his hard member. He felt that the brunet was about to awaken and swiftly got out of bed, in order to hide his body’s reaction. He was almost in the bathroom when he heard Kira stir in bed.

“Athrun?” came the still husky from the sleep voice.

“In the bathroom. Give me 5 minutes!” He closed the door and leaned on it. He went under the shower and felt the cool water soothe him. Then in his mind’s eye he saw Kira the way he was only a few moments ago and the pain is his crotch grew stronger. He grabbed his member and still envisioning his beautiful friend started pumping. Pleasure came all over him as he reached his peak and soft moan with Kira’s name exited his lips.

* end of flashback *


Recently, replaying all that had happened between Kira and him ever since they met, Athrun had realized that most of his actions were one way or another influenced by his feelings towards his beloved, even before he had conscious realization that this feeling he had towards Kira was love.

The first thing that he had noticed was that the one reason he had never objected his arranged engagement to Lacus was not because he had loved her, since he had always known his feeling had been nothing more that friendship and care, it was because she was like a female version of Kira. She had the same caring tender attitude, the same tendency to put anybody else’s needs before her own. The same desire to help and be there for the other not expecting anything in return. She never pressed the other person for more than he was willing to give. Just like Kira was!

Athrun had been really disturbed by the attraction he had felt towards Kira before they separated, but when his body never reacted to another man he had started to think that what had happened with Kira was due to his raging hormones at that time. He had later had a few relationships with girls before his engagement to Lacus, but nothing serious, and even after, he had slept with a girl once in a while, but he had always been careful to be discrete. He had never wanted to hurt Lacus’ feelings, even though he was pretty sure she was not in love with him.

Then there was Cagalli. He didn’t like what he had found out about himself when he had digged in for his real reasons to start a relationship with her. At first it had all been because she had been there the first moments after the thought of him killing Kira had sunk in his mind and later it had been like a way to feel closer to the friend he considered lost forever. She had known a part of Kira’s life that had been unknown to him and Athrun could share that part of his friends life through Cagalli. But the reason to continue his flirt with Cagalli even after he had found out Kira was alive had been anger, jealousy and desire to hurt his friend as much as was hurting. By that time he had already understood his feelings towards his long time friend, only to face the fact that Kira had been dating (and sleeping with!) Fllay, the single most annoying girl ever, and later he had moved to Lacus.

Somehow he had felt much worse when he had thought of Kira with Lacus than with Fllay, because if he had been able to openly hate the Natural girl, the bitch that she had been, he realized that Lacus was like a perfect half to complement to Kira. This had made him feel pathetic. Instead of being happy for his friend, who had finally found a girl that would make him happy and would never do anything to hurt him, he had felt jealousy of both of them. He had been jealous of Kira for being happy without Athrun, and he had been even more jealous of Lacus, who had been with his precious amethyst-eyed beloved.

He clung to his relationship with Cagalli as he would to a rope to salvage himself from drowning into selfpity and selfhatred. But only month after the end of the war it was Cagalli who had approached him and had told him that she had not really been in love with him and what was more that she had been confident he was not mad about her either. He had admitted to it being true and they had remained friends after that. And since he was her bodyguard as Kira was Lacus’, he remained around her and grew to know her better and realized that she deserved better than him anyway.

Kira and Lacus also broke up, though they had never actually been more than friends. Yet between them had remained a mutual understanding that was almost uncanny. Which was another reason to be jealous of her. He knew he was not being sensible, he just couldn’t help it.

Athrun wondered how was he to approach Kira and make him consider a relationship with another boy as a possibility. It was not like Kira was homophobic, no! He was always supportive of Dearka and Yzak’s relationship, happy for his friends. But he had never so much as hinted that HE might even remotely like another boy.

Athrun realized that he was only one block from Kira’s home and he had no idea what reason to use in order to excuse his unexpected arrival. Especially since recently Kira wouldn’t invite anyone, not even his twin-sister to his home. Could he be living with the Ai girl? He had fervently refused to present her to his friends under different excuses and they were all amused how possessive he sounded of her. Was he so deeply in love that he didn’t want to share her presence with his friends? Athrun was afraid to even think about such possibility.

He parked at the visitor’s place and suddenly felt all his bravery melting as snow in sunlight. He raised his head to the skies as if pleading for some heavenly support. Not a single sign appeared, not that he really expected anything to happen. He was alone in this. And this was what his fate, happiness and even, as pathetic as it sounded, life depended on, because he was not sure he would be able to live if Kira rejected him totally. He was not sure he even wanted to live like that – being close to Kira and see him with another person. The step he was about to make was on a road that could lead to his eternal bliss or his utter downfall in despair.

He drew a deep breath and rang the bell.

@ Anna92 : Thank you for my first review and for your support 
@ Kenz, Kimi & AsuKira chick: Glad you like it, hope I won’t disappoint you in the future and thanks for your compliments.
@ AsuKira: Thanks for the compliment on my vocabulary, and for the pleasure your fanfics bring me.

Thanks to all who read this, I hope you enjoy it!