Housework

A/N So, this morning when I went to start posting, I got the first bit done and realized I had ten minutes to get to work. Sorry about that, duty called. Here's the first real chapter. Please review and let me know if what you think, any suggestions are welcome. The chapter has been updated, fixed, and expanded a little tiny bit.

The beginning

Colonel Roy Mustang sat staring at the pile of paperwork that graced his desk with it's presence. He listened carefully for Hawkeye's steps. She had received a phone call and, after issuing a warning about shirking his duties, had left to find Havoc. He pondered this for a second, then dismissed it in favor of his more immediate issue. Housework. Because he never took dates there, and almost lived out of the office, he had been lax in keeping up with the daily chores. The place was, he admitted to himself, a complete disaster. Still, he wasn't about to pay someone to clean it for him, so he would just have to do it himself. Maybe he should get married. He shuddered at the thought. No, that was definitely not the answer.

His gaze fell to the pile on his desk. He examined the top sheet idly noting it was a report on the slave auctions, listing past and possible future dates and locations of sales. 'Wouldn't that be perfect?' he thought, 'For a small sum, someone to cook and clean and not complain.' He smiled to himself and shook his head. Then he stopped, a small frown appearing on his forehead. 'Why not? I could find someone and get the auctions shut down. I'd get paid back by the military and a coup like this would look great on my record. If I find one young enough, I could be it's guardian and keep it too! This is such a wonderful idea! I'm a genius.' He basked in his imagined glory for a moment, before rushing to the door, opening it as Hawkeye lifted her hand to knock. She arched an eyebrow at him, looked at the untouched paperwork, and fingered her gun.

“I need Major Hughes, right now! Tell him I want to see pictures of Elysia, that'll get him here.” He backed into his office and slammed the door.

Five minutes later, it burst open again. Maes Hughes stood in the doorway, clutching a rather large photo album. “I'm so glad you want to see pictures of my darling Elysia! I only brought ones from the last week, but I can get more. Just wait until you see her, she's already three and she does the cutest things...” He blabbed on for half an hour before Roy couldn't sit still anymore. He had been steadily signing papers without reading them and was almost finished. He reached over and flipped the album closed.

“Maes, I'm going to buy a slave and shut down those auctions.” He held out the report to show his friend.

Hughes stared, blinked, and stared again. “Huh? How? Why?”

“I'm going to buy a slave and have proof to shut down those auctions and lock those men up for good. Why, well, because I need someone to look after the house, and this is a great coup for our records.”

“Our?? Who said anything about our? I want nothing to do with this.” Maes was appalled at the idea of even going to a slave auction, never mind actually buying one. “Anyways, you can't go. Roy, you're famous, everyone knows what the Flame Alchemist looks like. You can't just walk into an illegal auction and not be recognized.”

Roy sighed, his friend was just not getting it. “That's why you're going to help me. I'll dye my hair, go in civilian clothes, and you'll do the talking. Nobody will recognize you, you're in the secret information division! I'll pick one out and you'll buy it. We'll be in and out in under an hour.”

Maes sighed too, he never could resist giving Roy what he wanted. “IF your plan works, and I still think it's stupid, what are you going to do with this person? It's not a pet, you can't just keep it.”

“That's the beauty of it, I can! I'll pick a girl, make her my ward, and she can cook and clean and it'll be perfect!” He stared into space for a moment, thinking of the calm evenings with a clean house and food ready for him when he got home.

“Roy, this is sick. You can't OWN a person, make it your house keeper just because. I think this paperwork has finally damaged that little brain of yours. Why don't we go for lunch and forget this whole plan?” Appealing to common sense might work, and free food bribery almost never failed.

The Colonel shook his head, a small smile on his face. “Maes, come on. I wouldn't own her for long, just until she's my ward. This will be an adventure, we'll be in the field again. First, we need to escape from the office and get ready. The sale is supposed to be this afternoon in a small town an hour away.” He stood and looked out the window. “You go distract Hawkeye and I'll sneak out. We'll meet at my place in half an hour.”

“Just a minute, I never said I was going to help. This is stupid, we'll get caught, if not by slavers then by Hawkeye. AND, you're a single man, they'll never let you have wardship of a young girl.”

“Sure they will. I'm a Colonel, a respected alchemist, and this will be the coup of the year; it won't be a problem. And you are going to help me, not only because you're the only one I can trust, but because if you don't, I'll burn that album and every other picture you have.”

“You wouldn't! You couldn't be so cruel!”

“Of course I would, now get out there and distract Hawkeye.”

Sigh, “Alright. Let's do it, but we better not screw up. I like my current rank, thank you very much.” He slumped a bit and shuffled to the door. Roy just smirked like he always did when he won.

Once the door closed behind him, Roy pressed his ear to it, listening to the voices and clip of Hawkeye's heels as she left the room. He peeked out and bolted for the door when he saw the room was empty. As he vaulted around the corner, he grabbed frantically at the door-frame to prevent himself from running into Hawkeye's back. She had stopped and was trying to excuse herself from Maes, stating duty required her presence in the office. Roy back-pedaled to his office, waving at Maes to keep her there. He paced for a moment and considered his options for a moment, then opened the window.

He hopped onto the sill and launched himself at the sturdy branch outside his window, which was a bit farther away than he had originally thought. The slim man managed to grasp the branch with both hands and dangled for a moment to contemplate his choices: drop, and risk turning an ankle or pull himself up and risk the time to get caught. Suddenly, he heard a strangled noise and looked down to see his friend staring up at him, Hawkeye at his side. She started to look up as well, and Maes did the only thing he could. He kissed her and ran, screaming apologies, for the car, followed closely by wildly aimed bullets. Roy took his chance, dropped from the branch and headed in the other direction as fast as he could go.

Fifteen minutes later, an impatient and slightly winded Colonel stood on the step of his house, holding his keys. Maes blew up and in a flurry of stomping and swearing inspected his flat tire and two new bullet holes. “Dammit Roy, what were you doing up there? I told you I would get her out of there!”

“Oh, and you were doing such a good job, I almost ran her down on the way out! And what were you thinking taking her out by my window?” Their voices were gaining in strength and volume.

“How was I supposed to know you would go out the window? If you weren't so impatient, we'd have been home free, but NO!! Now, we're both in trouble and I can't come around for at least a month. And what, exactly, am I supposed to tell Gracia?” By the last sentence, Maes was yelling, his green eyes dark with anger.

Roy smirked at him, “Tell her is was a sacrifice to save my life. And, unless you wish to make another, we'd better get going. This is the first place she'll look for us.”

At that, Maes paled and headed for Roy's car. “Let's go already.”

Two hours, a dye job, and a raid of Maes' closet later, the two officers were dressed and nearing the town. Roy had dark red hair and wore a blue hat, black pants, and a pale yellow shirt while Maes was dressed in jeans and a red shirt.

“I still can't believe I let you talk me into this.” he moaned from the passenger side.

“Quit whining and read the directions. Did you call General Hakuro to have a unit ready?”

“Yeah, yeah, they'll be here in half an hour and I'll go back in with them. You can take your girl home and get her settled. And get that paper work filled out tonight, you'll need to move fast to push this through.”

“Don't nag, it's unattractive. Havoc is bringing the forms by and he'll pick them up in the morning. It'll all be filed and official by noon tomorrow.”

The two men pulled into what appeared to be a market fair. “Are you sure this is it?”

“No, that's why we haven't caught these people yet. Let's go look and hope to hell we haven't fucked this up. You realize we'll both be demoted if we're wrong, right?” Maes looked around but saw no sign of their goal. He had been hesitant to call in General Hakuro, a major detractor of Roy's, but Roy had insisted in rubbing his opponent's nose in his own victory. 'This is such a bad idea.'

They wandered for awhile, alert for any sign of illegal sales. They finally wandered over to a small barn with two guards at the doors. Definitely the right place. Maes led the way, followed closely by Roy, straight past the doors. No challenge came and they passed into one of war's hells.