Foolish Games

Warnings: Angst, lemon, language, references to child prostitution and drug use, songfic, Duo POV



Rating: NC-17



Author's Notes: Stylisticly, this one was a toughy. I had a lot of material to cover before moving on to another POV and Duo has a dark, brooding side that I think us fanfic writers like to ignore AND Duo, I'm assuming, would think similarily to the way he talks, albeit a bit faster. To write a Duo POV was harder than I thought. So, you'll notice a bit of jumping around and a ton of "and then"'s and "So"'s and it's REALLY hard to be grammatically correct when writing Duo and trying to stay in character long enough to finish the damn chapter. *smirks* See? *tries to shake of Duo-ness* I did my best and I hope you all will understand what I was trying to do when you've finished reading the chapter.



The song is called Body Crumbles by Dry Cell. I went bungie jumping the other day singing that song to myself. I think that may be why I looked it up when I was trying to configure the rest of this chapter. Something about the masochistic thrill of free-falling and this song seem to blend itself perfectly for the mood I was trying to set for this chapter.



Aaaanyway.



Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue. Story's mine. Enjoy.





Body Crumbles

***







//...Finally, recovered...//



I shake off the feeling of being followed, knowing that if there is anyone there, it's just an agent Une sent to track me for my safety. I'll have to lose him, eventually. If I can feel him following me than he's too dangerous to have around.



I turn the corner and quietly slip past the guard at the gate of the military aeronautical base. My mouth twitches into an almost half-smile. I run this base and having to sneak in feels odd to me.



I wait in the shadows as the guard shift changes, checking my watch. Right on time. Good.



//...The mood is right...//



As they chat away about the accursed rain and the flood warnings, I sneak away and slip into the bunker that holds the jet that Une had reserved for me. Of course, it'll cause some commotion when I take off. But Une reassured me she'd quiet it immediately. She's already taken the jet off of record. That leaves a little problem of being cleared to dock on L2, but Une also said she'd take care of that before I got there.



I pause, hearing a bit of commotion to my left, and slink back into the shadows as a sentry walks through the bunker. Annoying thing about all this is that Heero and I have been running this place like a well-oiled machine for nearly three years now. It's no easy feat, sneaking around this place.



I take this time to think, guiltily, about Heero. God, this shit fucking tears me up.



Une never actually said I *had* to sever ties with Heero for this mission to work, but, Une, being, Une, had insinuated it in such a way that I honestly couldn't see a way around it. How she found out about us, I'll never know.



I kept telling myself that all this was for the best. That this mission'll work and I'll get out alive and I'll be able to open up that orphanage I've been planning with Hilde for years now...



That Heero will understand when all this is said and done.



I keep telling myself, over and over, and each time it tastes like an acrid lie in my mouth.



I took in a deep breath and moved forward as I watched the sentry move on. I slipped into the jet and fastened myself into the cockpit. I began flipping switches and powering up, my movements automatic and almost robotic. I don't think there is anything I can't fly. And this is only a space jet. The tricky part is going to be getting it off the runway before the base blockades it or shoots it out of the sky. Une better be on her game.



I sigh and catch myself rolling my eyes as the alarm went off and a dozen lights brightened and flashed, looking garish and almost surreal. I've done this a dozen times when I was a kid on Oz bases. At least the reaction time was better now. I smile again, proud of my men.



//...Looking up into a neon sky...//



I navigate the jet onto the run way and wait as the hydraulic thrusters gather energy.



Against my will, a tingling of excitement begins to course through my veins and the heaviness in mind seems to clear up. My hands twitch over the panels, eager to guide this hunk of metal off the ground.



Three years behind a damn desk...of course I'd jump at a chance like this. I was never meant for deskwork.



//...The child in me takes over...//



The jet begins to rumble and the base is hailing me and helicopters begin swarm in my path and all this is merely feeding my exhilaration .



The jet's ready and I push forward. With a sudden lurch, the jet takes off and I'm thrown back into my seat by the sheer velocity and I'm going faster and faster, up and up, and I thank the Creator for making gravity because if there wasn't any there wouldn't be this feeling of pressing towards freedom.



Freedom.



//...It's been too long

Since the last time that I tried to fly...//



And, with a shout, I'm free. I've outrun them and there's no catching me now. And I watch, over the next hour, the velocity pressing me in, as the atmosphere of the Earth is peeled back in layers and then there's nothing but the cold blanket of space and the billions of twinkling, indifferent stars and the ugly, pitted face of the moon. And my moment of freedom seems to escape me because I'm reminded of what I felt as I broke Heero's heart.



//...Finally, I find

When I lose control...//



And, all over again, I felt like I was falling, and my chest constricted, and the control panels swam in my gaze, and all I can see are those shimmering, perfect blue staring at me with hurt and rage.



//...Inside

My body crumbles...//



I shake my head and shiver off the dizziness that attacked me. I try not to think that it's natural when a human shoots into space and experiences the vertigo that the sudden lack of gravity causes was what I was feeling. I try to convince myself that I really DO feel bad and that it was affecting me physically.



//...It's like therapy

For my broken soul...//



But, that too, tastes like a lie in my mouth.



//...Inside

My body crumbles...//



I shift in my seat, trying to get into a more comfortable position, my sore backside serving as a constant reminder of the punishment I deserved--and yearned for--more than most people realize.



Honestly, I can't think of a single moment where I hadn't wanted Heero Yuy.



Ever since I first met him, at fifteen, shooting him twice to save that Relena girl, I've wanted him. He has this uncanny innocence about him, even when he's reeking out justice.



And a justice I craved.



A purity like that is rare...and, of course, I managed to taint it.



Things I'm capable of, things I've done...I should've fucking known better.



I couldn't help myself, though. You really can't look at Heero Yuy and not be enraptured by the motherfucker. There was a time where I actually pitied Relena, who spent years enthralled to Heero Yuy, hero of the realm, savior of the world, yaddy-yatta.



She's long-since abandoned her pining and they're friends now, which, oddly, made me a little sad at the time. Having no competition for Heero's attention--and the constant education of what NOT to do--I felt kinda lost.



So, I settled for his friendship and we lost touch over the years.



I lived with Hilde for sometime and we ran the scrap yard for an uneventful year before I realized I wanted something more.



I began making plans to start an orphanage on L2. There hasn't been one since Maxwell Church and it pisses me off. There are so many kids, good kids, running around that colony, homeless and without families to protect and feed them, doing anything and EVERYTHING to survive. It's an ugly life. I should know, I used to live it. If it hadn't been for Solo picking me up with the Sweepers, I'd probably be some coke-fiend, call-boy misfit with the rest of 'em.



But I didn't have enough money.



So, I signed on with the Preventers to make some extra dough. A year later, promotion after instant fucking promotion, based on a reputation I had made for myself when I fought in the colony wars as a goddamn teenager, Heero shows up at my Unit and starts working with me.



//...Only, this moment

Just to get away...//



We did everything together--we even ended up living together--and it felt like the good 'ol days, right?



Right?



Wrong.



With each passing week, I felt I was slipping farther and farther away from my goal. Even though I was saving money like a madman, it never quite cut it. My visits to L2 became fewer and fewer and Hilde is practically running the yard be herself now, even though she cheerfully sends me monthly reviews.



I really love that girl. She's never once complained. Though, sometimes I wish she would. You know, to rekindle my motivation for coming back.



But I was with Heero and it felt like a dream come true...but I wanted it all.



And I wanted out.



//...From this trajemistic, everyday...//



I don't know why I never told Heero about the orphanage I wanted to set up. I don't know why I didn't think he'd support me. I don't even know if I wanted him to.



I do know he probably won't NOW.



So, I drowned myself in liquor and women and was the faithful little soldier-boy Preventer and I felt like I was asphyxiating and I couldn't breathe...



And then something close to a miracle happened!



Heero began sleeping with the women I was bringing home all the time! Most times it was orgies...and sometimes we'd even watch each other!



Eureka!



It was like something out of a wet dream.



I felt like I just hit a gold mine.



Was it a game?



I don't know.



It felt like one, though. And I felt like I was playing with fire.



But, as pathetic as it sounds, that's when I feel most alive.



//...Know if I don't question

And I'll never doubt...//



There's something dangerously erotic about Heero naked and sweaty and passionate and moving over another human body in pure insatiable lust.



Knowing that he could break a body in half if he needed to but seeing those deadly hands move over yielding flesh with tenderness and hunger, sensing that he can feel my eyes on him as he moves, seeing it excite him as he devours the body beneath him, the heat spreading through my body as he raises those perfect, deep blue eyes to mine as he comes...it's fucking unreal, man.



Pun, or no pun, it's fucking unreal.



And then I realized I wanted no supple body between us, no yielding flesh barring our touches...I wanted to taste him without a feminine breath whispering in my ear, to hold him to my chest as he came without a woman screaming her own pleasure between us...



I wanted him for myself.



All these rekindled desires flanked me, quickened my blood, sent my heart racing at the mere sight of him, making me feverish and half-mad with lust.



Fuck, man, I had thought it was just a stupid teenage crush. But now, as a man, I still want him.



God, I wanted him.



And my stupid, lonely misery swamped me again.



I stopped taking chicks home from the bar every night and we took to swimming in booze on a nightly, celibate basis.



Then I grew some balls, swallowed my fear and my pride, and climbed into his bed.



For many nights, we just held each other. Strange, huh? Heero Yuy...cuddling. Yeah, I know, so I grew more and more apprehensive with every night we lay trembling with pent-up desire and every day at work where the tension grew so thick between us you could cut it with a knife.



And then I realized he wanted me too.



//...Everything'll be okay...//



Well, you know, that's not an entirely abnormal thing. I've been blessed--or cursed--with a very attractive physical make up and the eyes of men and women alike seem to follow me wherever I go.



But, fuck, man, it's Heero!



I've fought in two wars with this guy. He could kill me if he wanted to.



And, god save me, that's why I wanted him. I spent my young adult life making love to Death in a way that really needs no explaining. Heero is the one person who could give me the justice I craved...and with an innocence and purity that no other being could possible muster.



//...Finally, I find...

...When I lose control...

...Inside...

...My body crumbles...//



And he did. Yes, he did. He gave me all of him. And I took it. Being the selfish, tainted devil I am, I took it.



I devoured him whole.



And then we would get visits.



At first, It was just Trowa. He'd pass through town and look us up. We'd offer him the invitation and he obliged with that careless, quiet grace that I had bedded him for years ago.



I feel a laugh escape past my throat as I sit here in the cockpit remembering.



Yes, Trowa and I had been lovers once. In fact, I have slept with all four of my fellow Gundam pilots at one point or another. It was how I offered my comfort to them during the colony wars; with smiles and laughter and sweaty passion between the bed sheets.



I am an immoral creature, what can I say?



//...It's like therapy...

...For my broken soul...

...Inside...

...My body crumbles...//



During the wars, sex was an outlet. The four of us understood that, even Wufei, though nobody dared to touch Heero. Oh, I flirted with him mercilessly, but, though my friends would claim otherwise, I can be as patient as Death when I need to be.



And it paid off, didn't it?



I had my prize and I shared it with them. And, suddenly, I began hating myself for that too.



//...I don't know if...//



Now it wasn't women between us, it was my past lovers as well. My comrades, OUR comrades; screwing like bunnies just BECAUSE.



And, as much as I didn't want to admit it to myself, Heero had been much more than a long sought-after prize to me. So much more. I was falling for him. And I felt like I was falling even farther from my goal.



//...I'll be alright...//



Suddenly, I was so scared I didn't know what to do. I was drowning again. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to give my heart to Heero, but I wouldn't dare. I wanted to start the orphanage, but I didn't have enough money. I felt an abyss open up beneath my feet and I was falling. And somewhere, someone was laughing at me and I was lost and frightened and falling, falling, falling...



//...I don't know if...//



And I wanted OUT.



So I told Une. I told her about the orphanage and I told her I'd do anything to get the money. Even if I died, the money could be forwarded to Hilde. She'd know what to do.



I didn't tell her about Heero, but Une had known anyway. She gave me a mission three days later and made it explicitly clear that Heero was not to find out. I felt my blood run clod as I read the operation's details. I would have to go deep into the circles of L2 criminal warfare. I was to find out who was heading L2's underground child prostitution ring, assassinate David Gilson, the major drug lord of L2, and send Une all the names and locations of anyone affiliated. It would be a one-shot take out and the infiltration would take, at best, weeks.



I remember being so very, very angry when I took the job. I felt like I was on a self-righteous vendetta and that it was pure poetry that I would take a job like this to get the money for the orphanage. It was perfect. And the mission scared the hell out of me. But I took the job, proud to be the primary agent to wipe out the filthy, crime-ridden society that infected my home colony.



And then I had to figure out the situation with Heero.



//...Is it okay?...

...To be my friend?...//



Surprisingly--or not--the solution came to me pretty easily. We had based our relationship on sex and camaraderie, right? No biggie, right? So, I started bringing women home again. Warm, supple bodies with no names and no faces, clinging to my arm like the tramps they are; and Heero hated it.



It took only a week for our arguments to et so intense that I was fearing for the safety of the women I was parading through our home. Once, I had invited him to share our bed and, in a fit of rage, he shattered a beautiful cerulean vase against the living room wall. I had expected his disgust; I hadn't expected the intensity of his rage.



//...Do we always have to fight?...//



I should've, I suppose. You just don't reject the magnificent Heero Yuy.



But I did and I hate myself for it. Of course I hate myself for it. How couldn't I?



//...I don't know if...//



I shift in my chair again, remembering the night before.



I hadn't realized how deeply I was hurting him until I saw him crying. Heero Yuy, the Perfect Soldier, crying his eyes out.



I felt wretched and despicable, but the deed was done and he despised me almost as much as I despised myself.



//...I'll be alright...//



Yeah, almost.



So, I let him have me. And I gloried in the feeling of my body suffering almost as much pain as my soul was.



Almost. Only almost.



And I provoked him and taunted him and our release was electric in its unison.



//...It's alright...//



And he shocked me again with his innocent tenderness.



Always that fucking innocence. What's it gonna take for you to really hate me, Heero?



//...Finally, I find

When I lose control...//



I didn't deserve it. I honestly don't think I ever will.



So I left him wondering and confused, showered, and fell asleep alone in my own bed.



In the morning, I made him coffee and explained what I could and before those pained, angry, perfect blue eyes could see through sordid, miserable in-authenticity, I got in my car and left.



//...Inside

My body crumbles...//



So, now, as I stare at those cold, merciless stars, while my jet shoots through space, I feel dead and hollow inside and my regrets fill that painful, bottomless void, keeping me wretched and blah, blah, blah...I'm such a fucking victim.



What kind of creature am I? I wonder.



A miserable, wretched, self-righteous goddamn victim who kidded himself into thinking the world owed him something.



So, knowing that Heero is hurting, and needs help, and won't fucking ask for it, I lean forward in my chair, my fingers flying over the computer keys, and send Quatre and e-mail.



Then I steel myself and concentrate on what waits for me on L2. I know I'm going to suffer and make difficult decisions and probably hate myself even more--if that's even possible--alone in the knowledge that it'll all be worth it in the end.



//...It's like therapy...

...For my broken soul...//



Or will it?



Self-righteous misery.



I sigh and close my eyes, that last thought swimming through my brain.



This, I do deserve.



//...Inside...

...My body crumbles...//