Sand Castles

The door opened and a disheveled Trowa Barton glared out, hair looking worse than usual and eyes red rimmed with weariness. Heero was standing, with arms crossed tightly over his chest, as if holding in pain as he asked, "Tell me about Duo."

Trowa sighed and his anger deflated all at once. He made a brief motion and then trudged back inside of his small, Preventer apartment. A bed, a kitchenette, a table and chairs, and a bathroom were crammed into a twenty by twenty space, His Preventer jacket was over the chair back, and his gun and holster were on the table. Heero doubted that he kept anything in the tiny closet, or the dresser. His duffle was at the end of the bed, obviously full and filthy from travel.

It could have been a hotel room, Heero thought dismally as he sat in the chair. Nothing personal hung on walls, or cluttered any surface. It was clean of personality. Heero had the feeling that he would find the same lack of 'settling down' if he were to visit Wu Fei's Preventer apartment as well. His own had been the same: a place of transition, a step from one place to the next that never held any meaning. He had been right to stop that downward spiral, Heero thought, to leave and find roots that were more permanent and nurturing to a man who had never known such things. He had felt himself dissolving after the war, slowly being eaten up by his own lack of permanence, an unwillingness to engage in the life that he had suddenly been granted.

"Tell me about yourself, first," Trowa asked, his voice sounding on the edge of sleep as he layed down on the bed. He fluffed his pillow and then stared at the ceiling as if he he were struggling to stay awake, but unwilling to give up on the notion of going to sleep all together. "Where did you go?"

"The beach," Heero replied. "I bought a small place, out of the way, and enjoyed the quiet, the sunshine, the surf."

Trowa frowned. "One bedroom, two?"

"Three, actually," Heero replied.

"Big porch?"

"Yes."

"Rocking chair, sand on the floor just inside the door, windows open to the surf breezes, and seagulls drifting about?"

"Yes."

"I can't place you in that picture," Trowa admitted. "Not without adding trenches for defense, a high tech alarm system, and a stockpile of weapons."

Heero found a tense smile. "I removed all of that in my third week, there. I realized that sand crabs weren't that dangerous and that the old couple down the beach weren't interested in anything other than late night swims in the nude and running their dogs in the surf."

"So..." Trowa rubbed at the bridge of his nose as if a headache were starting. "You did what all day long?"

"Clipped coupons," Heero joked.

Trowa rolled eyes at him. "That sounds like the old couple. You spoke with them?"

"Made friends, actually," Heero replied.

"Sand castles, coupons, and friends," Trowa mused and Heero realized that he must have spoken with Wu Fei since his meeting with Une. "Obviously it was boring or you wouldn't be here."

"Preventers needed me," Heero replied tightly. "It's not about what I want."

Trowa nodded and draped an arm over his eyes, as if he wanted to hide his emotions. "Duty. We can't escape it. I tried to ignore it, too, tried to stay with the circus and live my own life. When they say, 'You have to help. No one else can do this.', you think about consequences and weigh your life against the lives of the people that you can save. You realize that this is for the rest of your life and you stop struggling against it."

"That's not what I intend to do," Heero replied and Trowa peeked at him from under his arm, incredulous. "I do intend to live my life, even though I have to use my skills, now and again."

"And it's just that easy?"

"No."

"I didn't think so."

"You can't go, every time they call," Heero explained. "You have to decide what's important."

"That isn't easy. What if you're wrong?"

"Then you have to live with the consequences. It's a risk."

"What's the payoff?" Trowa wondered."A beach house doesn't seem worth potentially losing lives."

"It's not about a beach house," Heero explained. "It's about not losing yourself, not giving until there is nothing left but a man who completes missions." Heero looked around the bare room. "That kind of man forgets why he's fighting, loses his heart, and then loses his life, because he stops caring about being alive."

"Like me? Like Fei?" Trowa wondered, his voice sounding depressed and on the edge of sleep.

"Like Duo?" Heero pressed.

"He tried to climb out, just like you did," Trowa told him. "He was damned happy. It was hard watching all of that get crushed like a bug under a transport wheel. Now he's worse than he was, worse than any of us."

"Suicidal?" Heero wondered in alarm.

Trowa was a long time in answering and then, "I don't know. He wants to go on this mission for payback, he says, but I wonder if he's looking for a way to go out like a hero? He's not preparing like he usually does. Wu Fei says the same. He's quiet and keeps to himself when he's usually demanding every detail and checking his gear."

"I need to talk to him," Heero said in alarm as he stood.

"Not, 'I should contact psyche?', Heero? That's new. Maybe a trip to the beach was good for something. Maybe it's given you the balls to finally face the man and say what's on your mind."

"That doesn't take balls," Heero replied as he opened the door. "It takes caring about my future... enough to want him to be a part of it."

"I don't think he'll listen," Trowa warned him.

"I need to try."

"I'm not very good at picking up after a crash and burn, Heero. I could have helped Quatre better, if I were, and Duo."

"I won't crash and burn," Heero promised. "I'll keep trying until he listens and I won't let this mission be his last."

TBC