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The Road to Kindness	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 7934 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 19
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- 21
The Road to Kindness

Chapter 7

As always, I want to thank
everyone who has read, reviewed, or pm�d me, and especially my beta.

Part 14

Something was wrong. Heero
had woken an hour with that feeling in his gut. The hairs on his neck were
standing on end and he just knew that something wasn�t right. In a way, he was
glad for the intrusion into his sleep. He hated sleep now. Sleep meant
nightmares, which meant that he had relive that painful day in his dreams over
and over and over� that day when he had been forced to watch his best friend,
the boy that he secretly loved, be raped, while he just sat there, unable to do
more than scream. Sleep had quickly become the enemy. But then� so had
everything else. He could tell himself that he was doing the right thing by
staying away from Duo, which was what the longhaired boy wanted, right? That
was why he flinched whenever he was near him. Duo blamed him for what had
happened, for breaking his promises, for not being able to protect him and
Heero didn�t blame him for thinking those things, because he knew that they
were the truth. The big, bad Heero Yuy, who had always thought so much about
himself, couldn�t even protect his best friend from being raped. How pathetic
was that. But� he could tell himself those things, that what he was doing was
right and good, but when he yearned to be with Duo, more than he ever had
before, it was so hard to listen. He wanted to do the right thing, whatever
that was; to make Duo smile like he had before, but it wasn�t working. Staying
away from him wasn�t working. Duo wasn�t happy.

�� That hurt, knowing that Duo wasn�t happy. He wanted him to
be, he certainly deserved it. And it was killing Heero inside, the distance
between them. They had been so close, but they both had thrown the brakes on
their friendship and now Heero didn�t even know what the right thing to do
anymore was. He was suffering, Duo was suffering, and
suddenly, all those promises that had been broken wouldn�t leave him alone. If
they were broken� did that mean that they were dead? But if that were true,
then why did he find himself wanting to keep them? He just wanted to be with
Duo� but Duo hated him, and Heero hated himself� and there was no way around
those things, was there? He just wanted Duo better. He wanted to protect him,
but how could he possibly do that when Duo didn�t want him around anymore?

�� Heero heard a sharp noise coming through the wall that
separated his and Duo�s bedrooms and knew what was wrong. Earlier today, when
they had come home from school, Duo had confided in all of them about his
nightmares as Heero had stood in the background, listening intently. He had
even told them about how tired he had been lately, and falling asleep in
Science class. Heero had known that something was wrong today. He might be
keeping a distance from Duo, to keep himself from hurting, and to listen to
Duo�s wishes, but he never ignored him. He watched him, constantly, studied
him. He felt like� if he couldn�t be a part of Duo�s life anymore, at least he
could observe it. So he had seen, before anyone else had, how tired Duo was,
how he seemed to drag himself around lately. And this morning, he had watched
as Duo had fallen asleep in class. Given how serious Duo was about school, it
was alarming to watch him just doze off like that, and then how he had woken
up�

�� Duo had refused to give the specifics of his dreams, but Heero
knew that they were bad enough to disturb the other boy. He knew that feeling.
Some nights, he didn�t want to sleep at all and he knew that Duo�s dreams
plagued him, even before that trip to Boston.
Heero heard another strange noise come from the direction of Duo�s room and his
body tensed as he lay on his back in bed. He was probably having some sort of
terrible nightmare right now, and here he
was, just lying here, listening and doing nothing. Just like before. Heero
shuddered at the memory and the terrible feeling of helplessness. Duo didn�t
want his help� so what else was there to do but lie here, in the dark, and
listen as he was probably in some sort of deep, emotional distress�

�� Heero kicked the covers off of him and rolled out of bed.
He couldn�t stand it anymore. He couldn�t just� lie here and listen when Duo
was probably crying! He needed� someone. He needed the warmth of another
person. No� he needed Duo�s warmth. If he couldn�t have his love, he needed his
friendship. Even if Duo hated him� he needed that sort of comfort. He was sure
that they both did. At least� at least he wanted Duo to not cry in his sleep
anymore. This wasn�t the first night he had to listen to those sounds.

�� Heero opened the door to Duo�s room and stepped inside. The
orb on his desk cast the room in a pleasant glow, aided by the window that had
no shades drawn, the lamplight from outside spilling into the room, the glass
of the window streaked with water as it rained outside. Duo was in his bed, his
body curled up into a tight little ball, his form shaking. In the low light of
the room, Heero could see the tears running down his face as he dreamed. As he
approached the bed, Heero�s heart beat wildly out of control. Duo�s braid was
draped over his shoulder and curled, like Duo was, on the bed by his chest, but
it looked messy, like Duo had been moving around in his sleep. His breathing as
he slept hitched, almost like he was sobbing, and the closer that Heero got the
bed, the more he could see how tense Duo�s muscles were.

�� It was the sound and sight of Duo�s tears that made Heero
sit on the edge of the bed, tentatively, as though he were trying to approach a
wild animal. Duo was going to throw him out on his ass, he was sure of that,
but if he could just touch him, feel
his warm, alive skin, maybe wake him
up from whatever terrible dream was making him cry like that� it would be worth
it, he was sure of it. Heero reached out his hand and placed his fingertips on
Duo�s cheek, letting them brush the chestnut hair away from the closed eyes.
Heero�s heart seemed to lurch at the feel of the silken skin under his fingers.
It really was warm, though damp in some places because of his tears.

�� Heero was scared to move, to even breathe, but, in his
sleep, Duo didn�t flinch away from him. Instead, he seemed to gravitate towards
Heero�s own warmth. A deep sense of wonder filled Heero, making him feel
bolder. He moved his hand to Duo�s thin shoulder, feeling the form of his arm
through the t-shirt he wore as a pajama top. It made his heart skip. Was this
the only way he could see Duo anymore, to be with him? Stolen
moments in the middle of a nightmare? It made him want to cry.

�� Suddenly, Duo�s features grimaced and new tears flowed down
his face. He made a small, wordless whimper that tore at Heero�s heart.

�� Ssh,� Heero tried to soothe, slipping into bed with his
best friend and wrapping his arms around him, no longer caring that Duo hated
him and blamed him, he was solely concerned with stopping Duo�s tears, �It�s
ok, I�m not going to let anything happen-,� the old promise froze on his
tongue. Things felt like old times, that affection, the promises� but it wasn�t
the same, it couldn�t ever be the same� but it felt that way, like, if he just closed his eyes and forgot, nothing
had changed.

�� Duo whimpered again and suddenly threw his arms around
Heero, pushing his body against his. Heero froze, waiting for Duo to push him
out of the bed, but it never happened. Duo just hung on to him as he cried. He
stroked the shorter boy�s back, trying to still his shaking.

�� It�s ok,� he said again, �Duo, it�s
ok��

�� H� r�o?� Duo murmured, half
asleep. Heero looked down in alarm to see the American looking up at him with
half-open violet eyes that were tinged red from crying, �Wha..?�

�� Heero blushed darkly. He felt completely unbalanced by this
whole thing. There was a little voice in his head demanding to know what the
hell he was doing in Duo�s room, in his bed, in his arms, but� he found that he didn�t care. He was holding Duo in his
arms. That was what mattered� that touch, that wonderful touch� and Duo�s eyes�
they weren�t full of hate, they were confused, but� happy. His eyes were filled
with happiness, like Duo was looking at a long lost friend, and Heero didn�t
care if Duo was too sleepy to understand what was happening. He was happy.

�� Go back to sleep, ok?� Heero urged. Duo nodded, his eyes
closing easily. Heero felt as his heart started to pound painfully as Duo
snuggled against his chest. Heero tightened his grip on his friend, unable to
stop his heart from racing. He just couldn�t believe he was this close to Duo
again.

�� �It won�t last,� a
cruel voice in his head jeered. Heero ignored it. He knew it wouldn�t last, but
he didn�t care, in this moment� he was so happy, he felt like crying. He closed
his eyes, feeling Duo�s soft, relaxed heart against his own. He didn�t want
morning to come� but he knew, even as he drifted off, like all terrible,
inevitable things, it would, and pain and misery would come with it, but for as
long as the sky was dark, he would revel in this moment.

*****

�� Duo awoke with the feeling that something was different.
Not necessarily wrong, but something had definitely changed. Lately, all he did
was wake up in the throes of a nightmare, but now he roused out of a sound sleep,
so deep that, for once, he didn�t feel tired at all. Then, he had woken feeling
warm, and the reason was obvious. He felt the odd sensation of skin against his
own and instantly wondered how it could be that he wasn�t panicking. The smell
of the other person was familiar and he awoke with a slightly drugged feeling
that screamed �contentment� at him.

�� Duo opened his eyes, and all his questions were answered
with one glance. Heero Yuy was in his bed. Not just in his bed, but the
blue-eyed boy had his arms around him, sheltering him. He was still
half-asleep, but he remembered, in a memory that lacked so much solidity, it
was like a ghost, Heero getting into bed with him after he had had a terrible,
gruesome nightmare he had no wish to recall. If Heero hadn�t been there, in
that moment, Duo would have assumed this memory was just a fragment of a dream,
but the proof was wrapped around him in a way that was so pleasant, if he was a
religious person, he would have called it sinful. His body shuddered with delight
at the feeling of their skin pressed up against each other. He wanted to reach
out to him, he wanted�

�� Duo put an abrupt halt to those thoughts. What he wanted�
could never happen, not even in his dreams, and truthfully, he had never
dreamed of those things, only the monsters, only the dark. He didn�t want Heero
to leave. Wasn�t the lack of nightmares the proof of that? Once Heero had come,
he hadn�t dreamed. But this couldn�t happen! How had it happened in the first
place? As mad as Heero was at him, he couldn�t have imagined Heero trying to
comfort him. He thought that had to have woken Heero up, and he must have
annoyed him enough�

�� No! His heart screamed that at him, there was no way that
caring Heero had showed him last night had been because Heero wanted him to
shut up. He had cared� he still cared? Tears prickled at Duo�s eyes. Heero
hated him� but he still cared enough to soothe the bad things away. That
shouldn�t be� but it made a strong spark of happiness flitter through his
heart. This couldn�t happen. He had distanced himself from Heero for a reason,
a reason that had little to do with Heero�s hate, though that was a small part
of it.

�� His past was hunting him. Not just him, but everyone that he loved. He couldn�t let
anyone get hurt because of him. He had to
push Heero away. He never should have gotten so close to him to begin with. Because he had� Heero had almost died. And if he flinched
because he was terrified of making Heero dirty, of showing him the sort of
nasty person he was, deep down inside, that was only natural. He just didn�t
want to be responsible for losing what he had struggled to get, his family. If
he had to look at Heero from afar in order to keep him in his life, he would
suffer through it. Somehow� he would live with it, even if it killed his heart
to do so.

�� If that�s true,� a demeaning voice asked
inside his head, �Then why just Heero? Why not push them all away?�

�� Because,� Duo answered himself, without even being aware
that he was doing it, �Heero was the one that was hurt, the one Chris
threatened. Because� above all else� I can�t lose Heero, no matter what.�

�� This moment� it was so wonderful, being tucked so safely in
Heero�s arms. He felt safe, even with Heero�s contempt. He didn�t want to
leave, but in order to keep Heero safe, he couldn�t let him be close to him. He
had to keep pushing him away.

�But�
Heero�s unhappy, too,� that voice rang out stubbornly.

�� But� Heero was alive, right, and
wasn�t that more important than being happy? But, even if that was true� no, it
couldn�t be true. He had lived with unhappiness, and every second in that
darkness, he had wished for his death. Life without
happiness� what was the point? But he didn�t know that Heero was
unhappy, he just acted like it. Yet� Heero had
comforted him. Did that mean he was forgiven?

�� No, he couldn�t think like that! If he started to think
that way� he would just put Heero in harm�s way again. If Heero hated him, it
would be so much easier, but was it possible that he was wrong? Could he
possibly be mistaken, and Heero had never hated him and he was just hurting him
over and over and over again? Who was he to decide that Heero�s life was more
important than his happiness? He didn�t own him, and if Heero decided that
being friends was more important than being safe� No, he didn�t want to
consider that! He was doing the right thing, wasn�t he? He was keeping Heero
safe. So why, why did he have so many doubts? Why did he feel like he was
tearing out his own heart?

�� Hey.�

�� Duo looked up into Heero�s very awake, deep blue eyes as
the other boy looked down at him with an odd expression that Duo couldn�t
really put a name to. He wanted to call it affectionate, but he hesitated to
use the word.

�� Heero�� he murmured, his tongue feeling thick in his mouth
as he struggled over his words, �You� you need to leave.�

�� Heero�s eyes widened in surprise for a second, and then his
face took a flat, expressionless quality that Duo instantly hated.

�� Alright,� he said, and that was all. He got up without
another word, but to Duo�s shock, instead of just leaving, Heero pulled the
covers back over Duo, his hand lingering as it brushed over Duo�s shoulder,
like he didn�t want to leave. Then, he was gone, closing the door behind him. A
few tears fell from Duo�s eyes and he was immensely glad Heero had left before
they had fallen. He didn�t know if that was because he didn�t want to show that
sort of weakness, have to explain why he was crying, or just� he was too afraid
what Heero would do, if he would leave him crying, without a concern, or he
would comfort him, beg the truth out of him. He didn�t know which would be
worse. Duo closed his eyes, telling himself it was for the best� but no matter
how many times he recited to himself all the reasons why he was pushing Heero
away, he still hated himself. He didn�t fall back to sleep.

�� He didn�t care how tired he was in the future. He didn�t
care if he had to chug energy drinks and foul tasting coffee until his heart
was hammering in his chest, he wouldn�t sleep. He wouldn�t have his nightmares,
even if it meant only sleeping three hours a night. He wouldn�t give Heero a
reason to worry about him, or bother him with his nightmares. This resolve
hadn�t worked out for him that well in the past few days, but he had to try it
again; he had to make everyone aware that he wasn�t having nightmares, even if
it meant that he had to force himself not to sleep. It was another lie, another
evasion, but one that he couldn�t help, one that he needed, or else he would
have to admit to himself that what he was trying to do
was too painful, and too pointless.

�� The cell phone on his bedside table vibrated and Duo fought
the urge to throw it into the bathroom for the night out of frustration. He
knew who was calling him without having to look at the display; it was the same
reason why he had put his phone on vibrate, so he
wouldn�t wake anyone, since he had no intention of answering the phone. The
last time he had used his cell phone was when he had thought to call Amaaya,
but had been unable to face her, even long distance, and had hung up before she
could answer. However, he knew that his name had appeared on her cell phone,
and now she knew that he had called him and had wanted to talk to her, and,
like so many of his friends, Amaaya was stubborn. She kept calling him. This
was the fourth time since last night. He wanted to talk to her, just like he
had back then, but� he still felt too ashamed, too� inferior, compared to her,
to actually muster up the guts to talk to her about his fears and worries. Or
maybe he was just a coward and was distancing himself from his old friends,
just like he was with Heero, because he didn�t want to get hurt anymore,
because he didn�t want to hurt them anymore.

�� If Solo were here to see him now, he would have smacked him
over the head and Shi would have thrown him over his shoulder, like he had
loved to do when Duo was a kid, which had made the blonde�s impressive height
seem all the more formidable, and refuse to let him down unless he did whatever
he wanted him to do, usually confess to something or apologize for scaring
them. But neither of them was here. He wished that they were. It had been so
long since he had talked to them, they probably thought he had died. But here
he was living in this wonderful house with these wonderful people, and while he
would never accuse his old friends of something as selfish as hating him for
it, he couldn�t shake that fear that they would. But Solo
had been his best friend for so long and he had gotten used to telling him all
of his dark secrets, but now he wasn�t around anymore and Duo missed him
painfully. He didn�t know how to go on without his support, his love, his
friendship. He could do it now because he had his new friends, and because he
was lying to himself that, one day, when he was ready, he would see Solo again,
but what if that day never came? What if he was too much of a coward to ever
try to reach out for that old safety net?

�� There was a part of him that thought that might be a good
thing, completely barricading himself from his past, but mostly, he hated
himself for it. He just wanted to see Solo again� but then again, he wanted so
many things that, he had been denying himself dreams for so very long, he
didn�t dare to reach for.

*****

�� The one moment of bliss, having Duo in his arms as the two
of them slept in the same bed, disappeared all too quickly. Heero held on to it
like someone with a precious treasure all through the weekend, but once Monday
had come once again, that bliss quickly disappeared. It started Monday morning
with the return of his nightmares, the constant replay of Duo�s rape and his
near death, and had completely vanished once the four friends had piled into
Heero�s car to drive to school.

�� Duo was silent again, shying away from him and not making
eye contact. It seemed more� conscious to Duo now, like their moment together
that morning had made things worse instead of better. It frustrated Heero, made
him feel that sort of anger again, the kind of anger that had made him do
stupid things in the past, like beat up classmates and steal alcohol from his
mother when she was out of town. It was the sort of anger that he couldn�t
quite explain, but he felt it, like a deep earthquake, in his heart. He was
hurting. He had been hurting since Boston,
but now� now it was deep rooted. He had reached out for Duo, finally, by being
willing to stay in bed with him, to comfort him, and to be comforted, and Duo,
yet again, had pushed him away. And yet, he didn�t blame Duo for it. He even
understood why Duo had done it, but this only left him with no one to blame but
himself.

�� He was to blame, he knew that, but he didn�t want to accept
it. That just made the anger worse. He wanted to hit something, wanted to hurt
something like the way he was hurting. He wanted someone, who had done
something wrong, like himself, like Chris, to suffer. He could feel the old
waves of fury and self-righteousness returning to him like an old, lost friend.
He wanted to fight with someone. It would be so easy� like falling back to an
addictive habit. The high of accomplishment and victory wouldn�t last, he knew
as well as any addict did, but for the moments that it did, for once, he would
be happy. The only thing that would make those feelings go away, the one thing
that would give him the permanent high of happiness that he desperately craved,
was to hear Duo�s heartbeat against his again, to see him smile at him at
again. But that wasn�t going to happen again. It shouldn�t have, really, in the
first place, because Duo hadn�t wanted it to. In that moment, yes, Duo had
accepted him, but later, Duo had come to his senses again.

�� Heero had fought against this decision to fight someone
again and again, ever since returning to Maine.
He had decided that fighting would not be the solution to his pent up rage, but
now� now, the feeling of contentment was fresh in his mind. He kept remembering
how Duo had felt� and how furious knowing that Duo had been� attacked, and his
attacker had gotten away with it, made him feel. He
needed release� he needed� he needed to feel something besides anger, just for
a little while� but he couldn�t do it in front of Duo. He would never put the
other boy through that, seeing a friend being� violent. Duo had lived through
so much violence and he never wanted the longhaired boy to see him that way.

�� The problem with this plan was that Heero had never been a
shark. He had never been the type of person who would seek out the weakest and
attack them. He was more like one of those spiders he had heard Duo talking
about. They burrowed holes in the ground and put little trap doors over them.
They waited and waited until something walked over their traps, then pounced.
Heero didn�t go looking; he simply waited for someone else to make the first
move.

�� Because of the fact that he and Duo only had one class
apart, it was pure luck when a kid, his height and probably his age, bumped
into him. Though his anger flared at the contact, he didn�t do anything. He was
starved for some way to feel good about himself again, but he wasn�t going to turn
into a bully, someone who�d go after anyone who got in their way. He had
standards, messed up standards, but he still had them. The bump didn�t even
take him off of his feet and he kept walking forward.


�Watch where you�re going, faggot,� he suddenly heard the other boy hiss under
his breath. Heero instantly knew that the boy hadn�t meant for him to hear it,
but in the nearly empty hallway, Heero heard him clearly. He quickly forgot
about why he was so anxious to find someone to fight with, he simply snapped.


Heero had just been a kid when he had heard the first use of �fag� and had no
idea what it had meant. He had gone to Trowa who, in Heero�s mind, had a
wellspring of knowledge about dirty words, things that he couldn�t go to his mother
or Quatre about, and sure enough, Trowa had told him that �fag� was just slang
for �cigarette�, but faggot really meant something that burns, so when someone
calls someone else a fag, it meant that they were gay and should be burned at
the stake. Heero was too old now to be so shocked by a �bad word�, but hearing
that particular one still pissed him off. He had learned it before he, or his friends, had ever considered their sexuality,
yet, even as a child, he had considered it ugly and nasty.


Before Heero even really registered what he was doing, he grabbed the kid by
the arm, pulling him back so he could pin him to the lockers. He realized that
he had miscalculated, the kid wasn�t his own height, he
was a couple of inches shorter than him and clearly had had no intention of
fighting anyone. He stared up at Heero with terrified hazel eyes.


�Y-Yuy?!� he squeaked in shock. It was interesting, Heero thought, that he
could actually see what the boy was thinking, that he was remembering the time
that he had sent that boy to the hospital for threatening Duo. The kid probably
thought that he was going to do the same to him, and maybe he would. After all,
weren�t thoughts of violence and prejudice just as bad as actions? More than
that, he wanted to hurt the kid for calling him a fag. Because Heero remembered
all those people that had called Quatre and Trowa the same thing, and the other
things, those same people had done and said about them, because he knew that
being called a fag meant so much more than you were just a homosexual.


�I heard what you called me,� Heero growled, his hand already curled up into a
fist.


�No!� the boy protested, his eyes focused on Heero�s fist, �You�ve got it all
wrong, I didn�t say anything!�


�Say you�re sorry,� Heero demanded.


�I�m sorry!� the boy instantly spat out, as though it pained him to do so, but
did it anyway. Heero smirked. This is what he had wanted out of Chris. He had
wanted the man to see his impending pain and understand how terrible it was to
be scared, how wrong he was� he wanted him to be terrified, like this boy was.
And he wanted to wipe that terrified look off his face, just with his own
fists. He wanted justice, even if it was a lie�

*****


Heero�s bloody fists hit the plush surface over and over again, making a
satisfying �fwack� sound that reverberated through the empty weight room,
sending the punching bag flying this way and that with the force of his blows.
The blood, his blood, was streaked on the cloth surface of the bag, giving the
illusion that he was actually hitting something living, but it lacked the
warmth and sensation of a living thing, taking away any true satisfaction about
hitting it. The skin on his knuckles was split open and bleeding with each
forceful hit he gave the punching bag, but he didn�t stop. It felt kind of
good, the pain, like he was punishing himself and tiring himself out at the
same time, so he didn�t even have to think about the anger that wasn�t relinquishing
him, even as he beat up the bag. He thought that that was the reason why he
hadn�t wrapped his hands like he was supposed to, but it didn�t really matter.
He had been going at it for an hour and didn�t even care that he had missed his
last class and it was almost time to go home.


He could hit the bag forever, he realized, until his hands were nothing more
than bruised, bloody lumps of abused flesh and he probably wouldn�t even care
about the pain, because what he felt in his heart was so much worse. He was a
coward, and he hated himself for it. He was too afraid to tell Duo how he felt,
too afraid to try to get close to him, he was even too afraid to try to find
Chris. He was just� scared, and he shouldn�t be. Even if Duo hated him, he
needed him, too. That night that they had spent in bed together, trying to keep
nightmares away, had showed him that. Duo needed his friendship just as much as
he always had, but Heero didn�t know how to handle him pushing him away all the
time. Should he listen to Duo�s wishes or his needs? Perhaps this was better�
it was easier pretending that his love for Duo didn�t exist with this distance
between them, but he still loved him, so it hurt, all the time. He just wanted
that closeness back� he wanted to play games with Duo again.


In the empty, large room, even over his own thundering heart and panting, Heero
heard someone come in, but he kept attacking the bag.


�Heero.�


His bloody hands fell to his sides and he suddenly felt the fight leave him, in
a way that made him feel hollow, not happy for its absence, and he faced Wufei,
who was looking at him in concern and confusion that Heero couldn�t place.


�People are talking about you,� Wufei informed him, �About what you did to that
kid.�


Heero snorted.


�I�m sure they are,� he muttered.


�Why?� Wufei asked, �You actually wanted to hurt him? What
for?�


Heero glared at him.


�Maybe he deserved it. Maybe� someone needs to pay for what happened, and maybe
I�m sick of it being Duo!� he snapped. Wufei approached him carefully, like he
was stalking a wounded tiger.


�If you really feel that way,� Wufei said sadly, �If you�re really willing to
do something so stupid as to get expelled just for a moment of self-righteous
satisfaction, why didn�t you hit him?�


Heero felt his blood, eerily warm, drip down his hands, the muscles in his arms
aching as he stared at his friend. He chuckled, but it was only noise, the
sound lacking any human feeling, though Wufei thought it sounded tinged with
bitterness.


�You know, when we first met, I instantly hated you,� Heero told him. Wufei
smirked back at him.


�I hated you, too, as a rival I knew I could never beat,� he said.


�The way you threw yourself at Duo, I knew he would never choose you,� Heero
said softly, �but I was still scared that you were going to take him away from
me. You�re attractive, smart, confident, and closer to his level than I could
ever hope to be. So I hated you for it� and now we�re friends�� Heero
hesitated, �When that boy called me a fag, I had thought nothing would stop me
from kicking his ass. I could have smashed his face in� but when I looked at
him, and how scared he was of me, I felt sick inside. I kept hearing Duo�s
voice telling me how much he hated people who resorted to violence just to get
their way. And I kept remembering how much I wanted his approval. I think� I
think my days of fighting are over. As long as I remember Duo, and remember all
the things he makes me feel, I can�t be that angry person ever again. I�m still
angry, but�� Heero looked down at his bloody hands, �This is all I can do. I
can�t hurt someone without remembering all of those things Duo had told me, all
those terrible ways Wes had hurt him and how that had made him feel� So, all I
can do is hurt myself in his place. Chris and I were responsible, so I�ll have
to punish myself instead.�


Wufei stared at him with wide, dark eyes.


�You really do love him,� he breathed in awe. Heero�s blue eyes had this
incredible depth to them whenever he mentioned Duo; it took his breath away to
watch him. Did he look like that when he was with Fai?


�But, if you love him, then why are you acting like he has the plague?� Wufei
demanded, �You talk about him like he�s something precious, like you want to
protect him. So why are you punishing him by acting like he�s a complete
stranger? If it were me, after what had just happened to him, I wouldn�t be
able to let him out of my sight!� Wufei shuddered, imagining Fai in Duo�s
place. He quickly dispelled the image, not liking how sick it made him feel.


Heero glared at him.


�You�re not me,� he snarled, �And don�t you ever forget that! I�m not punishing
Duo, I could never punish him! He was the victim here! I have to
distance myself from him, it�s necessary.�


�Necessary to whom?!� Wufei snapped back,
�You�re miserable, he�s miserable, we�re all miserable watching you two be
miserable! Just who the hell is benefiting from all of this, because I sure as
hell don�t know them! Why should anyone be punished besides that man?! Do you
think that taking his place is going to make Duo better, are you that delusional?!�


�It�s because of me that Duo was able to get kidnapped by Chris in the first
place!� Heero yelled, though he felt another spark of doubt because he knew
Wufei was right, through all of his attempts to make things better for Duo,
they were both unhappy, �I underestimated the danger and I allowed us to be
separated from you guys. I let down my guard; I couldn�t even try to
protect him! I was supposed to be the strong one, the one he could always look
up to, but I failed him. I lost his trust and his respect; I deserve to be
punished just as much as Chris does. Duo hates me for not being able to keep my
promises. Even if doing this doesn�t make him better, it�s what needs to
happen!�


Wufei shook his head, overwhelmed by the hole Heero
and Duo had dug for themselves.


�God, you�re both idiots,� he muttered, �The two of you deserve each other.�


The final bell of the day rang out, echoing in the large gym, cutting off
whatever comeback Heero could have come up with. Wufei sighed heavily.


�Come on, you need to have your hands looked at,� he said, almost in a truce.
Heero narrowed his eyes at him, but shrugged, grabbing his things as they left
the gym. Did they really deserve each other? No, Wufei was wrong on that one.
Duo deserved a lot better than him� right?

��

*****


Duo awoke suddenly, a gasp stuck in his throat, images of blood and gore and
death still dancing in his eyes even as they stared up at his ceiling. The
things he smelled clashed and swirled in a confusing jumble that made
absolutely no sense to his mind. Semen, sweat, blood, dust, Chinese food, all
the old smells of Wes�s apartment combined with the smells of his new home, the
clean wood, the musky scents of his cats, the light, airiness of the flowers
Name had put on his bedside table. They had had London broil for dinner, but he
could taste the all too familiar thickness of semen, no matter how many times
he swallowed.


�Another nightmare,� he told himself, �just another nightmare,� but he rolled
out of bed anyway and made his way down to the kitchen as quietly as he could.
Fuck, but he was pathetic.


He knew that the smells and tastes weren�t there, he knew that. Hadn�t
Trowa told him that this was normal, for his brain to replay trauma over and
over like a vivid, broken record? So, he logically knew these sensations
weren�t real, yet that logical knowledge seemed like a lie when he felt like
Wes had just fucked him, minutes ago, even if it had just been a dream. He
wished that he could just believe that it was just a dream. And yet� he just
wanted to get that taste out of his mouth.


Shiva followed on his heels as Duo snuck into the kitchen and poured himself a
glass of water. Juice would work even better to get the bitter, salty taste off
his tongue, but it was too late at night to put that into his stomach. He
grabbed a water glass from the cabinet and, once his fingers cooled around the
cool glass, he opened his eyes and found himself in his room.


Duo blinked in the dim light, looking at his door, which was open just a crack,
completely confused and incapable of getting his bearings. One second, he had
been in the kitchen� something was wrong. He shook his head frantically as
though that would clear it. What was happening? A deep sense of d�j� vu settled
over him. This was just like when he had fallen asleep in class. He felt that
same kind of off, confused clarity, like his mind knew something was
impossible, but couldn�t figure out what it was.


It felt like barely a second had passed since he had gone downstairs, but that
was impossible, so he had to have only dreamed that he had gone downstairs for
a drink. And yet� that seemed so unlikely, not just because of the realism, but
because it was weird that he would dream that he had woken up from a nightmare,
and usually his nightmares, even the odd vivid one that had been like this,
were much more pronounced and theatrical, and this one was so� boring. Why
would he just dream about walking downstairs, that didn�t make any sense to
him! He was sure that his twisted mind could easily come up with something to
terrorize him with, so why a drink of water?


It took him a mere second to realize that there was something else wrong. He
wasn�t laying on his bed, which was where he would expect himself to be after a
dream, even a weird one like this. He was sitting on the hard floor, his back
to the bed. He winced at the sudden ache he felt in his back and realized that
he had been sitting there for awhile. Had he fallen off the bed again? But if
he had, he was sure he would have woken himself up, no matter how tired he was.
Besides, only his back hurt, so why was he on the floor. Despite his confusion
and the slight fear he couldn�t quite shake, Duo smiled slightly when he felt
something soft hit his cheek and curl slightly around his neck. He looked up to
see Sammy staring at him from the bed with his tail brushing against Duo�s skin
again. He stroked the spotted tail that had a black tip as dark as Shiva�s own
fur. Sammy mewed at him, putting a black footed paw on his head.


�Yeah, I�m coming back up, hold on a sec�,� he murmured. As he tried to stand
up, his hand slipped under his bed and hit something solid and wet that rolled
slightly at the impact. Puzzled, Duo lifted up his covers and looked under his
bed. There, lying on its side was a water glass, a few droplets of water still
clinging to the glass. So, he had gone downstairs for a drink, but he
didn�t remember pouring the water, coming back upstairs, or drinking it. But
the proof was right there, where else could the glass have come from? He knew
for a fact that, when Name cleaned every Saturday, she vacuumed under the beds,
so she would have found it if it had been a long time ago. Actually, it would
have only taken him a couple of minutes to come back upstairs and drink it,
though that didn�t quite explain why he was sitting on the floor and not his
bed; but it was plausible that it was just his short term memory failing him
again. It wouldn�t be the first time he lost a few minutes. Realistically, that
was more comforting than vivid dreaming because he was used to it. It still
disturbed him a little that he was constantly missing minutes out of his life,
but the longest he had ever� zoned out for was seven minutes, which wasn�t very
long at all.


Duo put the glass on the bedside table and sat on the edge of the bed. Sammy
pounced onto his lap and curled up like he had always done as a kitten, his
long tail hitting Duo�s leg as it curled and uncurled in a repetitive motion.
Duo dared a look at his clock, just to confirm his theory and froze in shock.
In the time he had left his room to get the glass of water and up to now, two
whole hours had passed him by. His fingers dug into his covers and he fought
the urge to take the little digital clock into his hands and shake it, to see
if it was broken. Two hours� how was that even remotely possible? He couldn�t label that as his short term memory
loss. He hadn�t even come close to losing a half an hour! But
two hours? This wasn�t the vivid dreaming, either, what had happened,
had actually happened, he just
couldn�t recall what had occurred in between. This was something else. It had to be.

�� Thinking about all the things he could have done in two
hours, it seemed like a lifetime. He could have done something mundane like
setting all the clocks in the house back an hour, or even just sat here on the
floor doing nothing, or, for all he knew, he could have done something really
terrible. For all he knew� he could have killed everyone in their sleep. That
wasn�t very likely, even sleepwalking or in a trance, or whatever state he had
been in, he didn�t think that he was capable of murder, and even if he was, he
wasn�t exactly strong like Heero and Trowa were, he doubted he would survive
that without a scratch.

�� Duo shook his head. He didn�t want to think about the
possibility of� of what he was thinking about. It would never happen, not even
if he was sleepwalking. But, the thought that he was missing two whole hours
was terrifying. He knew the clock wasn�t lying. The water glass was warm, as
though it had been in his hand for awhile. What was going on? Had he moved from
vivid dreaming to full out sleepwalking? He remembered what Wufei had told him,
about the possibility of him having post traumatic stress disorder, and
sleepwalking would probably fit with that, but what if he was simply losing
time? That seemed more likely since he had been awake from moment to moment, he had no conscious realization of falling asleep in
the moments he was missing.

�� Duo ran a finger down the water glass and, sighing, he fell
back into bed, lifting Sammy off his legs and back onto his pillow.
Sleepwalking was ok, because didn�t people who sleepwalked just do banal
things? But, missing two hours was a huge problem. What if it happened in
school or during work? What if he zoned out when he was stocking glass and
ended up hurting himself or a customer? He needed to tell Name, he realized.
But what could he possibly tell her, that he had zoned out during the night? He
didn�t even know if it would happen again, though she would probably want to
get him a brain scan or something, and it would worry her and his friends half
to death.

�� Nothing happened,� Duo murmured out loud. Sammy�s ears
perked up and the cat peered at him in the darkness, listening to him. It
wasn�t like school, Duo realized. Falling asleep in class was a huge problem,
but absolutely nothing had happened now, so he shouldn�t worry about it until
something bad happened, right? He closed his eyes. He would worry about it in
the morning, and if it happened again, he would tell Name, but for now, he had
given her enough to worry about.

*****

�� Quatre remembered promising himself that he would get Heero
alone, as soon as he could, and talk to him about what was going on between him
and Duo, but it was a lot harder than he had thought it would be. He couldn�t
do it at school, which just left home, but getting Heero alone was impossible
between the time Quatre was spending with Trowa and Duo and the fact that Heero
had started to lock his door, probably because
he didn�t want to talk to anyone. But, if Quatre had one trait, it was,
when it came to his friends anyway, he could be as stubborn as an attack dog
that had gotten its jaws around something. His decision to have a little talk
with Heero had only strengthened after Duo had told all of them the extent of
his sleeping problems.

�� Wufei had confided in him that he believed Duo was suffering
from prolonged post traumatic stress disorder from his childhood and what had
happened in Boston
had made him worse. Quatre was sure that this was true, the way Duo flinched
from people, wore baggy clothes to hide his body, the detailed nightmares he
normally had, and all the panic attacks he had when he was in certain
situations attested to the diagnosis, and he was sure his recent problems were
a part of that, but Quatre wasn�t convinced that it was the sole reason why Duo
was having such a hard time with his nightmares. His excessive sleeping and
tiredness could be a sign of major depression, or Duo could just be getting
sick, but the nightmares were something else.

�� Duo and Heero could ignore the fact that they were being
overly shy with each other and being plagued by guilt, but their psyches
couldn�t. Quatre was sure that, once the two of them resolved their issues,
Duo�s nightmares would stop assaulting him so much. He needed his best friend
back and Quatre was willing to go to any depths in order to give him back.

�� He finally got his chance on Saturday, quite by chance. He
really didn�t want anyone around when he talked to Heero. He figured that, the
less people involved, the more likely Heero would be honest with him. Quatre
knew that Heero wouldn�t say a damn thing to him if Duo or Name was around and
he had been friends with Heero longer than Trowa had, so he felt that he had
the best chance to get through to the stubborn boy. He had always had a huge
respect towards Heero. He had been raised to respect people in a higher class
than himself and Heero was the one of the few people that fit that category, so
his respect, initially, had come simply because of Heero�s family, but once he
had befriended him, he had realized how bright and kind Heero could be. But
now� after Heero had left Duo alone when he had had that nightmare in class� it
was hard to respect him. He still did respect Heero and he understood his
reasons, but he refused to let this go on without having a few choice words
with Heero himself.

�� Both Name and Duo had gone to work this morning and both
would be gone until around seven, leaving Trowa, Quatre, and Heero in the
house. Quatre had thought about taking a chance in talking to Heero with Trowa
on his heels, but then they heard a high pitched screeching coming from Duo�s
room. He and Trowa had been sitting on their bed, talking about a movie that
they wanted to take Duo to see next weekend and Trowa shot out of the room at
the noise in what seemed like less than a second. Quatre followed him out, down
to Duo�s room, and saw Trowa approaching Shei, who was in an awkward heap on
the floor, crying, Shiva nudging at her in concern. Trowa picked her up gently,
sighing in worry.

�� Duo told me this might happen. She�s been getting bolder
lately. She must have fallen off the bed,� Trowa murmured, checking over Shei�s
bad leg, which was getting a little bit better as she was getting older and
exercising it more.

�� Is she ok?� Quatre asked frantically, �I don�t see any
blood, but she�s� screeching��

�� She�s just scared,� Trowa assured his lover, �It doesn�t
look like she hurt her leg too badly, but I need to get her to the vet. Even if
she�s fine, I don�t want to leave it up to chance and Duo would throw a fit if
I didn�t.�

�� Take Heero�s car,� Quatre told him, �I�ll hold down the
fort here.�

�� Trowa smirked at him, cradling the kitten to his chest,
whose cries were starting to lessen.

�� I�m sure you will, miele,� he chuckled, �Just don�t scream
at Heero too much, ok?�

�� Quatre had the grace to blush. He hadn�t told Trowa about
his plans to get Heero alone, but he supposed he was being a little bit
obvious. He watched his lover go down the steps, then
returned to their own room, keeping the door open. He waited, fighting the
impulse to tap his foot in impatience. He only had to wait fifteen minutes
before he heard Heero open his bedroom door and walk downstairs. He hadn�t
checked to see if Heero�s door had been locked; though, realistically, he could
have just broken the lock or broken down the door in order to speak to him, but
the training his father had put him through as a child came back to him. In
hostile negotiations, his father had always preached about being on �neutral�
ground. Talking in Heero�s room wouldn�t be neutral for Quatre and barging in
on Heero wouldn�t be neutral for Heero, so he had waited for Heero to make the
first move. Now, the next one was his.

�� Quatre went down to the kitchen where Heero was making
himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. He watched the Japanese
boy as he spread the peanut butter on the bread with a large knife and slowly
approached.

�� Heero, we need to talk,� he said. Heero didn�t say
anything back to him, but Quatre noticed how straight and stiff his back
suddenly became.

�� It�s about you and Duo,� he ventured cautiously.

�� There is nothing concerning �him and me�,� Heero snapped,
�You and Wufei should understand that. Even if there was something going on between us, it would be none of your damn
business.�

�� I�m your friend, so is Duo, and so is Wufei! Don�t you
think we would be worried to see that you and Duo are acting so differently
towards each other? Duo needs you, even if he can�t admit that, or even
understand it himself, but he does need you, and with the two of you driving
each other away� can�t you both see how unhealthy that is? If you�d just tell
us what�s going on, we can help the both of you-,� Quatre pleaded. He nearly
jumped up in shock when Heero suddenly stabbed the knife into the chopping
block with such force that three inches of the blade stuck into the wood and,
when Heero let go of the handle, the knife staid upright.

�� There is nothing wrong!� he growled as he turned to glare
at Quatre, �Duo will get over what happened without me, he�ll be better off
that way!�

�� Quatre stared at him, feeling anger boil up inside of him.

�� You� you ass! What makes you think that Duo will get better?! Are you
so selfish that you can�t even see that he�s suffering
by not having you as his friend anymore?! We�ve been friends since we were kids
and I can read you like a book! I miss the Heero I�ve known since then, but Duo
misses you even more! Why do you think that he�s better off without you, when
he�s show time and time again up until now that you�re the one he needs to help
him with his problems? Do you care about him or not, because right now, it
looks like you don�t even give a shit that your best friend is miserable!�

�� Heero�s hands gripped the counter hard enough that, if it
were wood, Quatre was sure that the wood would have splintered.

�� You don�t get it,� he murmured.

�� Then explain it to me!� Quatre insisted. Heero rubbed at
his eyes. He couldn�t blame either Wufei or Quatre for being this insistent, if
it had been happening with any of his other friends, he would have wanted to
know, too, but didn�t they get that this� thing couldn�t be fixed?

�� What happened in Boston,�
he murmured, �it was all my fault.�

�� No, it wasn�t,� Quatre said with a shake of his head, �It
couldn�t possibly be your fault, Heero, you hadn�t wanted for this to happen!
If you had been able to, you would have protected Duo!�

�� Yes, it is!� Heero snapped, �I promised him, over and over
and over, that I wouldn�t let anything bad happen to him ever again, I would
keep the monsters away, forever! I failed him� I let that man hurt him by not
being able to keep my promises and protect him! When I had realized that you
had left us� I should have gone back to find you and Trowa and Wufei. Duo had
told me that Wes was capable of murder, but I was so arrogant, I had thought I
could protect Duo all on my own! Because of me� because I wasn�t strong enough,
he got hurt� and now he hates me. I don�t deserve to be his friend! It�s better
for him if he isn�t near me, if he is� I�ll just let him down again��

�� Quatre made an irritated noise deep in his throat.

�� That�s bullshit, Heero!� he yelled. Heero looked away from
him and Quatre strode up to him, grabbing his friends chin and forcing him to
look him in the eye.

�� We all made that promise. Trowa and Name and I� we had all
promised Duo that we would make sure he was safe. We all failed him, not just you. We all knew the dangers, but we split
up. If we had all remembered� if we hadn�t been so cocky, I wouldn�t have left
you two alone, Trowa would have forced us to stay by
him instead of going off on our own. It was our faults�, but we aren�t blaming
each other, because all of the blame should be on Chris� shoulders, not ours.
Duo doesn�t blame any of us! I know
it may seem like he does, but is Duo really the sort of person to blame you for
something you couldn�t have stopped? Does that sound like Duo to you?! In the
end, no matter what we did, even if we locked Duo in a safe room for the rest
of his life, he will always be in danger, because he�s a human being. We
couldn�t save him because he can�t be sheltered from the world. He doesn�t want
to be sheltered. He just� wants to be normal, and everything that happened� it
was normal. Not the kidnapping, but going to Boston, wanting to be with his
friends� really, going off just the two of you, if it had been anyone else, we
wouldn�t have thought it was a risk. But because it was Duo, because we had had
previous knowledge of the threat, we thought we were to blame. We thought we
could protect him� but things are different now, we get it. Our eyes are
finally open to just how much of a monster Wes is, and the people he associates
with, and we�re not going to let our guard�s down again. Right now� right now,
we shouldn�t be blaming each other or ourselves, we should be focusing on what
Duo needs in order to feel safe and healthy again. He certainly doesn�t need
you blaming yourself, Heero! What he really needs is friendship. You say that
he blames you, but maybe he�s just too scared to ask you for your friendship.
You almost died, too, Heero! Did you ever think that maybe he blames himself for that?� Quatre took a deep
breath, feeling the anger deflate, leaving him feeling a little depressed over
this whole thing, �Even if you feel ashamed about what happened, about not
being able to protect him, he doesn�t feel safe anymore, not because he was
attacked, but because you aren�t there to protect him anymore. Isn�t his safety
more important than your pride?�

�� Heero was completely silent, unable to find a single thing
to say back to Quatre. Was he really being selfish by acting on his feelings of
shame? And� was it possible that� Duo felt responsible for all this and that
was why he was pushing him away? Just the thought gave him a headache. No, that
couldn�t be possible, and yet� Duo had always blamed himself for everything,
even being raped. But he couldn�t believe that! He couldn�t believe that they
were both suffering for the same reason! He had to believe that what he was
doing by staying away from Duo was the right thing! Quatre and Wufei had to be
wrong� for both of their sakes, this had to be the
right thing to do. He was to blame, wasn�t he?

*****

�� Duo hated volleyball. He had broken his wrist so many times
that, whenever he hit the damn ball, his entire hand, a portion of his arm,
ached. He was fast, and a good jumper since he had
strong, long legs, but he was woefully short, so most of the volleys went over
his head. If he was by the net, he couldn�t spike the ball at all, but if he
missed, the people in back of him could spike it. If he was in back, he could
hit spikes that the people up front missed, but more often than not, it went
over his head. So, it seemed like either way, he was terrible at it and often
got glared at. After every serve, the positions rotated, too, so he felt completely
useless no matter where he was.

�� They always played volleyball in early Spring,
but this year wasn�t so bad to Duo because Quatre was on his team. It was nice
not being the only short person. What was even better was that, in her infinite
wisdom, Mrs. Schbeiker had put Heero, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, and Duo all on the
same team, so Duo wasn�t glared at if he missed. Trowa would just smirk at him
and say that, when it was time to do archery and track, Duo would probably kick
all of their asses. It was something that Duo was a little proud of. When it
came to sports like basketball, football, and anything else that you had to be
tall and strong to do well, he was always terrible, but now that he had his
glasses, his aim was perfect and he had always been the best in his class at
archery, which he thought was more fun than football anyway, and he was also
the fastest runner, which Trowa was aware of. It was one of those skills he had
needed on the streets in order to survive. Being able to run from the cops or
pissed off marks was much more useful than being able to shoot a ball into a
hoop.

�� Quatre and Wufei were actually having a harder time at
volleyball than him because they had never played it before, but with Trowa�s
height and agility, and Heero�s powerful, often scary looking spikes, they were
doing quite well. It only got bad when Quatre and Duo were up front against
Zechs� team, as the boy loved to hit it high, or spike it towards Wufei when he
was in the middle, which irritated all of them. Duo wished that Heero and Trowa
could just stay up front, it would easier on all of
them since the two athletic boys caught most of the serves.

�� Duo was getting frustrated with himself. Every sport or
activity that they did in class was turned into a competition as each team had
to compete against each other until only one team was left. He thought it was
stupid, they were only in high school and it wasn�t like they won anything�
still, it miffed him that Zechs was taking blatant advantage of their
shortcomings. It wasn�t that he was winning, it was
that he was taking such glee in winning that annoyed him. Still� he was happy.
Sometimes, in a particular rotation, he and Heero would wind up next to each
other with the two of them in the front row. It was so strange, but he and
Heero made a really good team. Heero caught the high volleys easily and Duo,
who was more flexible, managed to get the low spikes. Knowing how in sync their
playing was� it made him happy. He shouldn�t be, he realized, but really, this
was the only time he could be next to Heero without feeling guilty, because he
didn�t really have a choice, so he soaked up those happy feelings while he
could.

�� Duo had thought that, sooner or later, he would have gotten
used to their strained relationship, but it just wasn�t happening. He had to
force the reasons why he wasn�t talking to Heero to come to him now, as though
he didn�t even believe in himself anymore. It was the opposite, now, his mind readily coming up with excuses why begging for
forgiveness and trying to force their friendship back to normal was a good
idea. He had to stay away because he felt guilty and he was putting Heero in
danger, but staying away from Heero didn�t absolve him of that guilt, and it
surely didn�t make Heero safer. Wasn�t Heero safer with him now, because Duo
knew how Wes operated and he could sense something was wrong? Shouldn�t he be
asking for Heero to punish him, instead of avoiding him, to make Heero feel
better? Because he knew that Heero was unhappy, though he
wasn�t entirely sure why. But in the end� he was just a coward.

�� Quatre and Duo were upfront again with Trowa in back of
Quatre, Heero in back of Duo and Wufei in the middle, a veritable recipe for
disaster if Zechs, who was on Duo�s side on the other side of the net, decided
to spike just a little too high so Duo couldn�t hit it, or volley low enough
that Wufei would miss it. Sure enough, Heero saw the familiar set up that Zechs
did and knew he was planning to nail the ball over Duo�s head. If Duo missed
it, which he probably would, Heero couldn�t hit it or he would end up hitting
Duo in the head with the ball. So, he followed his instincts and did the only
thing he could think of.

�� Duo choked out a gasp as he felt Heero grab him by the
waist from behind him and literally threw him up in the air. If anyone else had
done it, Duo would have freaked out by the action and would have fallen
awkwardly, but it was Heero, and no
matter what was going on between them, he trusted him with� well� anything.
Instead of flailing in the air, Duo did exactly what Heero had trusted him to
do, he spiked the ball as hard as he could, feeling a burst of triumph as
Zechs, like the rest of his team, was so shocked by the move, didn�t move to
hit it back, and he landed gracefully on his feet in a near crouch. Quatre,
Trowa, and Wufei stared at them in shock, but Duo was too busy feeling proud at
their odd little play and he punched the air.

�� Yes!� he crowed. He suddenly, for the first time in his
life, felt kind of happy about his height. Sure, if he had been a few inches
taller, Heero wouldn�t have had to throw him in the air, but because of his
height and weight, Heero had been able to do it with almost no effort, he had
touched him again, and, for a second, he had felt like he had flown. That, and the added bonus of shocking the hell out of Zechs
and scoring a win for their team. He didn�t notice Heero watching him with a
small, satisfied smile.

�� Heero Yuy!� Hilde screeched at them, running over to see
if Duo was ok, �We do not throw people into the air!�

�� Heero was too busy feeling happy at Duo�s honest, exuberant
smile to care that he might be in trouble.

�� But I�m ok,� Duo assured her. Hilde groaned.

�� Shocker there,� she grumbled. It had seemed like Duo got
injured every day before Yuy had come along, so it was nice to see him in one
piece and she wanted to make sure he staid that way.

�� That didn�t count!� Zechs suddenly snapped, glaring at Duo
and Heero. Hilde covered her face with her hands in frustration.

�� I�m quite sure that there is no rule in volleyball history
stating that� that move is illegal. They did get it over the net in less than
two hits, so� their team wins this game,� she said with a sigh. Hilde looked
around as the rest of the class gathered around them, highly amused about what
had just happened.

�� Alright, we�ll finish this tournament up next class.
Everyone, get cleaned up and ready for your next class,� she barked. Trowa
clapped Duo on the shoulder.

�� Good job,� he said. Duo grinned at him.��

�� Weren�t you scared?� Quatre asked as the five of them
walked into the men�s locker room. Duo shook his head.

�� No, not really. I was a little
surprised, but Heero was the one who threw me, and I knew that he wouldn�t do
anything to hurt me,� he said. Quatre and Trowa gave each other a look. Wufei
peered back at Heero who, as was typical recently, was lagging behind them. The
Japanese boy looked absolutely shocked at Duo�s words, a deep blush on his
cheeks.

�� He trusts me?� he thought over and over, unable to wrap
his mind around that single concept. That doubt, over his actions, and his
guilt, hit him again and he couldn�t stop staring as Duo rushed into one of the
changing rooms, his braid swinging over his backside. He couldn�t deny it� Duo
trusted him not to hurt him, he wouldn�t have handled being tossed like that so
well and calmly if he didn�t trust him� did that mean that Duo had trusted him
back then and had never blamed him? But then why did Duo flinch from every time
and look like he doubted him? Was he just reading him wrong? He had no idea
what to think anymore.

�� Heero made sure that he was the first one out of the locker
room and stood outside the door, waiting for Duo to come out. He suddenly felt
the very strong urge to talk to him. He needed to know what the meaning was
behind Duo�s trust in him, if he really did trust him with his life, or if he
was just soothing Quatre�s fears. He needed to know if he could fix things,
that he was wrong. For the first time since he had suspected Duo was being
abused, he hoped that he was wrong.

�� Duo was the next one out of the locker room dressed back in
his dark gray t-shirt and jeans, book bag slung over his shoulder. Heero
thought that he looked beautiful and couldn�t wait until Summer
came around, so he could see those long, pretty legs in a pair of shorts. Maybe
he could even talk Duo into going swimming with him in their pool. He knew how
body shy Duo was, but since their pool was in the back yard, no one would see
him if he wanted and he couldn�t help but remember that night in Boston when
the two of them had gone swimming together�

�� Duo�� he murmured, instantly getting Duo�s attention,
though he looked shocked that Heero was even speaking to him, his deep eyes
wide in surprise. Heero opened his mouth to speak.

�� Do you really blame yourself? Are you really unhappy
without me? Do you� do you really trust me that much? Can�t we just go back to
the way things had been before? I miss you��

�� All the things Heero wanted to say to Duo, to know, to
understand, but his voice caught in his throat. He was so scared to learn the
answers, to learn that Duo really did hate him. He would rather hope when
things were at their worst than know for sure�

�� Duo Maxwell?�

�� Duo turned towards the gym door, searching for the origin
of the voice. A woman wearing a blue, two piece suit, not nearly as expensive
as the ones that Name wore, but still neat-looking, stood at the door, looking
at Duo with an expectant expression. Duo examined her features, she looked very
familiar to him, but he knew that he didn�t know her, so why was she looking at
him as though she had known him for quite some time? None of it really mattered
to him, for the first time in over a week, Heero was talking to him. Duo turned
back to Heero, but the other boy had vanished. Duo felt something sad and
bitter settle in his stomach, but instead of indulging it, he pushed it down,
to deal with later, and looked back at the woman.

�� C-can I help you?� he asked hesitantly. He was quite sure
that he didn�t know her, if she had been a man, he would have doubted the
surety since all of his clientele had been men, but there was something about
her that was so familiar�

�� Suddenly, it clicked. He really didn�t know her, and it was precisely her that made him feel like
she was familiar, it was her features. The woman reminded him of Alex and
Aluxiel. She had Aluxiel�s red hair, the same exact shade, and Alex�s light
blue eyes, and there was something about his face that reminded him of the
twins. They were fraternal, but really, the only thing differences between them
were their eye color and hair color and this woman reminded him of both of his
friends. Looking at her made him feel lonely for them. Though she was dressed
smartly, the woman didn�t look all that old at all, for all Duo
knew, she could be there sister or mother, maybe even a cousin. He shook away
the thought. He knew a little bit about the twin�s family history and couldn�t
think of single reason for any of their relatives to be in Maine
when he knew for a fact that they weren�t even from Maine.

�� Duo blinked when the woman took his hand in hers and shook
it, a bright smile on her face.

�� Finally!� she breathed in relief, �I thought I had the
wrong schedule for you. I�ve been all over the school looking for you!�

�� And� why would you be doing that?� Duo asked, already
feeling a sharp sense of foreboding. Any adult looking for him couldn�t be a
good thing. He still got nervous whenever Une or her husband approached him.

�� Oh, how rude of me!� she exclaimed, still smiling sweetly
in a way that made Duo want to drop his defense. He thought again of the
possibility that this woman could be related to his two friends. They had that
same trait, they could just smile at you and any anger you felt at anything
would just vanish. It wasn�t an act, either. In fact, Alex reminded Duo a lot
of Quatre, he had that same intelligence and strategic mind, but he also was
very honest and sweet to be around.

�� My name�s Adylan Smith, though you can call me Addie if
you like. I�m with the School Board. I�ve been meaning to talk to you for
awhile now,� she told him. Duo felt a chill go down his spine at that piece of
information.

�� Did they revoke my right to come back to school?� he asked
in a panic. They couldn�t do that, right? He was already two months into the
semester! Besides, Treize would never allow them to kick him out of school,
right?

Adylan
waved her hands in a defensive gesture.

�� Oh, no!� she said in almost the same frantic tone as Duo,
it�s nothing like that! Mr. Khushrenada knows why I�m here and he�s volunteered
his office, so why don�t we go there? He told me it�s alright to pull you out
of your next class and I promise it�s nothing bad.�

�� Duo shrugged. He hated missing class, but he was too
relieved to protest and if he was being pulled out of class, it had to be
something important. She had said it was nothing bad, but how could he trust a
stranger? He had enough problems trying to trust people he knew. He had spent
too long having no one to trust at all and this woman was definitely not on his
small list of people he would trust, no matter what. But he followed her out of
the gym anyway, his age-old instincts of having to do what he was told,
especially when it was an adult giving him the orders, forcing him to do so.

�� He hated going to the principal�s office. Duo supposed that
every normal kid could say the same thing, but his reasons were different. Even
before his past had come to light, Treize had been nice to him, which was more
than he had ever expected out of a man in a position of power. However, in the
past, he had been called to that office a lot over absences and odd behavior,
not to mention the times that Zechs bullied him and he had had to deny it in
order to keep the silver-haired boy from telling Treize about their �deal�.
Treize had done so many good things for him lately, he shouldn�t feel that
going there was a bad thing anymore, but some habits held strong.

�� In any case, Mr. Khushrenada wasn�t in his office, having
obviously left so that Duo and Mrs. Smith could talk privately. The principal�s
absence didn�t make Duo feel any better. He couldn�t help but feel a bit� warm
inside, remembering the last time he had been here and how� comforted Treize
had made him feel. He flinched a little when Mrs. Smith closed the door.

�� Now, Duo, I want you to know that ever since the board
voted in favor of you coming back to school, we�ve been meaning to have a word
with you. Mr. Khushrenada told us the� details of your absences, which has
raised an issue amongst us,� she informed him. Duo looked at her in confusion.
What could possibly be the problem? He wasn�t getting kicked out from school,
so what did his being confined to the apartment, getting beaten and raped on a
regular basis, and then having a psychotic break have anything to do with the
School Board?

�� There is a scholarship that this high school gives out to
students who have shown� a special kind of character, something beyond what we
normally see. What you went through with your father was bad enough, but how
hard you�ve strived at this school to better yourself after all of that is
truly remarkable. If it weren�t for your absences, you would have been an honor
student since you first enrolled in High School. By your own admission, you
haven�t had much of an education, but someone of your level of intelligence and
personal strength would go far in an institution. The Board has been discussing
it with Mr. Khushrenada and your teachers and we�ve decided to give you the
scholarship,� she told him with a soft smile.

�� Duo stared at her in shock. A
scholarship? That� hadn�t been what he had been expecting. He had always
wanted to go to college, but had believed it to be a pipe dream. He and Name
hadn�t even talked about it yet and now here was this lady that was offering
him money to just that. Wasn�t this what he wanted so badly, he would do
anything for it? But� no matter how much the scholarship was for, did he really
deserve it? Did he even want it? Ok, he definitely wanted a chance to go to
college. Even if Name wanted to pay for the whole thing, a scholarship would
let him feel like he was contributing, but did he really want a handout just
because he was one of the thousands of street kids that ended up raped and
burned out before he even reached puberty? He was sure that some other kid
could use that money more than he could. He still didn�t feel like he deserved
stuff like that. What had he done that was so special?
He had accepted food from a pervert and now, he just wanted a small slice of
normalcy and going to school was a part of that. Did he really need to be
congratulated for something that he wanted to do with all his heart, something
that was contributing to his desperate clinging to sanity?

�� And then� there was that voice in the back of his head that
sounded suspiciously like Solo�s, and he knew that it was Solo�s, ordering him
to take the damn money, in the name of every street kid out there who knew that
the same society that handed out that money didn�t give a flying fuck about any
of them. If they all burned alive, every last one of them, no one but another
street rat would mourn them, or even care enough to notice, so he should just
take the money because, didn�t at least one of them deserve some recognition?
Duo suddenly realized that Solo and Shi would take the money in a heart beat,
not because they needed it or they thought that they deserved it, more as a way
to flip off the government that had abandoned them without a second thought and
say, �See? I have worth, too!�

�� What do I have to do to get it?� Duo asked,
a sudden strength and ferocity in his violet eyes that almost made Addie
shiver.

�� You and your current guardian just have to fill out a few
forms, and you have to write an essay about what you want to do with your
future, but that�s it. The scholarship will pay for the first year of any
school you decide to go to, but even that, you�re still eligible for more
money, you just have to be reviewed,� the redhead told him. Duo wanted to laugh
at her. It was a lot harder than she thought. Talk about what he wanted to do
with his life? He hadn�t the slightest idea!

�� Is that all you wanted to talk to me about?� Duo asked,
already making up his mind that he was going to fill out the forms and do the
essay.

�� That�s all,� Addie responded, digging out the forms from
her purse and handing them to the teacher. Duo shook her hand.

�� Thank you for considering me,� he said politely. Addie
smiled at him.

�� It was a pleasure meeting you,� she smiled brightly at
him, then left the office, leaving Duo staring at the
forms with a slightly lost expression. He stuffed them into his book bag and
left the office, waving to Mr. Khushrenada�s secretary, who had seen him come
and go from this office enough times that she always
said hi and cheerfully waved him back.

End Part 14

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The Road to Kindness