The Prince Bride

Disclaimer: Neither DBZVelena or ShenLong own in any way, shape, form or matter any rights to the Movie/Book "The Princess Bride" All rights remain with Act III Communications and William Goldman, the appropriate copyright owners. This story is purely for entertainment purposes, no money is being made here. This fic, "The Prince Bride" is based on this movie/book but with several twists and Yaoi content. This fic also contains many direct quotes and scenes from the movie/book.

Rating: Since both stories are rated PG.-13 and this fic is based on them. Most of the fic will be PG.-13. However be careful to check individual chapters to be sure. (ShenLong might add a lemon, you never know...)

Warnings: Violence, romance, lime, fluff, cheesy-ness, and lots more.

Pairings: Lots! *snicker*

Authors note: DBZVelena: Yes I know its been years since the last chapter. I've also cleaned up some data coruption from a AF-Net crash a few years back. Also, for those who remember, Debs-Dragon changed her pen-name to ShenLong. So i changed that in all the chapters aswell. No excuse on why it took so long other than that I just plain forgot.

ShenLong: A few years, is that all? *dusts cobwebs off previous chapters* Oh yeah, so it has. Guess I'd better find the muse then. *drags muse kicking and screaming from the retirement home*

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The Prince Bride

Chapter 21 "G's Miracle shop"



"High ho,high ho, it's off to work we go..." sang the man/elf.

"Do you have to sing?"

"I can't whistle."

"Then I have some bad news for you, you can't sing either," replied Wufei. "Besides, it's the wrong fairy tale. That's from Snow White."

"It is? Damn. Oh well, not to worry I suppose."

The man/elf fell silent and the three continued their trek through the forest. Technically speaking it was two men, one body and a spirit; the ghost kind, not the alcoholic type which would have been much to Wufei's disappointment had he known about the spirit bit as he was known to enjoy a drop, okay, more than a drop; if we're going to be honest it was more like a few bottles, but he didn't so it was a moot point really.

Duo floated along, completely oblivious to Wufei's infatuation with spirits; the alcoholic kind, not the ghostly kind; wondering where they were taking his well toned, slightly burned and a little bit dead, body.

The group came upon a cottage and Wufei knocked on the door.

For a moment there was silence and Wufei was about to knock again when a voice yelled out. "Bugger off, we're closed."

Not one to give up so easily, Wufei hammered on the door again.

A small panel in the door slid open and a huge beak shaped nose appeared. Wufei couldn't miss the nose as it stuck prominently out of the gap. Idly Wufei wondered if there was a face attached to the end of it and then unfortunately discovered that there was. A wrinkled, face with a mushroom, of what Wufei discovered after his second look to be gray hair, appeared, unfortunately attached to the nose

"Can't you read the sign? It say's we're closed!"

"What sign? There isn't any sign out here."

"Shit! Knew there was a reason I had this knot tied in my hanky, just couldn't remember what it was supposed to remind me to do." Said hanky appeared and the old man blew his nose on it before tucking it out of sight. "What do you want?" he asked when he realized the guy was still standing there.

"Is this G's Miracle Shop for all Occasions?"

"I don't know; is it?"

"That's what the sign above the door states," replied Wufei.

"Then that's what it must be."

"So this is G's Miracle shop and I take it that G is the same G that worked for the king for many years?"

The nose shifted slightly to let the face get in a glare. "Maybe. I would still be working for the king only his stupid daughter fired me."

"Princess Relena fired you?" asked Trowa as he dropped Duo's body to the ground. There was only so much weight a person could carry after all and whilst the pirate may have looked slim, slender with powerful muscles and well honed body, he was also a dead weight.

"Stupid cow. She wanted me to find her a husband that would love her and I told her it would take more than any miracle I could ever come up with; so she fired me. I think it may have been something I said. Anyway, thanks for asking, but we're closed." The nose abruptly pulled back and the sliding panel slammed shut.

Wufei was beginning to get a little pissed by this stage and began to hammer on the door again.

The door panel was yanked open and the nose barked, "Beat it or I'll call the brute squad."

Trowa looked up from where he was cleaning his fingernails with a sharp looking knife. "Hey, Wufei. I'm on the brute squad aren't I?"

"You're on the brute squad?" asked the nose.

Wufei sighed and rolled his eyes in frustration. "We really need a miracle."

The nose paused for a moment and then the voice behind it spoke. "I retired a while ago. Besides, why would you want something from somebody that the pink, pop headed princess fired anyway? I just might end up killing the person you want the miracle for."

"I really don't think that will happen; you see, he's already dead," stated Wufei matter-of-factly.

"I am?" said Duo as he hovered around. "Well that sucks."

The nose twitched. "Really?"

"Yes," said Wufei.

"You're not shitting me?"

"No."

"Well, what are you waiting for? Bring him in and I'll take a look." The panel slid shut again and then there was the sound of bolts being undone and finally the heavy door swung open.

Trowa carried the body of Duo to the table G indicated and set it down, Wufei was close behind him and Duo the spirit, the ghost kind not alcoholic kind, floated along with them, taking a good look around the inside of the cottage.

G studied the body for a moment and then lifted one of Duo's arms and let it drop again. Wufei watched, concern written on his face. G turned to the pair. "Don't worry, I've seen worse," he said and then proceeded to poke and prod at the corpse.

Wufei and Trowa both watched the miracle worker as he prodded around. Duo, the spirit, also watched with a frown on his ghostly features. He wasn't too sure about this mushroom haired guy and could only hope he wasn't into necrophilia either.

Wufei was becoming impatient and opened his mouth. "Look, I don't mean to push or anything, but we are in a bit of a rush."

G looked up and scowled. "Don't push it sonny or you'll get a rotten miracle. You got money?"

Wufei looked pointedly at Trowa who dug in his pocket and handed over the change he found. Wufei gave him another look and Trowa rolled his eyes before digging into his pocket again and coming up with the credit card. Wufei handed it over. "Sixty five cents and a credit card," he said.

G took the offerings and studied them. "Shit! I never work for such a paltry amount, well, maybe once, but that was a noble cause. Damn, this is a Diner's club card; I don't accept Diner's Club. You got Mastercard, Visa or American Express?"

Trowa shook his head, Wufei intervened once more. "But sir, this is a noble cause, this man, his wife is a cripple, his children are starving..."

Spirit Duo glanced up from the pile of Boy toy magazines he'd found and was currently trying to peruse. "Oy! I'm gay, thank you very much so there's no chance of me having kids. Besides, I'm too young for parental responsibilities!"

"You're a rotten liar," stated G.

Trowa was doing his best not to laugh.

Wufei tried again. "I need him to help me avenge my father's murder twenty years ago?"

"Stick with the first one Wuffers," muttered Duo.

"Your first story was better," said G.

"Fuck! What the hell are you, a clairvoyant?" mumbled Duo.

G shifted towards the fireplace. "He probably owes you money I'd say. Never mind, we'll soon ask him. Now, where are those bellow thingys?"

How the hell can we ask him? In case it's missed your attention, he's dead," spluttered Wufei.

"Ah, that's where you're wrong, oh Chinese man who thinks he knows so much because he used to be a scholar. This man is only mostly dead; there is a distinct difference between mostly dead and all dead. If someone is mostly dead I can still work with them; all dead? Well there is only one thing you can do with them. Here, open his mouth for me will you?"

Wufei scratched his head. "And what would that be?"

"Go through their pockets and look for valuables."

Spirit Duo's head jerked up. "Don't you damn well dare!" Duo began to panic with the thought of someone going through his pockets, he was sure he'd still got the lube, butt plug and a few other assorted goodies hidden away in there. Fortunately for him, Wufei was a man of honor

G began to squeeze the bellows, forcing air into Duo's body and making the spirit hyperventilate. Trowa had discovered the stack of Boy toy magazines and was happily looking through them whilst Wufei just watched, not game to ask anymore questions. Happy that he'd gotten quite a bit of air into Duo's body, G removed the bellows and yelled into the dead man's ear.

"Hello in there. Anybody home? What's so important that it's worth living for?"

"Is this guy a few cards short of a deck or what?" muttered Duo. "You have to be kidding me. The answer to the million dollar question would be true love of course."

G pushed down on Duo's chest just as spirit Duo got to the true love bit of his rant and the corpse's lips fluttered. "Trrrruuu.... ooovvvveee..."

"There, see? What did I tell you," started Wufei. "True love; you can't get a better cause than that."

G tugged on a few nose hairs. "Yes, true love is a great cause, but it isn't the case here. He clearly said 'tooo bllluuuvvv... and that means to bluff. He obviously beat you at poker or something and now it's a case of sour grapes on your behalf."

"Lies! Lies!" came a shriek from the doorway and a woman entered the room.

"Get back on your broomstick, witch," grumbled G.

"Hey! I'm no witch, I'm your wife. Although I'm not sure I want to be that anymore."

"You won't leave, you've never had it so good," muttered G. "Shame I can't come up with a miracle for myself when I need one," he added under his breath.

The woman ignored her husband, homing in on the body instead. "He said true love, true love you hear me?!"

G shook his head as if trying to rid his ears of the ringing noise. "Aw crap. I think you perforated my eardrums. Don't say anything else, Sally."

Sally the 'witch' dragged her eyes away from the gorgeous hunk of corpse on the table for a moment and faced the two visitors. Well, there were three, but they couldn't see Duo's spirit so he didn't count. "He's afraid you know,' she said with a nod of her head. "Ever since that perfect pink princess Relena up at the castle fired him he's been afraid. He's lost his confidence, that's what his problem is. Well that and the fact that he gets really bad flatulence in the evenings but I don't think we need to go there as it's not relevant to the case at hand..."

G took that moment to interrupt; that was way too much information. "Don't say that name, it gives me the willies. You promised you wouldn't say that name again."

"What name? Oh, you mean Relena?" Sally said with an evil smirk. "Relena... Relena... Relena... Releeeena, Releeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnaaaaaaa...."

G tried to pull his mushroom hair down over his ears. "I'm not listening."

The witch wife spun around and faced off. "That gorgeous hunk of manhood's life is expiring and you don't even have the decency to help him!" she snapped.

Wufei thought that maybe now would be a good time to back up the witch wife. "This is Heero's one true love, if you help him then we can stop Princess Relena's wedding and that will not only humiliate her beyond compare, but will also royally piss her off."

"So you're saying that if I make him better Relena will suffer?" said G, a smile beginning to form on his face.

"She would probably cry," whispered Wufei in a knowing voice.

"Now that is a worthy cause! I'll take the sixty five cents and the Diner's Card, move over, Miracle G is on the case!"

"Yes!" yelled witch Sally.

"About time," muttered Duo.

***

A little while later and much mixing of herbs, spices and other stuff that miracle workers mix together, the miracle pill was ready.

"That's the miracle pill?" asked Wufei as he picked up a small, round object and studied it.

"No, that's my viagra," snapped G and snatched the pill away. "That's the miracle pill," he said and nodded to where Sally was coating another pill with something.

Sally looked up into the questioning eyes of the Chinese man. "What? Chocolate makes it go down easier," she said in defense. "You will have to wait at least fifteen minutes though before it starts to work and you shouldn't try swimming for a least, errr..."

"An hour?" offered G.

"Yes, an hour."

The miracle pill was carefully placed in a leather bag then Trowa picked up corpse Duo and followed Wufei out the door. Spirit Duo floated along behind them.

Wufei paused as they left and turned back to address the miracle worker one last time. "Goodbye and thank you," he said before turning away into the forest.

"Don't mention it," replied G. "And if you do then don't put my name to it," he added quietly as both he and Sally waved the group off.

"Bye, guys," called sally. "Come and see us again some time."

"Have fun storming the castle," called G with a smirk.

Sally turned to her husband. "You think it will work?"

G tugged again at his nose hairs as he thought about the complexities of the miracle pill and conceded that a defibrillator, adrenaline injection and life support system would probably have given the corpse a better chance of returning to the land of the living; but seeing as how he wasn't a fully equipped emergency ward he would simply have to rely on the pill. "It's going to take a miracle," he muttered by way of reply.

~ * ~

tbc.....