Quatre Winner\'s Diary

February: The Truth Comes Out

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Sunday, Feb. 2nd
10:15 am

Okay, I\'m gay.

10:16 am

I\'m gay. I like boys.

10:18 am

I kissed Duo and I liked it. So, I\'m gay. I have to be. One simple kiss from one of my best friends made me feel something that no kiss made me feel before. I felt warm and cold all at once. It was great. Except it was Duo. Which made it weird, because it was Duo.

Well a few good things came out of yesterday. One, dinner with Trowa was wonderful. For once I cuddled with a person and didn\'t feel weird. But, he got me inebriated. Very, very inebriated. And he was equally drunk. And I told him everything, from the same sex dreams to Friday night, leaving out the part that he made me feel fuzzy and happy, and of course the part where I called out his name in bed. He\'s a really good listener, and afterwards I felt better. Then he held me and petted my hair. People have done that before, but there was something about this time that made it…perfect. I loved it. Which was hint number one that came to this morning\'s revelation.

So, around midnight, after a few hours of drinking and cuddling (God he smells great) Trowa decided that I needed to get home, but we were both too drunk to look up a cab in the phone book (that says something.) So he took my cell and called Duo, mostly because I couldn\'t see straight, which was due more to exhaustion then alcohol, and the fact that a madly handsome man held me most of the night giving me a major head rush. But during the entire conversation, he didn\'t let go of me. In fact he didn\'t let me move until Duo came.

The rest of this I can\'t explain, and there\'s no reason to. I was happy. Ecstatic even, and somewhere between his car and my door, I kissed Duo. On the lips. Hard. And he kissed back. But when it broke, we both knew that there was something missing from the kiss, even if it was good.

\"So d\'ya like it?\" he asked as he led me to bed.

\"It was okay.\"

\"Yeah. Ya know I\'ve had a crush on ya since college.\"

\"Not a clue. Did you know I was gay?\"

\"Yup. Ya know now too?\"

\"Yeah. That was the best kiss I\'ve ever had, which says a lot.\"

\"Yup. Wait until you find a guy you actually like.\"

\"I like you.\"

\"Not like you like Trowa.\" About that time he was putting me into bed.

\"You\'re right. I told you he held me all night right?\"

\"Yup.\"

\"And I liked it, a lot.\"

\"Yup.\"

\"Do you think he\'ll date me?\"

\"Only if he doesn\'t think you\'re straight, now.\"

\"I hope he doesn\'t.\" There was a pause in the conversation. I think it was a pause, I could have just black out for a bit.

\"So my kiss straightened out your life? I didn\'t even know my own strength.\"

\"Did it tell you anything?\"

\"Only that kissing you is weird.\"

\"Do you mean that you don\'t like me anymore?\" I pouted. I know I look cute when I pout.

\"Not like that. The entire time I was kinda wishing you were Heero.\"

\"I wanted you to be Trowa.\"

\"Guess we\'re just two guys who are head over heels for different guys.\"

\"Yup.\"

After that, he kissed me on the forehead and crawled into the other side of the bed. So that leaves me where I am now. Gay and actually relieved that I figured it out. Now I need to call people and come out. How do you do that actually? \"Hi! This is Quatre. Guess what, I\'m gay.\" That would go over really well. I guess I\'ll have to wait for Duo to wake up. Maybe he can help. He did this before.

10:25 am

He\'s not awake yet. I wonder how long he\'ll sleep.

10: 28 am

He\'s still not awake. I wonder if I should try and rouse him.

10:35 am

I wonder if he even knows that I\'m up. Maybe I should makee noe noise. Or brush my teeth and the stare at him like I did in college when he was going to be late for class.

11:12 am

Duo\'s up. I held myself about three inches from his face and stared until he woke up. Works every time.

\"What the fuck is it Q?\" he asked as he rolled onto his stomach.

\"I\'m gay.\"

\"Yes you are.\"

\"How do I tell people?\" He rolled back and opened his cobalt eyes.

\"Now there\'s the ten million dollar question. So who do you want to tell?\" This time he sat up and I bounced down next to him.

\"Coffee first?\"

\"No coffee, this is more important. Although, you do have the rest of your life to be gay...\"

\"Funny.\"

\"Hey for you this isn\'t a lifestyle choice, but a lifestyle realization, so it\'s not going to come as much of a surprise. So you can just call most people up and tell them \'Hi, I\'m gay. I finally figured it out\' and no one would care.\"

\"Okay…\"

\"Except maybe Trowa and your Dad. Although I think he knows. You act way too much like your Uncle Asum for him not to know. Hell, even Hank knows you\'re gay, and he\'s got the worst gaydar out of everyone I\'ve ever met. Even Dorothy has better gaydar, and she\'s straight.

\"Trowa on the other hand, well he likes you. Take it slow with him, make sure you know you\'ve got real feelings for him, because you always fall for your first. It\'s got something to do with the gratitude. So, if you don\'t want to exchange that feeling for real love, well then you have to be careful. I think he could be your other half, and I usually have a good idea about those things.\"

\"And Heero\'s yours.\"

\"I\'m not sure about that one yet.\"

\"That wasn\'t a question. That was a statement. So I should just call people and say I\'m gay?\"

\"That\'s what I would do. That or have them over for a big party and get them trashed on Jungle Juice.\"

\"I have a lot of phone calls to make.\"

2:45 pm

Duo\'s still here, which makes me happy, but Wufei was at his house looking for him. It had something to do with a rectal exam…I don\'t know if I want to hear the whole story. But being Wufei, he assumed that Duo was over here. So when he showed up a little after one, with flowers, and Duo remembered his promise.

\"Ah, you shouldn\'t have. I would do that for any friend that\'s studying to be a doctor, ya just have to be careful with the prostate or give me a smoke afterwards.\" Duo wiggled suggestively, taking the vase from \'Fei.

\"They\'re not from me, I found them outside your door,\" Wufei said flopping down into a chair. \"By the way Quatre, congratulations on your promotion.\"

\"It\'s not really a promotion, but taking a position that was already set up for me, but thank you.\" I looked to Duo who was mouthing the words \'tell him.\' \'Fei turned around and looked at the braided one.

\"What in heaven\'s name are you doing back there?\" he asked irritated.

\"Nothing Wu. So, let\'s see who these are from.\" Duo grabbed the card from the bouquet of dandelions, and started to read it out loud. \"\'To my Dandelion Boy from your secret admirer.\'\" Duo blinked a few times just staring at the card before his face lit up. \"He sent me flowers, Q. He sent me dandelions. I can\'t believe Heero sent me flowers!\" Duo stated to dance around clutching the vase to his chest.

\"First a puppy, now flowers. Soon that man will be sending him underwear,\" Wufei quipped.

\"I\'ll make sure he finds out Duo\'s size. The strangest thing about this is Heero liked that song way before he ever saw Duo.\"

\"Sounds like it\'s meant to be.\"

\"Precisely.\"

\"So, how did things between you and Dorothy go?\" I must have gotten a look on my face.

\"That well?\"

\"Well, tell him Q,\" Duo called out from the kitchen.

\"Wufei, I have something very important to tell you,\" I started. God this sounded corny.

\"After all these years; well I\'m glad you finally figured it out. I suppose, you think, this is how I wanted to find out though?\"

\"You mean you knew?\"

\"I already explained that to you, Q,\" Duo interrupted. \"We all knew. We were just waiting for you to figure it out.\"

\"Duo said it would be for the best that way. You would eventually come around,\" \'Fei added with a smirk.

\"Why am I always the last to know?\" I pouted.

\"Because you want to be clueless,\" Duo joked.

\"Well, that\'s one down, and now there\'s only a million to go,\" I sighed.

\"It could have been worse. You could have told him like you told me.\" Duo flopped down next to me, throwing an arm over my shoulders.

\"And how was that?\" Wufei asked challengingly.

\"He kissed me.\" I could have killed him for that comment.

\"You fucking kissed Duo?\" One thing about Wufei, when he\'s agitated his language gets really coarse.

\"Uh-huh.\" I was squeaking. God this is embarrassing.

\"Yeah, at least I made his knees weak. Lena wasn\'t even effected.\"

\"You know Duo, \'Fei is the only one you haven\'t kissed. Maybe you should see if his knees get weak.\" Turnabout\'s fair game.

\"He\'s welcome to try, but I assure you I won\'t become weak from it. He can\'t be that good or he wouldn\'t be single.\"

\"Ouch Wu-man, that one hurt.\"

\"Well I bet if he kissed Heero he wouldn\'t be celibate either.\" I had to get that one in.

\"Says the little virgin Murry.\" Duo could be creative with insults if he wanted to.

\"Murry?\" Of course Wufei always questions his sense of humor.

\"Well, he\'s a guy.\"

\"At least \'s \'s by choice.\"

\"Kind of. You could call denial a choice.\" This was getting mean.

\"Boys!\" And here comes Papa \'Fei to break up the fight. \"Quatre\'s had a hard weekend, Duo and doesn\'t need to be teased anymore.\"

\"I know he\'s had a hard weekend. I was the one who was here for it.\"

\"And I appreciated it. Besides all I was saying is if you kissed Heero remotely like you kissed me, you wouldn\'t have clothes on for long.\" I gave him my best \'I\'m cute and you love me\' smiles.

\"Yeah right, he\'s just hitting on me to get rid of Lena.\"

\"Shit I need to call Lena.\"

4:11 pm

So I called Lena. She\'s ecstatic, and said that she has to take us all out to dinner as a celebration. If I had known that I\'d get free stuff I would have figured this all out before. Of course I don\'t really know how to be gay.

\"Dude, you just act like you normally do, except you have to learn how to dress better,\" Duo said heading to my closet.

\"I dress fine.\"

\"You dress like a gay man who\'s trying to be straight,\" Wufei added. \"You should listen to him, he does know what he\'s talking about.\"

\"So, how does a gay man dress?\"

\"Well…like he\'s concerned with his clothes. The modern gay man wants to look good, so he dresses well, but comfortable, and he gets to play with all those neat things that women get like boot cut pants. Just no more pink.\" I swear to you the pink isn\'t my fault. When you have twenty-nine sisters who view you as their Ken doll, there\'s nothing you can do about it. And if Dad asks, I\'m blaming this all on them. \"Do you really like you\'re clothes?\"

Okay, I did have to think about this one. Did I like my wardrobe?…Um, I never really did. Even some of my new clotheeen\'en\'t quite to my taste, but there is a lot of stuff I like.

\"Some of it.\" Good answer, but I\'m afraid it might have been the wrong one. Especially with the wicked gleam in Duo\'s eyes. I\'m in for trouble.

12:32amSo after two hours of dressing, and throwing out the stuff that Duo said was too straight, we finally got out to dinner with Lena. We had fun. I didn\'t drink a thing, I wanted to see how people reacted to me now that I\'m gay. Funny thing is, they don\'t treat me different. It\'s like I\'m the same guy, but now I feel free to check out the other men in the room. There are some attractive males in NYC. Lots of attractive men. It\'s like being in a candy store.

So it\'s good to be gay. God I feel like something\'s been lifted from me. It\'s amazing. I feel lighter, and better about myself. Maybe I should call Trowa, just to talk. That could be a wonderful way to end this great night.