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The Road to Kindness	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 7934 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 24
- 25
- 26
Chapter
7

Part
19

�Ever since
Wes realized that you had run away, the idiot thought that you were going to come running back to him. Then, a month passed and he
started looking for you and went fucking nuts!�

�I love you.�

The
water, incredibly, was still warm when Duo settled into the tub. So often, by
the time Wes told him to wash up, what few days he got to, the man had been in
it for so long that the water was ice cold. He only ever got a bath when Wes
did and Wes hated baths; said that they were more than waste collectors, which
was true, but for Duo- who spent most of his time nursing sore muscles from
jobs- they were nice, too. Wes, at least, was in agreement about that and,
after being shot weeks ago for a reason that he hadn�t told Duo about, which
meant it had something to do with drugs, probably, he had been taking a lot of
baths lately to soak his wounded leg in, though it was mostly healed now.

Wes was still in the tub when he called Duo in. At
fourteen years old, Duo had lived with him too long to try to hide his
nakedness as he slipped into the warm water, or be embarrassed by Wes�, either.
The blonde didn�t even make much room for him in the small tub, so they were
pressed back to chest as Duo sat in the tub in between Wes� legs. Maybe years
ago he would have been embarrassed by such close proximity, but it was
something he had gotten used to. Well, he had gotten used to it in the sense
that it no longer shocked him and he had come to expect it, but it still made
his skin crawl a little. Duo, his legs bent slightly in front of him, the water
almost to his chest, started to clean himself with the
soap. He didn�t care that Wes was watching him, he had a chance to get clean,
to get the smell of semen and sweat off of him and he wasn�t going to waste it
worrying about the man behind him.

Even though Duo told himself these things, he still
froze when he felt Wes wrap his arms around his waist in an oddly affectionate
gesture, drawing him even closer against him. The larger man didn�t say a word,
but Duo knew what was coming. Still, when he felt rough fingers slide against
his entrance, he shivered. Even as two of them slid inside of him, aided by the
warm, soapy water, Duo tried to concentrate solely on covering his arms in
soap. It became impossible when he felt Wes grab at his waist, lifting him up a
little so he could slide inside of him. The soap slipped from Duo�s fingers and
he bit back a choked groan as Wes� impressive length thrust completely inside
of him. He squeezed his eyes shut, but that only heightened his awareness of
how much his insides were being stretched.

Wes was being annoyingly gentle as he fucked him,
something that Duo couldn�t stand. Each thrust was accompanied with a deep
sensation of pleasure, the thick organ stroking and rubbing against his
sensitive passage, and not pain. It was something that he wasn�t used to from
the blonde. He could understand, and had become used to, the painful rapes, but
this� this slow, sensuous sex� it made him feel sick because he actually liked
it. How could he possibly get used to that? It made him feel ashamed, it made
him hate himself because he couldn�t help but wonder if he deserved the abuse,
because he was sick and twisted enough to enjoy getting fucked by his rapist.
He couldn�t help but think� it felt kind of nice, surrounded by the warm water,
Wes� strong chest pressed against his slender back and his cock buried deep
inside of him� so why did he feel like throwing up, like thrashing, like
forcing Wes to hurt him, just so he could stop this dark, swirling, disgusting
feeling in his heart and chest?

Duo�s violet eyes shot open in shock as he felt one of
Wes� large hands slide down his stomach, the simple touch making his stomach
tremble in anticipation, and his long fingers wrapped gently around his
half-hard erection, stroking lightly, barely even a touch, but enough to send
spark of pleasure through his nerves. Those fingers wrapped around him and
stroked, rougher this time, making his cock twitch and harden fully in his
hand.

�No�� Duo begged, squirming on Wes� lap. He hated when
Wes was in this sort of mood. He hated it when the man made him climax like
this. He was the whore; he was supposed to make Wes like it, so why did Wes
have to do this to him when he didn�t want him to?

�Ssh,� Wes soothed against
Duo�s shoulder. Duo could hear the heated pleasure in his voice, could feel his
hips pounding into him, his cock driving into him over and over again, making
his legs tremble with his stomach. He could even feel it in his own dick, pounding
with pleasure. Wes�s other hand went further down, his fingers teasing Duo�s
sac.

�Ah!� Duo tried to bite down, to keep the cry stifled,
but it escaped anyway. He couldn�t hide how good Wes� hands were making him
feel, even as he grit his teeth and dug his nails into his palms to keep from
feeling it. He could feel his cock throbbing, already begging for release as
Wes relentlessly stroked it with his rough, experienced hand while the other
one was softer, gentler in squeezing and rubbing his testicles. Under the
water, his toes curled, everything, from his cock to his back, throbbing in
pleasure, in the need to climax. When he felt Wes� thumb caress the slit of his
cock, and every nerve he had tingled with it, burned relentlessly, Duo lost it.
He would have come with that feeling if Wes hadn�t suddenly squeezed on his
balls and the base of his cock at the same time.

�Please,� he begged and Duo was shocked by his own
voice, as though he couldn�t equate the person that had spoken with himself.
What the hell was wrong with him? He wasn�t like this� he wasn�t the sort of
person that could enjoy his own rape, right? But� he was. He was a slut, the
worst sort of person. Wes was right, he deserved
everything that he did to him. Both he and Zechs were right, this was all he
was good for, his purpose in the world.�� Please
what?� Wes prodded, the fat head of his dick striking Duo�s prostate and his
hand stroking harder at the longhaired boy�s cock at the same time, making
Duo�s back arch at the sensation.

�Please, make me cum�� Duo cried out, his voice rough.
His entire body was burning at the same time that his mind was screaming that
this was wrong, he didn�t want Wes to make him orgasm, he didn�t even want an
orgasm at all, he didn�t even want the man touching
him. Wes pulled the teenager off of him and Duo whined, embarrassed by it but
unable to stop the sound. The man turned him around and forced his head down
until Duo�s soft lips were touching his cock.

�Suck,� he ordered, �Do a good job and I�ll show you my
appreciation.�

It was in Duo�s mind not to, to disobey him. He didn�t
want to be the sort of person who would willfully do this, but in the end, it
really didn�t matter, did it? Whether he sucked Wes off so he could calm his
body, or he did it because he didn�t want to be punished, either way he was
going to do it. He opened his mouth and swallowed the head of Wes� cock. The
organ was halfway out of the water and in order to swallow him completely, he
had to go under the water, making it impossible to breathe through his nose. He
did it, sliding up and down on the bitter tasting flesh so he could still
breathe. His eyes widened as he felt Wes� hand wrap around his own cock once
more and stroke it hard and roughly. The pace was too much and he moaned around
the length in his mouth.

As he climaxed, Wes lifted his hips out of the water
slightly, catching most of Duo�s cum on his hand. Duo lapped hard on Wes�
member, hoping to make him come soon, too, only to have the man grab his head
and force him completely down on his lap, hitting the back of his throat and
making Duo choke, unable to breathe in the water. Cum filled Duo�s mouth and he
was pulled back out of the water.

�Don�t swallow,� Wes ordered him, a rough edge to his
voice as he panted, though Duo couldn�t tell if it was a warning or simply
because he had just climaxed. His own body was shaking a little from the force
of his, he wasn�t used to having an orgasm during sex, usually Wes didn�t allow
him to, nor did something like this to him. Reflexively, Duo closed his throat,
not chancing whatever Wes would do to him if he disobeyed. He was further
shocked when the man covered his mouth and nose with his cum-covered hand, in
his surprise, licking up a lot of his own semen.

Wes pinched Duo�s nose shut and squeezed his throat
with his other hand, making it impossible for the boy to breathe or swallow.
Duo choked, his shock and instinct making him want to swallow or throw up the cum, but unable to. It tasted funny and he realized that
he tasted different than Wes did. He struggled against the man�s grip, his
vision going gray like it had the night Wes had first raped him and had almost
killed him.

Then, just like that night, suddenly, when he started
to surrender to the sensation of dying, unable to breathe, Wes released him and
Duo swallowed the load in his mouth, coughing and gasping in huge gulps of air.
When his vision cleared, he felt Wes holding him, his arms wrapped around him
as he was curled up in the man�s lap. His heart hammered in his chest unpleasantly,
the near death experience making his entire body go into hyper drive, but Wes
was holding him gently, as though he were a small child. The warm water lapped
at them, waves caused by Duo�s thrashing. Duo�s eyes slid closed at the odd
dual feelings of revulsion, the need to fight, and the calming comfort of
another human being holding him so lovingly in the relaxing water.

The water and cum on his cheeks masked the tears that
slid down his face, though there was no one looking at him to notice.

�� Duo awoke in near darkness, his heart
pounding in his chest, gasping for breath, and a terrible taste in his mouth.
On top of all of that was a tight, tearing sensation in his head that was
giving him an awful headache. He felt cold and hot at the same time, shivering
and sweating. He quickly realized that he was hot from the humid weather and
cold because of shock. He was dressed in his pajamas, as expected, but he was
definitely not in his room.��

It was dark because it was still dark out, but the low
light was not from his orb, it was from street lights peering out of the narrow
alley he was in. His bare feet were scraped and bloody, presumably from walking
a long way with no shoes on, though he had no recollection of even leaving the
house. Was he still dreaming, still lost in am memory masquerading as a
nightmare? No, the pain from his feet, the shaking and the humidity, these were
not phantoms like the taste of cum in his mouth was. He was most definitely
awake. But� he couldn�t be� He had fallen back to sleep, he had dreamed of that
time, only a year ago, and then� there was nothing after that� his mind was
blank. Had he blacked out again? Had his fears come true and he had done more
things without realizing it? If he had, this went beyond getting a glass of
water.��

No, he decided, this couldn�t be a blackout. During
blackouts, he still acted rationally. He was still himself when it happened, he
just couldn�t remember anything,
getting a glass of water, even the hallucination in class had been very rational,
very him, but there was absolutely
nothing rational about getting up in the dead of night and walking to� where
was he?��

Panic filled him, making his heart race even more,
feeling as though it were pressed against his rib cage. He was outside, not just
outside, but in a street, all alone, without his taser. He was away from home,
away from his sanctuary. He wasn�t safe� Oh, fuck� he couldn�t get a hold of anyone� and it was dark� it was so dark
and he was all alone� he was helpless, vulnerable, it wasn�t safe� This place
he knew this place. It was all familiar, but that familiarity, though he
couldn�t place it, was terrifying him. There was something, something deep
inside of him screaming that this was a very bad place to be. He knew these
walls. He knew that dumpster. He knew these smells and those lights� that
recognition felt like a needle burrowing into his brain.

Warm arms
wrapped around him, cuddling him close in the pleasantly warm water. They made
him feel small and vulnerable, like a child being held by a protective parent,
someone that loved him�

It hit him, almost like a physical force. He fell to
his knees in shock, not realizing that he was skinning them on the rough
pavement, tears streaming down his cheeks. His breath hitched and his panic
surged like a living thing inside of him. How could he have forgotten this
place? This was where Wes had met him that night, the night he had made the
worst decision of his life� he should have died here, starved
to death or killed himself� he might as well have lost his soul in this alley
after what he had done to himself by following Wes home. Why� why would he
sleepwalk here, after dreaming those
things? What was his mind trying to tell him? ��

�I love you.��

�Wes� he�s been stalking me� isn�t that what Chris had
said? Then� No!� Duo wrapped his arms around his
knees, his body shaking as he sobbed, �No, no, no� I don�t want to think about
that!��

Why did Wes have to say that to him? He hated him, he wanted to
hate Wes, because that was normal, that was what everyone had expected from
him.

�I love you.��

He didn�t love him. Wes couldn�t love him. All those
terrible things he had done� how could he possibly...?

�You�re like a
son to me.��

All he had ever wanted� a loving parent, someone to
protect him, save him, love him, Wes could never be that. He had hurt him, so
badly. But Wes loved him� he was all he had known of authority and power; he
had been an ounce of stability in his life. He had been his world as a child,
inserting himself in his life over and over and��

�� He had
saved him. He didn�t have control over anything. His life� his death� it had
always been in Wes� hands. He had strangled him, choked him, but he had decided
to keep him alive. Even now, Wes was in control. He owned him. He had run away, he had survived and escaped, but he
wasn�t free. Wes was still there, constantly there, and until he died, he
always would. Maybe, even if he did die,
like a ghost, he would still be there. In Boston,
he had saved him again, with a single phone call. Had he done it because he
really loved him, or had Wes done it just to show him the power and domination
he still held over him? Or had he done it for both reasons?��

Chris was right. He was still nothing more than a dog
for them to order around. Would he always be less than human? Duo shook his
head almost violently and stumbled to his feet, not eve noticing his wounds on
his knees and feet. He wasn�t a dog� Wes had such an intense hold over him,
but� he had run away. Name� Heero� he
had choices, damn it! He wasn�t a
fucking slave, Wes wasn�t his destiny, his only fate.
The man could stalk him all he liked, but he wouldn�t go back to him, he never
wanted to return to that darkness!��

He might be swirling in his past, sure that he
belonged to Wes and could only ever return to his life as a whore, but he had
Heero and Name and all his friends, if he clung to them and his newfound life
with all of his strength, then maybe, maybe he could save himself. Maybe� for
the first, real time, he could tell Wes �no�, with every fiber of his being.��

*****��

The only good thing about realizing where he was, was that Duo now knew how to get back home. Ironically,
the same panic and fear that was giving Duo one of his terrible stress attacks
also stalled the attack from happening while he was out in the open and
vulnerable. That stress made his wounds invisible to him. He didn�t care about
anything except going home, being safe. It hit him then that he had to go past
the apartment on his way. When he came too close, his heart raced to the point
he felt lightheaded and dizzy and he nearly threw up before he even came to the
building.��

Once he started to recognize things, he realized he
couldn�t get through seeing the apartment or thinking of the possibility of
being so close to Wes. He squeezed his eyes shut and ran as fast as his hurt
feet and knees would allow, not caring if he ran into anything, as long ash e
got far away from that� place. After counting to twenty, he opened his eyes
again and continued to walk back to the house, feeling like his insides were
trying to crawl out his throat with the impending panic attack.�

The sight of the quiet, well-kept neighborhood and the
large white house was heaven. Despite the fear that hadn�t surrendered its grip
on his heart and mind, he had started to feel his wounds several minutes ago.
His feet and knees felt red hot from the constant walking, but once he was
standing at the door, though he could feel the pain now, he found that he
didn�t care. He wondered again if he had been sleepwalking or had blacked out,
because the door was still locked, the security system still armed. He
considered the possibility that he had climbed out his bedroom window, but that
was just stupid and probably impossible whether he was awake or asleep. ��

The Yuy�s had the newest kind of security system, top
of the line. They had the old fashioned keys, but in case any of them lost
theirs, by the door was a pin pad that recognized, not only the code, but also
the way it was entered, memorizing the way each member of the family typed.
Usually, Duo just used the key, not really getting the cutting edge technology,
but tonight he was glad for the system. He definitely didn�t want to wake Name
up and have to explain what he was doing outside in his pajamas and bloody
knees. It probably wasn�t the best idea, hiding such an intense panic attack
and sleepwalking episode from her, but he was ashamed and was sick of making
people worry about him.��

It scared him, though, how he could fall asleep in his
bed and suddenly awaken miles away, with no one even noticing, with absolutely
no memories of what he had been doing during that time. But, the house was dark
and he had gotten home, mostly, unharmed. His feet, though badly scraped, had
stopped bleeding, probably because of the dirt and gravel stuck to his wounds,
so he wasn�t worry about tracking blood on the floor. He snuck back to his
room, relieved to see that everyone�s bedroom lights were off. He was shaking
hard now and he just wanted to crawl into bed with his cats and ride the panic
attack out in peace, but he went to the bathroom to wash out his wounds, which
weren�t too bad.��

He limped into bed, Shiva giving him a piercing stare.
He practically collapsed into bed, his shaking hands grabbing at the blankets.
His desire to curl up was aborted when he finally noticed that the display of
his cell phone, innocently sitting on his bed-side table, was lit up. He
frowned, wondering who would be calling this late. The sound was off,
thankfully, but he couldn�t think of anyone who would text him right now. He
wondered if they had texted him during his sleepwalking.

He opened his phone and temporarily ran out of breath.
It was from Amaaya and had only been sent twenty minutes ago. Why would she
send it so late? Guilt mixed with fear in his stomach, making him feel sick.
Clearly, she was pissed at him ignoring her calls and felt that this was the
best way to get through to him. He opened the message and the guilt grew.�

�Haven�t
heard from you in awhile. You ok? If I don�t hear from you by morning, I�m
coming over there.�

�� Duo�s heart was torn in two between quilt at the reprimand and warmth
at her concern. She cared about him, loved him, enough to not give up on him.
He hit the button to reply.

�� No. Don�t worry about me.�

He sent the message. �You shouldn�t worry about me,�
he thought in depression, �I�m not worth it. I�m sick and twisted,
there are so many things wrong with me� Why do people keep caring? Why does
Heero care? Why do you care? I can�t understand why��

Amaaya�s response was immediate, making Duo realize
that she had been waiting for him to call her.

�� �ALWAYS.�

Duo�s eyes teared up at the
single word, a promise between old friends that they would always be there for
each other. The reason didn�t matter, just the action, this all important vow.
His phone beeped, indicating another message.

�There is
hope. You have people who love you, so there is always hope.�

This time, Duo couldn�t stop the tears from falling.
He curled up like a child in his bed, the cell phone clutched tightly in both
hands. Shiva heard him sobbing and licked at his cheek, cleaning up tears that
seemed endless.

*****��

Monday morning came too soon for everyone, especially
Wufei and Fai. The six boys were shocked to learn that Name and Wufei�s parents
had written notes to Principal Khushrenada to excuse them all from their
morning classes so they could say goodbye to Fai. Wufei woke up extra early so
he could spend as much time as he could with his lover. They had spent the
night in Wufei�s bed, not making love, but just holding each other and talking
about their various hopes. Lian made them a huge breakfast and Wufei couldn�t
bear to be far from Fai for very long. All of this made the amber-eyed teenager
feel like he was being led off to be executed.��

Fai felt immensely sick when they heard Heero�s car
pull up in the driveway. He again felt that childish urge to grab on to
something to keep from being whisked away to the airport. He wanted to stay�
why did he have to go back? Fai hugged Lian and Zhi on his way out the door.
Wufei�s mother looked like she was going to cry, but she held it together.

Even after all the gambles and sacrifices that their
family had made, their child still could never be happy, she realized. Fai was
the whole reason why Wufei hadn�t wanted to move anyway. Yes, she knew that he
missed their old way of live, but the teenager would trade anything, just so he
could be with his lover. This desire was made even more tragic, by the fact
that, if they were together here, they
wouldn�t have to hide their relationship so brutally. But, Lian couldn�t see an
alternative.�

The world was in turmoil, even in America, the economy was plummeting
and jobs were hard to come by. Unless an immigrant had a special set of skills,
like her medical knowledge, they would never be allowed a green card. Fai was
only a child, one that was being supported back in China, but also poor and not
completely educated. Unless he proved to be good in a field that was needed
here, or his situation was so hopelessly dire that he would be branded a
fugitive, she couldn�t see how he would be allowed to live here legally. America
truly had become a country only for American-bred Americans. Though, the same
could be said of many other countries. China wasn�t even accepting anyone.��

Zhi put a hand on his wife�s shoulder, trying to
console her as Wufei and Fai left the house, but the move seemed so hollow to
him. Wufei and Fai�s future seemed so bleak. If he was realistic, but cold, he
would suggest to Wufei to find someone here in America, but he didn�t want his son
to give up, besides, Wufei would only hate him for the advice and ignore it
anyway. Maybe, when they ad first moved here, it would have worked. Back then,
Wufei had seemed so bitter and despondent� hating this place while, at the same
time, trying to forget his life in China because it hurt too much to
think about it.��

But now� Something had happened, something had changed Wufei�s
mood about his fate to something more agreeable and understanding and it had
happened long before Fai had arrived. It had something to do with Wufei�s new
friends and, if they didn�t seem so nice, Zhi would have been suspicious of
them. And still his son�s relationship with the other boy seemed so� hopeless,
he almost wished Wufei had never changed, then maybe
he wouldn�t be so miserable now. Even if Wufei moved back to China when he was 18, or through
some unforeseen miracle that Fai could live here, how could they possibly
support each other? Perhaps if Wufei graduated from a good school and they
waited until they both had the means to support themselves� but he knew his
son�s fiery impatience well enough to know that Wufei would never wait, not
even for a single second, if he could be with Fai.��

He sighed deeply and shook his head, not wanting to
think about the possibility that Wufei would have to surrender to the idea that
he might never have the means to be with the one he loved.

*****��

�Hey,� Duo greeted as Wufei and Fai got into the back
seat with him and Quatre. Fai smiled weakly at him, but no one felt like
talking, a heavy mood in the air. Fai sat nervously, balancing the cat carrier
containing his kitten, newly named �Lixue�, which
meant �pretty snow�, after her mostly white fur, on his knees. She mewed at him
and he fought the urge to take her out, just so he could have something to
comfort him.��

Wufei, after helping Heero put Fai�s luggage into the
trunk, settled in next to his boyfriend, instantly holding his hand. Duo caught
the desperate, hungry look the two Chinese boys gave each other and felt his
own hear clench in pain. He tried to put himself in their place, though it hurt
to do so. He tried to imagine what it would be like to have to say goodbye to
Heero, to have him living across the world and know that he wouldn�t be seeing
him for quite some time, if ever.��

Those thoughts were painful, he couldn�t deny that. He
couldn�t imagine having to� let him go that way. The car started, Heero backed
out of the driveway, and Duo had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing. Here
he was, trying to think of how Fai and Wufei were feeling, and completely
forgetting that he had gone through
this before. Every time Heero had asked him to sleep over, he had felt this
way. Back then, he had known how wonderful it was, being with Heero, sleeping
in his house, loving him, but he had
also known how utterly devastating it would be once he had to leave. Leave
Heero�s warmth and light and return to the Hell he had surrendered to long ago.��

Fai relaxed his head on Wufei�s shoulder and Duo felt
another feeling stab at his heart, guilt this time. He loved Heero as
passionately and intensely as Fai and Wufei loved each other. It was because of
that love that he had pushed Heero away after the terrible things that had happened
in Boston, whether he was right in feeling that he never wanted to lose Heero,
or have him hate him, so he had to ignore him in order to save Heero and punish
himself, or Wufei was right and he was just terrified of accepting those
feelings. Now, here, he was, sitting next to two people, who loved like he did,
but could never be together because of outside forces. It made him feel guilty, knowing that they could never be happy and he
was making himself unhappy, even
though he lived with Heero. It just
made him wonder, even more, if what had happened had made him act irrationally,
going by his fear and shock instead of what he needed and wanted.��

But� if Heero didn�t agree with his actions, why
didn�t he say so? Every time he had done something, back to when they had first
met, that Heero didn�t agree with, Heero had told him so and had fought against
him. Why wasn�t that happening now? But it really wasn�t fair to give Heero
sole responsibility over his own problems. The bottom
line was� he had no idea what he wanted, he never had. He had wanted to be free
of Wes, but now that freedom, in all of its endless possibilities and unknown
paths, scared him. He wanted to be with Heero, forever, yet here he was,
fighting against that desire. How could he ever be happy, ever get what he
wanted if he never even knew what that was?��

As Heero got on the highway, Fai suddenly felt very
nauseous. He remembered the day he had learned that Wufei was moving out of his
life. He had nightmares about that day some times. It had been his father who
had told him, almost gleefully and Fai was sure that the man had felt that way,
about Wufei�s �shame� and his parents� �dishonorable actions� in getting him
out of the country. Fai, even then, had understood Wufei�s parents� fears
concerning the broken marriage and sudden battle for the title of heir between
the Long clan and the Chang clan, but by the time he had been told about this
move, Wufei had already left and they had never had the chance to say goodbye. ��

At the time, this lack of closure had devastated Fai,
making him believe that, if they had only had the time to talk, that pain would
have been less. He now knew that that was a lie. Saying goodbye, having to know
that they were parting ways before it actually happened, hurt even worse, it
was torturous just knowing he was going back home and he couldn�t even enjoy
what little time he had left with Wufei, too anxious about their upcoming
separation. Wufei�s grip on his hand tightened and Fai knew that their thoughts
were similar. The both of them were exhausted by their restless night, but
couldn�t fall asleep and even if they could, they didn�t dare deprive each
other of their company, even for a second.

On a Monday morning, the highway leading from St. Peters to Bangor
was terribly crowded, so the trip to the airport seemed to take forever, but no
one felt happy when they got to their destination. Fai found himself praying
that he would miss his flight, but knew that he was being childish. He couldn�t
stop this from happening, he knew that, he was just having a huge problem accepting it. He
didn�t want to leave! He wanted to scream this to his fullest ability, but even
that wouldn�t be able to tie him to Wufei forever. It was� inevitable.

Wufei carried Fai�s bags for him, refusing to
relinquish them to him, giving Fai that feeling of being led to some terrible,
oppressive thing again. He didn�t demand them, not wanting a fight with Wufei
to be their last moment together. He wanted to laugh at his actions. He was
acting foolish, believing that, once Wufei was out of his sight, he would never
see or hear from him again. Hadn�t Name given him hope? Hadn�t she said that
she would make sure they would be able to communicate? So why was he so
terrified of leaving?��

Fai checked his bags and the group stopped at the line
to the metal detector, realizing that now was the time to say goodbye, Fai�s
flight was leaving in only twenty minutes. Fai and Wufei felt frozen to the
spot, staring at each other. Fai could already feel the urge to cry, but tried
to be strong, which seemed impossible at the time. Quatre and Trowa broke the
icy silence by shaking Fai�s hand.��

�It was nice to meet you,� Trowa said.

�We�ll miss you,� Quatre insisted.

Duo hugged Fai tightly.

�I know you�ll be back soon,� he said emotionally. Fai
hugged him back, feeling warmed by their care and oddly enough, he believed
them, even Duo�s belief that he would be back. Heero was more subdued than Duo
and just shook his hand like Quatre and Trowa.

�Mom and I will do whatever we can so you and Wufei
can see each other again, as soon as you can,� the Japanese boy promised him. ��

Fai felt a sharp pain in his chest at the various
shows of friendship and the tears in Wufei�s eyes. He knew that, as soon as his
plane left, he would be counting down the seconds until he could see them all
again. He would be coming back� no matter what he had to do about it, he would
come back.��

As soon as Heero backed away, Wufei had his lover
swept up in his arms, hugging him so tightly, it hurt both of them.��

�I�ll never give up on you,� Wufei swore, �Never
again, you understand? No matter what happens, we�ll meet again. I promise, we�ll
see each other soon.��

Fai kissed him passionately and their friends looked
away, forming a barrier around the two boys to give them privacy from everyone
else.

�I forgive you,� Fai whispered when they parted, the
both of them crying now, �Whatever happened between you and Duo, I don�t care.
I forgive you.��

Wufei seemed overwhelmed by this and nodded, not
caring that tears were pouring down his cheeks. He didn�t want to let Fai go,
but he had to� how could he? He loved him too much.��

�I love you,�
Wufei clutched Fai�s shoulders, �I love you and I�ll never stop loving you.��

They hugged again, not wanting to let the other go,
but eventually, they did. Those almost twenty minutes felt like forever, yet
they were over far too soon. Fai�s legs felt like heavy irons as he walked
towards the detector. He looked back, his eyes red from crying, but kept
walking. Wufei didn�t wave back at him, his own body heavy with remorse and
self-hatred for letting his lover leave him. It wasn�t until Fai completely
left his sight that Wufei turned and started towards the exit, shell shocked by
Fai�s sudden absence. Duo held his hand as they walked back to the car. Wufei
gripped his hand hard enough to hurt, but for Wufei�s sake, he bore it.

*****

That week was hell for everyone. It was as though
something vital had been ripped from Wufei. He dragged himself through school,
barely talking, too depressed and immersed in his thoughts to acknowledge
reality. He acted the same way at home, making his parents call Name and insist
that they all watch out for Wufei. None of them thought that he was suicidal,
but he was completely despondent, not wanting to wake up in a world where he
couldn�t even speak to his lover. The
only time he had shown any emotion was when Name had told him she had heard
from the head of NSS about Fai and he had been given the job, but his happiness
had been fleeting without his boyfriend by his side.

It seemed cruel to Duo, having to deal with Wufei�s
anguish one moment, then having to walk outside to the
beginning warmth and beauty of spring. The sight of bright flowers, green
grass, and fluttering song birds made him feel lifted, warm, and happy, but
every time he saw Wufei or Heero, he felt like he heart was encased in a box of
ice and he wished that the rest of the world was cold, so he didn�t feel so
guilty about feeling uplifted by the warmth of spring. It had been a long
winter, so the weather was welcome, so it was odd how depressed he felt. Almost
a week had passed since Fai had left, yet Wufei was still completely miserable
and he and Heero still weren�t speaking to each other.

Despite Duo�s doubts about his motives, he still
couldn�t bring himself to speak to Heero. He was still just as terrified as he
had been when they had been kidnapped, it just wouldn�t leave him. He had since
surrendered the idea that he was, in any way, keeping Heero safe by not
speaking to him. If he really wanted to completely take Heero out of danger, he
only had three options. He could kill himself. Ideas of suicide weren�t new to him;
he had weighed the consequences of it for as long ash e could remember, even
before he had known what it was, whenever he had been too tired and hungry and
had thought of just giving up, just sleeping forever.��

If he killed himself, the action might shock Wes into
giving up. But if he accepted this option, he would also have to surrender to never
seeing Heero again. Sure, he wouldn�t have to deal with that loss for very
long, but� in the end, he was just too selfish to end his life, to let go of
these new, wonderful things he had been given. Even if he was right and there
was no heaven or hell, he didn�t want to let Heero go, he couldn�t, not unless
he knew, without any doubts, that this sacrifice would save Heero from death or
pain.��

He could surrender himself to Wes. If Wes had him
under his power again, maybe he would stop threatening Heero as a sort of�
blackmail or leverage. If Wes had the ability to hurt Duo, Heero wouldn�t dare
tell anyone about Wes. Duo was sure that Wes would see things that way. But,
more than he felt about killing himself, he would rather rip his veins out with
his finger nails than ever go back to� that.
Could he willfully enslave himself again, with not even the option of death
like he had had in the past, for Heero�s sake? Yes, he quickly realized, and
that surety, the power of his love overpowering his blinding fear of the dark
and Wes, absolutely terrified and horrified him.�

Lastly, the most ridiculous notion of all, he could do
what he had fantasized but had lacked all sorts of ruthlessness and courage and
insanity to do. He could kill Wes, and Chris, too. That, and only that, was a
sure way to destroy the threat to Heero�s life. The thought of him being
capable of killing anyone made him almost laugh, the thought of him killing
Wes, who he had never been able to fight against, was� impossible. Still, Wes
couldn�t hurt Heero if he was dead. But he wasn�t a murderer! He couldn�t kill
Wes, how could he when he couldn�t even strike someone without shaking and
becoming violently ill?��

Duo leaned against the wall behind him, taking a small
break from his stocking duties. Friday nights were usually terribly busy at the
Cottage, but he found himself stretching out his duties so he would have something to do in the lull. Spring
marked the death of tourism in St.
Peters. Though it was only March, not yet April, or
even May, the business that the Cottage did had quickly been cut. Summer had
those that enjoyed the woods and beaches and lakes. Fall was for what all New
Englanders irritably called �The Leafers,� people from the south that came for
apple picking and to watch the leaves change. Winter was similar, with southern
tourists wanting to spend time in a �snow wonderland�. Duo was just shocked
that he hadn�t been laid off, or his pay cut, but Mr. Hastings had assured him
that things would pick up in June, or sooner if they had a hot spring. ��

�The
mention of June made Duo think about summer vacation from school. School only
lasted until mid-May and that seemed so close to him. The thought of having to
spend time with Heero day after day, unable to reach out to him, was painful.
He still believed that what had happened was solely his fault, so he deserved
to be punished for it. Being apart from Heero, forcing himself to alienate from
the boy that he loved, was so painful, it was a suitable punishment. Also, he
was so sure that Heero had to blame him, too.��

Maybe the others didn�t think that, but they hadn�t
gone through what he and Heero had, how could they possibly understand Heero�s
feelings? He was terrified of dealing with Heero�s anger. The boy had hit him
the first time he had been angry, but Duo wasn�t scared of that. He deserved
it, but he was terrified of dealing with Heero thinking poorly of him. He could
deal with being hit, but never that look Heero had given him when he had
discovered his deal with Zechs, that look of betrayal and hatred. This time� he
might just die with that look.�

Beyond the pain of his current situation with Heero,
Duo was actually a little bit excited about summer vacation. A part of it was
his ever current search for normalcy and what was more normal than a teenager
looking forward to summer vacation? But there was more to it than that. For
him, there was always more to something, normal things compounded and
strengthened because of his neglect and abuse; it would probably be like that
until the day he died. Not wanting to remember, but unable to let go� He loved
school, but he had spent all of his previous summers in what had seemed like an
endless suffering he would never be able to shake.�

By June, he always felt like a rag doll, constantly
passed from man to man, in a constant circle of what should have been endless
tedium, but that never changing schedule of his had quickly become something
that nearly drove him mad every year. Stephen King had once written that �hell
is repetition.� He was sure that King hadn�t coined the phrase, but that didn�t
make it any less true. Every day during summer, he had gotten up, just for Wes
to tell him where he was going and what he was doing and, if he was a good boy,
maybe he would get dinner when he got back. There was always that promise of
�maybe�, something that was even more painful than �no�, because there was a
part of him that he could never kill, and that part�s ability to hope had
always vexed him. He would come home, sore, tired,
thoughts in his head screaming at him, and reeking of sweat and sex. With
nothing to distract him from these things, no school, no people, no useless
gossip or homework assignments, Duo had quickly felt worn, his sanity being
eaten away by �repetition�. By August, he had always been half dead, his heart,
soul, sanity, whatever he wanted to call it, only sustained by the promise of a
new school year. ��

This year was going to be different, though. No longer
did he have to succumb to a schedule that he knew would end up ripping his
heart out and give him endless nights of replaying daylight memories over and
over again until he was screaming inside of his head. He wasn�t going to be
counting the days until school started like it was something religious. He
could relax, hang out with his friends, and see movies and all the things his
new life had taught him to enjoy without worrying about school work. No school
meant no Williams treating him like trash or checking
every corner of the hallway for Zechs� presence, wondering if he would get
jumped. Yes, he no longer would have school to keep his mind off of what was
going on between himself and Heero, but he couldn�t help but look forward to
the first real summer vacation he had ever had. He could actually enjoy these
spring months now, no longer ridden with gut-clenching anxiety about the end of
the school season. ��

Maybe, without school taking up his time, those free
moments when he had nothing to do but think about Heero, think about their
current relationship. Maybe� he would actually gain the courage to fix them.
Did he even have that power, or had each flinch, each acknowledgement of his
guilt brought them to a place that was impossible to escape from? But he
couldn�t deal with the possibility of losing his previous relationship with
Heero forever. He was scared of losing Heero�s respect as well as the closeness
they had had. Whenever he had been anxious or in pain, Heero had always been
the first person he had sought out and this was still true. Even if they were
alienated and distant, he had to constantly struggle with the urge to run to
Heero and confide in him his fears and torments about Chris and that incident,
having to remind himself that Heero was one of the main things that was
haunting him. He knew that he couldn�t survive the ghosts of his past without
the shelter that Heero�s mere presence gave him.��

Duo sighed, suddenly feeling very, very tired. In the
end� he was still a coward. That, at least, hadn�t changed. It was ironic that
Wes and Heero were alike, but only because they had the ability to hurt him
very badly, for different reasons, but his fear of them, of their actions, and
his ability to fuck things up, was very much the same. So was his inability to
get over that fear, to do something about his problems. He had been too scared
to stand up to Wes and now he was too scared to face Heero, too. He bent down
to start stocking the glassware again, though there weren�t a lot of spaces for
the glasses to go. Usually, Hastings
wanted the glasses on the higher shelves, since little kids couldn�t get at
them, but they needed to get the boxes out of the way and there were a few
spots on the bottom that were empty.��

�Duo!� a familiar voice made Duo stand up quickly in
surprise, for a moment completely shocked at seeing Hilde Schbeiker, his gym
teacher, standing in the aisle with a bright grin as she watched him. He had
only known her since the start of the high school year, but like Une, she was a
teacher that he got along with very well, and not just because she was nice to
him.

Hilde was a hard teacher, but cute and pretty and now,
seeing her for the first time without a gym uniform on, he could see it. She
had turquoise eyes, not light, but not dark either, and her hair was cut very
short and was jet black. The navy, sleeveless blouse and tan slacks she wore
suited her, Duo thought. She had a sharp-witted, strict demeanor with all of
her students, even though she was a gym teacher, she expected them to use their
heads and be perfect in intelligence, team work, and physicality, yet she knew
when someone couldn�t do something and never bullied them for it. She had never
yelled at Duo because he wasn�t good at sports, only when she knew that he was
slacking and could do better. Because of this hardness, but prettiness, a lot
of boys fantasized that she must be a lesbian, which
made Duo roll his eyes whenever he heard a rumor.��

Truthfully, he didn�t care if Hilde was lesbian or
not. He liked her because she looked him in the eye, something that only Treize
and Une had ever done, and because when he was hurt, she acknowledged it and
even asked questions about it. When Zechs had shoved him against the wall that
time, she hadn�t shied away from the bullying, but had addressed it, had even
backed up his version of the story. To her, he wasn�t a pariah; he was just
like all of her other students, so he loved her for it. He thought that, if he
had had her in middle school, she would have seen his scars in class and maybe
things would have gone differently. He doubted that, but just that that
possibility was there made him respect her.

�Hi, Ms. Schbeiker,� Duo greeted.

�I didn�t know you worked here,� Hilde told him,
�Aren�t you a little young to have a part time job?�

�I�m fifteen,� Duo said in fake irritation. The first
time that Hilde had seen him in her class, she had mistaken him for a seventh
grader and had demanded to know how old he was and why he was in her class. ��

�Well, that�s pretty young,� she teased, �Still, I�m
glad that, for once, I can talk to you when you aren�t on your way to the
nurse�s office or the hospital.��

Duo blushed. It was true that he had had a long list
of injuries that had made participating in gym class difficult in the past.
Most of the time, he was torn, bruised, or had something broken from Wes�s
temper, so he had to be excused from gym. Other times, it had been like that time with Zechs. He had been hurt, but had suffered through
the class until someone tackled him or something like that and Hilde had forced
him to go see Nurse Po. He had known that the raven-haired teacher was highly
suspicious of his injuries and was just relieved she had never found out the
truth. Not only was she smart and kind, she was also quite stubborn.

�I�ve noticed you haven�t been benched or going to see
Ms. Po quite so often lately,� Hilde mentioned suspiciously, �I suppose I�ll
have to thank Mrs. Yuy for that.��

Duo�s blush darkened. When he had been allowed back into
school, he and Hilde had talked a little bit about his absence. He hadn�t told
her all the facts, just that he had been in a bad spot, abandoned by his
father, and Name was helping him out. He knew that Hilde was smart enough to
fill in the blanks about why he came to school so banged up all the time. ��

�Merquise hasn�t been giving you much trouble, has
he?� she pressed for information, her eyes narrowed a bit. It was probably very
bad for a teacher to hate a student and have ill will against him, but Hilde
had been a gym teacher for five years and had seen her fair share of bullying
because of her profession and she hated it. Zechs Merquise had taken that
childish sport to a sinister level with Duo and Hilde thought that, if the
silver haired boy got hit by a car in front of her, she wouldn�t mourn him a
single bit. Kids like Duo always got the short end of the stick from life; they
certainly didn�t need brats like Merquise making things even harder.��

�No, ma�am,� Duo told her, �My friends keep me safe.
As long as I�m with them, Zechs won�t try anything.��

Hilde smiled softly at him. It took a rare individual
to admit that they needed help, especially for boys. She had seen quite a few
teenage boys screw themselves over because they refused to ask for help.��

�That�s good. You stick with those boys and I won�t
have to keep an eye on you so much,� she chuckled, �The first time I saw Heero,
I was sure that he was going to bring some heavy trouble my way. A rich kid
like that� I�m surprised he didn�t turn out to be a bully himself.�

Duo frowned at the same assumption he had made of
Heero when they had met that first day.��

�Heero�s nice,� he defended him, �He�s my best friend
and he�d never hurt me,� he said automatically, but once the words were out of
his mouth, his eyes widened at the belief in his tone. He still believed that.
After everything that had happened, after his assuming that Heero hated him, he
still believed, with every inch of his soul, that Heero was his best friend and
would always protect him. Hadn�t he? When he had had that nightmare, Heero had
come running. He had held him, kept the bad things away� hadn�t he considered
the possibility that Heero didn�t hate him at all and he was just seeing things
that were convenient for his own fears?��

Hastings, who had been watching the two of them
interact, approached Duo and cleared his throat.��

�Duo, I hate to bother you, but the box compactor out
back is full and we need to crush some more cardboard. The bins out front are
loaded for pick up tomorrow, so we need to put it all out back near the woods
until tomorrow morning, or the whole thing will overflow and jam. Sarah�s got a
few customers, could you do it?� Hastings
asked. ��

Sarah had been busy all day running back and forth
between the compactor and the service desk. It wasn�t really fair, Hastings thought, to make her do it so much, but Duo
wasn�t eighteen, so he couldn�t run the machine, so they couldn�t take turns
like Hastings
wanted. He didn�t blame Duo for it, he just felt bad that the kid was getting
bored with what little jobs he could legally do. At the very least he could keep
him busy with cleaning and it was such a nice night out, he was sure that Duo
would appreciate the fresh air.��

�Sure,� he said, happy that he was finally being given
something to do. His inability to sit still while there was work to be done was
another thing that had never changed. He had gotten better at handling his free
time than he had when he had first started to live in Name�s house. Before, it
had been actually painful for him to be sitting around with nothing to do. He
had kept imagining Wes bursting into his room, demanding to know what the hell he thought he was doing, and he
had, instantly, become terrified of leisure,
too used to being punished for it. He had grown out of that dark impulse, able
to relax and love those moments of being able to do what he wanted, even if that was nothing. He just hated feeling useless.
He had spent his entire life feeling that way and he was sick of it.

�I�ll see you at school on Monday,� he said to
Schbeiker. She nodded to him.

�Have a nice weekend,� she called as he went through
the door that led out back. She turned to Hastings.

�Now, my mother�s birthday is coming up next month,�
Hilde rolled her eyes at this burden, making the older man smirk, �I don�t
suppose you could help me with that?�

�Sure,� Hastings
agreed in amusement. It wasn�t the first time that he had been approached by
customers, usually men, who needed help picking out gifts.

*****

The box compactor was practically spilling with
flattened bits of cardboard. Duo sighed with the thought of getting the large,
wide bin through the narrow door leading to the outside of the store. The front
of the store was the large parking lot and main road, but behind the store was
just an alley filled with dumpsters where they took out the trash and dumped
the flattened cardboard and used plastic to be recycled. As he started to move
the cardboard from the compactor to a slimmer trashcan, his thoughts whirled
frantically, returning again and again to Heero. The mindless labor made his
mind open to such thoughts. It seemed like that was all he thought of lately,
how much he loved him and whether he should do what he burned to do, talk to
Heero, or continue to pretend that they were strangers. Heero knew� terrible
things about him, things that scared him,
let alone his friends. He had seen him being raped, had seen him in such a
disgusting position� Heero had seen the� slut in him.�

He had dragged Heero into his dark world, had put him
in danger, and had shown him terrible things. Heero should hate him, and he should be punished for hurting his best
friend like that. Heero could have died, and it was all his
fault. His heart hurt with that thought, but no more than it had every day
since they had been kidnapped. He just wanted to be a normal boy with a normal
crush, leading a normal life without blackouts, nightmares, heartaches, angst,
self-disgust, or sociopaths coming after him.��

Duo leaned his head against the cool metal of the
compactor, feeling a headache start to rise up. He closed his eyes, suddenly wishing
that he was in his room so he could take a nap. He hadn�t done that since he
had come back from Boston,
exhausted and hating every inch of himself. He had
taken quite a few naps when he had been released from the hospital, but he had
truly needed them back then. Now, he just wanted to sleep to escape from
himself, something that had never worked, but with his turbulent thoughts and
throbbing headache, was still tempting.��

He just didn�t want to think anymore, didn�t want to
be conflicted about Wes and Heero or worry about his sleepwalking or blackouts.
He wished that, when he gone under in surgery, something horrible had happened
and he had woken up, with no memories of all, or at least, only memories of
Heero. He wished that, he could have woken up with a new slate, could have
loved Heero and become a member of his family, completely unaware of the demons
that haunted his past. He wished that he could have gone home with Heero once
he had been released from the hospital and had been able to smile, not
overwhelmed and tormented by hundreds of things that still hadn�t gone away. He
wished that he could be happy, simply because� he was happy, he should be
happy. ��

Duo hastily wiped at a stray tear and chuckled at his
own thoughts in the empty, dark back room. He was an idiot. No matter how hard
he wished, nothing he wanted would come true. He couldn�t even fix things with
Heero. He wanted to, but� he was still so ashamed.

When he really thought about it, he realized that his
intentions, his reasons behind ignoring Heero, weren�t noble at all. He had
told himself, over and over, that it was because he didn�t want Heero to be in
danger because of him, but he had always known that there was nothing he could
do about it. In reality� he hated himself, was completely disgusted in himself.
He had told Heero about his past, but had thought that he could separate his
best friend from it. Then Chris had gotten a hold of him and had shown Heero
just how disgusting Duo really was, how twisted his past had made him.

How could they possibly go back to who they were when
Heero knew� all the things he had never wanted the boy he loved to know? How
could Heero ever respect him after seeing him� being violated and made
completely helpless, knowing that he had surrendered to such a fate a thousand
times, for years? ��

The truth was he couldn�t face Heero. It wasn�t a
matter of being ashamed of not being able to keep him safe, though that shame
was definitely there, it was his inability to be a better person, to keep his
past locked up tight and not have it� spill over into this life. It was his
inability to change. Months had passed since Heero had found him bleeding and
on the verge of death in his bedroom, yet it felt like nothing had changed.
Heero had saved him, had been so nice and gentle and accommodating, but he had
ruined it, shoved Heero�s good will back in his face because he couldn�t stop
being what he was, a street rat and a useless whore. He couldn�t be better for
Heero, who he loved, so how could he possibly be better for himself? Wes was right, he deserved to be a whore. It was the only thing he
had ever been good at. He had thought� now he had friends, was doing well in
school, and had people who cared about him, but instead of embracing this new
life, he was having nightmares about Wes, the people of his past kept cropping
up and dragging him down further, and, worst of all, he had alienated Heero
with his sheer inability to have any sense of pride, to rise up from what Wes
had made him. If Heero hated him, it was all that he deserved.

Maybe he didn�t deserve to be happy. Maybe� even if
Chris hadn�t found him and kidnapped him, it would have been inevitable anyway.
If all he was good for was fucking, then, this new life would just end up dying
on him anyway. And, really, it would only be one more thing that had abandoned
him, or that he had killed. He had gotten Sister Helen killed, had been unable
to help Sunshine, had abandoned Amaaya, Solo, and Shi, maybe even his parents
had been able to see the nastiness in him and that was why they had abandoned
him to begin with. Maybe he was just fooling himself that he could make his
life better. In the end, Name was wrong, he wasn�t strong and he certainly
didn�t have the ability to make things better for himself. It was only because
of her that he was still breathing at all.

A sob worked its way through his throat and he tried
to force the darkness that had invaded his heart back down, deep in his mind
where he wouldn�t have to face it, even though he knew it was still there, just
waiting for a moment like this to resurface. He didn�t want to believe his own
depressing thoughts. He had survived, hadn�t he? Even if Name was paying for
his food and shelter, he had gotten his own good grades, had gotten this job,
all on his own. That was something� wasn�t it? He was good for more than sex�
wasn�t he? He had to be, because if he wasn�t, he should just kill himself right here, right now, because a world of nothing
but sex and humiliation wasn�t worth what he was going through now. But he
didn�t want to die. For once, he liked his life. It was hard, dealing with the
things in his head, but there were moments, brilliant, shinning moments that
were just so beautiful� having breakfast with his family, Name saying that she
was proud of him� he didn�t want to leave all that behind. But if he couldn�t
get over his problems� would all of that just abandon him, or was Wufei right
and he was already starting to abandon it, because he was terrified of good
things, things that he had never experienced before, because as terrible as his
old life was, at least it had been familiar to him.

Through all of his doubts� wasn�t Heero the final
test? Beyond Name, beyond normality, when things had gotten so bad, he had
truly thought he could see his own death approaching, he had wished that he
could just be with Heero. It felt like he was being given all of the things he
had been willing to pray to a god he didn�t believe in for, yet here he was,
fucking up his friendship with Heero beyond repair. All he had was that friendship;
it was what sustained him in his darkest hours. Yes, he had a house and woman
who loved him enough for him to consider her his mother, but it was always
Heero that ended up making him feel� his life was worth the struggle and now�
he was losing him.

Duo laughed at himself, a depreciative, dark sound
that echoed through the large room. He didn�t have time for this, he thought
bitterly. Heero, Quatre, Wufei, and Trowa were picking him up in twenty
minutes. They were supposed to go see a movie together and then go out to
dinner, a sad attempt at trying to lift Wufei�s spirits. It wouldn�t work. For
once, ironically, he and Wufei were on the same page. They couldn�t have the
one that they wanted most. At least Wufei knew that Fai loved him, while Duo
was sure that he was losing Heero, just as friend, not even a lover. But Duo
could see Heero, and that was something, while Wufei couldn�t even talk to his
boyfriend. Still, Duo wanted to help him, because if he could help Wufei, maybe
he could help himself. He had to get this job done, so he could get into that
familiar car and go about pretending his distance from Heero wasn�t killing him
inside. He would go to the movie and pretend he was having a great time,
because no one wanted to hear his problems anymore. He was just becoming a
burden. ��

That was what was tearing at him the most. Where did
he fit in with Heero�s family? Before, he had been his best friend, but now� he
just felt like empty weight, like Name was caring for him for a reason he
couldn�t understand. No, Heero was still his best friend, because even now, his
heart was telling him to just sit down with Heero, talk to him because he was
in pain and Heero always made things all better. If only his cowardice, and his
rationality, could allow him to do such a thing. Instead, all he could do was
think about how much he hated himself and how much he wanted Heero, but
couldn�t reach out. Was there even a point anymore, beyond his embarrassment of
having Heero see Chris rape him and his guilt? ��

Duo shoved the rest of the cardboard into the trash
bin with a violent force, no longer caring that he was crying. This was stupid,
he realized. He was at work, for fuck�s sake, he had just seen his teacher, and
had been pretty stable. Now, he was shucking cardboard and sobbing like a
little kid, having a breakdown with absolutely no trigger. He couldn�t even
bring himself to think of that night when he had found himself out of bed,
because he was scared just to think of it. If he could sleepwalk and have a
breakdown for reasons he couldn�t even predict or understand, what else was his
screwed up mind capable of in times of stress? Hell, even the stress wasn�t
predictable. His heart and mind feeling equally heavy, Duo dragged the bin out
the door and into the alley with the dumpsters, starting to empty it into the
one for recycled materials. He put the bin on the ground and looked up at the
sky, for a moment just standing there and letting the silence of the night wash
over him.��

It was beautiful. The day had been cloudless, just a
powder blue sky that had seemed to go on forever. Now, he could see every star
so perfectly, it was as though they were close enough to touch. The moon was a
lovely crescent shape, shinning silver in the black sky. It was cool, but not
cold, a slight wind blowing through the trees. The alley smelled, but Duo
didn�t care. He was used to the smell of trash and was simply in awe of the
stars. Despite his recent bout of depression, a smile spread over his face as he
spotted a couple of bats fluttering above him, no doubt lured by the mosquitoes
that frequented such garbage filled areas. It seemed too early in the season
for the nocturnal creatures, but there they were, almost dancing around each
other in the air. ��

He loved this, Duo realized. The silence, nature
breathing all around him, he supposed that was always when he was happiest,
surrounded by the world. He thought that, if he ever lived to a decent age and
actually had money during that time, he would get a little cabin in the woods
somewhere and he could die happily there, just sitting on the porch and
watching squirrels and birds and things. He wanted to die that way, not in bed
with some stranger, or starving in the streets, just sitting and watching the
world and knowing how beautiful it could be. He had spent too much time in
ugliness. He found that his smile wasn�t disappearing, even as he picked up the
trash bin and knew he should go back inside. He didn�t want to feel worthless
anymore, and right now, he didn�t. He just felt like� he was a part of nature,
of the world, and there was some� point to his life, even though he was
rational enough to know that there really wasn�t a point to any life, which, to
him made life seem all the more special. If everything was random� then his
being there seemed pretty damn miraculous. ��

Duo walked back to the door, deciding resolutely to
enjoy the movie tonight. Even if it didn�t make anything better for Wufei or
himself, he would enjoy it, because it was definitely miraculous that he had
friends at all. It was certainly more than he had been expecting of his future.
Even if he couldn�t speak to Heero, at least he could be near him and pretend
that things were ok� He swore under his breath as he tried to juggle the bin in
one hand and open the door at the same time. ��

He froze as he heard the sound of gravel scuffing
under someone�s shoe, closer to him than it should. Even after all those months
of living with Name, certain instincts never dulled. He should have heard it
farther away, he instantly noted, only a handful of people could sneak up on
him like that. The world around him seemed to become stock still as he readied
himself to attack. Chris, those boys Relena had paid off, Zechs� he was sick of
this shit. If he ever wanted Heero to respect him again, he had to stand up for
himself. He had to prevent these things from happening to him on his own. He
whirled with the heavy bin in hand, ready to strike, and immediately felt an
arm wrap around his throat, not strangling him so much as controlling his
movements.��

The heavy bin dropped, making an odd sound as the
rubber hit the concrete, and Duo couldn�t even scream before a rough hand
covered his mouth. His attacker dragged him, handling him like one would a
rabid, feral cat, down the alley, away from the parking lot and towards the
woods. Duo�s taser fell out of his pocket and hit the ground, going off in a
flicker of electricity. Duo was dragged off before he could try to catch it.

End Part 19
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The Road to Kindness