Fathoming Love

Fathoming Love
Chapter 28
Live. For me.


“The day after we had arrived back at her home –Capsule Corporation—she ignored me entirely. No, I mean that. She completely and totally ignored me. Not so much in casual conversation; not so much that she wouldn’t say hi here and there, but in that she avoided everyone for a good two weeks.

“In fact, she hid out entirely, cooped up in her dreary little lab for the better part of each day, sometimes working well into the morning hours. I was admittedly a bit upset at this, forced to spend my time out wreaking havoc on the plant life in deserted portions of the world, blowing up random things and pouting that she didn’t spend more time with me.

“Some days, I would demand of her, what exactly she was doing out there, what she was working on, how dare she ignore me like this. At those times she would merely smile, placing a hand on my shoulder and winking cryptically. I hated it and vowed that I would discover this little secret she was working on so mysteriously.

“I even stooped so low as to inquire of her hair-brained mother just what exactly she was devoting so much time to. I shouldn’t have been surprised when her mother just blathered on and on about fruit pastries and how handsome my face was. Her father wasn’t much more help, chuckling at me in his own puzzling way and following up MY question with one of his own: namely, why I cared so much about her absence.

“So finally, when I’d tired of this whole mystery, I broke into her lab myself, sneaking expertly through the darkness towards the room she frequented most often. She sat on the edge of a stool, hair a greasy mess and face squinted with concentration. Her nimble little fingers worked very quickly, twisting a screw into an impossibly complex little part beneath a hot desk lamp.

“I levitated very quietly into the air, crouching on my hands and knees on the ceiling and creeping like a spider over her head. I watched as her eyebrows furrowed in concentration, her eyes staring through thick rimmed glasses.

“ “Vegeta,” she said suddenly, nearly making me topple right down onto her in surprise. “I didn’t figure spying was on your list of things to do at three o’ clock in the morning.”

“ “Damn,” I cursed, swooping down next to her. “How the hell did you know I was here?”

“ “Easy,” she blew a hair out of her face, still concentrating on the piece of metal in her hands. “I can always tell when you’re in a room. Things just tend to get more annoying all of a sudden.”

“I hmphed in response, crossing my arms and very tritely demanding that she tell me just what she was up to in here when she could be spending time with me.

“ “Awww, Vegeta,” she laughed sweetly, finally looking up at me. “Are you lonely without me?”

“ “NO!” I coughed. “I’m just finding it hard to occupy myself without you irritating me and taking up the hours around this boring place.”

“ “Hm,” she smirked. “That’s quite a sentence there. I think you’re lying though. I think you’ve missed me.”

“I made a face, turning away and neither denying nor confirming the idea. It was true, I had missed her and she knew it but by God, was I going to admit it? Pfft, yeah… right.

“And even after I had broken into her lab, spied on her, threatened her (when all other options seemed to fail), she still refused to utter a single word with regards to what she was doing. So I found myself again, wandering aimless around the impossibly large house with nothing better to do with my time. I would watch TV for hours on end, shaking my head all the stupid programs, yelling at the screen during fight scenes that were (let’s face it) less then par, staying silent through all the filthy little sex parts you’ll catch on the tube, and STILL, nothing sated me.

“I began to grow anxious, spending more and more of the Briefs’s money at the malls, buying myself outfits I knew damn good and well I’d never wear. I’d go to remote parts of the earth, staying in the most luxurious hotels, stomping around on the most secluded beaches and still, I was bored with it all. Everywhere I went, there was virtually SOMEONE who wanted to spend “time” with me, yet my thoughts were occupied only with her. I found myself more interested in just the memories we’d shared then the prospect of making new ones with other people.

“And throughout this detached few weeks, I knew I had no right to be feeling this way. I knew that I ought to be doing the very thing I’d always dreamed of doing; namely, taking over the universe in Kakarot’s and Frieza’s demise. I ought to be throwing things around, scaring the crap out of random people, demanding their allegiance or punishing them by death….. but my heart just wasn’t in it. I’d sit there on the edge of a large rock overlooking the vast ocean (which was my favorite place) and I’d trace the angles of her face with my finger, using my energy to engrave it forever into the stone. After some time, probably every single rock over a foot long and within a few miles of where I stayed, had traces of her eyes or mouth.

“But it wasn’t enough simply to perfect her eyes or her nose or the strange volume of her hair and so I returned to Capsule Corp, expecting the same detached treatment I’d suffered before I left. Instead, Bulma stood outside, a scouter (a devise used to track high energy levels) over her eyes as she waved to me.

“I touched down, letting her throw her arms around my neck, blathering on and on about how I shouldn’t leave without telling someone, blah blah. I just smirked, keeping my excitement at bay and not actually revealing how happy I was that she was paying attention to me.

“ “Bulma baby!” came the voice of her moron boyfriend, and I hesitate even to tell you this part Tazial, as it isn’t exactly my favorite portion of the story.”

“Why?” I inquired.

“Well, you’ll know why,” he shrugged. “And I know I must tell it, because, let’s face it, you can’ exactly throw out a life story and make yourself seem like this undefeated champion. But I hesitate to because I don’t like thinking about it. Whatever the case, try to control your facial expressions, otherwise, I might not make it through this.”

I nodded, placing the pen I’d been fidgeting with on the countertop.

“ “Bulma baby,” Yamcha said, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and purposely giving her an extra long kiss just to piss me off. I merely rolled my eyes, crossing my arms and regarding him like you would an insect.

“ “Vegeta.” He said formally, perhaps surprised when I merely nodded my reply. “And how are you?”

“I looked at him coldly, tensing for an instant before smirking into his smug, stupid face.

“ “Well enough boy,” I answered (though between us, I think he was only about a year younger then me). “what are you doing here?”

“ “Like I need a reason,” he shot back, the animosity apparent in his voice. “I came to get Bulma, I’m taking her out to lunch with me.”

“ “The HELL you are,” I laughed, remaining more cool and collected just as soon as he began to lose both. “I just got back and I need her for a few things.”

“ “For what?” he grinned. “To play your little buttmonkey while you spend all their money and eat all their food? I think not. I’m rescuing HER from always having to be around YOU. Now, what do you think of that Mr. High and Mighty?”

“ “Oh,” I shrugged, unwinding my arms. “I guess I don’t think much of it at all. I’m more trying to figure out what it’ll take to peel your butt ugly face off my knuckles you brain-dead, back-water, cousin kissing piece of shit!”

“His face turned tomato red.

“ “What did you jus- ..”

“ “Ok, ok boys,” Bulma finally piped in, putting herself between the two of us. “Let’s not play clash of the over-inflated egos today alright? Yamcha, I’m gonna have to take a rain check on the whole “going to lunch” thing.”

“ “Aww.. Bulma,” He complained. “what for?!”

“ “Because,” she smiled sweetly at me. “I have a present for Vegeta.”

“ “You do?!” both me and her boyfriend droned out at the same time.

“ “Of course!” She laughed in delight. “What do you think I was doing for all those days in the lab? Fixing my hair?”

\"She quickly withdrew a tiny capsule from her pocket, no different from any other and I tensed myself, unsure what this turn of events meant. It seemed Yamcha was in the same predicament as I was, crossing his arms and raising his eyebrow. We both watched in suspense as she tossed the capsule on the ground, the small clank of metal releasing followed by a poof of smoke that rose into an enormous heap.

\"I denied the urge to cough as the gas entered my lunges, stepping back slightly when a tremendous building loomed forth in front of us, the smog clearing to reveal a large dome.

\" \"Ahh... so you built him a home away from yours,\" Yamcha smirked, shrugging his shoulders in a cocky manner. \"Seems practical.\"

\"I threw him a glare, my eyes quickly darting to Bulma\'s, hoping she\'d explain all of this. She smiled at me shyly, touching my shoulder as she guided us inside. The room was enormous, red tinted and glittering with a thousand beeping buttons. The air seemed somewhat tense around us, and not just because of the constant animosity that simply radiated between me and the boy.

\" \"Vegeta,\" Bulma smiled softly, lifting her arms to circle around. \"You\'re simply too strong for this world.\"

\"I straightened up, loving that she knew the quickest means to gathering my attention was through flattery. As predicatable as always, the boyfriend scoffed, turning his back towards us as he gazed around at MY present.

\" \"The gravity in this world just doesn\'t allow the amount of force YOU\'RE going to need to train in and I need a way to keep an eye on you. Can\'t have a guy like you wandering the galaxy just to pick a fight once and a while you know?\"

\" \"Why Bulma,\" I grinned wickedly, snaking an arm around her waist and making sure to catch the boy\'s eye while I did. \"I didn\'t realizing \"keeping an eye on me\" was such a priority. Though, I CAN understand the appeal.\"

\"She had just laughed at me, wandering about and explaining a hundred little buttons and all of the work she\'d put into the contraption. Yamcha\'s eyes were constantly on me, his glare hardening with every inch that disappeared between me and Bulma\'s bodies. The anger seemed to seep out of his pores with every minute she spent telling me how things worked and how many hours had been spent making just everything perfect. Had she ever spent so much time creating something so flawless for him? I doubted it and looking at the rock hard contours of his features, I figured the answer was pretty obvious.

\" \"Shit,\" She said suddenly, glaring at the beeper tied to her belt. \"I need to take this real quick. You don\'t mind do you?\"

\"She gazed over to me, asking my approval rather than her boyfriend\'s and I smirked at it, shrugging her off.

\" \"Not at all,\" I smiled cruelly at him. \"I\'ll just be admiring my present in the meantime. Yamcha, you can help me, can\'t you?\"

\"It was enough, and as we both watched her leave, I understood quite suddenly something that for a very odd reason perterbed me. Looking into his face, I realized instantaneously that in a few moments, I\'d made something I hadn\'t really had for a while; I made a REAL enemy. Hatred poured from him and I\'d forgotten in this vacation of times with Bulma, how poisonous jealousy could be. I\'d taken for granted the physical power I had over the human, underestimating how resourceful desperation could make a man.

\" \"You,\" he spat suddenly, saliva gathering on his bottom lip. \"You really think you\'re going to take her from me. You really think you have a chance with her, don\'t you?\"

\"I looked at him oddly, my face contorting with mock confusion.

\" \"Do I think you have a very real chance of losing her to me?\" I asked with a shrug. \"Abso-fucking-lutely. But realize one thing boy,\" I leaned in towards him. \"I don\'t have to TAKE anything from you.\"

\" \"That\'s all she is to you huh?\" He ground out between his teeth. \"An \'anything\'. An object. Just one more thing to conquer and be done with.\"

\"I rolled my eyes and shrugged once more.

\" \"Well let me tell you something asshole,\" He seethed, pointing to himself. \"I have known and LOVED that woman for a VERY long time. An she isn\'t just an anything or just an anyone! She is FUCKING terrific in ways you wouldn\'t and couldn\'t understand. You\'ve never known anyone even remotely like her and while I can understand and pity the appeal you must see in her, you don\'t deserve her!\"

\" \"Oh and I suppose YOU do?\" I spat, the humor quite quickly leaving the conversation.

\" \"Please,\" He crossed his arms, regarding me like an equal and pissing me off further for it. \"I wouldn\'t be so bold as to think that. Bulma is a genius and a very strong person. Not just a woman, not just anything. She\'s a very capable, intelligent person and in my life? That\'s something rare. I\'ve searched this whole fucking world for another woman even CLOSE to her and came back with nothing. Can you even understand that? Or are you too alien?\"

\"He scoffed, rolling his eyes as if ashamed of himself.

\" \"Look at me,\" He laughed scornfully. \"carrying on with sentimentality. But you don\'t understand me and I\'m wasting my time. To you, she\'s just another female. You\'ve probably been with millions that you perceived to be just like her.\"

\"I shrugged, not wanting to lose myself in an arguement that didn\'t seem worth the breath it took to debate.

\" \"But you\'re wrong.\" he said suddenly, eyes cold. \"And I love her Vegeta. I don\'t expect you to care about something like that. You know love only by the amount of blood you\'ve spilt on your adoring battlefields. I don\'t expect you to give a damn about the concepts of hearts and I don\'t expect you to even grasp the idea of love in its simplest form. But you CAN understand me when I tell you that you\'re not worth it to her.

\" \"You aren\'t worth heartbreak and you don\'t deserve her. You\'re going to see everything I say as jealousy and yeah, ok, maybe it is to some degree. But let me tell you something and I want you to try and fathom the seriousness of it.\"

\"I looked at him with my most intimidating stare, daring him to continue with this. I knew, I felt it, that he\'d wanted to say these words ever since I had arrived. I knew that without these extra pushes of ego-tinged animosity, he\'d never have the courage to be so bold. I knew that without the rage and blindness that only jealousy could provide, he would never have summoned the strength enough to insult me like this. But I also knew that without the leniancy of physical strength to pent up against me, his desperation would implode upon him and cause only more resourcefulness. Truly, in his hatred, he wanted to hurt me. Truly, hurt me.

\" \"Vegeta,\" He said seriously. \"No one wants you here.\"

\" \"Welcome to the wonderful world of \"Duh\",\" I told him, keeping my face clear of any emotion.

\" \"Bulma likes you,\" He said, ignoring me. \"I realize that. You intrigue her, you\'re the bad boy, the rebel without a cause. But you also frighten her and everyone else. You\'re unpredictable and you make everything and everyone on edge constantly. Bulma isn\'t kidding when she says she wants to keep an eye on you. How do you feel, knowing that she probably has nightmares about the crazy alien killing her whole family one day? That isn\'t a life for them Vegeta, it isn\'t a life for ANYONE.

\" \"Do you know why they let you spend so crazy, why they give you anything your heart desires? Because they\'re afraid your psychopathic tendancies could go off at any minute and you\'ll kill everyone of them over something stupid. You know why Bulma built this for you? Not to make you stronger, but to watch you, to watch your progress and to have a weapon over you in case the time ever came that she\'d need to. She could one day raise the gravity too strong and watch you turn into alien goo in the process.

\" \"But accept that you don\'t have a purpose here.\" He looked at me, lowering his gaze. \"Or can I be so bold as to conclude, you really don\'t have a purpose anywhere?\"

\"I closed off my features, refusing to let him see how bruising those words were. Sure, I contended with that fact every day but having them voiced? I felt so humiliated suddenly, so.....\"

Vegeta paused, looking to the side as he searched for the right words.

\"I guess I suddenly felt like just being alive was a shame in itself.\" He concluded. \"I suddenly realized that life, without purpose, without real meaning, WAS an entire waste and that suddenly, my being alive was like I didn\'t deserve to be. Like an elderly parent, a constant burden with no real reason to keep on with life.\"

\"He had no right to say those things to you,\" I told him, shaking my head and willing myself to withdraw from the instinctual desire to comfort him.

\"No,\" Vegeta looked to the side again. \"in his mind, he did. He truly DID fear for Bulma\'s safety and in that, I can\'t hold a grudge against him. Had I been in his shoes, I would have done the same thing I suppose. Though, I can tell you as much, that wasn\'t my thought process at the time.

\" \"Goku is the strongest,\" He went on, oblivious to JUST how suicidal continuing was at this point. \"You\'re never going to defeat him. You couldn\'t even put a bruise on Frieza, even in his lower form, and yet Goku completely dwarfed that bastard. Every day you spend here is just another day that you waste everyone\'s time. You may be stronger than me Vegeta, we both know that. But at least I can admit I\'m not the strongest instead of whimpering by day to day trying to convince everyone that I\'m the ultimate big-bad when ALL you are is a coward that gave up and died at Frieza\'s hand. You know what Vegeta?\" He glared at me hard. \"You were a better man then. Because at least when you let yourself die, you had accepted that ultimately, you had no place in the world rather than just continuing on like you have some sort of purpose.\"

\"My hands were already on his neck before I could spit out any curses, sentence fragments and the sound of grinding teeth the only sound besides his choking. His eyes were red rimmed with blood vessels, a purplish hue already coming into his skin. His lips had turned a very light blue, the vessels in his eyes bursting with pressure as he gagged and wheezed, struggling like a dying animal in my grasp.

\"I slowly let my hands come closer together, the skin of his neck pinched by my iron-like fingers, his hands frantically digging into my forearms. I hadn\'t been so angry in such a long time that I almost enjoyed the feeling, able to work out every trace of rage into his death. I understood even then that my rage was fulled by truth, by the fact that everything he said had merit. I embraced the fact that I was so worked up because unknown to him, he\'d voiced my every insecurity. And that made me hate him; that he\'d concreted every complex I\'d had.

\" \"Vegeta no!\" I heard her scream behind me, horror in her eyes as she saw me. I looked at her terrified gaze, suddenly grasping a very harsh truth. She did fear me. I was suddenly the personified monster to her, the nightmarish force of nature that was as unpredictable as it was unstoppable. In all her fascination, I was still just an animal to her.

\"I threw him away from me, so disgusted with myself for having lost to my rage yet again. But I wouldn\'t kill him. He didn\'t deserve that and I wouldn\'t exploit myself to their idea of me. No, despite everything, I didn\'t want her to ever look at me that way again.

\"I would be the man, not the monster.

\"And a man had a purpose in life or he was man enough to admit when he didn\'t. So without a backwards glance, I left them both, streaking into the sky. I didn\'t know where I\'d go and I didn\'t figure it needed to be far. I was already gathering my power to myself, feeling the heat of it build as I let it start to burn within me.

\"I\'d never liked the idea of suicide and again, I\'m asking you to accept that I was a very young, foolish man at the time. In all the ways I\'d prepared my body to withstand any sort of attack, inside, I was still an insecure, hopeless idiot. I\'d lost a lot and for so many years spent being so strong, I now realized I didn\'t have anything to show for it. My strength hadn\'t saved me from Frieza, my intelligence had protected Faraque and whatever love I\'d ever been capable of hadn\'t been enough for Zarbon. I didn\'t amount to anything but a waste.

\"Sadness consumed me because for so long, I\'d let myself forget that it existed. My times with Bulma had erroded the very obvious loneliness that existed and everything that Yamcha had told me melted away those memories until only the loneliness existed behind them. Depression was one companion I\'d never lost and the one that I depended on the most as I felt my innards begin to burn inside me from the force of my energy. I was slowly imploding upon myself, letting the waste that I was burn from the inside out.

\"At least the pain pushed away the depression for a moment and I sank to the earth, trembling with coldness despite the inferno that raged within me. Was I ready to return to hell? I hadn\'t thought I\'d ever want to go back there yet now, any place seemed better than where I was. God, had I ever been so stupid as to want immortality when I wasn\'t even man enough to survive ONE lifetime?

\"I thought at the end of my days I\'d be confounded by thoughts of my first loves. I thought I\'d be swept up in memories of Zarbon and Faraque and all the sadness that came with that. I thought when I was dying for a second time, I\'d relive everything that I\'d thought would one day define me as a person. But instead, I thought only of how much I was going to miss out on with Bulma and then realized how stupid and petty I was to keep holding onto such a dumb dream. The reality was as cold and cruel as Yamcha had related it. I had no real purpose and as I had seen in Bulma\'s eyes, I was just a monster in this world.

\"I sank against the cool grass, feeling my heart tremor within me as it slowly heated up, banging against my ribcage. My arms could barely hold me as I knelt, sweat falling over my mouth as it pooled up my upper lip. I was shaking so hard that the earth beneath me began to cave in under my fingertips, dirt rising in the air from my energy.

\" \"Vegeta!\" I heard her voice, like a memory in my mind. My eyes opened, blinking from pain as I realized she was running towards me. I growled, forced to lower my energy, fearful if I kept it up at this rate, she\'d be harmed from it. Great. All was still well. I could just slowly cook myself from the inside.

\" \"Vegeta!\" She knelt beside me, obviously having no clue what my problem was. I wondered oddly how she\'d arrived so fast or if I\'d been melting myself for longer than I had originally thought. A nice idea came to me, that she\'d chased after me rather than tending to her wounded butt-crab of a boyfriend. Ahh, a nice thing to die to, I idly agreed.

\" \"What the hell are you doing?\" She kept asking, wincing when her fingers were burnt from my scalding skin. \"Why are you hurting yourself? Vegeta... What the hell?!\"

\"I hated that she, of all the fucking people in the universe, would see me like this, wondering if there was a way to quickly blow myself up without harming her in the process. Instead, it seemed I was doomed to bake my innards right before her eyes, as if being a weak, useless being wasn\'t enough to take a ripe shit on my dignity. Ahh but how suicide was just one on the list of crap things I\'d done with my worthless life.

\" \"Stop this!\" she slapped me in the face, cringing and shaking her hand from the pain. \"You dumb shit, stop this right now!\"

\"I would have probably laughed if it was possible, afraid that doing so would take me away from my cause, not needing this distraction at the moment. I was close to losing conciousness, needing focus to finish off the job.

\"It was a very sharp kick in the nads that jerked me into conciousness again, not having realized I\'d even lost it until I was on my back, holding my groin that felt more on fire than any part of my body. Bulma\'s faced loomed over me, tears in her eyes sobering my moment.

\"Shit, and I\'d never wanted to make her do that. I\'d never wanted to see her cry because of me. If there was a trophy for All Time Failures, I was certain my name was scrawled out on the plaque.

\" \"You think you have nothing to live for?\" She spat, her eyes flooding with tears and her bottom lip quivering. She seemed suddenly so insulting, hoisting me up by the collar of my shirt and bitch-slapping me right down again. \"You think there\'s nothing worth fighting for? Nothing worth waking up in the morning for?!\"

\"She punched me so hard that I actually bled from my nose, my weakened state making me vulnerable enough for it to actually REALLY hurt.

\" \"Who am I!?\" She screamed, hitting me again so hard that my vision was knocked off track. \"Who am I to you? HUH?!\"

\"My lip split before I could say anything, her knuckles covered in blood, both hers and mine. She was sobbing now, tears of anger and sadness. God, how I\'d sunk to the shit BENEATH the shitty bottom of the barrel.

\" \"Am I that little to you?\" She cried, throwing me down in defeat as she sobbed. \"Am I that petty, that pathetic in your world that you wouldn\'t even say goodbye to me? Am I NOTHING?!\"

\"She kneed me in the side, grabbing a fist full of my hair and wrenching me off the ground. I was forced to sit up, wincing before she pulled me into tight hug, my endevour to kill myself instantaneously forgotten. The softness of her hair and the wetness of her tears sobered me and I managed just enough strength to wrap my arms around her back, my head on her shoulder as I just collapsed in exhaustion. I wouldn\'t be able to kill myself even if I had the incentive to keep trying, my energy entirely zapped.

\"She kept on crying, holding me as she rocked with sobs, occasionally hitting her fists against my back which hardly even registered, as completely numb as I was feeling.

\" \"Why Vegeta?\" She whispered, shaking against me. \"Why can\'t you see it? Why do you have to be such a man? So hard headed? Why do you look passed me so easily? Or are my eyes so shallow that you miss everything behind them?\"

\"I was nearly passed out at this point, in a state of dreams and reality, mixed with delirious visions. Yet in all my feverish state, I still heard her words, letting them sink inside of me.

\" \"Can\'t you see yourself through my eyes?\" She breathed in defeat. \"Will you someday see yourself as I see you? Or do you still think there\'s nothing left to fight for, no reason to keep on?\"

\"She pulled me back suddenly, my head bobbing and my eyes rolling back and forth in my head. I tried hard to steady myself, to stare at her face as she held mine in her hands.

\" \"You have a reason to keep living Vegeta,\" She told me seriously, once she knew I was as attentive as I was going to be. \"And by God, if you ever try this again, so help me, I\'ll fucking kill you myself asshole. But if you need a reason, truly,\" she swallowed, glancing down. \"if nothing in your life sustains you enough to keep on going, than live for someone that cares very much for you. Live for me Vegeta,\" She pressed her lips against my own, resting her forehead against mine when she pulled away. \"Live for me.\"

\"And you know?\" Vegeta glanced up thoughtfully. \"From that day forward..... I really did.\"