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A Stagnation of Love (rewrite)	By : shinigamiinochi Category: Gundam Wing/AC > AU - Alternate Universe Views: 2207 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing AC or the characters from it. I am making no money from this story

Chapter List
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A Stagnation of Love

Chapter 6

Part 2
November 28, 2007
　

November 28th. I feel like I should mark that on a calendar with a highlighter or something. If I had a calendar. Usually, when I stop to write these journal entries, it's days or weeks or even months later during a bout of insomnia, when it's all I have to do or if there's something poisonous weighing me down that I need to vent. Tonight, for the very first time since Quatre's suicide, I came home and the first thing that I'm doing is writing this. Because, for the first time in a very, very long time, I'm... I'm happy.

That alone should be cause for celebration, shouldn't it? For the first time in over three years, I have this feeling in my chest, this lightness. I should be shouting for joy, right? It kind of demonstrates just how fucked up I am that I'm scared. I'm scared to be happy, how messed up is that? Pain is easy. I'm used to it. I'm used to soldiering on no matter what I feel, no matter how horrible my life gets. But what do you do when something good happens? What do you do when things turn around and suddenly, you're terrified that you're going to lose that light, whether it be through bad luck or fucking it up yourself?

Being happy is harder, maintaining that feeling is a hell of a lot more difficult than being depressed or angry. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to keep it. I'm lost and confused and I don't know how I got here. It wasn't supposed to be like this and I don't know if I should be worried that this is all some big, cosmic joke that's only purpose is to blow up in my face later. Quatre would say to just accept it and move on, to be happy while I can, but that's not in my nature. I can't help but worry and agonize over this, even while my heart is singing.

November 28th. It's the day that my life finished falling apart, and that it happened the way it did came as no real shock to me. It was inevitable and on that front, I'm scared because I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but it's a fear that I can understand and handle. What I can't understand is that... that November 28th is also the day that my life started to build itself back up again.

If anyone had told me that morning as I was walking to school that something good was going to happen to me at the end of it, I would have laughed in their faces. Life if weird like that. I'm still expecting to wake up and find that this entire day was a dream. Or at least, the last half of it. Today started out pretty typical for me. I didn't wake up as much as my alarm clock announced to me that it was time to stop trying to sleep and time to start getting ready for school.

I hadn't slept in two days. As bad as my sleep habits had gotten after my father had started raping me, after I had nearly shot him, it had gotten a whole lot worse. A part of it was my fear of what my nightmares would make me do, that one night I might come out of them and find that I had gone through with murdering him. But a big part was just an inability to settle my thoughts. My insomnia was almost complete, my daily sleep quota dropping from a tentative two to five hours to one to two hours every night, with the exception of a few days where I didn't sleep at all.

I know that something has to break. My grades are getting worse and I'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything. Even when I do sleep, I feel sick when I wake up, like I'm not resting at all. I've felt like I'm at the end of my rope these last two weeks, like I'm just in this waking nightmare that never stops. The only times I've managed to get any real sleep at all are when my father isn't home, but those times are rare now that he has a job again.

My father accepted a position working at the local steel mill just in the nick of time. I think he had been holding off on even applying to that place because of his pride, since it was one of the first applications that he had brought home after getting fired. I don't really blame him, only the truly desperate look for work there. It's hard, back breaking labor, with less pay than he had been making as a cop, and the people that worked there had to wear masks because of the fumes. But with only my mother and I employed, we had gotten far behind in all of our bills. When our electricity got turned off for two whole days, I guess he had finally decided that his pride wasn't so important.

My dad works longer days now than he had as a cop. 8am to 10pm Monday through Thursday. 56 hours a week. But just in order to make ends meet, he has to work that long. The only real respite I get from him now are when I'm at school or at work. I see him before I go to school in the morning and I usually find him in my bedroom an hour or two after I come home. He doesn't have to go out and meet Pat to get drunk now that he's bringing home paychecks again. He drinks more now. I hadn't even thought that possible, but it is. I'm amazed that he even has any liver left to destroy.

He's mad all the time now, too, frustrated from the number of hours that he works and we're still just as broke as ever, only barely able to pay our bills. Angry, frustrated, depressed, and drunk means that he needs to vent a lot more often, either with his fists or his dick. Worst of all, he doesn't even care about being discrete about it anymore. Ever since Mom saw him having sex with me that morning, he hasn't given one shit about trying to hide it from her. If he comes home or wakes up and he needs stress relief while I'm there, he'll take it, no matter what I'm doing or if she's around.

That morning was no different. He was already wide awake when I rolled out of my bed, watching the morning news with a scowl on his face. That scowl is becoming more and more of a permanent feature, deepening wrinkles on his brow. I had hoped that the news might be a distraction for him and that I could escape from the house to school unscathed, but he grabbed me just as I was about to leave the house. He bent me over the kitchen table and just kind of shoved into me. My mother closed their bedroom door so she wouldn't see it and ten minutes later, he was done, leaving me with bruises from the table and his hands, and some bite marks on the back of my neck and shoulders. He did that sometimes. Sometimes he was nice and acted like he loved me, that he was grateful and reliving some tender memory. But others, he was brutal and rough, animal-like, and would scratch and bite me in his lust, usually when he was angry drunk. It was like he wasn't even himself during those moments, but like he was possessed by some demon.

I'm getting used to it, though. In a way, I prefer it when he hurts me like that, when he treats me like I'm nothing more than a piece of meat. It's easier to take than his kisses and telling me how much he loves me. My heart can handle the violence, but not his love, if that's what it really is. Being loved that way is a kind of violence that I can't understand and can't cope with.

Already running late for school, I didn't have the luxury of changing my clothes, which was a definite oversight on my part. I'm not saying that if I had, what happened might not have, but it had definitely been a big mistake. I just wiped his gunk off of me with some paper towels, some blood mixed in with the semen, tossed it in the trash, and went on my way, my mind in tattered pieces from his assault. I probably should have taken a moment to collect myself, but I was so used to it at that point. Or maybe I was just so sleep deprived that I didn't even think that I needed that moment. I guess I was at that stage of insomnia where nothing really mattered to me.

This time of year is always strange to me. Thanksgiving was last week, so we got a five day vacation from school and finally came back today. Pretty much everyone, even our teachers, were in full holiday mode, chatting each other up about families that they had visited and the meals that they had eaten or how excited they were for the Christmas holiday that was readily approaching us. Even if I had had a friend to talk to about it, I wouldn't have much to say. Holidays, for me, aren't a joyous occasion. We can't afford some huge turkey with all the trimmings, although we do usually have turkey sandwiches and whatever our local grocery store has on sale.

This year I managed to slap together a halfway decent meal for my mother and I while my dad was working; a turkey pot pie with some various vegetables using ground turkey and an apple crisp for desert. I didn't even care about eating into my paychecks to get the ingredients for it. Even though my mother vacated into the living room to watch Thanksgiving movie specials and eat the dinner that I had made, leaving me to eat alone in the kitchen, it was still kind of nice.

We don't really have any family visit during the holidays, at least not that I know of. I know that I have grandparents somewhere, but they never visit or call, so I've never met them. The winter holiday season, to me, just meant a lot of time around my parents that I didn't want, loneliness, and envying what everyone else had that I would never know. Presents, big, home cooked meals, distant family and friends and parties, decorating, all that crap. We had a Christmas tree a few times when I was little, but it was fake and ended up getting mold on it and tossed out. My mother puts out some garland here and there, but nothing like the big, lighted spectacles that they put on in nicer neighborhoods.

The only nice, holiday memories that I have are from when I was very young and my parents actually tried to do something for the holidays and when Quatre had been alive. He had always made sure to do something nice for me around Christmas and some of my fondest memories are walking around the boardwalk with him on Christmas Eve, seeing all the decorations and getting free egg nog and candy canes from the Christmas Fair vendors. Since he died, I don't go out around December unless it's to go to work. Seeing the boardwalk all lit up in cheery lights and hearing people singing carols there off key hurts too much.

The day after Thanksgiving is a whole other affair. This year was no different as five am found me waiting in line at the mall to get some discounted winter wear. There wasn't a whole lot that I could afford, especially for a winter jacket, so I just bought a couple of cheap, thinner jackets that I could layer myself with and some boots with a coupon that Solo had given me for work. Construction work didn't stop in the winter, even if it snowed.

There was a very relaxed attitude among my morning classes that day as teachers returned back into the swing of classes. Our mid-semester finals are coming up next month, so most of my classes were just recaps of what we had previously learned this year and lectures on what the tests would entail. In Chemistry, we watched some film about molecules. I can't tell you anything more than that about it because two minutes after our teacher had turned the lights off, I had fallen asleep. No one seemed to notice and I woke up promptly when the lights got turned back on, so maybe I should plan for that when all of my classes devolve into holiday movie viewings the week before the winter break. It might be the only decent sleep that I get for a while.

I can blame what happened next on all sorts of things. My insomnia is at the top of the list, not only how rational thought had been difficult and slow for me that day, but how even more difficult it had been to control and hide my emotions. My quickness to anger lately is another thing to blame. My father would, naturally, be the key factor to all of it, the source of my anger, tiredness, and anxiety.

But mostly, I blame myself for my inability to keep my mouth shut, my stubborn personality, that thing that always kept me from doing what Quatre did best, just keeping my head down and walking away from a potentially disastrous situation, and for being too stupid to take five minutes out of my busy morning to change my clothes after my father had fucked me. I know that it was from sleep deprivation and not actually from not wanting to be late, something that was probably unavoidable, but I can still beat myself up for it at the end of the day.

My life fell into another level of chaos ten minutes before the post lunch period began. I suppose, if there is one bit that I'm grateful for in this whole mess, it's that it happened then and not at the beginning of lunch or the start of the day or, worst of all, during gym. I, at least, was given plenty of time to plan how to handle the fallout. Despite everything, I was pretty lucky that day that I didn't run into any of my... personal, little 'problems' before then. Heero, Relena, and Dorothy were as laid back and bored to be back at school as everyone else, keeping to their own group of friends.

I only had Zechs in two of my classes, so I barely saw him unless it was in the halls. Even though he had flunked out of graduating last year, he had already taken most of the classes that I was in, with the exception of the math class that we took together, but I sat in the front and he sat in the back corner, so I didn't even see him most of the time. Gym was the only class that I had to worry about him. His three cronies were in a few of my other classes, but they didn't come near me that day.

Nothing might have even happened if I had been paying attention to where I was walking in those last few minutes of lunch. I hadn't had much of an appetite lately, but I had forced myself to eat a school lunch of pasta and fruit salad. I was feeling sluggish and kind of out of it at that point and the only thing that I had found myself able to focus on was the route to my next class. Lucy wasn't even on my radar until I literally bumped into her.

It's a cliched tale, really. We were both turning the same corner of the hallway, walking in opposite directions. If I had been paying attention, I would have seen her just in time and darted to the side, but Dorothy was too stubborn to move out of the way. My book bag was secure over my shoulder, but our impact sent Dorothy's books flying. I almost grabbed them in reflex before I realized who it was and let them fall to the ground.

"Fucking loser," she hissed at me in fury as she bent down to grab at her things, "Why don't you watch where you're fucking walking, you useless faggot!"

I just watched her do it with this feeling of detachment, like I was watching something happening on television and it had no real connection to me personally. If I had been more aware, I would have spouted out an apology or just walked away before it could have escalated into anything else. But I was frozen until she stood back up and shoved me into the wall. She got in my face, her light blue eyes like chips of ice and her pretty face, like that of a porcelain doll's, contorted into a look of superior cruelty. Before she could lob any other insults at me, her nose wrinkled in distaste.

"Ugh!" she squeezed her nose shut between her fingers like she had smelled something especially rank and took a step back from me, "What is that smell?!"

Despite her look of repulsion, there was a sadistic spark of glee in her eyes that reminded me of her best friend, but worse, colder and crueler somehow. That was the thing about Dorothy, the thing that had probably made her gravitate towards Relena in the first place. She was just as bad as the other bitch, but she seemed to enjoy tormenting people even more than Relena did. Relena liked pushing people around. I imagined that it made her feel good, always being the one in control. Dorothy likes it, I think anyway, because she just enjoys hurting people. She always has this calm demeanor about her, like some ice queen, and she never really loses her temper like Relena does. In a way, she reminds me more of Zechs than Relena.

With that in mind, when she took a step toward me, I backed away until my back was against the wall, unsure of what she was going to do. She took another sniff at me and waved her hand in front of her nose.

"Oh god, it's you. You smell like an orgy, Maxwell!" she crowed.

Her words made a few people in the hallway stop and watch what was going on. I felt my face heat up in embarrassment and had to stop myself from taking a sniff at my clothes as I wondered if she could really smell sex on me. She probably could, but I couldn't let her know that her words had fazed me that much, even if I wanted nothing more than to slink away and take five showers to get the stench off of me.

"Just how many men was it this time, hm?" she jeered, "From the smell of you, you must have broken a new record. It's no wonder why you're so out of it," Dorothy suddenly pressed herself against me and my eyes went wide as she cornered me, molding herself against me in a way that had my stomach churning, "I know you're starving for cock, but that's no reason to not take care of yourself. It really is a shame," she cooed and I felt my heart start to race as I could feel her tits pressed against my chest and she ran one finger down my cheek, her nail like a talon, threatening to cut me, "You're white trash, but you're not that bad looking. If you weren't such a slut, I bet you could make a fair amount of money taking it up the ass. I could hook you up with some boys that would be willing to overlook your gender, if you're interested," her voice was a lion's purr, her eyes like a cat's that had spotted potential prey as I tried to push myself further back, away from her words and her body, "Unless, of course, you have such low standards that money doesn't even matter to you."

Those blue eyes of hers became excited as some thought came to her. I don't know why, at that point, I hadn't said anything to her, tried to get her to back down or just plain ran away from her almost sexual harassment, but I felt dazed and not from my lack of sleep anymore.

"I bet you and Winner made quite a pair," she sneered and her sudden change of topic practically eviscerated me right there, "Tell me, Maxwell, did you like him, too? Did you want to stick your cock up his ass, or was it the other way around? Did him liking Barton make you jealous? Oh!" her eyes widened a little as though some great revelation had come to her, "Or maybe he didn't like you at all! Maybe you thought you could get some money out of him if you sucked his dick, but he was too hard up over Trowa to even notice you! After all, Quatre was a fag, but coming from a family like his, I bet he had a lot higher standards than you do. Did you get mad and jealous of him and force yourself on him? Don't tell me that that was really why he killed himself, that you were just so repulsive that he couldn't stand being around you anymore, or maybe he was just tired of being molested by his 'best friend'."

Her words washed over me like an icy wave. All at once, I felt dizzy and cold, the kind of cold that makes you feel like you'll never feel warm again. My stomach churned and I felt nauseous. I knew that Dorothy was only saying those nasty things to hurt me, to be cruel, but that didn't make them hurt any less. 'Force yourself on him'... 'molested by his 'best friend.' Hearing those things rattled my entire self.

I wanted to scream that I would never do that I would never do that, rape my best friend. I would never rape anyone, especially not Quatre. The only reason why I smelled like an orgy was because my father had raped me. The only reason why I was so tired was because I knew what it felt like, to be held down and forced to have sex with someone that I would never want, to be used and hurt and violated by someone... someone that I was supposed to trust. Someone who was supposed to care for me. Someone who was supposed to love me and comfort me when I was upset, not be the one to... to do something like that to me.

How could I rape anyone? How could I hurt anyone like that? That one thought, of me doing that... doing that to the one person that had cared about me, who had been my torch in the dark for so many years, gutted me. It made me feel weak and hollow, but it didn't take long for that empty spot to turn to rage, just like it often does lately.

I was gay, so that made me a rapist? Was that true? My thoughts swirled in my head, not making any kind of sense, but only causing more turmoil in me. I liked boys, so does that mean that I liked Quatre? Had what I felt for him been more than friendship? Would I have, if he had lived long enough, done what my father had done to me? Would I have taken my frustrations out on him sexually, paid my father's violence back against my friend? Was that what is going to happen to me as I get older? Was that my future, the road that I was heading down as my life seemed to get darker and bleaker? She could never know just how badly her words wounded me, how I had already been questioning my sexuality, my being gay, and questioning my lack of desire my entire life. Questioning why I was such a freak. What did she know about it? Rape Quatre? How could I? How could I even have sex with anyone?

"Shut the fuck up!" I wanted to scream at her, "I never wanted him like that! I've never wanted anyone like that! The only person that I've ever wanted is Heero!"

Dorothy stepped back, away from me and stared at me in shock, those ice-blue eyes of hers wide in an expression that I had never seen before, like I had just spit on her or something. On her normally cool and perfect face, it would have been funny, if that expression hadn't been directed at me. I looked around the hallway and saw that every single person there, even the teachers, were staring at me with mixed expressions of horror, shock, and disgust. It was that moment that I realized that I had just shouted all of that out loud and not just in my head. No, not shouted. Screamed. At the top of my lungs. In a very crowded hallway. Right in front of Relena's best friend.

In moments like these, I think the only word that can possibly be uttered or thought by anyone is 'fuck'. In a single moment, with a single sentence, I had just outed myself in front of the entire school. Maybe you think that's being dramatic, but I knew, even then in my not altogether there state, that what had just happened was going to spread through the school like wild fire. I might as well have climbed on top of one of the tables at lunch with a megaphone and yelled 'I'm a fag'. It would have had the same, exact impact. Like I said, fuck. Just fuck.

Actually, I take it back. Saying to the whole school that I'm gay would have been a gentler blow. No, instead I had to break world records for the biggest fuck up in history and confess that, not only do I like other guys, not only am I exactly what my bullies had been accusing me of for years, I wanted to have sex with one of them. I was officially dead. The second that Heero, Relena, and Zechs heard of what I had just uttered, I was dead. Never mind worrying about my father going to far, never mind worrying about my future, this was the end. Zechs and Relena were going to kill me, or worse. I wasn't exactly clear on what that worse thing would be, but I was positive that, by the end of the day, I was going to find out.

I was lucky that by the time that I had figured that out, Dorothy was still processing what I had said. I was able to shove past her and make it to my classroom without anyone trying to stop me. I slid into my seat with no one the wiser, at least not yet. That period, to say that I didn't focus on the class is an understatement. I was just glad that no one could see that I was trembling as I sat there, suddenly faced with a brand new fear. What the hell had I just done? Anything else that was happening outside of that fear and bewilderment and my cursing myself out for running my mouth like that might as well have happened to someone else that day.

Four years. Four years I kept my sexuality, or my fears about my sexuality, a complete secret. Quatre had been the only one to ever know and that was only because I had come clean to him. If I hadn't, he might have never have found out, either. I had been so careful, never letting anything slip. Besides the rumors that Relena and her brother had spread, I had given no one any cause to suspect me of being gay. Even when I had been dating Trowa, no one had even wondered if we were friends, let alone boyfriends. How had this happened? How had I let it? It felt so surreal to me that for several minutes, I was so sure that I was having a nightmare.

Unsurprisingly, it was Quatre and Trowa that I thought of the most during that period, not even my bullies and what was bound to happen to me the very second that they cornered me. But it wasn't because of what Dorothy had said. It had absolutely nothing to do with her accusations of me and Quatre being more than friends, oddly enough. I thought about my relationship with Trowa and his constant fear of being discovered, how he had hid his own sexuality so well, even to the point of betraying Quatre to keep his secret. I had always hated him for it. The day that he had left me behind to save his own skin in the equipment room, I had cursed his fears, but that day, I got a little taste of them. I felt like the walls of that classroom were closing in on me and I couldn't breathe.

I won't ever forgive Trowa for throwing me under the bus, or for cheating on me towards the end of our relationship, but I could understand his fear. I could understand how it felt, having people looking at you and knowing what they were thinking, how they were judging you. I knew now how it felt to be a true outcast, to be truly hated, and to feel like your entire life was ending. And I had never had what Trowa had. I had never had any kind of popularity, any kind of reputation that could be labeled as a good one. I was going to lose a hell of a lot less than what he would have.

But still, in that moment, I would have given anything to get that small sliver of my life back, to just be the bullied loser and not the fag. Because I don't care what anyone says. Yes, there is a huge difference between a rumor and the truth. There is a difference between what people call you in jest and what they hiss in hatred behind your back. Maybe I hadn't lost a lot. I hadn't lost any friends or anything like that, but I had the understanding that my whole life was going to change. I didn't think I could withstand much more of that.

I thought about the day that Quatre had died, not his suicide in itself, but what had happened before. I remembered walking outside and seeing that crowd, hearing the things that our classmates had said about him. Quatre had felt this. This terror. This gaping chasm in front of him. I know that his decision to kill himself had been more than just the whole school finding out that he was gay, but I understood all of a sudden that it could have been enough. Seeing all those eyes on you, hating you, repulsed by you, even if those people had never been kind to you, it still hurt. He had decided to kill himself and had spared himself from ever having to worry about what came after, with living with that kind of hate. Maybe he had been the smart one.

I had never thought that about his actions before, but in a messed up way, maybe he had done the smart thing. Smarter than me, because instead of running home to kill myself or even just plain running away from everything, there I was, sitting in class, wondering what the hell it was that I was supposed to do now. In school, they teach you how to pass your finales, how the human body works, how to practice safe sex, how you should act in certain situations, like what to do if you find someone's wallet on the ground or find out your closest friend was stealing test answers. But they never tell you what to do when you become a total social leper, when everyone finds out that you are the thing that their parents warn them about, the thing that is the brunt of every dirty, mean joke they tell.

I had thought that that class was as hard as things were going to get, but they only got harder as the day went on. I was incredibly careful going from class to class, more careful than I have ever been in my life. I didn't linger when classes ended, but I made sure that I wasn't the first one out the door, either, leaving with the teacher. I didn't trust any adults to keep me safe, but I figured that no one was going to try anything if I stayed close to multiple teachers. I stayed away from my locker and the rest rooms, any place where someone might be able to corner me. I was still surprised that I managed to get through the rest of the second half of the day with no one trying to beat me up or do more than hiss something nasty under the breath.

I thought that I had been a social leper before. That's a joke now. It's almost literal. When I walked through the hallways, the crowd parted, like no one could bear the thought of me accidentally brushing up against them. Even classmates that had simply been nonchalant about me before threw me repulsed glares. Some of them even looked affronted, like they couldn't understand why I was being allowed to walk among them, the freak that I was. They stared at me openly, whispered things to their friends, or just called me faggot right to my face. I pushed past all of them and tried to ignore it. It wasn't easy. It had hurt before when it had just been Relena and Zechs's groups, but now even teachers looked at me with open contempt.

I got tripped and shoved. Things were thrown at me. And I knew that they were just getting started. But I hadn't run into Zechs yet and while you would think that would make me relieved, it really didn't. There was no reason that I could think of to why he wouldn't just find me in the hallway and tear into me, and his absence just made me paranoid. Maybe he would wait until gym, maybe when I was about to go into the showers, some time when I was vulnerable and in a place where no adults would feel compelled to stop him. Well, he would be waiting a long time for that because I had no intention of going to gym class that day.

I couldn't risk skipping my other classes, not with my declining grades, but no one would give a shit if I missed gym, least of all me. I could get a hefty head start to anyone looking to assault me as soon as school ended. I have no idea what I'm going to do after today, but I've been in 'one day at a time' mode for awhile now. When the bell rang, signaling the end of our second to last class, I bolted out the door and into the school parking lot.

For awhile, I was so sure that I had gotten away with it, that I could go hide at the library until I had to go to work and nothing bad would happen. I left the school property and took a right onto the street that would lead me in the direction of the library, feeling relieved. It didn't last long. The library isn't that far away from the school. It's right next to the baseball field, along a tiny, secluded avenue that goes past this quaint coffee shop. With school still in session and most adults at work, both the street and the parking lot were empty of anyone. It was right when I turned into that little avenue that I saw them standing ahead of me, blocking my path.

Relena, Trant, Heero, Alex, Mueller, Dorothy, and three others from their group, two of Zechs's friends and one of Relena's, were waiting for me on the road, spread out and just... waiting. I have no idea how they knew where I was going or that I was going to skip the last class, but there they were. Zechs, Dorothy, and their friends had smug and superior smirks on their faces when they saw me approach. That was the look of a clan of hyenas, knowing that their plan to corner the helpless gazelle had paid off. Mueller was twirling a bat in his hands, an excited gleam in his eye.

I tried not to think about what they were going to do to me in terms of life or death, or even how long my hospital visit was going to be, but I also knew that there would be no outrunning them. Mueller was on the baseball team with Heero and Alex was on the track team with Zechs. The two of them were probably as fast as I was and in the state that I was in, I wasn't so sure that I had the energy to out maneuver them. They would take me down, either with superior speed or just plain endurance. What I needed was a place to hide, but the only direction that I could go was behind me, further north. I couldn't make it past them to the library or even to my house, it was too far of a distance in the wrong direction.

The only ones that were looking at me different as I stood there, frozen in place with fear and resignation, were Relena and Heero. She looked pissed and sadistic. I knew then, although it wasn't often her style, that she was going to join in on the beating beyond her typical taunts. This wasn't just because I had confirmed what she had started saying about me, this was personal. I had confessed to liking her boyfriend and she was going to make me pay for that. I wondered if it was just her disgust, or if she felt slighted again, if she was remembering her adolescent crush on me and hating me for liking him instead of her. Or maybe that wasn't even on her radar. Maybe she just plain hated me.

Heero looked... intense. Focused and pale, like he was trapped in some horrible thought. He looked anxious and nervous and I wondered if he was uncomfortable with what they were going to do to me, or if he was simply disgusted to be there with me. I wondered what he thought about all this, about my confession. I was sure that disgust was only the barest of emotions. I wondered if he would deliver the first blow or if he just wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

I think that's what hurt the worst, that whatever little acquaintance and friendship that we had had, those companionable talks of ours and his recent... concern for me, all of that was dead now. I hadn't wanted it, but I had, and I had ruined it. Just like everything else in my life, my true nature had come out and I had destroyed everything, even his ability to be around me. Now I wasn't the lonely, awkward kid anymore, I was just the fag that dared to have such a twisted desire over him. He probably wanted to scrub his brain clean knowing that. I would have done anything in the world for him not to have known. Had Quatre felt this way, faced with Trowa's reaction? This feeling of filth and betrayal, all leveled at himself?

Relena was the first one to break away from the pack and take a step towards me. The rest of them followed her, menacing in on me, closing in. My heart raced and screamed at me to run, to make a break for it, but I didn't move. What was the point? Either today or tomorrow or the next day... eventually they would get me. In that moment, I couldn't see the point of anything. I suppose it could have just been my tiredness, but I think it's more than that. I think that I had finally hit the wall of my life where it was just easy to stop and let that truck hit me finally. I just didn't care. I was frightened, but it was Heero's gaze that scared me, not the threat of violence. I wished, not for the first time, that I had squeezed that trigger and blown my brains out. It just seemed so much easier to let it all happen, to do like Quatre had and surrender to gravity, than to try to fight.

"What the matter, faggot?" Relena sneered at me, "Why do you have that scared look on your face? I hope you don't think that we're here because you finally came out of the closet," she laughed at that, a harsh sound that I was all too familiar with, "What a joke! We all knew that you were queer years ago, you think that that is any kind of shock to anyone? I'm actually relieved. For someone like you... someone who looks like you and acts like you to be straight, that would be a mockery to the rest of us! Even Quatre hid it better than you do!"

I felt my hands curl into fists at my sides, but I didn't say a word as her cruelty flowed out of her. I didn't question the truth of it, if she was right and I really did act and look gay, whatever that meant.

"Like I told you before," she flicked her hair over her shoulder, "You should have done the world a favor and let that truck kill you. But you couldn't do that could you? You couldn't just wilt in some corner, or get AIDS from one of your lays like all the other faggots, could you? Instead, you had to jerk off to poor Heero!" her expression quickly turned from smug to hate filled, twisting with rage, "What gives a lowly piece of trash like you the right to even look at him, let alone let your filthy, unnatural mind fantasize about him like that?! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"You really are pathetic, aren't you, Maxwell?" Zechs's laugh was an echo of his sister's, "You and Winner were quite a pair, the both of you didn't have the common sense to keep your heads down like queers like you deserve. You would have been better off sucking each other off. Don't you even have any consideration for Yuy? Now he has to go through life knowing that some lowly fag wanted to fuck him. Or maybe it's the other way around?" his snake eyes turned to Heero, who was looking more uncomfortable by the minute, his blush almost mirroring my own, "How about it, Yuy, you want to stick your dick up this little fairy's ass? That kind of thing sound appealing to you? I mean, with that long hair of his and that pale, soft skin, you could probably imagine that he's a girl, if you try hard enough."

"N-no," Heero forced out through gritted teeth.

"See?" Zechs crowed, his icy eyes falling back on me as I felt like my heart was being ripped out through my throat, "He doesn't want anything to do with you and can you really blame him? So what are we going to do now, Maxwell? Upstanding citizens like us, we can't just let little queer boys like yourself think that you have the right to look on someone normal like Heero like that. What you need is someone to set you on the right path of life, don't you think?" he turned back to Heero, confident, I think, that I wasn't going to suddenly run away from them, "You should be the one to start this party off. How about it, you want to teach the filth some manners?"

I looked to Heero. I don't know what I was hoping for from him. I felt like I was thirteen years old again, looking to Trowa and hoping that he would stand up to Relena for Quatre's sake, only to watch him walk away from her with his tail between his legs.

"No, thanks," Heero grimaced.

"Hey, I don't blame you," Mueller said in sympathy, "If it were me, I wouldn't want to touch the freak with my bare hands, either. Here," he tried to hand Heero his bat, "This should do the trick just fine."

Heero took a step back from Mueller, looking like he wanted to be anywhere but there.

"I'm good," he muttered and Mueller just shrugged.

"All the more fun for us," he grinned and handed the bat off to Zechs instead.

Zechs grinned back at his friend, the muscles in his arm flexing as he gripped the wooden bat. I understood then, quite clearly, that he was going to kill me, or at least come very close to it. I felt sick seeing how excited he was, his blood lust unleashed in full. I had always been frightened of him, especially since he had started bullying me when I had been twelve years old. I had always known the sort of person that he was, that he was a brute, someone who had no real regard for other people. The only difference between him and anyone else that killed for pleasure was that he hadn't been given permission, a reason. Well, he had it now. Who would blame him for killing someone like me? Would anyone even care? Even that wasn't enough to spur me into action as he took a step towards me. No one was more shocked than me when Heero suddenly walked quickly forward and grabbed Zechs's arm.

"Wait, maybe we shouldn't do this," he protested, his voice shaky.

That was when I realized that Heero was scared. He was as scared as I was and it wasn't his ass on the line. Was he just worried that he would get in trouble for taking part in this? I had never seen his tanned face look so pale, his eyes so wide and his hands almost shaking. Zechs glanced at him in irritation, like a bull at a fly that was bothering it.

"Getting cold feet?" he sneered at his sister's boyfriend, "Don't worry, Yuy. You just stick back like the little chicken shit that you are and let us do all the work. Like I said earlier, we'll take care of your little problem for you and you can say that you weren't even here."

For a moment, I felt ice cold and numb, a terrible thought rooting itself in my heart. What if Heero had instigated this? What if he had suggested it, asked for it, and really was just getting cold feet about it? I couldn't take that, the thought that the boy that I loved wanted to see me turned to paste, merely because I had a crush on him. The mere possibility of it hurt, but deep down, I refused to believe in it. Heero wouldn't do that... not him. Maybe he was a coward and a prick, but some part of me knew that he didn't have this in him.

Heero looked nervously around at his friends as Zechs pushed past him. His eyes darted this way and that and he looked like he had swallowed something extremely vile, unsure of what to do with it. Then, just as Zechs was getting close enough to me that I was going to have to make my own decision of what to do, flee or let myself be hit with that bat, Heero acted. He situated himself right between me and Zechs, the one thing that I never, in a million years, would have thought that he would do. I really did feel like I was watching the same thing play out from three years ago, only to watch the ending change right before my eyes.

"Don't," he begged Zechs, in a tone that I had never heard from him before, one of desperation, "Don't hurt him."

I don't know who looked more shocked at his words; me or Relena.

"What?!" Relena exclaimed in confusion, "What are you saying, Heero? Aren't you sick knowing that this perverted fag is masturbating over you at night?!"

"I..." he started to say, but the words caught in his throat.

He was the only thing standing between me and a truly epic beating, the only thing... protecting me? I wasn't sure if that was the right word for it. But I was sure that it wouldn't last. I was so sure that he would walk back past Zechs and abandon me. Just like everyone else. It was all that I could expect out of him. He was still, like a rock, as he studied his friends again. He glanced back at me and I felt a chill go through me when his pretty blue eyes clashed with mine. The expression there was strange. It was so filled with fear and uncertainty, so much so that I wanted to tell him that it was ok if he let them hurt me.

That sounds insane now, but I really did have that impulse. I didn't want him to be scared or look so off kilter, like his world was falling apart at the seams. Compared to everything he was, compared to everything he had, what was I? I was a worm, a maggot, nothing. He had no reason to want to protect me, even if he was against this kind of violence. Yet there he was, considering it. He looked back at Zechs for a moment, then turned towards me. Those eyes of his that had looked so scared were now so cold and hard. They were full of determination and purpose.

He had made a choice, I knew, although I didn't know what it was at the time. Whatever it was, that decision weighed heavily on him, like a condemned man deciding to accept his fate. I was so positive that he would have that bat in his hands, that he had decided to deliver the first blow after all, but he wasn't holding anything. Zechs looked coldly smug, though, and I was sure that he was thinking that he had pushed Heero into beating me up, that his resignation was in their favor. Of course it was, because that's what any sane person would choose.

As it turns out, I'm not the only insane person around here.

Heero grabbed my wrist hard, his fingers digging into the bruises there harshly and I'm sure now that that was on purpose, to make me wince and get them to think that he was going to hurt me.

"Run, now," he hissed at me, too low for any of his friends to hear.

I was too shocked to run, too busy trying to figure out if I had started to dream while I was awake. That can apparently happen, if you lose enough sleep. Heero didn't give me a choice, though, and that was probably what saved both of our asses as he pulled me along, breaking into a quick run. I had to run in order to keep him from pulling my arm off. After a few seconds, my higher brain function finally came back to me and I remembered what it was that we were running from and that time was kind of important.

We went a lot faster when I started to run with him instead of just being dragged along like a rag doll, although he didn't let go of my wrist even when I matched his pace. His hand was tight around me, hurting my deep bruises. It was hot, like a brand, but one that I was all too happy to have burned into my flesh. I felt like I had died and gone to heaven, just to have him touching me. The pain was inconsequential, the reason for our running irrelevant. Heero had saved me from his own friends. He had risked those friendships, his reputation, for me. I felt so happy that it couldn't possibly be real.

My mind kept circling in thoughts of Trowa and Quatre, how my best friend had never gotten to know that feeling, to have the person you loved sacrifice themselves for you, even if I was sure that Heero had done it out of pure moral principles. That didn't even matter to me. He had done the one that Trowa had never done for me or Quatre, the one thing that I had been so sure that no one would do for me. We were running together, linked by his hand, and nothing else in the world seemed to matter beyond the joy that threatened to burst in my chest. How long... how long had it been since I had felt something like that? Something so pure and wonderful?

Just like all the other times that I've felt something like that, it didn't last long. By the time we had miraculously passed by the center of town and had entered North Nausten without being caught, and I imagined that that was only due to Heero's friends hesitating over their shock, I had stopped thinking in terms of 'he protected me' and started thinking things like 'why would he do that' and 'is he insane' and 'what does he want from me?' Because why else would Heero Yuy have done something like that unless he wanted something?

I tried as hard as I could to get away from that thought. It was too jaded. I was too jaded and I really didn't want to be that person just then. I wanted to be happy that he had done this and not think that there was some other motive behind it. But why? Why would he save me? Why, after every cruel thing he had let his friends do to me, why now did he stick up for me? Because he hadn't wanted to get his hands dirty, or did he actually care about my welfare for some bizarre reason? None of it made any sense to me and I couldn't even tell if that was because what he had done lacked any kind of sense or I was just that tired that I was having trouble reasoning things out.

The more that I thought about it, the more that I loathed him for what he had done. Don't get me wrong, I was grateful and it made me love him more than I ever had before, even though I had thought that impossible, but it just drove home to me what a hypocrite he was. He had never fit in with Relena and Zechs's group, he had just pretended. He had changed his colors when he hadn't been able to stand it anymore, but that just meant that he had been able to stand everything else, didn't it?

I found myself getting angry, but it didn't actually have anything to do with him taking so long to grow a spine. It had to do with me. I was angry at myself, because if it weren't for me and my addle brained confession, Heero never would have done that... I never would have put him into a position where he would have had to make that choice. Maybe he was an idiot and didn't realize what this was going to mean for him, just how badly he had just fucked himself over. Aligning himself with me, even just to soothe his conscience, was going to make him a target. Didn't he get that? Why the hell would he risk that for someone like me?

Heero navigated us through some side streets and through a couple of patches of bushes and trees, no doubt trying to make it hard for us to be followed even as he reduced our speed. I didn't see anyone following us yet, but I doubted that they would give up very easily. He tugged on my hand and had us duck under another tree, my wrist screaming in pain and I had had enough. I dug my heels into the grass and pulled my wrist back, yanking it out of his grip. Heero stopped and looked back at me with this adorable, bewildered expression on his face.

"What's wrong?" he asked in concern, which only made me more furious at him.

Where did that worry come from? Why did he give a single fuck about someone like me? After all this time, I couldn't understand him. Who was this person that had just risked everything for me?

"You!" I snapped at him angrily, "What the hell do you think you're doing?! Are you fucking insane?"

His brow furrowed, making him look puzzled.

"I'm helping you," he said like he was talking to a small child.

"But why?! Why would you do something that stupid?! Don't you get what they were going to do?!" I demanded in exasperation.

"Yes, they were going to hurt you," he looked down at the ground guiltily, "I... I couldn't let them do it."

"What do you care?" I jabbed a finger in his chest, "They've been hurting me since the day you moved here and you haven't given a flying fuck until now, so why even bother? They're going to kill you, you know that don't you? It doesn't matter that you're rich like they are or that you're dating Relena, the second they see you again, you're mincemeat. Only a total idiot wouldn't get that, so why save me?! Me, of all people! You have nothing to gain from this, and don't try to tell me that it was just because it was the right thing to do, because that's nuts! Guys like you do not just go around rescuing losers like me for the hell of it!"

"Then I guess I'm nuts," he murmured, "because that's exactly why I did it. I didn't want to see you hurt, not... not like that. All I could think about was stopping it, even if I'm aware of what Zechs is going to do to me for it. Instead of asking me why I'm bothering now, you should be asking why it's taken me so long to get my head out of my ass," his lips quirked into this weak but completely endearing smile, "It's like you've always said, I'm a pathetic, hypocritical coward. But some things... some things are even too much for someone like me to ignore. I had to do something for once, can't you understand that? I just wish that I had done something for you sooner."

I flushed darkly at his words. It was too easy to believe that he really did care about me, and that was way too dangerous for me. I couldn't handle getting hurt anymore than I already was, it wouldn't take much anymore for me to break. I almost wished that he had just let them beat the shit out of me, it would have been easier for me to take, but this... this was insane no matter what angle I looked at it with. But you want to know the really fucked up thing? I felt terrible because I felt like I had messed up his life, just like I had messed up so many peoples'. I know that it was his choice to do what he did, but I still felt that way, like anything bad that happened to him now was my fault.

"Look, just," I ran a nervous hand through my bangs, "Just go back to them and make up some story. I don't know, say that you were just so freaked out about getting caught and losing your shot of getting to play this spring and you panicked. I don't care, but stay far away from me and fix it before they-"

"I don't care about that!" he snapped at me, making me flinch at his sudden anger, "I don't care if they treat me like they've been treating you, maybe I deserve it for all the awful things I've been doing to you!" I felt trapped in his fiery blue eyes, but then all at once, that anger fled him and he just looked drained and hopeless, "Alright, that's a lie," he admitted, rubbing at the back of his neck, "I do care, I've always cared, that's why I... that's why I've always been such a spineless bastard to you, I didn't want them to do those things to me. I didn't want to be like you, so I joined in on it, but that doesn't mean that I liked it. I hated it, I always did. Now that I've turned my back on them, I don't want to do the same to you. I don't think that I can going back to being that asshole. I don't want to get hurt but... I don't want to be that person anymore, either," he looked at me through his long bangs almost shyly, "Is it true... Do you... do you like me?"

I had been expecting disgust or outright anger at a line like that, but he just looked nervous and unsure of himself. I blushed even worse as he turned tracks on me, my stressed brain unable to keep up with him. This incredible embarrassment hit me and I wanted to run away from him. I wanted to lie and say that it wasn't true, any of it. I wasn't a fag and I didn't want him. I wanted his friendship, I wanted... I wanted this, the two of us talking honestly with each other, feeling like we were seeing each other for the first time. But how could I possibly have that if I lied to him now? My desires warred in me. I wanted to protect my heart, I wanted to feel happy, I wanted to be close to him, I wanted to solidify the barriers that I had raised up around my feelings.

"I..." my voice cracked, my throat suddenly very dry and I trembled, "That's... I... I mean... I'm gay, you get that, don't you?"

"Yes," and to my astonishment, he said it with a wry smirk instead of with any kind of harsh accusation, "I understand that."

"Well, I'm no different than any of those girls at school!" I blurted out awkwardly and cursed myself for being unable to say this with any kind of grace, saying such a stupid and embarrassing line like that.

Heero chuckled, making something inside of me shiver.

"No, I don't think you're anything like them at all," he said wryly.

My flush intensified. I hadn't even thought that possible. Was I going to spontaneously combust before making him understand?

"I just mean that... well... you're good looking. Every girl in the whole damned school likes you. You're attractive and even though you've been a dick to me most of the time, sometimes you haven't. You're the only person in this whole fucking town that's been willing to sit down with me and talk... the only person who's ever seemed worried about me. Who wouldn't like someone that did that? So yeah, I think you're handsome, but it doesn't mean I'm going to rape you or hit on you or something like that!"

I looked at him with huge, owl eyes in shock when, instead of leaving me there in fear or disgust or revulsion or even just an inability to deal with another boy liking him like that, he reached over and touched my arm in comfort.

"I don't think that about you," he said softly, "Even when Dorothy told me what you said... I would never think that you would do what they accused you of."

I tugged awkwardly at the hem of my shirt, feeling this white hot electricity go through me at his touch. I couldn't understand him anymore than I ever could. Everyone else hated me, loathed me, they would never be able to touch me like that, knowing what I was. So how could he? How could he stomach to be around me and why was he suddenly being so damned nice to me? No, not suddenly. He had acted like this before, I had just been unwilling to accept it.

"I like you," I whispered, "I... I don't mean just because I'm gay and you're attractive. I mean I like you... as someone to talk to, someone that I would want to be a friend with," despite myself and all of my desire to be cool and collected around this person, I felt tears prick traitorously at my eyes. I told myself that it was just because I was tired, but I knew that that wasn't the reason behind my emotions at all, "I never wanted you to find out about how I feel about you. I-it's not because I was worried that you would expose me to everyone else, I just... I just never wanted you to be disgusted of me."

I wiped furiously at my eyes, not wanting those tears to fall down my cheeks and felt my breath hitch and my heart twist in my chest when that hand of his left my arm and grasped my shoulder in a grip that wasn't meant to hurt me, but was comforting. I wasn't used to that, that kind of touch, the strength and solidity behind something that wasn't out of anger or just too rough that it ended up hurting me anyway.

"Hey," he soothed, "I'm not disgusted of you. I'm not angry that you like me, either. I never was, not even at first, not even when Relena told me for the first time that you were a... that you might be gay. I'm flattered."

"What?" I sputtered, "You're flattered?!"

He shrugged like it wasn't any kind of big deal.

"You said that I'm handsome, right, and that you like me just like all those girls like me, right? So why wouldn't I be flattered? And what you told Dorothy... that I'm the only person you've ever saw that way... that means that I'm special," he said in this teasing way that somehow brutally honest as well, "So yeah, I'm flattered to be the one guy that you think is attractive."

"But I'm gay!" I protested, "Any sane straight guy would hate to be liked by another guy! How can you stand to be talking with me, let alone want to save me from your friends, knowing what it's going to cost you? You can say that it was the right thing to do, but knowing and doing are two different things. We aren't even friends and you risked that much..."

"Because it was the right thing to do," he insisted, "And those people... they aren't my friends. You need to get that. I know that I hurt you and you're confused, but I want you to understand something. Just because I hung around with them, don't think that I'm like them, that I think like them. I hurt you to fit in with them, but I don't actually believe in any of that crap, Duo! I don't think that you're nasty or a loser or trash just because you like men, so don't assume that I should consider that in my actions, that it has anything to do with why I helped you. You think that I wasn't aware of your sexuality this whole time, and I was just ignoring it when we talked? I don't care-"

The both of us flinched as someone walked by where we were 'hiding' and he grabbed my arm, pulling me behind the tree so we wouldn't be seen. I let him do it, my heart bursting with happiness at his instinctual protectiveness. We glanced at the sidewalk and the person just walked by our spot, some woman wearing expensive track pants and even more expensive shoes. It really drove home to me where I was, how out of place I felt in that side of town and who I was talking with. Our class difference was the least of my concerns about this whole thing, though.

The both of us breathed in relief seeing that it wasn't one of our pursuers, but Heero didn't look relieved.

"I want to talk to you about this," he said in frustration, "but we need to get moving. It won't take them too long to figure out which direction we went in. You need to get somewhere safe."

I snorted at that. What exactly was safe? Where could I go where Zechs and the others wouldn't find me? My house? How was that any different than getting beaten on them? Right then, even if I was confused and floundering to find some steady footing, I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to leave Heero. I can't really put the feeling to words. There was just this... this warmth in my chest being with him and talking with him for the first time like that. I was happy... but I was also scared that if I left him, this weird spell would be broken and things would go back to how they were before, like I was dreaming everything and fighting against waking up from it.

"Yeah, you have a place?" I asked with dry amusement.

"Yes, actually. My house. We can lay low there until they get bored of this," he proposed.

I blinked stupidly at him. Heero's house? Why did the thought of going there to hide out make me feel so off center, like I was invading some sacred territory, some place that I most definitely did not belong? Maybe because I didn't belong there in reality. Heero and I weren't even friends... or were we? I wasn't sure where I stood with him. He was being too nice to me and I didn't know how to respond to that niceness. Was he trying to make friends with me or did he just pity me? Which one did I want to be true? I could go home, I realized. I could risk getting caught by Zechs and Relena and just make my way home. Heero had done something kind for me, but that didn't have to mean anything more unless I wanted it to. We could just... go our separate ways from here and watch our own backs from now on, if he was really set on not going back to them.

"Your parents..." I tried to protest.

"Are really laid back, I promise," he said.

I chewed on my lip. I think I understood then that this was more than him just offering me a safe haven for a couple of hours. I don't know what he saw in me, why he cared at all what happened to me, but I was just starting to accept that it was more than just him wanting to do the right thing, that there was something about me that he liked and wanted to befriend. Honestly? I don't think I could have turned him down even if I had wanted to. He had told me once that I needed a friend and I had told him that I didn't need anyone.

He had accused me of lying and, even though I wish that weren't the case, he had been right. I was a liar. I needed someone. I had always needed someone. Quatre and Trowa... and now Heero. Even if all of my common sense screamed at me that it was a bad idea, I needed him to like me, to want to be around me. In isolation, I had been rotting away, dying. I needed a friend, even if that friend was the boy that I secretly loved. Heero might know that I was attracted to him, but I would never tell him that it was a lot more than that.

"Alright," I agreed, "but just for a little while."

His face bloomed into this brilliant smile that almost had me on my knees. He really was beautiful and I felt so fortunate that I was able to finally see that, through all of the ugliness he had shown me. We returned the street and he led the way, the both of us walking at a brisk pace, but not running just yet. We didn't have to walk for very long, the street that Heero lived on was just a couple streets from where we had stopped to have our little talk. To my relief, Heero's street wasn't one of those cluttered with mini mansions and castles, but just a quaint, peaceful little street with sprawling, manicured lawns, and simple, but decently sized, two story homes, complete with perfect, picket fences and gazebos and flower plots that belonged in some home and garden magazine.

Heero's house was... well, it was beautiful. Remember that house I talked about that was one of my first jobs with the construction company? It was like that. His house was just another two story, like the others on the street, but there was really nothing 'just' about it. It had various tones of grey with brick and dark grey shutters on it's many windows. Some of the windows were round instead of square and they, combined with the porch swing in front that spoke to me of some old, country house, and the immaculate, elegant garden in front, complete with a couple of cherry trees, reminded me of a fairy tale.

The drive way wasn't done in smooth asphalt like most of the other homes on the street, but with segmented, flat grey, white, and sandy stones. The walkway leading to the door was made of the same stones. They had a proper, two door garage and as we approached the walkway, I could glimpse a huge, wrap around porch and patio around the back. The walkway was lined with small, iron lantern lights that I imagined were almost mystical looking in the summer. There was a white, crosshatched lattice arch at the front of the walkway with some sort of flowers wrapped around it, growing on it. They were small and white and violet. The small roof over the doorway was supported with white pillars that reminded me of some of the older, colonial homes that I had seen on television.

The door was this deep, rich, reddish brown color that went wonderfully with the muted grey and white tones of the rest of the house. It had a large window pane of frosted glass on it. There were lilies etched into it. The left side of the house, viewable from further down the street, was solid brick and covered with creeping ivy, like some cottage in the middle of the woods. I could spot a brick chimney as well and imagined that a place like that had at least one fireplace, if not two or three. Just standing there on the front porch, I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and tranquility that I had never felt before and I envied Heero to be able to live in such a place. I also felt very ashamed of my own home. It had never felt quite as squalid to me as it did then.

I followed Heero inside, feeling so out of place that it isn't even slightly funny. I kicked my sneakers off where he did near the front rug and walked with him into the living room of the house. It was... well I've already said that it was beautiful, right? That pretty much describes the interior as well. The collection of loungers and sofas in that one room probably cost what my entire house cost. There indeed was a fireplace in there, done in dark stones, and a hanging chandelier-like light fixture, a sliding glass door leading out to the back porch, a large television set, paintings, lush rugs, and who the hell even knew else. But all of it wasn't over done and it wasn't boasting, just... I can't describe it.

There was a small, mahogany table standing against a wall under a large painting of a tranquil lake. On the table was a crystal vase filled with various flowers that had obviously been fresh cut from the garden outside. They filled the room with a fresh, floral scent that was very pleasant, especially compared to what my home smelled like. The interior was all done in more various tones of grey and cream, with some muted, earthy green tones here and there. It wasn't the luxurious place that I had imagined in my head when I had tried to envision where Heero and Relena lived. It was better than that. It was... relaxed and down to earth, a place that I could tell people lived in, if that makes any sense. From the moment that I stepped into that quaint and warm home, I didn't want to leave.

A sharp bark was the only warning either of us got as a grey blur burst into the room and tackled Heero, almost forcing him to the ground. His large husky got up on its hind legs, his front paws almost resting on Heero's shoulders, and he mercilessly lapped at his owner's face.

"Augh!" Heero pushed at his dog, "Kanuck, down, down! I've told you a million times, paws on the ground!"

The husky mix relented and dropped back on all fours, panting happily and doing this weird little dog dance of excitement. When he noticed me there, I worried that he might try to tackle me as well, but he simply kept shuffling in that hyper way and licked exuberantly at my hands like we were some long, lost friends or something. He whined at me when I just kind of stared down at him.

"C... can I pet him?" I asked Heero.

He laughed at me.

"Of course, he doesn't bite anyone, even the mailman."

That hadn't really been my worry to begin with. I reached down and scratched the top of the dog's head, the touch stilling his restless movements. His fur was so different from Pepper's, lush and thick instead of silky smooth. His large, triangular ears intrigued me and stroked them for a moment, Kanuck seeming to enjoy that. I suddenly realized that I was smiling just from interacting with the silly thing.

"Mom, you home?" Heero called out after tossing his book bag onto the steps leading upstairs as we passed it.

"In the kitchen!" a feminine voice called from one of the doorways leading out of the living room.

I automatically tensed and worried that Heero might get in trouble for letting a stranger into their home, even if I was a classmate. I was being stupid, I knew, but certain manners had been beaten into me from an early age and I didn't like going into unknown situations like that, especially when it involved angry adults. I didn't exactly have a lot of sets of parents for reference beyond my own. How would they react to me? Would they ignore me? Be annoyed that I was there? Distrust me because it was blatantly obvious between my secondhand clothes and overall worn appearance what side of town my family hailed from? Would they think that their son was slumming it by making friends with me?

I could have just stood there in the living room for hours with the dog, debating if I should follow Heero into the kitchen to say hi to his parents or not, my nervousness warring with my desire to be polite, not to even mention my curiosity to meet Heero's family. Oddly enough, it wasn't my manners or even Heero glancing back at me that spurred me forward, it was the smell wafting from the kitchen. The dueling scents of some kind of fish, a baked desert, and baking bread assaulted me, making my mouth water and my stomach clench. For the first time in a week, I felt my appetite return full force, demanding that I cater to it.

The Yuy's kitchen was large and open, bright thanks not to the artificial lighting, but a sky light on the ceiling. There were so many tools and gadgets that it reminded me of some of the cooking shows that I would watch when my father wasn't home to make fun of me for it. They had a gas stove and a huge microwave, brass cookware, one of those stand mixers that cost upwards of three hundred bucks, and even one of those double ovens that rich people have. A quick glance at them told me that Mrs. Yuy was making some kind of fruit crisp on the top one and what looked to be round bulbs of bread in the lower one.

In the middle of the cooking process that was the kitchen stood a woman that was a little bit shorter than Heero and I were and she turned to beam a sweet smile at the two of us when we entered. Heero's mom was beautiful. She looked like she was from some kind of Asian descent, probably Japanese if Heero's name was any indication. She didn't speak with any kind of accent and a few of her features appeared Latin, especially her tanned skin, which was the same shade as Heero's, so she was obviously American born. Unlike Heero, her hair was jet black and straight, tied back in a pony tail that hung almost to her waist, instead of dark brown and wild. Her eyes were black and shaped exotically, like almonds. As she moved expertly around the kitchen, her long hair danced with her slim and graceful figure.

"Hi, Mom," Heero greeted with a nod of his head.

"Hi, sweetie. Oh, who's this?" she addressed me, but her smile only grew.

I felt myself flush stupidly and almost fidgeted where I stood, feeling like I was a little kid again.

"Duo Maxwell, Ma'am," I bowed my head a little, not sure if she wanted me to shake her hand or something, but her hands were dirty with flour.

She brushed them off on her apron and flushed prettily, letting out a slight laugh.

"So polite," she teased me in wonder, making me blush harder.

I wasn't sure how to take that, if she was surprised that someone like me could be polite or if she was just surprised to have teenager be so formal. I wondered if any of the other classmates that Heero had brought home had called her 'ma'am'.

"Duo's a friend from school," Heero explained to her, "I told him that it would be alright if he hung out here for a few hours, if that's ok?"

"Of course it is, but I really wish you had given me some kind of warning, Heero," she chided, "I would have made you boys a snack. I'm afraid dinner won't be ready for a little while longer. Would you like to stay for a bit longer, Duo? I promise, my cooking hasn't killed anyone in quite some time."

Heero rolled his eyes at his mother's joke, but I was thrown for a loop by her offer. It was like something out of one of those old sixties television shows, but it was a totally alien situation for me. I had never been taken over to someone's house before. I had never been offered to stay for dinner, either and I felt really awkward being treated so nicely by this woman that was a total stranger to me.

"N-no," I stammered, feeling totally out of my depth at that point, "that's alright. I have somewhere I have to be in a few hours, but thank you for the offer."

"That's too bad," she said with a disappointed frown and I wondered why she cared, "Well, why don't the two of you go play video games or something and I'll make you some sandwiches at the very least."

"That's not necessary-" I started to protest, but Heero interrupted me.

"Sure. We'll be on the back porch," he didn't give me any room for argument, gently pushing on my back and leading me to yet another sliding glass door that led out to the immense porch, these ones in the kitchen. Kanuck loyally followed us.

'Property'. I had heard that people that lived up north had things like that. Ours was just consisted of the length of the drive way and maybe a couple feet in back of the house, so walking out onto that porch and seeing what laid beyond it for the first time was like a punch to the gut. They indeed had a patio where I imagined they would barbeque in the summer or throw parties or whatever it was that rich people do in their spare time outside. The ground was made of flat stones and there were various patio furniture laid out, complete with a table that had an umbrella over it. There were string lights overhead that I puzzled over, since they would have to be taken down before it snowed, and a large, state of the art grill. We didn't even have a grill.

Off to the right was another paved and flat area where I saw a wired fence around a pool. A freaking pool, and an in ground one at that! We had a beach and a public pool, what did they need a private one for?! Beyond that, there was this huge area of just grass and a cluster of trees further back. The area led to a large hill and I wondered what it overlooked, if their property was even bigger than what I was seeing. I couldn't even imagine it, having this much space. Why would you need it? What would you even do with it? The lives of rich people were a mystery to me.

The porch itself seemed as big as my whole house. It wrapped around the back of it and had various chairs. There was another damned porch swing, but this one was bigger than the one in front. That one had been a two-seater and made of wood, this one could easily seat three people and had a metal frame with a lush cushion over it. Heero sat on one end and I sat on the other and Kanuck all too happily sat down between our legs, occasionally looking from one of us to the other with a loll of his tongue. It was more comfortable than my bed and I could imagine myself in total peace out there, just curled up on the swing and napping in the summer, a cool breeze ruffling my hair as crickets chirped in that wide plane of lush, green grass with only the moon as a night light. The fantasy pained me because I would never know that kind of peace.

"Your mom's really nice," I said to him as we sat there and watched some birds fly overhead.

"I guess she is," his voice was soft and I thought that there was some contentment in his tone. I wondered if he got that feeling of peace out here that I did, "What's your mom like?"

I couldn't help the wince at his question.

"She's..." I shrugged nonchalantly, "She and I don't really get along... or talk, for that matter. We've never been close, even when I was little. She works a lot and is kind of... cold, I guess. Distant. She doesn't get along with my dad, either. She just kind of ignores the both of us and goes on with her life. She just goes to work, comes home, eats by herself, and goes to bed. Because she's always working, she doesn't do a lot of housework. She used to cook when I was little and she was pretty good at it, but for some reason, it got worse as I got older, so now I do all of the cooking and most of the housework."

"I'm sorry, Duo," he apologized, looking pained at my description of my mother.

"Why?" I asked, bewildered, "It's not your fault, that's just the way she is."

"Still..." he sighed guiltily, "I forget sometimes how lucky I am to have the parents that I do. I guess everyone our age does until they realize that not all parents are like that. I've always taken them for granted. I even got mad at them when they moved us here. But even though they both have jobs, they've always been here for me. My mom always has dinner ready at five, my dad is always here on the weekends to help me with homework or toss the ball around. And you're right, my parents are both nice. They're patient and understanding and..."

He suddenly bit his lip and I knew exactly what he had been about to say. 'They don't hurt me.' I guess he had realized how rude that comment would have been, but I wouldn't have minded because it was the truth. Heero's parents were nice and normal, like Relena's were. They didn't beat him. They didn't rape him. He was allowed to be upset and show that he was upset. He could do his homework without the sound of screaming and he didn't have to worry about keeping the household running on his own when his father disappeared on benders for a few days.

I was jealous of that, of his home life, but I didn't hate him for it. It was the luck of the draw. I had understood that from a young age, that that was just the way that things were. My parents were lacking in comparison to a family like the Yuy's. Moping about it wasn't going to do a damned thing.

"My family is my family," I said simply, brushing off his guilt, "It might be different than yours, but it's the only one I have. I'm used to it being strange and... well... I won't say that I'm ok with it, but it is what it is."

I thought about Quatre's family then, how they had never hit him or told him that he was unwanted, but how they had hurt him all the same. Yes, Heero was lucky and I didn't even think he truly understood how lucky he was.

"What does your mom do for work?" I asked, desperately wanting to change the subject away from my miserable home life to his.

"Preschool teacher," Heero told me, "She works in Hope, actually. There weren't any openings for a teacher in the younger grades in Nausten."

I could easily imagine that kind, open woman as enjoying teaching little kids. I was sure that it was a lot more rewarding than teaching back talking teenagers.

"And your dad is some kind of therapist, isn't he? I heard some of our classmates saying that he won some award."

For a moment, Heero's lips quirked into a smile that I can only call proud as he thought about this father.

"Yeah, he did some work down in Florida with homeless kids. You know, counseling and trying to find them the right funding and placement. He even worked with the FBI and local police getting witnesses of violent crimes to talk. The state gave him an award for helping put kids in need in healthier homes and helping getting the ones that were in gangs or drug addicts stable jobs. But," he said sadly, "it was really hard for him and after he got that award, he retired to private practice. Now he just counsels people who can afford his services and have problems sleeping or some baggage they want off their chest. He's home a lot more than he used to be, so Mom and I can't complain."

My stomach twisted in anxiety at the sudden thought of my father. I couldn't talk about him the way that Heero just had, proud and full of love for the man. I did love my father, in my own twisted, dark way. But my thoughts of him now are too twisted up in fear and hate. Again, I felt jealous of the boy that I liked, of what he had and what I never would. I would never know what it felt like to be happy that my father was home more, to know that he would be there when I needed him, to have a dad that I could love like it was the most natural thing in the world. We fell into a peaceful silence with each other and I was just so happy to be there, sitting next to him in his home, no matter how surreal it was, no matter if I felt like I was dreaming the whole thing, that I would have been content to have stayed there until I had needed to go to work, but I knew that I couldn't.

"You said that you wanted to talk... about what happened," I said very cautiously, "You still haven't convinced me of why you did it, you know, why you bothered to help me at all. And you haven't explained why you've only ever been nice to me when your stupid girlfriend and your friends were around. If you're really not that type of person, why pretend in the first place? Why be friends with them?" I looked over at him, taking in his uncomfortable stance and pained expression and whispered, "Which one is the real one?"

He was silent for awhile, his hand dropping down to absentmindedly pet his dog like it was some kind of security blanket for him, but I was confident that he wasn't brushing off my concerns and patiently let him mull over his answer.

"That person you're talking about," he finally said, his tone soft and somber, "The one that was dating Relena Darlian and made friends with her friends... the person that called you a... " he struggled with the word, "a fag... the person that let them do all those terrible things to you..." his blue eyes found mine and they were piercing, "That person isn't me, Duo. It was never me."

"What does that mean?" I asked without any accusation, "You didn't even want to date her? Then why do all that? Why even extend that much effort? If you wanted to fit in, to be normal, you didn't have to align yourself with them to do it."

"No, I suppose not," he murmured, "but... it's more than that. I wasn't just trying to fit in... I was trying to hide. I... I understand what it's like to be scared of people finding out something about you, something that no one can accept. I know what it's like to try to hide that thing, at any cost. I know what it feels like... to think that the whole world hates you and wants you to disappear."

"I don't understand," I said in confusion.

Those blue eyes of his were filled with some deep angst, but even seeing that pain there, I wasn't prepared for what he said next.

"Duo," his next breath whooshed out of him in frustration, "I'm gay."

I stared at him in complete and utter shock for a moment, unable to believe in what he had just said. Heero was gay? How was that even possible? The more I thought about it, the more that it couldn't be. He was playing a joke on me, I thought. He had to be. This whole thing was just some new way to mess with me, to bully me about what I had just gone through, and as I started to accept that possibility, I felt myself starting to get angry from the hurt of it.

"This isn't some fucking joke-" I snarled at him.

"I'm not joking around!" he snapped right back at me, his anger efficiently defusing my own, "I'm not messing with you or trying to trick you or teasing you or any of that crap! I'm just as gay as you are! I like guys, I have since I was eleven years old. It's the entire reason why we moved here in the first place, because my parents found out about it and were scared that I was going to get hurt."

It was difficult taking all of that in. Heero was gay and his parents even knew about it... I didn't know if that meant that they accepted his sexuality or just kind of ignored it, but I didn't think that he was lying to me. I realized that it had been stupid of me to think that he was just pulling one over on me. What sane person would do that, want someone to think that they were homosexual when they weren't, even for a joke? But I didn't know what to think of his confession. It didn't bring me any kind of elation knowing that we were both gay. It wasn't like I was thinking that he was suddenly going to kiss me and confess his love for me anymore than I would think that a straight boy would think that every straight girl liked him. But I felt... I guess if I had to describe it, it was the same feeling that I had had with Quatre. This feeling of kinship, of finding someone else in the world that might understand what it was I was going through.

"If that's true, if you're really gay... then why date Relena?" I demanded, "I've seen you kiss her! You didn't look like you were faking that."

Heero ran a hand through his dark hair.

"That was kind of the point," he said wryly, "and it wasn't like it was easy, ok? I'm not like you. I'm a coward, I always have been. I couldn't bear the thought of anyone thinking those things about me, that I'm a fag. I didn't want to be bullied like you were. The first day of school, when I saw how she and her friends treated you, and afterwards, when she introduced herself, I realized that it was the perfect cover for me. Who would ever suspect that the boyfriend of someone like her, a homophobe and a bully, would be gay himself? She was camouflage," he glanced over at me and then quickly looked down at the ground again in his shame.

I couldn't even imagine the amount of willpower he must have had to have even kissed Relena, to have disliked her and not even found her attractive. If nothing else, he was an amazing actor, but I thought of Trowa, what he had done to me towards the end of our relationship to blend in and realized that you didn't even really need to be a good actor to get away with something like that. People see what they want to. It hadn't taken much to even convince me that Heero was a homophobic prick like his girlfriend was, and that they had this great relationship. I wondered what kind of excuses he had come up with to make sure that he would never sleep with her, or if he had been like Trowa and so desperate for companionship that he would have faked his way through that, too.

"Every time I called you 'fag'," Heero whispered, "I felt like I was cutting my own heart out."

Just then, I remembered all those times that he had done that and those few moments when he had looked so uncomfortable about it. I had always assumed that he was uncomfortable around me, but now that I knew the truth, it seemed so blatantly obvious that he had been forcing himself to copy his 'friends'.

"Were you outed at your school like I was and that's why you moved?" I asked compassionately.

I could have hated him for bullying me, I guess, but I actually felt bad for him, hearing him talk about how hard it had been to call me those nasty names. In a way, he was being bullied, too, only no one had known about it. It had been his choice, but I could understand it, the fear and the need to protect yourself. And unlike Trowa, he hadn't needed to hurt anyone but himself to do it. I just couldn't imagine that kind of strength, to hide things that came so naturally to you so completely, all to blend in with the same people that hated you. What would that be like, to call your enemies your friend, to live in constant fear of one of them finding out the truth? How could I hate him, knowing that turmoil? How could I ever when, with every growing second that we spoke to each other, I was falling more and more in love with him, the real him?

"No, it never got that far," he confessed, "but I was afraid of it happening all the time. It dominated my life. I didn't dare to try to date. I was forcing myself, all the time, to flirt with the girls in my class, even though I never went far with them, just so no one would suspect. Then, a friend of mine was getting bullied. He wasn't gay or anything, it was over something else, but they hurt him so badly, over something that wasn't even that big of a deal. He was just different. My parents found out about what happened to him and they freaked. They knew that if people found out what I was, I would get a hell of a lot worse than he had, so they moved us here."

"But why here?" I puzzled, "Why not a more neutral place like Rhode Island or California? Nausten is really conservative, in case you haven't noticed."

He rubbed at his jeans, focusing on them like they were something fascinating.

"I... I had a really hard time after my friend was attacked," he murmured softly, "And then my parents had forced me to move. I felt so guilty all the time, for not protecting my friend, and then for disturbing my parents' lives. Because of me... because of my sexuality, the way I was born or however something like that happens, my father had to move his practice and my mother had to move away from her family. I hated myself for it. I became depressed, so my dad decided to move us here instead of a place like that. I've always been close to my grandparents on his side of the family from the time that I was a baby, especially my grandfather. They live in Hope and they offered us their home while my parents looked for work here. We lived with them for a month before I started school here."

It was like my own feelings, my own failings were coming out of his heart and mouth. Guilt... depression... that feeling like you were letting down the people that you cared about because you weren't good enough, weren't normal enough... I couldn't conceive that this boy, this seemingly normal boy from a good, upstanding family, was dealing with those same feelings. I reached over and squeezed his knee briefly. I wanted so badly to comfort him, but I didn't know how. I felt so poor at it. It had been years since I had even had anyone in my life that I had wanted to offer comfort to, and it had never been my strong suit. Despite that, he smiled at me and I thought maybe that I had done something right.

"I'm sorry, Heero," I told him, "I understand what that feels like. It sucks, being a burden to your family."

He nodded and lightly touched my shoulder in thanks.

"You know," I made up my mind in that moment, exactly what I wanted from that touch, "I like you. I don't just mean that you're attractive, you're a nice guy, when you're being yourself and not pretending to be some prick. I don't know if you asked me to come here just because you wanted to explain yourself, but... but if you wanted to be friends..." I stumbled over my words like a newborn foal that had just discovered its own legs, "I would like that a lot. But if you do try to be my friend, you can't pretend to be normal anymore. Even if no one finds out what we have in common... that won't matter.

"Aligning yourself with me is the same as committing social suicide. You can't have things both ways. If you want to go back to being their friend, I'll understand and I won't hate you for it, now that I know why you act like that, but you can't be my friend when they aren't looking. I couldn't handle that. It would be best for you if you acted like you still hate me. They might distrust you and make fun of you for awhile, but they won't hurt you. If you decide to be my friend, though, they will. They'll all come after you, especially Zechs. I don't want to be responsible for that. After everything you've done to protect yourself... you have a chance to be normal, you know. I'm not going to be the one to fuck that up for you."

He mulled that over, looking off into the distance at some invisible thing.

"All I wanted when I moved here was to hide and protect myself," he turned and smiled at me and I felt something inside of me heat at the sight of it, "But then I met you. I don't think that's what I want anymore. I quibbled with it this entire time. When I kept meeting you at the beach and when you told me what your father was like... that he was hurting you... and after that horrible thing that Zechs did to you that day when you yelled at me to leave you alone... I think I knew what it was that I wanted...no, what I needed to do. But I was still a coward, I couldn't make up my mind. Then when you confessed you were gay, you forced my hand. Like I said before, even if it got me in trouble, even if I had to come out of hiding, I couldn't let them hurt you. I was willing to sacrifice all that I've worked for with them to help you."

"Why?"

He gave this little snort of a laugh.

"I've always admired you, you know, from the moment that we first met," he confessed.

I gawked at him.

"What? You... you admire me? Why?! There's nothing about me..." I shook my head in denial.

"There is," he said softly, "Like I said, I'm a coward, but not you. I'm weak and I had to be friends with those assholes just to get by. But you... you never tried to be friends with them or suck up to them or try to hide what you are in order for them to think that you were normal."

"I hide all the time!" I protested, "That's all I do is hide what I am! The only reason why I blurted out that I was gay to Dorothy was that she was pissing me off and I slipped up!"

"No, that's different," he pointed out, "Not coming out and telling people that you're gay is a hell of a lot different than me pretending to be something that I'm not. Dating Relena, bullying you... you never did those things to fit in. When people called you fag, you didn't demand that they stop, you've never cowered and let your fear of what they are going to do to you make you do things that are against your nature. You're brutally honest, Duo and you're brave. I know you don't think that, but trust me, you are. You can be who you are, even if it has consequences and I admire that. I've wished, for awhile now, that I could be that way. I guess now I can, because I really don't want to be that fake person anymore."

The porch door from the kitchen opened and Mrs. Yuy came bustling out with a tray, making the both of us cut off our conversation.

"Here you boys are," she said with a sweet smile, placing the tray on the table near us, "Nothing special, just some cookies and BLT's."

There was also what looked to be a pitcher of iced tea on the tray and I marveled at the woman that had put it all together as just a 'snack'.

"You didn't have to do all this, Mom," Heero protested even as he handed me one of the sandwiches.

"Nonsense," she waved a hand at her son, "It isn't every day that you bring a friend over."

I quirked an eyebrow at him over that and he blushed.

"I never really had an occasion to bring my other friends over," he muttered in embarrassment.

I was quick to read between the lines on that one. He hadn't wanted Zechs and the others over at his house, violating his sanctuary, the place where he could be himself. Or maybe he had just not wanted his parents to know what kind of friends he had at school. I felt honored that I was one of the only ones that he had let into his world.

"You never did all this for Relena," he accused his mother and narrowed his eyes at her.

His mother's normally sweet expression turned both falsely innocent and sly and I realized that there was more that was going on between the two of them than I was allowed to see.

"I'm sure that your friend will enjoy my cooking a lot more than your... 'girlfriend' did," she said the word like it was somehow both dirty and like she was teasing him with it.

I wondered for the first time just how Heero's parents saw his girlfriend, if they understood why he had one if they knew that he was gay and disapproved of it. It made my view of them go up quite a bit, that they didn't like his attempts at playing straight while I'm sure that most parents would enjoy that, thinking that their queer son was changing his ways. I couldn't imagine what that would be like, to have someone that actually supported my sexuality.

"Thank you very much, Mrs. Yuy," I said politely.

"You're welcome, Duo," she beamed at me and disappeared back into the kitchen.

"So Relena doesn't like your mom's cooking?" I asked Heero.

He blushed even darker.

"She liked it just fine," he muttered defensively, "I didn't bring her over a lot, she usually wanted me to come to her house or for us to go out on dates. Plus, my mom doesn't really... get along with her, not even when we met. The first time my mother cooked dinner for the two of us, Relena told her what it waste it was for her to be in the kitchen, that with the kind of money that my dad makes, she doesn't even need to work and can just hire a housekeeper that can do the work better than her."

I winced. For someone like Relena, who probably did have housekeepers, a comment like that was probably very logical. She probably hadn't even realized that she had been disrespecting Mrs. Yuy by suggesting that her housekeeping skills were subpar and unnecessary, and double points against her for saying that her work was trivial.

"That was rude," I muttered.

"Yeah," Heero sighed.

We fell into a companionable silence as we ate the sandwiches and cookies. Kanuck was obviously well trained and didn't try to nab any of the food, but from time to time shot me a big-eyed, liquid stare. I hadn't had fresh lettuce and tomatoes in a very long time and found myself eating three of the five sandwiches that Mrs. Yuy had made for us. If he cared that I was eating most of it, Heero say a word about it. The cookies were homemade and freshly baked and although I had never had iced tea before, I found myself enjoying that, too. After finishing the meal, I actually felt like I might survive the end of the day. Somehow, even after everything that had happened, I didn't feel as horribly tired as I had before. I felt like I had been revitalized in that short period of time.

"I should probably get going," I told Heero, although it caused me almost physical pain to say it, wanting to stay there for as long as possible, "I have to be at work in a half an hour and I should probably go home first."

I had tried not to think about it, and neither Heero or his mother had said anything about it, but I was well aware that I did not smell great. Sweat from all that running had helped to hide the sex smell that had gotten me into this mess in the first place, but it wasn't anymore of a pleasing aroma than the other. I should really start carrying a clean set around with me.

"Alright," Heero said.

"Um... I would really like to hang out with you sometime... only if you wanted to," I stammered shyly.

"I would like that a lot," his smile had me feeling weak in the knees again.

Heero nabbed the tray and led me back into the kitchen, Kanuck following us like a permanent shadow.

"Oh, Dad, you're home," I heard Heero say as he stopped short in front of me.

I peered around him and saw a man standing next to Mrs. Yuy, a hand on her shoulder. I don't know what I had been expecting Heero's father to look like, but Mr. Yuy wasn't it. While my own father was tall and muscled, making him look imposing, Mr. Yuy was thin and lanky. He was only a couple feet taller than I was and where Heero was tanned, his dad was fair. However, while Heero had obviously gotten his skin tone from his mother, those brilliant blue eyes, dark brown hair, and handsome features of his were all his dad.

"Yup, Mrs. Benoit cancelled her session for this afternoon," Heero's father said in a light, laid back tone before noticing me standing behind his son.

Heero abandoned me to put the tray of dishes on the kitchen counter, giving his father an opening to step forward and reach out his hand to me.

"Hi there, you must be Duo. I'm Heero's father," he greeted.

I shook his hand, his grip firm, but not unnecessarily so.

"It's nice to meet you, sir," I said.

Just like his wife, Mr. Yuy seemed amused by my manners.

"What grade are you in, Duo?" he asked me.

"Oh, Heero and I are in the same class," I responded.

I felt something pushing against my leg and looked down to see Kanuck leaning against me. Seeing that he was caught, he whined up at me pitifully. I assumed that he just wanted attention and reached down to pat the top of his head.

"That mutt is spoiled," Mr. Yuy shook his head, "You let him get away with murder."

Heero just rolled his eyes at his father.

"Not my fault he likes him," he muttered.

"You're not leaving us already, are you, sweetie?" his mother piped in with an almost pout.

Sweetie. Something deep inside of me ached at that word. Surprisingly, I didn't think about my father and how he would call me that when he was using me. I actually thought about my own mother and how she never said things like that to me. I felt this yearning, looking at Heero's mom, and knew that I needed to get out of there quickly. That kind of situation, that feeling of family, was too dangerous.

"Sorry," I apologized, "I really have to get home, I can't stay for dinner."

"But he might come by this weekend to hang out, right?" Heero looked at my pointedly.

I felt like he had just sneakily entrapped me, and his whole damned family was in on it.

"Well... uh... I do have a job and homework, but I can come by before I start at 4 on Saturday, or I get off at 6 on Sunday," I mused.

A little voice in the back of my head said that I shouldn't, that I was getting myself in too deep, but I squashed it. I wanted to come back there, and I wanted to see Heero more, even if it hurt me. Besides, what else did I have? Staying home? The bright look that Heero flashed me then was all that I need to know that I would be visiting that weekend, no matter what. I will never know what it is that he likes about me, but I wasn't about to complain about it.

"Great!" Mrs. Yuy exclaimed, "Is there anything in particular that you like to eat?"

"Anything, really," I shrugged, "I like all kinds of food."

"I'll surprise you, then," she promised, "Oh! Speaking of food," she turned and pulled something out of the oven, "Since you can't eat with us, the least I can do is send you home with a little something. I hope you like clam chowder and peach crisp."

"You don't need to do that!" I protested, "The sandwiches were more than enough!"

"And yet I will anyway," she said cheekily, handing me a Tupperware container full of crisp and a bulb of bread filled with chowder and wrapped in foil, "Be careful with that so it doesn't break," she advised me, "I expect to get that container back when you visit this weekend," I was told with an equally cheeky wink.

"Thank you very much," I said, feeling overwhelmed by her kindness, "It smells amazing."

"I'll walk you home, ok?" Heero said as he put his coat back on.

"That's not necessary," I argued, knowing full well that he was offering it because he was worried that Zechs and his group might still be out there, waiting for me to show up, "I'm just going to take the bus."

"Nonsense. It's not that long of a walk and it's starting to get dark out. Kanuck needs to go on a walk anyway," he argued right back at me, not taking no for an answer.

"Fine," I sighed, "but you're being ridiculous and my house isn't exactly around here."

He ignored me, rummaging around in one of the kitchen drawers and pulling out a red leash. Kanuck barked excitedly when he saw it, his tail wagging furiously.

"Well, it was very nice to meet you, Duo," Mr. Yuy said with a soft smile, "You're welcome back here whenever you like."

"Thank you, sir," I waved back at him as Heero and I walked out the kitchen.

I was able to get a glance of him leaning over and kissing his wife on the side of her tanned neck, making her giggle like a teenager. I felt very sad seeing them like that. That was what love looked like, I thought. I wondered if my father and mother had ever been like that with each other, maybe before I had ever come along. Had I stolen that from them?

As we walked, we talked about stupid, mundane things; what winter was going to be like in Nausten, what baseball team Heero had played on before he had moved here, what Florida was like this time of year, a movie that Heero had seen recently, just unimportant things. It was nice, to be able to talk to him like that without the feeling like I was baring my soul. Kanuck was a good walking partner. He didn't bark at other dogs, try to chase squirrels, or pull on the leash at all.

"You don't really have to walk me all the way home, you know," I told him when we left north Nausten and entered the center of town, "I really doubt that they're out looking for me at this hour and it'll be a long walk back for you."

"Duo, it's fine," Heero said in exasperation, "I don't mind and it'll put my mind at ease knowing that they didn't ambush you or something."

"You do know where I live, don't you?" I asked suspiciously, wondering if he was even aware that there was a bad side of town and we were approaching it.

"Yeah, Relena's mentioned it," he nodded, "I don't care, ok? So what if you live in a bad part of town, that doesn't make you a bad person. It's not like you can choose where your family lives. I'm not that shallow to let it bother me like Relena and Zechs."

I couldn't help but sigh and keep moving. He might say that, but it was hard to swallow after seeing that house of his. How could I not be ashamed of my own and where I lived? All I could think about was Quatre and how, every day after school, I had walked him to his house, and calling that thing a mere house was laughable. I had never even offered to take him to mine and he had never asked about it. He had known where I lived, but he had just let it slide, either out of hesitation to go there or just understanding how embarrassed I was. But Heero wasn't like that. He didn't care that I lived on the poor side of town, and he didn't care that I was embarrassed, he was going to walk me home because that's what he wanted to do. Just great, I thought, he's as stubborn as I am, maybe even more.

To his credit, he really didn't seem bothered at all as we walked into south Nausten, even when passed by some condemned homes and even crossed a glamorous scene of an obvious drug deal going down. Heero didn't bat an eye at any of it, although his dog tensed when a huddle of teenagers outside of a liquor store watched us a little bit too closely. I recognized the look. They saw Heero's sneakers and jacket and jeans, all obviously high end, and were thinking of ambushing us. The large dog giving them the evil eye had made them think twice, though. Heero acted exactly the same as when we had been walking on his street, confident and nonchalant. I led him onto my street and stopped in front of my house.

"My house... it's..." I started to apologize.

Heero studied my house with the same intensity that I had his. I felt my cheeks flame as he took in the dead patches of grass, my father's ancient car, the flaking paint, and the broken slats on our own, tiny, five foot porch.

"Looks like you could use a new coat of paint," was all that he said and when I looked at him, he quirked a smile at me.

I couldn't help but smile back in gratitude for not looking repulsed at my meager home. A movement caught my eye and I glanced at the living room window. My father was standing there, a shadowed silhouette, no doubt wondering what was going on in front of his house. He had probably come home during his lunch hour. He really couldn't stand his coworkers, so it happened once in awhile. I turned away and ignored him. I didn't want him to intrude in my thoughts just yet. Just a little while longer, I pleaded the world, just let me pretend that he doesn't exist for a few more minutes.

"You might think that this makes me a jerk but, even though you went through a lot of crap today, I'm glad that it happened. It was nice, talking with you," he told me, his face going a bit red himself, "I'm going to hold you to what you said, about wanting to hang out. If you don't come over Sunday, I'm coming here and dragging you out kicking and screaming if I have to."

I laughed, trying to imagine Heero kicking down our door and doing just that. My laugh was rough and sounded so alien to me, but it felt so good just being able to do it.

"I don't think you'll have to," I told him.

"Well, have a nice night," he waved to me and began walking back the way he came.

Heero had to tug on Kanuck's leash to get him to move. The dog whined at his owner and looked back at me as if he was wondering why I wasn't coming with them.

"You, too," I waved back and walked into my house.

I expected my father to be right there in my face as I walked in the door, demanding to know who I was talking to, but he was weirdly absent. I ran upstairs and changed my clothes with this idiotic smile on my face. That entire day at work, well into the small hours of the morning, even on my way back home and knowing what would be waiting for me there, I didn't think about my father or the rapes at all. Even Solo noticed the difference and jokingly asked me if I had gotten a girlfriend or something. For the first time in years, I had something else to think about. Something better. A boy with blue eyes and a loving, normal family. A home, even if it wasn't mine. And a friend.

I just hope that I can keep this one.
　

End Chapter 6
Author's notes: Ugh, this part just about killed me in terms of length. When I first started it, I really thought it wasn't even going to end up being 30 pages, but then Duo and Heero just wouldn't shut up, lol. I hope that this chapter was ok for people. I rushed it a bit because of the trip, but I'm satisfied with it. This will be the last update until after I get settled, and even then, it might be awhile. The next chapter deals with some subject matter that I want to do some deep research on. It is also going to be... kind of a weird chapter, but not a bad one, I promise.
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A Stagnation of Love (rewrite)