Behind Blue Eyes

style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;mso-bidi-font-family:Verdana'>BEHIND
BLUE EYES

style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;mso-bidi-font-family:Verdana'>PART
THREE

*  
*   *

Only two weeks later Heero was already drowning in
work. He was accepted to the university and thus he had a lot of catching up to
do. He was down to working only twice a week, two shifts in a row. He had so
much studying to do that he barely slept. It didn’t bother him much, he was
used to hard work and few hours of sleep. It was actually quite stimulating to
be back to a packed and tight schedule.

He had deliberately chosen courses of subjects he knew
little about. He decided to leave the field of Natural Sciences and explore the
field of Humanities and Social Sciences. He had enough of accurate sciences for
a lifetime. He was majoring in psychology, with a side course of philosophy and
basic literature. He wished to explore the more spiritual side of man. He
believed that perhaps it would help him gain a new perspective on life,
beginning from his own as well as mankind in general. He was hoping to find a
different meaning to life than a constant struggle and fighting.

Most of his studying he did at Nora’s place or at the
local library. His own apartment did not inspire him to open his mind and
learn. On one weekend he took a break from his books and decided to clean
Nora’s apartment. Nora was out on some arrangements – for some reason she had
INSISTED on going alone – so he thought to use the time to clean her place. He
was practically living there, so it was the least he could do.

He was just dusting the shelves in the living room when
something suddenly occurred to him. There he was, standing in front of a large
bookcase, packed with many thick books, at a blind woman’srtmertment!

Why would Nora have so many books if she was blind?!

He put the duster aside and turned to examine the books
more closely. They were very dusty, suggesting that they haven’t been touched
in a very long while. He pulled out some books to read the titles, frowning as
he read them over:

“Diplomacy and Politics”. “Talking to the people”. “Social
skills in the diplomatic world”. “The cause of the ambassador”. “Diplomatic
history of Earth and Space”. “Connecting the Colonies with the Earth”. “World
Diplomat”...

The list went on and on. There were many books dealing
with both diplomacy and politics. He was surprised to find out that most of the
books dealt with Space rather than the Earth. He was even MORE surprised to
find a shabby old book written by the original, deceased, Heero Yuy. It was a
fairly thick book dealing with the history of war and tension between Earth and
the Colonies. He pulled that book out and leafed through it for a while. He
recalled reading it sometime, long ago, and probably as a part of his training.
Dr. J was an extreme patriot and he had him reading such books at a very young
age.

Stunned, Heero put the book back in place and took a shaky
step back. He was eyeing the bookshelf with wide and confused eyes. What did
all of this had to do with Nora? He never knew she was so deeply into Colony
Politics. Heck, he never even knew that she was from the niesnies! The
thought never occurred to him. Besides, why should she keep such a thing
secret? What was she afraid to tell him?

He was about to reach for another book, when the door
slowly opened. He hurried to withdraw his hand and quickly turned around. He
turned just in time to see Nora struggle to enter the apartment while carrying
three heavy paper bags. She was hidden behind the tall bags, the crown of a
lettuce and a baguette hiding her face.

That stubborn woman, he mused and strode hastily to the door. He took two
heavy bags full of groceries from her hands, easing her load.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were going shopping?” He
asked, frowning, as they both made their way to the kitchen. “I could have
helped.”

Nora was silent for a few moments, tiredly placing the
brown bag on the kitchen table. She turned to him with a weary gaze, looking
beat. Sighing, she said: “Heero, I can’t depend on you all the time. I’m a
grown woman, I can handle myself.”

Taken aback by her words, Heero bit his lower lip and
remained silent. He began taking out the different groceries out of pap paper
bag. He didn’t know if it was her words that bothered him, or the tone she
used. She sounded so... depressed. Hopeless. Something was wrong. Her voice was
too tired, and her words were unusually bitter. He thought she overcame her
bitterness, just like he did. The thought of being wrong about it sent chills
down his spine. He didn’t wish to be ignorant to her feelings. He wanted to be
there for her.

“I’m sorry, Heero.” Nora muttered silently as she placed a
carton of milk in the fridge. Her shoulders were slumped and her back was faced
to him as she spoke: “I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m just... tired, that’s
all. I’m just tired.” She whispered with a sigh, slowly closing the
refrigerator.

“I’m going to bed.” She added in a low murmur, her head
bowed as she slowly walked out of the kitchen.

Heero frowned in worry, watching her go. He looked down at
his wristwatch, noting that it was only five PM.
He looked up at her bedroom door, a painful pinch tugging his heart when he saw
Nora close it behind her.

Sighing, he bowed his head and closed his eyes sadly. His
fists were clenched at the sides of his body. He felt so damn useless at the
moment, being unable to help the woman he had learto cto care about the most.

*  
*   *

Nora came out of her room to make dinner that evening. Her
every movement was stiff and tired as she worked to prepare the meal. The
kitchen was silent aside for the clacking of a spoon against a pot and a knife
on the cutting board. A soup was boiling on the stove, the soft bubbling
filling the air with a numbing sound.

Heero was sitting by the kitchen table, his books set
neatly in front of him. He was leaning over a thick and shabby notebook, his
face concentrated with a frown as he tried to keep his mind on the text. His
mind kept wandering back to the bookcase in the living room, back to those
books Nora possessed. He wanted to ask her about them, but something told him
that he shouldn’t.

font-family:Verdana'>There was tension in the air. The atmosphere in the kitchen
was edgy and unpleasant. He felt tense even with no good reason, something in
the air made his muscles taut. Nora’s solemn mood was a great part of it.
Something was bothering the woman, and it bothered Heero as well.

He looked up from hioks,oks, stealing a glance towards
her. She was standing by the stove, stirring the soup. Her shoulders were
slumped and her appearance was tired. She seemed so fragile all of a sudden,
far from the proud and sweet woman he was used to see.

There was great sadness inside Nora, there’s always have
been. Sometimes, when he slept over, he could hear her cry at night. He would
be lying on the sofa, curled under a blanket he never remembered covering
himself with, as he listened to her cry. Her tears were bitter and full of
grief. Her pain echoed in every sob. He would lie there, lost and confused,
having no idea what to do. He didn’t know if he should go and comfort her, if
he should force her to speak or just ignore it for the time being. There was so
much sadness in her heart, so much pain he wanted to ease, but he didn’t know
how. When she cried, all he did was curl under his blanket as his heart cried
with her. He didn’t know what else to do.

The next morning she would be fine, all smiles and puns
and sweet manners. She acted like nothing was wrong, like the sun was shining
and everything was fine. She was a fool if she thought that he could not see
her sadness. Her eyes might be blind, but they told volumes of what she was
feeling. Something was murdering her from the inside. He had to make her speak
about it, somehow. He knew from experience that if she would just talk about
it, if she will let her secrets out, bear them in front of another soul, her
heart will be ten times lighter. He used to keep so much hurt inside him, so
much pain that his heart could not contain, and only when he began speaking
about it, only when he had someone to listen, that pain began to ease. Nora was
there to listen to him; she was there to listen and not to judge. He wanted to
do the same for her.

“Heero, would you set the table please?” Nora asked
quietly, before she turned off the fire in the stove.

“Hai.” He mumbled, closing his book. He slowly cleared his
things off the kitchen table and walked over to the cupboard to take the
plates. The kitchen was silent as he arranged the table, and it remained silent
as Nora served the food. She sat down heavily, exhaling a long siThe The chairs
creaked loudly in the silent kitchen as both drew closer to the table and began
to eat.

Heero stared at her sadly, leaving his food untouched. His
heart clenched painfully when he realized how tired she looked, her features
terribly pale.

“Is something wrong?” He dared to ask, his tone slow and
careful.

Nora didn’t turn to face him, and simply took another sip
of the soup. “No.” She said, sighing. “I’m just very tired, Heero.”

Heero sighed sadly. He used to be tired too, tired of
living, but now he was grateful for every breath he drew. And it was all thanks
to this woman. Why couldn’t he make her happy too!?

“I’ll be gone on some arrangements next week.” Nora
informed him quietly while eating. “So don’t be surprised if I won’t be home.”

“Where are you going? Do you want me to come?” He asked,
his tone somewhat hopeful.

Nora turned to face him, smiling warmly, though her eyes
glittered with sadness. “There’s no need, Heero, really. I can do this by
myself.”

“I understand.” Heero mumbled, bowing his head sadly.

“You’re welcomed to come over if you want, I’ll leave you
a key.” She said, still smiling in that tired manner of hers. “I’ll leave you
some food in the fridge, so you’ll have something to eat while studying.”

Heero sighed and shifted uncomfortably in his seat,
terribly bothered by this arrangement. He felte a e a nuisance. Perhaps she was
tired of his constant company. Perhaps he had used her hospitality to the
limit. Was he not wanted here anymore? But that couldn’t be, because she
invited him to stay anyway! No. there had to be another reason. Maybe she did
have something she HAD to do alone. But what?

“Heero, please don’t take it the wrong way.” Nora spoke
softly. She could read his silence so well, to a point where she could almost hear
his thoughts. She knew that he was taking this too grimly.

“You’ve done nothing wrong, Heero. There’s just something
I have to take care of. It won’t bng, ng, just a few hours.”

“I, I understand.” He mumbled, trying to tell himself that
indeed he had nothing to worry about. It didn’t help much. He knew that
something was going on, and it bothered him to no end.

*  
*   *

“Hey, Heero, you’re not coming to the lecture?” One of the
students in Heero’s basic-psychology class asked him as the lesson ended. The
two sat side by side during the lesson, and they were on somewhat of friendly
terms. When the young student noticed that Heero was in a rush to leave class,
he ran after him and caught up with him in the hallway.

“It’s something all students must attend.” He informed
Heero. “The Dean would have your HEAD if you’ll skip the lecture.”

Heero snorted and adjusted his hold on his backpack.
“Colony-Terrorism between AC 180 to AC 190? Please, Nathan, save me the
trouble.” He muttered, walking forward without shifting his gaze aside for a
moment.

Students passed them by in a rush, ing ing the opposite
way, towards the auditorium, where the lecture was held.

“I think that pre-war terrorism is pretty interesting. It
should be a cool lecture.” Nathan contradicted with a smile.

“The last thing I want to hear at the moment is about
terrorist attacks on space-embassies and federal buildings. I’ve had enough of
that for a lifetime.” He said bitterly, his gaze harsh and unforgiving as he
continued walking forward.

Nathan sighed. “Fine, suit yourself. I’ll tell the dean
you felt sick or something.”

“Thank you. I appreciate it.” Heero thanked him softly,
and the two parted ways. Nathan made his way back to the auditorium while Heero
strode quickly out of the building and past the yard.

He was in such a hurry to leave, that he failed to notice
another student skipping the lecture. He stalked promptly past a thick tree on
his way out of the university, missing the sight of a swinginaid aid sneaking
into a narrow passageway that led out of the yard, and into the street.

He hurried to catch the bus home and walked straight to
Nora’s place. He keyed himself in and threw his backpack to the floor. He
didn’t take the time to have a drink, freshen up, or eat something. He walked
directly to the bookcase in the living room, back to the mystery, back to
finding some answers.

He used Nora’s absence to try and dig a little into her
past. He had little luck finding anything through the library computer. Her
name didn’t come up anywhere notable. Just a few records of being born and
alive, a recent Earth Sphere Citizen, but that wasn’t unusual because the Earth
Sphere Government was established not so long ago, and all of its citizens were
new. There was no way telling where she might have been before the Earth united
into one nation. He didn’t want to use his skills and hack the City Hall
records, because he promised himself to stop all illegal activities once the
war was over. He decided, back then, that he will start from scratch, and he
will do it in an honest and decent way.

Therefore his search through the bureaucratic world ended
with no results. The most logical thing to do was start at the root of the
problem, the very core of his search- Nora’s apartment. He decided that the
bookcase was a good place to start.

He scanned the books once again, going through all the
political and diplomatic reading material. He pulled out each book, scanned it
quickly and searched between its pages. He found nothing. Just a few ragged
notes, written in someone’s messy handwriting. He assumed it wasn’t Nora’s
writinut hut he could never be sure because he never saw her write anything.

Dejected, he red fod for the last book on the shelf. It
was a thick, dusty and moldy book. It smelled like old paper, its pages turning
yellow with age. Reading the title on the cover, Heero saw that it was just another
book about diplomacy.

“Understanding the people”, the cover said. Heero sighed
and opened the book. The hard cover made a soft scarping noise as he opened it,
suggesting that the book hadn’t been opened in a long, long, while. The first
page was empty of print, but there was a small handwritten dedication:

Never
forget what this is aboutbout, dear.

The
people are the heart and soul of every public server.

Good
luck with your new job.

Love,

Nora.

Heero frowned in confusion. These books didn’t belong to
Nora. They were someone else’s books. But who?

Taking a deep breath, he began leafing through the thick
book. There were whole chapters filled with paragraphs that spoke of peace and
humanity. About righteousness and honesty. About caring for the cause and never
forgetting who you work for. The guide for the perfect politician, if there was
such a thing. This book treated the corruption in the political world like the
disease that it was. It was filled with dreams and visions that never came
true. Heero wondered if anyone ever bothered to read this book besides the one
Nora got it for. Considering all that went on in the political arena during the
last few decades, it was highly unlikely.

Sighing, he turned the book over to look at the back
cover. Something fell out of the book as he turned it over, and landed on the
floor.

Heero lowelowed, a lump forming in his throat. For some
reason, his heart began beating faster. He slowly bowed his head to look down
at the fallen object.

It was a photograph, lying face down at his feet.

His breath quickened as he bent down to pick it up. His
hand was trembling as he held it and brought it up to his face. There was a
certain forbidding feeling in the air. His heart was pounding hard as he slowly
turned the photograph over. There ans answers there, he was sure. He just
wasn’t sure if he was allowed to know them.

na'>The photo lay heavily in his arms for a long time. He just
stood there, staring at it numbly, his gaze unfocused. He felt the pressure
rise in the air around him, making the air too heavy to breathe. The picture
was like dead weight in his hand. He took a faltering breath before focusing
his eyes on the picture. His glazed blue eyes slowly came back to focus and
looked at it.

The photograph was old, its edges eaten up. There were
small yellow stains over it, but still it was very clear. There were three
people photographed there, a man, a woman and a small child. They were standing
in what looked like a big green park, the silver casing of a colony in the
background.

Heero swallowed hard and examined the woman’s face. He was
looking into the face of a very young, maybe twenty-years-old, Nora. She was
wearing a bright blue dress, which reached down to her ankles, and her long
hair was gathered in a thick braid lying over her shoulder. She wasn’t looking
directly into the lemeanmeaning that she was blind. But there was a bright
light in her eyes that he had never seen before. She seemed very happy, as was
the man by her side.

His hand was trembling badly as he turned his eyes to look
at the third person in the picture- a small, maybe three years old, child. He
was standing by his father, holding his large hand with his little palm. There
was a wide, sweet, smile lighting his little features, his dark blue eyes
sparkling with joy and love. He was so tiny compared to his parents, but his
pose suggested that he felt bigger than life at the moment. There was a strong
feeling of love, trust and happiness radiating from that single photo. A small
moment frozen in time that contained so much emotion, so many feelings and so
much told without one word said.

Heero found himself drawn to the picture. He held it with
shaking hands, bringing it closer to his face as if meaning to get sucked into
that picture, into that beautiful moment in time.

He staggered backwards, slowly sitting down on the couch.
He didn’t take his eyes off the picture the whole time. Hiart art was beating
painfully. He wanted to know everything about this picture. Where was it taken?
When? He was holding the reason for Nora’s unhappiness in his hand, and he
wanted to know why. Where did all the happiness in that photo disappear? What
happened?

He had to make Nora speak about it.

Bowing his head, he reached his hand to carefully touch
the picture. He ran his fingers gently over the photograph, caressing each
face. A small smile spread on his lips, as a tiny tingle of warmth touched his
heart. For a moment, he felt like a part of that picture, like a member of the
happy family. For a moment, his heart filled with such warmth, so familiar and
strong, that he could have sworn he had felt it before.

The door suddenly opened and Nora walked in. Heero
flinched, startled, and dropped the picture.

“Heero, are you here?” Nora called as she closed the door,
her voice tired.

font-family:Verdana'>Heero nodded and hurried to bend down and pick the
photograph. “H-hai.” He called back, his hands moving frantically to hide the
photo, though common sense suggested that he didn’t have to.

Nora sighed hud hung her coat by the door. Her movements
were stiff and tired. “Are you studying?” She asked wearily, some numb
callousness evident in her voice.

“Yes.” Heero hurried to say, shoving the photo into the
book. He hurried to slam it shut, flinching at the loud sound it made. His
heart was racing and his cheeks burnt with shame. He felt bad for what he had
done, and he felt even worse for the fact that he could easily hide it from her
because she was blind.

“Is something wrong?” Nora asked, moving slowly towards
the sofa. She wiped a few chunks of her long hair back, moving it out of her
tired eyes. She could hear the different rhythm of his breathing, which she
already knew how to recognize according to his mood. She could tell when he was
sleeping or simply tired, when he was in a lot of physical exertion, eating,
drinking, watching television, concentrating on his studying, angry, happy,
cold, warm... anything at all. She was used tor thr the sound of his breathing,
the very rhythm of his life, in her apartment. The place felt empty and cold
when this sound was absent. Right now she knew that he was nervous or troubled.
His tone of voice supported that assumption.

“Is everything all right?” She asked again, sitting down
by his side. She turned to face him, her features worried. Heero couldn’t help
but notice how pale she was. She looked sick. He didn’t want to cause her any
more trouble.

Sighing, he looked away. “Everything is fine.” He
whispered, trying to sound like he meant it. It was hard to fool Nora. “I’m
just... tired. Too much studying, I guess.”

“I see. Would you like me to make you some coffee?” She
asked, preparing to get up.

Heero shook his head. “No, there’s no need, Nora. Thank
you.” He assured her. He placed a hand on her shoulder, gently pushing her down
to the couch. He got up himself. “I’ll help myself.” He said and walked to the
kitchen. He placed the book on the kitchen table; under a few newspapers he had
read that morning. His heart was still beating faster with guilt. Questions
were swirling wildly in his mind, making him dizzy. His hand trembled as he
made himself a cup of strong coffee, and a cup of tea for Nora. She looked too
ill and too pale for his liking. He was worried.

*  
*   *

He took it onto himself to make dinner that night. Silence
hung heavily in the air as he served the meal to the table and sat down to eat.
Nora seemed to be lost in thought, merely sitting there and staring sadly at
her meal. He tried to coax some words out of her, but she was not in the mood for
talking. Heero understood and remained silent. The atmosphere in the usually
cozy apartment chilled by a couple degrees.

When they were done eating, Nora prepared to clear the
table. Heero’s heart sank when he noticed that her hands trembled when she picked
up her plate. He jumped out of his seat and took the plate from her.

“I’ll do it.” He didn’t wait for her agreement and began
to clear the table. Nora stood there for a while, until she retired to bed with
a long sigh. From his position by the sink, Heero watched her walk stiffly out
of the kitchen and disappear into her bedroom. His heart twitched in pain when
he saw her close the door behind her, shutting him out completely.

He swallowed the tears that were conniving to assault him,
vanquishing them before they could conjure any attack plans. He turnedk tok to
the sink, his hands moving frantically under the warm water, scrubbing the
plates furiously. His blue eyes were numb and moist, flooded with self-loathing
and shame. For all the support and comfort Nora offered him, for all the good
she had done for him, he couldn’t give back even half of it. What a useless
person he was, unable to help the person he cared about the most.

He finished with the dishes, cleacleaned the kitchen, all
the while thinking helplessly of a way to approach Nora with his discovery
about the photograph. With a heavy sigh, he brought his books to the kitchen
and sat down to study. The apartment was dark, except for the light in the
kitchen. When he looked ahead he encountered nothing but the dark void of the
living room and Nora’s closed door. It hurt to see it closed, so he turned
away, back to his books. It was hard for him to concentrate on the text, but he
was not willing to leave the apartment just yet. It wouldn’t be the first time
he would stay the night, and this time it was essential for him to stay. He
didn’t want to leave Nora’s side. He might not be of much help, but the least
he could do was stay. Let her know that he was there if she needed him.

Four hours later found Heero leaning over his book with
his head pillowed in his arms. He was deep asleep, his mouth slightly open as
he breathed. His eyelids were flickering under the effect of a dream, a few
tears lingering to the corner of his eyes. The apartment was silent aside for
his heavy breathing. It was so silent that one could almost hear the tears
sliding slowly down his cheeks. Those tears were for Nora, because even in his
dream he was trying hard to find away to help her. In his dream, he realized,
his heart filled with love. He loved her too much to let her wallow in dark
misery. He wanted to reach out and hug her with all his might, to sooth all of
her pain. Somewhere in his dream, a dreadful feeling overtook him, telling him
that he could never take her pain away. And for that, he also cried.

A silent creaking sound tore through the silence of the
night as Nora’s door slowly opened. Dressed in an ankle-length nightgown and a
robe, her long hair unbound, Nora clutched her robe tightly and slowly made her
way towards the kitchen. At the sound of Heero’s breathing, she stopped in the
doorway, turning her blind gan hin his direction. He was having another
nightmare, she concluded, her heart going out for him.

She sighed quietly and slowly removed her robe. She placed
it gently over his back, covering him. She stood by his chair, listening to the
comforting sound of his breathing. She reached a trembling hand forward, until
her fingers brushed against his hair. She caressed him gently, lovingly,
running her fingers through his soft hair. A small, sad, smile touched her lips
and she sighed again, closing her eyes sadly. Tears leaked down her cheeks, and
her heart felt heavy with anguish.

“Oh Hikari...”

*  
*   *

“So how’s it going with your
studying?” Raul asked as he cleaned the coffee mugs behind the counter. Heero,
who was cleaning the service counter, shrugged.

“All right, I suppose. I have
finales coming up.” He answered quietly. He was in a solemn mood, and not much
willing to make conversation. Though Raul and he had gotten close in the last
few weeks, ever since they discovered that they were in the same literature
class, Heero didn’t feel like speaking with him today. His mind was troubled
with other topics, the main one being Nora. He couldn’t stop thinking about the
woman. About her sadness and the pain that hovered over her like a dark cloud. style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana'>The story told in the old
photograph was eating at her heart. He was afraid of losing her
to despair. He was determined to do everything in his power to keep her from
falling into the same dark pit she had rescued him from not so long ago. She
had managed to chase his pain away, to ease his sadness, and he felt so
ungrateful for being unable to do the same for her. He wanted to be there for
her, he wanted to comfort her, but she didn’t let him get close. She was
beginning to close off again, like she was when they first met.

He knew it had something to
do with the photo he found. He knew that there was a past she was mourning for,
a loss that was far greater than anything he could imagine. He just didn’t know
how to make her speak of it. How to let her know that he was willing to listen,
that he was willing to help. He wasn’t sure hxactxactly, but he wanted to try.
He owed her so much; he wanted to return all the favors she had done for him.

“Really? Me too.” Raul
replied with a smile, cutting Heero’s string of thought. “Professor Ravitz is
giving us all a hard time.”

Heero nodded, and threw his
cloth aside. He made his way to the coffee machine and released the pot. He
began the routine task of cleaning the machine and refreshing the coffee
supply.

“You’re not much in a talking
mood today, are you?” Raul asked more seriously, some concern evident in his
voice.

Heero sighed and reached a
hand into the coffee pot in order to gather all the mud-like coffee powder that
clung to the bottom.

“Is something wrong?” Raul
asked, stepping closer to Heero.

“No.” Heero muttered,
reaching a hand inside the pot. Unfortunately for him, the pot was still very
hot, the muddy coffee burning his fingers. In reflex, he yanked his hand out of
there, jumping back. The dark substance he had gathered in his hand flew back
and landed all over Raul’s shirt.

“Shit.” Heero cursed, waving
his burnt hand in an attempt to cool it. “It was still hot.” He sighed, turning
to face Raul.

The young man’s shirt was
stained with the muddy coffee. “Yeah, and now I’m covered with it.” Raul
muttered bitterly, looking down at his dirty shirt.

Heero smiled in apology. “I’m
sorry, Raul.” He said, his voice small and dejected. “I forgot to check if it
was hot.”

Raul glared at him, though it
was all in good spirits. “And tonk tnk that you used to be a Gundam pilot...”
He snarled, and then winked. He tried to wipe the dark muck of his shirt, making
a disgusted face. “Oh yuck...”

“Here, give me your shirt.”
Heero said, already unbuttoning his own uniforms. “We’ll make a switch while
I’ll go clean it for you.” He offered, taking his pink/blue/white shirt off. He
handed it to Raul.

The young man smiled
thankfully. “Thanks, man.” He said, slipping out of his own shirt. “The last
thing I need is Mr. Malcolm walking in here and seeing me like this. He doesn’t
favor me as much as he favors you...” He muttered, handing Heero the shirt.

“I’ll be right back.” Heero
promised, walking into the kitchen with Raul’s dirty shirt.

The other young man hurried
to put Heero’s shirt on, straighten the nametag that got tangled in the fabric,
and went back to work.

The diner’s door opened and a
costumer walked in. He made his way to the counter and sat on one of the
stools.

“Hey there.” He called,
gaining Raul’s attention.

The young waiter turned to
face him. He smiled when he recognized the young man. It was hard to forget a
young man with hair as long as this one’s. It was that tourist that walked into
the diner about two months ago. He was dressed rather elegantly, with a
fashionable red shirt, a black scarf and a matching sweater on top of it. His
hair was tidier than the last time he’d seen him, probably because there were
no more stormy winds to tousle it so badly. His long braid was resting smoothly
over his back, his bangs brushed aside nicely. And, like last time, there was a
warm smile on his face. Raul couldn’t help but to smile back.

“Hey. What’s up? You’re still
in town?”

The youan’san’s smile grew
when he saw that he was recognized. “Yup. I’ve kinda settled in here.” He
answered with a large smile, looking around the empty diner before turning back
to Raul. “Care to give me some coffee?”

Raul nodded. “Sure. You’ll
have it here or you want it to go?”

“Nah, I’ll have it here.
Throw in a ham sandwich while you’re at it. I’m starved.” He said lightly,
pulling a thick book out of a bag he was carrying. He laid it on the counter
and began reading silently. When Raul returned with his order, he saw that the
young man was busy writing side notes on the book, with a pencil, and there was
a concentrated expression on his face. He didn’tt tot to bother him so he just
placed the plate by his side and returned to finish what Heero had started-
cleaning the coffee machine.

The diner was silent again,
until there was a small snapping sound, like wood breakig. The young costumer
cursed. “Damn it.” He said, sighing. He looked up at Raul. “I don’t suppose you
have a pencil around here?”

Raul turned to see him waving
a broken pencil. “Uh...” He looked down is uis uniforms, and saw that there was
a pencil shoved in the pocket of his - Heero’s – shirt. He handed it to the man
with a smile. “There you go.”

“Thanks.” The other answered
with a smile, taking the pencil.

“So,” Raul began in a
friendly tone. “You’re a student?”

The other nodded, not taking
his eyes off his book. “Yup. Harcourt Brace, home of ex-soldiers with some
brains!” He said jokingly, tapping on his chest with mock-pride.

“Really?” Raul marveled. “I
also go to Harcourt!”

The young man frowned,
looking up at “Is “Is that so? Well, in that case I should finally introduce
myself, right?” He said, reaching a hand over tountounter. “Duo Maxwell.”

Raul smiled and shook his hand.
“Nice to meet you.” He said. He was about to introduce himself as well, when
Duo suddenly continued speaking.

“I’ve never seen you around
Harcourt, uh...” He looked down at Raul’s shirt, reading the nametag. His eyes
suddenly widened. His head jerked up, looking at Raul in shock. “Heero Yuy!?”
He exclaimed, stunned. “Y-your name is Heero Yu

Raul frowned, looking down at
himself. Why did he just call him... Oh! Heero’s shirt! He hurried to turn back
to Duo, smiling in apology.

“No, that’s not my...”

It was at that exact moment
that the kitchen door opened and Heero walked back into the diner. He was
holding Raul’s clean shirt in his h mak making his way towards the young man.

“Sorry about this, Raul.” He
said apologetically, handing the man his shirt as he walked past the counter.
“I cleaned...” His mind suddenly realized something, all systems coming to a
full stop. “...it.” His voice trialed off while his features turned numb. He
slowly turned to face the man by the counter, the shirt hanging loosely in his
limp hand.

Raul watched in confusion as
the two locked gazes, looking stunned into each other’s eyes.

“D-Duo...” Heero stuttered,
his features covered with disbelief.

“Heero.” The other said,
nodding his head in acknowledgment.

Raul was confused. “Uh... you
two know each other?”

*   *   *

Heero fidgeted in his seat,
keeping his gaze on his hands, which rested on his lap. Across of him, at the
other of of the table, sat Duo, also silent. The two were sitting by one of
the more remote tables at the diner, together in a quiet corner. There were two
cups of coffee in front of them, courtesy of Raul who hurried to give them
“some space”, as he explained with a sheepish laughter.

He was both embarrassed and
confused. He didn’t know what to make of this encounter. He had learned to
accept, a long time ago, that the other pilots chose to move on with their
lives and go their separate ways. The only family he could claim to ever have
broke apart. It was only natural, he assumed.

“So,” Duo began, forcing some
cheerfulness into his voice. It sounded strained nonetheless. “This is
shocking, isn’t it?” He commented with a restrained laugh. “I mean, what are
the odds, huh?”

“Yeah.” Heero breathed,
keeping his head bowed.

There was a long silence, at
which Duo took the time to sip his coffee.

Heero inhaled deeply,
shifting uncomfortably in his seat. His head was still bowed. “About two
years...” He mumbled, so confused and embarrassed that he couldn’t bring
himself to speak loudly. “Maybe a little less.”

“No shit.” Duo marveled,
leaning back in his chair. He took another sip, gazing out the window. “I’ve
been around here for like... six months. It’s funny how we never ran into each
other.” He turned back to Heero, his gaze fierce and serious.

Heero finally gathered the
courage to look up at He He took a deep breath and raised his head to meet
Duo’s eyes. He swallowed before speaking. “W-where have you been? Before, I-I
mean.” He asked, his voice shaking. His cheeks were also a little flushed. He
was terribly erassrassed, but he didn’t know why. This was Duo after all. He
knew him inside out. They used to be comrades. Friends. Brothers. Why was it so
hard to speak?

Sighing, Duo leaned back into
his seat, resting one arm on the table. He began tracing the edge of his cup as
he spoke. “I went back to space. Straight after the war. Couldn’t bear to stay
down here a minute longer.” He turned to look at Heero with a bitter smile.
“Too many memories, yanno?”

Heero watched him silently,
unblinkingly, trying to understand. This was Duo in front of him, wasn’t
it? He was not dreaming, right? He was so... real. That hair, the way it
shone under the sunlight. Those unique amethyst eyes, with all the laughter and
the pain. That bitter smile of his and the way he was drinking his coffee. They
were so... Duo. Why did he have to leave?

When he saw that he wasn’t
getting any clear reaction out of Heero, Duo sighed and slumped his shoulders.
He returned to sipping his drink, gazing out the window. “Why did you stay on
Earth, Heero?” He asked, still watching the window. His voice was quiet and
solemn.

Heero sighed, lowering his
gaze. He reached a hesitant hand for his coffee and began stirring it. “I woke
up in a hospital three weeks after the war ended. My physical condition did not
allow me to leave Earth just yet. A shuttle flight would have only damaged my health.
I stayed on Earth until I was fully recovered, and then...” He sighed,
shrugging. “I didn’t have any reason to leave.” He mumbled, looking at the
window as well. “Or to stay. It didn’t really matter.”

Duo chuckled bitterly.
“Sounds reasonable enough.” He said, turning back to face Heero.

Their gazes locked. There was
a certain shine in Duo’s eyes. They seemed to shimmer, the soft gray sunshine
coming from the window casting a certain aura to those amethyst orbs. They
looked remorseful. Apologetic. Heero felt uncomfortable under such gaze. He
didn’t deserve it.

“I’m sorry, Heero.” Duo
whispered, his voice faltering. There was deep and earnest rse rse in his
voice.

Heero frowned, having a hard
time to follow. “What for?” He asked, trying hard to understand. “You’ve done
nothing wrong.”

Again that bitter chuckle.
Duo shook his head slowly, as if amused by something, though his amusement
seemed cynical. He took a deep breath and turned to look at Heero again, his
eyes shining warmly. “You’ll never change, will you?” he said, “Forgiving
everyone but yourself.” He sighed, shaking his head again before locking his
gaze with Heero’s.

“There’s nothing to forgive.”
Heero said carefully, unsure about the purpose behind Duo’s words.

“Heero,” Duo began, leaning
forward and resting both his elbows on the table. He leaned so close that he
was but three inches from Heero’s face. “I let you wake up to an empty room in
that hospital. I just packed my bags and left. That’s not what friends do.” He
brought one hand forward, reaching for Heero’s hand, which was still holding
the teaspoon limply. Heero tensed a little in surprised, and turned a pair of
confused blue eyes at Duo’s direction. His hand was so warm...

“I feel awful about what I’ve
done.” Duo confessed silently, his e ane anguished. “I wasn’t there for you
when you needed me. Just like when--”

“No.” Heero said sharply,
pulling his hand away. “Don’t you dare bring that up.” He hissed, a curtain of
dark pain shadowing his eyes. “There was nothing you could have done for me
back then, and there was nothing you could have done when the war end He He
said, his breathing harsh. His chest was clenching with pain just by the mere
mentioning of that dark, cold, and awful prison. His heart was pounding faster
and he had to stop his hand from trembling.

“I’m sorry.” Duo whispered
again, pulling away from Heero. He settled back into his chair, leaning on it
heavily. Sighing, he bowed his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I’m
sorry...”

They drew apart, distancing
themselves from the other, and sinking into a heavy silence. Heero couldn’t
tear his eyes off Duo’s slumped and defeated form. His heart ached for him. He
felt bad for bursting the way he did. Duo didn’t deserve it.

“Duo,” he began quietly. Duo
looked up, carefully raising his head. Heero somehow managed to offer a small,
nervous, smile.

“I’ve missed you.” He
confessed, his eyes looking brightly at the braided man. “And I don’t hold any
grudges against you.” He added softly.

Duo smiled warmly, his eyes
shining in gratitude. “Thanks, Heero. I missed you too.” He chuckled,
mirthfully this time, looking at Heero with a shining pair of eyes. Heero
couldn’t help but to smile back. The two began talking freely; they had a lot
of catching up to do.

*  spanspan>*   *

That night when Heero returned from work he was ecstatic.
He went straight to Nora’s place and knocked on the door. Without waiting for
an answer, he let himself in - as he usually did – a smile on his face as he
searched for the woman. He couldn’t wait to tell her about his unexpected
reunion.

His smile quickly faded when he entered the kitchen, and
found Nora sitting there, the shabby picture in front of her. She was leaning
back in her chair, her shoulders slumped and her back curled in tired defeat.
Her fingers were touching the photo, her dead blue eyes gazing ahead as if able
to see it.

Heero halted, his body frozen. He swallowed hard, his
heart beating faster. Suddenly, he was afraid of entering the kitchen.

“Where did you find it?” Nora’s solemn, quiet voice spoke
up, carrying waves of sorrow and guilt within it.

Heero inhaled deeply and bowed his head in shame. “I was
cleaning the bookshelf...” He explained quietly, shamefully.

“I see...” Nora mumbled, her voice numb. Heero berated
himself for leaving the book in the kitchen and completely forgetting about it.
He had only caused her more pain.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, coming to stand by her side.
“Nora, I’m sorry.”

A heavy silence fell. Heero closed his eyes sadly, feeling
ashamed.

“I’m sorry...” He whispered again, his heart beating
painfully. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Nora was terribly silent. Her head was bowed as gaz gazed
blindly at the photograph, her long fingers resting on it heavily. There were
tears welling in her eyes, a few fat droplets fallingn oln old picture. She
slowly reached to caress a photograph that was full of long forgotten smiles.

“God, I wish I could see it...” She whispered sadly,
making Heero’s heart sink with pain. He watched her slim fingers caress the
family photo. “I nearly forgot how they looked like...”

Heero nodded slowly in understanding. The images of his
own past were also dim and unclear. He had forgotten them a long time ago. The
memories he possessed were merely shadows of a past long gone.

nev never told me that you lived in the Colonies.” He
finally dared to speak; drawing a chair to seat by her side. He laid a hesitant
hand on her shoulder. “Would you like to speak about it? It’s not much... but I
can listen.”

Nora sighed heavily. “I just wanted to forget...” She
mumbled, her fingers finding the photo of her baby boy, even without the aid of
her eyes. She caressed the photo gently, sadly, her glazed eyes glittering with
tears. was was a long time ago...”

“This is before you went blind?” Heero asked, carefully
moving closer to her. He wanted her so badly to open up and speak about it, the
way she allowed him to do when he needed someone to listen.

Nora let out a small chuckle/whimper, shaking her head.
More tears flooded her eyes and streamed down her cheeks. She didn’t bother to
wipe them away.

“I was a stupid girl,” she began with a quivering voice,
“I was so wrapped in my happiness after I had gotten married, that I insisted
on giving natural birth to my son.” She sighed sadly, closing her eyes. “As you
may know, it was not the safest thing to do back then.”

Heero nodded in understanding. “Many women died of labor
complications.” name="_ednref1" title="">[i]pan>style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana'>

Nora sniffled. “Yeah. I was lucky to stay alive, but the
pregnancy had cost me my eyesight. It began fading gradually as the pregnancy
progressed. By the time my baby was born I could barely see.” She paused,
taking a shaky breath. “I got to have one single look into his eyes before I ame ame completely blind.”

By now she was crying, her voice irregular as she spoke.
She placed a hand over her mouth, squeezing the tears out of her eyes as she
cried: “He had such beautiful blue eyes...”

Heero didn’t know what to do, what to say, so he simply
hugged her.leanleaned closer to her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders.
He pulled her into a small embrace, guiding her head to lean on his shoulder.

“He was such a sweet boy...” Nora mumbled into his neck.
“He was so smart and independent. He had to help me around the house, because I
couldn’t see what I was doing. He was so bright, he learned everything so
fast... I couldn’t teach him, Heero. I couldn’t teach him about colors and
shapes... I didn’t see anything! When he asked me about things I couldn’t
answer. I just couldn’t!” She cried harder, burying her face in Heero’s chest.
p>

Heero held her until she calmed a little bit. He kept
silent, knowing from experience that she needed to let it all out.

Nora sniffled, taking a deep breath before speaking again.
“But he learned... he learned from his father and he learned from the
television... My husband... he spent every spare minute he had with him. I was
still adjusting to my blindness, so Hayashi had to compensate for everything I
couldn’t do for our son... They loved each other so much...”

She suddenly broke in a small chuckle, remembering
something from long ago. “Hayashi, my husband,.. h.. he worked at the L1
embassy. It drove Hikari crazy when his father went to work. He did anything in
his power to try and keis fis father home. He cried and he screamed and he
clung to him desperately, trying to make him stay. But Hayashi... he was very
devoted to his work. He... he had to work late, and it broke my son’s heart.”
She took a moment to breathe, wiping away her tears. Heero continued holding her,
always silent, his eyes tearful as well.

“One day Hikari made it practically impossible for my
husband to leave. He insisted that he should stay home, claiming that he
shouldn’t go to work. ‘It be be bad’, he cried over and over.” A choked sob
escaped her and she had to take a moment to adjust her breathing. “He was
crying hysterically and begging Hayashi not to leave. My husband was late to a
very important meeting that day, he had to leave. Since Hikari didn’t let him
go, he offered to take him to work with him. He promised him a fun day at
daddy’s work. Hikari was ecstatic.” She sighed, her breath faltering. Heero
held her tighter, feeling her whole body tense. He could see how hard it was
for her to speak of this.

Nora smiled sadly and continued talking. “I remember
packing their lunch that day... I was learning how to cook Japanese food for
Hayashi, because his mother passed away and he missed her cooking. I made them
a small Japanese lunch and waved them goodbye as they left.”

She paused, taking a deep breath. Heero felt her tremble
in his arms. He held her tighter and waited silently for her to continue.

“There was a terrorist attack on the embassy that day. It
was blown up in an assassination attempt. There were... there were no
survivo Nor Nora’s sobs grew harsher. She buried her face in his chest, weeping
mournfully. Heero swallowed the lump that formed in his throat, his eyes
stinging with tears.

“He was only three years old...” Nora cried, shaking her
head in denial. “He was such a good little boy! He had his whole life ahead of
him! He was so smart, and sweet, and kind... There was nothing left of him.
Nothing... When they called me to identify the bodies, all I could do was run
my fingers over them. They were so... disfigured... I could barely recognize
them. My baby boytherthere was nothing left to recognize...”

The sobs returned and shook her body. She clung to Heero
desperately, clutching his shirt in her hand as she cried. Two silver trials of
tears slid quietly down Heero’s cheeks, slowly falling onto Nora’s hair. He
took a deep breath, trying hard not to cry as well, and leaned his head on top
of Nora’s. He closed his eyes tight and drew her closer, hugging her so hard
until he was sure it hurt.

Images flashed quickly through his mind. Again that
building, behind the park. Blue dress. Long hair. Soft fingers.

His tears grew bolder, overwhelming him. He let out a
choked whimper and buried his face deep in her hair.

“I’m so sorry, Nora...” He cried, his voice trembling with
pain. “I’m so sorry I made you talk about this... I’m so sorry... about what
happened...” He whispered hoarsely, desperate to make the pain go away. His
eyes were closed tight as he tried to block the ghostly memories that suddenly
flooded him. Pain. Fear. Blackness. War. Loss. A big explosion. “I’m sorry...”

They remained locked in a desperate embrace, holding each
other tight. They refused to let go, afraid that the other might disappear the
moment they will separate. Heero’s shirt was soaked with Nora’s bitter tears,
his own features also damp with the salty liquid. She refused to let go of him
even when her sobs calmed. She held onto him like a frightened child. Her blind
blue eyes were wide open, glazed over with tears. They seemed to be looking far
ahead at nothing. She took comfort from the feeling of Heero’s strong, warm,
arms around her. Closing her eyes, she silently confessed that she loved him so
very much...

After a few moments more, they drew apart. Nora slowly
detached herself from his embrace, sniffling and wiping away the last of her
tears. She turned to face him, her lips trembling. Heero sat still, looking at
her calmly. He didn’t pull away when she reached two trembling hands towards
him. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply when her fingers touched hitractracing his face gently. Her fingers were cool and smooth, hesitant and timid.
She trailed them carefully over his face, feeling his features. She closed her
eyes as well, trying to create an image of him by what her finger sensed.

Heero inhaled shakily, letting her fingers explore his
face. He stiffened a little, a natural instinct when someone was too close, but
forced himself to relax. He felt her trace his nose, his lips, and his jaw. She
moved up to feel his cheeks, brushing over his closed eyes. She ran her fingers
through his messy bangs, tousling them a little before moving down the sides of
his head to his temples, his ears, and down to his chin. He swallowed, his
heart pounding strongly in his chest. Again those images. A green park. A cozy
home. Long hair. Blue dress. A caress.

Nora’s fingers slowly withdrew. He opened his eyes and
looked down at her silently. Her blind eyes were directed at him. She was
smiling sadly.

“You’re very handsome.” She whispered, her voice faltering
from her previous tears. “You’re a wonderful young man, Heero.” She continued,
petting his cheek gently. “You’re everything I wished Hikari could be.” She
admitted silently, her cheeks blushing red. Her smile widened as she realized
that his cheeks were also warm. He was also blushing.

“You’re going to make someone very happy one day.” She
assured him with a smile, tapping on his head lightly. She could sense his
smile and ruffled his hair in return. “The one who’ll win your heart will be so
lucky...”

“Please, Nora, you’re embarrassing
me.” Heero mumbled, some cheerfulness returning to his voice. He took a long
breath before looking up at her. Her pale features still showed traces of
tears, and she seemed about ten years older. His heart filled with compassion
towards her. He felt like he hadn’t done enough for her yet. He wanted to make
her happy.

“I’ll make you some tea.” He
said and hurried to get up.

Nora slumped back against the
chair, tilting her head back and closing her eyes. She listened to the soft
sounhat hat filled the kitchen, accompanied by the warm feeling of Heero’s
presence. Taking a deep breath, she raised the photo to her chest and hugged it
tightly. Leaning her head back, her eyes closed, she took a moment to just. . .
breathe. Her heart felt a million times lighter.

*   *   *

“Are you heading home,
Heero?” Duo asked as the two walked down the halls of Harcourt Brace
University. Walking by his side, a small backpack hanging loosely over his
shoulder, Heero nodded.

“Yes. I finished my classes
for today.” He turned to look at the young man by his side, looking up a little
for Duo had grown a bit taller than him. “How about you?”

Duo sighed tiredly, turning
to look out the large color-glass windows that decorated the hallway. It was
already dark outside.

“I have two more classes to
go, man. Dr. Hendrix has us slaving day and night.” He muttered, waving a small
hello to a couple of students walking by. They waved back at the two of them,
and Heero nodded a small hello as well. They kept walking

“I’m sorry, Heero, but I
guess I’ll have to cancel that dinner again.” Duo apologized with a sigh.

“Don’t worry about it.” Heero
assured him, noting Duo’s bitter tone. “Nora will understand. It’s only the third
time you’ve canceled.” He turned to him with a smirk.

Duo chuckled. “Yeah, yeah, I
know. And you like making me feel guilty about it.” He turned to Heero with a
bright smile.

“It’s because I want you to
meet her. It’s important to me.” Heero explained, turning his head away
sheepishly.

“I know.” Duo said, reaching
his hand for Heero’s. He held his hand gently and gave it a light squeeze. “And
I promise that the minute I’ll have time, I’ll come over.”

Though he felt like sighing,
Heero couldn’t help but smile at the longhaired man. “I understand.” He said,
squeezing back. The two stopped in front of Duo’s biology class.

“Well, this is it.” Duo said
casually, flipping a few bangs out of his eyes. He turned to look at Heero with
a smile. “You’re heading home, right?”

Heero nodded. “Aa. I have
some lessons to catch up with.” He said. “I will see you tomorrow.”

Duo nodded and gave him a
friendly pat on the back. “Don’t abuse the coffee pot too much, man!” He joked,
waving a goodbye as he walked into the classroom.

Heero watched his swinging
braid disappear behind the doorway, his eyes shining. “Baka.” He snorted
softly, and turned to leave.

It’s been two months since he
and Duo ran into each other at the diner. Since then there was only more warmth
in Heero’s world. Not only did Nora’s smile return, but he had also gained another
reason to smile.

The fateful meeting with Duo
brought only more warmth into his heart. He won his best friend back, a link to
his past and a certain hope for his future. The two didn’t separate since the
meeting at the diner. It was the hand of chance that brought them back
together, and they were clever enough to make the most of it. It was one thing
to make friends and socialize with new people, but it was even a greater thing
to have an old friend back into your life. Heero was delighted to have Duo back
in his life. He had forgotten how much he enjoyed the company of the cheerful
and optimistic young man. How much he enjoyed his serious side too, the mature
man behind the joker mask. He had missed having his bright and passionate
spirit in his life. Duo made everything in the world look better. Everything
was easier to bear, just like it was during the war.

He found himself thinking of
Duo often. It was odd because he didn’t give Duo much thought in the past. He
was too busy being depressed or trying to get a certain hold of life, that he
didn’t have the time to stop and think about him. It’s not like he had a
particular reason to be thinking of Duo. At least, he didn’t think he should
have such reason. He was confused, because the more time he spent with Duo, the
more time he spent thinking about him. He found it hard to concentrate on his
studying. His mind tended to wander on his own, daydreaming when he should be
learning.

He replayed events in his
head, old memories from the war and new precious memories from recent times.
All of them had to do with Duo. He recalled all those times Duo and he shared a
dorm room in various boarding schools. How he got mad at Duo for simply being
there and distracting him all the time. Then he recalled how much he missed the
constant chatter and casual contact when Duo was gone. How he had gotten used
to the boy placing a hand on his shoulder, leaning over him or simply sitting
by his side.

During the war Duo filled a
certain void in him. He was able to reach where others could not. He managed to
get the attention of the boy behind the soldier. He did it so simply and
easily, without trying. It was just so easy to get used to him, to be with him.
Even when he didn’t know how to respond to these feelings, to the urge to be
with Duo and hear what he has to say about any trivial thing, he knew that he
wanted to be near him. He felt alive when Duo was around, simply because Duo’s
personality was larger than life itself. He was alive for both of them, and
Heero enjoyed life through what Duo said or did. He was his anchor to life and
the only real friend he ever had.

When the wars ended, that
anchor was cut off and released. They went their separate ways. Heero sunk deep
into the ocean as Duo sailed away into the sunset. Alone underwater, lost in
freezing darkness, Heero slowly forgot of ever feeling the warmth of the sun,
the light that Duo radiated. He learned to slowly climb to surface by himself,
emerging out of the water and gulping for air. Nora was the one who reached her
hand to help and keep him from drowning. She took him onboard her ship, and for
that he was grateful. He loved her for everything she did for him, for letting
him feel the sun again. Trying to move on with his life, Heero slowly forgot
about Duo.

His heart was flooded with
nameless feelings now that Duo was back in his life, like a dry well slowly
filling with water. Every time that Duo laughed, each time he took his hand or
made a silly joke while they should have been studying, Heero’s heart faltered.
It was a different feeling from the one he got during the war. Between
fighting, all he sought was a friend and a shoulder to lean on. Now that he had
that in life, his feelings
towards Duo were taking a different shade. He found himself seeking other things,
beyond friendship. He didn’t know how to define these feelings, he didn’t know
their name or their meaning, but he knew that they made his heart beat faster
each time they flooded him. He felt ten times greater when Duo was near. He
felt bigger from the inside, as though he’s about to burst. The heat inside him
was sometimes unbearable. He wished he knew what to do about it, because
sometimes it didn’t even let him sleep at night.

Duo occupied his every thought, his every heartbeat.

Sometimes, lying awake in his bed in the middle of the
night, Heero smiled at a small and silly thought. Sometimes he smiled because
he thought he was in love with Duo. It was a stupidstyle='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;mso-bidi-font-family:Verdana'>
thing to presume. He could never be sure if it was love that he was feeling,
but the thought made him smile nonetheless. Instead of dreaming about blood and
death, instead of having psychotic visions of being stalked or tortured and
raped, he would fantasize of what it could be like... what would life be like
if he was with Duo. When he did fall asleep, it would be peacefully and with
ease. A smile graced his face more often.

After a few weeks of being
reunited with his best friend, Heero began to notice another strange feeling.
There was tension in the air. Sizzling and intense like electricity. At first
he thought he was imagining it, but the feeling proved to be more real than
anything he could have imagined. There was a certain tension between them, in
every look, in every “accidental” or casual contact between them. Something was
going on, something cooking in the air around them, and he had no idea what.
There were long stares, hidden glances and a small brush of a hand over his
skin even when it was unneeded. He found himself moving his chair closer to
Duo’s when they sat together in theraryrary. He would get edgy and even cranky
if they were unable
to meet for some reason. He missed Duo when they separated. He could also see
the relief on Duo’s face when they finally did meet, like he had been yearning
for it too.

He once spoke of these feelings with Nora, asking her for
advice. They were sitting in her apartment with their regular afternoon tea,
and Heero blushed as he spoke of these feelings. He felt embarrassed talking
about them, but he needed to hear what she had to say about it. Much to his
disappointment, Nora just smiled knowingly and sipped her tea. She promised him
that all will be fine in time, and just kept smiling. He knew that she wasn’t
mocking him, but it drove him crazy because he knew that there was something
that she wasn’t telling him. That day he found it particularly hard to
concentrate on his assignments.

He had been facing this difficulty all week long, being
unable to focus on his studying, so he decided to take a break from the world
and find sanctuary in the library. He called Nora and told her that he will not
be coming over for dinner that night. Duo was still in class, as he would be
until later that evening, so Heero determined that it was a good opportunity to
get some work done. He couldn’t afford any more nightly excursions to some
movie or pub. He had finales coming up!

It was half past nine PM and the library was rather empty.
Harcourt Brace Library was a grand and luxurious hall. Its tall dome-shaped
ceiling stood high and proud above the structure, overlooking the maze of
shelves. Tall shelves were attached to every wall, packed with a colorful
display of books. Between every few shelves there was a small spiral staircase
or a ladder. Inside the large structure was a forest of bookshelves. They
towered over the red carpet that covered the whole floor, arranged in tidy rows
and columns. The selection of books was unheard of, there were so many books
that one could spend a lifetime inside the library and still not have read them
all. Between every section of bookshelves was a quiet corner for the students
to sit down and study. Heavy wooden tables and comfortable chairs were
stationed for the students. The polished wood shone under the warm orange light
the illuminated the library. The atmosphere was warm and cozy, comfortable to
sit down and read. A heavy silence ruled the library, but it was a pleasant and
calming kind of silence. The kind that allowed you to relax and learn.

Heero was sitting quietly by one of the bulky wooden
tables, about three open books in front of him and two more thick books sitting
in a pile on the table. He had his yellow notepad in front of him, three
pencils, an eraser and a sharpener. He was sitting by the Social Sciences
section, buried in his psychology assignments. Each polished table had a small
desk-lamp on it, providing a soft orange light for the reader. The warm ginger
light washed over Heero’s features, creating soft shadows on his concentrated
face. His blue eyes were focused on the text he was reading, his lips a thin
line as he tried to absorb what he was reading.

His mind insisted to keep wandering all the time,
reminding him of the good time Duo and he had at the local theme park that
weekend. Each time he recalled the roller-coaster ride, the way Duo’s hair
flapped wildly in the wind as the coaster cut through the air, he had to shake
his head and re-read the paragraph. It was taking him too much time to read a
single chapter. As if to tease him, his mind reminded him of how they both got
soaking wet in the water-slide ride, and Duo’s white shirt suddenly became
transparent and extremely tight around his torso. He had such a taut, muscular
torso...

Heero snorted and rolled his eyes. He was hopeless, God
damn him. He was shameless AND hopeless! He couldn’t make it through one page
without thinking about Duo. He will never pass the finales if he’ll keep this
up.

Taking a deep breath, Heero cleared his mind and turned
the page. A new chapter, a fresh start. He was going to read this one without a
SINGLE distracting thought, or his name isn’t Heero Yuy!

With that determination Heero stretched in his chair,
leaned back towards the book and began reading:

“Chapter 10: Basic Drives and
Motives. Part 4- SEX.”

Heero groaned and rolled his eyes. Just his rotten luck.
And he thought that the previous part- HUNGER – was bad enough...

Sighing, he started reading.

“Sex, another powerful
motivator, differs in many respects from hunger.” [ii]

You can say that again, Heero thought sarcastically.

“Unlike food, sex is not vital
to the survival of the organism, but it is essential to the survival of the
species...”

Maybe it was the topic, or maybe his sense of
determination, but soon enough Heero was absorbed in the book. He read it
without any diversions, reading swiftly through “Biological basis of sexual
behavior” to “The role of experience”, “Sexual fantasies” and “Sexual
development”, until he made a full stop at the next section- “Homosexuality”.

There he halted, taking a
moment to breathe. He drew away from the book, as if distancing himself from
the inconvenience would somehow help. It didn’t. He found himself staring at
the title, feeling guilty of even being alive.

“Heya, partner.” A soft voice
came to his ears, breaking the murky glass that suddenly surrounded his mind. Heero blinked and
looked up. He smiled when he saw Duo standing by his chair, chewing gum. He was
wearing a dark blue sweater with a white turtleneck shirt, and a raggedckpackpack over his shoulder. A few of his bangs were curling at the side of his
face, imitating each movement of his head. He smiled warmly at Heero, resting
his hand on the back of Heero’s chair.

“Surprise.” He said with a wink, still chewing his gum.
His eyes quickly ran up and down Heero’s figure, and a warm smile spread on his
features as he noted thest tst two buttons of Heero’s white shirt were open,
revealing a hint of his well-toned chest. He brought his gaze back to meet
Heero’s eyes, his gaze making another small detour to survey how the light
reflected off Heero’s messy chocolate bangs.

“What are you doing here?” Heero asked, following Duo with
his gaze as boy boy took a seat across of him, at the other side of the table.
He threw his backpack to the floor and shrugged.

“My last class got canceled. Dr. Hendrix is sick or
something.” He replied casually, bending down to draw some books out of his
bag.

going home.” Heero asked with a frown.

Placing his books on the table, Duo turned to face him
with a knowing smile. “I took a gamble.”

Heero smiled in return,
feeling a little better than he had a moment ago. If Duo was here, he didn’t
have to feel so bad about the damn book. He didn’t know why he felt so guilty
in the first place. He took a few moments to watch Duo as he arranged his books
and his notebook, taking the time to appreciate the way the dim orange light
touched Duo’s hair. The lush chestnut strings shone under the light as Duo
casually ran a hand through his bangs, pushing them backward. He was already
leaning over a thick book, absorbed in reading it. There was a focused and
serious expression on his face. He was chewing his gum slower, concentrating on
every word.

Heero smiled affectionately
and returned to his own book. There was a pleasant silence between them as both
young men ied.ied.

“Until recently, homosexuality
was considered a “mental illness” or an abnormal perversion. Although many
people still view homosexuality as un-natural, most psychologists and
psychiatrists consider it to be a variant rather than a perversion of sexual
expression and not, in itself, an indication or cause of mental illness.”style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;mso-bidi-font-family:Verdana'>

Sighing, Heero slowly looked
up from the page, letting his eyes wander from written words to the sight of
Duo leaning over his book and studying. His eyes lingered to the sight of Duo’s
slightly parted lips, which moved silently as he read. He smiled lovingly as he
turned to look at Duo’s nose. He didn’t know why he was smiling, he just did.
Duo noticed none of that, being so engrossed in his book. Inhaling deeply, he forced
himself to return to his own textbook.

“Much remains to be learned
about the causes of homosexuality. No reliable physical differences have been
found that distinguish homosexuals from heterosexuals. Although some male
homosexuals may be quite feminine.” Heero frowned. “And some female
homosexuals may be quite masculine in appearance, this is often not the case.
There is some indication that male homosexuals have lower levels of the hormone
testosterone than heterosexual males, but there is no evidence that this is the
cause for homosexuality. When male homosexuals are given additional hormones,
their sex drive increases (also true for heterosexual men) but their sexual
preferences do not change.”

Heero snickered. Then all
they got from THAT study is a bunch of horny guys ready to fuck like there’s no
tomorrow...

“Is something funny?” Duo
asked, raising his head up in question.

Heero hurried to swallow a
smile. He shook his head. “No. Just a typo.”

Duo frowned. “Really? You
should change the book... I wouldn’t trust a textbook with typos...” He smiled
and returned to his book.

Heero took another moment to
just stare at Duo’s hands, those strong-looking, callous yet so gentle hands,
before lowering his gaze to the text.

“Storms (1981) has proposed
that erotic orientation results from an interaction during early adolescence
between sex-drive development and social development. According to this theory,
an unusually early onset of the sex drive contributes to homosexuality, because
the individual’s environment at the time is primarily homosocial (meaning males
socialize with males and females with females). Storms’ theory proposes that
sexual preferences in adulthood depend on the social environment that is
present when the individual’s sex drive comes into full force during
adolescence. If the environment is primarily homosocial, the adult’s sex pre preference will tend to be homosexual; if heterosexual, the adult’s sexual
preference will tend to be heterosexual.”

His breathing faltered for a
second, and he had to stop reading. He closed his eyes slowly, trying to block
a few dark memories from entering his mind. All of his sexual experiences until
now, and especially when he was growing up, were homosexual. But they were not
done by choice, they were forced upon him. And true, he did walk in a
homosocial environment for most of his life, but did that really mean that he
was a homosexual? Could that be a reason or an explanation for his feelings? Is
that why he was looking at Duo the way he just diecauecause he had been raped
and forced to spend his life among other males? If that is the case, then his
feelings for Duo were impure and unworthy as everything else in his life. They
were born in a dark and shameful place, and thus they were not meant to be.

Saddened by the thought,
Hes hes heart began beating painfully. Maybe all he was feeling right now was
just another psychological complex, another scar the war and training had
carved upon him. He didn’t want it to be true!

Dejected, he kept reading.

“Results from a major study on
homosexuality indicates that a strong continuity between a person’s childhood
and adolescent sexual feelings and his or her adult sexual preference. Contrary
to the popular notion that parents are somehow responsible for their children’s
homosexuality, the study reveals that parental influence was not a major factor
in determining sexual preference. Sexual preference appears to depend on a
complex pattern of feelings and reactions within the child that are not yet
understood and cannot be traced to a single social or psychological cause.”style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;mso-bidi-font-family:Verdana'>

Heero sighed, feeling
confused. So basically what the book said was- that it doesn’t matter. Why was
he listening to this stupid book?! Who cares for the cause, it’s the outcome that
counts. And the outcome, in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships, is
two people that love each other. What’s so wrong with that?

He looked up at the beautiful
man sitting in front of him, washed by a warm light, looking more beautiful
than any woman he had ever seen. Suddenly, he understood why Nora was smiling
at him in that knowing way. It really didn’t matter, did it? He saw no point in
continuing to read this book. Textbooks will tell him nothing about how or why
he feels. They might give him a certain direction, throw him a bone or
something, but they didn’t really know for sure. No one did. And it didn’t
matter. Why try to understand when you could feel?

Satisfied with his
conclusion, Heero slammed the book shut. When Duo looked up in surprise, Heero
smiled at him.

“I’ll be right back.” He
promised, getting up. He took the book with him and headed towards one of the
bookshelves.

Duo watched him until he
disappeared between one of the aisles. His amused amethyst eyes were glued to
Heero’s jeans clottoottom the whole time, watching him as he walked. He shook
his head at his own hopelessness and returned to the book. A minute later he
slammed his own book shut and got up. He hurried to walk after Heero.

He found the Japanese boy in
the aisle categorized under “Psychology”. He was standing on a small and wobbly
three-steps-ladder, trying to reach one of the books on the high shelves. Duo
couldn’t help but smile affectionately at the sight. Heero resembled a small
child trying to reach the chocolate candy boxes at the top shelf in the
supermarket. There were only five inches between his seeking hand and the book,
but the short distance was enough to prevent him from reaching the book. He
found the sight adorable when Heero carefully tried to stand on his tiptoes and
reach higher. The ladder began swaying beneath Heero’s feet, stirring worry in
Duo’s heart.

“Here, let me help ya out.”
He said, gaining Heero’s attention. The other boy immediately gasped and
whirled around. His cheeks colored in red and a sheepish smile graced his lips.

“Thanks.” He said quietly and
carefully stepped down.

“No problem.” Duo assured
him, brushing past him, shoulder to shoulder, as he walked to the ladder.

Heero watched him as he
climbed up, and he had to smirk when he realized that Duo, who was indeed
taller than him by a few inches, still had to stand on his tiptoes in order to
reach the book cro crossed his arms over his chest and watched him, enjoying
the sight of his long braid swinging back and forth as Duo wiggled on the
ladder. 

“Damn, it’s higher than I
thought.” Duo muttered, and then jumped up a little in order to snatch the
book. He caught it quickly between his fingers, just before his descend. The
ladder shook and waddled wildly when Duo landed on it. Heero’s eyes widened in
concern.

“Duo- look out!” He called
when the ladder finally tipped over. He wasted no time and launched towards
Duo, trying to catch him.

font-family:Verdana;mso-bidi-font-family:Verdana'>They ended up crashing on the
red carpet, Duo on top of Heero, pinning him down to the floor. Duo’s legs were
straddled over Heero’s legs. He placed two arms at each of Heero’s side, and
pushed himself up a bit so he could look down at Heero’s face. They were both
ing ing and a bit disoriented. Their faces were an inch apart, both their lips
parted as they breathed heavily. Duo could feel Heero’s chest press against
his, the boy’s arms trapped somewhere under his torso. He swallowed, looking
deeply into Heero’s eyes.

“Are you okay?” He asked,
panting.

Heero nodded slowly, still in
shock. He couldn’t tear his eyes off Duo’s lips, the way they were carved like
some grand statue. Duo’s hair was a bit tousled by their fall, long chestnut
bangs hiding his face, moving up and down as Duo panted. Heero smiled warmly,
his body filling with familiar warmth. He locked his gaze with Duo’s, his
cobalt eyes looking deeplyo tho the amethyst pearls above him. He could feel
Duo’s hot breath caress his lips. His cheeks reddened in a rosy shade. He
slowly licked his dry lips, tracing his tongue slowly over his bottom lip. Duo
swallowed hard, his wide eyes watching Heero with great hesitation.

The tension was in the air
again. It was thicker heavheavier than before. Something in the air demanded
that certain actions must be taken. Every sensation was enhanced by tenfold. The
air sizzled and crackled like electricity. The sound of their heavy breathing
overcame everything else. The feeling of their heartbeats, strong and wild, was
nearly overwhelming.

Heero could tell that Duo was
feeling the same tension he felt; he could feel it in Duo’s whole body. He
could also see the uncertainty in Duo’s eyes. His fear reflected somewhere
within the darker shades of his pupils. That dark OZ prison cell reflect inside
the shadowy center of Duo’s eyes. Duo remembered, and so did he. But unlike
Duo, he wasn’t going to let it stop him.

With a smile that spread
gracefully on his lips, Heero pushed himself up and pressed his lips to Duo’s.
He swallowed the surprised gasp that escaped Duo’s lips and sealed the sweet
mouth with his own. His eyes were still open, looking straight into Duo’s eyes.
It was the closest he’s ever been to the purple jewels, and only now he could
appreciate them for their true beauty.

Duo’s eyelashes slowly
fluttered, until he closed his eyes. This was all the approval Heero needed,
and he closed his eyes as well. The kiss deepened as Duo pressed closer to
Heero, taking charge of the kiss. He leaned heavily onto Heero, his arms moving
up to bury his fingers in Heero’s thick hair. His tongue sneaked out to lick
Heero’s bottom lip. He nibbled at the lush lip for a moment before Heero opened
his mouth and let him in. He dipped his tongue into the warm and moist mouth,
his breath quickening in anticipation. Beneath him, Heero wiggled his hands
from underneath Duo’s body and brought them up. He embraced Duo tightly,
letting him explore his mouth and lick every nook and cranny. His own tongue,
shy and hesitant, joined the dance, and their kiss only intensified.

When they parted for air,
they were both panting hard and blushing. Duo’s cheeks were a bright red and so
were Heero’s. He smiled down at the blue-eyed boy, and leaned down to kiss his
nose.

“How did you know I’d kiss
you back?” He asked softly, looking at Heero with kind and loving eyes.

Heero smiled, his blue eyes
shining. “I took a gamble.” He said, before Duo dove down for another kiss. The
two rolled over on the red carpet, kissing passionately. Drowning in the
intensity of the kiss, Heero decided that there was only one reason for
homosexuality, and that was love.

href="blue_eyes4.html">Part 4

href="http://www.duoxheero.com/blue.html">Backclass=MsoHyperlink>

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