Half Empty

It was five months before she felt comfortable enough to try it. She was a mix of emotion the whole day, knowing what his intentions were that evening. They spent the entire day together, talking and laughing, remembering stupid things they’d both said and done in the past…He talked about becoming Fuhrer at least a dozen times which was oddly comforting to her. It seemed to remind her that there were other things going on in the world besides what was happening around her, which was easy to forget.

After a fancy dinner out, he asked her if she wanted to go back to her place but she immediately turned the suggestion around. She didn’t want to be in the same bed where her nightmares came.

He just shrugged and agreed to take her back to his apartment.

Once in his bedroom, he offered her a drink, which she refused, her nerves beginning to show. He pulled her into an embrace and whispered to her, “You OK with this?”

She nodded and pulled his lips down to hers. A hundred times had she wanted this, even before the night they’d shared a drink and he’d told her how he felt. Several times over the past five months they’d even gotten close, to the point that they’d both stripped down to their undergarments before the nightmare came back to her. But she had decided the last time that she had to go through with it or she would never be alright again. She had to trust him with everything.

He pressed her body closer to his, wanting to take in every curve, every inch of her skin. Somewhere between passionate kisses, he pulled her to the bed and pressed her gently against the unfamiliar sheets and blankets that held his scent. The mattress was softer than the one she was used to and the pillows were of a slightly more expensive fabric. She was glad for the softness against her back because it was so different from the concrete floor. No! She told herself. Don’t think of that. Don’t… His lips left hers and trailed along her jaw against her ear and eventually to her neck. She felt his lips move and form her name though there was hardly an audible sound. He moved his lips away for a moment to pull her shirt over her head as she simultaneously pulled his shirt off.

It was terrible, the way he was enjoying the touch and taste of her skin and how she somehow hated it. But she wanted him to do it…no. Needed him to. The way his hands moved so delicately over her back as he removed her bra…the way his quickening breaths fell against her skin and the way he unintentionally licked his lips…she needed all of that but was afraid again. They had to go faster or she would loose her nerve. She unbuttoned and unzipped his pants with shaky hands as he tossed her bra aside and moved his lips to her breasts. The foreign warmth and wetness of his mouth moving over this sensitive area froze her and made her shiver with anticipation. For a moment, she was completely taken in by him and nothing else seemed to matter. But it was only a moment. The second he moved to remove the rest of the clothing that separated them, the scene came rushing back. She wanted to scream, tell him to stop but she couldn’t. She still felt like she needed him, too. He paused for a moment, above her, stroking her cheek gently. As she came back to the here and now she realized that he was whispering to her, telling her it was all right and that it was over. He told her over and over again that he loved her and it was over…But it wasn’t and she knew it wouldn’t be until she could give herself to him. “We can stop now, if this is too much.” He told her, moving his fingers along her hairline.

“No…” she said and swallowed her fear. “I want this, Roy.” He sighed, relieved and continued to remove the rest of the clothing between them. He suddenly felt reluctant, and wondered if she was really alright with this. But he wanted her so bad…God did he want her…He leaned over and kissed her passionately, letting his tongue slide over hers and decided he couldn’t wait any longer. Gently, he moved her legs apart and looked back up at her as if searching for the answer to an unasked question. She reached out to direct him into her with a nervous hand but he couldn’t wait for the assistance and plunged into her in a single swift movement. She felt so perfect around him, as if they were made for each other. He moaned softly into her breasts as she tightened her legs around him and began thrusting into her.

The feeling of his body against hers should have been heaven, something beautiful and enjoyable. But it only made her feel dirty and unworthy. She felt like crying but she couldn’t…she was supposed to be a strong woman and at least put on a good act for him. She closed her eyes tight and tried to concentrate on him and forget everything else. She grabbed hold of the hair on the back of his head and held tight, repeating his name and trying to enjoy some element of it.

He suddenly sped up his thrusting movements and shifted inside of her, testing out a new angle. Something changed and everything felt right…She opened her mouth but couldn’t think of anything comprehensible to say. All that she could manage was the now familiar sound of his name loud and quick…over and over again. She seemed to lose control of herself and threw her head back, breathing frantically wanting the moment never to end… “Don’t stop,” she begged him, not really realizing she was saying it aloud.

“Riza…” it was almost a plea for something neither of them could name. He didn’t want to stop…not after he had waited so long for that night but the bliss could only last so long. A few moments later he collapsed next to her, breathing hard.

After his breathing returned to semi-normal, he looked over at her and realized that she was crying. “Riza? Why are you crying?”

“I don’t know…” she lied and buried her face in the muscles of his chest.

She cried until she fell asleep and Mustang could say nothing to her. What should he say? All he could do was hold her and try to understand.