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Tourniquet	By : DementedGosip Category: Gundam Wing/AC > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 975 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing/AC, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 2
- 3
- 4
~*~Tourniquet~*~

(1)I don’t know how I’m going to
do this. Even if I go down there alone
to get my laundry, he’ll still see me bring it up. Well, I suppose I
could
shove the sheet into the bottom and cover it with all the towels, but
that’s
assuming the towels look fine. Grrrrrr! Oh wait, Duo’s asking me
another
question….

“So where do you want to go out to
eat, Heero?” We’d finished his homework,
along with mine almost 20 minuets ago. We’d just been watching TV, and
I was completely zoned out, which is why I almost missed Duo’s
question.

“Eh? Where ever.”

“So then it’s my choice, eh?
How about Zanzibar!(2)” Duo
started laughing at his own joke, but I don’t know why it was
funny....
What is Zanzibar? “Nah, I’m just jokin’ Hee-chan. There’s
this
really nice cafe down by the library, if ya wanna go there?”

“That’s fine Duo,. I’m sure
it’ll be fun.” Fun?!!
What the hell did I mean by fun? When have I ever had fun?

"Okay then, what are we waiting
for? Let's go." Have I really
gotten this lucky? Has he forgotten my laundry? I shouldn't
get my hopes up. We'll probably get down to the lobby and he'll
remember.
Well, I suppose this is what I've been waiting for. I feel like I
could be sick any moment, and yet it's so nice to be sitting here with
him.

Isn't that odd? How you can
want something so much, but then when
you have it, you go back to wanting to want it from afar? I feel
like any moment I'm gonna say something really stupid, Duo doesn't need
to listen to me babble. I'd bore him and then I'd have absolutely
no hope of something like this ever happening again.

Duo is the kind of person everyone
wants to be. He's a pretty
happy guy, but when he's sad, he's not afraid to talk to someone.
He's not afraid to tell you to your face what others would say behind
your
back. And here I am, Mr. Paranoid, doesn't talk out of fear of
embarrassment.

"Earth to Heero? Heero,
you've just been sitting there watching
TV for 5 minuets. Do you not want to go out to dinner or
something?
You don't have to ignore me, you could just say so ya know." Oh
god!
He thinks I don't like him! He thinks I don't want to go to
dinner
with him! What the fuck was I thinking?!! What am I
supposed
to say? Shit, I don't want him to think I don't like him, no
Duo!
I need to keep this at least a good friendship, even if it's nothing
more.

"Have you ever seen this show
before Duo? It's interesting, that's
all, we should head out soon." Wait, what's on? I've never
seen this... What the hell is it? What if he knows what it
is and asks me a question? Why the hell is that little green guy
ranting about like Wufei? (3)

"Well okay, then, let's go!
Oh, and this show is fun, but it's
funnier at 5am when you haven't gone to be yet!" Duo winked as he
stood up, bringing me with him by my upper arm.. I really don't
mind,
surprisingly enough. I like it when he drags me around most of
the
time. I really hope this doesn't take a turn for the worse
tonight.

I need this to work. I don't
know why, I just do. I feel
this awful dull pain in my stomach, every time I think of what might
happen
if I messed this up. But I shouldn't think about that,
right?
If you only think about negative things that haven't came to pass
you'll
just get more negative things, right?

But what bad things could I do
that would really screw this up on a
short walk to a cafe? And dinner really shouldn't last more than
45 minuets at the most, right? Then Duo and I would probably
split
up at the end of dinner, return to our respective homes.
ouch.
My eyes hurt, when did we leave the lobby? More importantly, when
did we leave my apartment and when did I get my shoes on? I must
be some kind of crazy, to keep zoning out so powerfully like
this.
It wasn't always like this. I could lose myself in my thoughts
easily
before, but never so much that my body just went on auto pilot . . .
What
if I end up doing this to a point where I can't stop? It's not as
though I really know I'm doing it when it happens. Would Duo and
the others put me away in an asylum or something? Would I spend
the
rest of my life in a padded white room lost in thought and not knowing
what the hell was going on around me?

That's kind of a scary
thought. But I think I missed something,
I must have been doing it just then. Duo was giving me a strange
look, he must have asked me something.

"Heero, are you sure you're not
sick? Or are you ignoring me on
purpose?" Hm. Maybe I am sick. But not in the same
way
you're thinking. Or maybe not. Maybe you do think the
perfect
solider is crazy after all these years of war. Am I crazy?
Do I need help? No. I'm fine, maybe not exactly normal, but
who would be normal, after living first hand through a war. I'm
fine.
Fine. You're fine Heero.

"I guess I'm just a bit tired
still. I wasn't trying to ignore
you Duo, I would never do that." Fuck. Why the hell did I
just
say that?! What the hell is he gonna think now? Shit.
shitshitshit
SHIT!

"Aww, that's so sweet
Hee-chan" Surprised would be light.
Of course I couldn't let this show, but damn. He was happy?
Why? Shouldn't he be freaked out? Or want to get this
evening
done and over with as soon as possible? Does he actually want to
have my company? My opinions? How odd... /boku wa hen
da./ (4)

"And here we are Heero! It
really is a nice cafe, you can get
almost anything here!" I love the way Duo looks when he
smiles.
Well, I love the way he looks when he smiles at me. I get jealous
and angry when he smiles at someone else. That makes me feel bad,
for some reason, that I would be so possessive over another human
being.
But I don't think I can help it. Shit, that makes me want to
cut.
Just thinking about feeling that way just because he smiled at someone
else, god forbid! Fuck, i want to just fucking take a knife or
something
sharp right fucking now and draw blood, my blood, out of my fucking
body.
I don't care where, I just need to see my blood.

"Ok, let's go Duo." I tried
to give him the best smile I could
manage with this urge I had not intended upon. I'm not sure it
really
even registered in my brain right.... But Duo seemed to smile
even
more now, and wrapped his hand up in mine. I tried to get my
thumb
on the outside, that's the more uncomfortable way, isn't it? But
Duo seemed to want to push his hand in that position more. Maybe
that was more comfortable for him? After all when you entwine
your
fingers, one thumb is on the outside, and it's comfortable, so it's
only
logical, right?

"It's not quite rush hour yet, so
we shouldn't have to wait long."
Duo and I entered through the glass door, a bell ringing out as we
did.
It was nice in here. A warm cream colored paint adorned the
walls,
and paintings hung on the walls. They were mainly flowers and
cottages
and the like. It was very feminine in here, but it was nice,
comfy
almost. A young woman, probably just out of high school, came out
of what I suppose was the kitchen and asked us if it would just be the
two of us tonight.

"Yeah, and no smoking," Damn
it. Heero, there is no fucking
reason you should feel this way just because he's smiling at her!
"And could we get a nice window seat?"

"Of course. Right this
way." Well, like I said, Duo is most
definitely a people person. Well, I suppose I didn't actually say
that, but I was implying it earlier, right?

It really was a nice restaurant,
but there's no way in hell I could
relax. The people next to us could be waiting for the perfect
opportunity
to turn around and blow my head off. Or maybe abduct me for some
cult or something. I’m being paranoid, aren't I? Well,
let's
think about nicer things, like Duo. I still can't believe he
wants
to do this. Relena or Quatre or someone must be paying him or
something,
he can't actually want to spend all afternoon with me. It's just
not right, why would anyone want to spend so much of their time on
me?
It's a waste. I'm a waste. When i get home I should just
end
it all. Take out my gun and fucking put a bullet through my
skull.
I'll spare everyone the trouble of having to look at me, being
obligated
to say good morning to a freak like me. Duo will finally be happy
and not have some lost dog watching and hoping. Hell, I'll bet
they'd
even fucking laugh at the funeral. Well, that is if they cared
enough
to do that. Probably not.

"What are you thinking?" I must
have gotten lost again, I jumped slightly
when Duo spoke. I think he noticed too because he started
giggling.
I realized we both already had drinks, and I must have been staring
blankly
at my menu for who knows how long.

"... Nothing ..." What a
blatant lie. I can't even pull
up the strength to make it sound the slightest bit believable, it just
sounded tired really. I can't do anything right, can I? I
mean,
besides fighting, killing, we have peace now. Well, Peace just
asks
for wars, but right now, that's what we have. And I wasn't even
perfect
in creating this, I messed up so many times. Shit, the war would
probably have ended sooner, less innocents would have died, if I hadn't
fallen into Trieze trick so early on. I wish one of them had
killed
me. Or even Zechs, or Quatre. Why am I still alive?
After
all the times I looked Death in the face, jumped with open arms, why am
I still here?

"Are you ready to order?" I
looked up again, it was the same woman
who had seated us. Looking down at the menu quickly I said the
first
thing my eyes locked on. "I'll have a bowl of today's soup."

"Anything to go with that? A
salad?" No!! Why did
she ask me that? It was hard enough telling her that's what I
wanted
to eat. What's the days soup anyway? Oh god, I think I
might
be sick, or maybe I'm just blushing, oh my god, I feel like I could
start
hyperventilating.

"No, no thank you, just the
soup." /See now, that wasn't so hard
was it?/ Yes, that was one of the fucking hardest things I've
ever
had to do! Well, that's not true, but damn it, I don't like doing
this.

"And you, sir?" Her smile is
so plastic. It's sickening
almost. She can smile like a good innocent waitress, but her
eyes,
I want rip them out. Can she just stop looking at Duo's crotch
for
a second?! Bitch, you had better learn to sleep with one eye
open.

"So Heero, do you even know what
you ordered?"

"Soup."

He's laughing. Is he
laughing at me, or was it something I said,
or did? "Well yeah, but I mean, you were in lala land over there
and then you just said the first thing you saw didn't you? Do you
know what the soup of the day is?"

Did I order something nasty?
Is he taunting me? What is
all this about? Look around Heero, there has to be a board or
something
that has the specials on it. Well yes, look at that, there it
is.
Near the door where you first walk in, facing away from me. Duo
started
to laugh harder now, probably because I made an annoyed sound in the
back
of my throaght(5) from my discovery. I've no idea if I made a
face.
"And do you?"

"Wha?.... the soup?"
It took a few moments for Duo to get
his breathing back under control. He looked cute, all flushed
like
that. "Yeah, it's French Onion. It's just your face!
Just now, and then with the waitress, I thought you were gonna get up
and
throttle her right here! Oh god!" Duo saw that? Was
it
really that obvious? Why is he laughing again? What's funny
about all this? No one's ever laughed at me before. /maybe
that's because you always seem to have a gun in your hand./ Shut
up! Duo is not scarred of me!

"Anou.... Heero? Why did you
just growl? I wasn't laughing
at you you know. Just what you did." How is that any
different?
Wait. I growled? Well, he doesn't look scared, just
confused.
But then again, why would he be scared? He was a gundam pilot too
after all. Although I'm not sure he could beat me in a battle,
although
he did defeat those two dolls fairly easily.

"Sorry." Why do I keep apologizing
today? I'm not sorry for anything,
just a bit upset at my lack of self-control. Or maybe I am sorry,
but because we say sorry so much, and the word looses meaning, the act
looses meaning. Morals are destroyed somehow, so it's only
logical,
right?

"So Heero, Relena say's you're
just devastated she's not after you anymore.
I must say, you never looked too pleased to see her before, did you
know
she thinks that? All those pity-points going straight to
you."
Is he trying to be funny? Because that's just mean. Why the
hell would I be sorry some girl stopped following me asking me to kill
her? Relena seemed hell-bent on dying until she found out
she
was a Peacecraft. And then she wanted to be strong and help me,
so
she followed me for a different reason. Just because you change
the
scenery, doesn't mean you've left hell.

"Hn." Relena, why the hell
are you even saying things about me?
You don't know the first fucking thing about me, hell, I'll bet Dorothy
knows more about me than you do. "Relena doesn't know what she's
talking about. Forget it Duo, she couldn't make me
devastated."
Mainly because she's with Dorothy and there's no chance she could take
you away from me. Not that there's really anything to take away,
I suppose.

"Oh, well that's good. No
point in thinking you turned someone
gay, most people have already decided their sexual preference by the
age
of 8. So you ever think about dating another girl besides
Relena?"

"No, I've never thought about
dating another girl before or after Relena"
Not that I ever wanted to date Relena, or did really.

"Oh Heero. You've gotta see
this for what it is! Rele-"

"I've thought about dating another
guy." Shit. Just because
you didn't want to listen to some pity talk you go and tell him you're
a homo! You fucking moron! What the hell are you thinking?!

"Really?" Fuck. I've
never seen him smile like that before
except in a comm link during a mission. What the hell is he
thinking?!
Maybe I should just bail now and go home and kill myself before he goes
and puts me through hell for being a homo.

"And here are you're meals."
Anger once again seemed to flare
in my chest as Duo smiled flirtatiously at the waitress as she refilled
out drinks and gave us out food. But now I have to think.
How
can I get him not to talk about this?!

Looking up I tried not to hold eye
contact with him, but Duo hadn't
even touched his food, he was just looking at me. What the hell
is
he thinking?! Looking back down at my food, I think I was
blushing.
I really seem to have gotten soft. But wait, I can just eat,
always
have my mouth full and then I can't talk to Duo. Of course he
could
always say things still... Well, I guess it's worth a try,
anyway.

And so dinner passed in
silence. The waitress came over every
once and a while to refill our drinks and when the bill was finally
brought
I didn't get to it before Duo, which caused an unconscious reaction to
look at Duo and thank him. It's only proper, right? He
still
had that damn creepy ass smile on his face, predatory, almost.
"It's
ok Hee-chan, I've got it."

"Alright, I'll wait outside"

I realize now, I feel kind of sick
to my stomach, not enough to throw
up, but enough to make me queasy. I shouldn't have eaten all of
that
soup. But I was desperate to not have to talk, or even look at
Duo.
He probably thinks I'm the most disgusting.... betraying
bastard!
I should have told him sooner, no, NO! I never should have told
him
at all! You fucking moron! You stupid little fucker, you've
just ruined you're life past recognition and probably hurt Duo.

"So Heero," Shit! When
did he get out here? I jumped
again, I seem to loose more concentration more and more, or maybe I'm
gaining?
"heh heh, Well, let's go back to your place. My stuff is still
there
after all."

Shit, I'll be alone with him in my
apartment. Why is it that time
always goes faster when you want it to slow down, and it seems to pass
by slower than a snail when you want it to speed up? I need to
figure
out a way to do this and not have this night get any worse! But
we're
almost back to my building. It seemed to take so long getting to
the restaurant, why is it going so fast now?! The bellboy smiled
at us as we walked back into my building, Duo moved us towards the
elevator.
I think I really shouldn't have had all that soup, I feel really sick
now.
Duo and I are all alone together in the elevator, and I just had to
immediately
go for the corner. Duo walked up to me, that smile still on his
face,
and I just didn't want to see the hate and disgust in his eyes when he
hit me. What else would he be doing, right?

Well, then I suppose you can
imagine my surprise when he wrapped his
right arm around my lower back and used his other hand to hold my head
in place to kiss me. This really must all be a joke. Some
sick
cruel joke! I must have misjudged Duo, he must be more twisted
than
I ever thought. I can't believe he would do this to me. So
maybe he doesn't know I love him, but he knows I like guys. What
kind of awful embarrassment is he trying to set me up for?

"Heero. . . You've no idea how
long I waited to hear that you never
wanted Relena." I could feel him smile against my lips, but I've
no idea if it's still that predatory smile, I'm just too scared to open
my eyes, he must really hate me to do this. When the elevator
door
dinged open I all but ran to my door, pushing him away, grabbing his
bags
I shoved them into the hall and locked the door just as Duo got
there.
There are advantages to having the living room next to the door.
Duo was pounding on my door telling me he was sorry, to let him
in.
What the hell does he want to do to me? How does he want to hurt
me that he wouldn't want to wait?

"Go away! I've got work to
do! If you have something to
say to me, I'm sure it can wait until tomorrow!" Shit, my thought
is so tight! It feels like I'm going to start to cry any moment
now.
Please leave Duo, even now that you know, I still love you, I don't
want
to be this weak in front of you.

"Alright Heero. I'm so
sorry, I don't know why your so upset.
I won't kiss you again without you asking first I promise..... Just...
Just... I'm so sorry Heero. I'll see you in school
tomorrow."

"Oh god! I can't believe I
just ran away! I've never run
away from him.... I never had any reason to, but now, oh
god......."
I hate crying. The whole experience is just so painful, so
ungraceful.
You can't breath out you're nose, and you're throaght(5) is so tight
you
don't want to breath through you're mouth. And then you get such
painful hiccups, and all the while you're eyes are stinging with tears
that just make your skin feel awful. I need to fucking cut. This
was all too much! I fucked everything up! I'm just as good
dead to everyone, even better! I'll fucking run my blades through
my skin so deep no one can save me. They don't want me! No
one fucking wants me!

Relena thinks I'm a fucking pity
case, just as Dorothy probably does,
Duo thinks I'm a disgusting Homo! And he's fucking right!
And
no one else would care in the slightest. I'm no use to anyone
anymore,
I might as well fucking kill myself! It's become obvious no one
else
will.

I just have to choose witch one I
would use, I've collected so many
now, after the wars. Well, actually, there were times even during
the wars when I would cut myself, just not very often. Just
enough
so that it looks like accidents while fixing wing, or something from a
mission. But now, now no one can stop me! I'll fucking cut
my arm open and finally be happy And if I'm not happy, at least
I'll
finally be done with this shit!

I think I'll have to use my
dagger. I bought it online, using
my laptop. I bought it for just this actually. It's
pirated,
so it hasn't been dulled, just a light graze and it will cut
skin.
Fuck, I'm sure it would be easy to jam this through my entire body as
apposed
to using one of my other knives or something.

If anyone tells you it feels good,
to cut themselves, that it really
feels good physically, they're lying. Maybe they can't feel it,
fine,
maybe it gives them a good emotional, or mental feeling, but it hurts
physically.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I want to start crying even
harder when I push the dagger into my wrist. It stings, but it's
so fascinating! watching as your skin is cut open, a slight
pinkish
color. And then little beads of blood start to form, turning into
a puddle that reminds me of water filled just above the rim of a
glass.
It stings, now that the open air is able to get to my once solid
skin.
It's even more fascinating to watch as so much forms that it spills
over
and onto my legs. I realize now, that I'm sitting on my bathroom
floor, do I want to die in my bathroom? No.

Getting up that weird dizzy
feeling returns from earlier. I almost
fell, making my way over to my couch, this is as good a place as any,
right?
I'd love to just sit here and watch my fucking arm bleed, but I need to
cut my other wrist, my left. The one that is closer to my
heart.
My favorite place to cut. Well, this will be the cut of all
cuts.
Digging the dagger into my arm as deep as I could without crying out I
dragged to down to my wrist. I finally did cry out though as I
pulled
it away from my arm, it had already started to bleed badly from where I
had started. No surprise there.

What was a surprise though was the
knock on the door. "Hey Heero?
I'm really sorry. You forgot to get your laundry earlier, so I
brought
it up for you." Duo. Fucking hell! He's just
desperate
to hurt me, isn’t he? "Heero! I'm really really
sorry!
Just please open this door! I need to know what all I did wrong!.
. . . Heero...." How can you be sorry for something you don't
know
you did wrong? I just don't get it.

"GO AWAY DUO!" Shit, my
voice is so cracked! If it wasn't
obvious I was upset before my voice sure as hell said I'm crying.

"Heero?! Heero what's
wrong? Please open the door!
Heero!" Go away, go away goawaygoawaygoawayGOAWAY!!!!!!
please
Duo, I can't take this anymore, I just want to die. Please, just
go away.

"Heero?" Shit. I never
locked the door. He's standing
there with my sheets in his hands, staring at me. Why is he
looking
at me like that? He looks scared. Oh yeah, I slit my
wrists,
I'm dying.

"Why didn't you go away? Why
won't you just go away?! Go
AWAY, please! I just. . . . I just . . . I know you hate
me,
you don't have to tell me, you don't have to keep hurting me!
Just
please let me die with some grace. Please Duo."

"Heero! I'm not fucking
leaving this room until the ambulance
gets here." Walking over to one of my phones Duo picks it and
dials.
I don't want to listen to what he's saying, but I can't stop my
senses.
What I wouldn't give to be able to loose myself in thought now!

"Yes, Hello! My friend, he's
slit his wrists... and *gasp*
You have to get here soon..." Shit. Duo really sound upset
about this, is this just another game of his? Trying to get me to
relax so he can pounce? Why is he acting like he cares?!
Why?!
WHY?! Doesn't he realize he's hurting me by doing this? How
many times did I wish he would find out about this, and save me from
myself?
And now, now it's all wrong! I don't want any of it! I just
want to be left alone to die! It's too late to save me now!
doesn't he realize that?! Why is he trying?! Why is *he*
crying?!!
I have so many questions now, a small spark I haven’t seen in months, a
spark telling me that maybe I don't want to die. But I can't
think
of anything to back it up, anything it help build up on it to make me
want
to choose life over death. Shit, I can't breath! My chest
hurts
so much, and Duo is telling me to calm down, that I'm going to start
hyperventilating
if I don't, but I don't care! I don't care about anything!

Doesn't he understand that?
He was my last hope. My last....
And now he hates me. Duo hates me. I need to die.

TBC

1)
I decided to skip showing Heero help him, I really suck at
math. I can do percents, and your basic +/-/x/ division and
that's
probably it without help......... ^^;; I was gonna put Duo
in Calculus or somin, but I don't know shit about that. Hell, I
passed
algebra 1 with a low D. And somehow I got a high B in pre-algebra
part II..... oh well, different teachers.

2) I’ve no idea if that’s how
it’s spelled.....

3) This was a reference to
Invader Zim which, as far as I'm aware
of, is no longer on TV

4) If I'm right, this
translates to 'I guess I'm just strange'

5) I’ve no idea how to spell
this and my computer isn’t helping,
I have no dictionary either ^^;;
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Tourniquet