Fortune Cookie Bonanza Cake
folder
Fullmetal Alchemist › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
3
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1,629
Reviews:
11
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Currently Reading:
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Category:
Fullmetal Alchemist › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
3
Views:
1,629
Reviews:
11
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Full Metal Alchemist, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Alt. Ending #1
A/N: Wow...I didn\'t know people really liked this story...so for you, my adoring fans, I will produce alternate endings! I\'ll have a second one up in a few days. If you want to, leave e-mail addresses and we can discuss my madness. N-Joy.
\"How delicious...\" Roy slurred as he opened the first letter. \"Riza Elizabeth Hawkeye, report to my desk immediately!\" The skilled markswoman (is that even a word? I\'m tweakin so who cares) made her way to the front amids the \'ooohs\' and cat calls. Riza straightened up and saluted, ready to hear her letter.
Roy cleared his throat and read aloud:
\"This letter is for Riza. Dear Riza. You are such a bitch. You always cut in line in the cafeteria. Your pussy smells like dead fish. Use more vinegar water. You have cavities. If I could kill anyone in this world without regret, it would be you. May God have mercy upon your surely damned soul. Love always, ?.\"
Riza\'s eyes teared up and her chin quivered. She only cut in the cafe line because she was hungry and no one ever said anything. And no one would know how she smelled unless it was....
\"MARIA!!!!\" Riza shouted, lunging for her. Maria jumped up and grabbed the paperweight off Roy\'s desk and held it over Ed\'s head.
\"I\'ll kill the midget! Then how will you live without your beloved prodigy?!!\"
Ed exploded. \"WHO THE FUCK YOU CALLIN A MICROSCOPIC MIDGET TOO SMALL TO BE NOTICED BY THE NAKED EYE AND CAN ONLY BE PICKED UP ON RADAR WHICH DOESNT EVEN EXIST IN THIS PISS ASS EXCUSE FOR AN ANIME?!!!\" Used to slobber and fits of psychosis, Hughes inched over and calmly wiped the froth off Ed\'s mouth.
Maria lowered the paperweight only to be tackled by a suddenly airborne Hawk. Eye. Riza knocked Maria to the ground and slammed her head against the floor several times, shouting obceneties that made nuns sprinkle holy water outside of the compound.
Roy sighed and after counseling with Havoc whether or not to throw jello and mud onto the women and sell tickets, they decided to break up the fight, atleast until the letters were read. Riza was exiled to the corner with the least amount of sharp objects and Maria was placed over beside Al and Kain while the Elric surveyed her bleeding and bruised face. Yeah, that\'s one mujer that got the caca knocked out of her.
\"Alright...a letter for Jean Claude Van Fag,\" Roy said, grinning at Havoc. The blond haired man leaned forward to hear, as did everyone else.
\"Dear Jean...Did you know you were named after an X-men character? That makes you a pussy ass mofo. You have never had sex with anyone but yourself. You reek of failure. Your parents hate you. Dogs chase you when you walk down the road and old people shake their fists at you. You are a borderline retard. The fires of hell anxiously await you.
Your friend,
Blank Blankenship\".
Roy read the letter and then looked into Havoc\'s reddening face and did what any other person in his position would have done.
He laughed his fuckin ass off.
Kain became afraid and started to cry. He was missing his usual \'Enter the Babylonian Sex Goddess\' party. Actually it was him calling the 1-800-PHAT-ASS chat line, but hey, one must be creative when only supplied with \"idle hands\". Tonight was the night that he supposed to be talking to Buffy, the vampire slayer.
Al looked over at Kain and offered a metal arm. \"Here, I\'ll hold you.\" Kain looked at him as if he were made of metal or something. \"It\'s not gay,\" Al insisted, snatching the smaller man. \"It\'s not like if I hug you I\'ll get hard.\" Kain looked down at Al\'s loincloth/apron/dress and could swear that a bulge appeared out of nowhere. He swallowed and looked around, freaked out beyond belief.
Havoc said nothing, just lit a cigarette and leaned back. It was dark, he could kill them all by the time the lights come on. Yes, puppets. Laugh and play at my expense. BUT SOON HAVOC WILL KILL YOU ALL!!!!
Havoc snapped out of his brief dream when he noticed everyone staring at him. \"I\'m pretty sure you didn\'t mean to say that shit about killing us out loud did you?\" Ed asked, preparing to clap his hands and start cutting up some Jean. Havoc blushed. \"Strike that last comment from the record,\" He muttered, blaming his outburst on that stuff he bought from the black man on the corner. How the hell did black people get in Amestris anyway?
\"STOP TALKING OUT LOUD!\" Maria shouted, covering her ears.
Roy threw another bottle, this time hitting Kain in the head. (Ever see the Big Lebowski? Something like that.) Poor lil guy, it knocked him the fuck out. Roy cleared his throat and opened a new letter, one adressed to himself.
\"Dear Roy.
YOU WILL DIE TONIGHT. I mean, I think you should comb your hair. You have small lips and look like you were born with FAS. I\'m sorry. Your testicles are small. I dented your car the other day. Your alchemy is not better than mine. Children hate you.
Friends forever?\"
Roy wadded up the ball, set it on fire, and hurled the burning embers at Ed. \"Fuck you too!\" Roy screamed as the boy brushed ashes off.
\"You hate me? You think my lips are small? And my testicles? You said they were big when I was shoving those bitches down your throat!\" Roy screamed, snatching Ed up in his collar.
\"Toldja they were fucking. You owe me $20,\" Hughes whispered as Maria angrily shoved a crisp $20 in his hand. \"Hello W. Bush,\" Hughes whispered, kissing the bill.
Ed kicked Roy in the shin. \"I didn\'t write that you shithead! I wrote the one about Havoc!\" Ed faced Havoc, pale to see the man grinning like a maniac with a note in red that said \'TONIGHT, WHILE YOU SLEEP...\' Roy looked confused. \"No one else knows about my testicles. It had to be another alchemist.\" Everyone looked at Al.
\"It was me!\" He screamed, jumping to his feet and knocking Kain over. \"It\'s not fair! I saw you humping Ed and I want to hump someone too!\" Al stomped his feet in a fit of rage and became Bruce (or David, whichever you prefer) Banner and started throwing things around the room. He roared and stepped on Kain\'s head, which was already battered and torn up anyway. Fights broke out, children screamed, guns were fired, and roaches evolved as Al finally broke down the door. To his utter surprise, General Haruko, Fueher Bradley, and a few other members of military stood out in the hallway clapping.
\"Congratulations Alphonse! We wanted to test your mental capacity for stress! You failed! We need strapping young cannons such as yourself.\" Haruko came over and patted Al on the back, as the young boy grappled with what happened.
\"T-this was a...set up?\"
\"Sure was brother! What do you think?\" Ed asked, grinning widely at his brother. Al snapped. He roared again and grabbed Ed\'s head, squishing it like a cherry tomato. He grabbed Riza and climbed to the top of the building in a King Kong like effort, only to fall back down and leave a huge expensive dent in the sidewalk. \"That will cost 14 million dollars to repair,\" Haruko said.
\"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO\" Al screamed....
\"Wake up. Wake up. Damnit stop screaming!\" Gracia yelled, slapping Hughes. He woke up sweaty and bewildered in his bed and scrambled for his wallet. Searching frantically, he found the ugly picture of Elysia...ripped in half.
\"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!\" He screamed until Gracia smothered him with the pillow. Good night, sweet prince.
TO BE CONTINUED...IF I GET SOME GOOD WEED AGAIN
\"How delicious...\" Roy slurred as he opened the first letter. \"Riza Elizabeth Hawkeye, report to my desk immediately!\" The skilled markswoman (is that even a word? I\'m tweakin so who cares) made her way to the front amids the \'ooohs\' and cat calls. Riza straightened up and saluted, ready to hear her letter.
Roy cleared his throat and read aloud:
\"This letter is for Riza. Dear Riza. You are such a bitch. You always cut in line in the cafeteria. Your pussy smells like dead fish. Use more vinegar water. You have cavities. If I could kill anyone in this world without regret, it would be you. May God have mercy upon your surely damned soul. Love always, ?.\"
Riza\'s eyes teared up and her chin quivered. She only cut in the cafe line because she was hungry and no one ever said anything. And no one would know how she smelled unless it was....
\"MARIA!!!!\" Riza shouted, lunging for her. Maria jumped up and grabbed the paperweight off Roy\'s desk and held it over Ed\'s head.
\"I\'ll kill the midget! Then how will you live without your beloved prodigy?!!\"
Ed exploded. \"WHO THE FUCK YOU CALLIN A MICROSCOPIC MIDGET TOO SMALL TO BE NOTICED BY THE NAKED EYE AND CAN ONLY BE PICKED UP ON RADAR WHICH DOESNT EVEN EXIST IN THIS PISS ASS EXCUSE FOR AN ANIME?!!!\" Used to slobber and fits of psychosis, Hughes inched over and calmly wiped the froth off Ed\'s mouth.
Maria lowered the paperweight only to be tackled by a suddenly airborne Hawk. Eye. Riza knocked Maria to the ground and slammed her head against the floor several times, shouting obceneties that made nuns sprinkle holy water outside of the compound.
Roy sighed and after counseling with Havoc whether or not to throw jello and mud onto the women and sell tickets, they decided to break up the fight, atleast until the letters were read. Riza was exiled to the corner with the least amount of sharp objects and Maria was placed over beside Al and Kain while the Elric surveyed her bleeding and bruised face. Yeah, that\'s one mujer that got the caca knocked out of her.
\"Alright...a letter for Jean Claude Van Fag,\" Roy said, grinning at Havoc. The blond haired man leaned forward to hear, as did everyone else.
\"Dear Jean...Did you know you were named after an X-men character? That makes you a pussy ass mofo. You have never had sex with anyone but yourself. You reek of failure. Your parents hate you. Dogs chase you when you walk down the road and old people shake their fists at you. You are a borderline retard. The fires of hell anxiously await you.
Your friend,
Blank Blankenship\".
Roy read the letter and then looked into Havoc\'s reddening face and did what any other person in his position would have done.
He laughed his fuckin ass off.
Kain became afraid and started to cry. He was missing his usual \'Enter the Babylonian Sex Goddess\' party. Actually it was him calling the 1-800-PHAT-ASS chat line, but hey, one must be creative when only supplied with \"idle hands\". Tonight was the night that he supposed to be talking to Buffy, the vampire slayer.
Al looked over at Kain and offered a metal arm. \"Here, I\'ll hold you.\" Kain looked at him as if he were made of metal or something. \"It\'s not gay,\" Al insisted, snatching the smaller man. \"It\'s not like if I hug you I\'ll get hard.\" Kain looked down at Al\'s loincloth/apron/dress and could swear that a bulge appeared out of nowhere. He swallowed and looked around, freaked out beyond belief.
Havoc said nothing, just lit a cigarette and leaned back. It was dark, he could kill them all by the time the lights come on. Yes, puppets. Laugh and play at my expense. BUT SOON HAVOC WILL KILL YOU ALL!!!!
Havoc snapped out of his brief dream when he noticed everyone staring at him. \"I\'m pretty sure you didn\'t mean to say that shit about killing us out loud did you?\" Ed asked, preparing to clap his hands and start cutting up some Jean. Havoc blushed. \"Strike that last comment from the record,\" He muttered, blaming his outburst on that stuff he bought from the black man on the corner. How the hell did black people get in Amestris anyway?
\"STOP TALKING OUT LOUD!\" Maria shouted, covering her ears.
Roy threw another bottle, this time hitting Kain in the head. (Ever see the Big Lebowski? Something like that.) Poor lil guy, it knocked him the fuck out. Roy cleared his throat and opened a new letter, one adressed to himself.
\"Dear Roy.
Friends forever?\"
Roy wadded up the ball, set it on fire, and hurled the burning embers at Ed. \"Fuck you too!\" Roy screamed as the boy brushed ashes off.
\"You hate me? You think my lips are small? And my testicles? You said they were big when I was shoving those bitches down your throat!\" Roy screamed, snatching Ed up in his collar.
\"Toldja they were fucking. You owe me $20,\" Hughes whispered as Maria angrily shoved a crisp $20 in his hand. \"Hello W. Bush,\" Hughes whispered, kissing the bill.
Ed kicked Roy in the shin. \"I didn\'t write that you shithead! I wrote the one about Havoc!\" Ed faced Havoc, pale to see the man grinning like a maniac with a note in red that said \'TONIGHT, WHILE YOU SLEEP...\' Roy looked confused. \"No one else knows about my testicles. It had to be another alchemist.\" Everyone looked at Al.
\"It was me!\" He screamed, jumping to his feet and knocking Kain over. \"It\'s not fair! I saw you humping Ed and I want to hump someone too!\" Al stomped his feet in a fit of rage and became Bruce (or David, whichever you prefer) Banner and started throwing things around the room. He roared and stepped on Kain\'s head, which was already battered and torn up anyway. Fights broke out, children screamed, guns were fired, and roaches evolved as Al finally broke down the door. To his utter surprise, General Haruko, Fueher Bradley, and a few other members of military stood out in the hallway clapping.
\"Congratulations Alphonse! We wanted to test your mental capacity for stress! You failed! We need strapping young cannons such as yourself.\" Haruko came over and patted Al on the back, as the young boy grappled with what happened.
\"T-this was a...set up?\"
\"Sure was brother! What do you think?\" Ed asked, grinning widely at his brother. Al snapped. He roared again and grabbed Ed\'s head, squishing it like a cherry tomato. He grabbed Riza and climbed to the top of the building in a King Kong like effort, only to fall back down and leave a huge expensive dent in the sidewalk. \"That will cost 14 million dollars to repair,\" Haruko said.
\"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO\" Al screamed....
\"Wake up. Wake up. Damnit stop screaming!\" Gracia yelled, slapping Hughes. He woke up sweaty and bewildered in his bed and scrambled for his wallet. Searching frantically, he found the ugly picture of Elysia...ripped in half.
\"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!\" He screamed until Gracia smothered him with the pillow. Good night, sweet prince.
TO BE CONTINUED...IF I GET SOME GOOD WEED AGAIN