Acting As If� (A Passion Play in Five Acts)

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the Gundam boys, I just like to imagine them in my own little world (which is totally of my imagining). No profits are made from this story, just gratuitous pleasure.

Summary: Everything was so great between us during the war that I could hardly believe it when he left me without even a word once it had ended. It was only with the help of my friends that I kept from going off of the deep end, but the hurt never eased. I kept living, but I felt as if I was in a play, ‘acting as if’ my heart had mended and I had moved on, but that’s all it was, an act. Now, Trowa and Quatre are finally tying the knot and everyone is attending. Everyone except HIM. And I’ll be there, alone, except in my dreams. Or will I?

Rating: NC-17

Warning Codes: Angst,anal,m/m,waff,yaoi,h/c,WIP,

Pairings: 1x2

Author’s note: Act III Duo finds comfort in an unexpected form and great temptation thrown in his path.

Special thanks to Echo for the reviews. They are most welcome and I hope I am not frustrating you too much by keeping you hanging, but you know what they say about good things and people who wait.

Feedback is appreciated. Your feedback is your gift to me. My gift to you is the story. I hope that you have enjoyed reading it thus far, and that I will continue to keep you enchanted with my little passion play.

Acting As If… (A Passion Play in Five Acts)


Act III

I stayed away from everyone that day, pleading a headache. Quatre came up and hovered over me until I thought I was going to scream before I finally convinced him that I just wanted to rest before the party tonight. He left somewhat mollified, but only because he had about a thousand thing to do, or at least that’s the amount he assured me he had. I’m sure it would have been much easier if he’d only delegate a few things, but he felt the need to oversee everything personally, so it most likely was a thousand. Anyway, he finally left me to my peace and quiet.

The party tonight was here at the house and it would involve most of his family and relatives, so I guess this would be a rather tame bachelor part as they went, actually almost a formal affair. At least here at the house I could slip away unnoticed for long periods of time, or even come up to my room early if I wanted to. Now, tomorrow’s party, that would be a different story.

That would be Trowa's party and it was going to be at a club somewhere downtown. Loud music, dancing, drinking, the whole thing. That I wouldn’t be able to easily escape from. Oh, well. I’d endure. I’d ‘act as if’ until I couldn’t act any more, then I’d go on acting until it killed me. I’d do anything for these guys who were so much like brothers to me. Anything. I skipped lunch and managed to keep to myself until I just had to go down.

I greeted Quate and Trowa when I first went into the ballroom and I was a bit over whelmed by the amount of people there. No wonder Quate was in such a frazzle. There looked to be at least 100 guests. I grabbed some food from the buffet table and tucked myself away in a corner to eat and watch the people flow by. Everyone pretty much ignored me, which was fine by me.

After I had taken the edge off of my appetite, I thought I’d go out and grab a bit of fresh air. I had just stepped off into the garden when a voice reached me.

“Duo? Can we talk?” It was the pink princess herself, Relena, probably the last person I wanted to see, but hey, I was ‘acting as if’, so I turned and waited.

“Duo,” she started hesitantly, laying a hand on my arm. “I’m really sorry.”

At that point, I turned to walk away, but she held onto my arm and fell into step with me.

“Please, hear me out,” she begged.

“Sure,” I replied, looking away, not wanting her to see the mask starting to slip.

“I never thought that he’d leave you. I know how much it hurts, loving him. I spent most of the war trying to make him love me, and when he finally made it perfectly clear to me the you were the only one he loved, and that I had no chance to ever win his heart, I wanted to die, it hurt so much. But he seemed so happy with you that I finally let go of my schoolgirl crush, and I was happy that he had found someone who understood him and who could love him in return, in spited of himself.” She smiled at me, a genuine smile, not a fake, political smile. “When I heard that he walked out on you, I was stunned. I couldn’t understand how he could do something like that. But then, I don’t know if any of us ever really understood Heero Yuy.

“All I really wanted to say is that I know how you feel, and if there is ever anything, anything at all, that I can do for you, please, let me know.”

At that moment all of my resentment melted and she became just another broken heart left behind by Heero Yuy. I took her into my arms and we held each other for a long moment, then a hard sob escaped from my chest.

“Shhh… don’t cry, Duo. I think that everything is going to be alright,” she whispered into my ear. “We all mend, eventually. One day you will, too. But for now, we have to be strong and happy for Quatre and Trowa.”

That brought me back to myself. Yes. I still had to ‘act as if’, for them. For a while longer, anyway. I kissed her on the forehead before releasing her, and looked into her eyes. I could see an honest look of friendship, kinship looking back at me. If anyone in this world, or any other, knew how I felt, it was this girl, no, this woman who had carried the same torch for the same man. Only difference was, she had been able to put hers out. Mine still burned like a beacon in the night sky.

“Thank you,” I said, with a look of genuine gratitude. “We should go back now.”

As we turned to walk back, I could almost swear that one of the shadows from the gently swaying trees that surrounded us moved in slightly the wrong direction, but when I scanned the area, I saw nothing that could account for it. Still, I felt as if I was being watched.

We walked back in a companionable silence and Hilde and Sally swooped down on us as soon as we walked in the door.

“Relena, they just put out the desserts!” Hilde squealed. “Let’s go before all of the best ones are taken.”

The two dashed off together laughing, and I looked longingly after them, but Sally had a firm hold on me.

“Quatre wants you. It’s meet and greet time,” she informed me, turning me away in the other direction. I just sighed in resignation.

“You know, Duo, if you need Chang for any reason, at any time, don’t hesitate to call our room, or his cell,” she said softly. “He’ll always be there when you need him, no matter what.”

“You’re amazing, Sally. Not too many women would just offer up their husband to a guy that way,” I said, smiling a little. “Does WuFei know just what an amazing woman he married?”

“He tells me everyday,” she replied with a smile of her own, “but it’s nice to have it confirmed by an outside source, so that I know he’s not just being bias.”

We laughed a bit and she put an arm around my waist and I draped mine over her shoulder, as I steeled myself for the meet and greet with Quatre's myriad of relatives.

“Hey, Maxwell, that’s my woman,” ‘Fei growled at me as we walked up, but he put his arms around both of us and pulled us close to him in a hug.

“You guys are all too good to me,” I said softly.

“That’s because we love you, you idiot! Why else do you think we put up with you!” he demanded, but his smile belied the words. I hugged them both tightly to myself, then took a deep breath.

I turned to face Quate with a big smile.

“Hey, Duo,” he said softly. “Doing okay?”

“Doing great. Everyone’s been great,” I replied.

“Well, let’s do this. They all ogled WuFei, now it’s your turn. I’m sorry to put you through it, but…” he trailed of helplessly.

“It’s okay,” I replied, easily. “I’m not gonna break yet. I’m pretty tough, you know. Bring on the lions!”

So, all the sisters, aunts, cousins, second cousins twice removed, everybody in the Winner clan, (and some that I don’t think were and just sneaked in off the street when no one was looking,) shuffled up to stare at me. It was grueling, but Trowa stood at my shoulder and kept a hand on my back, rubbing it gently up and down whenever I started to get tense. Then it was over. I think I met everyone from an ancient grandmother to a newborn infant, and then some. I was wiped out.

But Quatre was radiant. It seemed that his family approved of not only his choice of a spouse, but of their choice of the people to stand with them in the ceremony. I guess that was almost as important as choosing a spouse, or so it seemed to me.

He gave me a big hug, which I returned whole heartedly, and Trowa closed his arms around the two of us. I guess that tonight was my night for hugs, especially group hugs. I’m not usually one for a lot of gratuitous affection from people, other then my lover (damn you, Yuy, for not being here with me) but tonight it felt alright.

I stepped away from the two of them and smiled the first genuine smile for quite some time. For once I didn’t feel as if I was ‘acting as if’.

“Hey, I’m pretty tired, so I’m gonna slide on outta here, if that’s okay?” I asked hopefully.

“Sure, Duo. You’ve been great tonight. Thanks,” said Quatre. “I wish we could slide out, too, but we have to stay and say goodbye to everyone. See you at breakfast, then?”

“Breakfast,” I agreed.

“Sweet dreams, Duo,” said my sweet little mother-hen, love and joy radiating from him. His torch had to be at least as big as mine.

Trowa squeezed my shoulder and quirked an eyebrow at me with a questioning smile?

“I’ll be fine tonight, but thanks,” I answered his unasked question. He simply nodded, and I slipped out and headed for my room.

The dark solitude washed over my overwrought nerves, soothing away the stress of the lights and babbling from below. Thankfully, my balcony overlooked gardens on the opposite side of the house from where the party was still going on. The stars twinkled softly at me and I left the doors open as I got myself ready for bed.

I stood out on the balcony once more, my hair down, the breeze blowing it gently around me and listened to the crickets chirping and the nightbirds cooing.

“Good night, Heero Yuy, where ever you are,” I whispered to the full moon above me. “Remember, I will always love you, no matter what.”

But my only answer was the rustle of a nearby bush as a nightbird took flight from it. I sighed and turned to my cold bed and my longing dreams.

~*~

He stood by my bed, looking down at me. I smiled, opening my arms and he was in them in a heartbeat, his body warm and smooth against mine, his mouth claiming mine in a deep, soul binding kiss. My legs spread to cradle his hips against mine and I could feel his arousal brushing against my burgeoning erection. My body ached for him, but as I moved to close my arms around him, to pull him closer to me, he grasped my wrists, bringing my hands up over my head. Pulling back slightly, he looked into my eyes and shook his head. Then he kissed me once more and slipped away.

I struggled into wakefulness, panting, still tasting his kisses, his cologne making my senses reel, and with a hard, throbbing ache between my legs. Damn! Why did my dreams of him have to seem so real? I fell back onto my pillow with a choked sob, my hand reaching down to relieve myself of the pain in my groin. My orgasm came fast and hard, but I didn’t feel any relief from it. It only left me wanting more, and knowing it wasn’t going to happen.

I got up and cleaned myself off, dressed in some loose sweat clothes, then went out to sit on my balcony, knowing I wouldn’t sleep any more tonight. Time crept by as I watched the sun come up and then I started to hear people stirring down in the lower reaches of the house.

I’d promised Quate I’d be there for breakfast and I didn’t want to disappoint him, so I grabbed a quick shower, pinning up my hair to keep it dry. I’d wash it later today before the party tonight, well knowing I was going to have to do it again in the morning or I’d reek of a nightclub at the wedding, but that’s the price you pay when you have a head of hair like mine. I contemplated skipping the washing today, but I figured it would give me a good excuse not to mingle for most of the afternoon, so wash it I would.

When I made it down for breakfast I found that one last guest had shown up, Trowa's sister Catherine, with some guy she knew from the circus. It was nice to see her, and everyone could see just how pleased Trowa was that she came. She assured him that even the elephants couldn’t have kept her away from this wedding.

I ate a light breakfast, chatted as required with whomever spoke to me, then excused myself to go out and walk through the gardens. I needed to get away from all of those happy couples in there. God knows, I love them all, but this ache in my heart just gets worse, knowing I’m the only one alone.

I wandered aimlessly for quite sometime before finding myself below my own balcony. As I looked up, I saw the trellises on either side of it and realized how vulnerable those made me, how easy it would be for someone to get to me. It made me feel a bit uneasy, then I laughed at myself.

This was one of Quatre's estates. It was fenced and patrolled and had a superior alarm system. Who could penetrate that? I was as safe here as anywhere. Hell, probably safer. Still, I walked over and inspected the trellises closely. They didn’t show any signs of disturbance, nor did any of the area around my balcony look like it had seen any human disturbance in the last few days. I was just letting my dreams make me paranoid, I decided.

I headed back around to the atrium where everyone was still relaxing after the lavish breakfast buffet.

“Duo, we’re leaving for the club at 7. Are you going to be ready? We’re having a buffet set out and an open bar in the room we reserved, but there will be dancing in the main room,” Quate told me, an expectant look on his face.

“I’ll be ready. I’m just on my way up now to wash my hair. You know how long it takes me to dry it,” I told him. “I’ll probably skip lunch.”

“I’ll have the staff send something up,” he told me and I nodded agreement then quickly departed before anyone else could catch me.

Unfortunately, I bumped into Zechs as I started to leave. He steadied me as I bounced off of his chest, his long blonde hair swirling around us.

“Duo, right?” he asked with a sultry smile.

‘Yeah, right,” I agreed, trying to edge my way around him, but he stopped me cold by putting his hand up to my hair. I had only tied it back in a pony tail, as I’d planned on washing it, so didn’t want to take the time to plait it. He quickly released the tie before I could react and my hair flowed over my shoulders. I was so astounded, I couldn’t move for a moment. No one ever touched my hair, except HIM.

“Beautiful,” he whispered, “just beautiful.” And he ran his hands through the length of my hair, letting it spill through his fingers like silk.

“Do you have any idea of how gorgeous you are?” he asked me, looking deeply into my eyes. He held me spell bound with those sky blue eyes of his. I swear, I thought he was going to kiss me. And I was parting my lips to let him.

Suddenly the moment was broken by a two pronged attack, Noin, swatting Zechs on the back of the head from behind, and ‘Fei, slipping an arm possessively around me, pulling me close to him.

“Hey, Romeo, you’re supposed to be here with me, not hitting on every hot guy you see,” said Noin angrily.

“Come on, Duo. I’ll walk with you to your room,” said ‘Fei smoothly, leading me away. I went with him, but couldn’t help looking back at Zechs, who just smiled and winked.

“Hey, you don’t want to get mixed up with him,” ‘Fei warned me. “She’s possessive and jealous, and he likes to roam and play the field. That’s big trouble. You’d just be a quick lay to him.”

“Yeah,” I heard myself reply, my mind still far away. “Yeah, a quick fuck. Something I haven’t had in a long time.”

“Duo, it it’s sex you need…” WuFei started.

“No, ‘Fei. It’s nothing like that. Just a left over dream. I don’t want to be anybody’s quick fuck,” I assured him. “I’m in it for the long haul when I give it up.”

“That’s good to hear. I just don’t want you getting hurt again,” he told me. “Well, now, here’s your room. Lock your door before you take your shower, okay? I’m not saying that he’d try to rape you or anything like that, but he’ll try like hell to seduce you if he thinks he has half a chance.”

“Thanks, ‘Fei,” I said, hugging him. “Damn, I don’t deserve you. You’re too good to me. I know I can count on you to take care of me.”

“I told you,” he replied in an exasperated tone of voice, “it’s because we all love you. We want to take care of you. You’re one of us. Now go make yourself pretty for tonight. You never know what’s going to happen.”

And he kissed me, a nice, tender kiss that spoke volumes about his love for me.

I locked myself in my room and spent the rest of the afternoon resting and making myself ready to go out and ‘act as if’ I was having the time of my life.

~*~


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